I'm sure some of you have had those days where you feel like you're fucking everything up in a major aspect of your life, despite zero evidence. Fecking brain spiders, ain't got time for your bullshit.
0
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I wouldn't say I am happy these days, but I am definitely more tolerant of being unhappy and better able to navigate bad head weather.
I have a lot of regret about things I didn't do in my past, and choices I made. But ultimately everything I did lead to where I am now and I am finally starting to feel like I have some influence over my own life, which is really all I can ask for.
I don't believe I'll ever really feel happy. Not in a "woe is me my life is so hard and hopeless" way, but I just feel like my character is built too much around fear, and I don't know how to be both scared and happy. But while I am afraid, I am also worrying less. I've realised that life isn't about careers or relationships or plans, it's just having something to do between now and death. I'm trying to live more in the moment I guess.
+1
Options
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
Living on my own made me realize that, but for groceries and other necessary errands, I don't leave the house when I have days off.
I'm sure some of you have had those days where you feel like you're fucking everything up in a major aspect of your life, despite zero evidence. Fecking brain spiders, ain't got time for your bullshit.
Both of which make some kind of sense, I've always had difficulty focusing on most things (but I also hyperfocus on certain things), and I have a lot of obsessive habits that I recognize as nothing but harmful but find it very difficult to break out of (shopping, fingernail biting, picking at my skin, constantly asking Rachel if she's okay, etc).
One thing my therapist advised me to try is to recognize when I'm feeling those urges and consciously hold off on them, and eventually I'll become much more aware of why I'm feeling them and can hopefully deal with them better.
I think that as of this moment, I am both the happiest and most stressed I have ever been in my life.
I am in the process of making some Adult Decisions™ and it's incredibly thrilling and absolutely terrifying and I want to do a thousand backflips and also never get out of bed.
I am in the process of making some Adult Decisions™ and it's incredibly thrilling and absolutely terrifying and I want to do a thousand backflips and also never get out of bed.
as far as introspection, in a few days i come up on my first year
which is a horror movie. lost most of my friends, gained debt and have jack shit to show for it. im pretty sure ive ruined a bunch of peoples lives in the process, which also blows. i dont know. maybe year two will be better? i doubt it.
Both of which make some kind of sense, I've always had difficulty focusing on most things (but I also hyperfocus on certain things), and I have a lot of obsessive habits that I recognize as nothing but harmful but find it very difficult to break out of (shopping, fingernail biting, picking at my skin, constantly asking Rachel if she's okay, etc).
One thing my therapist advised me to try is to recognize when I'm feeling those urges and consciously hold off on them, and eventually I'll become much more aware of why I'm feeling them and can hopefully deal with them better.
I have been using similar advice with my social anxiety (because of course ADD isn't enough) and its been working really well. I find a lot of the time my anxiety is cyclical and when I can realize when a cycle is starting its much easier to break out of it before it feeds on itself and gets worse. Also man I feel for the hyperfocus, I would get hyperfocus so bad with basically everything that wasn't productive. Its bad enough not being able to focus by itself but when you add constant thoughts about something you are hyperfocused on it just makes it so much worse.
after moving back in with my family to get my shit straight
well I'm struggling getting my shit straight
and growing angrier and more destructive because of it and other things
which
could you monsters bother me later please
when I'm dead, preferably
Both of which make some kind of sense, I've always had difficulty focusing on most things (but I also hyperfocus on certain things), and I have a lot of obsessive habits that I recognize as nothing but harmful but find it very difficult to break out of (shopping, fingernail biting, picking at my skin, constantly asking Rachel if she's okay, etc).
One thing my therapist advised me to try is to recognize when I'm feeling those urges and consciously hold off on them, and eventually I'll become much more aware of why I'm feeling them and can hopefully deal with them better.
I have been using similar advice with my social anxiety (because of course ADD isn't enough) and its been working really well. I find a lot of the time my anxiety is cyclical and when I can realize when a cycle is starting its much easier to break out of it before it feeds on itself and gets worse. Also man I feel for the hyperfocus, I would get hyperfocus so bad with basically everything that wasn't productive. Its bad enough not being able to focus by itself but when you add constant thoughts about something you are hyperfocused on it just makes it so much worse.
Yeah, I spent SEVERAL hours organizing my Netrunner/Mage Wars cards by faction, category, etc.
I seriously no longer know how to talk to new friends/girls without completely smothering them in texts and attention and being too much of myself and scaring them away
back when i just pretended to be cool and sane and lied constantly everyone fuckin loved me
now i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get back my book from that girl i really really liked who refuses to acknowledge a single message of mine
I've been feeling pretty down lately. Junior in college, bout to start my senior thesis track courses in the spring, planned for a long time to either go to graduate school for history/economics (economic history if you will) or go into NGO analysis or the foreign service. But, I've been worrying with the news that graduate school isn't worth it, there aren't a lot of tenured positions, and I've been contemplating whether or not academia is really worth it cause at least on the liberal arts side it feels like a lot of bullshit at times. Not to misconstrue, cause I do really enjoy studying economic history, but it also feels like there isn't much more that I could add to the conversation; I feel like my senior thesis is some fresh new ideas, but all the readings I find in my field say very similar things at times and I don't feel as though I'm really going into new ground a lot.
My internship is also soul-crushing. I study state laws and do write-ups on them in a cubicle for 5 hours on mondays and wednesdays, and while I originally had some kind of goal of analysis if I couldn't do academia, this just makes me feel really unsure of my ideas. Do I really enjoy this kind of work, or have I always just enjoyed the idea of the reader/writer/scholar/ivory tower academian? I think the bureaucratic/corporate world would practically kill me, but I don't know if I could really make it in the academic world.
It's made me really wish there were still lots of crafts jobs around.
I also think I need to join a club sport or something so I can have something to completely dump my thoughts and worries on. Exercise isn't quite enough compared to a competitive sport that can give me an outlet for anger.
As someone in a similar spot, although already having done time in the graduate school environment (after working a couple years post-undergrad):
Academia IS really rough on the humanities/liberal arts side, and at this current point may be in a relatively more precarious situation than in the recent past (however- if you do any reading on the history of US colleges/universities you will ALWAYS find people either A) lamenting the decline of the humanities or B ) lamenting that too many kids are studying these here "useless" lolbrul farts and they need to get a real education and job). Although the department I've been attending as a grad student (art history) has hired four tenure-track professors in the last four years, this is more or less an anomaly for an art history dept; it helps that just enough professors retired/there was demand for a couple of new fields/they're part of the "flagship" campus of the state university system. Also each of them is ridiculously skilled and passionate about what they do, and that's before considering that they virtually won the lottery in landing these posts.
Each one would also tell you to not even bother with a PhD program unless your fully, or nearly-fully, funded - it is not a pursuit to take debt out on. I'm in a terminal master's program however, meaning that us MA students get funding since there's no PhDs gobbling it up. I had designs to apply to PhD programs during undergrad, but received a healthy amount of skepticism about such plans from a trusted professor/advisor (the "bad cop" as it were to grad school vs. another prof who was the "good cop" about applying). After graduating and spending a couple of years as something other than a student, I applied to terminal-MA programs as a compromise; if I was gonna grad school, I was going to do it at as low a commitment as possible while still getting paid.
Additionally I also had a soul-crushing "prestige" museum internship over the summer, where I was squirreled away in a virtual closet to do busy work, unpaid. What "networking" and "enrichment" opportunities they provided us were laughable when I participated; my takeaway from them was that staff there (who started as interns) got there by working at least 6 months to a year for free, in multiple departments, before getting a tentative offer. Frankly I've got better shit to do with my time than expend energy in an entitled organizational culture like that.
I am, legitimately now, planning to exit the program (on friendly terms!) after finishing my classes and TA obligations for this semester; the BS office politics and more-often-than-not slog through absolutely obtuse scholarship has made me get increasingly bitter about being in the discipline, and if I hate what I'm studying, then why the heck would I subject myself to this for another year or more? It has been a good enough ride, but after actually spending time in the environment I thought I wanted to be in, I've learned that I don't need nor want to be an "art historian" to an advanced degree on paper. I enjoy the heck out of doing in-depth research projects on material, but i've more than developed the skills necessary to do that as a passion project during any given time.
Now I'm planning to transition into a K-12 teacher residency program of some sort next year, and go back to substitute teaching/being a classroom aide of some sort during the winter/spring months; mind you this is not an "I've been discouraged by academia, therefore I'll be a school teacher cause what the hell." I've actually had experience in schools full time, and part time since going to grad school, and all the BS in that environment has been tolerable cause I legitimately enjoy working with students day-in and day-out.
What I'm trying to say in long-winded fashion is, on the one hand if you can continue these studies you're passionate about (it certainly seems like you've got the capability to hack it) then absolutely do it provided a school is paying you. On the other, be prepared to realize you hate doing this stuff in a "professional" capacity after you've already started doing it (as has happened with me), and realize that it isn't because you're a "failure" (I've been getting straight A's in my program), but rather you realize it's not worth your mental health to subject yourself to something you can't imagine yourself doing constantly. With that in mind be prepared to explore things that you would have never thought would engage you (as working in classrooms has been for me).
Being in your early (I'm assuming?) twenties and unsure of this stuff is absolutely normal. In fact I would say it is healthy. I always get skeptical about those i've been working/studying with who put on the AYUP I'M TOTALLY MEANT TO BE DOING THIS, CANT IMAGINE ANYTHING ELSE NOPE! facade while then stressing out/bickering about the program in ways far more pessimistic than I have.
I've been feeling pretty down lately. Junior in college, bout to start my senior thesis track courses in the spring, planned for a long time to either go to graduate school for history/economics (economic history if you will) or go into NGO analysis or the foreign service. But, I've been worrying with the news that graduate school isn't worth it, there aren't a lot of tenured positions, and I've been contemplating whether or not academia is really worth it cause at least on the liberal arts side it feels like a lot of bullshit at times. Not to misconstrue, cause I do really enjoy studying economic history, but it also feels like there isn't much more that I could add to the conversation; I feel like my senior thesis is some fresh new ideas, but all the readings I find in my field say very similar things at times and I don't feel as though I'm really going into new ground a lot.
My internship is also soul-crushing. I study state laws and do write-ups on them in a cubicle for 5 hours on mondays and wednesdays, and while I originally had some kind of goal of analysis if I couldn't do academia, this just makes me feel really unsure of my ideas. Do I really enjoy this kind of work, or have I always just enjoyed the idea of the reader/writer/scholar/ivory tower academian? I think the bureaucratic/corporate world would practically kill me, but I don't know if I could really make it in the academic world.
It's made me really wish there were still lots of crafts jobs around.
I also think I need to join a club sport or something so I can have something to completely dump my thoughts and worries on. Exercise isn't quite enough compared to a competitive sport that can give me an outlet for anger.
As someone in a similar spot, although already having done time in the graduate school environment (after working a couple years post-undergrad):
Academia IS really rough on the humanities/liberal arts side, and at this current point may be in a relatively more precarious situation than in the recent past (however- if you do any reading on the history of US colleges/universities you will ALWAYS find people either A) lamenting the decline of the humanities or B ) lamenting that too many kids are studying these here "useless" lolbrul farts and they need to get a real education and job). Although the department I've been attending as a grad student (art history) has hired four tenure-track professors in the last four years, this is more or less an anomaly for an art history dept; it helps that just enough professors retired/there was demand for a couple of new fields/they're part of the "flagship" campus of the state university system. Also each of them is ridiculously skilled and passionate about what they do, and that's before considering that they virtually won the lottery in landing these posts.
Each one would also tell you to not even bother with a PhD program unless your fully, or nearly-fully, funded - it is not a pursuit to take debt out on. I'm in a terminal master's program however, meaning that us MA students get funding since there's no PhDs gobbling it up. I had designs to apply to PhD programs during undergrad, but received a healthy amount of skepticism about such plans from a trusted professor/advisor (the "bad cop" as it were to grad school vs. another prof who was the "good cop" about applying). After graduating and spending a couple of years as something other than a student, I applied to terminal-MA programs as a compromise; if I was gonna grad school, I was going to do it at as low a commitment as possible while still getting paid.
Additionally I also had a soul-crushing "prestige" museum internship over the summer, where I was squirreled away in a virtual closet to do busy work, unpaid. What "networking" and "enrichment" opportunities they provided us were laughable when I participated; my takeaway from them was that staff there (who started as interns) got there by working at least 6 months to a year for free, in multiple departments, before getting a tentative offer. Frankly I've got better shit to do with my time than expend energy in an entitled organizational culture like that.
I am, legitimately now, planning to exit the program (on friendly terms!) after finishing my classes and TA obligations for this semester; the BS office politics and more-often-than-not slog through absolutely obtuse scholarship has made me get increasingly bitter about being in the discipline, and if I hate what I'm studying, then why the heck would I subject myself to this for another year or more? It has been a good enough ride, but after actually spending time in the environment I thought I wanted to be in, I've learned that I don't need nor want to be an "art historian" to an advanced degree on paper. I enjoy the heck out of doing in-depth research projects on material, but i've more than developed the skills necessary to do that as a passion project during any given time.
Now I'm planning to transition into a K-12 teacher residency program of some sort next year, and go back to substitute teaching/being a classroom aide of some sort during the winter/spring months; mind you this is not an "I've been discouraged by academia, therefore I'll be a school teacher cause what the hell." I've actually had experience in schools full time, and part time since going to grad school, and all the BS in that environment has been tolerable cause I legitimately enjoy working with students day-in and day-out.
What I'm trying to say in long-winded fashion is, on the one hand if you can continue these studies you're passionate about (it certainly seems like you've got the capability to hack it) then absolutely do it provided a school is paying you. On the other, be prepared to realize you hate doing this stuff in a "professional" capacity after you've already started doing it (as has happened with me), and realize that it isn't because you're a "failure" (I've been getting straight A's in my program), but rather you realize it's not worth your mental health to subject yourself to something you can't imagine yourself doing constantly. With that in mind be prepared to explore things that you would have never thought would engage you (as working in classrooms has been for me).
Being in your early (I'm assuming?) twenties and unsure of this stuff is absolutely normal. In fact I would say it is healthy. I always get skeptical about those i've been working/studying with who put on the AYUP I'M TOTALLY MEANT TO BE DOING THIS, CANT IMAGINE ANYTHING ELSE NOPE! facade while then stressing out/bickering about the program in ways far more pessimistic than I have.
Thanks, this write-up makes me feel better. I've been fully aware of the fact that if I don't get fully paid for I'm not going to graduate school. It's a totally acceptable issue, but I've also been worried about not getting work even after a PhD with full-funding. I've thought about going into secondary education, but given my view on the issues therein I don't know if I could bother to handle doing some kind of high school educational program rather than just focusing on the field of history alone.
I guess the biggest issue I have is a fear of being stuck in some kind of career for the rest of my life and not enjoying it like my father has been for the last decade or so. I realize people change careers all the time, but I don't want to have put money and such into this, this being my undergrad degree, just to have it wind up worthless for anything I want to do.
The last time I tried to talk to a medical professional about my brain I was given a whole line about how I "seemed too intelligent" and wouldn't get anything out of medication because I'd know it was just the medication or something.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
@Beasteh I'm not super familiar with that medication, and I think it would be a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist for at least your first time taking depression meds IF that's a thing you want to do
I recommend medication because it has probably saved my life, by making the shitty world juuuuuuust tolerable enough to plod another day through
The last time I tried to talk to a medical professional about my brain I was given a whole line about how I "seemed too intelligent" and wouldn't get anything out of medication because I'd know it was just the medication or something.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
that medical professional said something real dumb
Miss me? Find me on:
Twitch (I stream most days of the week) Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
+12
Options
Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
I'm getting married in like three months? I feel pretty relaxed about the entire thing. About the only big decision we have left is are we having nerf guns at the wedding.
Oh and I tore the pants I was going to get married in today. They're currently being held together with sticky tape.
In terms of real introspection I guess I often just wonder if I'm a phony at work just coasting through not doing enough, but I get it all done and impress people so I think that is mostly just standard insecurity.
Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
Also @fightinfilipino I still have your business card around somewhere that you gave me at Pax.
It just just shows up somewhere , it'll go missing for a few months and just reappear. Nowadays it is so crinkled and is looking a bit worse for wear it looks like the card from a movie where someone will go, "You get into trouble, you call this guy."
The last time I tried to talk to a medical professional about my brain I was given a whole line about how I "seemed too intelligent" and wouldn't get anything out of medication because I'd know it was just the medication or something.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
that medical professional said something real dumb
I know, right? I'm not even average smarts! :rotate:
0
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
The last time I tried to talk to a medical professional about my brain I was given a whole line about how I "seemed too intelligent" and wouldn't get anything out of medication because I'd know it was just the medication or something.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
Keep talking to different people until you find someone who doesn't talk shit. I know it can be wearing. It's really worth it in the end though.
Why do internet companies take so flippin' long to hook you up? I don't get internet that's not from a phone until the 20th.
This is the biggest problem in my life at the moment. I think I have it going pretty good.
broken image link
0
Options
mightyjongyoSour CrrmEast Bay, CaliforniaRegistered Userregular
I'm sitting here looking at a prescription for an anti-depressant that my doctor gave me yesterday morning, and I guess, for some reason I don't want to go get it filled? Like it's a failure on my part as a person for needing medication to get me to feel better, even though it's something I think I really need and would really help me. There's also the part of me that tells me that I have no business being depressed because everything else in my life is pretty much great by any other measure, but here I am anyways.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
0
Options
VivixenneRemember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered Userregular
edited September 2014
Would you feel the same way if those pills were for a medical condition like cancer or diabetes or arthritis?
I'm sitting here looking at a prescription for an anti-depressant that my doctor gave me yesterday morning, and I guess, for some reason I don't want to go get it filled? Like it's a failure on my part as a person for needing medication to get me to feel better, even though it's something I think I really need and would really help me. There's also the part of me that tells me that I have no business being depressed because everything else in my life is pretty much great by any other measure, but here I am anyways.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
Depression doesn't care how successful you are.
And its trying to convince you that you don't' deserve the medication or that you're a failure for needing it
Tell depression to go fuck itself and go fill the prescription.
Every day I remember my ongoing lack of employment and continued dependence on disability support and it becomes difficult to continue to convince myself I deserve to continue living at the expense of others.
I have the potential for a real career, but the mere thought of attempting to pursue it paralyzes me, and the fear of change has kept me from accomplish anything really worth a damn for over ten years.
I wish I had something more positive to tack on at the end of this, but I just don't know sometimes.
I'm sitting here looking at a prescription for an anti-depressant that my doctor gave me yesterday morning, and I guess, for some reason I don't want to go get it filled? Like it's a failure on my part as a person for needing medication to get me to feel better, even though it's something I think I really need and would really help me. There's also the part of me that tells me that I have no business being depressed because everything else in my life is pretty much great by any other measure, but here I am anyways.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
Depression doesn't care how successful you are.
And its trying to convince you that you don't' deserve the medication or that you're a failure for needing it
Tell depression to go fuck itself and go fill the prescription.
Yeah, try to think of depression as a little goblin poking you in the brain.
And the medicine is a boxing glove that you use to punch it in the nuts.
I am very confident that this is absolutely the most accurate visual depiction anyone will ever make in regards to clinical depression.
Switch Friend Code: SW-6680-6709-4204
+10
Options
mightyjongyoSour CrrmEast Bay, CaliforniaRegistered Userregular
I'm sitting here looking at a prescription for an anti-depressant that my doctor gave me yesterday morning, and I guess, for some reason I don't want to go get it filled? Like it's a failure on my part as a person for needing medication to get me to feel better, even though it's something I think I really need and would really help me. There's also the part of me that tells me that I have no business being depressed because everything else in my life is pretty much great by any other measure, but here I am anyways.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
Depression doesn't care how successful you are.
And its trying to convince you that you don't' deserve the medication or that you're a failure for needing it
Tell depression to go fuck itself and go fill the prescription.
Yeah, try to think of depression as a little goblin poking you in the brain.
And the medicine is a boxing glove that you use to punch it in the nuts.
I am very confident that this is absolutely the most accurate visual depiction anyone will ever make in regards to clinical depression.
Hahaha. Thanks for the image, I'll let you know how accurate it is when I get the prescription filled.
Would you feel the same way if those pills were for a medical condition like cancer or diabetes or arthritis?
Also, thanks for pointing this out. I think it's really easy to be dismissive of it as a problem that needs to be treated, which to be honest is what had been preventing me from seeing a doctor about it. So, I guess, thanks for reminding me that I'm being dumb about it.
Antidepressants can be really helpful in letting your brain just cut the bullshit for a second so you can actually address your problems. Like, they're the only way I can get my stupid lizard brain to shut up and not have my flight-or-fight reflex constantly engaged.
On an unrelated note, because this is as good a thread as any for this, today I passed 3,000 posts and got my 9th anniversary badge on these here forums.
I'm sitting here looking at a prescription for an anti-depressant that my doctor gave me yesterday morning, and I guess, for some reason I don't want to go get it filled? Like it's a failure on my part as a person for needing medication to get me to feel better, even though it's something I think I really need and would really help me. There's also the part of me that tells me that I have no business being depressed because everything else in my life is pretty much great by any other measure, but here I am anyways.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
Depression doesn't care how successful you are.
And its trying to convince you that you don't' deserve the medication or that you're a failure for needing it
Tell depression to go fuck itself and go fill the prescription.
Yeah, try to think of depression as a little goblin poking you in the brain.
And the medicine is a boxing glove that you use to punch it in the nuts.
I am very confident that this is absolutely the most accurate visual depiction anyone will ever make in regards to clinical depression.
big pharma is totally missing out on the above great commercial idea.
so, my boss has a horrible habit of making all of his text messages sound super serious
like "We need to talk" which means "Hey, we need to adjust how we spend money on supplies, and how we use them. I'm thinking a staff meeting is probably in order to get everyone organized..." etc. etc.
in my sleep deprived brain, it was incredibly anxiety inducing fffffffffffffffffffffffffk
Miss me? Find me on:
Twitch (I stream most days of the week) Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
@Beasteh I'm not super familiar with that medication, and I think it would be a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist for at least your first time taking depression meds IF that's a thing you want to do
I recommend medication because it has probably saved my life, by making the shitty world juuuuuuust tolerable enough to plod another day through
The last time I tried to talk to a medical professional about my brain I was given a whole line about how I "seemed too intelligent" and wouldn't get anything out of medication because I'd know it was just the medication or something.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
that medical professional said something real dumb
I'm confused. Does that person think every medication is just a placebo?
"we gave him the medication to reduce his blood pressure but he was too smart and knew we were just fucking with him so it didn't work"
Posts
I have a lot of regret about things I didn't do in my past, and choices I made. But ultimately everything I did lead to where I am now and I am finally starting to feel like I have some influence over my own life, which is really all I can ask for.
I don't believe I'll ever really feel happy. Not in a "woe is me my life is so hard and hopeless" way, but I just feel like my character is built too much around fear, and I don't know how to be both scared and happy. But while I am afraid, I am also worrying less. I've realised that life isn't about careers or relationships or plans, it's just having something to do between now and death. I'm trying to live more in the moment I guess.
The outside world might as well not even exist!
Yes
Hi
Hello
Because the status quo is no bueno
Both of which make some kind of sense, I've always had difficulty focusing on most things (but I also hyperfocus on certain things), and I have a lot of obsessive habits that I recognize as nothing but harmful but find it very difficult to break out of (shopping, fingernail biting, picking at my skin, constantly asking Rachel if she's okay, etc).
One thing my therapist advised me to try is to recognize when I'm feeling those urges and consciously hold off on them, and eventually I'll become much more aware of why I'm feeling them and can hopefully deal with them better.
I am in the process of making some Adult Decisions™ and it's incredibly thrilling and absolutely terrifying and I want to do a thousand backflips and also never get out of bed.
Steam ID - VeldrinD | SS Post | Wishlist
Adult Decisions?
Buy the dildo.
as far as introspection, in a few days i come up on my first year
which is a horror movie. lost most of my friends, gained debt and have jack shit to show for it. im pretty sure ive ruined a bunch of peoples lives in the process, which also blows. i dont know. maybe year two will be better? i doubt it.
I have been using similar advice with my social anxiety (because of course ADD isn't enough) and its been working really well. I find a lot of the time my anxiety is cyclical and when I can realize when a cycle is starting its much easier to break out of it before it feeds on itself and gets worse. Also man I feel for the hyperfocus, I would get hyperfocus so bad with basically everything that wasn't productive. Its bad enough not being able to focus by itself but when you add constant thoughts about something you are hyperfocused on it just makes it so much worse.
well I'm struggling getting my shit straight
and growing angrier and more destructive because of it and other things
which
could you monsters bother me later please
when I'm dead, preferably
Yeah, I spent SEVERAL hours organizing my Netrunner/Mage Wars cards by faction, category, etc.
It was ridiculous.
back when i just pretended to be cool and sane and lied constantly everyone fuckin loved me
now i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get back my book from that girl i really really liked who refuses to acknowledge a single message of mine
@Oghulk
As someone in a similar spot, although already having done time in the graduate school environment (after working a couple years post-undergrad):
Academia IS really rough on the humanities/liberal arts side, and at this current point may be in a relatively more precarious situation than in the recent past (however- if you do any reading on the history of US colleges/universities you will ALWAYS find people either A) lamenting the decline of the humanities or B ) lamenting that too many kids are studying these here "useless" lolbrul farts and they need to get a real education and job). Although the department I've been attending as a grad student (art history) has hired four tenure-track professors in the last four years, this is more or less an anomaly for an art history dept; it helps that just enough professors retired/there was demand for a couple of new fields/they're part of the "flagship" campus of the state university system. Also each of them is ridiculously skilled and passionate about what they do, and that's before considering that they virtually won the lottery in landing these posts.
Each one would also tell you to not even bother with a PhD program unless your fully, or nearly-fully, funded - it is not a pursuit to take debt out on. I'm in a terminal master's program however, meaning that us MA students get funding since there's no PhDs gobbling it up. I had designs to apply to PhD programs during undergrad, but received a healthy amount of skepticism about such plans from a trusted professor/advisor (the "bad cop" as it were to grad school vs. another prof who was the "good cop" about applying). After graduating and spending a couple of years as something other than a student, I applied to terminal-MA programs as a compromise; if I was gonna grad school, I was going to do it at as low a commitment as possible while still getting paid.
Additionally I also had a soul-crushing "prestige" museum internship over the summer, where I was squirreled away in a virtual closet to do busy work, unpaid. What "networking" and "enrichment" opportunities they provided us were laughable when I participated; my takeaway from them was that staff there (who started as interns) got there by working at least 6 months to a year for free, in multiple departments, before getting a tentative offer. Frankly I've got better shit to do with my time than expend energy in an entitled organizational culture like that.
I am, legitimately now, planning to exit the program (on friendly terms!) after finishing my classes and TA obligations for this semester; the BS office politics and more-often-than-not slog through absolutely obtuse scholarship has made me get increasingly bitter about being in the discipline, and if I hate what I'm studying, then why the heck would I subject myself to this for another year or more? It has been a good enough ride, but after actually spending time in the environment I thought I wanted to be in, I've learned that I don't need nor want to be an "art historian" to an advanced degree on paper. I enjoy the heck out of doing in-depth research projects on material, but i've more than developed the skills necessary to do that as a passion project during any given time.
Now I'm planning to transition into a K-12 teacher residency program of some sort next year, and go back to substitute teaching/being a classroom aide of some sort during the winter/spring months; mind you this is not an "I've been discouraged by academia, therefore I'll be a school teacher cause what the hell." I've actually had experience in schools full time, and part time since going to grad school, and all the BS in that environment has been tolerable cause I legitimately enjoy working with students day-in and day-out.
What I'm trying to say in long-winded fashion is, on the one hand if you can continue these studies you're passionate about (it certainly seems like you've got the capability to hack it) then absolutely do it provided a school is paying you. On the other, be prepared to realize you hate doing this stuff in a "professional" capacity after you've already started doing it (as has happened with me), and realize that it isn't because you're a "failure" (I've been getting straight A's in my program), but rather you realize it's not worth your mental health to subject yourself to something you can't imagine yourself doing constantly. With that in mind be prepared to explore things that you would have never thought would engage you (as working in classrooms has been for me).
Being in your early (I'm assuming?) twenties and unsure of this stuff is absolutely normal. In fact I would say it is healthy. I always get skeptical about those i've been working/studying with who put on the AYUP I'M TOTALLY MEANT TO BE DOING THIS, CANT IMAGINE ANYTHING ELSE NOPE! facade while then stressing out/bickering about the program in ways far more pessimistic than I have.
Thanks, this write-up makes me feel better. I've been fully aware of the fact that if I don't get fully paid for I'm not going to graduate school. It's a totally acceptable issue, but I've also been worried about not getting work even after a PhD with full-funding. I've thought about going into secondary education, but given my view on the issues therein I don't know if I could bother to handle doing some kind of high school educational program rather than just focusing on the field of history alone.
I guess the biggest issue I have is a fear of being stuck in some kind of career for the rest of my life and not enjoying it like my father has been for the last decade or so. I realize people change careers all the time, but I don't want to have put money and such into this, this being my undergrad degree, just to have it wind up worthless for anything I want to do.
So I just kind of ignored the whole thing for a while, and tomorrow I'm going to try and talk to someone again and see if I can get anywhere, and blarghrgh.
I need to message @DE?AD back - I was in the middle of changing phone stuff he texted me the first time
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
I recommend medication because it has probably saved my life, by making the shitty world juuuuuuust tolerable enough to plod another day through
that medical professional said something real dumb
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Oh and I tore the pants I was going to get married in today. They're currently being held together with sticky tape.
In terms of real introspection I guess I often just wonder if I'm a phony at work just coasting through not doing enough, but I get it all done and impress people so I think that is mostly just standard insecurity.
Satans..... hints.....
It just just shows up somewhere , it'll go missing for a few months and just reappear. Nowadays it is so crinkled and is looking a bit worse for wear it looks like the card from a movie where someone will go, "You get into trouble, you call this guy."
Satans..... hints.....
I know, right? I'm not even average smarts! :rotate:
Keep talking to different people until you find someone who doesn't talk shit. I know it can be wearing. It's really worth it in the end though.
This is the biggest problem in my life at the moment. I think I have it going pretty good.
I had more written up but I read it over and deleted it but it pretty much solidified that I need to go see a therapist too...
Depression doesn't care how successful you are.
And its trying to convince you that you don't' deserve the medication or that you're a failure for needing it
Tell depression to go fuck itself and go fill the prescription.
I have the potential for a real career, but the mere thought of attempting to pursue it paralyzes me, and the fear of change has kept me from accomplish anything really worth a damn for over ten years.
I wish I had something more positive to tack on at the end of this, but I just don't know sometimes.
Yeah, try to think of depression as a little goblin poking you in the brain.
And the medicine is a boxing glove that you use to punch it in the nuts.
I am very confident that this is absolutely the most accurate visual depiction anyone will ever make in regards to clinical depression.
Hahaha. Thanks for the image, I'll let you know how accurate it is when I get the prescription filled.
Also, thanks for pointing this out. I think it's really easy to be dismissive of it as a problem that needs to be treated, which to be honest is what had been preventing me from seeing a doctor about it. So, I guess, thanks for reminding me that I'm being dumb about it.
On an unrelated note, because this is as good a thread as any for this, today I passed 3,000 posts and got my 9th anniversary badge on these here forums.
big pharma is totally missing out on the above great commercial idea.
steam | Dokkan: 868846562
like "We need to talk" which means "Hey, we need to adjust how we spend money on supplies, and how we use them. I'm thinking a staff meeting is probably in order to get everyone organized..." etc. etc.
in my sleep deprived brain, it was incredibly anxiety inducing fffffffffffffffffffffffffk
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Text : are you home
Alex
Alex are you there
Alex please call me
All sent in quick succession, I'd call thinking something bad happened
"Oh can you give me a ride on Tuesday?"
I'm confused. Does that person think every medication is just a placebo?
"we gave him the medication to reduce his blood pressure but he was too smart and knew we were just fucking with him so it didn't work"