Hello! I have a question that is both odd, and seemingly offensive, and am I unsure how to properly communicate it without sounding like, well, a dick.
So here's the deal - I online date a lot, I'm pretty successful, genuine, and am as honest as possible. I'm open minded and non-judgemental, but at the same time am steadfastly a straight male. However, in the crazy wild world of online dating, there's sort of a weird thing where sometimes when folks list their gender or sex as woman or 'non-binary' that I get a little confused.
Namely; I'd prefer to date people with lady parts. While many profiles are fairly obvious regarding this information, it seems the cooler a person is - the more into the stuff I am (Critical thinking, media studies, gaming, nerdy stuff) the obvious-to-not-sure ratio is higher, and versus spending weeks or days or multiple dates getting to know someone and finding out we are incompatible physically - I think a person's proverbial plumbing shouldn't be a secret?
Question 1: Does this make me an A-hole?
Now before you think I'm just messaging people and asking if they have a weiner or not - normally I don't bring this up until a couple of days into the conversation...and try to do it as delicately as possible.
<Profile mentions liking Pokemon and being into nerdy things and has some creative photos!>
Me: Hi there! I'm not going to Raichu a long-winded note , but I wanted to say hi, I think you're cute, and that we should chat! Meowth I do gotta say I diglet your interest in art, think your eyes are incredible, and can't bayleaf you're friends with a giant Polarbear!
So, let's chat! Who knows, maybe we'll be whisked away on a Magickarpet ride of romantic adventure!
Them: Omg magikarpet ride thats awesome. That was a wonderful compilation of pokemon im impressed.
Also, hi! how are you?
Me: I'm great. How are [email protected]
Them: Im good! so. do you play pokemon?
Me: I'm like 14 hours into sapphire on my emulator on my phone! I name my pokemon after current events
Them: oh, cool! i like that game a lot, expecially the remakes *u*
Me: Nice! So how goes the dating life?
Them: it goes okay, what about you?
Me: Not bad! Can I be potentially offensive and ask since you identify as non-binary what your "cis" gender is?
(is cis the right term? I try and keep up on these sorts of things and always get confused at all the new terms and definitions and am paranoid about asking these sorts of questions the wrong way!)
Potential Date: "yeah, sorry it is kinda offensive, considering what you are asking me is either the state of my genitals or wondering what gender i do not prefer to identify as any longer... doesnt sound like decent polite conversation. "
This conversation took place over the course of three days, and I think I was pretty decent in regards to asking my question.
In much the same way if a lovely lady wants to see a full body photo of myself to make sure I'm not shaped like a giant chicken nugget, or inquires if I smoke, have kids, have all my teeth, how big my willie is, or what my various political leanings are - Shouldn't I, despite being a privileged white straight suburban male - be allowed to know whether or not someone I'm interested in is compatible with me sexually?
I've asked this question to a few LGBT friends I have - and the response has generally been laughing and "don't worry about it so much, if there's a connection it'll work out" to which I say isn't that the reverse of the effed up "You're just a lesbian because you never had a real man" logic you hear from time to time?
I've run into this quite a few times, I have even gotten reported for asking (when I ask I always make a point to do it in the way depicted above - I don't use crass language, and I try to be as gentle and honest as possible).
I have tried my darnedest to learn the proper terms for proper people, from pansexual to androgynous , to MTF to FTM to ATM and most things in-between - and I can't seem to figure out a way to figure this out without being regarded as bigot.
Question 3: Would it just be better to bite the bullet and include in my profile that I am interested in biological women only? I have a bad feeling that's a great way to piss off a lot of folks.