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What to feed a 19 year-old girl who eats mostly junk food?
Kristmas Kthulhu
Currently Kultist KthulhuRegistered User regular
Currently Kultist KthulhuRegistered User regular
I made a friend at school recently who is incredibly short and skinny, for whom I'm going to start making lunch. She just today told me all she's had to eat for the day are a bag of sour patch kids for breakfast and a ring pop for dinner. I know approximately fuck all about nutrition (other than veggies are good for you, and a human needs some kind of protein to sustain them), and was wondering what kinds of things to give her to make sure she's not malnourished as a person from an affluent family in the fucking U.S. of A.
I was just going to make her some kind of sandwich with meat and cheese (she says she likes chicken and pepper jack), plus nuts and maybe some yogurt (something high in protein and low in sweeteners), but I'm not sure what else to put into rotation so as to not let things go stale, and so that hopefully she enjoys eating. I'm pretty sure it's not body image issues, more just a being young and complacent kind of thing (though honestly I've only known her for a few days), so help me feed this girl, H/A.
I was just going to make her some kind of sandwich with meat and cheese (she says she likes chicken and pepper jack), plus nuts and maybe some yogurt (something high in protein and low in sweeteners), but I'm not sure what else to put into rotation so as to not let things go stale, and so that hopefully she enjoys eating. I'm pretty sure it's not body image issues, more just a being young and complacent kind of thing (though honestly I've only known her for a few days), so help me feed this girl, H/A.
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You're not her mom. Being 19 is when you do stupid stuff like not eating and subsequently learning how to plan ahead to feed yourself.
If you want to make her a lunch one day, that's being nice. Making her a lunch every day is doing her a disservice.
And, if she doesn't want to take the food, don't make a thing about it. If it is food issues that just makes things worse.
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
If you're really set on getting some food into this girl, you might suggest you guys get lunch together. If she does have food issues, that would probably be the safest bet. She'll have control over what she orders, and won't think of you as the person to blame for getting "fat" by making her eat.
If she can't feed herself at the age of 19, why are you trying to do it for her? If you make yourself a nice dinner and take her in a container of it one day, that's nice. If you're specifically making her lunch for her everyday, then you're her Dad.
As for the why? I remember being 19, and I sure as the day is long would have accepted someone's offer to feed me when I basically subsisted on pizza for a whole year, as I had not by any stretch learned the time management skills to do what is considered a basic necessity when it comes to buying groceries, preparing meals, etc. around your work, school, what have you schedule in high school.
Also the simple fact that an almost stranger cared enough about my general well being to do such a thing probably would have helped in ways completely unrelated to my bad eating habits, and created in me a desire to learn how to take better care of myself, and to repay this person's kindness with food.
But you know what? I don't care whether any of that happens in this situation. I just want to help one individual because I have the capability to do so in a way that I personally find meaningful because her support system sure as shit isn't doing it.
I guess the reason I created a thread rather than Google how to make a good lunch for a teenager is because you guys think of stuff and have experiences I might not have (and again, thanks for the input), and... you know, a person seeking information typically values those things.
Teach a man to fish, and all that.
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
Which isn't to say that random acts of kindness from strangers are bad, and bringing her lunch once is a very cool thing to do if she can't afford it and you happened to be making yourself lunch that day anyway. Planning to bring her lunch every day when you have only known her a very short time to the point where you are thinking menus, and on top of that she's as much younger than you as you make it sound... you're wandering into "very weird" territory, here.
It sounds like you really don't know WHY she eats like she does, or if she can afford to eat better and just doesn't. She could be doing the rubber-band thing where her parents always made her eat her veggies first and now she's going to have ice cream for dinner every night till she gets sick of it because grown-up now.
My point is, be her friend first and get to know her "why". You don't know her well enough to be doing this. When you do it will be a MUCH different story. For now, maybe bring a really big lunch and share yours if she's interested. It's a lot less conspicuously weird and imposing.
if not, and she's said tend to me, i am so pathetic, i would go the chicken route since she's professed that she's comfortable with it - buy a whole roast chook and there's a million ways you can use it. chicken, lettuce, avocado sandwiches. chicken wraps with sundried tomatoes, hummus and swiss cheese. cold chicken with potato salad. shredded chicken caesar. then, when she's getting bored and about to go back to ring pops, BAM - PB&J.
just please make sure she wants this.
I guess it was kind of silly of me to not be more explicit about this, but I do not wear a trilby, call women m'lady, nor act like a caring human being with the expectation of being rewarded with sex.
Day 1, I am about to sit down for lunch, see her sitting alone and ask if I can sit at her table. Friendly chatter about classes commences, etc. The only thing she has for sustenance is a milkshake from Sonic, which she asks me to finish when she doesn't want any more.
Day 2, Immediately before class starts, I see her in the hall eating a Pop Tart out of the bag. Again friendly chatter, then we head into our respective classes.
A week of not running into her follows, until today I ask where she's been going for lunch. She hasn't been eating lunch, she says. Doesn't have money, apparently. Well, she did that morning, but her younger brother took it for his lunch. She mentions her nourishment for the day later via text when I ask her, and I say I'm making her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow. She laughs and says to make it for her Friday instead.
The end. I don't have ulterior motives, I am just genuinely concerned for a random person I innocuously made friends with on the first day of classes. Because I am a friendly person.
Make her lunch Friday. She said that's cool. But maybe don't make it a thing.
...You know it's pretty weird to plan meals for people who you've just barely met, right? Like, do you have reason to believe that she cannot afford to eat or something?
I honestly opened the thread expecting it to be requesting advice on where to take someone for a dinner date when you don't know what they like to eat, or something. I'm thinking you're just going to weird her out, because becoming someone's personal catering service at random is not a thing that anyone normally does - and on the contrary, regardless of your intent / lack thereof, offering lunch to someone is a pretty well established thing people do with romantic interest in mind.
If you're genuinely worried about her nutrition:
1) You're worried for no good reason; you don't know her or her dietary habits, only what she said in passing, and in any case you're not a doctor or a nutritionist.
2) She's a grown-up and didn't ask for your advice, help or concern. If she wants to eat nothing but gummi bears & nerds until her teeth completely dissolve, so be it; random strangers don't have the privilege of staging an intervention.
3) If she has an actual problem, it ought to be dealt with by actual professionals. Do you feel that you know enough about her situation or are a close enough confidant of hers that you could comfortably point her towards professional help? If not, well, chill out.
Making lunches for someone is not a component of friendship. At best it's poor judgement on behalf of good intentions, at worst it's bribing them to keep their attention. If you want to be friends with her, just be friends with her.
But it will look creepy, because most people will not believe that you have no motives besides feeding someone. And the person it could look creepiest of all to? Her.
if you want her to eat better, the only thing that planniing to be making lunch for her literally every day already will do is make her resist it because it's WEIRD.
Make her lunch Friday. It will be a fun way to follow through on the joking exchange you guys had. Then maybe take her out to lunch a different day. Maybe next week you can say to her "I'm not your housewife, let's go out for lunch today".
It is just weird to make lunches for someone when you are not even their friend yet. And it doesn't matter what you think. Your intentions are irrelevant, it is your actions that matter, and this particular set of actions will be weird until you know her better.
"Hmm this is good want to try a bite" could be a little less in your face than " Here I made you this, you should eat it"
And who knows a few days of tasting proper food, may turn on that lightbulb in her noggin.
You just take your sausage, slip it between two buns slathered in mayo. Give her some nuts to chew on for a snack if she's into that.
It doesn't help that from your original posts about 'remembering being 19' and all, I had you pegged for a much older person, only to then realize you're just couple years older than her.
Like others have advice, if you are sure you want to go down this route, I would just make and pack a meal for two and when you run into her for lunch say something like "I made too much, you want some?" and go from there. Just something simple, like grilled chicken and rice/salad.
I'm assuming you normally make and bring your own lunch. If you see her at lunch regularly, just make an extra sandwich and offer it up to her. No pressure or anything, just "Hey, I got an extra sammich, want it?" if not, then fuck yes, two sammiches for lunch. To me, it sounds like she's just a broke college student. I'm pretty sure at 19 she has to be aware that eating nothing but sugar all day is bad. I don't think you're in danger of becoming her dad or anything.
Also, you are entirely assuming that this girl lacks any degree of self agency in her life. She gets to choose how she eats, not you. If she chooses to not be healthy, that's her choice to make and you have exactly 0% of say so in that, especially given the insanely short amount of time you have met up with her. Feel free to say she should eat more, if you feel you need to. But having any expectations that you are right and she is wrong here is insanely bull-headed. You barely know this girl!
Make her lunch once, it's well intentioned enough and can be a way to progress your relationship (once). Insisting she eat it or making her lunch multiple times makes you into something of a creep who is taking away her own decisions and values in support of his own, however justified by health and nutrition they may be. That's an incredibly bad path to take in any form of relationship, from friend to loved one, because it is essentially setting a power dynamic where you are "in control" over decisions that should not ever be yours.
There are just this weird group of people that have no idea how to attempt to do things on their own, so they do what is the easiest. Pop tarts, bags of potato chips, hot pockets. I'm not a terrific cook by any means, but I can pan sear a halibut steak with some cilantro and lime and a nice side of rice and asparagus.
Also, remember the age-old adage: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for the night. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for the rest of his life.
Also, many of you seem to be coming in here with weird hangups about what it means to be someone's friend and stratifying the levels at which it's appropriate to feed someone you know (apparently making someone lunch multiple times makes you into a creep who takes away others' decisions and values in favor of your own! The more you know!), while simultaneously reading into my intentions and ability to cultivate relationships. We're friends - not soul mates, not guardian and ward. Just friends. Would anyone seriously have these problems if I was doing it for a guy? Perhaps some of you should think on that.
If it does turn out to be issues with food, I'm not going to press it, that's been brought up. But apparently many of you have never been teenagers, or have forgotten what it's like to be one, and are not aware that the way to one's heart is through his or her stomach. But that's totally a thing, you can trust me on this one. That, and they don't do a goddamn thing they don't feel like doing. Even if they "know" it's in their best interest.
I'll check out bentos like ceres and Fantasma suggested. The wraps and salads and the like are also great. So if anyone's got more ideas or links and resources, keep them coming.
People don't grow up unless they get to make dumbass decisions, dude, you are not helping your friend long term by magicking lunch at her
With that said I still think what you're doing is....maybe not creepy, but odd? I also don't feel like you're putting into consideration that she may not need or want your help. Like others have said, offering her some of your lunch if you made too much, or bringing her lunch once is fine. Making her food every day is what makes it really weird.
Also, she's 19, meaning she's an adult. She can make her own choices.
Honestly, the more you have written in here the more clear it is you have a mildly possessive and potentially harmful perspective on this relationship on a subconscious level. I'm not saying you are a creeper, only that your actions here are robbing agency from the person you are trying to "help" by making a ton of assumptions on her behavior with no information to truly go on here. She may eat more than she told you. Maybe she didn't feel hungry that day. Maybe there are other reasons she doesn't eat or, maybe, she just didn't feel like listing everything she recently ate with a complete stranger. In our weight-conscious society, especially for women, talking about anything that can be perceived as glutenous can make you a social pariah.
I'm a college counselor and advisor for young adults. Part of our job is to understand that while you may have good intentions, you do not have the right or responsibility to take ownership of other people's actions. People are adults, and you should assume they are acting like adults and not tell them how to live based upon your own privileges and worldviews.
If this were just about doing some person you liked a solid and sharing lunch one afternoon, this wouldn't be an issue. At all. If it were just about flirting with a girl and showing off your cooking skills, again it wouldn't be a problem. Thats a totes normal way to show your awesomeness during the dating progress that everyone can enjoy. But this isn't what seems to be happening here. You are making decisions over someone else's welfare and that's really no good for you or her in the long run.
First off all, no, you're not friends. From your posts, you have had three interactions with her. When I was in college, I talked to and even occasionally hung out with a couple of classmates while waiting for my classes to start. I would not consider them friends.
I would also consider it weird if someone(male or female) started to routinely bring me food. Enc also made a great point- You have absolutely no idea why she's eating bad, or EVEN if she's eating bad. Could be you caught her in weird week. Could be that every other day she has full, healthy, nourishing meals. Regardless, it's not really up to you to decide that you want to make it better for her and feed her meals.
No one is saying don't maker a sandwich once, or offer her some of your leftovers if you brought too much. Everyone is telling you that yes, it would be kinda weird (despite your best, most noble and altruistic intentions) to want to constantly do this to her.
And yet you become defensive and try to argue that nope, it's not weird at all.
Except all you're doing is making it weird.
Theres not been a single other person in this thread on the same page as you on this. Instead of all of us being off, isn't it far more likely that this is weird and that she will probably react the same way as everyone else in this thread? There is such a thing as coming on too strong even in the context of 'friendship' and not 'want to get into her pants'.
Kristmas made a new friend who doesn't eat well, and appears to lack the money to buy herself lunch. He's being a decent good person by offering to share food with her, you guys. It's not that hard. He's not trying to assert dominance over her or some silly thing... jeeze.
Maybe just learn more before making a decision.
More so between two peers. This is not some old lady in your building that you drop off a casserole occasionaly, or a teen seeking out a shelter/food bank.
The weird part of all this, to me, is the degree to which you seem to be making the decision for her. So far, your narrative is not one of her asking you to help, or you talking with her about the situation and mutually deciding that you two can be lunch buddies.
It's you stumbling upon the situation and declaring that you shall feed her.
If this were a cat or stray puppy that would be a fine disposition. But this is a 19 year old person. She has volition, and within a contemporary Western society, autonomy. She is, legally, an adult.
The language of "I'm going to help her in a way that I find meaningful" and "I say I am going to make her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow" treats her as not an adult, not an entity who has a say in her relationship towards you. That same theme is found in your opening post, where you go to the internet to ask about a 19 year old's nutritional needs, as one might seek advice on how to care for a stray kitten or baby squirrel.
You're coming across as very heavy-handed, very paternal, and very...kind of obstinately assured that you are doing the right thing, despite a wealth of advice and reactions to the contrary.
This is weird, and the degree to which you seem completely reluctant to acknowledge its weirdness makes it even more weird.
I would suggest having a conversation with her: "Hey, I just met you, and seem to care about you to an incredibly high degree...for some reason...so would like to offer to share some of my food with you. Would that be helpful?" Instead of just declaring that you shall feed her.
He's not like 'I'll toss a snack in my bag for her today, maybe she's hungry', though, which is what you are kind of suggesting here. I think what most people are taking issue with is the fact that instead of bringing in an extra sandwich or having a big lunch and sharing/talking to her about it (which other people have suggested), he is independently trying to work out a daily meal plan for someone he's only met a few times. I don't understand how anyone could NOT think that was an odd thing to do.
I don't care that she's a younger girl, I 100% would think it was odd if another girl was doing it for me or if he was doing it for another guy. If they end up sharing lunch sometimes that's great! Maybe it even becomes daily and she appreciates it a lot! However, that is something that needs to develop more naturally than just showing up with a bag lunch every day before classes in the morning for someone you have met a handful of times AND don't even see every day as it is. Putting it simply I do not think he knows enough about this girl or her life to suddenly presume that she needs or wants someone doing something like that for her.
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No need to continue to pile on the "it's weird" bandwagon but I wanted to address this point. I strongly disagree that people are against doing a solid for a stranger, or that we all assume someone has a hidden agenda. The problem is that almost any interaction you have with someone comes with some level of intimacy/connection, and whatever good you are doing can very easily be outweighed by your intrusion on another persons life.
Take the OP for example. Having someone else make a meal for you is a very personal experience. Shit, for most of us the only people to ever make meals for us on a daily basis was our parents and maybe our SO. The OP is therefore basically saying that want to jump straight into a very personal, very close relationship with this stranger. You can't just insert yourself into someone's life like that without being invited in. Chances are very high that the benefit of getting a healthy diet are far outweighed by the downside of having a very personal relationship forced on you.
I think this is a very common phenomenon. I've never met anyone that would be anything but grateful if a stranger wanted to give them cash and leave. But the second the so called "favor" starts to involve a lot of interaction and a very close relationship, the less like a favor it seems. Especially if the giver just assumes that they other person would totally want it, and doesn't even ask for permission.
Exactly.
If someone offered me a sandwich back in College( or heck, even now), I'd be all "cool, got myself a sandwich".
If I found out someone was actively making me a sandwich every day and going to the internet to find out what a growing 30 year old should eat, I would find it really weird.
Gonna second this. It seems like you're looking for approval and/or permission for having already made this decision. You came in here already deciding if, and wanting advice on how. You've got advice on how, and don't want to be talked out of if, so just go for it and let us know what happens.