Wedding Dilemma

PrimePrime Registered User regular
We are trying to nail down our wedding date and although I'm not after being told what to do for our wedding by strangers I would welcome some outside perspective or personal anecdotes to help me work out the best course of action.

We are aiming for a midweek wedding because the venue my other half has fallen in love with is £££££ and is 1/5 the cost mid week. Due to this we have to have it during the school holidays for a number of reasons but mostly because a lot of the closest friends are teachers. This leaves the week before Christmas and towards the end of October. We originally decided on December as although its still winter the venue puts up lights and Christmas trees all over the place making it that much nicer as well as the general atmosphere being...well happier.

The problem we now have is I am only have 1 Best man and 2 Grooms men because quite frankly these 3 are my closest friends and the only ones I would want in those positions. Due to the date, mid week and just before Christmas we decided to ask all the important people if they had any huge issues with the date before we slapped down the deposit. All seemed fine until one of my grooms men got back to me telling me he wouldn't be able to book time off work in Dec (manager in large retail company).

This has left me in a very awkward position with my wife to be, but to her credit she is being very diplomatic about it despite not really having her heart in an October wedding.

Do I give my wife the day she has her heart set on or do I insist that we will have to do it in October instead? Is it about the people that are there or will we remember the day as a whole more?

Anyone got any insight from their own weddings?

Posts

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Your wedding is for your wife, the reception is for the people who attend, and you are literally the least important person on the entire day. Even the people who set out the chairs at the venue are more important on your wedding day than you are. Give her the wedding she wants.

    Dhalphir on
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  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    Oh, and moving the date of your wedding for ONE groomsman when the date is still nearly a full year away is insane. A LOT can happen in a year. He might get promoted, or fired, or find another job. Or he might even find a way to get time off.

    What if you move the wedding solely for him and it turns out that he would have been able to attend in December after all for x reason?

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  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    Oh, and moving the date of your wedding for ONE groomsman when the date is still nearly a full year away is insane. A LOT can happen in a year. He might get promoted, or fired, or find another job. Or he might even find a way to get time off.

    What if you move the wedding solely for him and it turns out that he would have been able to attend in December after all for x reason?

    We had considered that, but he is unlikely to leave his current job anytime soon.

    I think I haven't quite gotten across something important. ANY one of these 3 could have easily have been my best man. The best man is only so due to me having known him the longest out of the 3 (barely). These guys are like brothers to me.

    Prime on
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    I would not have changed the date of my wedding for the sake of one of my groomsmen.

    And again - you do NOT know what will happen. He may not feel like leaving his current job anytime soon, but that changes in an instant. In January 2012 I had absolutely no inkling that I was going to be looking for another job soon. Hell, in April I had no idea. But in May I had a revelation that I just didn't want to do my job anymore, started looking for work, and by July I was in a new job. You just don't know what will happen, and making an important decision about YOUR wedding based on HIS work - that's just silly. I wouldn't even have made a decision about my wedding decisions based on my own job, let alone someone else's;

    He has literally an entire year to figure out how to be at your wedding. If he's that close a friend, he'll make it happen somehow. I mean - for all you know, he's simply assuming he won't be able to get time off in December due to it being the retail crazy shopping season. But has he mentioned to his boss that it is for his best friend's wedding? Bosses just aren't usually as coldhearted as people think or popular culture would have you believe. Sure, maybe he won't be able to get a week off to spend it with you before the wedding on a bachelor party or whatever, and maybe he won't make it to the reception. But I am sure he could get a day or half a day off work to come to the ceremony.

    Dhalphir on
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  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Look, at the end of the day, only you can know how to weigh up these two factors. Only you can know how much your wife wants a December wedding, and only you can know how you will balance that against the chance of one of your best friends not being at the wedding.

    But if it was my wedding, and it was still nearly twelve months away, I would be telling my friend to spend the year figuring out how to get time off. Even at Christmas time, and even for a retail manager, getting one or two days off work for a wedding should not be impossible with a year's notice.

    Hell, they should even have time to hire temporary extra manpower to fill his shoes for the days when he isn't there.

    Dhalphir on
    Darkewolfe
  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    You've given me some good points to mull over. I think my guts saying your right.

    ihmmy
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    having it midweek (and during the holidays) seems problematic for a lot more reasons than the availability of one groomsman, but if the venue is a dealbreaker and you can only afford it then, there's not really much of a discussion to have

    personally the distinction between an october or a december wedding seems fairly irrelevant per se; is the venue only available at all during the deep winter months or something?

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    DeebaserDarkewolfe
  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    We are having it mid week for a number of reasons. One of which is cost but there are other family reasons which are immovable. I'm fine with mid week (by mid week I mean a Monday, not like a Wednesday), even if its a little more inconvenient, the wedding wont be huge numbers wise and the only people we plan on inviting, care about us enough to take the day off and have a long weekend.

    The only difference in the venue is that in Dec they have more Christmas theme with lights and done up trees in the grounds. But this is part of the appeal to her. Even I have to say the place will look pretty damn cool from what I've seen of previous events, and normally I dont give a damn about things like this.

  • alltheolivealltheolive Registered User regular
    If you go with the December date, it seems simple enough to arrange a nice visit with your missing groomsman. Invite him (and his family, if relevant) over for a weekend, do an activity, have him help you assemble some furniture or something after your wedding, go on a double date somewhere a little swanky, have a really good sporting event watching party, whatever appeals to add a good memory of him to your mental wedding album.

    October's a lovely month, too, though. I think you'll make a good time of it either way.

  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    You must have a phone tap on me, this is the exact same conversion I've been having with my other half :) I think Dec is looking like the date.

    Cheers for the advise/opinions. Helped me straighten my head out a little which is swimming in dates, appointments and costs!

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    If you go with the December date, it seems simple enough to arrange a nice visit with your missing groomsman. Invite him (and his family, if relevant) over for a weekend, do an activity, have him help you assemble some furniture or something after your wedding, go on a double date somewhere a little swanky, have a really good sporting event watching party, whatever appeals to add a good memory of him to your mental wedding album.

    We call those 'bachelor parties' here. The guys get together for typically some manly type thing.

    Also another vote for a Christmas wedding. It's nice when some of the decorating is done for you. For example we had ours during a big cicada year, so decorations and music was covered.

    MichaelLC on
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  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.

  • msuroomsuroo Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Have the wedding your fiancee wants, and whoever can make it can make it. Just go into it knowing that if you have it during the week (or on a holiday, or at a tropical destination, etc), that potentially not everyone can come, and that's OK.

    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.
    ^ But seriously, this.

    msuroo on
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    msuroo wrote: »
    Have the wedding your fiancee wants, and whoever can make it can make it. Just go into it knowing that if you have it during the week (or on a holiday, or at a tropical destination, etc), that potentially not everyone can come, and that's OK.

    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.
    ^ But seriously, this.

    Especially if it's midweek, as people are more protective of weekends during the holidays.

    Gaslight
  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    The whole company has a midweek holiday embargo Dec 1st to Dec 31st. Dont really know the in's and out's but suffice to say, he went to the top and this isn't a movable obstacle unless he changes jobs.

    We had a good chat at lunch, we are booking the date tomorrow for Dec...probably :P

    Prime on
  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    Your wedding is for your wife, the reception is for the people who attend, and you are literally the least important person on the entire day. Even the people who set out the chairs at the venue are more important on your wedding day than you are. Give her the wedding she wants.

    Okay, this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but nuts to the whole "your wedding is for your wife".

    I'm sure, in the history of weddings, there have been a couple of Grooms that wanted the wedding to turn out as perfect as the bride wanted. Hell, I'm sure TLC or A&E has an upcoming show about such grooms(and if not, dibs on pitching it).

    I'm kinda like you where I only have a couple of close friends, and if want told me that he couldn't attend the wedding date, I would try really hard to see if we could come up with an alternative that works for bride and I.

    Now obviously, all these is moot if you don't feel this way, or simply want to make your upcoming wife as happy as possible.

    To make it more relevant to the original post, I'd that for me a midweek, week before Christmas wedding would seem harder to attend than one in October.

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  • zepherinzepherin Registered User regular
    having it midweek (and during the holidays) seems problematic for a lot more reasons than the availability of one groomsman, but if the venue is a dealbreaker and you can only afford it then, there's not really much of a discussion to have

    personally the distinction between an october or a december wedding seems fairly irrelevant per se; is the venue only available at all during the deep winter months or something?
    I've gone to a lot of weddings, and I watch wedding shows with my SO pretty regularly. Bride's can get pretty fucking nuts over minute details. What everyone is wearing, who is where, what season, because you can only have certain flowers and colors in winter at your wedding, in October that is fall and you have to use a different set of colors. The bride has an image in her head of how her wedding is going to look, and woe be it to anyone, groom or otherwise who get's in the way of that.

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist koyaanisqatsi Registered User regular
    zepherin wrote: »
    having it midweek (and during the holidays) seems problematic for a lot more reasons than the availability of one groomsman, but if the venue is a dealbreaker and you can only afford it then, there's not really much of a discussion to have

    personally the distinction between an october or a december wedding seems fairly irrelevant per se; is the venue only available at all during the deep winter months or something?
    I've gone to a lot of weddings, and I watch wedding shows with my SO pretty regularly. Bride's can get pretty fucking nuts over minute details. What everyone is wearing, who is where, what season, because you can only have certain flowers and colors in winter at your wedding, in October that is fall and you have to use a different set of colors. The bride has an image in her head of how her wedding is going to look, and woe be it to anyone, groom or otherwise who get's in the way of that.

    Depends on the bride. My wife and I agree that if we ever did it all again (which of course we won't, cuz wedding are NUTS) we would just elope. It was a whole lot of pain and grievances with family when in the end all we wanted was just to be married. But my wife is a lot more easy-going than most folk.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    The wedding is for the groom as much as the bride. All this hype about "the bride's special day" is ridiculous. It is about two people. However you can't move the wedding for one groomsman. He can run the bachelor party as penance for missing the wedding :)

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  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    ONLY 1 Best Man and 2 Grooms Men? That's a lot. You only need the 1 Best Man.

    wilting on
  • msuroomsuroo Registered User regular
    The wedding is for the groom as much as the bride. All this hype about "the bride's special day" is ridiculous. It is about two people.
    It's about whoever you want it to be for. It can be for the bride, groom, parents, family, friends, hometown, or any combination thereof. There's no right or wrong way to get married.

    Lines like this:
    Prime wrote: »
    ...the venue my other half has fallen in love with...
    suggest a pretty traditional "girl has vision of magical day in her head" kind of bride-to-be though, and suggesting that the OP cater to those fancies isn't unreasonable.

  • CiriraCirira IowaRegistered User regular
    Prime I just got married in October last year and loved the time of year for pictures and everyone involved. The fall foliage for wedding pictures and the overall weather is probably much better in October than in Winter.

    With that being said, if you and your wife love the venue and she's also in love with the December wedding idea it is probably better to go that route. The only exception I would make to this is if you can't see your wedding happening without your Groomsman being able to attend.

    I would also say that despite your best planning things WILL happen. My wife and I planned our wedding out and had everything paid for and setup perfectly. The day before the wedding both the officiant and the best man got the flu and the day of the wedding my Mom ended up having a heart attack and missed the wedding (she's fine now, just bad timing), so just realize that despite any and all planning there's a chance that things will happen and the most important thing is that both you and your wife have the event you want.

  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    You give your wife the day she wants, and tell your groomsman you really wish he could be there.

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  • PrimePrime Registered User regular
    That is the route we have chosen to go. I think my first reaction was just the "oh *!"£%" reaction to the news. As much as I would want him there its not going to ruin the day or anything. Thanks for all the input.

    spool32DisruptedCapitalistzepherinDhalphir
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Prime wrote: »
    That is the route we have chosen to go. I think my first reaction was just the "oh *!"£%" reaction to the news. As much as I would want him there its not going to ruin the day or anything. Thanks for all the input.

    i have faith that something will happen this year to help him be able to attend.

    Worst comes to worst, can he not simply chuck a sickie?

    honestly, if I was him I'd just take the day off work anyway and dare them to do something about it, but we're in Australia where employers have to have a seriously seriously good reason to fire you and "took a day off without permission to go to best friend's wedding when boss was being a dick and wouldn't allow it" would see the employer up in front of the Fair Work tribunal if he tried to fire you for it.

    Dhalphir on
  • Ana NgAna Ng Registered User regular
    My dad gave me some advice when I was planning my wedding that was probably the best advice ever... do not change the date for people. Pick a date that you and your to-be spouse want and go with it. Because if you change it for one person suddenly you'll have reasons to change it for everyone. Don't open that door.

    DhalphirGaslight38thDoe
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    edited February 2014
    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.

    I actually have to disagree on this one. I work in a union job where days off are awarded based on seniority. Because of my low seniority (despite having worked at the company for 7 years now), I can pretty much never get days off in December, it's just too popular a month for everyone, even if I apply for the time in January.

    That said, I agree that you don't necessarily want to schedule your wedding around this one person.

    Edit: Also I should add that days available or not, I'd just call in without pay the day of myself, or trade days off or something.

    Cambiata on
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  • fightinfilipinofightinfilipino Angry as Hell #BLMRegistered User regular
    having just gone through figuring out the wedding date and venue with my fiancee, i will say that having a December wedding is shitty for most guests, because even the most reasonable employer won't be too keen on giving time off so close to the holidays. even then, most people are already allocating travel budget and time to visit their own family during December/New Year's.

    i think you and your spouse-to-be should really decide what is your priority for the wedding, since it is your wedding. if the priority is to get this awesome venue at an affordable price, and no other venue will do, and that you really want December, then i think you're gonna have to convince all of your wedding party to make the time. is your wife hoping that your family and friends are able to attend for the wedding? then she needs to understand that holding in December is going to really be difficult for a lot of people, not just your groomsmen.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    I had my wedding not long ago. I actually tossed the guy who was my closest friend off the groomsman list because he was putting some of the wedding at risk.

    My wife was not a bridezilla in any aspect. If anything, I was a groomzilla. There are absolutely couples who defy every stereotype in the world.

    But it is as close to a universal truth as it is possible to be that the wedding should be your wife's day, and the value that you take out of it is giving your new wife the most beautiful moment she can get.

    What is this I don't even.
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Cambiata wrote: »
    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.

    I actually have to disagree on this one. I work in a union job where days off are awarded based on seniority. Because of my low seniority (despite having worked at the company for 7 years now), I can pretty much never get days off in December, it's just too popular a month for everyone, even if I apply for the time in January.

    That said, I agree that you don't necessarily want to schedule your wedding around this one person.

    Edit: Also I should add that days available or not, I'd just call in without pay the day of myself, or trade days off or something.

    If you can't trade days/influence with someone to be in a damned wedding party, then either all of the people you work with are horrible or you don't care about the person's wedding you're attending.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    schuss wrote: »
    Cambiata wrote: »
    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.

    I actually have to disagree on this one. I work in a union job where days off are awarded based on seniority. Because of my low seniority (despite having worked at the company for 7 years now), I can pretty much never get days off in December, it's just too popular a month for everyone, even if I apply for the time in January.

    That said, I agree that you don't necessarily want to schedule your wedding around this one person.

    Edit: Also I should add that days available or not, I'd just call in without pay the day of myself, or trade days off or something.

    If you can't trade days/influence with someone to be in a damned wedding party, then either all of the people you work with are horrible or you don't care about the person's wedding you're attending.

    This is ignorant and dickish. Let's not do this.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    CambiataNobody
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    schuss wrote: »
    Cambiata wrote: »
    schuss wrote: »
    If he asks for 1 day off 6 months in advance, he should be able to get it off, even in retail.

    I actually have to disagree on this one. I work in a union job where days off are awarded based on seniority. Because of my low seniority (despite having worked at the company for 7 years now), I can pretty much never get days off in December, it's just too popular a month for everyone, even if I apply for the time in January.

    That said, I agree that you don't necessarily want to schedule your wedding around this one person.

    Edit: Also I should add that days available or not, I'd just call in without pay the day of myself, or trade days off or something.

    If you can't trade days/influence with someone to be in a damned wedding party, then either all of the people you work with are horrible or you don't care about the person's wedding you're attending.

    This is ignorant and dickish. Let's not do this.

    I disagree, but let's just end it there.

  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    I'm glad you were able to resolve this with your fiance. I just got married this last year and one of the things that my husband and I did that really helped was identifying what was most important to us about the wedding and what needed to happen for us to think it was a success. At the end of the day, we determined it would be a success if 1) we got married and 2) nobody died. The thing to really keep in mind is that while everyone pretends weddings are for other people, they should really about the two people getting married and celebrating that. There will be tons of other people's wants and needs that will keep raising their heads over the next year - you just need to figure out if they are important enough to accommodate. In most cases, they won't be and you'll still have an awesome wedding that your friends and family will have a great time at. There will be those that can't make it for whatever reason and it's not because they don't care enough, it just happens. The important thing is that they will be there to support you in your marriage, which is really what it's all about.

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