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Not To Be a Dick, but...Do you Have one (Dating Advice!)

ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
edited January 2015 in Help / Advice Forum
Hello! I have a question that is both odd, and seemingly offensive, and am I unsure how to properly communicate it without sounding like, well, a dick.

So here's the deal - I online date a lot, I'm pretty successful, genuine, and am as honest as possible. I'm open minded and non-judgemental, but at the same time am steadfastly a straight male. However, in the crazy wild world of online dating, there's sort of a weird thing where sometimes when folks list their gender or sex as woman or 'non-binary' that I get a little confused.

Namely; I'd prefer to date people with lady parts. While many profiles are fairly obvious regarding this information, it seems the cooler a person is - the more into the stuff I am (Critical thinking, media studies, gaming, nerdy stuff) the obvious-to-not-sure ratio is higher, and versus spending weeks or days or multiple dates getting to know someone and finding out we are incompatible physically - I think a person's proverbial plumbing shouldn't be a secret?

Question 1: Does this make me an A-hole?

Now before you think I'm just messaging people and asking if they have a weiner or not - normally I don't bring this up until a couple of days into the conversation...and try to do it as delicately as possible.

For example:


<Profile mentions liking Pokemon and being into nerdy things and has some creative photos!>

Me: Hi there! I'm not going to Raichu a long-winded note , but I wanted to say hi, I think you're cute, and that we should chat! Meowth I do gotta say I diglet your interest in art, think your eyes are incredible, and can't bayleaf you're friends with a giant Polarbear!

So, let's chat! Who knows, maybe we'll be whisked away on a Magickarpet ride of romantic adventure!

Them: Omg magikarpet ride thats awesome. That was a wonderful compilation of pokemon im impressed.

Also, hi! how are you?

Me: I'm great. How are [email protected]!

Them: Im good! so. do you play pokemon?

Me: I'm like 14 hours into sapphire on my emulator on my phone! I name my pokemon after current events :P

Them: oh, cool! i like that game a lot, expecially the remakes *u*

Me: Nice! So how goes the dating life?

Them: it goes okay, what about you?

Me: Not bad! Can I be potentially offensive and ask since you identify as non-binary what your "cis" gender is?

(is cis the right term? I try and keep up on these sorts of things and always get confused at all the new terms and definitions and am paranoid about asking these sorts of questions the wrong way!)

Potential Date: "yeah, sorry it is kinda offensive, considering what you are asking me is either the state of my genitals or wondering what gender i do not prefer to identify as any longer... doesnt sound like decent polite conversation. "

This conversation took place over the course of three days, and I think I was pretty decent in regards to asking my question.

Question 2:

In much the same way if a lovely lady wants to see a full body photo of myself to make sure I'm not shaped like a giant chicken nugget, or inquires if I smoke, have kids, have all my teeth, how big my willie is, or what my various political leanings are - Shouldn't I, despite being a privileged white straight suburban male - be allowed to know whether or not someone I'm interested in is compatible with me sexually?

I've asked this question to a few LGBT friends I have - and the response has generally been laughing and "don't worry about it so much, if there's a connection it'll work out" to which I say isn't that the reverse of the effed up "You're just a lesbian because you never had a real man" logic you hear from time to time?

I've run into this quite a few times, I have even gotten reported for asking (when I ask I always make a point to do it in the way depicted above - I don't use crass language, and I try to be as gentle and honest as possible).

I have tried my darnedest to learn the proper terms for proper people, from pansexual to androgynous , to MTF to FTM to ATM and most things in-between - and I can't seem to figure out a way to figure this out without being regarded as bigot.

Question 3: Would it just be better to bite the bullet and include in my profile that I am interested in biological women only? I have a bad feeling that's a great way to piss off a lot of folks.


ANTVGM64 on
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Posts

  • DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    MagicToasterXaquinJuliusAegeriDehumanizedRear Admiral ChocoRhesus Positivenoir_bloodNartwakNocrenspool32Richyazith28EncDaenristynicSkeithA Dabble Of TheloniuscabsyLiiyaMrVyngaardDarkewolfeAngelinaGreenEvigilantmysticjuicerAlbino Bunny
  • WybornWyborn GET EQUIPPED Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    I cannot think of a scenario in which asking that question is a good idea. If a person is trans or otherwise not cisgender, that information is to be parsed out at their discretion, not yours. More: if they're transgender or non-binary and you ask that question, you have probably wounded them deeply. If they're cisgender and you ask that question, you have probably wounded them deeply.

    Be attracted to whatever, do or don't do whoever, it's your body and you can do what or who you want with it

    But no, there's no way for you to ask that question without coming across as thoughtless or malicious in the extreme

    The other person was absolutely right to call you out on it and it's something you should avoid in the future, because it's not your business until they decide they want to let you touch their junk

    If you feel that the only way for you to fairly avoid the question is to include in your profile that you're only interested in cis women, then it's probably best for you to do so

    Wyborn on
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    Delmain
  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    There is no polite way to ask something like that.

    You're not an asshole for being attracted to what you are attracted to, or not being attracted to what you are not attracted to. You can't help that. But it's kinda goosey of you to bring it up. Yes, that may mean you end up going on date(s) with people who you ultimately do not end up fully compatible with. But really, there are a multitude of reasons why you may not end up compatible with a date that seemed promising at first.

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  • DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    Er...they've already identified themselves. If they list non-binary that pretty much means they've already labeled themselves as "Not for ANTVGM64". It's dickish to make them tell him that individually.

    Rereading there is some ambiguity to "woman" that I rolled into the non-binary thing. I may be off base here myself but people who are not cis-gendered (and not enormous assholes) will realize this is a potential issue and will initiate any needed clarification.

    Delmain
  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    I wasn't speaking about his specific example. I was solely addressing the question "Is it rude to ask a person of their genitals?" at large.

    (I can vouch for @Wyborn about this being the case for his response too, as we were conversing about this issue.)

    SilverWind on
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    WybornDr. Gero
  • DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    Ah, yeah. Got it. I was just kind of appalled of taking people who have publicly identified as "non-binary", which takes no small amount of courage given our world, and immediately asking "A or B?"

    Plus side, it made me reread the OP and notice that "woman" was included in this which is....uh, yeah.

    I think I'll just stick with that rude answer.

    MichaelLCUsagi
  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Your comfort zone aside, a persons junk is their own damn business until they decide to trust you with that information

    WybornRainfallRear Admiral Chococabsy
  • SilverWindSilverWind Registered User regular
    Yeah, it's kind of a double slap on the face to ask someone identifying as non-binary a question like that. But it was a slap to the face to anyone to begin with, so

    I kinda stuck with the shorter answer

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    Switch: SW-7603-3284-4227 - 3DS: 0473-7774-3652
  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Yes it is rude to ask.

    If they mark Other, Unspecified, whatever, then best if you just keep moving.

    Mugsley wrote:
    So now I need to get it trimmed and adjusted, and all in.

    Steam:MichaelLC
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2015
    If you only want to date cis, say you only want to date cis in your profile. It's the easiest way for you not to have to ask.

    And really, you shouldn't ask.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    UsagiRear Admiral ChocoPsykomaA Dabble Of TheloniusPhoenix-DDelmain
  • ANTVGM64ANTVGM64 Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    If you only want to date cis, say you only want to date cis in your profile. It's the easiest way for you not to have to ask.


    See but my thing is I'm not opposed to dating non-cis, I've dated women who have identified as non-binary before and were older / masculine / queer and have a hell of a time - just for me...as juvinile as this sounds, the idea of crossing proverbial swords isn't my cup of tea, really?

  • Squidget0Squidget0 Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    I would expect most dating partners to ask this. I would not be offended if they were reasonably respectful about doing so. It seems like highly important information for most anyone making the decision about whether to date me.

    Different trans people are different, obviously. Some people will be offended by the question, no matter how you ask it. Some will be offended depending on how you frame it (Anything that resembles "But are you REALLY a woman?" is a bad framing.) Some just won't care much at all and are open about it. Other than framing it as respectfully as you can, you pretty much would just have to ask what you want to know.

    For what it's worth, I don't think that you are at all juvenile at all for having physical preferences about who you want to date. People have all kinds of dating preferences. So long as you are open about it I don't see the problem.

    Squidget0 on
    Arch wrote: »
    the lynch mob is a feature, not a bug in the democratic system
    bowenAgahnim
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2015
    Yeah I don't know what to tell you. Meet people in person? But even then you may find a woman/nonbinary/queer/whatever person who has a penis and you wouldn't have expected that, and you will hurt people's feelings if you ask. If you don't want to risk looking like a huge dick to the other person, don't ask. Online, in person, wherever, we're still people and still have feelings that you will often hurt if you ask if we have a penis, for one reason or another.

    If I tell you that I do or don't and that's a dealbreaker for you.. fine. I can respect that. I don't like to get needlessly attached, so for myself I would be likely to do that earlier, but not everyone would. But if you're asking if there is a way to ask that won't make you look like a jerk, the answer is no.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • HollerHoller Registered User regular
    As a woman who has used dating sites, I would absolutely never ask a guy how big his dick is in the middle of a getting-to-know-you conversation. Even if it was something I considered important to my sexual satisfaction, asking someone you don't know about their genitalia, especially around a topic that might be sensitive (in this case, a lot of guys really have weird shitty baggage and anxiety about their dick size), will make you seem creepy and shitty to the huge majority of people. Unless you are looking for a hookup on a forum specifically designed to match genitals with the genitals they want into/onto, do not ask about genitals before meeting someone.

    Beyond the simple fact of it being boorish as fuck, in the above scenario, if you give me a size that doesn't meet my expectation, there are vanishingly small odds that I will then harass you on a scale ranging from a string of insults that play into a shitload of overt abuse you've likely already faced, to outright threatening your physical safety. Trans people do not have that same luxury.


    Suffice to say, this is really not a thing that you should, at any point, be asking. If it is information they feel you need, they will make it known to you. I would hazard a guess that for most trans people, there is a point in a relationship where this is something they disclose verbally as a practical concern for both addressing your potential as a pair, and as a safety precaution given the unfortunate reality/culture we live in and the preponderance of violently anti-trans people out there.

    And from a practical standpoint, it sounds from your description like I am right in the middle of your target audience, and in the scenario you pasted in, I also would have immediately rejected you and never looked back (except to maybe show my friends how amazingly quickly conversations on dating sites can go from fun to totally creepy and shitty).

    Not to put too fine a point on it, I understand being totally straight and not wanting to be intimate with genitalia that does nothing for you, but right now you are coming off as someone for whom being confronted by a possibly-homosexual-seeming-moment is terrifying enough that you are asking people about their genitals before you even meet them, out of left field, right in the middle of a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with that. You are coming off as homophobic in the most literal sense of the word, and it is probably going to be very offputting to the variety of people it sounds like you're going for.

    SilverWindAegeriRear Admiral ChocoCelestialBadgertyniccabsyForarAngelinaAlbino Bunny
  • Squidget0Squidget0 Registered User regular
    Holler wrote: »
    Not to put too fine a point on it, I understand being totally straight and not wanting to be intimate with genitalia that does nothing for you, but right now you are coming off as someone for whom being confronted by a possibly-homosexual-seeming-moment is terrifying enough that you are asking people about their genitals before you even meet them, out of left field, right in the middle of a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with that. You are coming off as homophobic in the most literal sense of the word, and it is probably going to be very offputting to the variety of people it sounds like you're going for.

    Are you talking about dating sites, or platonic friendships?

    Because I submit that dating is a conversation that, for many people, actually has quite a lot to do with that. It's probably the only conversation (other than those one would have with a medical professional) that actually does.

    Arch wrote: »
    the lynch mob is a feature, not a bug in the democratic system
    Julius
  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu ___________PIGEON _________San Diego, CA Registered User regular
    There are various things that, unfortunately, can be both:

    1. Deal-breakers for someone, relationship-wise, and
    2. Too private to ask about until you know someone better than "not at all."

    This leaves you with two options. Option one is to avoid anyone who potentially has a dick. Option two is to put up with the fact that occasionally, once you know someone well enough to ask about whether they've got a dick, it will turn out they've got a dick, at which point you'll learn that you two aren't romantically compatible and you'll have spent a bit of time dating someone who is never going to be more than a friend for you.

    You're at least lucky that your deal-breaker is something that you can at least guess at, most of the time. Cis dudes have dicks like 99.9% of the time, cis women don't have dicks like 99.9% of the time, and sometimes it's not too tough to make educated guesses about people who don't identify as cis-whatever on the gender spectrum. There are other deal-breakers, like "I don't date people who aren't willing to shit on me at some point when we're having sex" that are much harder to figure out until you know someone a bit better. That's just life!

    As others have pointed out, you're not an asshole for preferring to date dickless people, but it would be assholey to probe people about their genitals if they haven't given any indication that they're happy to talk about their genitals with strangers. I'm not going to ask you how big your dick is or whether you're circumcised or whether you've got both balls or whatever, because that's rude. It's doubly rude to question people who don't identify as cis-whatever, because these people constantly get tons of shit about their genitals and all sorts of other private things from society at large, which thinks there's some sort of right to know what, for instance, a trans* person has between their legs, which is totally false. If someone wants to keep that private, they can.

    JuliusJebus314
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    what's the worst case scenario here, that you find out during dinner or something that the person you're on a date with is trans? This is the kind of thing that probably comes up well before being intimate is something that's on the table

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    or do you believe?
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  • HollerHoller Registered User regular
    Squidget0 wrote: »
    Holler wrote: »
    Not to put too fine a point on it, I understand being totally straight and not wanting to be intimate with genitalia that does nothing for you, but right now you are coming off as someone for whom being confronted by a possibly-homosexual-seeming-moment is terrifying enough that you are asking people about their genitals before you even meet them, out of left field, right in the middle of a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with that. You are coming off as homophobic in the most literal sense of the word, and it is probably going to be very offputting to the variety of people it sounds like you're going for.

    Are you talking about dating sites, or platonic friendships?

    Because I submit that dating is a conversation that, for many people, actually has quite a lot to do with that. It's probably the only conversation (other than those one would have with a medical professional) that actually does.
    I'm not saying it shouldn't be important to him, or that it should never be discussed. I'm saying if you ask it right out of the gate instead of letting the other person disclose to you when they feel comfortable, you're going to look like a huge jackass.

    OP definitely doesn't have to stop doing it if he feels it's a good approach, but he asked:
    Does this make me an A-hole? I can't say for sure if this is the one thing that tips it and makes him An Asshole, but I can tell you he will certainly come off that way to many women in his target demographic.
    Shouldn't I, despite being a privileged white straight suburban male - be allowed to know whether or not someone I'm interested in is compatible with me sexually? Yes, but anyone who thinks going around demanding strangers tell you about their genitals is a good way to get dates is delusional (and probably dateless).
    Would it just be better to bite the bullet and include in my profile that I am interested in biological women only? I have a bad feeling that's a great way to piss off a lot of folks. Yes to parts A and B, probably. Putting this disclaimer out front will certainly ward off people in possession of a penis, but given the described target demographic of his profile, it may be offputting to others as well.

    But it won't be nearly as fucking offputting as asking a stranger if they have a dick or not so I guess I would go with that last option?

    ceres
  • QuidQuid I don't... what... hnnng Registered User regular
    You're perfectly fine feeling the way you do. That said you aren't ever going to have to worry about a t-lady surprising you with their junk either. I all but guarantee it's something they'll want you to know about before sleeping with you.

    If you want to avoid being off putting I would just consider it one of those deal breakers that you only find out by getting to know a person.

    PsykomaceresJuliustyniccabsyRear Admiral Choco
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    I'm going to buck the trend and say no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone if they're a boy or girl, or, the 2015 version, "are you a cisgender female?" The 1994 version of this was "A/S/L", so, it's been an online dating thing for at least 20 years at this point. Sexual identity has changed in that 20 year span where "S" is no longer enough to discern a dating compatibility.

    Be polite. If it matters to the person that their privates remain private and you were rude to ask then you are not compatible and don't press the issue.

    Ladies.
  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    I believe at least OKCupid now gives the option to label oneself as "trans".

    So yeah..just stay away from those profiles?

  • PsykomaPsykoma Registered User regular
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »
    I think a person's proverbial plumbing shouldn't be a secret?

    Your opinion there is objectively wrong.
    No-one has an intrinsic right to know another person's genitalia.

    If you can't handle the fact that some of the women you may be attracted to online have dicks, then well, only date people you have personal references for?
    There's no way to ask in the beginning messages which won't make you appear an asshole - to trans or cis women.

    UsagiRainfallcabsySilverWindRear Admiral Chococeres
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2015
    bowen wrote: »
    I'm going to buck the trend and say no, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone if they're a boy or girl, or, the 2015 version, "are you a cisgender female?" The 1994 version of this was "A/S/L", so, it's been an online dating thing for at least 20 years at this point. Sexual identity has changed in that 20 year span where "S" is no longer enough to discern a dating compatibility.

    Be polite. If it matters to the person that their privates remain private and you were rude to ask then you are not compatible and don't press the issue.

    There is kind of a lot wrong with this post. We aren't talking about sexuality, we're talking about gender identity versus assigned-at-birth. When you ask someone if they're female and they have a penis, they are probably not lying unless they're trolling the site in which case they won't tell you and you will likely never meet them anyway. Asking someone if they have a penis is different from asking someone their gender, and that isn't new, it's just more recognized now. Without understanding that you aren't even answering the right question.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    PsykomaUsagi
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    I figured I approached that topic when I said , "...'S' is no longer enough to discern a dating compatibility." Gender versus sex and wanting both of them to align as cisgender and cissexual. That is also why I said "cisgender female" at first, to cover both sex and gender.

    I thought that was very clear and rational when I was posting it. Apologies.

    Ladies.
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    It just seems like this is the solution. If you're uninterested in dating anyone except those who are now and have always been the gender you're attracted to, then don't look at people other than that on a dating site.

    I'm not sure how this is an actual problem!

    Xaquin
  • hsuhsu Registered User regular
    Option one is to avoid anyone who potentially has a dick.
    I'm going to highlight this statement, because since this is one ANTVGM64's dating deal breakers, this is his best course of action. Even if it means he might inadvertently overlook a few people.

    iTNdmYl.png
    spool32Juliusbowen
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    bowen wrote: »
    I figured I approached that topic when I said , "...'S' is no longer enough to discern a dating compatibility." Gender versus sex and wanting both of them to align as cisgender and cissexual. That is also why I said "cisgender female" at first, to cover both sex and gender.

    I thought that was very clear and rational when I was posting it. Apologies.

    Was S ever enough to discern a dating compatibility?

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    cabsyTychoCelchuuu
  • Pure DinPure Din Boston-areaRegistered User regular
    ANTVGM64 wrote: »

    Me: Not bad! Can I be potentially offensive and ask since you identify as non-binary what your "cis" gender is?

    (is cis the right term? I try and keep up on these sorts of things and always get confused at all the new terms and definitions and am paranoid about asking these sorts of questions the wrong way!)

    "Cis" isn't quite the word you're looking for here, cisgender is like, if the equipment you were born with matches the identity that you have now. So someone who identifies as transgender or non-binary is not cisgender.

    ceresJuliusTychoCelchuuuRear Admiral Choco
  • PsykomaPsykoma Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    spool32 wrote: »
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    It just seems like this is the solution. If you're uninterested in dating anyone except those who are now and have always been the gender you're attracted to, then don't look at people other than that on a dating site.

    I'm not sure how this is an actual problem!

    Trans people are under no obligation to use the Trans prefix on dating sites.

    Psykoma on
    UsagicabsyPhoenix-DDehumanizedceresAlbino Bunny
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    Psykoma wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    It just seems like this is the solution. If you're uninterested in dating anyone except those who are now and have always been the gender you're attracted to, then don't look at people other than that on a dating site.

    I'm not sure how this is an actual problem!

    Trans people are under no obligation to use the Trans suffix on dating sites.

    they certainly are not; obvious statement is obvious.

    however

    if the point is to find a person you want to date who also wants to date you

    it seems optimal to narrow the pool to those people who you're compatible with and also to help others exclude themselves if they believe they wouldn't be compatible with you.


    We're not talking about a job application here. The whole point is to find a date, one that might lead to a relationship of some sort where you both want to have sex with one another.

    Getting your dealbreakers on the table early seems like it would be a good idea. But maybe this is just me not knowing what dating sites are for nowadays? It's been 20 years since I met someone online and got married to her.

    spool32 on
    bowenXaquinAgahnim
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    We're not going to get into that here as I'm sure there are other threads in other places that are more than equipped to discuss the intricacies of dating sites. Keep it to addressing advice toward the OP, please.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • PsykomaPsykoma Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    Psykoma wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    It just seems like this is the solution. If you're uninterested in dating anyone except those who are now and have always been the gender you're attracted to, then don't look at people other than that on a dating site.

    I'm not sure how this is an actual problem!

    Trans people are under no obligation to use the Trans suffix on dating sites.

    they certainly are not; obvious statement is obvious.

    however

    if the point is to find a person you want to date who also wants to date you

    it seems optimal to narrow the pool to those people who you're compatible with and also to help others exclude themselves if they believe they wouldn't be compatible with you.


    We're not talking about a job application here. The whole point is to find a date, one that might lead to a relationship of some sort where you both want to have sex with one another.

    Getting your dealbreakers on the table early seems like it would be a good idea. But maybe this is just me not knowing what dating sites are for nowadays? It's been 20 years since I met someone online and got married to her.

    Yes, he can put it in his profile that he won't date a pre-srs trans woman, he would come across as crass but yeah.
    The implication that he could always tell someone who is trans (aka: "then don't look at people other than that on a dating site") is faulty though.

    tynicRear Admiral Choco
  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    I mean, just from a personal safety and information stand point, what makes you think after asking a girl if she likes Pokemon shes going to tell you about her downstairs situation? There's no built trust, she doesn't know if you perhaps know one of her coworkers and feel like that that information is not insanely private (and you're kinda demonstrating that you don't). Maybe after a few dates she'd trust that you aren't going to meet a mutual party and go "Oh X? I know her, I was going to go on a date with her but it turns out she has a penis! Woah nelly!"

    Even as someone who is using dating sites for more casual relationships, My first barrier is a platonic drink so I can get a sense of character. For that first bit of conversation questions about my vagina would rule the person out. Framing it with better vocabulary or flowery language does not change the question either. I've had dudes ask me really dumb questions about my race, or weight, but think if they say "body positive" or similar terms they will not seem like they are being a jerk. They are.

    Its totally legitimate to have preferences but if you are going to interact with people who clearly have more open and flexible ideas of gender, its kinda fucked up to be pretending to go with the flow and then put the breaks on mid conversation. If you don't have the time or patience to get to know people who may fall into this category, then work on your filtering system, its not their job to disclose to you on day 2.

    PsykomaceresHollertynicspool32cabsySilverWindDehumanizedTychoCelchuuuRear Admiral ChocoAngelinaNightDragonSeattle ThreadAlbino Bunny
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I would not find it appropriate for someone to ask me about my genitalia over the internet, FYI. As someone who spent about a year after I joined being asked about my breasts, that can fuck right off. I am not interested in talking about my body with someone before I know them, and I find questions about it in general pretty rude before that point.

    I don't find anything wrong with not wanting to date someone with a penis, but I really think you should specify that in your profile. That way you don't have to ask, someone who is offended won't bother with you, and everyone can move on with their lives.

    Never be the one to start a conversation with someone who identifies as nonbinary and then ask. Just don't do it. It looks awful and I don't think there's any way around it looking awful.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    PsykomaUsagiPhoenix-DTychoCelchuuu
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    If you have to ask, for you the answer is probably "no." You seem to be wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You want a daring woman who laughs at gender boundaries but you yourself prefer strict gender boundaries. You can't have it both ways. You want it exotic... but not too exotic. It's like saying the woman you will love must be an ambitious and independent feminist and then getting mad when she doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mother when you have kids.

    Since you can't deal with ambiguity, avoid ambiguous profiles. There are still plenty of fish in the sea. You might, what, count out about as much as 1% of profiles by avoiding the ambiguous ones.

  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited January 2015
    I find it more than a little offensive to suggest that Ambitious Feminist and Stay-At-Home Mother are opposed concepts and you can't reasonably expect to have both in the same woman.

    That is a legit awful and ignorant thing to suggest, and I'm surprised to see it from you, Celestial.

    spool32 on
    Sir LandsharkAgahnim
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Psykoma wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    Psykoma wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    If the plumbing is an absolute drop dead stop for you then you really should stop looking at profiles that identify as anything other than that.

    Full Stop.

    It just seems like this is the solution. If you're uninterested in dating anyone except those who are now and have always been the gender you're attracted to, then don't look at people other than that on a dating site.

    I'm not sure how this is an actual problem!

    Trans people are under no obligation to use the Trans suffix on dating sites.

    they certainly are not; obvious statement is obvious.

    however

    if the point is to find a person you want to date who also wants to date you

    it seems optimal to narrow the pool to those people who you're compatible with and also to help others exclude themselves if they believe they wouldn't be compatible with you.


    We're not talking about a job application here. The whole point is to find a date, one that might lead to a relationship of some sort where you both want to have sex with one another.

    Getting your dealbreakers on the table early seems like it would be a good idea. But maybe this is just me not knowing what dating sites are for nowadays? It's been 20 years since I met someone online and got married to her.

    Yes, he can put it in his profile that he won't date a pre-srs trans woman, he would come across as crass but yeah.
    The implication that he could always tell someone who is trans (aka: "then don't look at people other than that on a dating site") is faulty though.

    Sorry you read that into my comment - I didn't intend to suggest anything except that he ought to do so. All my responses were directed at the OP - how he can narrow his dating pool, how he should get his dealbreakers out in the open early, how he can help people exclude themselves from his set of contacts.

  • PsykomaPsykoma Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    I find it more than a little offensive to suggest that Ambitious Feminist and Stay-At-Home Mother are opposed concepts and you can't reasonably expect to have both in the same woman.

    That is a legit awful and ignorant thing to suggest, and I'm surprised to see it from you, Celestial.

    It's not that you can't have ambitious feminists who want to be stay-at-home moms, it's that when you want an ambitious feminist S/O, you can't be upset if she doesn't want to be a SAH mom.

    tynicUsagiAngelinaAlbino Bunny
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Psykoma wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    I find it more than a little offensive to suggest that Ambitious Feminist and Stay-At-Home Mother are opposed concepts and you can't reasonably expect to have both in the same woman.

    That is a legit awful and ignorant thing to suggest, and I'm surprised to see it from you, Celestial.

    It's not that you can't have ambitious feminists who want to be stay-at-home moms, it's that when you want an ambitious feminist S/O, you can't be upset if she doesn't want to be a SAH mom.

    Why not? The two concepts are entirely, completely aligned with each other. There's no dissonance whatsoever.

  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    I don't think it's a thing you should be asking about.

    I mean, it's pretty personal, and pretty... well, not cool to ask about unless you REALLY know them well.

    You might be into a person and find out later that they don't have the equipment you want sure... but if it's getting serious they should be bringing it up to you on their own, because it's a thing they don't want to get rejected for themselves after they have put in a lot of time/emotion into you.

    If they don't? Well, sucks for sure... but there's plenty of other potential things that wind up being dealbreakers down the road.

    I'd suggest just staying away from profiles that are being way too ambiguous about their physiological gender for a start.

    And for the rest, just live and learn. Maybe you will take a few lumps from an awkward situation, but that's life.

    spool32Rear Admiral Choco
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