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Ending amicably
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This is hard and sad. I've been in a relationship for the past three years and I think it has run its course. One of the major reasons are that instead of encouraging each other to be the best people we can be, we seem to have fallen into a pattern of letting each other off the hook when we're lazy/slacking/making excuses. This has been going on for basically the duration of the relationship and shows no sign of stopping or changing. We have both at times tried to help motivate the other but I don't think we're good for each other that way. Another major reason is that my sexual interest has been on a decline for over a year. I know (because he's told me) that he's not satisfied with the level of sex in our relationship but I'm becoming less and less attracted to him in that way as time goes on to the point where I would be happier if we just didn't do more than cuddle any more. That's not what he wants and really it's not what I want either but the spark has been fading for over a year and both of our best efforts have done exactly nothing to bring it back. Also, I want kids and he doesn't, so that's a huge thing I've realized will never change. There's more but I think that paints the picture in broad strokes.
The problem is we still very much like each other. If I could hate him, this would be easy. If he had a glaring personality flaw or we fought a lot, I could explain it and we could either work on it or end for a good reason. But there is no good reason. I just don't love him any more. I recognize that there is no easy way to say that to someone. I would like eventually to be friends but I am equally aware that for at least the first few months after this happens, we should try not to see each other. We live together at this point so I know I have to move out asap which is really hard given my financial situation but it would be using him if I stayed for a reason like rent. There's a spare room so we won't have to deal with anyone sleeping on the couch until I find a place. The reason it has to be me that moves out is we live in a house owned by his mother.
Since I have the next week off of school, I'm planning on doing this then. I know it's Valentine's Day that week but he's never cared about that. We've never had Valentines plans so I'm not worried that he'll have broken the pattern this year and have a surprise planned for me or anything like that.
There's no easy way, but how do I do this? I'm an emotional wreck over it but I refuse to stay because it's hard to leave or to spare his (or my) feelings. Is there anything I can say that will make this hurt as little as possible? Since I'm the one doing the breaking up, is a renewal of contact solely his decision once he feels enough time has passed? I want to leave the door open for continuing to be friends eventually, especially considering that over the past few months we've been living together more as room mates than lovers anyway. Plus most of our friends are mutual so I don't want either of us left out of things because we're too immature to be in the same room together after a reasonable grieving period has passed.
Sorry for rambling. I just want to leave as kindly as possible. He's a wonderful person, we just shouldn't be a couple any longer. We could both be so much happier with other people or even alone. The guilt over these feelings/lack of appropriate feelings alone is making me miserable.
The problem is we still very much like each other. If I could hate him, this would be easy. If he had a glaring personality flaw or we fought a lot, I could explain it and we could either work on it or end for a good reason. But there is no good reason. I just don't love him any more. I recognize that there is no easy way to say that to someone. I would like eventually to be friends but I am equally aware that for at least the first few months after this happens, we should try not to see each other. We live together at this point so I know I have to move out asap which is really hard given my financial situation but it would be using him if I stayed for a reason like rent. There's a spare room so we won't have to deal with anyone sleeping on the couch until I find a place. The reason it has to be me that moves out is we live in a house owned by his mother.
Since I have the next week off of school, I'm planning on doing this then. I know it's Valentine's Day that week but he's never cared about that. We've never had Valentines plans so I'm not worried that he'll have broken the pattern this year and have a surprise planned for me or anything like that.
There's no easy way, but how do I do this? I'm an emotional wreck over it but I refuse to stay because it's hard to leave or to spare his (or my) feelings. Is there anything I can say that will make this hurt as little as possible? Since I'm the one doing the breaking up, is a renewal of contact solely his decision once he feels enough time has passed? I want to leave the door open for continuing to be friends eventually, especially considering that over the past few months we've been living together more as room mates than lovers anyway. Plus most of our friends are mutual so I don't want either of us left out of things because we're too immature to be in the same room together after a reasonable grieving period has passed.
Sorry for rambling. I just want to leave as kindly as possible. He's a wonderful person, we just shouldn't be a couple any longer. We could both be so much happier with other people or even alone. The guilt over these feelings/lack of appropriate feelings alone is making me miserable.
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I was in the same situation last year, and a lot of the things you say are similar. And we're actually pretty close to the date she dropped the bomb on me. There was nothing specifically that was wrong with our relationship, she just didn't feel in love anymore; she didn't feel like this was the relationship she wanted anymore. What followed was a sad and painful conversation. We ended up "trying to fix it" for a few months, even attending a couple's therapy. But looking back on it, all it did was adding a few months of severe stress where I constantly flipped between optimistic and pessimistic about the future of our relationship.
So at the point where you're at right now, you have to just end it and don't accept any deal to try and fix it. Once you're thinking in those ways there's nothing that either of you can do that will suddenly clear those kind of negatives thoughts from your mind. Who knows maybe sometime in the future you might reconnect but it's not something that can happen right now.
I was very sad that my relationship ended and it still makes me sad thinking about it but I don't have any resentment towards my ex. I understand that you can't force feelings and if they're not there anymore well, there's nothing to do but accept your fate and move on.
So, just sit down with him and tell him. Expect a long and emotional conversation but you can't avoid it. Already have an exit strategy planned out. A friend or relative you can stay at until you can make arrangements for your living situation.
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Trying to break up with someone 'gently', in my experience, tends to be the most unkind way to deal with them. I speak from the position of someone who has been broken up with a lot - sometimes people shut down the relationship with me in ways that made me tense and worried, and then only after a few days (or even more!) of that stressful limbo relationship, did they finally come out and tell me the situation (or in one case of a guy keeping me in non-communication limbo for a month, I eventually had to break up with him to give myself closure, which I suppose was what he wanted, but what an asshole!). The absolute kindest thing you can do for him is to tell him straight as soon as you can. You should make it clear that breaking up is non-negotiable, and not something he can talk you out of, or that you might change your mind about if he 'tries harder' or some other nonsense.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I don't think he'll try to change my mind or show much outward emotion at all. He's stoic to a fault, this will probably be much harder on me outwardly than it is on him. What happens to his insides will no longer be my concern.
I just talked to a friend and I have at least one couch to crash on, and very likely will have a few more offers. I will do this, it will be very soon because now that I've decided it feels cruel and wrong to keep up the pretense that everything is okay.
@taeko I hope this more closely resembles your "still best friends" scenario but you're right, I can't fear the alternative. The fact is I'm not happy with the current state of things so they have to change somehow.
And yes, there will be a lot of time between the breakup and hopeful friendship. No Facebook, no asking mutual friends how he's doing, nothing. If I make the breakup in any way messy, future friendship becomes way less likely and that's the opposite of what I want.
If I'm a guy who regularly blows off Valentine's Day, and you dump me shortly thereafter, I'm definitely going to think that was a factor (regardless of what you may say to the contrary). I may therefore get it in my head that trying to dial up the romance might get you back.
On the flip side, if you break up with me before Valentine's Day, that's a pretty clear message that you're not at all interested in being romanced; you're just done.
I feel this strange mix of relief of having made the decision, dread (but not "I could possibly back out of this" type fear) of going through with it, and shame that I'm having all these practical thoughts. I'm half falling apart, half meticulously planning. It's odd.
Basically, I don't want there to be much of anything left to say. I want to be able to go with whatever I pack and then grab things as I'm able while he's at work. I will so desperately want to see him so I want no reason to see him.
I got 6 or 8 months of that treatment, and it completely wrecked me for years.
If you ever believed that he had any genuine commitment to you then you owe him at least this much: tell. him. it's. over. No false hope. No hints. No bullshit excuses.
My mom has been through relationships before where she she wants to break up with someone, some grand gesture is made and they get back together, only for 6 months later the same issues from before crop back up. The sting isn't lessened, and it just made her feel like those last 6 months were an utter sham.
It demands a great amount of patience, but it is not insurmountable!
I don't think you're a sucker. I recently (like last month) finally set up an appointment with a doctor to work on what I think is probably depression so I kinda get what it means to make that step. The very act of confronting it instead of just ploughing along has already made a difference. And the fucked up thing is that I've been feeling like this for years without realizing there was anything abnormal, so it's entirely possible your dude has too and a lot of problems of the relationship are partly due to it.
A big help to me is having people I love being supportive.
I definitely thought about this and we talked about it. It turns out that he sees the world as an almost entirely hopeless place, one that he would never want to inflict on another living being by being his or her father. He told me that if he could start to see how there is hope for the future, kids would be a much less terrifying, possibly even welcome idea. I'm 27 right now and still in school so kids aren't part of my plan for at least another 5 years so I'm in no rush - if he after a year feeling better about life in general but still never wants to be a father then I won't see the year as wasted but instead I'll know that it's really him not wanting kids, not a depressed, hopeless version of him.