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Meeting a guy from the internet
Bulma
CaliforniaRegistered User regular
CaliforniaRegistered User regular
Hello I was just wanting advice for a guy I met on the internet. About 2 years ago I meet a guy on a cam chat site. He's pretty charming, intelligent, we also have a lot in common and from what I can tell he seems honest. We'll call him mamoru 
. Well eventually he said he'd liked me and well, I like him too. He said he was interested in a relationship with me but only if we met in real life first, however he lives all the way across the country, not only that but also he said we would need at least a week to know if it really was working. I would like to stay a week at his town of residence but I have a job and my rent to pay back home. I work for a wage so it's not like I can miss a week of work an still pay for my living expenses, my first option would be to wait like another 2 years for all my paid time off to stack up since I just cashed what I had saved not too long ago (before mamoru asked me to meet him). Anyways idk that he'll wait two years since he made it clear he wants to meet really soon. Another option would be a second job but since school is starting already, l I would like to concentrate on that so I don't have to work at a wage job anymore. My only other internet dating experience involved a guy that played like 10 other girls at the same time, other than that all the people I dated were local people that I knew what they were about already, however I imagine there might be sincere guys on the internet.
Oh one minor detail, he's 12 years my senior and I don't know if that's an issue or anything, I think it's kind of attractive in a way. I mean beside the fact I was 6 when he turned 18, but I'm in my mid 20's now.
So what I'm asking is have you had any experience with meeting people on the internet? If so would you say it was a positive one? Is there a chance this guy wants to dismember me in a bath tub?
Sorry about the fairly lengthy post, and thank you in advanced for your feedback!
. Well eventually he said he'd liked me and well, I like him too. He said he was interested in a relationship with me but only if we met in real life first, however he lives all the way across the country, not only that but also he said we would need at least a week to know if it really was working. I would like to stay a week at his town of residence but I have a job and my rent to pay back home. I work for a wage so it's not like I can miss a week of work an still pay for my living expenses, my first option would be to wait like another 2 years for all my paid time off to stack up since I just cashed what I had saved not too long ago (before mamoru asked me to meet him). Anyways idk that he'll wait two years since he made it clear he wants to meet really soon. Another option would be a second job but since school is starting already, l I would like to concentrate on that so I don't have to work at a wage job anymore. My only other internet dating experience involved a guy that played like 10 other girls at the same time, other than that all the people I dated were local people that I knew what they were about already, however I imagine there might be sincere guys on the internet.Oh one minor detail, he's 12 years my senior and I don't know if that's an issue or anything, I think it's kind of attractive in a way. I mean beside the fact I was 6 when he turned 18, but I'm in my mid 20's now.
So what I'm asking is have you had any experience with meeting people on the internet? If so would you say it was a positive one? Is there a chance this guy wants to dismember me in a bath tub?
Sorry about the fairly lengthy post, and thank you in advanced for your feedback!
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Edit: He also offered to let me stay at his place in a separate room if I wanted to.
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For the question you actually asked, I've met several people off of the internet. Most have been positive, though maybe awkward experiences. The worst I've had was a girl that led me on so that I'd drive three hours to Seattle to play chauffeur for her and her bff. I still got to hang in Seattle with two pretty girls, so no big loss.
There is always the chance that anyone you meet is going to be a psycho no matter how you meet them. Short of never dating, the best you can do is meet in public, trust your gut, and document your whereabouts. Don't leave with them until you're comfortable, and make sure someone knows where you'll be. You're both making a big investment if you go see him, but don't feel that that creates any sort of obligation on your part.
Free trip cross country to spend time with a nice person? I'd go. But be careful.
If your finances are in a place where you risk eviction for missing a week of work, you cannot afford to miss that week of work.
Maybe if a close relative was in the hospital, or some other crisis or emergency popped up, but to meet up with a guy you met on the internet? Priorities should probably place "Having a roof over my head" above "Meet a guy from the internet for a week".
My personal recommendation would be to tell Mamoru that you can't afford to take the time off work at the moment. Then start saving every bit of cash you can spare, cut unnecessary expenses wherever you can, for the next 6 or 7 months or so until you've got enough of a savings buffer that you can take a week of unpaid vacation without worrying about rent (also lets you go to school until a scheduled break so your not missing classes). If Mamoru waits for you, you'll have a better time there because you won't have that rent check hanging over your head. If he doesn't wait, than you've got the money you've saved and you've seen a side of Mamoru that you may not have seen otherwise.
No thank you for your input. I need to hear stuff like this too, and when you put it that way, I sound pretty dumb about the whole thing. I knew I was probably not thinking straight and wanted to verify that with some advice.
Thanks madpoet-sama!
I'll probably combine your advice and go and enjoy the trip but later, and I'll make sure I have a find me app for my family and check in regularly.
I'm not exactly sure, I imagine it has to do with his job as well? I mean he does have more of a "profession" than I do that's a good question.
Thank you to everybody else too, I really do appreciate the feedback.
If he's especially eager to meet you he can pay to fly out to you. But honestly something like this is tricky. While you've probably gotten along with each very well online there's no way of knowing whether or not you'll get along for more than a day or two in person.
And if and when either of you do visit, especially because it's the first time you're meeting, make sure someone else knows what's going on and is in regular contact with you.
I'm really curious why the discussion of meeting has gone towards you going out to see him instead of the other way around. Are there any reasons why he can't take the time off on his end to fly out himself, rather than pay you to fly in? Also, what really sets off some warning signs for me is that you aren't meeting somewhere neutral, like a place in the middle or even just his nearest "big city". Ideally you'd want somewhere to go that you could still have a vacation in even though "the relationship" doesn't work out. This way you aren't screwing yourself out of a significant time/money investment should you show up and find out he has been misrepresenting himself the whole time and you are literally stuck in Harlan County, Kentucky with nowhere to go, no way to get out, and nothing to do.
I don't bring these things up because they are likely - I strongly doubt he's a serial killer stalker and is going to imprison you in his basement or something - I bring them up because those are the kinds of precautions that most reasonable people would take when doing something like this. It's the same thinking behind meeting someone in a coffee shop instead of, say, their home (or worse, your home). The chances are small, but taking on that level of risk is just unreasonable. (By the way, ideally, you would have some sort of "meet up" at first anyway, such as a dinner date. You want to have some sort of "out" should things clearly and immediately not work out, and that is best done on a limited time frame and on neutral ground.)
Do not stay at his place. Period. Stay at a hotel. Again, although the chances are incredibly small, you do not want to put yourself in a situation where he ends up being crazy and you are now stuck in his place and he's physically restraining you or something even worse. What is probably more likely is that: you will feel a level of obligation to him because he has paid for your plane ticket and you are staying in his home, it is the place where he will be most comfortable while you are completely out of your element, and most importantly you will feel dependent upon him as well. It would be wonderful if everyone had the level of self-assurance not to fall prey to those kinds of circumstances and say, sleep with someone they really don't want to or "go along" with certain behaviors that they normally wouldn't feel comfortable doing. But the reality is that most of us are human, and those are very human instincts, and the first step in protecting yourself against your own limitations is by not putting yourself in bad situations in the first place.
And lastly, I'm going to echo @see317 and say that if you really can't afford to miss work, then you shouldn't be taking the time off.
P.S. - OK, so re-reading this it sounds like some sort of war manifesto or something, "neutral ground" blah blah. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I know plenty of folks who met on the internet who have wonderful relationships (and kids besides), but there's no reason why you should walk into this unprepared or with rose-tinted glasses just because you want it to work out. If it's going to work out, being a reasonable, cautious person at first is not going to prevent a relationship from happening.
Well it's not like he's directly pushing me but he kind of drops hints all the time about how I should visit soon. It seems like it's a pretty big red flag that he won't visit himself at least for the first time meeting the bloke.
It would be completely unreasonable of me to ask for your advice and not take it, specially when all the thread is clearly agreeing that with my current situation (not even mentioning how much I know the guy) that I'd only be screwing my self over. Thanks for your input, I appreciate everyone's honesty and taking the time out to help me.
You only know this guy from the cam sessions you've had on the internet- for all you know, he could be putting on a front for you.
You've got to make sure your things and your problems are taken care of before you worry about anyone else. If the thought of you losing your job and not having a way to pay your bills is not enough to make Mamoru change his mind, well, it's obvious that he doesn't respect your situation.
The fact that he has the money to get you out to his neck of the woods, but doesn't want to come visit you... yeah, that's questionable. Why not ask him why he can't come out to see you? If the answer is work, well, maybe it's just not a good time for either of you to make the trip.
The whole staying-at-his-house thing? Huge red flag. If you're meeting someone for the first time, you stay at a place where they have cameras to record you coming and going, and the records of you staying there. You don't just stay at someone's house just because they offer- you keep all meetings with them in public, with witnesses.
Honestly, it just reads like he's setting up everything for his benefit and not yours- I'd stay away, honestly.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
Work through whatever intimacy issues you have and go meet a real human being. Depending where you are in CA okcupid is probably your best bet.
Just know that it can go either way, and be as safe and careful as you can if you decide you want to go, and seriously consider your finances.
Also, re: "It would be completely unreasonable of me to ask for your advice and not take it"... that's not really how advice works. Advice is for taking under advisement and giving serious thought, not simply taking because you've solicited it and therefore are somehow obligated. Between that and the thought processes represented in your OP, you seem somewhat impressionable... in a bad way. In the kind of way that I'm impressionable. If that's the case it's not the world's biggest deal, but it's definitely something to be aware of and a reason to make sure you're extra cautious when you meet someone new.
No matter what the situation is however, you need to be safe. Always make sure someone you trust knows where you are, and there is an expectation that you will call someone within a reasonable amount of time to let them know you are safe, and that you will check in at least once a day for a few days, if not the entire time. He should be comfortable giving you his address, personal number, workplace, etc to give to someone you trust. That way if something does go wrong, it's not a big mystery.
You should also not feel pressured to go. He may be dropping hints, and both of you may want to meet. But don't force it earlier than either of you can afford. If you can work 6 months as a comfortable time frame, then plan around that. Ask why he can't come out there, and if it's a decent answer, there may be a time frame you can work around there as well.
Also, as inquisitor77 put, and I agree with 10000% "the first step in protecting yourself against your own limitations is by not putting yourself in bad situations in the first place."
Don't do ANYTHING you are not 100%, or damn close enough to be 100% comfortable with doing. If you don't want to go... don't go. If he actually cares for you he's not going to throw a fit. If you absolutely want to meet, but want the circumstances to be different, then stand firm and come to an agreement. Either he's willing to discuss it and you two can certainly be good to go, or he won't and you will know where you stand.
Just put out there what you are comfortable with in terms of who travels/stays where, timing, and anything else. The two of you should be able to discuss that and come to an agreement that works for both of you. If not, then maybe it was just not meant to happen.
You might not be built that way but it's not the case for everyone else. Plenty of people can work with long distance relationships. Unfortunately for the OP this one will just remain long distance for a while longer.
For you, you seem less sure about him than I was, so I'd recommend that HE visits YOU, and he stays in a hotel. That way you can all back out if it goes wrong. Since he's an older guy with a real career, he should be able to do that. If he can't - red flag!
If you do go to see him, make sure your parents have his name, address, and photograph and are expecting a call from you every day (and follow up on this otherwise they will go crazy!)
But, I will admit that you don't sound as sure about this as I was at the beginning. I travelled because time off was easier to get from work, and I was in a more stable place financially. I would push for him to visit you if possible, or for you to stay somewhere away from his house. I almost visited different people from the internet a number of times, but my gut feeling never felt quite right. Unless you're absolutely sure and comfortable with this, I wouldn't go through with it, because there's always the worry of getting stuck somewhere without a support net around you.
Edit: Well I turns out now Mamoru doesn't even want to talk to me on the phone anymore, just email and maybe it's just me but that seems kind of odd. So I'm really not sure about this "thing" now. Depressing, but oh well, c'est la vie. To the people that replied I really appreciate your help. Thank you.
It's not just you. Trust your instincts, your have lived 20 some odd years of your life in social situations to learn how to assess and avoid dangerous situations.
For all we all know, he may just be socially awkward and had his feelings hurt, but between you and me and everyone else in this thread, his hurt feelings are way less important than yours, and are both way less important than your being physically hurt or dead.
He'll get over it, and if he really truly wants to meet you, he'll figure it out himself.
Keep on being you. And if it makes you feel any better, you don't have to resort to the internet to find people that think you're great. I've been down that road too.
that is a huge red flag if that change in heart came from you not immediately coming out to see him. regardless, a weekend visit seems WAY more appropriate than spending an entire week with a dude you haven't met in person yet. like people have said, it might work out great, it might be a disaster. personally, i wouldn't want to get there and realize on day 1 that it's a disaster, and be stuck there for 6 more days. plus, you can schedule around that as an hourly person (i'm assuming that's why you don't have vacation?) pretty easily.
Doing long distance with somebody you were dating in real life for a substantial period of time is a lot different than trying to obtain emotional "intimacy" through the internet and occasionally meeting in person. Hence, my prospective advice of meeting people in her own city.
That's exactly how I met my fiance and how we're working things right now. "Just doesn't work" and "we're not built that way" are very subjective.
However, if he is not willing to come meet you... 12 years older should let him have a bit more wiggle room in his finances.