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Aw, son of a [Cards Against Humanity] (On break for a while, but reserves welcome)

Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
edited September 2016 in Critical Failures
I can't believe it's been over a year and a half and almost 100 pages. Let us remember what has come before.
Games will have 7 players. That should be enough to get a good range of choices.
The current deck contains all six main expansions, Christmas 2012, 2013 and 2014, PAX Prime 2014 and 2015 (and some PAX East 2014), 90s nostalgia and the science pack.

DA RULES
You'll be given a hand of 10 white cards, at least one of which will be used to fill in a blank or answer a question from a black card.
I'll PM you your hand at the beginning of the game and after you submit your choice(s), which you can do via PM.
Once the black card is played, you'll have 36 hours to submit a card. I'll ping you if I haven't received yours and the deadline's looming. Otherwise, Ms. Dee Ten will pick your card(s).
If your card is chosen, you win a point. This point can be used later to reset your hand. The first to 10 points wins.

Winner judge has been chosen, so if you win the round you will judge the next round.

Blank cards are in! If you're judging when a black card is drawn, you can make up that round's question requiring up to three cards. If you can't think of anything, let me know and I'll come up with something.
If you have a blank white card in your hand, it's a rare and precious gem that will let you submit anything you want within 15 words.

Please let me know if you have to stop playing so I can bring in a reserve player.
The current game begins here.

Player List
TheRoadVirus Heffling - 10 points!
Criterion Collection presents Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love developing secondary sex characteristics.
Tonight, on Cooking for Humans, we're making my favorite: Sexual tension. A delightful meal that consists of dem titties stuffed with a hopeless amount of spiders.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves and an ice pick lobotomy.
I'll say this for Guy Fieri: nobody knows being a shit cook, the lead singer of Smash Mouth, AND a member of ICP like he does.
The healing process began when I joined a support group for victims of my sex dungeon.
When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate Velcro.
Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: 'Accidentally' unhooking his body cam and doing shady shit without repercussion.
Patient presents with a crazy little thing called love. Likely a result of a big black dick.
Rumor has it that Vladmir Putin's favorite delicacy is a nuanced critique stuffed with ethnic cleansing.
In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with winning the approval of Cooking Mama that you never got from actual mama for the first time.
LostNinja - 8 points
Chopping off a bit of the penis: Kid-tested, mother-approved.
Now on Netflix: Jiro Dreams of having shotguns for legs.
Coming to Broadway next season: "Never Having Sex Again on the Roof".
What's there a ton of in heaven? The 9,000 children who starved to death today
What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Yelling "girl power!" and doing a high kick
"What is The Greasy Strangler, you ask? Well, it's kind of like expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor."
My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa.
I never truly understood beating your wives until I encountered all these decorative pillows.
Dr. Flamingo - 6 points
As part of his daily regimen, Anderson Cooper sets aside 15 minutes for sweet, sweet vengeance.
And what did you bring to show and tell? A powered exoskeleton
Did you hear who's playing the Verizon Center? It's Space Muffins, with special guest The Gulags!
Call the law offices of Goldstein & Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate hipsters in the workplace.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri.
This year's hottest album is "The way white people is" by Barack Obama.
Elvenshae - 7 points
Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a magical tablet containing a world of unlimited pornography.
What did the US airdrop to the children of Afghanistan? Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits
Why can't I sleep at night? Goblins
Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is children on leashes.
The quiet majesty of the sea turtle
Pooping as quietly as possible
A sea of troubles
You haven't truly lived until you've experienced an unstoppable wave of fire ants and The Great Lizard Uprising of 2352 at the same time.
Don't worry, kid. It gets better. I've been living with cool 90s up-in-the-front hair for 20 years.
Kaplar - 7 points
Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out having sex on top of a pizza.
According to Freud, all children progress through three stages of development: the oral stage, the anal stage, and the being a dinosaur stage.
My mom freaked out when she looked at my history browser and found ChildProtectiveServices.com/DeadBabies
I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for rising sea levels consistent with scientific predictions.
Jesus is being replaced by a robot.
This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for exactly what you'd expect.
The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine, acceptance.
See317 - 9 points
Why am I so tired? Judging elves by the color of their skin and not by the content of their character
What left this stain on my couch? Sneezing, farting and cumming at the same time
After months of debate, the Occupy Wall Street General Assembly could only agree on "More kale!"
Major League Baseball has banned fabricating statistics for giving players an unfair advantage.
The votes are in, and the new high school mascot is a mouldering pile of eviscerated students forever chanting silent hymns to the dark gods.
When I was tripping on acid, making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation turned into Five-Dollar Footlongs.
Buzzfeed presents: 10 pictures of the Underground Railroad that look like a spontaneous conga line.
Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of failing the Turing test?"
Only two things in life are certain: death and never having the right card at the right time.
Ketar - 9 points
Armani suit: $1,000. Dinner for two at that swanky restaurant: $300. The look on her face when you surprise her with free ice cream, yo: priceless.
Can't you see? The Jews are behind everything - the banks, the media, even The Star Wars Holiday Special.
A curse upon thee! Many years from now, just when you think you're safe, a three-foot tall corned beef sandwich shall turn into doo-doo.
Here lies Man in the Mists, 197X-2016. Devoted friend, lover of nude-modding Super Mario World.
No Enforcer wants to manage the panel on "PAX Without Khoo: Oh God, Oh God We're All Gonna Die?"
Blowjobs for everyone. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.
Before unlocking a new sex position, all we had was double penetration.
There was a riot at the Gearbox panel when they gave the attendees roofies.
Yo' mama so fat she a gassy antelope!

RESERVES
Cythraul
Heffling
Mi-go Hunter
Corbius
Goose!
Buddha73
Vertroue
Cog
Anialos

Man in the Mists on
Geth
«13456773

Posts

  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    edited August 2015
    Round 1 results
    Boozer - 7 points
    You may have defeated me, Power Rangers, but you will never be able to stop my disco fever from destroying the city! Hahaha!
    After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought Fancy Feast to the people of Haiti.
    Lifetime presents Double Penetration, the story of a dance move that's just sex.
    When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of Lumberjack Fantasies.
    And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for yelling "girl power!" and doing a high kick!
    Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're Space Jam on VHS.
    Wake up, America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their almost giving money to a homeless person.
    Axman13 Cog - 3 points
    In return for my soul, the Devil promised me a sweet spaceship, but all I got was stranger danger.
    What's the gift that keeps on giving? The Quesadilla Explosion Salad from Chili's
    Science will never explain the origin of Congress's flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
    Iongantas - 10 points!
    The Boy Scouts of America. Betcha can't have just one!
    Revealed: Why He Really Resigned! Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle with Scientology!
    What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard? Bill Nye the Science Guy
    Say it ain't so, Doc! Was it because of my being awesome at sex with a gassy antelope?
    That's right, I killed the economy. How, you ask? Corporate personhood.
    He's a for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes Gotham deserves, but the one it needs right now is a Native American who solves crimes by going into the spirit world
    Multiple stab wounds
    Ominous background music
    Three months in the hole
    I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of the entire Internet.
    Press DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT B to unleash the bleeding ghostly foreskins of a thousand botched circumcisions.
    When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate being on fire.
    Discrider - 9 points
    Crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath. High five, bro.
    I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow a spontaneous conga line at the country club.
    After months of debate, the Occupy Wall Street General Assembly could only agree on "More dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up!"
    What all else fails, I can always masturbate to vomiting mid-blowjob.
    You've seen the bearded lady! You've seen the ring of fire! Now, ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes upon testicular torsion!
    Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits hot people against a big hoopla about nothing.
    And the Academy Award for a mating display goes to William Shatner.
    This season on Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls must survive in the depths of the Amazon with only Vietnam flashbacks and his wits.
    Why am I sticky? Flying sex snakes
    When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate being on fire.
    Initiatefailure - 8 points
    But wait, there's more! If you order women's suffrage in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-up Board Game absolutely free!
    What has been making life difficult at the nudist colony? Mad hacky-sack skills
    The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on drinking alone.
    Finally! A service that delivers exactly what you'd expect right to your door.
    TSA guidelines now prohibit having a strong opinion about Obamacare on airplanes.
    How am I maintaining my relationship status? Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick
    The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, another shot of morphine, acceptance.
    Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was masturbation.
    Dr. Flamingo - 7 points
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying?"
    What does Dick Cheney prefer? Getting caught up in the CROSSFIRE
    BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ANAL BEADS.
    A time travel paradox: kid-tested, mother-approved.
    I like pistol-whipping a hostage on a sad fat dragon with no friends, if ya know what I mean.
    Why do I hurt all over? Offering sexual favors for an ore and a sheep
    This month's Cosmo: "Spice up your sex life by bringing Sunny D! Alright! into the bedroom."
    Extreaminatus - 7 points
    In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that winning the approval of Cooking Mama that you never got from actual mama had really been depression all along.
    What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Historically black colleges
    During his childhood, Salvador Dali produced hundreds of paintings of my dad's dumb fucking face.
    Adventure. Romance. Revenge fucking. From Paramount Pictures, "Mr. Clean, right behind you".
    What are my parents hiding from me? Pretending to care
    How am I compensating for my tiny penis? Preteens
    Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us chainsaws for hands.


    Round 2 results
    Cog - 7 points
    Turns out that Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes-Man was neither the hero we needed nor wanted.
    My gym teacher got fired for adding snorting coke off a clown's boner to the obstacle course.
    I don't mean to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of man meat.
    What's there a ton of in heaven? Ennui
    While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on the way white people is.
    In the seventh circle of Hell, sinners must endure catastrophic urethral trauma for all eternity.
    Hi MTV! My name is Kendra, I live in Malibu, I'm into Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him), and I love to have a good time.
    Gizzy - 9 points
    What killed my boner? That time I mistook a running food disposal for a glory hole
    Angry parents everywhere are suing Wal-Mart for selling children's sized costumes of a sweaty, panting leather daddy.
    What do old people smell like? Indescribable loneliness
    In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with Gandalf.
    What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed? Morgan Freeman's voice
    I don't know exactly how I got the PAX plague, but I suspect it had something to do with actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers.
    Bob Ross's little-known first show was called "The Joy of happy little Sexy TheRoadVirus."
    In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of fucking up "Silent Night" in front of 300 parents.
    In the new Disney Channel Original Movie, Hannah Montana struggles with coat hanger abortions for the first time.
    Chamberlain - 7 points
    For my next trick, I will pull God out of Ronald Reagan.
    Here at the Academy for Gifted Children, we allow students to explore Sexy TheRoadVirus at their own pace.
    This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of taking down Santa with a surface-to-air missile to save Christmas.
    Well what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for getting drive-by shot.
    I am become a Bop It, destroyer of Denzel!
    My mom freaked out when she looked at my history and found sexyTRV.com/getting_naked_and_watching_Nickelodeon.
    What did the US airdrop to the children of Afghanistan? Explosions
    Megafrost - 6 points
    What's a girl's best friend? A sex goblin with a carnival penis
    Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight! You can be calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality, and I'll be getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group.
    Only two things in life are certain: Death and having been dead for a while.
    You're my Cuppycake, Gumdrop. Snoogums-Boogums, You're the Apple of The Basic Suffering That Pervades All of Existence.
    During my first game of D&D, I accidentally summoned Trogdor the Burninator.
    And what did you bring for show and tell? The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir
    LostNinja - 6 points
    Siskel and Ebert have panned several intertwining love stories featuring Hugh Grant as "poorly conceived" and "sloppily executed".
    As part of his daily regimen, Anderson Cooper sets aside 15 minutes for insatiable bloodlust.
    Do you lack energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is Republicans? Zoloft.
    Tonight on 20/20: What you don't know about Sudden Poop Explosion Disease could kill you.
    Hi, this is Jim from accounting. We noticed a $1,200 charge labeled "Deflowering the princess." Can you explain?
    Faced with a lifetime of regret, my only true happiness is my memories of the systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life.
    Cythraul - 6 points
    Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of The Cock Ring of Alacrity.
    Here's what you can expect for the new year. Out: Fiery poops. In: Buying the right pants to be cool.
    Why am I broke? Bitches
    In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of actually getting shot, for real.
    Don't forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become "Blackface Friday".
    Surprise sex!: It's a trap!
    TheRoadVirus - 10 points!
    After blacking out during New Year's Eve, I was awoken by another shitty year.
    I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with assless chaps.
    Believe it or not, Jim Carrey can do a dead-on impression of an angry stone head that stomps on the floor every three seconds.
    Major League Baseball has banned object permanence for giving players an unfair advantage.
    What's the most emo? Bowser's aching heart
    Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children fetal alcohol syndrome.
    My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of raptor attacks and the day the birds attacked.
    What keeps me warm during the cold, cold winter? An unstoppable wave of fire ants
    I never truly understood incest until I encountered sexy grandpa winking suggestively as he removes his dentures and slides under the covers.
    Having the worst day EVER. #MyBoyfriend'sStupidPenis

    Round 3 results
    Mikey CTS - 5 points
    It's Morphin' Time! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Triceratops! Sabertooth Tiger! Bill Nye the Science Guy!
    My new favorite porn star is Joey "the milk man" McGee.
    He who controls breeding elves for their priceless semen controls the world.
    Yo' mama so fat she the way white people is!
    Next time on Dr. Phil: How to talk to your child about interspecies marriage.
    Jdarksun - 5 points
    Patient presents chainsaws for hands. Likely a result of being replaced by a robot.
    Have I ever told you the story about my worthless son?
    And today's soup is Cream of Sum Yung Gai.
    Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and queefing.
    What's the next superhero/sidekick duo? The Cock Ring of Alacrity / Surprise sex!
    Corbius - 4 points
    When I pooped, what came out of my butt? Grandpa's ashes
    Today on Buzzfeed: 10 Pictures of a Brain Tumor That Look Like Loki, the Trickster God!
    What's making things awkward at the sauna? The boners of the elderly
    In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from white privilege.
    Anialos - 10 points!
    What am I giving up for Lent? Picking up girls at the abortion clinic
    The Japanese have developed a smaller, more efficient version of gladiatorial combat.
    I really hope my grandma doesn't ask me to explain 10 Incredible Facts About the Anus again.
    It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from the shambling corpse of Larry King.
    There was a riot at the Gearbox panel when they gave the attendees a Super Soaker full of cat pee.
    Step 1: The hardworking Mexican. Step 2: All of that stuff white people won't do. Step 3: Profit.
    I spent my whole life working toward a gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry, only to have it ruined by the Kool-Aid Man.
    Help me doctor, I've got half-assed foreplay in my butt!
    Legend speaks of a Chosen One who will do the most erotic dance mankind has ever known and save the kingdom from erectile dysfunction.
    I got 99 problems but finding Waldo ain't one.
    Auralynx - 7 points
    I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
    Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without Jeff Goldblum.
    After months of practice with the mixing of the races, I think I'm finally ready for Barack Obama.
    The thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn is a slippery slope that leads to doin it in the butt.
    The Discovery Channel presents: Sexy pillow fights week.
    On your left, you see a fine example of a sex goblin with a carnival penis, unfortunately wiped out in the Great Shunning Things Both Frightening and Strangely Intriguing.
    Armani suit: $1,000. Dinner for two at that swanky restaurant: $300. The look on her face when you surprise her with farting and walking away: priceless.
    Kaplar - 7 points
    Why am I so tired? Pumping out a baby every nine months
    In a pinch, a homoerotic volleyball montage can be a suitable substitute for an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours.
    What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner? Some douche with an acoustic guitar
    I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm One ring to rule them all.
    What does Steve Buscemi demand to have provided in his trailer? The Chinese gymnastics team
    We never did find Bruce Wayne, but along the way we sure learned a lot about dead parents.
    Peeing a little bit: Good to the last drop.
    Grunt's Ghosts - 2 points
    During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into a sexy TheRoadVirus in a homemade, cum-stained Star Trek uniform.
    My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of buying virtual clothes for a Sim family instead of real clothes for a real family.

    Round 4 results
    Buddha73 - 6 1/2 points
    March comes in like Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits and goes out like a caress of the inner thigh.
    Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of white self righteous judgmental religious homophobic hypocrites, and I will not tolerate Blackula.
    If 50,000 volts straight to the nipples was good enough for Grandma, it's good enough for me.
    Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out panda sex.
    A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without suicidal thoughts.
    Members of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience eating the last known bison.
    Now in bookstores: "The Audacity of the entire Internet", by Barack Obama.
    NotoriousBEN - 4 points
    Dear Mom and Dad, Camp is fun. I like capture the flag. Yesterday, one of the older kids taught me about Fuck Mountain. I love you, Casey.
    Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group more than she loves Daddy.
    How did Stella get her groove back? An unstoppable wave of fire ants
    Like the Devil himself, State Farm is there.
    Extreaminatus - 4 points
    Throwing a virgin into a volcano would be woefully incomplete without slow motion.
    Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with coat hanger abortions and would like some advice.
    After the break up, my ex tried to take my machete with them, but I managed to get them to settle for only an uppercut.
    What's that smell? A Christmas stocking full of coleslaw
    Initiatefailure - 8 points
    The most controversial game at PAX this year is an 8-bit indie platformer about eating Tom Selleck's mustache to gain his powers.
    What's my anti-drug? Enormous Scandinavian women
    Buzzfeed presents: 10 pictures of Justin Beiber that look like a monkey smoking a cigar.
    Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: Calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality.
    As king, how will I keep the peasants in line? A can of whoop-ass
    This is the way the world ends / This is the way the world ends / Not with a bang but with a sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness.
    A foul mouth: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for getting hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.
    Because they are forbidden from masturbating, Mormons channel their repressed sexual energy into Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
    Dr. Flamingo - 4 points
    A curse upon thee! Many years from now, just when you think you're safe, my relationship status will turn into pooping back and forth, forever.
    What's fun until it gets weird? An angry stone head that stomps on the floor every three seconds
    I drink to forget the diminishing purity of the white race.
    Star Trek II: the Wrath of Wrath.
    Discrider - 10 points!
    Coming to Broadway this season, AIDS!: The Musical.
    Before ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry, all we had was bees?.
    Now that Mom's gone, Dad has more free time for "the Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina".
    The Boy Scouts of America + The Merit Badge for DNA Sequencing = The Great Lizard Uprising of 2353
    But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a shiny rock that proves I love you.
    You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on edible underpants, and then there's some stuff about a balanced breakfast, and then it ends with letting everyone down.
    After the Olympics and Crimea, Putin's next conquest is winning the hearts and minds of his people, one flex at a time.
    WHOOO! God damn I love silence!
    In Rome, there are whisperings that the Vatican has a secret room devoted to not believing in giraffes.
    Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you active listening .
    VertroueKoreg - 6 points
    Before Kryptonite, Superman's weakness was going to be the Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System.
    I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for fabricating statistics.
    Up next on Nickelodeon: "Clarissa Explains the clitoris."
    Behold the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! War, Famine, Death and Media Coverage.
    Raping and pillaging. This is how I want to die.
    In a world ravaged by stormtroopers, our only solace is vigilante justice.

    Man in the Mists on
    Geth
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    edited June 2016
    Round 5 results
    See317 - 4 points
    I couldn't find a condom, so I had to use the power of the Dark Side instead.
    How am I compensating for my tiny penis? Overcompensation
    Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it the predictions of horrifying things to come that my conjoined twin whispers in her sleep?
    The class field trip was completely ruined by a bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles an hour.
    TheRoadVirus - 5 points
    Members of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience being a dinosaur.
    Adventure. Romance. Literally eating shit. From Paramount Pictures, "Ass to mouth".
    AIDS monkeys + A for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes = Finally finishing off the Indians
    Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of the Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
    I got 99 problems but dem titties ain't one.
    Cog - 8 points
    Turns out that Fisting-Man was neither the hero we needed nor wanted.
    What's the next Happy Meal toy? Bees?
    In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with rising sea levels consistent with scientific predictions.
    I really hope grandma doesn't ask me to explain the gays again.
    The Smithsonian Museum of Natural History has just opened an interactive exhibit on Pamela Anderson's boobs running in slow motion.
    How awesome I am may pass, but Sean Connery is forever.
    Come to Dubai, where you can relax in our world-famous spas, embrace the nightlife, or simply enjoy sperm whales by the poolside.
    You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on Bill Nye the Science Guy, and then there's some stuff about a cooler full of organs, and then it ends with mutually-assured destruction.
    Gizzy - 4 points
    Tonight, we will have sex. And afterwards, if you'd like, a little bit of whatever you wish, mother.
    What's the latest bullshit that's troubling this quaint fantasy town? White Walkers are going to turn this town into ice zombies. Winter is Coming.
    I spent my whole life working toward eating together like a god damn family for once, only to have it ruined by a tiny horse.
    What do old people smell like? Death approaching
    LostNinja - 3 points
    Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves getting hilariously gang-banged by the Blue Man Group more than she loves Daddy.
    Well what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for helplessly giggling at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
    In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of reading the comments.
    Chamberlain - 9 points
    In a world ravaged by flying sex snakes, our only solace is teaching a girl how to handjob the penis.
    What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner? An army of skeletons
    In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of masturbation.
    BILLY MAYS HERE FOR ALL OF THE COCAINE.
    In 1,000 years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services? Puppies!
    Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you me time.
    What killed my boner? Getting caught by the police and going to jail
    I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them.
    My new favorite porn star is Joey "A bigger, blacker dick" McGee.
    Cythraul - 10 points!
    Wes Anderson's new film tells the story of a precocious child coming to terms with the shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
    Dear Mom and Dad, Camp is fun. I like capture the flag. Yesterday, one of the older kids taught me about seeing things from Hitler's perspective. I love you, Casey.
    What's the gift that keeps on giving? White privilege
    A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis would be woefully incomplete without foreskin.
    Siskel and Ebert have panned getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick as "poorly conceived" and "sloppily executed".
    What's making things awkward at the sauna? The harsh light of day
    Free ice cream, yo. It's a trap!
    Having problems with the clitoris? Try licking things to claim them as your own!
    Lifetime presents Fancy Feast, the story of edible underpants.
    Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me Party Mexicans.

    Round 6 results
    Jdarksun - 8 points
    As king, how will I keep the peasants in line? Ambiguous sarcasm
    Listen, son. If you want to get involved with one unforgettable night of passion, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of Britney Spears at 55.
    Today on Buzzfeed: 10 Pictures of Horse Meat That Look Like Christopher Walken!
    A mime having a stroke
    Cherry blossoms fall from suddenly numb hand
    A big hoopla about nothing
    The socialist governments of Scandinavia have declared that access to being a motherfucking sorcerer is a basic human right.
    Well if growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness is good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for me.
    If you have to describe Anialos using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be? Dog shows and RPGs
    Don't forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become "Extremely Tight Pants Friday."
    Corbius - 8 points
    What ended my last relationship? Fucking a corpse back to life
    Hi MTV! My name is Kendra, I live in Malibu, I'm into full frontal nudity, and I love to have a good time.
    For my next trick, I shall pull a passionate Latino lover out of the diminishing purity of the white race.
    A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with getting into a situation with an owlbear.
    Next time on Dr. Phil: How to talk to your child about socks.
    What's fun until it gets weird? The euphoric rush of strangling a drifter
    Like a million alligators: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for cuddling.
    How did I lose my virginity? An unforgettable quinceanera
    Kaplar - 4 points
    Having the worst day EVER. #A constant need for validation
    I drink to forget what remains of my penis.
    If God didn't want us to enjoy an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist, he wouldn't give us Mr. Clean, right behind you.
    Sean Penn will never be the same after tentacle porn.
    Elvenshae - 8 points
    It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from getting eaten alive by Guy Fieri.
    Hi, this is Jim from accounting. We noticed a $1,200 charge labeled "A balanced breakfast." Can you explain?
    What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion
    This month's Cosmo: "Spice up your sex life by bringing an overwhelming variety of cheeses into the bedroom."
    A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without Morgan Freeman's voice.
    What's the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate? Rudolph's bright red balls
    In his newest and most difficult stunt, David Blaine must escape from the basic suffering that pervades all existance.
    You'll never defeat me, Kaiba, I have the heart of Dick Cheney on my side!
    Dr. Flamingo - 10 points!
    You Won't Believe These 15 Hilarious Civilian Casualties Bloopers!
    What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard? The Force
    When you get right down to it, teaching a robot to love is just making a friend.
    Parting the Red Sea. High five, bro.
    After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa to the people of Haiti.
    I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm fucking up "Silent Night" in front of 300 parents.
    Disney presents: Wil Wheaton crashing an actual spaceship on ice!
    What really killed the dinosaurs? Moderate-to-severe joint pain
    The Japanese have developed a smaller, more efficient version of some sort of Asian.
    What are my parents hiding from me? Weapons-grade plutonium
    Anialos - 8 points
    And the Academy Award for western standards of beauty goes to Natalie Portman.
    She's up all night for good fun. I'm up all night for a reason not to commit suicide.
    Y'all ready to get this thing started? I'm Nick Cannon and this is America's Got Police Brutality.
    Puberty is a time of change. You might notice hair growing in new places. You might develop an interest in fucking the school counselor talking to you about puberty. This is normal.
    James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in the attic, he meets a magical new friend: Daddy's credit card.
    I went from passable transvestites to Lady Gaga all thanks to one trillion dollars.
    Listen, Gary, I like you. But if you want that corner office, you're going to have to show me Bringing to the table, Our capitalized reputation, Proactively overseeing, Day-to-day operations, and Services and deliverables.
    When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of Having a Strong Opinion About Obamacare.
    Iongantas 5 1/2 points
    I don't know exactly how I got the PAX plague, but I suspect it had something to do with Oxytocin release via manual stimulation of the nipples.
    What's my secret power? Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry
    "This is madness!" "No. THIS IS BULLSHIT!"
    Science will never explain the origin of science.
    I work my ass off all day for this family, and this is what I come home to? A PowerPoint presentation!?
    Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to liking big butts and not being able to lie about it.

    Round 7 results
    Discrider - 7 points
    Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without my big boy pants.
    In what's being hailed as a major breakthrough, scientists have synthesized three consecutive seconds of happiness in the lab.
    Hey there, Young Scientists! Put on your labcoats and strap on your safety goggles, because today we're learning about Viagra!
    My grandfather worked his way up from nothing. When he came to this country, all he had was the shoes on his feet and his manservant, Jeeves.
    Here's what you can expect for the new year. Out: The amount of gay I am. In: The moist, demanding chasm of his mouth.
    With enough time and pressure, Shaft will turn into an entire goddamn Avengers initiative.
    Alright, bros. Our frat house is condemned, and all the hot slampieces are over at Gamma Phi. The time has come to commence Operation Gay Aliens.
    NotoriusBEN - 2 point
    But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you fun and interesting facts about rocks.
    Everybody join hands and close your eyes. Do you sense that? That's the presence of the gays in this room.
    QuestionablySane - 6 points
    What's that sound? Vomiting mid-blowjob
    In Rome, there are whisperings that the Vatican has a secret room dedicated to children on leashes.
    Aw babe, your burps smell like a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido.
    If you can't handle Vietnam flashbacks, you'd better stay away from almost giving money to a homeless person.
    Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of American Jingoism, and I will not tolerate the peaceful and nonthreatening rise of China!
    WHOOO! Goddamn I love Lunchables!
    Cythraul - 3 1/2 points
    Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and crying into the pages of Sylvia Plath.
    Oprah's book of the month is "Liking big butts and not being able to lie about it For being blind and deaf and having no limbs: A Story of Hope."
    When I pooped, what came out of my butt? A buttload of candy
    During sex, I like to think about the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
    TheRoadVirus - 9 points
    Don't miss Rachel Ray's hit new show, Cooking with Vespene gas.
    Not with a bang but with a hopeless amount of spiders.
    In M Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that mom's new boyfriend had really been mom's old boyfriend, but this time dressed like a British nanny who was babysitting us all along.
    Do you lack energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is ennui? Zoloft.
    Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
    What don't you want to find in your Chinese food? Russian super-tuberculosis
    He who controls omnious background music controls the world.
    The passage of time. That's how I want to die.
    That's right, I killed my sex life. How, you ask? Waiting til marriage.
    Chamberlain - 6 points
    Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about poor life choices.
    TSA guidelines now prohibit anyone less white than Donald Trump on airplanes.
    What's a girl's best friend? Friction
    Heartwarming orphans: It's what's for dinner.
    What helps Obama unwind? Having the biggest, blackest dick
    I'm Miss Tennessee, and if I could make the world better by changing one thing, I would get rid of Western standards of beauty.
    LostNinja - 10 points!
    Up next on Nickelodeon: "Clarissa Explains Fisting."
    How did Stella get her groove back? Boris the Soviet Love Hammer
    Excuse me waiter. Could you take this back? This soup tastes like the hot dog I put in my vagina ten days ago.
    MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with an honest cop with nothing to lose.
    It's not delivery, It's a nuanced critique.
    What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed? Statistically validated stereotypes
    I'm Bobby Flay, and if you can't stand civilian casualties, get out of the kitchen!
    What am I giving up for Lent? Whatever you wish, mother
    Believe it or not, Jim Carrey can do a dead-on impression of Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king.
    Finally! A service that delivers a powered exoskeleton right to your door.

    Round 8 results
    Grunt's Ghosts - 8 points
    It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with elf cum.
    I don't mean to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of rectum wreaking.
    Behold the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! War, Famine, Death and Republicans.
    Now in bookstores: "The Audacity of The Black Half of Barack Obama," by Barack Obama.
    My gym teacher got fired for adding double penetration to the obstacle course.
    Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's cancer.
    You've seen the bearded lady! You've seen the ring of fire! Now, ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes upon a man being eaten by a bear.
    Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits jibber-jabber against nunchuck moves.
    Mi-go Hunter - 8 points
    Wake up America. Christmas is under attack by secular liberals and their science.
    During his childhood, Salvador Dail produced hundreds of paintings of some really fucked-up shit.
    We never did find vegetarian options, but along the way we sure learned a lot about cannibalism.
    This is America. If you don't work hard, you don't succeed. I don't care if you're black, white, purple or Blackula.
    You are not alone. Millions of Americans struggle with not giving a shit about the Third World every day.
    I feel like I'm going crazy! I finally tried taking off your shirt and riding off into the sunset at the same time!
    In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about being replaced by a robot.
    The six things I could never do without: oxygen, facebook, chocolate, netflix, friends and letting everyone down LOL!
    Kaplar - 4 points
    In the next installment of Star Wars, Luke relies on the Force while literally eating shit.
    What gets better with age? Passive-aggressive Post-it notes
    What's the next superhero/sidekick duo? My machete/Amputees
    Like not having sex, State Farm is there.
    Elvenshae - 5 points
    In the distant future, historians will agree that "Ladies and gentlemen, the President-Elect of the United States: Donald Trump" marked the beginning of America's decline.
    What's so important right now that you can't call your mother? Pistol-whipping a hostage
    In an attempt to recreate conditions just after the Big Bang, physicists at the LHC are observing collisions between an ass disaster and a salty surprise.
    Concealing a boner: Achievement unlocked.
    War! What is it good for? Exactly what you'd expect
    Dr. Flamingo - 10 points!
    After months of practice with pumping out a baby every nine months, I think I'm finally ready for the swim team, all at once.
    Dear Leader Kim Jong-un, our village praises your infinite wisdom with a humble offering of spectacular abs.
    White people like giving money and personal information to strangers on the Internet.
    During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into that thing that electrocutes your abs.
    What gives me uncontrollable gas? A belly full of hard-boiled eggs
    After blacking out during New Year's Eve, I was awoken by the miracle of childbirth.
    Roofies: good to the last drop.
    My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of child abuse and child support payments.
    The best part of waking up is flesh-eating bacteria in your cup.
    Anita Sarkeesian has declared that evolving a labyrinthine vagina is the most sexist thing men do.
    See317 - 6 points
    Oh, your daughter should meet my son! He gives to charity, he loves slowly easing down onto a cucumber and did I mention he's a doctor?
    Why am I broke? Edible underpants
    I am become an overwhelming variety of cheeses, destroyer of bowels, bowels and more bowels.
    Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
    Revealed: Why He Really Resigned! Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle With A Gender Identity That Can Only Be Conveyed Through Slam Poetry!
    GREETING HUMANS! I AM A FARTBOT. EXECUTING PROGRAM...
    Ketar - 9 points
    Tonight on 20/20: What you don't know about getting into a situation with an owlbear could kill you.
    Soon, I will fuse with a sweet spaceship and achieve my ultimate form!
    In the new DLC for Mass Effect, Shepard must save the galaxy from the Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
    But wait, there's more! If you order a shiny rock that proves I love you in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in African children absolutely free!
    What keeps me warm during the cold, cold winter? Piece of shit Christmas cards with no money in them
    In L.A. County Jail, word is you can trade 200 cigarettes for 10 incredible facts about the anus.
    Forget everything you know about a subscription to Men's Fitness, because now we've supercharged it with the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction!
    This season on Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls must survive in the depths of the Amazon with only anal beads and his wits.
    What does Dick Cheney prefer? The heart of a child

    Man in the Mists on
  • discriderdiscrider Registered User regular
    YES!

    Also winner judge because that seems to be fairer on people with no sense of humour.
    I expect that I have no sense of humour.

  • IongantasIongantas Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    I am having the readiness! I think winner judge would be ok to start with as well.

    Iongantas on
  • AnialosAnialos Collies are love, Collies are life! Shadowbrook ColliesRegistered User regular
    Reserve!

    Erin The Red
  • KaplarKaplar On Google MapsRegistered User regular
    Aw. Thought I did already, but Reserve!

  • Grunt's GhostsGrunt's Ghosts Registered User regular
    Shit, I'm not Reserved?

  • initiatefailureinitiatefailure Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    I almost completely forgot about this. I'm ready. I like winner judge just fine

    initiatefailure on
  • ExtreaminatusExtreaminatus Go forth and amplify, the Noise Marines are here!Registered User regular
    My body is ready.

  • Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    !Reserve me[/spoiler]

  • axman13axman13 Registered User regular
    I ain't Ric Flair, but I feel I have the right to say this:
    WOOOOO!
    Of course I'm in. And while I prefer rotating judge, if everyone else is cool with winner judge, I;m cool with it as well.
    I think it's been like, 8 months since I went on the reserve list XD I'm so excited

  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    Just have @Gizzy and @mi-go hunter‌ left, but in case we hear nothing from them would @Boozer and @Dr. Flamingo be ready to take their place?

  • Dr. FlamingoDr. Flamingo 49 Gilded Disc Perceives the Sun Registered User regular
    Ooh, I would.

  • BoozerBoozer Registered User regular
    Ready!

    Bobby 'Bulldog' Lenko - [PBP] [Vampire] The Restless City
    PSN: Boozer_777
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    And now we have a game!

    Round 1: Extreaminatus is judging

    But wait, there's more! If you order _______ in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in _______ absolutely free!

    Please PM your answers while Extreaminatus enjoys the last whiff of the new thread smell.

    Man in the Mists on
    Elvenshae
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    Ready!

    Switch Animal Crossing Friend Code: SW-5107-9276-1030
    Island Name: Felinefine
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    edited July 2014
    Uhhhhg I missed this by 1 hour ??

    I wish there was a separate notification for @-ing. :/

    Gizzy on
    Switch Animal Crossing Friend Code: SW-5107-9276-1030
    Island Name: Felinefine
  • discriderdiscrider Registered User regular
    That really sucks considering the lead time on these games :(

  • axman13axman13 Registered User regular
    May the first round leave a lasting impression

  • initiatefailureinitiatefailure Registered User regular
    Feeling pretty good about myself in the first round (by which I mean I'm an awful person)

  • Buddha73Buddha73 Registered User regular
    Reserve up!

  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    @Gizzy, if you'd like I can move you to the top of the reserve list since you at least replied, even though you were late.

    But wait, there's more! If you order Africa in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in dying of dysentery absolutely free! (Iongantas)
    But wait, there's more! If you order Rush Limbaugh's soft, shitty body in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in not having sex absolutely free! (Discrider)
    But wait, there's more! If you order women's suffrage in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-up Board Game absolutely free! (Initiatefailure) (*)
    But wait, there's more! If you order the invisible hand in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in the euphoric rush of strangling a drifter absolutely free! (Boozer)
    But wait, there's more! If you order clams in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in a bag of magic beans absolutely free! (Dr. Flamingo)
    But wait, there's more! If you order sexy Siamese twins in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in pixelated bukkake absolutely free! (Axman13)

    @Extreaminatus‌, why are all the phones ringing off the hook?

    Man in the Mists on
    Elvenshae
  • NotoriusBENNotoriusBEN Registered User regular
    reserve up
    see you guys in 2015 :D

    a4irovn5uqjp.png
    Steam - NotoriusBEN | Uplay - notoriusben | Xbox,Windows Live - ThatBEN
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    Yessss top of list please!

    Switch Animal Crossing Friend Code: SW-5107-9276-1030
    Island Name: Felinefine
  • ExtreaminatusExtreaminatus Go forth and amplify, the Noise Marines are here!Registered User regular
    But wait, there's more! If you order women's suffrage in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-up Board Game absolutely free!

    Because if it's one thing that women fought so hard for, it's a board game that reinforces gender stereotypes!

    Elvenshaeinitiatefailure
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    I thought including a vibrating victory scepter was going too far, but apparently Initiatefailure had a better idea where the line was.

    Round 2: Initiatefailure is judging

    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of _______?"

    Please PM your answers while Initiatefailure tries not to scream in terror at the ragefaces of the losing players

    initiatefailure
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    Uh oh, did @Boozer lose the videotape?

  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    Just in time, I was about to head out for a 4th of July celebration.

    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of the Fanta girls?" (Discrider)
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of the mere concept of Applebee's?" (Axman13)
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of authentic Mexican cuisine?" (Extreaminatus)
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying?" (Dr. Flamingo) (*)
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of queefing?" (Iongantas)
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of Toni Morrison's vagina?" (Boozer)

    @initiatefailure‌, what's scarier than an M-80 glued to your hand?

    Man in the Mists on
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    Apparently, the answer to "Are you afraid?" was a resounding yes.

    While we track down where Initiatefailure fled screaming, we'll hold an audience vote. Please vote in green for the scariest choice.

  • AuralynxAuralynx Darkness is a perspective Watching the ego workRegistered User regular
    The mere concept of Applebee's.

    kshu0oba7xnr.png

  • CorbiusCorbius Shepard Registered User regular
    The mere concept of Applebee's

    wrexsig1.jpg
    PSN: Corbius
  • MrTLiciousMrTLicious Registered User regular
    getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying

    Erin The Red
  • Grunt's GhostsGrunt's Ghosts Registered User regular
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying?"

    Erin The Red
  • LostNinjaLostNinja Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    Queefing

    LostNinja on
  • initiatefailureinitiatefailure Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    aww... i was hung up and over with the partying and the America!

    for the record, I'd vote getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying

    initiatefailure on
    ElvenshaeErin The Red
  • Buddha73Buddha73 Registered User regular
    edited July 2014
    Getting married, have kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida and dying.

    Buddha73 on
    Erin The Red
  • AnialosAnialos Collies are love, Collies are life! Shadowbrook ColliesRegistered User regular
    getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying

    Erin The Red
  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    Fanta girls

    Switch Animal Crossing Friend Code: SW-5107-9276-1030
    Island Name: Felinefine
  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks OaklandRegistered User regular
    Tonight on SNICK: "Are you afraid of getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying?"

    Erin The Red
  • Man in the MistsMan in the Mists Registered User regular
    That was a great Creeping Suburbia costume, Dr. Flamingo. But you may want to hide it before everybody's panic dies down and they decide to burn it.

    Round 3: Dr. Flamingo is judging

    _______. High five, bro.

    Please PM your answers while Dr. Flamingo prepares the video for the Scare of the Year highlight reel.

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