Wife went to great lengths to lie to me

2

Posts

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited September 2014
    liedto wrote: »
    I feel there's a difference between having money and being able to afford things.

    I entirely 100% agree.

    My point was that this obviously meant a lot to her. Somewhere in the conversations you two had, either she failed to express that, or you failed to hear it.

    Yes, she lied. Yes, she likely made an thoughtless financial decision. Yes, saving money is the best strategy.

    But she thought this trip was more important than those things. So, somewhere, communication did not happen. We don't have enough information to figure out whose fault that was. I'm just pointing at the situation and saying, "Effective talking did not happen here.

    So if you decide to stay with her and work things out, communication is something upon which you two need to focus.

    _J_ on
    KyouguIruka
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    .

    However, you should probably have let her do this. You only get one life, and better to spend it with friends having fun.

    I disagree with this comment, which is probably why we're in the situation we are right now.

    If this had been a thing that was scheduled to happen in my city, or in a a close by city, or if we were better off financially, then yeah. But I thought she and I both understood that we had made some silly financial mistakes in the past, and doing a trip to London was way out of the budget and would just reset us back to the 'spend now, worry about the consequences later' mindset I never want to be in again.

    We do keep separate bank accounts actually, with one other we put our savings into. Even if the money she put away for the trip came out of her own account, is it wrong for me to feel as angry and hurt as I am? There's thousands of thing I would love to do with my money, but instead I'm just saving it up because I'm the type of person that's paranoid about an emergency happening and we not having the funds to cover it.

    And from all our talks about the London trip, it felt like it was an occasion to see her friends, visit some landmarks, and see the play with one of those two assholes in them. Obviously it's stupid for me to say this now, but I didn't think it was emotionally important--she never voiced it at that level, so when someone says that I missed out on she wanting to feel normal, I call bullshit on that. And maybe that's where I'm wrong.

    Above all it's just the lies. Like, I don't even know if the promotion was a real thing. I feel like a fool, and I don't know if I can get over that, or if I should.

    This is where counseling can help you both see each others point of view. You need a referee to put things into perspective.

    You save money not just for the sake of it, but to allow you to do what you really want to do. Sherlock fandom was what your wife really wanted to do, even though it seems like a stupid waste of money to you. It obviously embarrassed her to admit how much it meant to her, probably because it is hard to say to your husband "I have bonded with my friends over our shared love of disturbing porno fan-art, and I desperately want to visit London to dress up in deerstalker hats and stand outside Baker Street." :) You call the actors in the show "assholes" and if that is typical of your teasing, no wonder she didn't want to admit that the fandom was a genuinely big deal to her.

    You also need to figure out how you can get to do the things that mean a lot to you. Perhaps you can both have a "fun stuff" savings account where you get to put aside $10 a week to either fritter away on lattes, or save up to go to conventions, or whatever you want (that would take a year and a half to save up enough money to fly to London). It sounds like that was basically what she is doing. If you make it official, then you can both do it, and you can go to that football game or whatever you are feeling bitter about sacrificing. Don't even count it as savings, and make sure to put plenty aside in a real savings account for real emergencies.

    tapeslingerCalica
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    Pretty much the worst decision if he wants to keep the relationship - alternatively, if he wants a divorce, he should consult a lawyer for advice on what to do financially.

    UsagiceresWassermeloneShadowhopecB557RainfallXaquintapeslingerMagic PinkzagdrobBé ChuillePsykomasterling3763Calica
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    Pretty much the worst decision if he wants to keep the relationship - alternatively, if he wants a divorce, he should consult a lawyer for advice on what to do financially.

    This seems true. But depending on how much is in there, how much she might have taken, etc...

  • ChopperDaveChopperDave Registered User regular
    _J_ wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    Pretty much the worst decision if he wants to keep the relationship - alternatively, if he wants a divorce, he should consult a lawyer for advice on what to do financially.

    This seems true. But depending on how much is in there, how much she might have taken, etc...

    Sounds like the wife didn't take any money from the joint account, or else the OP would have noticed.

    There has definitely been a betrayal of trust here, no doubt, but emptying the joint savings account at this point seems like it would be an unnecessarily aggressive move that would probably blow up the marriage.

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  • AmmalineAmmaline Registered User regular
    _J_ wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    Pretty much the worst decision if he wants to keep the relationship - alternatively, if he wants a divorce, he should consult a lawyer for advice on what to do financially.

    This seems true. But depending on how much is in there, how much she might have taken, etc...

    Sounds like the wife didn't take any money from the joint account, or else the OP would have noticed.

    There has definitely been a betrayal of trust here, no doubt, but emptying the joint savings account at this point seems like it would be an unnecessarily aggressive move that would probably blow up the marriage.

    Also, while I am in no way certain, if things do go very poorly and a separation or divorce is in the picture isn't that bad for him long term? As in, emptying their joint account into his could get him in trouble down the line since it's 'their' money, not 'his' money?

    I hope it doesn't come to that, but I would certainly find out if legally he would be in the clear before attempting to move any money around away from her.

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  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    I'm pretty sure that the whole point of a joint account is that both parties have full access to the funds. Clearing it out might be considered a dick move, but given that she's just deceived him over a major expenditure, it might also be considered sensible.

    Anyway, OP: She's told you a pretty whopping lie and not about a small thing. I would advise no yelling or accusations or even passive aggressive questions, but simply a straight request for her to explain how and why you'll be able to trust her to be truthful with you and keep to agreements you make with each other in the future. Let the answer she gives guide your course.

    Darkewolfe
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    V1m wrote: »
    I'm pretty sure that the whole point of a joint account is that both parties have full access to the funds. Clearing it out might be considered a dick move, but given that she's just deceived him over a major expenditure, it might also be considered sensible.

    Anyway, OP: She's told you a pretty whopping lie and not about a small thing. I would advise no yelling or accusations or even passive aggressive questions, but simply a straight request for her to explain how and why you'll be able to trust her to be truthful with you and keep to agreements you make with each other in the future. Let the answer she gives guide your course.

    Your first and second paragraphs are in conflict. If the OP wants to stay with his wife under any circumstances, he can't just take the money from the joint account. That is a strategy for if he wants to divorce, and the lawyer has assured him that it would be OK. Think about what it would look like from the outside? Her lawyer could easily spin it as "My client was away on vacation when her husband cleared out their joint account without any notice. My client was left penniless and stranded in a foreign country. Her husband is a controlling man who was trying to keep her from visiting friends without his permission."

    Of course she could be planning to clear out all their accounts and elope with a British man who bears a resemblance to Benedict Cumberbatch in bad light :) But it doesn't sound like they have much to lose. In the event of divorce they'll probably be splitting more debts than assets. They don't appear to have any children so they won't need to worry about child support, and alimony isn't really a thing that happens any more. So they will just be jostling over who gets the savings (which don't sound like they amount to much), and it won't be 100% him, so he can't just grab it all.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    What? Yes, yes it would be the worst fucking decision what the hell is WRONG with you.

    Do not do this. I mean I can't even count the reasons why you shouldn't do this.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    Well I guess that maybe he should check that account and make sure that there haven't been any unplanned withdrawls and take it from there.

    Darkewolfe
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    ceres wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    What? Yes, yes it would be the worst fucking decision what the hell is WRONG with you.

    Do not do this. I mean I can't even count the reasons why you shouldn't do this.
    liedto wrote: »
    Right now, I'm not even sure if she's using money she saved, or if she's using money she's saved + plus money that we need to pay the monthly bills.

    If the joint checking account is used to pay bills.
    And If OP does not have enough money in his own account to pay the bills.
    And if she is making withdrawls from the joint account, while in the UK.

    Seems like OP ensuring that he can continue to pay the bills is sensible.

    kaliyamaDarkewolfe
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Maybe he should wait for her to get home and talk about it with her before he cleans her out like a controlling douchebag.

    Like I don't even. No. Get out of this thread, that's awful fucking advice.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    MetalbourneShadowhopetynicUsagiAngelHedgiePsykomasterling3763The AnonymousCalica
  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Maybe he should wait for her to get home and talk about it with her before he cleans her out like a controlling douchebag.

    Like I don't even. No. Get out of this thread, that's awful fucking advice.

    It's not to be a controlling douchebag. It's to ensure that he can pay the bills.

    Obviously if he can cover the bills with money from his own account, there is no need to take from the mutual account.

    Darkewolfekaliyama
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    ceres wrote: »
    Maybe he should wait for her to get home and talk about it with her before he cleans her out like a controlling douchebag.

    Like I don't even. No. Get out of this thread, that's awful fucking advice.

    She apparently has her own account, which is apparently what she's paying for this trip with.

    Given that she was keeping this whole thing a secret, it seems unlikely that she was planning to use the JA, and if she was, well then she's the douche in the scenario (bills to pay, remember?) and forestalling that makes perfect sense.

    V1m on
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    _J_ wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    What? Yes, yes it would be the worst fucking decision what the hell is WRONG with you.

    Do not do this. I mean I can't even count the reasons why you shouldn't do this.
    liedto wrote: »
    Right now, I'm not even sure if she's using money she saved, or if she's using money she's saved + plus money that we need to pay the monthly bills.

    If the joint checking account is used to pay bills.
    And If OP does not have enough money in his own account to pay the bills.
    And if she is making withdrawls from the joint account, while in the UK.

    Seems like OP ensuring that he can continue to pay the bills is sensible.

    I love how a woman takes off on a trip she paid for with money that was hers

    And suddenly she's financially incompetent.

    ShadowhopeUsagiJaysonFourPsykoma
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Geth, kick @_J_‌ from the thread

    set phasers to kill

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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  • GethGeth Legion Perseus VeilRegistered User, Moderator, Penny Arcade Staff, Vanilla Staff vanilla
    Affirmative ceres. @_J_ banned from this thread.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited September 2014
    _J_, I told you it was terrible advice, and if you'd actually read any of the OP's posts or the information he himself gave you would know why. If other people are willing to put up with you that's fine, but I am not interested in dealing with your schtick here, and if you try to come back I will eat your face.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    LoveIsUnity
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    V1m wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    Maybe he should wait for her to get home and talk about it with her before he cleans her out like a controlling douchebag.

    Like I don't even. No. Get out of this thread, that's awful fucking advice.

    She apparently has her own account, which is apparently what she's paying for this trip with.

    Given that she was keeping this whole thing a secret, it seems unlikely that she was planning to use the JA, and if she was, well then she's the douche in the scenario (bills to pay, remember?) and forestalling that makes perfect sense.

    And there has been absolutely no indication to that effect whatsoever, so the advice is terrible and douchey and stop saying it right now.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    Since you've admitted that you both have trouble saving, it sounds like you need to change how your money comes into your accounts. This would be a good conversation to have when she gets home, and a lot better way to begin discussing the overall situation than laying into her about the trip itself.



  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

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  • liedtoliedto Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    _J_ wrote: »
    ceres wrote: »
    _J_ wrote: »
    Also, transferring the remaining money from the joint account into your personal account might not be the worst decision.

    What? Yes, yes it would be the worst fucking decision what the hell is WRONG with you.

    Do not do this. I mean I can't even count the reasons why you shouldn't do this.
    liedto wrote: »
    Right now, I'm not even sure if she's using money she saved, or if she's using money she's saved + plus money that we need to pay the monthly bills.

    If the joint checking account is used to pay bills.
    And If OP does not have enough money in his own account to pay the bills.
    And if she is making withdrawls from the joint account, while in the UK.

    Seems like OP ensuring that he can continue to pay the bills is sensible.

    I love how a woman takes off on a trip she paid for with money that was hers

    And suddenly she's financially incompetent.

    Maybe it's less the woman part and more takes off on a trip part.

    We both are. Or were. The savings account is untouched, and I'm not planning to touch it either, but that's all it is-savings. It's not where the money for our bills comes from. So right now, I'm not sure what her finances are.
    Since you've admitted that you both have trouble saving, it sounds like you need to change how your money comes into your accounts.

    For the longest time I argued for a joint account, as if nothing else it would simplify our bill paying (right now she pays some of the bills, I pay some, and for things like grocery shopping and going out we split it, or figure out who owns who at the end of the month). She resisted, so I let it go.

    So I'm not sure where to go from here on that end.

    liedto on
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Artereis wrote: »
    Since you've admitted that you both have trouble saving, it sounds like you need to change how your money comes into your accounts. This would be a good conversation to have when she gets home, and a lot better way to begin discussing the overall situation than laying into her about the trip itself.



    No I think laying into her about being a gigantic liar is a good place to start.

    A great place.

    V1mMoorkusCambiataLostNinjaDhalphir
  • CaptainNemoCaptainNemo Registered User regular
    I dunno, I can't see lieing in advanced to run to another country to blow a shit ton of money as a thing you do to someone you love.

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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    UsagiAngelHedgiePsykomaThe Anonymous
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    I dunno, I can't see lieing in advanced to run to another country to blow a shit ton of money as a thing you do to someone you love.

    Maybe she doesn't love him. They should address that.

    You know. Talk about it. That might work. It might work toward them getting a divorce, sure, but that still works. You know what doesn't work though? This situation as it stands.

    Usagi
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    Artereis wrote: »
    Since you've admitted that you both have trouble saving, it sounds like you need to change how your money comes into your accounts. This would be a good conversation to have when she gets home, and a lot better way to begin discussing the overall situation than laying into her about the trip itself.



    No I think laying into her about being a gigantic liar is a good place to start.

    A great place.

    "Laying into her" is not a great place to start, since having a big angry argument is not going to solve any of their problems. He needs to let her know how hurt he is that she lied to him, and suggest relationship counseling to enable them to start communicating. Then the ball is in her court.

    If he greets her homecoming with yelling and throwing of accusations, he might as well take a shortcut and get the divorce papers ready because it'll save time in the end.

    cerescB557Cambiata
  • liedtoliedto Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    PacificstarMagic Pink
  • TheZKTheZK Registered User regular
    I think a lot of people are missing the forest through the trees. Money is important, but it's just money. A marriage isn't about money (I mean, jeez, the tax implications are terrible). Marriage is not about saving, bank accounts, or paying the bills. A marriage, more than anything, is about trust.

    Maybe OP is a big meanie from a Lifetime movie, or maybe OP is a saint. That's completely besides the point. A deception this size is a declaration that the very foundation of marriage isn't there. That's the place to start and the place to end.
    spool32 wrote: »

    No I think laying into her about being a gigantic liar is a good place to start.

    A great place.

    If it were me, I wouldn't start anywhere. Actions are louder than words, and I think at this point, the wife is the only one who can save the marriage. She may or may not want to do so.

    LostNinja
  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    UsagiJaysonFourPsykoma
  • liedtoliedto Registered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    And you're still reading this and apparently putting your own spin into things.

    PacificstarMagic Pink
  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    Its really, extremely unfair to assume this guy is some financial nazi because they mutually made plans and she made an elaborate lie so she didn't have to uphold her end of the deal. Getting caught up in the language does not make this a different situation. Being in a relationship isn't about doing whatever you want because your partner shouldn't be allowed to control you ever for any reason. If the trip was important to her and she was going to do it anyway its her job to communicate that to him. She agreed, and instead of backpedaling and owning up to it, she lied. That sucks.

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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    He should have some influence over her actions. Control? naah. But influence? Absolutely.

    They're not roommates who fuck sometimes, metalbourne. They've made a commitment to each other that she violated in a pretty dramatic fashion. He absolutely should "put his foot down" on the subject of lying and shitting on the idea of, and the plan toward, their shared future by jaunting off to London, on "her own dime" or otherwise.

    Money is fungible. His and Hers checking accounts are an organizational system, not a justification or an excuse.

    What she did is a betrayal on every front. He should be hurt and angry, he should be distrustful of her, and he should not try to enter into the discussion as though "olol ur such a sherlock nerd with ur nerd friends hahaha what fanfic did you write today u nerd", and constructing an elaborate lie about promotions and travel while secretly hiding away a bunch of money they could have used to further their lives together (because money is fungible and nothing is solely hers anymore) so she could disappear overseas, are at all on the same level.

    I don't think he needs to analyze his motivations or behavior beyond the most cursory glance, at least not initially, because what she did simply isn't justified by his behavior as we understand it in this thread. It isn't justified by any non-abusive behavior. It's akin to a petulant child rebelling against her daddy, and that is a mess as a mindset through which someone views her marriage.

    I don't think the OP should even entertain the idea that any behavior of his own would sink to that level, or have a conversation with her in which there's some parity between whatever it is he did that made her lie, and the actual series of lies she told.

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  • CaptainNemoCaptainNemo Registered User regular
    I'm sorry, but if anyone in my immediate family lied, to my face, about leaving the continent, I'd sure be pretty pissed off. Like, I'm entirely on the OP's side here, leaving the country with a big chunk of money to go party with Sherlock fans is one thing, premeditated lieing about it is a whole 'nother issue.

    OP, I really think you need to consider this long and hard. If she's willing to lie about shit like this, I'm betting she's told smaller lies before.

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  • CaptainNemoCaptainNemo Registered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    And he's her husband. That doesn't make her lieing about something this big alright.

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  • ChopperDaveChopperDave Registered User regular
    liedto wrote: »
    For the longest time I argued for a joint account, as if nothing else it would simplify our bill paying (right now she pays some of the bills, I pay some, and for things like grocery shopping and going out we split it, or figure out who owns who at the end of the month). She resisted, so I let it go.

    Hm. This is an interesting observation.

    Sounds like you and your wife need to set a better process for how you argue and reach agreements. There seems to be a mismatch in how you both communicate the relative importance of your needs and that may be partially the problem here.

    For example, my fiancée and I realized midway in our relationship that we had unintentionally set a "whoever gets angriest, fastest, wins the argument" rule. Whenever one of us got upset about an argument, the other would typically fold--even when the person who folded actually cared equally or more deeply about the issue. (This rule favored my fiancée, because she can almost always beat me in emotional escalation chicken.) This built resentment whenever our fights ended that way, obviously. We realized that when our arguments escalate emotionally we need to force ourselves to take a break, revisit the issue later, and come up with a compromise position that works for both of us. This requires a certain level of discipline--we each needed to teach ourselves both not to get angry and not to be pushovers.

    I'm not saying that you and your wife operate by a similar unspoken rule, but you may. If so, you should find a way to resolve issues that more fairly addresses both of your concerns. Marriage counseling could help with this.

    Another bit of advice: my fiancée and I also have separate banking accounts and a joint savings account. The way we make it work is to automate a lot of our finances.

    For example, we have a GoogleDocs spreadsheet where we keep track of bills and shares expenses like groceries. The spreadsheet tallies these expenses for each of us and adjusts our rents accordingly. If I spend $80 on groceries, for example, the spreadsheet will deduct $40 from my rent and add $40 to my fiancee's. At the end of the month we simply pay whatever rent the spreadsheet tells us to pay. It's a really good way to make sure we each carry our weight financially even when one of us pays for most of the monthly expenses.

    Similarly, we have it set up so that our savings account automatically deducts a set amount from our paychecks. Whenever we want to change that automatic deduction we discuss it first. Again, this way we both know we're contributing equally and neither of us is tempted to spend beyond our means.

    You may find that even if your wife is unwilling to have a joint checking account, she may be willing to agree to automated techniques like these that would satisfy your desire for financial parity and prudence. If you think you can trust her again after this episode, you might try giving it a shot.

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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    I'm stunned we're even giving any consideration to the fact that she used "her own money" for the trip. She sacrificed time with him or better shared finances to earn secret money for her secret European vacation.

    Her actions have impacted the marriage on every level!

    spool32 on
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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    edited September 2014
    Metalbourne was warned for this.
    w
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    And he's her husband. That doesn't make her lieing about something this big alright.

    I never said it was. if she was here asking for advice I would have pointed out just how shitty that is.

    But he isn't a victim here. He's suffered no loss. He's a guy who found out his wife isn't nearly as responsible or dependable as he thought she was. He can show some agency as a person and either talk about marriage counseling or get a divorce instead of crying to the Internet about how betrayed he feels.

    Metalbourne on
  • liedtoliedto Registered User regular
    w
    liedto wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    A trip to London to see some friends should never have been important enough to lie to your husband about.

    This is a colossal failure of priorities, and teasing her about her Sherlock nerdery doesn't excuse or explain it in the slightest.

    Well, you know, he does have the option of divorcing her in that case and finding someone who's more interested in getting behind his financial master plan.

    What's also not excusable is suggesting he "put his foot down" or she should "get in line" or commandeering the joint bank account because he just suddenly assumes she's become unable to take care of her end of the expenses.

    This stuff might have been okay in the 1950s, but we've invented feminism since then.

    I know we all come into the thing with our own preconceived notions, but you're seriously A)not helping and B) completely taking a lot of the things I've said or done and completely twisted them, to a large degree.

    Listen, I'm not going to get into it all, but she is financially irresponsible. She's admitted that several times herself. This trip she took, if let's say she still only used money she got from overtime or whatever WAS STILL FINANCIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. She had also agreed to this several times.

    Like, my MASTER PLAN is 'hey, maybe we just have a nice little savings pillow and make more than minimum on credit cards'.

    Like seriously, I can't take any of your advice at all because you're skewed it that much.

    You're still going at this like you have some control over her actions. You don't. She's not your kid. She's your wife.

    And he's her husband. That doesn't make her lieing about something this big alright.

    I never said it was. if she was here asking for advice I would have pointed out just how shitty that is.

    But he isn't a victim here. He's suffered no loss. He's a guy who found out his wife isn't nearly as responsible or dependable as he thought she was. He can show some agency as a person and either talk about marriage counseling or get a divorce instead of crying to the Internet about how betrayed he feels.

    This is probably going to put an end to this thread, but fuck you, dude.

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