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Confronting an abusive parent
Sacrilicious
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My dad remarried a woman who has two kids - one her biological daughter and the other was adopted from asia at a young age. They're around 12 and 10 respectively. She's quite successful, responsible, is supportive of my dad as far as I can tell. But any time I've visited, she flies off the handle, invariably, at her adopted daughter. Almost any interaction between just the two of them leads to my stepmom yelling at her adopted daughter. It's horrible to watch and I feel depressed whenever I visit because I feel powerless to do or say anything.
I talked with my dad about it, and he also feels powerless. So, I feel maybe it's not my place. I'm not terribly responsible myself, and I definitely have been needlessly unkind to people I care about.
She's been very kind, patient, and generous with me. She'll offer to pay to include me on expensive vacations, and I'm appreciative of the gesture.
So in my mind, I'm thinking I could bite the bullet and next time I see it happening,say, "Stepmom, I like you and I'm grateful that you're willing to have me stay with you, but this isn't right. I'm always apprehensive when I visit because I'm always worried of seeing you yell at your stepdaughter when she clearly doesn't deserve it." Something like that. Or else I remain silent and uninvolved.
There's lots of tragedy all around, and I can't do much about any of it. Perhaps it's not my place to say anything. Over there years I've seen a lot of insightful advice on this forum, so if anyone has experience or perspective to share it's more than welcome.
I talked with my dad about it, and he also feels powerless. So, I feel maybe it's not my place. I'm not terribly responsible myself, and I definitely have been needlessly unkind to people I care about.
She's been very kind, patient, and generous with me. She'll offer to pay to include me on expensive vacations, and I'm appreciative of the gesture.
So in my mind, I'm thinking I could bite the bullet and next time I see it happening,say, "Stepmom, I like you and I'm grateful that you're willing to have me stay with you, but this isn't right. I'm always apprehensive when I visit because I'm always worried of seeing you yell at your stepdaughter when she clearly doesn't deserve it." Something like that. Or else I remain silent and uninvolved.
There's lots of tragedy all around, and I can't do much about any of it. Perhaps it's not my place to say anything. Over there years I've seen a lot of insightful advice on this forum, so if anyone has experience or perspective to share it's more than welcome.
Sacrilicious on
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There area lot of questions for me, like why would your dad want to marry someone who treats her daughter that way in the first place.
And personally, if it was me, I wouldn't accept gifts from her. All too often from people like her they're used as leverage.
Honestly you're in a really complicated spot and there's no real guaranteed solution to your problem.
When witnessing any kind of abuse, please NEVER think "it's not my place to say anything". It is ALWAYS in your place to say and/or do something if you feel you are able. Having been in that little girl's situation myself, for years and years, I only wished more people had allowed themselves to say something or pulled me out of that situation.
With regard to my father's choice of marriage, I'm not sure. I struggle having a relationship with him anyway.
Okay. I'll try to say something.
Just having a trustworthy grown-up to turn to can be huge.
If the adopted daughter heard you say this, it will probably have a very positive and lasting impact if you talk to her about things and specifically this dinner confrontation. As long as she's being well fed and not physically abused I doubt there's anything you can really do other than maybe be a friend when she needs one. In my anecdotal experience it's not all that uncommon for people to treat adopted children poorly if they also have a biological child they like to consider "theirs". Especially true if they had difficulty conceiving and adopt, and then a few years later end out having a biological child.
That all being said, give her your phone number and take her out to do something sometime and just see if she talks with you at all. Having an older sibling to bullshit with and just vent to can only help her. Especially so if you're concerned enough for her well being to ruin a perfectly good dinner by standing up for someone, you probably earned a fan.