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Return of the Awkward Thread: Fremdschämen's Revenge

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    KwoaruKwoaru Confident Smirk Flawless Golden PecsRegistered User regular
    Oh whoops I bumped into a hook up on the train home today

    I ended up spending my whole commute buried very deeply in my book because the hotel he's at is maybe two blocks from my train stop (it was so convenient at the time...) so he was getting off at the same station I was

    2x39jD4.jpg
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    ArtreusArtreus I'm a wizard And that looks fucked upRegistered User regular
    yeah he was :winky:

    http://atlanticus.tumblr.com/ PSN: Atlanticus 3DS: 1590-4692-3954 Steam: Artreus
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    KwoaruKwoaru Confident Smirk Flawless Golden PecsRegistered User regular
    I spent 15 minutes trying to phrase that

    2x39jD4.jpg
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    TankHammerTankHammer Atlanta Ghostbuster Atlanta, GARegistered User regular
    I am currently at a local movie premier. I just wore a clean, decent pair of Levis and a Ghostbusters t-shirt since the director is in the same Ghostbusters club as me (hence how I got an invite). Everyone else is in stunning gowns and suits and Oxfords with vests.

    I know literally nobody here. Please can we go inside the darkened theater now so I can stop standing out?

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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Kwoaru wrote: »
    I spent 15 minutes trying to phrase that

    Could have been better spent with a quickie?

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    FalxFalx Registered User regular
    I was playing Richard III in high school one time during a truncated version of that play, and during the 'Now is the winter of our discontent,' speech, I farted really loud.

    The acoustics in that theater were very complimentary to my butt flappery.

    I wish I could find the clip because I'm not 100% sure it's this actor, but my favorite story of Peter O'Toole is of how he and a friend were out getting smashed.
    So he asks his friend if he's seen (Play name) yet because it's brilliant, and he hasn't. So they head off the last performance for the evening, totally hammered. Peter knows the play well and he keeps telling his friend what's coming next. Until:

    "Oh oh, watch this. Watch this next part, it's brilliant! It's where I come on.... oh bollocks."

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    OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel floof Registered User regular
    TankHammer wrote: »
    I am currently at a local movie premier. I just wore a clean, decent pair of Levis and a Ghostbusters t-shirt since the director is in the same Ghostbusters club as me (hence how I got an invite). Everyone else is in stunning gowns and suits and Oxfords with vests.

    I know literally nobody here. Please can we go inside the darkened theater now so I can stop standing out?

    I don't understand dressing up for a movie premiere. The duration of the event is spent in a dark room and nobody is going to look at you anyway.

    cdci44qazyo3.gif

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    Thor1590Thor1590 Registered User regular
    I was just about to turn 18. I lived with my mom who had the nicest Mexican cleaning lady in the world, Cindy. She's basically a family friend at this point and so she hears about my upcoming birthday and makes me an offer:

    "You want cock fight?"

    "Huh?"

    "We get the cocks, they fight. It's lots of fun!"

    at this point I'm looking desperately at the other people in the room for help, please, somebody else tell her it's illegal and kinda horrifying. My mom was busy laughing her ass off.

    I landed on "I, uh...I don't think my friends would like that. I'm sorry. Thank you, though!" Boom. Swish, nothing but net.


    My other (much less nice) awkward story involves me meeting a childhood friend for the first time in a long time. It was her idea to meet up again! She's really excited to hang out and super attractive. I must have been 15 or 16. The whole time she was there, we barely said a word to each other - no chemistry at all. She didn't laugh at a single one of my jokes, and I'm a funny fucking guy sometimes. An entire night like that. The next day my step-dad at the time drove us back to her house an hour away with us in the back seat. Literally not a single word was spoken the entire trip, except for her "Bye, I had a fun time." at the end. If there was ever a time I felt like killing myself, it was right around then.

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    Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
    Thor1590 wrote: »
    I was just about to turn 18. I lived with my mom who had the nicest Mexican cleaning lady in the world, Cindy. She's basically a family friend at this point and so she hears about my upcoming birthday and makes me an offer:

    "You want cock fight?"

    "Huh?"

    "We get the cocks, they fight. It's lots of fun!"

    at this point I'm looking desperately at the other people in the room for help, please, somebody else tell her it's illegal and kinda horrifying. My mom was busy laughing her ass off.

    I landed on "I, uh...I don't think my friends would like that. I'm sorry. Thank you, though!" Boom. Swish, nothing but net.
    I'm not going to lie - I love animals, have had pets my entire life and volunteer yearly at a local animal sanctuary/farm - but I'd have to have given that some thought. That isn't an offer you get every day - and I think the memory of "Hey, remember the time Thor's cleaning lady threw a cock fight for his birthday" seems like it would be pretty legendary.

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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    Falx wrote: »
    I was playing Richard III in high school one time during a truncated version of that play, and during the 'Now is the winter of our discontent,' speech, I farted really loud.

    The acoustics in that theater were very complimentary to my butt flappery.

    I wish I could find the clip because I'm not 100% sure it's this actor, but my favorite story of Peter O'Toole is of how he and a friend were out getting smashed.
    So he asks his friend if he's seen (Play name) yet because it's brilliant, and he hasn't. So they head off the last performance for the evening, totally hammered. Peter knows the play well and he keeps telling his friend what's coming next. Until:

    "Oh oh, watch this. Watch this next part, it's brilliant! It's where I come on.... oh bollocks."

    I think that was a story told on a QI episode.

    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited March 2015
    You know, but I had family back in the old days that did cockfights. These were my relatives on my dad's side, the ones from Oklahoma, peanut farmers. And they'd fight their roosters, but they'd never put blades on their feet or anything, and they'd break em up if either bird got seriously hurt, but when my dad told me about it I was pretty shocked.

    Apparently it was legal back when they did it or something, from what I've been told, and roosters will fight all by themselves, but I remember I was kinda young and it was the first time I'd ever really heard about people making animals fight for money. Although I don't remember if he told me that there was betting, but I'm pretty sure there was.


    Except Pokemon.

    Metzger Meister on
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    tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2015
    One of my friends had a mandatory week-long field trip in the greek mountains as part of his biology degree. I don't know what they were supposed to be doing there. I know what they were actually doing there was pitting the local fauna against each other in one-on-one death matches.

    Apparently the grad student supervisor had to step in when he realised they managed to drum up a giant scorpion and an extremely poisonous local snake species.

    tynic on
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    Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    Biologists are kinda terrifying, it seems.

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    TankHammerTankHammer Atlanta Ghostbuster Atlanta, GARegistered User regular
    TankHammer wrote: »
    I am currently at a local movie premier. I just wore a clean, decent pair of Levis and a Ghostbusters t-shirt since the director is in the same Ghostbusters club as me (hence how I got an invite). Everyone else is in stunning gowns and suits and Oxfords with vests.

    I know literally nobody here. Please can we go inside the darkened theater now so I can stop standing out?

    I don't understand dressing up for a movie premiere. The duration of the event is spent in a dark room and nobody is going to look at you anyway.

    Well a good portion of the audience was involved in making the movie and there were red carpet photos being taken so the actresses lwere all gorgeous in their makeup and gowns and most people brought dates or a group of friends in equally nice garb.

    The director and his girlfriend were super cool though and invited me to the after party and bought me a drink for being the only person to offer to help them break down their merch/ticket table and photo area.

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    PsykomaPsykoma Registered User regular
    TankHammer wrote: »
    I am currently at a local movie premier. I just wore a clean, decent pair of Levis and a Ghostbusters t-shirt since the director is in the same Ghostbusters club as me (hence how I got an invite). Everyone else is in stunning gowns and suits and Oxfords with vests.

    I know literally nobody here. Please can we go inside the darkened theater now so I can stop standing out?

    I don't understand dressing up for a movie premiere. The duration of the event is spent in a dark room and nobody is going to look at you anyway.

    It's a change in perspective, as to whether you view 'getting fancy' as something to be endured or something you enjoy. I kind of feel as though I'd appreciate more options to wear my fancy clothes, not to be seen in them but just to wear them.

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    TankHammerTankHammer Atlanta Ghostbuster Atlanta, GARegistered User regular
    I like cleaning up and looking dapper, I just thought an indie horror movie would have been more of a t-shirt crowd.

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    BYToadyBYToady Registered User regular
    Biologists are kinda terrifying, it seems.

    Imagine if comic book nerds could round up their favorite characters to fight it out to see who would win.

    Battletag BYToady#1454
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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    TankHammer wrote: »
    I like cleaning up and looking dapper, I just thought an indie horror movie would have been more of a t-shirt crowd.

    it doesn't matter what the movie is, if you go to a movie premier it's an opportunity to be fancy

    frankly i wish i had more of those myself

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    CreaganCreagan Registered User regular
    I remembered a story I don't think I've shared yet:

    A couple of years ago, my parents and sisters went on a trip to Arizona. My brother and I didn't go because our spring breaks weren't the same week as my sisters'. A few days before they were going to head back home, my parents decided it would be a great idea if they took my sisters ATV riding. (From here on out, I will be calling my 18 year old sister "Gwen" and my 16 year old sister "Susan.")

    Now, "Susan" is really, really good at driving and controlling all forms of moving vehicles. "Gwen" is not, (even though she has a license.) But these ATVs were supposed to be reasonably easy to use and the route my parents planned to take was easy and didn't have much traffic, so they figured everything would be fine.

    Everything started alright, my mom and "Susan" were riding next to each other, my dad and "Gwen" were about a block behind them. All of a sudden, "Gwen" made a 90 degree turn to the right, hopped the curb, and just took off towards a grove of trees.

    My dad put his ATV in park, hopped off, and took off after her. Meanwhile, "Gwen" is flooring it through the trees, getting pelted by branches. She had refused to buckle her helmet on, so it got knocked off and flew about six feet straight up over her head.

    Finally, she hopped a four foot berm, flew through the air, and landed directly in front of a kindergarten playground filled with small children who promptly started screaming and were quickly evacuated into the school by their teachers.

    When my mom and "Susan" got to the parking lot, my dad was trying to coax "Gwen" off the ATV. Mom eventually got her off, whereupon "Gwen" started sobbing hysterically. Apparently she'd made the turn by accident, and then in her panic had grabbed the handles of the ATV in a death-grip, forgetting that in doing so she was actually making the vehicle go faster.

    My parents checked "Gwen" for injuries and decided that aside from a possibly broken nose (from getting whacked in the face by all those tree branches) she was fine. Eventually "Gwen" calmed down enough and agreed to get on an ATV driven by somebody else (there was no way my parents were letting her steer one after that.) My dad put her on his ATV, and they drove off while my mom and "Susan" waited with "Gwen"s ATV.

    As they were sitting there, they noticed the kindergartners had been let back out on the playground. And they had invented a new game: Runaway Car. They were reenacting my sister's ATV accident, pretending to crash into each other and screaming.

    The teachers just stared at my mom until she left.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    @Creagan you should write a book.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    DaMoonRulzDaMoonRulz Mare ImbriumRegistered User regular
    @Creagan if you don't know what to write about just wing it :wink:

    3basnids3lf9.jpg




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    CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    How does one make a 90 degree turn by accident?

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    King RiptorKing Riptor Registered User regular
    So my boss got promoted and on her last day she gave me a hug and said feel free to call

    This was very uncomfortable as I kinda hate her as a supervisor and think shes a wee bit racist so my plan was to never do either of those things

    I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    Ever think someone is ignoring you for 6 months and then talk to them and find out they think you're ignoring them and realize that the past 6 months was a complete waste that could have been avoided by giving in to the impulse to talk to them even once?

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    CreaganCreagan Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Ever think someone is ignoring you for 6 months and then talk to them and find out they think you're ignoring them and realize that the past 6 months was a complete waste that could have been avoided by giving in to the impulse to talk to them even once?

    No, but on of my former roommates stopped talking to me for three months because I disagreed with her over whether or not pregnant pigs should be housed together or in separate cages. And when I finally realized what had happened I laughed really hard because I hadn't spoken to one of my sisters for a year and a half, which my roommate KNEW about, so what made her think the silent treatment would work on me?

    ('Gwen' is the sister I wasn't talking to. It was on my mom's orders, because every time we talked to each other she was really verbally abusive.)

    (Also, apparently ATV steering gets really sensitive as you go faster.)

    Sorry about any spelling errors- I'm on my phone, it lacks spell check and so my dyslexia's totally unchecked.

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    CreaganCreagan Registered User regular
    edited April 2015
    Sorry, double post

    Creagan on
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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Being sad nobodies even made a simple comment on any of your status's for months, then noticing your status's have been set to "Only Me" for who knows how long

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    Being sad nobodies even made a simple comment on any of your status's for months, then noticing your status's have been set to "Only Me" for who knows how long

    This is amazing

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    TefTef Registered User regular
    It's like a Social Media Garfield Minus Garfield

    help a fellow forumer meet their mental health care needs because USA healthcare sucks!

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
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    King RiptorKing Riptor Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Ever think someone is ignoring you for 6 months and then talk to them and find out they think you're ignoring them and realize that the past 6 months was a complete waste that could have been avoided by giving in to the impulse to talk to them even once?

    More than once.

    More than uh three times if Im honest

    I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    edited April 2015
    So, when I was an innocent lad, I always tried to act much older than I actually was, and would sometimes use words or phrases that I did not understand in order to sound erudite and sophisticated.

    One day, seven year old me is sitting in the backseat of my Dad's van as we're off to Williamsburg to call upon our cousins. We picked them up - they're a few years older than me - and off we went to 7-11 to buy candy, my Dad still driving.

    Hootie and the Blowfish comes on the radio.

    "Hootie and the Blowfish!" my dad exclaims. "I love them."

    And, trying to impress my cousins, these bastions of hilarity whom I would get so excited over visiting that I would literally vomit in anticipation of all the shenanigans sure to ensue, dropped this bomb.

    Now, at the time, I didn't know what I said actually meant. I just knew it was a Grown Up thing and that Grown Up things were often funny for reasons I didn't understand.

    "Pffff. More like Hootie and the Blowjob."

    My cousins found it "hilarious."

    My Dad found it, "GODAMMIT, MICHAEL!"

    MalReynolds on
    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
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    CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    edited April 2015
    Creagan wrote: »
    (Also, apparently ATV steering gets really sensitive as you go faster.

    I did not know this!

    Calica on
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    KakodaimonosKakodaimonos Code fondler Helping the 1% get richerRegistered User regular
    Calica wrote: »
    Creagan wrote: »
    (Also, apparently ATV steering gets really sensitive as you go faster.

    I did not know this!

    Cars are the same. But modern cars have variable assist power steering that increases the force required to turn the wheel as the car speed increases.

    If you're not used to ATVs, you can get surprised when you turn at high speeds and you expect to need more force to turn the handlebars.

    Though the newer ATVs have electronic power steering modules which reduce the turning force on the handlebars at lower speeds and the really new ATVs also use the EPS module to reduce the handlebar movement when you hit a hidden obstacle.

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    theSquidtheSquid Sydney, AustraliaRegistered User regular
    Now, at the time, I didn't know what I said actually meant. I just knew it was a Grown Up thing and that Grown Up things were often funny for reasons I didn't understand.

    Oh god i just remembered one

    Okay so I was 10 or so and I was hanging out with my sisters boyfriend (she and he are both about a decade older than me)

    And he was telling me about how we are the bestest of friends and I said to him "Hey that reminds me of a joke I read in a joke book: How do you know if someone is your best friend? They go downtown and get two blowjobs then come back and give you one"

    You see I did not know what a blowjob was

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    When I was a kid, I enjoyed the mild insults "twit" and "prat"

    One dinner time, I thought it would be imaginative to come up with a new word that combined elements of both

    Cue me wondering why my dad was so angry that I called my sister a twat, considering he couldn't know what it meant as it was a new word

    (Oddly, a friend of mine "invented" the word in the same way when she was a kid, years before we met)

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    FalxFalx Registered User regular
    That reminds me of something that happened in 3rd grade.

    A kid in my class was messing with a girl, teasing her and pinching her. Eventually she'd had enough and sort of stage whispered to him, "Quit acting so horny."

    Our teacher's head sort of snapped up to see what the hell is going on in her class. Everyone else was giggling, except for the still innocent few who were just confused. He was one of them.

    "Horny? Hahaha horny!" he cackled at the top of his lungs.
    "Horny. Horny horny horny," he sort of mumbled bemusedly, like he was tasting the word.
    "I'm so horny."
    By now the class is quiet, we're all watching the teacher, who has a poker face.

    Suddenly, he seemed to remember he was in a class room, a place of learning, and raised his hand.

    "Miss?"
    "Yes...?"
    "What does horny mean?"

    We all burst into laughter, while he only then began to realize he may have done something odd. Our teacher just sort of gave the rest of the class this look which clearly communicated that not only did she not get paid enough for this shit, this was also our problem. Some other boys took him once side during recess and explained some stuff to him.

    He didn't ask a question in class again for months.

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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited April 2015
    In my younger years I worked summers and weekends as a lifeguard at the various city pools; it was a pretty cool job for the most part and provided a lot of funny stories, and also I think the most awkward moment of my life.

    Even though I didn't really like teaching swimming lessons, I was convinced to get my instructor cert because they needed occasional subs, I looked older than I was and some kids respond better to men. Thus did I wind up covering lessons for a male co-worker who was teaching special needs lessons to two brothers. I never did understand what their issues were but in hindsight it seems like it was some flavor of autism. The lessons are a little weird because they don't make eye contact, provide any other feedback or really acknowledge me at all, but they do seem to be listening and more or less follow directions.

    So I'm starting them with side breathing on kickboards, and the kid has that moment lots of kids have when they suddenly realize their feet don't immediately hit the ground and kinda seizes up. So I put my hand under his chest to kind of provide support, which is apparently the exact wrong thing to do because he immediately turns and clings to me with every appendage. Which wouldn't be such a big deal except that his left hand goes straight for my nuts and puts them in his best kung fu grip. I somehow maintain my cool and get to the side of the pool, whereupon I shout to his father some 30 feet away "how do I get him off me?" Which wasn't the most tactful thing but I wasn't in an entirely rational frame of mind at that point.

    He looks up and there's a moment where I kind of think he was ready to fight me. Then he realizes my distress (apparently the kid just does this, and oh yeah thanks for the heads up about that) and comes over to help me out.

    that was the last time I let them sub me into lessons

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    hold your head high soldier, it ain't over yet
    that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
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    Sir FabulousSir Fabulous Malevolent Squid God Registered User regular
    Well I guess I put my pants on backward today.

    pickup-sig.php?name=Orthanc

    Switch Friend Code: SW-1406-1275-7906
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    SassoriSassori Registered User regular
    We have a friend in our group that just has no concept of innuendo at all. Most of her undergrad year was spent with her roommate explaining what something meant even the really obvious jokes.

    She came out of the bathroom and had accidentally spilled water all over the lap of her pants.

    "Ugh! I'm so wet!"

    *Giggles around the room*

    "It's not funny! It's uncomfortable! My pants are soaked!" *More hysterical laughter*

    Eventually her roommate just types the word into urban dictionary and hands her the laptop.

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    DaMoonRulzDaMoonRulz Mare ImbriumRegistered User regular
    Well I guess I put my pants on backward today.

    Throwback Thursday! Kris Kross'll make you jump, jump, and put pants on backwards!

    3basnids3lf9.jpg




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