The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Is WoW more interesting than me? [Boyfriend]
Sharpie
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My boyfriend plays World of Warcraft a lot. And by a lot I mean several hours a day, more on weekends. When he picked it back up about a month and a half ago, I didn't really mind (except he had been 'clean' for almost a year) but it is beginning to get to me a little bit. I have no problem with his playing, I just don't think he should be playing it all the time. And it makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not good enough for him.
It's my first relationship, so I'm not as experienced as most, but I really care for him and he says he cares for me too. I don't really want to confront him about it, but I wish he would play a little less. It seems like all our time together recently has been him on the computer and me in the room reading or something.
Any advice PA?
TL DR:
My boyfriend plays a lot of WoW and it makes me think I am boring.
It's my first relationship, so I'm not as experienced as most, but I really care for him and he says he cares for me too. I don't really want to confront him about it, but I wish he would play a little less. It seems like all our time together recently has been him on the computer and me in the room reading or something.
Any advice PA?
TL DR:
My boyfriend plays a lot of WoW and it makes me think I am boring.
Sharpie on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
I'm willing to bet that if you give him things to do with you, he'll more than oblige.
I play Guild Wars alot with a friend online and my significant one is in the room most of the time. I find it really depends on how long the relationship has been going on. Honestly, I'm really only able to play because we both know we love each other and we've come to realize it's okay to do other things. It's what keeps us together.
So...the question I'm getting to is, do you feel like he doesn't make up for his time spent online vs. with you?
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
Beyond that, ask him out to places as has already been suggested. Go for a walk together. Basically just get him off the damn game because it will eat away a couple years of his life. I wouldn't offer an ultimatum just yet though, because he's already "quit" the addiction once.
If that doesn't work out, break up with him. There are people out there worth your time, if he turns out not to be.
Are you deranged? That's been the most popular of all opinions around here.
WoW blows. WoW is a piece of shit game that wastes your life.
Unless you want to waste your life it's best if you stay away from it.
Wii: 5838 3821 9527 3712
But remember not to be too hard on him so you don't come out as "bitchy" or "nagging."
edit: Oh and if you want to break up with him because of WoW, remember that nowadays a good number of the fish in the sea are WoW addicts. If that's his major fault I think it can be corrected.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
I think, like many have said, offer him something else. I play games because I enjoy them. I don't want to do it to the detriment of my relationship, but often they make demands on my time or do not let me just pick it up and put it down, like if I was knitting or doing a cross-stitch or whatever.
However, I enjoy being with my girlfriend more, as it should be. But we're living together, so we have to find a balance between my hobbies and her feelings. I do not feel the same way when she's playing Animal Crossing, I understand what she is doing and that gives me time to do something "guilt-free". What are you doing when he plays? Watching TV and wishing you were doing something with him? Have you asked him this? Could you use the time do to something you enjoy doing alone? It's important that you both have hobbies and things you do away from each other (physically/emotionally) so you have complete fulfilment, and don't resent the relationship from doing something you enjoy.
I quit Warcraft because it makes unreasonable demands on my time, and thus my time with my girlfriend. But I had learnt to play it when I woke up before work (and she was still asleep) or when she was watching Grey's Anatomy. It never became a big thing about the time I spent with her, but she still felt slighted by it, which I kind of understand.
Of course, this all assumes he is playing a healthy amount (ie. no more than twenty hours a week, preferrably less than 15) and he isn't just ignoring you when you offer alternatives.
The main test for whether or not your WoW-playing is a serious problem is if he's doing WoW instead of doing other activities; i.e., if you get naked and walk into the room and say "hey, baby, let's fuck," and he's all "but I'm in the middle of a raid!!!!" you have a problem.
If he's just playing when you guys aren't doing anything else, not quite so much. Like everyone else has been saying, ask him to do other stuff with you, and talk to him about how you're feeling. Be up-front and honest.
If he plays with real life friends or has a great guild and developped some friendships with the people in it, it would be hard to ask him to stop playing altogether. Or if he's in one of the top raiding guilds, with good progression and rewards. Most guilds ask for about 3-4 nights per week of your time, and if you can be fine with that then I guess it's just a matter of talking to him about it. Coming up with stuff to do is a good idea, but I feel like you shouldn't have to do all the work either.
Don't feel threatened too much, but definitely talk to him about it if he's a good guy and you have a good relationship.
edit :: Walking in naked in the middle of a raid isn't a very good idea if you ask me. But if walking in naked in the middle of mindless grinding for motes doesn't work, now there's a problem.
I'm going with this option. Don't get me wrong, MMORPG addicts happen, but the genre gets a bad name thanks to a few extreme cases.
Now, if he actively refuses to go out and do things with you all the time because of WoW, then you have a problem. All I can tell you at that point is that I've seen guys get dumped over their WoW habit, and I can't blame the women that do so. (If you can't pull him away from a video game and ultimately dump him because of the fact, you may just be saving yourself from trouble down the road. Addictive personalities can turn a relationship ugly if left unchecked.)
Bears repeating. It's one thing if he's just dicking around in the game because he has nothing else that interests him. It's another if he's given a commitment to 24 or more other people that he will help them with something, even if it's just a game. It's the digital equivalent of promising you'll be at a kid's ball game or piano recital but with more people you've promised and more snaggletoothed horrors. It may not be the most important thing in the world, but I take any promises I make to help someone with anything very seriously and I know I'm not the only one.
Even with full time raiding though, it shouldn't be much more than 20 hours a week that he has to be there (more time is allotted if he also does pvp or is one of the poor bastards that helps farm potion materials for raids). If it's more than that or he's not raiding or trying to get a character to level 70, it's a potential addiction (though sometimes a guild as a whole makes an effort to temporarily step up activity to reach a milestone) but otherwise it's just going to be one of those different interests you two have.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
I could understand if it was 10 or so but even 20 is starting to push it, that's almost three hours a day, which bassically means you get home at 6 get changed have something to eat and do housework til 7 finish playing at 10 you have maybe two hours tops before you wake up again at 6 to go to work the next day. So you'll have two hours of contact with your partner on week nights (less if she needs to get up early. If you don't want to spend that much time just hanging out together there's some serious issues of addiction there. Unless of course you are a student or unemployed it seems a bit too much time to sink into a game here.
Ask him to cut down, maybe two nights a week for two hours and maybe 8 hours over the weekend. Don't tell him though suggest it and offer alternatives in what to do instead.
(Also don't suggest watching tv together, it's not quality time, it's neat hanging out with someone you like but it's not quality time.
Satans..... hints.....
No, it really isn't. Anyone who thinks so is clearly deranged. No computer game should take as much time as a part-time job.
I mean, what other hobbies are there that demand you to spend 20 hours a week on them? Let's get real here.
--
OP, your best bet is to find new activities to do together. Team sports are great, competitive sports or activities are great. Dancing can be fun. Having a picnic can be fun. Unless you live in a little town in the middle of the mountains, the possibilities are endless.
If he turns down your suggestions for doing things together, that's when you sit down and have the talk. Only after that consider breaking up.
For raiding, it can be since it's a mixture of both social interaction and gaming and possibly time spent in management for officers in a guild. I've put that experience I had managing raids to good use managing group projects for school and various activities for my church, which isn't something I can say about most of the time I've spent in games until we get invaded by zombies, aliens, or Nazis.
Assuming a fairly standard raid schedule of 4 hours a night, that's about 3 or 4 nights a week when you factor in the fact that he'd probably be doing a few things a night outside of raiding. If someone isn't spending tons of time on other games, that's not an unreasonable time spent gaming in place of watching TV for a few hours a night. However, no well grounded guild is going to require 100% attendance and will allow for members to take vacations from the game (some guilds may be overly ambitious). There will also be a minimum attendance of some sort required to prevent people from mooching off the guild though and when you start hitting up against that, you deal with having to break commitments to be there to help your friends. It may just be a game, but that's not a reason to be a dick to your friends.
Now we're talking about a specific case with raids which may or may not apply to this situation. But I know plenty of people able to make that kind of time commitment to the game without it consuming their lives and causing a serious disruption to RL activities.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Why do you say that no computer game should take as much as a part time job instead of no hobbies should? What separates video games from anything else? I've seen this from a lot of people and I really don't understand it. If you play sports which if your playing on some sort of league can generally take 15+ hours, everyone is fine with it, your just into sports. If you play WoW for 15+ hours, you get labeled as a WoW addict. Plenty of people spend 15+ hours a week on hobbies they enjoy from sports, to cars to video games and yet only video games seems to be picked out where its a bad thing to spend a lot of time doing it. WoW doesn't demand 15 hours a week anymore than the vast majority of hobbies demand that time, however people invest that much time into it and other hobbies as well.
If you want to discuss the societal implications of WoW, there are, like, four other forums you could make a thread in.
If you're gonna try making him jealous like this, make sure you let him know that you'd rather be going places with him. Repeatedly. If you don't make it clear that you're just going to do things with other people because he won't, I can see this leading to problems.
Now, there's another solution, but I'm only saying this because it makes me giggle, play WoW with him, because running into WoW couples makes me smile and laugh :P. (Don't actually do that, unless uh, you like gaming)
A very important point. Being outside of the house avoids the usual distractions that can be around. Whereas just playing another game or watching TV can make one think "this isn't really any different from WoW," more significantly different activities avoid that trap. Back when I played WoW a lot, I always did stuff outside the house to take a break from the game when I needed to spend some time away from it. When activities nowhere resembling WoW get mentally compared to it is when it's more serious (assuming it's an activity one doesn't totally hate even without WoW in the picture).
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
1) When he's playing, don't waste your time around him. This might make you feel a little less frustrated, and maybe he'll take you a bit less for granted too. You don't need to make a big number out of it, just find something else to do: hang out with friends, do something you like on your own, whatever.
2) Agree with him beforehand on times you're gonna do stuff together. If he doesn't agree to any of your suggestions, or doesn't keep his promises or keeps canceling in favor of WoW, it's time to give him hell. But at least you can then criticize him and his actions, instead of attacking his addiction/favorite hobby which would probably make him very defensive.
If you try to do the above, and end up spending no time with him at all, or end up not figuring out anything to do when you do spend time together, then there's a problem and it's time to confront him and consider whether this is the relationship you want to be in.
A lot of significant others in your position end up playing WoW themselves, which may or may not be good for the relationship. If it seems like something you might enjoy, give it a try, but only after you've made sure your relationship is actually working outside the game too; otherwise you'd be just becoming part of the problem. Maybe understanding the world he plays in would help you understand him a bit better too.
Well I've been able to make WoW and real life work. Here is how I do it: WoW is a hobby. A fairly selfish hobby, like reading comic books or... I dunno, whittling. That means it entertains you and you alone. At any rate I love my hobbies. I like doing them. However I understand that like any other activity it's dumb to do it for too long. If there really is nothing much to do then I will sit on my ass on play wow. If someone is having a party or a get together or I have another comittment I will say to my guildies "I will be late or not coming." If I am feeling crummy or want some me time, I will say "I'd rather stay in tonight." Raiding can pretty damn fun, it's not just sitting down and playing video games, it's sitting down and tackling a challenge with some friends.
Now your boyfriend should have the ability to say to you "I'd rather not go out tonight, mind if I stay home [and play video games]" however he should only be able to pull this from time to time. Alone time is important in a relationship. But if he says this to you more often than not than it's a problem. I think a somewhat unfair stigma is attached to WoW as no one thinks its possible to let it just be 'another hobby.'
In short: It sounds like he's playing too much to begin with. Ask him to go out every night for a week or something and see how it turns out. And for christ's sake talk to him about if you think it's that big of a problem.
I'm just going to say that I think this is a fairly poor excuse for playing a game instead of spending time with a significant other. If I told my wife that I wasn't able to do something with her because I had promised people that I only know over the internet that I would go on a raid with them, she'd probably toss my goddamn computer out the window. Spending time in a game is by no means productive even if you are accomplishing things inside said game. There is no tangible, real-world reward to getting that epic-level mount or hitting level 70. There are, however, real-world rewards to spending quality time with loved ones.
To the OP: If he's spending dead-time on WoW, then I don't see a problem. But if, as I suspect, he's inviting you over and then playing video games while you sit and watch TV, he's taking you for granted. If it happens all of the time, then he feels that you're stuck to him and you don't mind sitting there bored while he gets that "one more level." You need to talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. And while you should be prepared to suggest things that you can do together, you also need to let him know that HE needs to come up with ways to spend time together that don't involve the computer, or the TV for that matter.
If you talk to him about this and he balks at the suggestion that he's spending too much time on WoW, than you need to give serious thought to whether or not you want to continue this relationship.
And let me just add that I'm speaking from experience here. I'm a gamer that has had to face the facts that I was spending too much time gaming and not enough time on my relationship. And leaving the computer behind has been great, because now my wife and I have much better quality time together.
Anyone who plays it is too.
Do not play WoW. People have died because of WoW.
Yes, I'd say he plays more than 20 hours in a week.
We don't go out much, but then this is a small college town and all that's nearby are bars, and neither of us drink. We go play D&D sometimes, though. He included me in that when I asked him and it's really fun.
I don't want to break up with him (hence why I am working out my feelings on this issue before it makes me snap) and I really think that passive-agressive bullshit is a bad idea. I don't want to hurt him.
I thought about picking WoW up this summer (when I don't have to worry about classes) but after watching him it seems all he does is fetch quest after fetch quest and level grinding. I really hate level grinding. I can't discern much of a story from it, and I like games to have SOME sort of a plot at least. And laundry lists of quests is not my cup of tea.
He does play with a guy we know in RL who lives on our floor.
You are not worth my time!
Yeah don't get into if you don't enjoy it. I love the game but it's far from everyone's cup of tea.
Playing Wow = fun level 1.2 - 2
Spending fun times doing fun things with other people = fun level 2-10
Real activities are way more fun than wow, but wow is a bit more fun than doing nothing at all. To cut down his wow time start suggesting other activities (before he sits down to play). Once you fall out of WoW your time played will soon drop off to a healthy level.
Hopefully once you have suggested activities for a few weeks or a month he will start realising that doing stuff is better than not doing stuff, and will start suggesting things too.
However you seemed to imply that the town you live in is a simple little college town, with nothing but drinking to do for fun. My suggestion to you is that he has no more idea what to do for fun than you do, at least he is having fun level 1.2-2 by playing wow! For both your sakes you need to find fun new activities.
That's understandable, but you might not want to rule it out entirely. Some people never change, and some need a giant kick in the head (like their girlfriend breaking up with them) to motivate them.
For whatever reason, MMOs are something that can end up consuming the lives of certain people. I've personally known two people who were so addicted to Everquest that when they ended up being out of work for a year did nothing but play the game, eat, and sleep. Yes, for an entire year.
http://www.thelostworlds.net/
Good choice. If your friend is a junkie, the best way to help is not to get your own bag of heroin and join in.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the worst advice ever.
Talk to him about it. Go places with him. Make sure you don't nag, just let him know how you feel.
Not to push this on you, WoW is a very addictive game, but at the same time in previous relationships I have had I played mmo's to get away from a demanding SO for a little bit of me time. Perhaps that's what he is doing?
pleasepaypreacher.net
You are not the OP's boyfriend, and I highly suspect you're in the majority of WoW players. That is bad advice. I have been addicted to WoW twice while dating my boyfriend, and each time I was raiding and had to say to myself "Okay no he is more important than imaginary loot" and sign off.
OP, it sounds like your boyfriend isn't the max level yet. He probably has no commitments. I'd reccomend taking him out on two cheap, fun, dates. Find a cafe or out-door resturant and order a meal, or go windowshopping downtown, or have a nice picnic. I wouldn't be too spontaneous, he might get irate: "I just found a group for Sunken Temple! It's impossible to find a group for Sunken Temple!". Plan ahead. It'll give him something to look forward to and stop these complaints.
I don't think that was necessarily bad advice, just heavily dependent on the people involved. I went out with a girl once who was always saying how video games were a waste of time, and was always on my case about playing them even for an hour a day. That gets old really fast.
However, that does not seem to be the case here, although I think a bit more information would be helpful. If they live together and he's spending most of his playing time while she's in class/work whatever, I don't see the big problem. If they live together and he spends most of his playing time in the time they have together (assuming they don't have like all day that overlaps :P ) that would definitely be annoying. If he invites you over just to sit there and play the game, that doesn't even make sense O_o
Cassandra, when you say you had to decide your boyfriend was more important than loot - why did you have to log off right at that time? I don't think it's fair to make someone feel guilty for indulging in a hobby, regardless of what it is (non-harmful of course). If he was giving you a guilt trip because he was bored and needed you to entertain him, that's not your fault. You're definitely right about not just springing up and saying "let's go to X place now!" as that is not conducive to MMO play; if he says no even when given plenty of advance, that's when I would start questioning his priorities.
Anyway, my rambling point is, your course of action will vary greatly based on how much he plays during your time together, what else you do in your time together, and what your current situation is as far as "other activities". If you're always suggesting things to do and he turns them down even in advance, you'll need to be more forceful. If you normally just sit around and are annoyed he's playing a game but you've never mentioned it, then you can't really blame him as he has no idea you think he's playing too much.
Hopefully he's not so far gone he would actually choose the game in total over you, though that can happen. But much in the way alchoholics should try to drink casually,. game addicts shouldn't try to get involved casually.
I'd recommend cold turkey if you can swing it, let him know that the more it continues, the more involved he'll get, and that is damaging to you as a person. Addiction is largely defined by an activity causing harm to others, so maybe getting him to cut the habit now while fresh is a good idea.
I don't want to derail the thread here, but I have to say, some of the WoW-bashing is pretty over the top. It is entirely possible to play games in a balanced and nonaddictive fashion, it just takes some willpower. I've been as addicted to other games as I have been to WoW, I just don't agree that this particular game is as insidious and unredeemable as some of you make it out to be. Personally, I have a few simple rules that make it workable for me. One, I do some kind of housework before I start playing, because I've been pretty terrible in keeping on top of housework in the past. Dishes, laundry, whatever, I make sure I contribute around the house before I start gaming. Second, and more importantly, when my girlfriend says "hey, let's go out tonight," I say yes. If I have a valid reason for declining, I don't spend that time solo gaming instead.
My GF and I have been together for 10 years, I've been a gaming addict for all of those years, and a WoW player on and off for a significant chunk of that time. I will readily admit that there have been times I've neglected her in favor of a game. That sort of thing was going on before WoW was ever on the scene, however, so to say that WoW is the problem is just not accurate. The problem is/was me. It's only in the last few years that I've struck a better balance between game time and relationship time. A big part of that has been discovering game genres that we can play together. Wii Sports and the Guitar Hero series are some of the games that we both like. To the OP, you might want to consider some multiplayer games you can play together as a sort of "nicotine patch" to help your SO spend less time playing WoW.
As a sort of functioning addict, I have to say to the OP that the idea of proposing things to do together is the best one so far. Going out to dinner, watching a movie, whatever, just as long as it's not WoW and you're both doing it. If he makes up some kind of excuse and then starts playing WoW instead, call him on it. Don't be dramatastic, just be clear that you don't enjoy playing second fiddle to a computer game, and you think his ongoing choice to put the game first is undermining the relationship. Give him a chance and incentive to change the balance in his life, and hopefully he will. If he doesn't, then I think you need to make the right choice for you, which might be to move on.