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Melding Presents: How to Kill Some Monsters

MeldingMelding Registered User regular
edited August 2014 in Social Entropy++
mrelogo3.png

Many of us everyday come face to face with the unexplained, be it ghosts, goblins, zombies, dragons, or giants. However, not everyoen knows everyone knows how to deal with this happenings. Well, No More!

Int his thread we will be discussing monsters, strange creatures, their disposal, and their habitats.

Got a question? Want to hear about a specific creature? Do i keep using liar instead of lair? let's discuss it!

First up

The Hag

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Hags are a moderately powerful fey creature, reminiscent of elderly human women with powerful shape shifting abilities and magic. Confused with witches Hags are actually alien beings who feast on human flesh, the younger the better. Despite a frail looking frame they are remarkably durable and infused with magic making them deadly foes to an unsuspecting monster slayer. Typical enviroments include swamps, dense forests, and most other place far away from civilization where people are prone to getting lost, and have a source of water.

The typical Hag ploy is to lure in young humans into their lair, with a mix of illusions, lies, physical roughness. Traps might include houses made of candy, free food, well kept parks, basically anything that to a wiser person would seem out of place but seem too good to be true. Once lured, Hag subdues their prey and then depending on the individual either kills them immediately or forces them into labour until they are more ripe for eating. After that, the details become grizzly and not worth explaining further.

When hunting a Hag it's important to remember that as a fey magic user they can be making nay of your senses lie to you. remembering meditations to see through illusions and hypnosis is important. If you aren't trained in that, remember that touch is the hardest basic sense to fool, so even when it might be gross, make sure to use touch to confirm something it real. Hags are very intelligent, even by fey standards, and will do just about anything to get you off their trail, a favoured tactic is to disguise themselves as a young beautiful woman to either lure you into a trap, or simply lead you astray until you are so confused you're no longer a threat. As fey they are more easily harmed by iron, and this can be used to test any woman you might find in your quest to destroy the hag as they will often express discomfort when touched by iron.

When forced into combat with a Hag it is important to remember they are both fey and a magic user, tactics that work against either work here. Iron weapons, disorientation, and wounds to appendages can weaken them to a point where they are easily slain. That is not to say they are an easy foe, as you're likely not actually fighting the real hag, and even if you are they are expects at faking their death. Always remember to decapitate a defeated Hag, if they were faking their death, well, they're dead now and if it was a fake it will disappear letting you know your job is not over just yet.

Keep this in mind while hunting down your next Hag, and you should be in the clear. Happy Hunting.

D. Melding, Head Of Community Outreach and Readiness, MRE

Next up: Probably the Gnoll. I don't think i've done that yet.

Melding on
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    UnbrokenEvaUnbrokenEva HIGH ON THE WIRE BUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered User regular
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    NeoTomaNeoToma Registered User regular
    it's bACK!

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    Virgil_Leads_YouVirgil_Leads_You Proud Father House GardenerRegistered User regular
    Are there boy hags?

    VayBJ4e.png
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    ArtreusArtreus I'm a wizard And that looks fucked upRegistered User regular
    Dear Giant Bomb thread, I just found a box of nothing but lucky charms marshmallows on amazon

    I think I might get it

    http://atlanticus.tumblr.com/ PSN: Atlanticus 3DS: 1590-4692-3954 Steam: Artreus
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Are there boy hags?

    Research suggests that Hags are entirely female. We have not yet found with what, if anything, they reproduce with. It is possible they convert some of the girls they kidnap, or they could mate with a male fey and the female offspring is a hag.

    They fey are strange, and not entirely bound to how our reality works.

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    HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    Dr. Melding,

    I've recently moved and found out that the basement has a lot of medusas in it by a series of strange accidents, is it best to leave a Medusa Party alone? They're smart enough to, like, talk to and reason with?

    Yours,
    Why'd It Have to Be Snakes In Detroit

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    Virgil_Leads_YouVirgil_Leads_You Proud Father House GardenerRegistered User regular
    Have MRE or other agencies introduced hags to deal with humanoid female monster populations?

    VayBJ4e.png
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    Brovid HasselsmofBrovid Hasselsmof [Growling historic on the fury road] Registered User regular
    Dear Dr. Melding

    Can you give any advice on dealing with dinosaur hunters? They are a nuisance and hinder my stomping. I have tried eating them but I am worried about what it's doing to my cholesterol.

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    Bluedude152Bluedude152 Registered User regular
    How do I kill a gnome that can turn into a goat, a different kind of goat, and a bear

    p0a2ody6sqnt.jpg
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    robotbeerobotbee Drop any other moon on his face -Jupiter has so many it won't even careRegistered User regular
    Dear Dr. Melding,

    How does a bee like me find love? My shiny body drives other bees away instead of bringing them closer. If there is a bright spot, at least it doesn't hurt when the other bees throw rocks at me for being 'different'.

    Whom the fly chicks tagged Lenore, nameless here forevermore.
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Huntera wrote: »
    Dr. Melding,

    I've recently moved and found out that the basement has a lot of medusas in it by a series of strange accidents, is it best to leave a Medusa Party alone? They're smart enough to, like, talk to and reason with?

    Yours,
    Why'd It Have to Be Snakes In Detroit

    Dear Snakes,

    Believe the proper term is gorgons, but either way yes they are when compared to humans as intelligent. Though a bit violent and have no hard feelings about using their glare to turn people into stone. Getting them to leave might not be the easiest thing, and if necessary remember to wear mirrored glasses or a large shiny shield, to turn their attacks against them.
    Have MRE or other agencies introduced hags to deal with humanoid female monster populations?

    That never works for non monsters, why would it work for monsters? likely we'd just get a case of them working together or attempting to use guile to trick people into killing the other but ultimately thwarting each other's plans, sorta like Spy vs Spy.
    Dear Dr. Melding

    Can you give any advice on dealing with dinosaur hunters? They are a nuisance and hinder my stomping. I have tried eating them but I am worried about what it's doing to my cholesterol.

    Typically speaking we don't advise people on how to deal with humans. Even dangerous spell casters our general advice is "Try Murder" or "Shoot them in the face." What might work is getting the local nature society to acknowledge your existence and put you on protected status, so then the state is also helping to prevent attacks on your person.

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    DirtyDirtyVagrantDirtyDirtyVagrant Registered User regular
    edited August 2014
    Dear Melding

    Can you recommend any professionals for removal of a hecatonchires infestation

    DirtyDirtyVagrant on
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    I needed anime to post.I needed anime to post. boom Registered User regular
    can i carve the hag's bones into armour

    liEt3nH.png
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    How do I kill a gnome that can turn into a goat, a different kind of goat, and a bear

    Gnomes are fey creatures, even when assuming different forms so the best course of action is to blast one with an iron bullet. Probably best before it takes the shape of a different animal, as to do the most bodily harm.
    robotbee wrote: »
    Dear Dr. Melding,

    How does a bee like me find love? My shiny body drives other bees away instead of bringing them closer. If there is a bright spot, at least it doesn't hurt when the other bees throw rocks at me for being 'different'.

    Sadly I am neither an expert on love or bees. Best advice i got at th emoment is keep trying and eventually you might succeed.
    Dear Melding

    Can you recommend any professionals for removal a hecatonchires infestation

    I am troubled how one can have an infestation of giants. That, seems like it should be getting more attention. Are you sure you aren't mistaking another creature for a hecatonchire?

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    Bluedude152Bluedude152 Registered User regular
    Melding wrote: »
    How do I kill a gnome that can turn into a goat, a different kind of goat, and a bear

    Gnomes are fey creatures, even when assuming different forms so the best course of action is to blast one with an iron bullet. Probably best before it takes the shape of a different animal, as to do the most bodily harm.

    @Speed Racer

    p0a2ody6sqnt.jpg
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    curly haired boycurly haired boy Your Friendly Neighborhood Torgue Dealer Registered User regular
    this thread is pretty badass.

    question: should i cross the streams?

    RxI0N.png
    Registered just for the Mass Effect threads | Steam: click ^^^ | Origin: curlyhairedboy
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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    can i carve the hag's bones into armour

    you certainly can but that seems, rather, grizzly considering how much like human bones they would look like. People will keep thinking you're wearing human bones and you'll have to be like "No no, they're the bones of a magic fey person." And that's how you end up in a psych ward for 15 years.
    this thread is pretty badass.

    question: should i cross the streams?

    No. Not ever.

    Except for video streams.

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    DirtyDirtyVagrantDirtyDirtyVagrant Registered User regular
    They are huge and they have attack bonuses of over 70 and they have lots of heads and arms so it'd be hard to mistake them

    I dunno how it happened though

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    Librarian's ghostLibrarian's ghost Librarian, Ghostbuster, and TimSpork Registered User regular
    I just want to throw my expertise out there.

    Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
    Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
    Have you or your family ever seen a spook, specter or ghost?
    If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals...

    Ghostbusters.

    Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.

    We’re ready to believe you.

    (Switch Friend Code) SW-4910-9735-6014(PSN) timspork (Steam) timspork (XBox) Timspork


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    HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    All I can say to be an expert on are Ogre Magi

    that's my specialty

    is single monster expertise enough to apply for an MRE position???

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    Bluedude152Bluedude152 Registered User regular
    Now say I am a crabman

    About 7 feet tall, composed of a skeleton, a bunch of little crabs acting as muscles, and various giant crab stitched together to make my carparace

    Approximately how long must I leave a kobold in my chest cavity to properly enhance the flavor

    p0a2ody6sqnt.jpg
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    DirtyDirtyVagrantDirtyDirtyVagrant Registered User regular
    I am personally an expert on atropals.

    In D&D 3.5 they were the reason why I started playing a sorcerer. I never looked back.

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    MarathonMarathon Registered User regular
    Dear Dr.

    Do Gnomes really puke rainbows?

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    They are huge and they have attack bonuses of over 70 and they have lots of heads and arms so it'd be hard to mistake them

    I dunno how it happened though

    Well, I would recommend calling your local giant hunter. They will likely have an ad in your local public library. failing that, ask your librarian for the number of the local MRE branch and they will hopefully send someone over to deal with the matter.
    Huntera wrote: »
    All I can say to be an expert on are Ogre Magi

    that's my specialty

    is single monster expertise enough to apply for an MRE position???

    We tend to hire from freelancers we have built a relationship with. Start taking out them ogre magis making a name for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Now say I am a crabman

    About 7 feet tall, composed of a skeleton, a bunch of little crabs acting as muscles, and various giant crab stitched together to make my carparace

    Approximately how long must I leave a kobold in my chest cavity to properly enhance the flavor

    This is getting oddly specific, please stay on the line a representative will be with you shortly. Please do not leave your location, please do not hang up.
    Marathon wrote: »
    Dear Dr.

    Do Gnomes really puke rainbows?

    Gnomes are super gross, so probably.

    They puke a whole buncha stuff.

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    Bluedude152Bluedude152 Registered User regular
    The kobold has rotted and now there are people poking me the crab with sticks am I allowed to retaliate

    p0a2ody6sqnt.jpg
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    HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    What is the proper nomenclature for a female lich? Is it Lichess? or is Lich a gender neutral pronoun?

    asking for a friend

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    Speed RacerSpeed Racer Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratchRegistered User regular
    Dear Dr. Melding

    Have you considered offering an alternative advice column on how to date monsters instead of how to kill them

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Huntera wrote: »
    What is the proper nomenclature for a female lich? Is it Lichess? or is Lich a gender neutral pronoun?

    asking for a friend

    lich far as i know isn't tied to any gender. Plus Lichess sounds kinda silly. Lichet how something though.

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Dear Dr. Melding

    Have you considered offering an alternative advice column on how to date monsters instead of how to kill them

    This would require me to know anything about dating. Which I don't. At all.

    ever.

    Also, that'd be super gross. you realize most monsters are just like souped up animals right?

    do you want a guide on how to date a dog? I think that's illegal.

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    Librarian's ghostLibrarian's ghost Librarian, Ghostbuster, and TimSpork Registered User regular
    Mr. Melding,

    My team is currently dealing with a class VI chaotic daemon with energy rejuvenating powers. Our traps are useless against a non-spirit based power form and we are forced to use our positron beams to disperse the creature.

    To what power level should we set our Proton Packs?

    Time is slightly of the essence as our insurance rates only cover the first $50,000 in damages.

    (Switch Friend Code) SW-4910-9735-6014(PSN) timspork (Steam) timspork (XBox) Timspork


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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Mrs. Melding,

    My team is currently dealing with a class VI chaotic daemon with energy rejuvenating powers. Our traps are useless against a non-spirit based power form and we are forced to use our positron beams to disperse the creature.

    To what power level should we set our Proton Packs?

    Time is slightly of the essence as our insurance rates only cover the first $50,000 in damages.

    Sadly I am not up to date on protonic devices for removing entities, as i tend to focus on more magic based devices. It being a class six however, i would recommend just juicing the sucker until you can hold it. Then instead of attempting to dissipate it have the team member best versed in the occult make a simple binding circle with a leather bound book in the circle and once it is completed use your capture streams to force it into the book. That should contain it long enough to do some proper research, and act as a neat party trick.

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    MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    Which monster will get me the most renown?

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    HunteraHuntera Rude Boy Registered User regular
    which monster head, in your opinion, would make the best looking trophy to mount above a fireplace?

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    Librarian's ghostLibrarian's ghost Librarian, Ghostbuster, and TimSpork Registered User regular
    Melding wrote: »
    Mrs. Melding,

    My team is currently dealing with a class VI chaotic daemon with energy rejuvenating powers. Our traps are useless against a non-spirit based power form and we are forced to use our positron beams to disperse the creature.

    To what power level should we set our Proton Packs?

    Time is slightly of the essence as our insurance rates only cover the first $50,000 in damages.

    Sadly I am not up to date on protonic devices for removing entities, as i tend to focus on more magic based devices. It being a class six however, i would recommend just juicing the sucker until you can hold it. Then instead of attempting to dissipate it have the team member best versed in the occult make a simple binding circle with a leather bound book in the circle and once it is completed use your capture streams to force it into the book. That should contain it long enough to do some proper research, and act as a neat party trick.

    Right, one of my team has a paranormal research degree and there is a library in this mansion so we should be able to try.

    Once it is done destroying the upstairs bathroom that is.


    I will report back.

    (Switch Friend Code) SW-4910-9735-6014(PSN) timspork (Steam) timspork (XBox) Timspork


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    JohnHamJohnHam Registered User regular
    Melding wrote: »
    Huntera wrote: »
    All I can say to be an expert on are Ogre Magi

    that's my specialty

    is single monster expertise enough to apply for an MRE position???

    We tend to hire from freelancers we have built a relationship with. Start taking out them ogre magis making a name for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

    Typical. Expect you to kill ogres for free for "exposure".

    signature.png

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Which monster will get me the most renown?
    Huntera wrote: »
    which monster head, in your opinion, would make the best looking trophy to mount above a fireplace?

    The answer to both of these is the European Red Back Dragon.

    They're huge, rare, shoot fire hotter than hot, and look damn fine mounted.

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    JohnHamJohnHam Registered User regular
    Freelance monster hunters are always in need of consumer support, so don't hesitate to reach out. Popular sites include Batreon (for ongoing support) and IndieGoGhost (for larger individual hunts or projects).

    signature.png

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    MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    JohnHam wrote: »
    Melding wrote: »
    Huntera wrote: »
    All I can say to be an expert on are Ogre Magi

    that's my specialty

    is single monster expertise enough to apply for an MRE position???

    We tend to hire from freelancers we have built a relationship with. Start taking out them ogre magis making a name for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

    Typical. Expect you to kill ogres for free for "exposure".

    Hey, i got my start burning down a grave yard and fighting an ettin controlled farm. We all gotta start somewhere. Going after monsters with bounties is also a good idea because then you also get paid.

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