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Feeling disconnected/trapped - or maybe i'm just boring?
navelgazing
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hi folks,
I've been struggling for a long time with a sense of isolation that's probably a load of BS. here's the sitch: I'm in a leadership role at work and in a lot of non-profit organizations that i volunteer at. i'm at the point where a lot of people depend on me, and my job description is basically "problem-solver". It's been like this for as long as I can remember, with friends, acquaintances, family all coming to me for help - fixing something or listening to problems or offering advice.
I fundamentally enjoy working with people and solving problems. When I'm doing that, i'm in my element and happier than ever before. I feel connected and effective.
my problem is downtime. Downtime/vacation/weekends with no plans/long commutes - any time when I'm not actively working or helping someone, my mind goes into this weird place where stuff just doesn't make sense. My phone's usually buzzing with people asking for me for help in some way, but there was a moment when i realized that everyone is only interested in me for stuff i can do for them. they want Mr. Effective, not me. they want the role i play as problem solver/listener/advice giver, they want the guy with the reputation for getting it done. so i did some basic analysis and holy shit, nobody contacts me because they actually like me.
i have a very small number of friends (1-2?) who i feel actually care about me, the person to some degree. i can open up to them, drop the facade, bare my soul so to speak without fear. but even with these friends, I initiate contact 98% of the time. I'm suggesting doing lunch, or going out on the down for dinner and movies etc. and they're all very receptive and we have a great time.
it all leaves me feeling that if i wasn't around to reach out to people, nobody would miss me - because clearly they don't! i don't get "hey, just saying hi" or "omg i missed talking to you" or "man we haven't spoken in ages" messages or anything like that. they'd miss the role i play in their lives. they don't miss ME.
and here's the part where I read the last couple of lines and feel intensely disgusted because wow, entitled much? nobody owes me their personal time or attention, and i'm blessed to have the opportunity to help and the job I have. be grateful and feel better and stop WHINING, dumbass.
so i feel bad, and feel like shit for feeling bad because my problems are self-pitying BS. :V
and looking at the evidence, i feel like fundamentally, i'm a dull, boring person. i like to think i'm not, but if i wasn't, wouldn't people want to talk to me?
one friend once told me i seem to radiate a 'competence-field' that makes people think i've got all my shit sorted and the world at my fingertips. i don't even know how to feel about that. is that why they don't think i need to talk to someone once in a while?
oh hey the self-disgust is getting stronger
so i'm surrounded by people on a daily basis. i throw myself into work and volunteering so i don't have time to think about these things. externally life is grand, internally i'm screaming. there are days i want to do nothing but curl up in my bed in the fetal position and sleep forever, but i get up because if i don't get shit done, a lot of people don't get what they need.
I've been struggling for a long time with a sense of isolation that's probably a load of BS. here's the sitch: I'm in a leadership role at work and in a lot of non-profit organizations that i volunteer at. i'm at the point where a lot of people depend on me, and my job description is basically "problem-solver". It's been like this for as long as I can remember, with friends, acquaintances, family all coming to me for help - fixing something or listening to problems or offering advice.
I fundamentally enjoy working with people and solving problems. When I'm doing that, i'm in my element and happier than ever before. I feel connected and effective.
my problem is downtime. Downtime/vacation/weekends with no plans/long commutes - any time when I'm not actively working or helping someone, my mind goes into this weird place where stuff just doesn't make sense. My phone's usually buzzing with people asking for me for help in some way, but there was a moment when i realized that everyone is only interested in me for stuff i can do for them. they want Mr. Effective, not me. they want the role i play as problem solver/listener/advice giver, they want the guy with the reputation for getting it done. so i did some basic analysis and holy shit, nobody contacts me because they actually like me.
i have a very small number of friends (1-2?) who i feel actually care about me, the person to some degree. i can open up to them, drop the facade, bare my soul so to speak without fear. but even with these friends, I initiate contact 98% of the time. I'm suggesting doing lunch, or going out on the down for dinner and movies etc. and they're all very receptive and we have a great time.
it all leaves me feeling that if i wasn't around to reach out to people, nobody would miss me - because clearly they don't! i don't get "hey, just saying hi" or "omg i missed talking to you" or "man we haven't spoken in ages" messages or anything like that. they'd miss the role i play in their lives. they don't miss ME.
and here's the part where I read the last couple of lines and feel intensely disgusted because wow, entitled much? nobody owes me their personal time or attention, and i'm blessed to have the opportunity to help and the job I have. be grateful and feel better and stop WHINING, dumbass.
so i feel bad, and feel like shit for feeling bad because my problems are self-pitying BS. :V
and looking at the evidence, i feel like fundamentally, i'm a dull, boring person. i like to think i'm not, but if i wasn't, wouldn't people want to talk to me?
one friend once told me i seem to radiate a 'competence-field' that makes people think i've got all my shit sorted and the world at my fingertips. i don't even know how to feel about that. is that why they don't think i need to talk to someone once in a while?
oh hey the self-disgust is getting stronger
so i'm surrounded by people on a daily basis. i throw myself into work and volunteering so i don't have time to think about these things. externally life is grand, internally i'm screaming. there are days i want to do nothing but curl up in my bed in the fetal position and sleep forever, but i get up because if i don't get shit done, a lot of people don't get what they need.
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