Mistakes with sex

misbehavin

So, here's my story:

I was dating this girl briefly (only 2 weeks), and we hit it off quickly (had sex on the 3rd date), but she quickly changed personalities and decided she didn't want to be in a relationship. I said ok, and left it at that.

Then, shortly thereafter, I began talking to a new girl and we hit it off just as well. Come to find out, she is a very good friend of the girl I was previously with. I decide to just go with it, and by the 4th date, we were sleeping together.

Well, as it turns out, she isn't just friends with the previous girl, but roommates. This caused a whole manner of uncomfortable moments for the first few days, but I thought it was settling down (since, after all, the first gil was the one that broke it off with me, not me with her), until...

The previous girl now says she wants me back, and she is starting to cause trouble. The other night, she got damn near violent because we were snuggling on the couch when she came home.

Should I just leave them both behind, or what? I really like the current girl, but this is getting out of control.

Halfmex

Sounds like it's the first girl's problem, not yours. She didn't want a relationship, fine and dandy, you move on. There's no good reason to get upset about becoming emotionally invested (as she obviously was/is) in something when you claim that you aren't and have no intentions of ever being so.

As long as the girl you're currently with doesn't have a problem with it (and she shouldn't), then you should continue about your business. The first girl needs to get over it.

JPArbiter

Frankly the first gal had her shot, and she is done (sounds unstable anyway).

I would sit them both down and calmly explain the situation to each.

Girl A needs to understand that she was great for the short time you had, but it is in fact, over, and it was so at her request.

Girl B should be informed that it would have been nice for you to know she lived with girl A, so some confontations could have been avoided by cuddles at your apartment instead.

You should also establish that you will not tollerate, and should not be expected to tollerate, any violence eiether towards each other or yourself. if they can not act like adults just because they both had sex with you, neither is worth your time.

You can then open the panel for questions.

Uncle Long

The first girl doesn't want you. But she doesn't want the other girl to have you either. It's a competition thing.

The first girl should be ignored; reason is not your friend or useful in this situation. Calmly state that you like the second girl in the presence of the both to increase solidarity between you two and set a precedent for any future situations involving all three of you.

misbehavin

The only thing I feel bad about is the short time between the 2 relationships (only about a week). But the again, the first relationship only lasted 2 weeks, so I wasn't that busted up over it, so I didn't need much "getting over it" time, so it was easy to move on, but the girl must feel like I just jumped from her to another girl, you know?

But I appreciate the advice. Any other thoughts?

LondonBridge

I know this sounds weird but can't you have both girls, at the same time?!?

supabeast

Dating your ex’s roomate is the sort of dumb thing that Friends episodes are made of. At the minimum, stop going at it at her place; go to yours, if you live with your parents, get a room. Of course, there is another option you don’t seem to have noticed here—bang both of them. Simultaneously if you can make it happen, otherwise alternate.

JPArbiter

THis coming from the author of the girlfriend wants a girlfriend thread....

I do not think swinger comments will be helpful

Thanatos

I would say continue dating girl B (now named "Betty"), and avoid the first girl (now named "Alice").

It's possible Alice actually wants you back, but it's more likely that she just doesn't want Betty to have you (as someone said already). A confrontation is likely just to make the Betty's life a lot harder.

And in the future, use names.

DevoutlyApathetic

LondonBridge wrote: »

I know this sounds weird but can't you have both girls, at the same time?!?

Misbehavin, do not listen to the man above. A post search will quickly reveal why it's not the best idea to listen to him about relationship advice.

I'd also talk to Betty about how she'd like things to do and write off Alice.

EggyToast

It's more possible that Alice didn't want to decide, and Betty started talking about how nice he was. Now she's pissed off that she was an idiot.

misbehavin, just throw it in her face. She said "i don't want to be in a relationship," you respected that. As for her throwing a fit, tell her that you're no longer single, and that you like her as a friend. Tell her you had no idea that the girl was her roommate, but since you liked both of them it makes sense why they live together in the first place

Yar

I got together with my now-wife right after breaking up with her roommate. It can work, but it will likely involve the roommates separating from one another to a great extent.

Feral

JPArbiter wrote: »

Frankly the first gal had her shot, and she is done (sounds unstable anyway).

I would sit them both down and calmly explain the situation to each.

Girl A needs to understand that she was great for the short time you had, but it is in fact, over, and it was so at her request.

Girl B should be informed that it would have been nice for you to know she lived with girl A, so some confontations could have been avoided by cuddles at your apartment instead.

You should also establish that you will not tollerate, and should not be expected to tollerate, any violence eiether towards each other or yourself. if they can not act like adults just because they both had sex with you, neither is worth your time.

I agree with this. The only change I'd make is to talk to each girl seperately. This is not a three-way relationship; having both women in the room together at the same time for this important talk is only going to confound the situation.

I'm a big fan of treating adults like adults, even when they're behaving like children. I'd sit down with Alice, and tell her that she had her shot, and emphasize that what she's doing is just making things miserable for everybody.

That said, the type of people who could sustain this living situation indefinitely are few and far between. Recognize the very real possibility that Betty or Alice may simply have to move out and find somebody else who can take over their share of the lease.

an_alt

I would tell them they can mud wrestle for you. No matter who wins, keep dating Betty.

Don't be a prick about it, but you've done nothing wrong and neither has Betty. Even if you were to dump Betty for Alice, it wouldn't be any more comfortable and you don't know that she wouldn't change her mind again.

Obs

First off the other girl probably doesn't even care about a relationship, she probably just doesn't want her own FRIEND having one while she doesn't. Much less with someone she just fucked the otherday. jealousy. I bet if you never saw either of them again she wouldn't give a flying fuck.

ege02

JPArbiter wrote: »

Frankly the first gal had her shot, and she is done (sounds unstable anyway).

I would sit them both down and calmly explain the situation to each.

Girl A needs to understand that she was great for the short time you had, but it is in fact, over, and it was so at her request.

Girl B should be informed that it would have been nice for you to know she lived with girl A, so some confontations could have been avoided by cuddles at your apartment instead.

You should also establish that you will not tollerate, and should not be expected to tollerate, any violence eiether towards each other or yourself. if they can not act like adults just because they both had sex with you, neither is worth your time.

You can then open the panel for questions.

MichaelLC

I'd avoid the whole mess and get rid of Betty and Alice. See if Veronica is avalible?

Dating roommates, especiualy apparently slighty crazy ones, is how threads about repairing broken car windows and hospital insurance get created. It's not your fault Alice has a problem, but if you stay, now you're putting strain on you and Betty, and Betty and Alice.

DynamiteKid

I would say that regardless of the irrationality of the first girl, there's no need to provoke her necessarily. i.e. the cuddling probably isn't a wise move in the future even if you should be allowed to. Keep in mind girl two does live with girl one and prolonging this might be worse for her than for you.

Boundaries and compromise with a crazy person is still boundaries and compromise.

However it sounds like this is a big ol' tub of crazy that might not be worth your time to get your end away.

Shazkar Shadowstorm

Er, try hanging out not at her place?

MotherFirefly

Brad, I can't believe you posted this on PA

of all places...

We're going to have to talk later.

-Rachel (or, as so dubbed in the thread, "Betty)