So Superhero Movies are big right now. We went from the early successes of X-Men and Spider-Man to some really great films like Iron Man and Dark Knight, to “I can’t believe this actually got made” super successes like Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy.
But all that shit is just an appetizer. It’s time for the one true superhero to get a movie.
The Destroyer of All that Breaths
The hero who has personally taken down like half of the Marvel universe’s villains.
None other than: SQUIRREL GIRL!
Yes, Squirrel Girl. Squirrel Girl is a mutant named Doreen Green who has superhuman strength and agility, enhanced senses and reflexes, claws AND knucklespikes, a prehensile tail, teeth that can chew through wood, and she can talk to squirrels because OF COURSE SHE CAN.
She’s also an expert in hand-to-hand combat, but that’s not a mutant power, it’s just her being a badass.
Squirrel Girl has had an illustrious career, first appearing in Marvel Super-Heroes vol. 2, #8 (Jan. 1992) alongside her Squirrel companion, Monkey Joe. She approached Iron Man about becoming his sidekick, but he declined, right before Doctor Doom attacked and captured Iron Man. Squirrel Girl sent her squirrels after Doom, which ended poorly for him.
Due to the obscurity of this story, nobody bothered to retcon it to say it had been a Doombot the whole time, leaving Doom’s defeat at the hands of Squirrel Girl canon to this day. And thus began her career of defeating every damn super villain who has ever crossed her path.
She was next seen joining the ranks of the Great Lakes Avengers in the 4 issue miniseries GLA: Misassembled. Here’ she helps the team defeat Maelstrom, though during their adventures, Monkey Joe is tragically killed
You will be missed, Monkey Joe.
Next seen with her new squirrel companion, Tippy-Toe in the Great Lakes Avengers: GLX-Mas special (The team got a cease and desist from the Avengers, so they changed their name to Great Lakes X-men when they realized the surviving members were all mutants) where she defeated MODOK, Terrax and even THANOS! Uatu is even on site to confirm!
She also helps the Thing defeat the Bi-beast, who in gratitude invites the GLX to his superhero poker game, where they win the name “Champions” off of ol’ Ben Grimm. When Deadpool mistakes the rechristened Great Lakes Champions as unregistered heroes during the Civil War, he is put in his place rather savagely by Squirrel Girl, calling him an “evil, evil man.”
Deadpool later teams up with the GLI in Deadpool / GLI - Summer Fun Spectacular, wherein he’s offered a “reserve position” on the team, which he quickly begins to abuse while the GLI is powerless to stop him and Squirrel Girl is distracted trying to save her childhood crush, Robbie “Speedball” Baldwin, from taking a turn for the emo and becoming Penance. The GLI manage to bring her back for the all-important task of booting Deadpool the hell out of their HQ.
Later, after singlehandedly defeating Fin Fang Foom, due to her teammates sitting out, she realizes that as long as she’s around to do all the work, she’ll be holding the team back, so she quits and moves to New York where she begins attending college and becomes the Nanny for the daughter of Luke Cage and Jessica Jones. At some point, she beats Wolverine in a fight. Because.
Her list of on and off-panel victories is impressive
Fin Fang Foom
Ego the Living Planet
Truly Squirrel Girl is the hero for our times. Is there a greater symbol for dedication, perseverance, believing in oneself and not judging a book by its cover? I think not! So how about it Hollywood, where’s our Squirrel Girl movie?
Also there are some other Superhero movies coming out or something, who cares.
Big Hero 6 - November 7th, 2014
Avengers: Age of Ultron - May 1st, 2015
Ant-Man - July 17th, 2015
Fantastic Four Reboot - June 19th, 2015 August 7th, 2015
Deadpool - Feb. 12, 2016
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice - March 25th, 2016
Captain America 3 - May 6th, 2016
X-Men: Apocalypse - May 27th, 2016
Untitled MCU Film (Rumored to be Dr. Strange) - July 8th, 2016
Untitled DC Film - August 5th, 2016
The Sinister Six - November 11th, 2016
Untitled Wolverine Film - March 3rd, 2017
Untitled MCU Film - May 5th, 2017
Untitled DC Film - June 23rd, 2017
Untitled Fantastic Four Sequel - July 14th, 2017
Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - July 28th, 2017
Untitled MCU Film - November 3rd, 2017
Untitled DC Film - November 17th, 2017
Untitled Female-Lead Spider-Man Spinoff - Unknown 2017
Untitled DC Film - March 23rd, 2018
Untitled MCU Film - May 4th, 2018
Untitled MCU Film - July 8th, 2018
Untitled X-Men Film - July 13th, 2018
Untitled DC Film - July 27th, 2018
Untitled MCU Film - November 2nd, 2018
Amazing Spider-Man 3 - Unknown 2018
Untitled DC Film - April 5th, 2019
Untitled MCU Film - May 3rd, 2019
Untitled DC Film - June 14th, 2019
Untitled DC Film - April 3rd, 2020
Untitled DC Film - June 19th, 2020