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Did I deserve to lose all my friends?
spacemonkey17
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
First of all, I take FULL responsibility for my mistakes, and I know I brought this on myself and have no one to blame but myself. But were my friends right for what they did?
I was intoxicated on school property, and I got caught and suspended. And only two of my friends knew about my suspension. I know being intoxicated on school property sounds extremely dumb, and I'm aware of that, but at the time, I had my reasons. (Issues for anxiety and what not) But I felt extremely bad for what I did, I felt as if I let my parents and myself down. I felt so ashamed of myself and humiliated. When I got back to school, I noticed my 2 friends were being a little distant from me. And I later on found out that they told several people what happened. And I feel like real friends wouldn't do that. And I confronted them about it and told them I understood what I did was wrong, but as a friend, I thought they would be mature enough and respect MY privacy and MY business and not tell the whole school something I'm ashamed of. And after I confronted them they got extremely defensive and said that I was blaming them for my mistakes and that I owed THEM an apology. And I got so angry that I left, and we haven't talked since. And they do farrrr worse things than I do, (drugs, sex with guys twice their age, steal, sneak out of the house) and I never judged them or stopped being their friends because of it, because I know humans all make mistakes and do bad things. So we're my friends in the wrong?
I was intoxicated on school property, and I got caught and suspended. And only two of my friends knew about my suspension. I know being intoxicated on school property sounds extremely dumb, and I'm aware of that, but at the time, I had my reasons. (Issues for anxiety and what not) But I felt extremely bad for what I did, I felt as if I let my parents and myself down. I felt so ashamed of myself and humiliated. When I got back to school, I noticed my 2 friends were being a little distant from me. And I later on found out that they told several people what happened. And I feel like real friends wouldn't do that. And I confronted them about it and told them I understood what I did was wrong, but as a friend, I thought they would be mature enough and respect MY privacy and MY business and not tell the whole school something I'm ashamed of. And after I confronted them they got extremely defensive and said that I was blaming them for my mistakes and that I owed THEM an apology. And I got so angry that I left, and we haven't talked since. And they do farrrr worse things than I do, (drugs, sex with guys twice their age, steal, sneak out of the house) and I never judged them or stopped being their friends because of it, because I know humans all make mistakes and do bad things. So we're my friends in the wrong?
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No offense, but not expecting something like this to get around in high school is just completely unrealistic. It was going to get out. It's up to you to decide whether or not this "betrayal" is worth losing friends over, but really, I don't think this is worth it.
GED -> community college for cheap general education courses -> state university. Easy.
Here's the take away - be thankful for this incident occurring while you're young and that it's not severe at all. It's life giving you a warning. Just LEARN - stop drinking for a long time to be safe, or stop altogether.
That said, find better friends. Ones that don't drink or do drugs.
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
Double also, depending on the ages of your friends, you may consider reporting these "twice their age" guys to the police for statutory rape. I'm surprised the thread let this go unremarked. If his friends are 14-15, and their partners really are in their late 20s, we are talking about a real problem.
Personally, I think it wasn't particularly bad for your friends to tell people what happened, but it was wrong (and a bit goofy) for them to demand an apology from you. My opinion on the breakdown of Who Was Wrong has no effect on the world's turning. My other opinion: don't enact some petty revenge draped in "for their own good." Even if you are exiting a friendship because of a betrayal, betraying your friends and recent ex-friends would make you a bad friend, and right now you're in a raw mood that could lead to bad judgement about what's fair and what's right.
Take it easy- this sort of high-drama friendship blowup gets less common with time, but it always feels like crap and there's no cure for the feeling like crap.
Your question is, at this point, "how hard am I willing to work to maintain my friendships" or something similar. That's something only you can answer, really.
Also don't drink underage. It's stupid for lots of reasons, but mostly because it has a extremely high pattern of alcoholism later in life. There's really no rush when it comes to being a legal adult, lord knows you'll have 50-70 years to deal with that. You only get to be carefree in highschool for a couple of years. Enjoy them, and don't sweat small stuff like this.
While you probably feel really bad about this, it's not nearly as big a deal as you think. So you got to eat crow, big deal, you'll probably have to do it later in life too. Own up. Laugh or cringe about it, and then move on. Life's too short.
On the one hand: Yeah, it's good not to hold grudges. If you can let something go and move on with your life, you're a happier person in the end.
On the other hand: If someone is your friend and betrays your trust and/or treats you badly, then it's an important life skill to learn to evaluate if they are really your friend or not. If you tell them they hurt you somehow, and they respond by making it your fault, "ie I hurt you for your own good" or some other nonsense, well it's entirely possible that those people are toxic and you're better off without them. In high school this can be a really difficult thing to learn about people, because status feels so important at that time of life.
That said: Keep in mind that any time you confront someone and try to say they did wrong somehow, the automatic human response is to become defensive. It may even be a sign that they realized belatedly that they did a bad thing, and because they felt bad they reacted badly. If you are desirous of retaining their friendship, your best bet would be an attempt to discuss the issue in a neutral way. "Gossiping with the school about my personal issues hurt me. I don't understand why you would say I owe you an apology for my own life issues. Can we discuss it?" Then see what they say. If they try to dodge with things like, "Your life is messed up" "You need to get your shit together", etc., you should steer the conversation back on topic: "That's true, but can we get back to the issue we were discussing? Why did you talk about my personal business with other people?" Attempting to make the issue about you and your faults is another type of reaction you often see to these kinds of conversations, and the way to difuse that is simply aknowledge whatever fault they refer to and then steer them back to the discussion you want to have.
Of course, the drug and stealing makes me feel like these people aren't really worth having as friends.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
You're genuinely better off hanging out with nobody than with people like them. The only people with any right to come down on you for this mistake is your parents.
Ultimately, you're in charge of how you react to the situation and you've got far more knowledge of the wider context of your friendship. Perhaps they are crappy friends, perhaps they're good friends who handled the situation poorly or perhaps they were oblivious to deeper subtext relevant to you. No one here really has the experience of these people to judge and if they did, it would still be your call.
Everyone's different and that's what really makes personal relationships wonderful. I find a good friendship will weather most storms but it takes a bit of effort on both sides. If it were me, I would try to employ a little empathy, compassion and some self reflection and perhaps take a look back and decide whether these are indeed friends or not and go from there. If so, does it really matter who's right or wrong or who makes the first move?
I agree with the first part but the second part is jumping to conclusions. We don't know how old these people are. Just assuming they are freshmen seems a bit presumptuous.
I'm not angry at the fact that what I did got out. I'm angry that people who I thought were my FRIENDS made it get out. I understand that people in high school gossip, but they shouldn't be spreading things about their FRIENDS. If it had gotten out from someone who i didn't know, yea i'd be upset, but I wouldn't felt betrayed or anything like that. The fact that someone who I thought was my friend actually told a bunch of other people, (and also exaggerated a lot of things about me to others as well), kinda hurt.
Technically is an issue of their maturity. They were being immature "friends" who intentionally spread my private business around the school to make me look bad. Meanwhile, they do far worse things than I did. And on top of that, I've done so much for them. There was even one time when one of them had a pregnancy scare. No one was to blame except for the girl and her guy, but I still stuck by her side, I even offered to buy her a pregnancy test because I knew she must've been really stressed out. And I never told anybody, because i'm that kinda person who doesn't need to run their mouth to other people to make someone else look bad.
i also forgot to mention that the same girl (who i just recently explained had the pregnancy scare) actually drank from my bottle (that was completely her decision, i never offered any of it to her, she took it from my hands and had a sip.) but she passed the breathalyzer test, so she never got suspended. and she has the nerve to say she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore cause i'm a bad influence
that's funny
Me and the two other girls are all 16
This is all so typical teenage drama. You are just looking for people to go "Yeah! You are so right! Real friends stick together no matter what! Screw those guys!" Fix your life first - you are in danger of getting expelled - and then worry about who said the mean thing. Because getting expelled will matter in 30 years when you can't even remember the names of those people you were so mad at.
Please do not tell me what I'm looking for. You do not know me. I am simply explaining myself, which I have a right to do. So calm yourself
And I have fixed my life. I don't go criticizing people on message boards. I'm simply trying to puzzle everything up, and learn to make sure I pick the right friends next time, despite whether I get in trouble or not. I'm still a kid, and kids make mistakes. That's one of the points of being a teenager. So don't you dare tell me to fix my life, when you're the one trying to tell me what I'm looking for, when you are far from correct.
if i'm "looking for people to agree with me" then why in the hell would i take the time to write out the original post, and expose the bad mistake that I've made? i didn't make it one sided, i added in my faults, and theirs as well. So tell me how or why i'm trying to get people to say i'm the bad guy?
Asking for advice is essentially asking "Am I wrong?"
If you throw a fit when somebody dares to say "Yes" then you didn't want advice, you wanted empty praise. One of these makes you better, one will hurt you in the long run.
The biggest mark of maturity is understanding and evaluating when somebody gives you advice. Do you agree with the advice? Is there missing something that makes it not applicable? Were you wrong and don't want to admit it so you criticize the advice giver rather than the advice?
well said, i didn't mean to come off as rude. i appreciate all of your guy's advice. but i'm still growing, so i need to mature more. i understand now where y'all are coming from. thanks for explaining it like this
this is the internet..you can't accurately tell how someone is coming off. it sounds right now like you're coming down with a fit. but i could be wrong cause this is the internet and for all i know you could be a know it all. no one will know
so sus