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Possible that my recent ex is sleeping with a mutual friend, or is it all in my head?
The_Spaniard
It's never lupinesIrvine, CaliforniaRegistered User regular
It's never lupinesIrvine, CaliforniaRegistered User regular
This is not something I can talk about on Facebook or Twitter considering all the involved parties are on there, so I will ask here.
I've been dating this guy for just shy of five years, and we've been living together for a little over four of those. Then two weeks short of our fifth anniversary he tells me that he's just not feeling it anymore. It was a pretty devastating blow, compounded because I'd been planning on proposing for over a year. I felt like a prize fighter being asked to fight while tied to a chair. There was absolutely nothing that I could do, and that could be done. No talking about it or discussing it, no change or compromise, no working it out. It was never an option. He was done and that's all there is too it and no matter how hard I was willing to fight for it, it wouldn't change a thing. Didn't feel fair at all to me.
This was about two months ago, and I've just been painfully numb over it since it happened. It just hasn't felt real to me, and as such hasn't really hit me yet to take that pain to level 11. A dwindling part of me has just been hoping that we'll get back together. You see, two close mutual friends of ours went through the exact same situation. Years of dating, living together, broke up, moved out. Then six months later with time apart to think they realized how much they truly loved each other, got back together, and are now engaged, with their marriage taking place in two months. Seeing that within our own circle of friends I've been kind of holding out hope for something similar.
I can't afford to move out, so we've just become roommates at this point. It's a bit awkward at times, but we still maintain a fairly decent relationship. It's not an optimal situation, but there isn't much I can do about it until I get another job. In the mean time I'm just living off the savings we were going to use to buy a house before I lost my last job.
For years our group of friends has been doing a weekly pen and paper game on weekends. I've never participated, but I always went with my boyfriend, one to spend time with him, and two to be able to spend time with our friends. One of our friends came into an inheritance recently, and used it to buy a house. As such she has been hosting the group at her new home for the last few months. Around the time of our breakup, he told me that I shouldn't go with him to the game nights anymore because having someone there that isn't actually playing could serve as a distraction. I understood his point and relented, even though I still wanted to spend time with our friends.
For the last two weekends he's left on Saturday to go to her place, when the games are normally on Sunday. When asked why, he said he wanted to hang out, plan the gaming stuff in advance, and just have fun. Then crash out and be able to wake up and be ready for gaming without having to go anywhere the next day. Last weekend I started seeing tweets by our friends from Disneyland. When he got home I asked him about it, and he mentioned that one of our friends got an entire batch of free passes for our whole group of friends. When I asked why he didn't say anything to me, cause I was just sitting alone all weekend, he said that he simply didn't think of it. A couple nights ago he and the same game hosting friend went to the movies together while I was at a game industry function that I would be home late from. When I got home there was a bottle of lube randomly in the shower, and my towel not his was hanging over the curtain rod. He said that she just dropped him off at the door and didn't even come inside that night. I didn't ask about the lube and towel. Today he left a day early for gaming once again, once again saying he wanted to hang out, have fun, and plan gaming stuff in advance. An hour or two after he left the best friend of the hosting girl tweeted something along the lines of, "Oh great, I hear loud sex and make-out noises coming from the bedroom." To which hosting girl later replied, "Sorry... #NotSorry".
This is about the time when all the pieces started falling together in my mind and my heart got hit by a freight train of NOPE! Now, I'm not claiming rights or ownership of my ex, we are not together anymore, and it is not my privilege. I'm just wondering if I'm just too close to the situation and my grief and paranoia is making me see things, or if he very well may be being duplicitous and dishonest to me about something that may be going on between them. If this was what was going on and he just talked to me, it would still be painful, but I'd respect and be able to accept it. It wouldn't be as horrible as figuring it out on your own, compounded with the lies and sneaking around.
Thoughts? Is this possibly what's happening, or is my grief roasted mind just making way to many connections where they shouldn't be?
P.S. A little humor at my expense. After all this I decided to go read some webcomics to make myself feel better. I go on the PBF site and hit the random button, and this was the first result that I got.
http://pbfcomics.com/166/ Oh Goodie! Let me go find a rope. *clicks random button again* http://pbfcomics.com/27/ Second random result... You win this time PBF.
I've been dating this guy for just shy of five years, and we've been living together for a little over four of those. Then two weeks short of our fifth anniversary he tells me that he's just not feeling it anymore. It was a pretty devastating blow, compounded because I'd been planning on proposing for over a year. I felt like a prize fighter being asked to fight while tied to a chair. There was absolutely nothing that I could do, and that could be done. No talking about it or discussing it, no change or compromise, no working it out. It was never an option. He was done and that's all there is too it and no matter how hard I was willing to fight for it, it wouldn't change a thing. Didn't feel fair at all to me.
This was about two months ago, and I've just been painfully numb over it since it happened. It just hasn't felt real to me, and as such hasn't really hit me yet to take that pain to level 11. A dwindling part of me has just been hoping that we'll get back together. You see, two close mutual friends of ours went through the exact same situation. Years of dating, living together, broke up, moved out. Then six months later with time apart to think they realized how much they truly loved each other, got back together, and are now engaged, with their marriage taking place in two months. Seeing that within our own circle of friends I've been kind of holding out hope for something similar.
I can't afford to move out, so we've just become roommates at this point. It's a bit awkward at times, but we still maintain a fairly decent relationship. It's not an optimal situation, but there isn't much I can do about it until I get another job. In the mean time I'm just living off the savings we were going to use to buy a house before I lost my last job.
For years our group of friends has been doing a weekly pen and paper game on weekends. I've never participated, but I always went with my boyfriend, one to spend time with him, and two to be able to spend time with our friends. One of our friends came into an inheritance recently, and used it to buy a house. As such she has been hosting the group at her new home for the last few months. Around the time of our breakup, he told me that I shouldn't go with him to the game nights anymore because having someone there that isn't actually playing could serve as a distraction. I understood his point and relented, even though I still wanted to spend time with our friends.
For the last two weekends he's left on Saturday to go to her place, when the games are normally on Sunday. When asked why, he said he wanted to hang out, plan the gaming stuff in advance, and just have fun. Then crash out and be able to wake up and be ready for gaming without having to go anywhere the next day. Last weekend I started seeing tweets by our friends from Disneyland. When he got home I asked him about it, and he mentioned that one of our friends got an entire batch of free passes for our whole group of friends. When I asked why he didn't say anything to me, cause I was just sitting alone all weekend, he said that he simply didn't think of it. A couple nights ago he and the same game hosting friend went to the movies together while I was at a game industry function that I would be home late from. When I got home there was a bottle of lube randomly in the shower, and my towel not his was hanging over the curtain rod. He said that she just dropped him off at the door and didn't even come inside that night. I didn't ask about the lube and towel. Today he left a day early for gaming once again, once again saying he wanted to hang out, have fun, and plan gaming stuff in advance. An hour or two after he left the best friend of the hosting girl tweeted something along the lines of, "Oh great, I hear loud sex and make-out noises coming from the bedroom." To which hosting girl later replied, "Sorry... #NotSorry".
This is about the time when all the pieces started falling together in my mind and my heart got hit by a freight train of NOPE! Now, I'm not claiming rights or ownership of my ex, we are not together anymore, and it is not my privilege. I'm just wondering if I'm just too close to the situation and my grief and paranoia is making me see things, or if he very well may be being duplicitous and dishonest to me about something that may be going on between them. If this was what was going on and he just talked to me, it would still be painful, but I'd respect and be able to accept it. It wouldn't be as horrible as figuring it out on your own, compounded with the lies and sneaking around.
Thoughts? Is this possibly what's happening, or is my grief roasted mind just making way to many connections where they shouldn't be?
P.S. A little humor at my expense. After all this I decided to go read some webcomics to make myself feel better. I go on the PBF site and hit the random button, and this was the first result that I got.
http://pbfcomics.com/166/ Oh Goodie! Let me go find a rope. *clicks random button again* http://pbfcomics.com/27/ Second random result... You win this time PBF.
Playstation/Origin/GoG: Span_Wolf Xbox/uPlay/Bnet: SpanWolf Nintendo: Span_Wolf SW-7097-4917-9392 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/Span_Wolf/
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1. You are laying out the case of why you think they're sleeping together. Given that this is all the information we have, that's the most likely conclusion that we the readers are going to come to. That said, it does sound a lot like that's what's going on from your description. There could of course be alternative explanations but we are not privy to any information that would lead us there.
2. You say that he is being "duplicitous," but make no mention of the same for the mutual friend. Why do you think that is? If you guys weren't still living together, would this have come up as a thought process for you? Maybe it's your proximity or your past closeness, but you are certainly holding him to a higher standard than the friend.
3. You haven't asked him if they are (and I'm not sure that's an appropriate question to be asking but what is/isn't appropriate is completely relationship dependent and I don't have enough info on yours to judge). He isn't lying by saying he's going over there to "have fun" even if he is sleeping with your friend. That he would not want to share the details of his sexual activities with you is not unreasonable, mostly because of your history but also because sexual activity is a generally taboo conversation (at least in many regions of America, YMMV). If he doesn't want to discuss that with you, that's something you'll need to accept. It sucks that you potentially found out something that hurt you through your friend's twitter feed, but it's no one's obligation to tell you what's happening in their romantic life, least of all your ex's.
I know you know this already but in short you really need to get out of that living situation. It's only fueling your belief that you guys are going to get back together, and though you have an anecdote that it's happened, it really isn't likely. Even if it might happen, your doting on it is not going to bring it about. If there is any other friend/family that you'd be willing to live with (and willing to host you) while you find your next job, you should head over there. The sooner the better.
If your dream for the relationship to get back together is to be realized, you really must create actual physical separation by not living together. This has the added bonus of not having to put yourself through knowing or even just wondering about the goings on of the possible love life of your ex.
Find a separate friend to couch surf in the mean time so you don't go crazy and hopefully you can maintain all your friendships as they are.
Best of luck!
I assume you loved this guy because he treated you with some amount of respect and kindness, and as much as it sucks and hurts to be rejected (and then have a fucking front row seat to him moving on with his life!), it sounds like he is still making an effort to be kind about this while he knows you're trying to navigate a breakup that he is already over and done with. I would just collect the parts of your dignity that have remained intact as he's tried to tip-toe around them, and move on as quickly as possible.
It sounds like this living situation has unfortunately prolonged the saddest part of the breakup, which is the part right before you come to your senses and suddenly realize, "wait a second! ...fuck this!" But at least now you pretty much have a concrete foundation of "nope" that you can use as a launching point into a new life, post-this guy. I think you probably now understand that the "maybe this is just a break" wishful thinking is over, and that you need to be proactively constructing a new life for yourself.
I assume you aren't dragging your feet about moving out, but if you were at all, now is the time to stop that and put all of the piney, daydreamy, useless breakup energy into setting-up-my-new-life energy. Do you have family or friends that might be able to host you for low- or no-rent in the interim? I assume you are busting ass looking for a job, so just keep doing that and making real concrete plans about what you want your life to look like after you move out.
Also, was this friend group your main group of friends? Have you been actively contacting these people to make plans outside of the game night? Do you even still want to be friends with these people? If not (or even if so), you might want to start tracking down some meetup.com groups or something, to try and build a new social circle. Even if you make the effort to stay friends with your old group, I think there is huge value in adding new friends who don't have the implicit baggage of being mutual friends with your ex.
Anyway, that's super shitty and you have my condolences, but mostly you have my hope that you will be able to leverage this into building a very awesome new life.
Also, I'm not sure how relevant it is, but I thought it was pretty timely that I read your post a day after reading this. After reading so many people's experiences living with their ex after a breakup, I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't The Problem Of Our Age.