Afraid to fight...

dramspringfeald

Hello, this is actually my first post here so... yeah

Since the loss of my sister I've kind of had an ever increasing rage building. (November 08) and the passing of my mother this march did NOT help things. I'm itching to fight because that is what I can do. the loss of both my mother and my sister were events I could not change and could not stop. And well.... I'm afraid that if I DO get in a fight I may not be able to stop. So! I'm just looking for "cool down" help or advice. Thanks.

Lord Palington

Have you talked to any sort of professional about this? There are counselors and therapists who specialize in grief, and this may be right up their alley.

If you're in the US or Canada, you might consult this website (therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/), which lists mental health professionals by location, specialty, and insurance.

I'm very sorry for both of your losses.

dramspringfeald

Alright and thank you. though the list goes, My grandmother, my sister, my aunt, a close friend, my uncle, my great grandmother, my other grandmother, Both my grand fathers, another cousin, my mother AND a close friend of mine was both diagnosed with Hodgkins and non Hodgkins Lymphoma AND pregnancy in the same week and there is nothing I can do. :<

About the only one's alive are my father and I.

EclecticGroove

dramspringfeald wrote: »

Alright and thank you. though the list goes, My grandmother, my sister, my aunt, a close friend, my uncle, my great grandmother, my other grandmother, Both my grand fathers, another cousin, my mother AND a close friend of mine was both diagnosed with Hodgkins and non Hodgkins Lymphoma AND pregnancy in the same week and there is nothing I can do. :<

About the only one's alive are my father and I.

If you really feel the need to punch something and let it all out. I suggest getting a heavy punching bag and putting it in a basement or somewhere private you can just unload on it and break down/shout/whatver you need.

You could go to a gym, but I have a feeling you might get pretty ugly and then rather uncomfortable there.

Deebaser

join a boxing gym

And well.... I'm afraid that if I DO get in a fight I may not be able to stop. So! I'm just looking for "cool down" help or advice. Thanks.

On second thought, see a doctor.

Dr. Frenchenstein

i've read that acting on anger might make things worse. it kind of makes sense, if you deal with anger by punching things, and you suddenly get super angry when there is nothing safe to punch, bad things can happen.

it's better to talk to a therapist or something.

zepherin

Deebaser wrote: »

join a boxing gym

And well.... I'm afraid that if I DO get in a fight I may not be able to stop. So! I'm just looking for "cool down" help or advice. Thanks.

On second thought, see a doctor.

Exercise therapy and routine.

There is nothing that removes the rage or hurt, it is a part of grief and will eventually pass. Things that can help it pass quicker are an exercise regiment. Pretty much as intense as you can handle. Crossfit level if you can. Builds endorphines and helps you clear your mind and get out aggression. Talk to a grief councilor. Be honest, and it will help you gain acceptance to your loss. Last is routine. Keep yourself to a daily routine. At 6am I get up and shower. At 620 I have a light breakfast of eggs and coffee. At 630 go to work, etc. Make sure that most of your active minutes in your day you have to be somewhere doing something.

diemeatbag

Actually fighting definetly helps curb this impulse. Check out a boxing or kickboxing gym, its a very controlled enviroment, and you wont be sparring for a wile, even when you do you wont be hurting anyone.

NotYou

Yea, while obviously a counselor would be fantastic, I think joining a boxing gym would be good for you. It's something I did when I was younger and had a great time. I was also a bit angry about life around that time and just exhausting yourself hitting bags and doing other exercises was a lot of relief.

As far as being worried you won't be able to stop yourself in a fight, that's simple. Don't hit people unless you or someone else is in danger. That's all you have to think about it.

Quid

I would have recommend joining a fight gym of some sort too except for this:

dramspringfeald wrote: »

And well.... I'm afraid that if I DO get in a fight I may not be able to stop.

I would recommend seeing a therapist/counselor first and then maybe taking up boxing or something. One of the last things a gym or its students want is a person who might have trouble with self control.

DusT_HounD

Definitely go with Quid's advice!

The trouble with getting into something like a martial art of any kind is that if you start and just want to fight, you'll be frustrated. You'll then get angry at how slow things are going, and it'll make your internal rage just get worse. Then when you do begin sparring, you'll be trying to go at a far greater pace than your peers can handle, and at best nobody will want to train with you. At worst, you'll start off sparring in a controlled fashion, somebody will hit you a bit too hard, then you'll take that as an excuse to go overboard and hurt them badly. [Source: I am a Karate instructor, and have both seen this happen to others, and to a lesser extent it has happened to me in days long past as well.] Doing martial arts should be a way of improving yourself, and not used primarily as a way to 'let off steam'. The real battle here is with yourself- controlling your anger is not something that you'll be able to achieve through fighting- that will just justify it in your mind.

Personally, i'd argue that you need to focus intently on something else. When you feel the rage building, channel that negative energy into your work, or a hobby of some kind - especially something that requires a significant amount of skill and practice to become good at. Frustration will still be there, but hopefully you'll become good at turning it into useful mental energy, rather than just useless rage which threatens to spill out over anyone and anything.

I hope you'll be well Dramspringfeald, and don't give in to the rage. Try not to assume you're the only one who gets angry, or who has ever lost someone close, or feels the way you do right now. Finally, remember that no matter how angry you are, others will always respect and love you more if you are able to recognise unfocused anger as a weakness, and can control and channel it, turning it into a strength instead. This will help you grow as a person, and ultimately will be what would have made your sister and mother proud of you. Even though they're not around now, ask yourself what kind of man or woman would they hope for you to be?