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Relationship advice/Need a fresh perspective
omegacrow
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, this might end up being a long one, Sorry in advance. I just need an outside perspective on whats going on in my life.
Back in February, things with my then girlfriend (Let's call her Kate) started getting rocky. I felt like we had nothing in common anymore. She would make me feel like shit because she was passive aggressive at times. I hit a patch of depression, worse than usual. I ended up breaking down into tears before we were going to do laundry. It was weird. It made me really look at my life and what I had with Kate. I started to wonder if she was really what I wanted.
I had met somebody else at work. Let's call her Jane. Now, me and Jane were friends for a couple months now, didn't hang out a lot, but we were friends. Mind you we were both in long term relationships. When things started getting bad with Kate, I turned to Jane and her boss (we are all friends) for help. They tried to help as much as possible. I guess around this time I started developing a little crush on Jane. Then I reached out to Jane through facebook on a Saturday I think, and then by the end of the day we were texting. The Monday after Jane, Her boss and I ended up at Subway for lunch. I wasn't hungry, so I grabbed a table and sat down. Jane sat right next to me, and we all started talking about how I was doing. I was miserable, but I noticed that Jane would scoot closer to me, and would rub her arm on mine. It was electric. Her boss goes and ends up making an example how Jane and I would be good for each other because of shared interests. Her boss and I talked alone after work that day, and I told him that I had feelings for Jane. He said that he had figured that out.
The next day, Kate left me a voicemail saying that we needed to talk. We had already been talking about our problems for about a week or so, and I was prepared for the worst. By this point I had very little faith that it would last between us. I got home, and we talked. She asked me if I had been seeing somebody else. I never had cheated on her, and I was offended that she would think that. The talk got out of hand, and by the end of it, I broke up with her. She stormed out, spouting some passive aggressive crap, something like "Oh look, now you look happier." I was furious. Grabbed everything I needed for a couple days, and stay at my parents.
Thursday, Jane asked me over to her apartment. We talked for a hour or so, a mix of her problems with her relationship, and what was wrong with mine. I had also told her by now I had feelings for somebody else. She kept asking me who. The next Tuesday we were hanging after work, in her car and I thought "Screw it" and decided to tell her. What blew my mind was the she said "I know" before I got it out. I told her anyways. She said she felt the same way, but was conflicted because she was still in a relationship. I couldn't believe she was into a guy like me, I was on could 9 on the commute home. The rest of the week past, and on Saturday, she invited me to dinner out of town with a friend of her's. After dinner, we all went back to her place. Her friend stepped outside to make a call, and while he was out Jane asked me to stay the night. I was reluctant, but I did. Friend left, we went to bed. We were only cuddling, and I figured that would be it. But I really wanted to kiss her, I even started moving towards her, trying to find her face in the darkness. But I couldn't. She was still with her boyfriend. Then she comes after me. We make out, she jumps on top. Full on ready to have sex. Now, I have some "problems." I've had for a while, so we didn't have sex that night.
We spend a LOT of time together over the next couple of weeks. Her boyfriend just so happened to be out of town a lot around this time. A happy coincidence. I spent the night a couple times, we would make out and starting fooling around. She tells me she loves me, and I tell her I love her. She had decided she was going to break up with her boyfriend. She told her parents, a couple of her friends, and her boss. She even took me away for a weekend to meet her mom. The sunday after that weekend, things changed. She sat down with her boyfriend and they talked. What he said wasn't what she was expecting. She became conflicted again. We talked about it, she said she needed more time and apologized greatly. Now, I want a future with her, so I decide to be patient.
Since then, my ex moved out of our apartment, and I'm back in it, giving Jane and I a get away, since I couldn't go over to her place since her boyfriend was back in town. (They don't live together, but in the same apartment complex. He actually doesn't want to live with her, he says he would end up hating her. Douche.) She's come over, we've spent some time together. Not as much as the first couple of weeks mind you, but some time. And then two weeks ago, she came over for a three day weekend. Thursday night through Sunday morning. Saturday night we had sex. It was GREAT. Best I've ever had. She said the same. She's my second sexual partner, FYI. She's also shows concern about whether or not I want to go back to Kate. She says she can't expect me to not want to. I tell her that I don't, that I think that the breakup was inevitable, that she's all I want, and I want a future with her.
Now, in addition to juggling me and her boyfriend, she's extremely busy. She goes to college, and has a LOT on her plate. So, she hasn't had a whole lot of time to sit down and process everything. (The first couple of weeks after we started all of this was around spring break, so she was free) So, last day of class was this past week, and finals end on the 9th. She'll be free again. But, she still hasn't broken up with her boyfriend. I'm committed to being patient, but I'm starting to get really scared. I'm starting to wonder about what I'm waiting for. If everything I've been doing will pay off. I 100% think that she's worth it. But I wonder sometimes if I'M worth it.
So, here I am. I didn't put every detail here, but I'd be willing to further explain anything. I just need some grounding I guess.
Back in February, things with my then girlfriend (Let's call her Kate) started getting rocky. I felt like we had nothing in common anymore. She would make me feel like shit because she was passive aggressive at times. I hit a patch of depression, worse than usual. I ended up breaking down into tears before we were going to do laundry. It was weird. It made me really look at my life and what I had with Kate. I started to wonder if she was really what I wanted.
I had met somebody else at work. Let's call her Jane. Now, me and Jane were friends for a couple months now, didn't hang out a lot, but we were friends. Mind you we were both in long term relationships. When things started getting bad with Kate, I turned to Jane and her boss (we are all friends) for help. They tried to help as much as possible. I guess around this time I started developing a little crush on Jane. Then I reached out to Jane through facebook on a Saturday I think, and then by the end of the day we were texting. The Monday after Jane, Her boss and I ended up at Subway for lunch. I wasn't hungry, so I grabbed a table and sat down. Jane sat right next to me, and we all started talking about how I was doing. I was miserable, but I noticed that Jane would scoot closer to me, and would rub her arm on mine. It was electric. Her boss goes and ends up making an example how Jane and I would be good for each other because of shared interests. Her boss and I talked alone after work that day, and I told him that I had feelings for Jane. He said that he had figured that out.
The next day, Kate left me a voicemail saying that we needed to talk. We had already been talking about our problems for about a week or so, and I was prepared for the worst. By this point I had very little faith that it would last between us. I got home, and we talked. She asked me if I had been seeing somebody else. I never had cheated on her, and I was offended that she would think that. The talk got out of hand, and by the end of it, I broke up with her. She stormed out, spouting some passive aggressive crap, something like "Oh look, now you look happier." I was furious. Grabbed everything I needed for a couple days, and stay at my parents.
Thursday, Jane asked me over to her apartment. We talked for a hour or so, a mix of her problems with her relationship, and what was wrong with mine. I had also told her by now I had feelings for somebody else. She kept asking me who. The next Tuesday we were hanging after work, in her car and I thought "Screw it" and decided to tell her. What blew my mind was the she said "I know" before I got it out. I told her anyways. She said she felt the same way, but was conflicted because she was still in a relationship. I couldn't believe she was into a guy like me, I was on could 9 on the commute home. The rest of the week past, and on Saturday, she invited me to dinner out of town with a friend of her's. After dinner, we all went back to her place. Her friend stepped outside to make a call, and while he was out Jane asked me to stay the night. I was reluctant, but I did. Friend left, we went to bed. We were only cuddling, and I figured that would be it. But I really wanted to kiss her, I even started moving towards her, trying to find her face in the darkness. But I couldn't. She was still with her boyfriend. Then she comes after me. We make out, she jumps on top. Full on ready to have sex. Now, I have some "problems." I've had for a while, so we didn't have sex that night.
We spend a LOT of time together over the next couple of weeks. Her boyfriend just so happened to be out of town a lot around this time. A happy coincidence. I spent the night a couple times, we would make out and starting fooling around. She tells me she loves me, and I tell her I love her. She had decided she was going to break up with her boyfriend. She told her parents, a couple of her friends, and her boss. She even took me away for a weekend to meet her mom. The sunday after that weekend, things changed. She sat down with her boyfriend and they talked. What he said wasn't what she was expecting. She became conflicted again. We talked about it, she said she needed more time and apologized greatly. Now, I want a future with her, so I decide to be patient.
Since then, my ex moved out of our apartment, and I'm back in it, giving Jane and I a get away, since I couldn't go over to her place since her boyfriend was back in town. (They don't live together, but in the same apartment complex. He actually doesn't want to live with her, he says he would end up hating her. Douche.) She's come over, we've spent some time together. Not as much as the first couple of weeks mind you, but some time. And then two weeks ago, she came over for a three day weekend. Thursday night through Sunday morning. Saturday night we had sex. It was GREAT. Best I've ever had. She said the same. She's my second sexual partner, FYI. She's also shows concern about whether or not I want to go back to Kate. She says she can't expect me to not want to. I tell her that I don't, that I think that the breakup was inevitable, that she's all I want, and I want a future with her.
Now, in addition to juggling me and her boyfriend, she's extremely busy. She goes to college, and has a LOT on her plate. So, she hasn't had a whole lot of time to sit down and process everything. (The first couple of weeks after we started all of this was around spring break, so she was free) So, last day of class was this past week, and finals end on the 9th. She'll be free again. But, she still hasn't broken up with her boyfriend. I'm committed to being patient, but I'm starting to get really scared. I'm starting to wonder about what I'm waiting for. If everything I've been doing will pay off. I 100% think that she's worth it. But I wonder sometimes if I'M worth it.
So, here I am. I didn't put every detail here, but I'd be willing to further explain anything. I just need some grounding I guess.
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If you're comfortable continuing to be this lady's side arrangement, then great. If not (and it sounds like not) tell her you want to be in a relationship with her or not see each other anymore
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
I'm not saying she definitely won't and it all won't work out in the end, but right now you're a pretty safe side thing. I think you need to ask yourself what you're going to do if she doesn't break up with him.
@ceres Yeah, I guess I'm a safe side thing. She does have a lot of problems with her boyfriend. And she DID pursue me. What worries me is that she wont want to break up with the boyfriend, and keep me on the side for who knows how long. I sometimes wonder if there should be a point that I stop waiting. The trouble is I'm willing to wait forever, and I think she's worth it.
Personally, if you set yourself an internal time limit for this and she doesn't meet it (she breaks up with him in X time or I leave), I think you should consider that last one. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone you had to say "him or me" before she could be bothered to decide on you, because that person is going to do the minimum they can get away with in order to keep you in their lives.
That's my opinion. I don't think this relationship is probably going to go anywhere, but I do hope I'm wrong.
The newness of a crush can be incredibly intoxicating, especially since you both seem to be either coming off bad breakups or going through a rocky patch with your SO's.
It sounds like both you and Jane have to work out your other relationships before thinking about getting into something with each other.
And thanks to everybody, I really appreciate everyone that took the time to read.
I think that if she's not going to leave her boyfriend (or hasn't yet), you should be seeing other people in the mean time. If you want to have safe, casual, and awesome sex go right ahead. Do not make her the focus of your life if you're not the focus of hers. Meet some other people, don't be afraid to get intimate with them. Make she is who you want rather than just the person that is convenient and attractive.
I have to say that I am very much against the "once a cheater, always a cheater" idea. People make mistakes, and they learn from them, and I know that.
Having said that, and keeping in mind that I feel that way, I think this whole thing is doomed not because she cheated on him and that means she'll cheat on you, but because she is CONTINUING to cheat on him. If something just *happened* and you guys were holding off until she finally manages to break up with him, I can get on board with that. The fact that she doesn't seem to have a problem carrying on with you despite the fact that she's still with him doesn't bode well in my mind.
My advice is: dump both of them. They are both bad for you. The best people *only* come along when you are single, because the best people don't cheat. If you keep yourself tied up in dead-end relationships, the good people will never make a move.
Like others have said, if you're serious about her, and want a relationship out of this, the best thing to do is tell her that can't do this if she's still seeing someone else. Break contact with her and wait for her to end her current relationship AND that enough time has passed that there's clarity for both of you.
Because right now, a lot of what you've described reads as "we were both in a shitty place and found that being with each other was less shitty".
well then you're in a tough spot, because those are your only two options. If she doesn't want to break up with her SO and still wants to get with you from time to time, you can either figure out a way to be okay with that or you can move on.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
You are rebounding hard dude
Take some time to be alone, learn to be kind to yourself, work on your brain, etc.
You are most definitely rebounding.
To water it down, say Kate may have been 40% of what you wanted in a relationship, and it was enough to keep you in it for a while.
Jane may also actually be 40%, but it could be the 40% of what Kate wasn't, so everything looks extra good and extra awesome because you hadn't had that before.
But end of the day, it seems like you need to be alone for a bit and take care of yourself, instead of waiting around for someone whose relationship with you may be primarily enjoyable for her exactly because Jane is getting her needs met between you and her current boyfriend.
@vivixenne @usagi I feel like I needed to hear that.