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New girlfriend, bedroom issues, body confidence and confessions
Wubwubwub
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User new member
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User new member
So first of all yes, this is partly a sex question, but also about body confidence and how honest I should be with my new girlfriend.
I've been seeing this girl for just over a month, and we had our first sexual encounter this weekend. I say "sexual encounter" because I'm not sure if it actually counts as sex or not. Things were getting pretty heavy on the couch, I was all fired up and ready to go right then and there, when she stopped me and asked if she could go change and take her hair down, and move things into the bedroom. So of course I oblige her, although I'm completely soft by the time we make it into the bedroom, and to my surprise she insists on turning the lights out. What followed was an awkward fumble in which I think I kissed her nose at least twice, but eventually found my way to the fun parts and went to town with my tongue... and only my tongue, because I was completely unable to get hard. It was all going well enough until she asked me to put it in, and I of course couldn't. She eventually finished herself with some assistance from me, and I didn't finish, or even start for that matter.
She seemed understanding, but it was a pretty big blow to my self-confidence to be honest. But worse, I tried again in the morning, and she told me she "doesn't like it in the morning". I asked if it was the light level that was the issue, and she just reiterated that she "doesn't like it in the morning", so I decided not to push her, and my morning glory went to waste. Gah.
My first problem is I don't know if this is going to work long-term if this is going to be the only way she ever wants to do it. I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't want to, but at the same time it seems pretty odd that she let me put my tongue in her, and yet I still haven't actually seen her with her clothes off! I don't know if she has body confidence issues which are causing her to want to only do it with the lights off, but it seems possible. She's pretty tall for a girl; about 5'11 and almost the same height as me, not really overweight but with a bit of padding, which I really like incidentally, but I'm not sure if she feels the same way about herself. I'm considering suggesting candlelight next time as a compromise so that I can actually see what I'm doing, but ultimately if she has body hangups maybe I need to address the problem at the root. I want her to know I love the way she looks, and that I need to actually be able to see her to do my thing properly, but if I push too hard she might just shut me down completely and I don't want that. Also if I guess wrong and she's actually fine with her body and the lights thing is down to something else I could look like an idiot.
But there's another issue at play here, something I haven't told her yet. She's 23, and I'm in my late twenties, and that awkward fumble was my first time. Ever. Hopefully you can all understand why I haven't told her this yet, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should. Best case scenario she's inexperienced herself and I'll put her at ease, worst case she'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me and bolt. The second one doesn't seem all that likely, but you know, its a concern. And would probably destroy me.
We're both busy until valentine's day, which is when I'm seeing her next. We're going to a restaurant she likes and then back to my place for movie night, and I'm wondering what to bring up when. Obviously "I am a nearly 30-year-old virgin" is something I'd rather not bring up in public! So basically, I think I know what I need to say, I need to reassure her that I love the way she looks and want to see more of her if she's willing, and either come clean completely that I'm a virgin or at least let her know that my experience level isn't great to hopefully put her mind at ease. But its going to be a hell of a conversation and putting all that into words is going to be tricky.
Help me, internet!
I've been seeing this girl for just over a month, and we had our first sexual encounter this weekend. I say "sexual encounter" because I'm not sure if it actually counts as sex or not. Things were getting pretty heavy on the couch, I was all fired up and ready to go right then and there, when she stopped me and asked if she could go change and take her hair down, and move things into the bedroom. So of course I oblige her, although I'm completely soft by the time we make it into the bedroom, and to my surprise she insists on turning the lights out. What followed was an awkward fumble in which I think I kissed her nose at least twice, but eventually found my way to the fun parts and went to town with my tongue... and only my tongue, because I was completely unable to get hard. It was all going well enough until she asked me to put it in, and I of course couldn't. She eventually finished herself with some assistance from me, and I didn't finish, or even start for that matter.
She seemed understanding, but it was a pretty big blow to my self-confidence to be honest. But worse, I tried again in the morning, and she told me she "doesn't like it in the morning". I asked if it was the light level that was the issue, and she just reiterated that she "doesn't like it in the morning", so I decided not to push her, and my morning glory went to waste. Gah.
My first problem is I don't know if this is going to work long-term if this is going to be the only way she ever wants to do it. I don't want to make her do anything she doesn't want to, but at the same time it seems pretty odd that she let me put my tongue in her, and yet I still haven't actually seen her with her clothes off! I don't know if she has body confidence issues which are causing her to want to only do it with the lights off, but it seems possible. She's pretty tall for a girl; about 5'11 and almost the same height as me, not really overweight but with a bit of padding, which I really like incidentally, but I'm not sure if she feels the same way about herself. I'm considering suggesting candlelight next time as a compromise so that I can actually see what I'm doing, but ultimately if she has body hangups maybe I need to address the problem at the root. I want her to know I love the way she looks, and that I need to actually be able to see her to do my thing properly, but if I push too hard she might just shut me down completely and I don't want that. Also if I guess wrong and she's actually fine with her body and the lights thing is down to something else I could look like an idiot.
But there's another issue at play here, something I haven't told her yet. She's 23, and I'm in my late twenties, and that awkward fumble was my first time. Ever. Hopefully you can all understand why I haven't told her this yet, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should. Best case scenario she's inexperienced herself and I'll put her at ease, worst case she'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me and bolt. The second one doesn't seem all that likely, but you know, its a concern. And would probably destroy me.
We're both busy until valentine's day, which is when I'm seeing her next. We're going to a restaurant she likes and then back to my place for movie night, and I'm wondering what to bring up when. Obviously "I am a nearly 30-year-old virgin" is something I'd rather not bring up in public! So basically, I think I know what I need to say, I need to reassure her that I love the way she looks and want to see more of her if she's willing, and either come clean completely that I'm a virgin or at least let her know that my experience level isn't great to hopefully put her mind at ease. But its going to be a hell of a conversation and putting all that into words is going to be tricky.
Help me, internet!
Wubwubwub on
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And you don't need to really "come clean" about anything, being a virgin isn't anything to feel shame over. Sex with a new partner is pretty awkward, no matter if it is your first or tenth, the only thing that solves that is being open with your partner and learning about each other. Have fun! Joke, laugh, flirt, ask, touch, go with it! Hot steamy sex comes after you get to know one another better.
edit:And best case scenario is she isn't inexperienced and she is cool with showing you the ropes, you think that was awkward, two virgins in a room trying to figure it out is a train wreck.
and don't feel like you have to plan talking about your own virginity. the right time will come up sooner or later.
2. The biggest lie we tell each other about sex is that the first time is special. It's not. It's embarrassing and awkward and more boners are lost than can ever be counted.
3. Just talk to her about the thing with the lights. Let her know you understand if she has any insecurities because that is actually pretty common.
4. She already knows it's your first time. Don't worry about it.
A lot of people don't like it in the morning, not because of the the light but because we are still tired and groggy. There are definitely morning encounters I've had that I enjoyed, but there are others that made me super resentful cause I felt like I was just going through the motions and servicing a guy's need to use his morning wood even though I didn't feel all that into it. Trust me. That gets more awkward than what you've already experienced.
Don't stress about this hun. It's not all fireworks. The best thing is learning about what you and your partner like over time and there may be a few false starts here and there. If you guys really like each other you'll rebound and keep trying.
Everything else is just talking to her about it.
No shit. the worst is laying there and getting cold while watching his self worth plummet. It's not all about you! Keep me warm! Make out with me!
I can see both sides of the issue, but sorry probably not gonna happen for most sensitive guys during the internal downward spiral of "Penis, we talked about this, what are you doing you are making me look like a fool you have brought shame on both of us" especially as a *older virgin, instant performance is the one thing that the media tells us we shouldn't screw up if we still wanna be a man. Haha we are experiencing technical difficulties It's not all about you either /que running away crying
To op kudos for making something work! It happens first time, every 3rd time, as Jupiter enters the 7th house of the rising sun. Point is it happens talk about it if your comfort level is high enough with this person. I literally had the same exact thing happen to me first time and with new people, you are not alone, you think your penis is your best friend and will follow your commands and then Bam you find out it is at best a crazy drunk friend with self control issues. As a couple I promise you can and WILL find a groove to make the bow chicka wowwa happen, talk about it NOT in the heat of the moment and you'll be alright. Don't let it drive you crazy.
As for the virginity thing, I am the type of dude that would probably go ahead and mention it as has been said, honesty is the best policy.
Oops. Might have done this a little.
Yeah, I can laugh about it now but at the time it felt like 9/11 and the holocaust both occurring simultaneously. What I didn't mention was that I'd also jerked it every day leading up to the day in question in a misguided attempt to make myself last longer. Hurr durr.
Judging from the responses here I'm definitely going to tell her the truth, if she hasn't figured it out already. And also try not to be all weird about it. I'm seeing her on valentine's day and I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant, getting her a card and flowers, and will probably also have to bribe my housemate with beer to be elsewhere for the evening if he doesn't already have plans. I will also have wine and ice cream on standby, so even without sex it should be a fun evening
but they're listening to every word I say
It took me several tries before I was able to get the deed done, and this when I was a teenager (boner 24/7). Hell, I'm in my mid-30's with a wife of almost 15 years and it still occasionally happens. It's (most likely) totally in your head and after you get more comfortable with it, you'll get over it. Or maybe a butterfly flapped its wings in Argentina. The penis is weird, yo. But yeah, stop jerking it for a few days and try again.
I cannot agree with this more, particularly the bit in bold. There are lot of different kinds of fun times, and your penis doesn't have to be involved in all of them! Fun times can still happen!
I'd even argue that getting hung up on a single sex act being the end-all be-all of what sex is is not an excellent thing. There's some weird rite-of-passage stuff that seems to happen around virginity that actually serves to restrict what a healthy sexual relationship should look like.
Communicate and give each other time to learn. Even if you had a billion sex partners before this person, there's no guarantee you'd know the first thing about rocking her particular boat. It sounds like you did, though, which is awesome and it's okay to get some confidence from that, but there's no point mapping out your entire sexual future with this person based on a single (and first) encounter.
My husband and I were 26 and 24 respectively the first time we did anything together, and we were both virgins. It was awkward but we got through it and figured it out. We have been married for going on 6 years now and it gets a lot better, trust me.