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Transgender Cousin
italianranma
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I just learned that one of my cousins (born male) is transgendered and transitioning to female. From what I gather most of the family is being very supportive. Her father is a little upset about it and so is mine (though he has no reason to be in my mind) and it's being kept from the rest of the family that lives out of country. In any case I want to be supportive and would like to know a bit more about it. My cousin and I haven't been very close, mostly because we just grew up too far away from one another, but we have WoW and other video games in common, and she'll be over for Christmas. The advice I'm looking for where I can go to learn more about the process of transitioning (is that even what it's called?) and maybe some sites that talk a little more about what's common for transgendered girls as far as what sorts of common experiences (good and bad) they go through. I'd like to do more for her than just a hug and saying "I'm here for you."
飛べねぇ豚はただの豚だ。
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I am not going to try and summon/remember every trans person on the forums, so first three that pop into my head.
@Psykoma, @Dubh, and @Metalbourne who has made some helpful threads on this very forum where some things have been discussed / explained.
And yes, you can check through my profile for trans threads I've made, although they're SE threads so they're mostly about butts
you're assigned male or female at birth based on your bits
shorthand being AFAB, or AMAB
my biggest advice would be to listen
even allies have a hard time doing that
keep your ears open when she is talking about transition, and don't make doubting her your first reaction
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Having that gaming connection and playing WoW together or something may mean way more to her than you can imagine.
Something I didn't think about, though, until I befriended someone who is transgender, is don't ask too many questions. A lot of people are curious about transitioning, but the questions can be extremely personal. If she wants to talk about it, support her and listen, but if she doesn't, then don't ask anything you wouldn't otherwise.
These two go hand in hand. It's generally good to realize that the person is the same, just a girl now. Or, truthfully, they're just expressing that now but internally, that's the person they've been.
I get where you are coming from to some extent, but I think you are framing the situation incorrectly. You want her to know you love and support her? Then just treat her normally. That will convey everything right there that you want. Using the right name and pronouns, while carrying on as normal sends the message of support while also stating that you know she transitioned. The implied acceptance means a hell of a lot more than anything verbal.
Anything she wants help with she will ask for help with. You are trying to be proactive and frontline and that is great! Really I love how awesome you seem to be here. However you are getting into some deeply personal issues. Would you want someone to offer to help you pay for Viagra because older men sometimes have performance issues? Presumptuous, and shows no respect for personal boundaries right? Same thing here really. When she is ready to talk about it then listen. Listen some more. After a shit on of listening then offer it if she seems open to the offer. Where she goes with this, and on what timeline is entirely on her. Being ok with that can be frustrating to family members in my experience, but it really is important.
Even though it looks like my family is slow to support her, one nice thing is that she does have a great support network from her friends at school. Thanks again for all the advice. I'm trying to convince her to roll an Alliance alt, but I may have to cave in and finally make that hunter.
Which is awesome, but maybe check with her to see what she thinks. Like having a different race boyfriend come for the holidays, it's OK if they only serve him white rice. And that will make everyone friends according to Hollywood.
Some people I know who have transitioned want it to be the focal point of every conversation they are in, and that's cool! Finally getting to the point of living openly is a really huge thing in their lives, not unlike other major milestones like marriage or childbirth. A lot of folks want to talk about it and share a lot!
That said, most folks I know just want to be treated like they were always their transitioned gender and to move on as if everything else in the universe were unchanged. Depending on how your cousin is, you'll have to figure out what is appropriate in this instance.
Important bit is just to be supportive, accepting, and make sure you don't white knight unless specifically asked.
Just as you have accepted her gender, you must accept her allegiance to the Horde.
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561197970666737/
Lok'tar ogar! Victory or death - it is these words that bind me to the Horde. For they are the most sacred and fundamental of truths to any warrior of the Horde.
I give my flesh and blood freely to the Warchief. I am the instrument of my Warchief's desire. I am a weapon of my Warchief's command.
From this moment until the end of days I live and die - For the Horde!
like someone said above, some trans folk REALLY like to talk about it. Some others REALLY don't.
If your family gets "asky" or shitty about it at xmas gatherings, you can be a bit of a lightning rod, in the literal sense of you can ground out some of the BS, and that can at times be just as useful or moreso than other options. If someone's backing her into a corner, either with clumsy well-intentioned shit or negativity, just entering the situation and the conversation innocuously and being there so that horrible shit has to be said in front of a third party and awkward topics have the option of being changed can be a good and appreciated "rescue"
This is just my observation, but most people are good. And most people are better with their family and friends than they might be about some abstract member of a group on the news or fiction.
There's a reaction spectrum that will run between being totally cool with it, with maybe ignorance and a shocky adjustment period after a big announcement in the middle, to carved in stone Fred Phelps style bigotry. Some older people need more time with stuff like this, and others will sort of mourn not out of bigotry but because of a perception that a loved one is going to have a harder life.
Just being adult and cool about it and providing the example of honoring requests re naming and pronouns, just that specific thing, may be way more helpful than you think.
I host a podcast about movies.