What to feed a 19 year-old girl who eats mostly junk food?

I made a friend at school recently who is incredibly short and skinny, for whom I'm going to start making lunch. She just today told me all she's had to eat for the day are a bag of sour patch kids for breakfast and a ring pop for dinner. I know approximately fuck all about nutrition (other than veggies are good for you, and a human needs some kind of protein to sustain them), and was wondering what kinds of things to give her to make sure she's not malnourished as a person from an affluent family in the fucking U.S. of A.

I was just going to make her some kind of sandwich with meat and cheese (she says she likes chicken and pepper jack), plus nuts and maybe some yogurt (something high in protein and low in sweeteners), but I'm not sure what else to put into rotation so as to not let things go stale, and so that hopefully she enjoys eating. I'm pretty sure it's not body image issues, more just a being young and complacent kind of thing (though honestly I've only known her for a few days), so help me feed this girl, H/A.

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  • AiouaAioua Ora Occidens Ora OptimaRegistered User regular
    Eeeesh.

    You're not her mom. Being 19 is when you do stupid stuff like not eating and subsequently learning how to plan ahead to feed yourself.

    If you want to make her a lunch one day, that's being nice. Making her a lunch every day is doing her a disservice.

    And, if she doesn't want to take the food, don't make a thing about it. If it is food issues that just makes things worse.

    life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
    fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
    that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
    bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
    Creaganbsjezz815165alltheoliveDisruptedCapitalistEncspool32YoSoyTheWalrustynicJuliusTHEPAIN73UsagiQuidEsseeDasUberEdwardcabsyAmmalineDhalphirKetBraNightslyrSmrtnikSkeithShadowfireZilla360HollerTaekoRichyCambiataInquisitor77LilnoobsPsykomaGnome-InterruptusDarkewolfeSmallLady
  • CreaganCreagan Registered User regular
    I had a roommate with some serious food issues the first two years of college, and when people do have serious food issues they're really good at hiding how bad things are. Roommate's thing was to play up the volume of food she was eating (as in, a plate of broccoli and tofu) and then spend 2 hours a day at the gym. So don't discount food issues yet. Also, if she has food issues, Aioua's right- pushing her to eat will just exaggerate the problem. Any time I talked my roommate into getting desert or eating pizza, she'd spend the next week "working it off" in the gym.

    If you're really set on getting some food into this girl, you might suggest you guys get lunch together. If she does have food issues, that would probably be the safest bet. She'll have control over what she orders, and won't think of you as the person to blame for getting "fat" by making her eat.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I'm sure there is advice to be given here, and there are a ton of websites with ideas for things like bentos, but I have to be honest that I am not sure why you are doing this.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    DehumanizedDisruptedCapitalistYoSoyTheWalrusUsagiEsseecabsyAmmalineDhalphirNightslyrCambiataDarkewolfe
  • chr1sh4ll3ttb3chr1sh4ll3ttb3 A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    You can tell this is H/A not SE++ by the fact there aren't about a dozen relies along the lines of "feed her some pork sausage".

    If she can't feed herself at the age of 19, why are you trying to do it for her? If you make yourself a nice dinner and take her in a container of it one day, that's nice. If you're specifically making her lunch for her everyday, then you're her Dad.

    MulletudeDisruptedCapitalistspool32JuliusEsseeAmmalineDhalphirNightslyrSkeith
  • LostNinjaLostNinja Registered User regular
    This just sounds like a sort of bad idea to me. You've only known her a few days, so deciding to bring her lunch everyday might not be received as well as you might hope. If you are really worried about her eating right, I would probably go with what Creagan mentioned and just go grab lunch together before or after class (a place like Panera or McAlisters is always a safe bet). This way you can avoid coming across as pushy or judgmental of how she chooses to eat.

    Ammaline
  • Kristmas KthulhuKristmas Kthulhu Registered User regular
    Fair enough on the responses, though I'm honestly a little surprised all of them except Creagan's are openly skeptical about trying to feed someone who eats sugar twice a day and that's it. I'll definitely not make a thing of it if it seems to be a food issue, and I thank you all for bringing it up.

    As for the why? I remember being 19, and I sure as the day is long would have accepted someone's offer to feed me when I basically subsisted on pizza for a whole year, as I had not by any stretch learned the time management skills to do what is considered a basic necessity when it comes to buying groceries, preparing meals, etc. around your work, school, what have you schedule in high school.

    Also the simple fact that an almost stranger cared enough about my general well being to do such a thing probably would have helped in ways completely unrelated to my bad eating habits, and created in me a desire to learn how to take better care of myself, and to repay this person's kindness with food.

    But you know what? I don't care whether any of that happens in this situation. I just want to help one individual because I have the capability to do so in a way that I personally find meaningful because her support system sure as shit isn't doing it.

    I guess the reason I created a thread rather than Google how to make a good lunch for a teenager is because you guys think of stuff and have experiences I might not have (and again, thanks for the input), and... you know, a person seeking information typically values those things.

    TannerMS
  • AkilaeAkilae Registered User regular
    I have only one thing to say about what you want to do: Allergies.

    EsseeAmmalineNightslyrSkeith
  • AiouaAioua Ora Occidens Ora OptimaRegistered User regular
    If you're interested in being a helpful influence, it might be better to take a slightly different route. Get to be friends with her first. I think you can then be in a much better position to offer her help/advice on meal prep.

    Teach a man to fish, and all that.

    life's a game that you're bound to lose / like using a hammer to pound in screws
    fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
    that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
    bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
    LostNinjaceresDisruptedCapitalistYoSoyTheWalrusAmmalineNightslyrSkeithCambiata
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I would definitely go with what Aioua said. If I were her, I would think this was pretty over-the-top from someone who doesn't know the first thing about me, and I would be suspicious. You aren't just trying to feed a person who eats only sugar.. I mean maybe you are, but there are a lot of other things going on here too. It doesn't have to be a body image issue to be a problem.

    Which isn't to say that random acts of kindness from strangers are bad, and bringing her lunch once is a very cool thing to do if she can't afford it and you happened to be making yourself lunch that day anyway. Planning to bring her lunch every day when you have only known her a very short time to the point where you are thinking menus, and on top of that she's as much younger than you as you make it sound... you're wandering into "very weird" territory, here.

    It sounds like you really don't know WHY she eats like she does, or if she can afford to eat better and just doesn't. She could be doing the rubber-band thing where her parents always made her eat her veggies first and now she's going to have ice cream for dinner every night till she gets sick of it because grown-up now.

    My point is, be her friend first and get to know her "why". You don't know her well enough to be doing this. When you do it will be a MUCH different story. For now, maybe bring a really big lunch and share yours if she's interested. It's a lot less conspicuously weird and imposing.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    LostNinjaAiouaDisruptedCapitalistEncYoSoyTheWalrusEsseeAmmalineCalicachr1sh4ll3ttb3NightslyrSkeithPsykomaGnome-Interruptus
  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    look, hey, if you've talked to her about this and she's said "i'd love for you to make me lunch all week!" it could be a fun way to get to know someone you're (mutually) interested in...? i think there's some assumption in this thread that it hasn't been explicitly talked about, and if that's the case you have to slow the hell down and have a joint, impromptu lunch once or twice at the very least before planning her meals for her.

    if not, and she's said tend to me, i am so pathetic, i would go the chicken route since she's professed that she's comfortable with it - buy a whole roast chook and there's a million ways you can use it. chicken, lettuce, avocado sandwiches. chicken wraps with sundried tomatoes, hummus and swiss cheese. cold chicken with potato salad. shredded chicken caesar. then, when she's getting bored and about to go back to ring pops, BAM - PB&J.

    just please make sure she wants this.

    sC4Q4nq.jpg
  • Kristmas KthulhuKristmas Kthulhu Registered User regular
    I am 25 years old, I am not trying to get into her pants, I am just being friendly.

    I guess it was kind of silly of me to not be more explicit about this, but I do not wear a trilby, call women m'lady, nor act like a caring human being with the expectation of being rewarded with sex.

    Day 1, I am about to sit down for lunch, see her sitting alone and ask if I can sit at her table. Friendly chatter about classes commences, etc. The only thing she has for sustenance is a milkshake from Sonic, which she asks me to finish when she doesn't want any more.

    Day 2, Immediately before class starts, I see her in the hall eating a Pop Tart out of the bag. Again friendly chatter, then we head into our respective classes.

    A week of not running into her follows, until today I ask where she's been going for lunch. She hasn't been eating lunch, she says. Doesn't have money, apparently. Well, she did that morning, but her younger brother took it for his lunch. She mentions her nourishment for the day later via text when I ask her, and I say I'm making her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow. She laughs and says to make it for her Friday instead.

    The end. I don't have ulterior motives, I am just genuinely concerned for a random person I innocuously made friends with on the first day of classes. Because I am a friendly person.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I'm not accusing you of trying to get into her pants. I actually believe you. You seem like a nice enough guy. I'm just telling you how it looks.

    Make her lunch Friday. She said that's cool. But maybe don't make it a thing.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    CalicaNightslyrCambiataMadpoet
  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Erm. Okay?

    ...You know it's pretty weird to plan meals for people who you've just barely met, right? Like, do you have reason to believe that she cannot afford to eat or something?


    I honestly opened the thread expecting it to be requesting advice on where to take someone for a dinner date when you don't know what they like to eat, or something. I'm thinking you're just going to weird her out, because becoming someone's personal catering service at random is not a thing that anyone normally does - and on the contrary, regardless of your intent / lack thereof, offering lunch to someone is a pretty well established thing people do with romantic interest in mind.


    If you're genuinely worried about her nutrition:

    1) You're worried for no good reason; you don't know her or her dietary habits, only what she said in passing, and in any case you're not a doctor or a nutritionist.

    2) She's a grown-up and didn't ask for your advice, help or concern. If she wants to eat nothing but gummi bears & nerds until her teeth completely dissolve, so be it; random strangers don't have the privilege of staging an intervention.

    3) If she has an actual problem, it ought to be dealt with by actual professionals. Do you feel that you know enough about her situation or are a close enough confidant of hers that you could comfortably point her towards professional help? If not, well, chill out.


    Making lunches for someone is not a component of friendship. At best it's poor judgement on behalf of good intentions, at worst it's bribing them to keep their attention. If you want to be friends with her, just be friends with her.

    The Ender on
    With Love and Courage
    NightslyrTaekoCambiata
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Okay, so here's the thing. It may not seem creepy to you that you want to make her lunch every day. in fact, given that that's all it is, it's NOT creepy.

    But it will look creepy, because most people will not believe that you have no motives besides feeding someone. And the person it could look creepiest of all to? Her.

    if you want her to eat better, the only thing that planniing to be making lunch for her literally every day already will do is make her resist it because it's WEIRD.

    Make her lunch Friday. It will be a fun way to follow through on the joking exchange you guys had. Then maybe take her out to lunch a different day. Maybe next week you can say to her "I'm not your housewife, let's go out for lunch today".

    It is just weird to make lunches for someone when you are not even their friend yet. And it doesn't matter what you think. Your intentions are irrelevant, it is your actions that matter, and this particular set of actions will be weird until you know her better.

    Dhalphir on
    noir_bloodEsseeAmmalineCalicachr1sh4ll3ttb3NightslyrSkeithCambiata
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    Take it as a hint that most people in the thread have reacted this way. We aren't trying to be jerks - we are just a bunch of relatively normal people, much like the girl herself, her social circle, your social circle, and so on. And if we react this way, so will all of them.

    Taeko
  • WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Maybe try a different tactic? It sounds like you regularly eat together. Make yourself some great food each day, just more than enough for yourself.

    "Hmm this is good want to try a bite" could be a little less in your face than " Here I made you this, you should eat it"

    And who knows a few days of tasting proper food, may turn on that lightbulb in her noggin.

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
    Kristmas KthulhuLostNinjaAmmaline
  • Giggles_FunsworthGiggles_Funsworth Blight on Discourse Bay Area SprawlRegistered User regular
    You should throw a sausage sandwich into the rotation.

    You just take your sausage, slip it between two buns slathered in mayo. Give her some nuts to chew on for a snack if she's into that.

  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    Consider rice as a meal, with vegetables and meat. I mean, tell me Kristmas Kthulhu, how could a billion Chinese people be wrong?

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
    Kristmas Kthulhu
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    Yeah, like I kinda believe you and and everything, and I still find myself weirded out by the whole thing.

    It doesn't help that from your original posts about 'remembering being 19' and all, I had you pegged for a much older person, only to then realize you're just couple years older than her.

    Like others have advice, if you are sure you want to go down this route, I would just make and pack a meal for two and when you run into her for lunch say something like "I made too much, you want some?" and go from there. Just something simple, like grilled chicken and rice/salad.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    If it's not about dating this girl, maybe you are the sort of person that would love to volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you have a food-linked nurturing instinct this would be a good match. Sounds like this girl is not really needy, just 19 with no parents to say "Candy is not a real dinner", which she will probably snap out of at the next dentist's visit :)

    noir_bloodKristmas KthulhuEsseeDhalphirAmmalineWassermeloneNightslyr
  • Skull2185Skull2185 Registered User regular
    I feel like in this day and age, people will think you're just acting strange or have a hidden agenda when you're just trying to do something genuinely nice for another person/stranger. Not that I think the replies in here are too overreactionary or anything. But as long as it doesn't weird her out if you bring her something to eat, I wouldn't worry about it.

    I'm assuming you normally make and bring your own lunch. If you see her at lunch regularly, just make an extra sandwich and offer it up to her. No pressure or anything, just "Hey, I got an extra sammich, want it?" if not, then fuck yes, two sammiches for lunch. To me, it sounds like she's just a broke college student. I'm pretty sure at 19 she has to be aware that eating nothing but sugar all day is bad. I don't think you're in danger of becoming her dad or anything.

    Everyone has a price. Throw enough gold around and someone will risk disintegration.
    spool32InvictusKristmas KthulhuEsseeAmmaline
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    Making someone food, especially someone you are not dating, after ~2-4 hours of communication and three encounters is borderline stalker territory, especially if you are planning on making a habit of it. That isn't your intention, we know. But I would be doing you a disservice to not bring up how incredibly creepy this is.

    Also, you are entirely assuming that this girl lacks any degree of self agency in her life. She gets to choose how she eats, not you. If she chooses to not be healthy, that's her choice to make and you have exactly 0% of say so in that, especially given the insanely short amount of time you have met up with her. Feel free to say she should eat more, if you feel you need to. But having any expectations that you are right and she is wrong here is insanely bull-headed. You barely know this girl!

    Make her lunch once, it's well intentioned enough and can be a way to progress your relationship (once). Insisting she eat it or making her lunch multiple times makes you into something of a creep who is taking away her own decisions and values in support of his own, however justified by health and nutrition they may be. That's an incredibly bad path to take in any form of relationship, from friend to loved one, because it is essentially setting a power dynamic where you are "in control" over decisions that should not ever be yours.

    noir_bloodYoSoyTheWalrusAmmalineCalica
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Realtor Santa ClaritaRegistered User regular
    I've got a 20-year-old roommate who asked me how to cook rice. My jaw hit the floor so fast it created a plasma wake.

    There are just this weird group of people that have no idea how to attempt to do things on their own, so they do what is the easiest. Pop tarts, bags of potato chips, hot pockets. I'm not a terrific cook by any means, but I can pan sear a halibut steak with some cilantro and lime and a nice side of rice and asparagus.

    Also, remember the age-old adage: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for the night. Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for the rest of his life.

  • Kristmas KthulhuKristmas Kthulhu Registered User regular
    Some of you have made good points, like Akilae regarding allergies (thanks for that!) and Aioua suggesting to teach a man to fish, but I don't see why it has to be one or the other. I've got extra fish! I can do both.

    Also, many of you seem to be coming in here with weird hangups about what it means to be someone's friend and stratifying the levels at which it's appropriate to feed someone you know (apparently making someone lunch multiple times makes you into a creep who takes away others' decisions and values in favor of your own! The more you know!), while simultaneously reading into my intentions and ability to cultivate relationships. We're friends - not soul mates, not guardian and ward. Just friends. Would anyone seriously have these problems if I was doing it for a guy? Perhaps some of you should think on that.

    If it does turn out to be issues with food, I'm not going to press it, that's been brought up. But apparently many of you have never been teenagers, or have forgotten what it's like to be one, and are not aware that the way to one's heart is through his or her stomach. But that's totally a thing, you can trust me on this one. That, and they don't do a goddamn thing they don't feel like doing. Even if they "know" it's in their best interest.

    I'll check out bentos like ceres and Fantasma suggested. The wraps and salads and the like are also great. So if anyone's got more ideas or links and resources, keep them coming.

    Skull2185Broncbuster
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Yes I would still think it was weird that you were trying to feed your apparently helpless 19yo male friend because you'd be enabling him to continue to be helpless about their eating situation

    People don't grow up unless they get to make dumbass decisions, dude, you are not helping your friend long term by magicking lunch at her

    EncMichaelLCzerzhulDaenrisAmmalineCalicaGiggles_FunsworthNightslyrtynicSmrtnikSkeithnaporeonTaekoCambiataYoSoyTheWalrusPsykoma
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    I love my friends. I would do almost anything for them if they needed me and would not hesitate to help if asked.

    With that said I still think what you're doing is....maybe not creepy, but odd? I also don't feel like you're putting into consideration that she may not need or want your help. Like others have said, offering her some of your lunch if you made too much, or bringing her lunch once is fine. Making her food every day is what makes it really weird.

    Also, she's 19, meaning she's an adult. She can make her own choices.

    Caelum MilitisDaenrisAmmalinetynic
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    To answer your question: Yes. If you were doing this same string of actions to anyone, of any gender, of any age it would still be creepy. Unless you are doing it as an elective service, such as working at a shelter, you are appearing pitying at best and creepy at worst. You are robbing her of agency and control of her own life throughout your responses even here in the thread:
    Assuming incompetence:
    "...to make sure she's not malnourished as a person from an affluent family in the fucking U.S. of A."

    Assuming ignorance:
    "and so that hopefully she enjoys eating. I'm pretty sure it's not body image issues, more just a being young and complacent kind of thing (though honestly I've only known her for a few days)"

    Taking ownership of "feeding" her, as if she were a pet or child:
    "...about trying to feed someone who eats sugar twice a day and that's it."

    Assuming your experience is universal to her:
    "I remember being 19, and I sure as the day is long would have accepted..."

    Expecting a deserved reward for your actions toward her via your proxy story:
    "...and created in me a desire to learn how to take better care of myself, and to repay this person's kindness with food."

    Assuming she has a psychological disorder (multiple times, though this is the latest):
    "If it does turn out to be issues with food, I'm not going to press it, that's been brought up."

    Assuming, once again, deserved ownership of someone's heart through feeding them:
    "...and are not aware that the way to one's heart is through his or her stomach."

    Projecting your own experiences onto her and expecting she doesn't "know" what is in her best interest:
    "That, and they don't do a goddamn thing they don't feel like doing. Even if they "know" it's in their best interest."

    Honestly, the more you have written in here the more clear it is you have a mildly possessive and potentially harmful perspective on this relationship on a subconscious level. I'm not saying you are a creeper, only that your actions here are robbing agency from the person you are trying to "help" by making a ton of assumptions on her behavior with no information to truly go on here. She may eat more than she told you. Maybe she didn't feel hungry that day. Maybe there are other reasons she doesn't eat or, maybe, she just didn't feel like listing everything she recently ate with a complete stranger. In our weight-conscious society, especially for women, talking about anything that can be perceived as glutenous can make you a social pariah.

    I'm a college counselor and advisor for young adults. Part of our job is to understand that while you may have good intentions, you do not have the right or responsibility to take ownership of other people's actions. People are adults, and you should assume they are acting like adults and not tell them how to live based upon your own privileges and worldviews.

    If this were just about doing some person you liked a solid and sharing lunch one afternoon, this wouldn't be an issue. At all. If it were just about flirting with a girl and showing off your cooking skills, again it wouldn't be a problem. Thats a totes normal way to show your awesomeness during the dating progress that everyone can enjoy. But this isn't what seems to be happening here. You are making decisions over someone else's welfare and that's really no good for you or her in the long run.

    MichaelLCzerzhulDaenrisAmmalinemsurooWassermeloneCalicachr1sh4ll3ttb3naporeonNightslyrtynicnoir_bloodAl_watTaranisTaekoSeattle ThreadJuliusCambiataPsykoma
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    . We're friends - not soul mates, not guardian and ward. Just friends. Would anyone seriously have these problems if I was doing it for a guy? Perhaps some of you should think on that.

    .



    First off all, no, you're not friends. From your posts, you have had three interactions with her. When I was in college, I talked to and even occasionally hung out with a couple of classmates while waiting for my classes to start. I would not consider them friends.

    I would also consider it weird if someone(male or female) started to routinely bring me food. Enc also made a great point- You have absolutely no idea why she's eating bad, or EVEN if she's eating bad. Could be you caught her in weird week. Could be that every other day she has full, healthy, nourishing meals. Regardless, it's not really up to you to decide that you want to make it better for her and feed her meals.

    No one is saying don't maker a sandwich once, or offer her some of your leftovers if you brought too much. Everyone is telling you that yes, it would be kinda weird (despite your best, most noble and altruistic intentions) to want to constantly do this to her.

    And yet you become defensive and try to argue that nope, it's not weird at all.

    Except all you're doing is making it weird.

    AmmalineCalicaNightslyrCambiataPsykoma
  • HeraldSHeraldS Registered User regular
    @Kristmas Kthulu Start making lunch for her every day and let us know how it goes. Only way to find out who's right here really.

    Broncbuster
  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    Also, many of you seem to be coming in here with weird hangups about what it means to be someone's friend and stratifying the levels at which it's appropriate to feed someone you know

    Theres not been a single other person in this thread on the same page as you on this. Instead of all of us being off, isn't it far more likely that this is weird and that she will probably react the same way as everyone else in this thread? There is such a thing as coming on too strong even in the context of 'friendship' and not 'want to get into her pants'.

    AmmalineCalicaJuliusCambiataYoSoyTheWalrus
  • Skull2185Skull2185 Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    A week of not running into her follows, until today I ask where she's been going for lunch. She hasn't been eating lunch, she says. Doesn't have money, apparently. Well, she did that morning, but her younger brother took it for his lunch. She mentions her nourishment for the day later via text when I ask her, and I say I'm making her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow. She laughs and says to make it for her Friday instead.

    Kristmas made a new friend who doesn't eat well, and appears to lack the money to buy herself lunch. He's being a decent good person by offering to share food with her, you guys. It's not that hard. He's not trying to assert dominance over her or some silly thing... jeeze.

    Skull2185 on
    Everyone has a price. Throw enough gold around and someone will risk disintegration.
  • DasUberEdwardDasUberEdward Registered User regular
    I don't think you have enough evidence to say that this lady doesn't eat anything. She could be at the buffet on days where you don't see her.

    Maybe just learn more before making a decision.

    AmmalineWassermeloneCambiata
  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    It is a weird thing to do in modern Western society between two people of any age or sex.

    More so between two peers. This is not some old lady in your building that you drop off a casserole occasionaly, or a teen seeking out a shelter/food bank.

    Echo wrote: »
    Something working on the first try is a source of great suspicion.
    Cambiata
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    But you know what? I don't care whether any of that happens in this situation. I just want to help one individual because I have the capability to do so in a way that I personally find meaningful because her support system sure as shit isn't doing it.
    A week of not running into her follows, until today I ask where she's been going for lunch. She hasn't been eating lunch, she says. Doesn't have money, apparently. Well, she did that morning, but her younger brother took it for his lunch. She mentions her nourishment for the day later via text when I ask her, and I say I'm making her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow. She laughs and says to make it for her Friday instead.

    The weird part of all this, to me, is the degree to which you seem to be making the decision for her. So far, your narrative is not one of her asking you to help, or you talking with her about the situation and mutually deciding that you two can be lunch buddies.

    It's you stumbling upon the situation and declaring that you shall feed her.

    If this were a cat or stray puppy that would be a fine disposition. But this is a 19 year old person. She has volition, and within a contemporary Western society, autonomy. She is, legally, an adult.

    The language of "I'm going to help her in a way that I find meaningful" and "I say I am going to make her a sandwich for lunch tomorrow" treats her as not an adult, not an entity who has a say in her relationship towards you. That same theme is found in your opening post, where you go to the internet to ask about a 19 year old's nutritional needs, as one might seek advice on how to care for a stray kitten or baby squirrel.

    You're coming across as very heavy-handed, very paternal, and very...kind of obstinately assured that you are doing the right thing, despite a wealth of advice and reactions to the contrary.

    This is weird, and the degree to which you seem completely reluctant to acknowledge its weirdness makes it even more weird.

    I would suggest having a conversation with her: "Hey, I just met you, and seem to care about you to an incredibly high degree...for some reason...so would like to offer to share some of my food with you. Would that be helpful?" Instead of just declaring that you shall feed her.

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  • AmmalineAmmaline Registered User regular
    Skull2185 wrote: »

    Kristmas made a new friend who doesn't eat well, and appears to lack the money to buy herself lunch. He's being a decent good person by offering to share food with her, you guys. It's not that hard. He's not trying to assert dominance over her or some silly thing... jeeze.

    He's not like 'I'll toss a snack in my bag for her today, maybe she's hungry', though, which is what you are kind of suggesting here. I think what most people are taking issue with is the fact that instead of bringing in an extra sandwich or having a big lunch and sharing/talking to her about it (which other people have suggested), he is independently trying to work out a daily meal plan for someone he's only met a few times. I don't understand how anyone could NOT think that was an odd thing to do.

    I don't care that she's a younger girl, I 100% would think it was odd if another girl was doing it for me or if he was doing it for another guy. If they end up sharing lunch sometimes that's great! Maybe it even becomes daily and she appreciates it a lot! However, that is something that needs to develop more naturally than just showing up with a bag lunch every day before classes in the morning for someone you have met a handful of times AND don't even see every day as it is. Putting it simply I do not think he knows enough about this girl or her life to suddenly presume that she needs or wants someone doing something like that for her.

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  • Jebus314Jebus314 Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Skull2185 wrote: »
    I feel like in this day and age, people will think you're just acting strange or have a hidden agenda when you're just trying to do something genuinely nice for another person/stranger. Not that I think the replies in here are too overreactionary or anything. But as long as it doesn't weird her out if you bring her something to eat, I wouldn't worry about it.

    I'm assuming you normally make and bring your own lunch. If you see her at lunch regularly, just make an extra sandwich and offer it up to her. No pressure or anything, just "Hey, I got an extra sammich, want it?" if not, then fuck yes, two sammiches for lunch. To me, it sounds like she's just a broke college student. I'm pretty sure at 19 she has to be aware that eating nothing but sugar all day is bad. I don't think you're in danger of becoming her dad or anything.

    No need to continue to pile on the "it's weird" bandwagon but I wanted to address this point. I strongly disagree that people are against doing a solid for a stranger, or that we all assume someone has a hidden agenda. The problem is that almost any interaction you have with someone comes with some level of intimacy/connection, and whatever good you are doing can very easily be outweighed by your intrusion on another persons life.

    Take the OP for example. Having someone else make a meal for you is a very personal experience. Shit, for most of us the only people to ever make meals for us on a daily basis was our parents and maybe our SO. The OP is therefore basically saying that want to jump straight into a very personal, very close relationship with this stranger. You can't just insert yourself into someone's life like that without being invited in. Chances are very high that the benefit of getting a healthy diet are far outweighed by the downside of having a very personal relationship forced on you.

    I think this is a very common phenomenon. I've never met anyone that would be anything but grateful if a stranger wanted to give them cash and leave. But the second the so called "favor" starts to involve a lot of interaction and a very close relationship, the less like a favor it seems. Especially if the giver just assumes that they other person would totally want it, and doesn't even ask for permission.

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  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular


    Jebus314 wrote: »

    I think this is a very common phenomenon. I've never met anyone that would be anything but grateful if a stranger wanted to give them cash and leave. But the second the so called "favor" starts to involve a lot of interaction and a very close relationship, the less like a favor it seems. Especially if the giver just assumes that they other person would totally want it, and doesn't even ask for permission.

    Exactly.

    If someone offered me a sandwich back in College( or heck, even now), I'd be all "cool, got myself a sandwich".

    If I found out someone was actively making me a sandwich every day and going to the internet to find out what a growing 30 year old should eat, I would find it really weird.

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  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    If you are concerned about hunger and food issues, how about you start donating to a food bank? Or volunteer at a kitchen for homeless?

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  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    HeraldS wrote: »
    @Kristmas Kthulu Start making lunch for her every day and let us know how it goes. Only way to find out who's right here really.

    Gonna second this. It seems like you're looking for approval and/or permission for having already made this decision. You came in here already deciding if, and wanting advice on how. You've got advice on how, and don't want to be talked out of if, so just go for it and let us know what happens.

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  • zerzhulzerzhul Registered User, Moderator mod
    noir_blood wrote: »
    If someone offered me a sandwich back in College( or heck, even now), I'd be all "cool, got myself a sandwich".

    If I found out someone was actively making me a sandwich every day and going to the internet to find out what a growing 30 year old should eat, I would find it really weird.
    I just want to highlight how much I agree with how you put this. Also, I could now really go for a sandwich.

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