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How should I tell him?
cathy_S
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
When I was eighteen I lost my virginity to a man who didn't ask; he took. (It wasn't the typical screaming and bloody experience most people think about whenever this subject comes up.) He claimed it was an "accident" and because I was saving it for marriage he promised that we would get married and he would see it to the end. I, of course being the naive teenager I was, believed him. In the end, big surprise here, he dumped me on my birthday.
I have dealt with the terrible experience on my end, it being three years ago I've had some time to process what happened and learn from my mistakes. But, I have tried to talk to some friends about it, trying to get advice from those closest to me. Every single one of them either claim that I'm lying or that it wasn't what I claim it is at all.
My discussion is this:
I feel like I need to come clean with my dad. It's been three years since it happened and I want to have him understand what I am feeling. The problems I'm facing still, and I want to have his support.
Unfortunately, every time I mention something that can remotely be taken sexually, but not intended that way, he says, "I don't want to think about my baby girl doing that type of stuff." and he always avoid talking about the people he is seeing. Which makes it harder for me to gain the courage to talk to him about it. What should I do?
I have dealt with the terrible experience on my end, it being three years ago I've had some time to process what happened and learn from my mistakes. But, I have tried to talk to some friends about it, trying to get advice from those closest to me. Every single one of them either claim that I'm lying or that it wasn't what I claim it is at all.
My discussion is this:
I feel like I need to come clean with my dad. It's been three years since it happened and I want to have him understand what I am feeling. The problems I'm facing still, and I want to have his support.
Unfortunately, every time I mention something that can remotely be taken sexually, but not intended that way, he says, "I don't want to think about my baby girl doing that type of stuff." and he always avoid talking about the people he is seeing. Which makes it harder for me to gain the courage to talk to him about it. What should I do?
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With respect to your discussion, perhaps there is a delicate way to say, "Father, as a 21-year old, I am no longer a baby girl. I am a young woman, and need someone to talk with about the challenges of being a young adult. I would like for you, as my father, to be that someone. Can we please speak as adults? I really need someone to talk to."
The best way to get his understanding and support may be to honestly ask for it.
Super-sorry.
It may be hard for him to hear, and he may not like the thought of his baby girl actually being a woman, with very adult issues and pain, but hopefully he'd also understand that you are in pain, and need all the love and support you can get.
I cannot and likely will not ever know that sort of pain or humiliation, in terms of lying to others, being doubted when it is spoken of, or in terms of trying to broach the subject with such a difficult audience, but, if I had to, I think I'd pick a time to sit them down without distraction, and just ease into it. Express how much you cherish all he does for you, the strength you rely on, and that there's something intimate you need someone to talk to about, something painful you need further support on, which you're not getting elsewhere. He may not want to hear it, but hopefully knowing you need help may override the desire to keep thinking of you as his little girl.
If you're concerned that he'll just see it as a cry for attention or an effort to ruin someones life, as you get to the matter you may simply have to point out that you're not looking for either.
Similarly, I don't know what the world is from his perspective, but I like to think/hope that if a friend or future daughter sat me down to talk about this, that I'd hear her out and offer whatever support she wished for me to provide, even if it was just to be heard.
It was many years before anyone else in my life took me seriously at all; it wasn't until one therapist about 4 years ago, and I'd lived with some of it for nearly 4 years already and some of it for over a decade at that point. It's hard, and it sounds like you've been handling it better than I did at any point.
If you haven't, please see a therapist. My last relationship broke me in ways I couldn't even begin to understand before I spoke to one, and, not for lack of effort, I still have not managed to pick up all the pieces.
The support of family is important, but if you haven't already I urge you to speak to a professional. They may also be able to help you answer this question.
If you're not a student then there still are people you can talk to (who wouldn't even dream of calling you a liar) and can again help you work things out and prepare to tell your dad.
I know where you're coming from, I had some things happen when I was in my early teens and it took me years to figure out what happened and come to terms with it all myself. I still haven't told my parents, but part of me feel like its this huge secret I'm hanging on to.
It is hard as a parent accepting your children are grown up - mine are now 29 and 27, we've had to work hard at developing adult relationships together. Try talking to him, let him know you're an adult. He knows you are really, just doesn't want to accept it.
Work out what you want to say beforehand, write it down if that helps, then ask hi. For some time when you can talk to him as adults.
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Thank you Ceres for the advice as well. I have actually seen a psychologist and a family counselor but haven't received much help from them. I know I probably should instead see a psychiatrist but they cost a lot of money which I don't have.
Lewiep I will try the writing down method that seem like a good idea.
All of the ideas you all have given me a wonderful and I appreciate them. I've just had several scenarios going on in my head that seem to be giving me worries but all of you have been very supportive. Thank you!
If you are a college student, then you may want to check out your college's heath center. Some of them have psychiatrists available as part of the student health package.
At my university I can see my psychiatrist for less than $10 a visit. It's worth checking.
I can't speak for how you would tell him. I don't know the guy. Unfortunately that's up to you. Even if it takes him a while to deal with your "growing up" as you put it, it's better to have such a thing in the open. Concealing it will only fester your relationship with him over time.
So you really have to decide this is something you need to do, and get your father in that one-on-one situation where you can break down that wall where he just sees you as daddy's little girl. It will take a lot of will power to break down that wall...
I also agree with others, in that seeing a therapist would be a good option. If this is something that is weighing on you and you can't get your head around, then a therapist will help you get your head around it. Student's were privy to $10 therapist visits at my school as well, so you shoudl certainly look into that.
At my university, our FSU had students that got special assault response training (I took the training but never signed up to be a student volunteer at the center) and there were drop in hours everyday where you could go and talk to someone with that training. Totally free and completely confidential. Often times they acted as stepping stones to the therapist on campus.