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Alzheimer's, Nursing Home, Legal ???
NexusSix
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I'll try to make this as short as possible:
My grandmother's Alzheimer's is starting to get bad. My mom and aunt have been her primary care providers for the last year or so. Unfortunately, over the last couple of months, there has been a huge falling out between the two of them and neither is currently able (or, not wanting) to give my grandmother the care that she needs.
Now I'm trying to step in and help the 3 of them. We have an appointment this Saturday at a facility that specializes in Alzheimer's care (my grandmother is currently living at home).
Here's where the problems start cropping up: both my mom and my aunt are in a bad state of mind now and neither wants to deal with any of this, so I'm currently trying to get it all worked out. However, I live in Pittsburgh and they are located 90 minutes away near Youngstown, Ohio. My wife and I work and I'm not able to get over to Youngstown that often--and I certainly can't just pick up and go at the drop of a hat. All that being said, I have no idea what my grandmother's financial situation is like and I am not able to get my hands on medical/financial/estate paperwork. There's also been hearsay on a possible legal fight coming over my grandmother's estate, a prospect that worries me as well as sickens me.
I want to make sure that my grandmother's rights are protected and that she is able to get the care that she needs. My mother and aunt are acting like infants on this matter and I want to be sure that my grandmother won't be hurt or put in a bad position over this fighting.
If anyone has dealt with this type of situation before, I could really use some advice. I want to make sure my grandmother gets legal protection and that her estate goes towards her care--I don't want what little is left of her estate to end up in some legal battle.
I'm not sure where to start. I just want to do whatever I can to make sure my grandmother is okay and cared for.
My grandmother's Alzheimer's is starting to get bad. My mom and aunt have been her primary care providers for the last year or so. Unfortunately, over the last couple of months, there has been a huge falling out between the two of them and neither is currently able (or, not wanting) to give my grandmother the care that she needs.
Now I'm trying to step in and help the 3 of them. We have an appointment this Saturday at a facility that specializes in Alzheimer's care (my grandmother is currently living at home).
Here's where the problems start cropping up: both my mom and my aunt are in a bad state of mind now and neither wants to deal with any of this, so I'm currently trying to get it all worked out. However, I live in Pittsburgh and they are located 90 minutes away near Youngstown, Ohio. My wife and I work and I'm not able to get over to Youngstown that often--and I certainly can't just pick up and go at the drop of a hat. All that being said, I have no idea what my grandmother's financial situation is like and I am not able to get my hands on medical/financial/estate paperwork. There's also been hearsay on a possible legal fight coming over my grandmother's estate, a prospect that worries me as well as sickens me.
I want to make sure that my grandmother's rights are protected and that she is able to get the care that she needs. My mother and aunt are acting like infants on this matter and I want to be sure that my grandmother won't be hurt or put in a bad position over this fighting.
If anyone has dealt with this type of situation before, I could really use some advice. I want to make sure my grandmother gets legal protection and that her estate goes towards her care--I don't want what little is left of her estate to end up in some legal battle.
I'm not sure where to start. I just want to do whatever I can to make sure my grandmother is okay and cared for.
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NexusSix on
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Sorry I can't be any help with the legal stuff, but seriously, these people need to know that what they are bickering about cannot be paramount to the safety and health of the person who brought both of them into this world. They owe her some respect.
Props to you for trying to sort this out though man.
Yes. I've been on the phone begging and pleading with them for the last several weeks and nothing is working. Without going into lengthy details, there are additional mental problems that my aunt and mother are dealing with and I, unfortunately, cannot make them do anything short of contacting welfare/social services. Therefore, I decided to go the nursing home route and will use social services as a last resort--I'm trying to get my grandmother out of this hellish situation without making matters worse for her. The bottom line is that I can't rely on my mom/aunt to provide the care, so now I'm focusing all my energy on what I need to do to find her care elsewhere.
Also, I got pulled away before I could finish the OP:
There is very little money at our disposal and the estate isn't going to provide much in additional care funds. Any information on financial assistance for her care or for finding her legal protection would also be very much appreciated.
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If it gets seriously bad, you may end up being left with no choice but to call social services. I know that is probably the last thing you want to do, but at least be open to the possibility that it might be necessary.
Without knowing what the other problems are, I'm reluctant to say anything else (not a plea for you to tell us the other problems, if you haven't mentioned them so far I'm guessing that you want to keep them to yourself). However, if your parents and aunt are threatening each other with legal action, I'm going to assume that they are both of sound mind and in a lot better state than your grandmother.
As such I'm just going to say that if you do end up having to go the social services route, please don't take it too hard yourself. I understand that it might feel like you're betraying your parents/family, however this poor woman is probably already in a bad state, and she's only going to get worse from here. Her welfare needs to take priority over any fued with your other family, and if they aren't willing/unable to take that into consideration then you need to do whatever is in your power to ensure that the innocent party here is properly cared for. And for that I don't think you should feel any guilt or pressure to take the others feelings into consideration. Again I don't know the full story, but it doesn't sound like they are taking your grandmothers wellbeing into consideration.
My great-aunt died last year after suffering really bad alzheimers for 2 or 3 years and I know how hard it can be on all the family. It really is soul destroying. I'm sorry if im being too harsh on your mum/aunt, but with the information given they really are sounding incredibly selfish.
Good luck though man.
Here's my advice: if you can afford to, I highly recommend planning a week off from work at some point to offer your help in taking care of her. With a small vacation from having to constantly care for her, your mom and aunt should be able to cool down a bit and be (hopefully) more receptive to you. If they still can't be brought around, you have a couple of options.
As Nerissa said, you can consider having yourself appointed legal guardian. This is the nuclear option in this situation. Personally, I would go the route of social services, which isn't the horrible thing you seem to think it is. It's not like a child-abuse case, where the state takes custody; Most if not all state and county governments have specialized care programs for seniors with Alzheimer's and other mental disabilities. Most offer free aid programs (Meals on Wheels and the like), and some offer home help and counseling for the caretaker. At the very least they can provide better (more professional, if nothing else) advice than us.
I can't speak to the subject of nursing homes, but you should get a pretty good idea on Saturday.
Hope this helps, and good luck.
I didn't have to deal with a situation like this though... Perhaps you need to take charge a little. Gently insist that you're there to do whats best for your grandmother and start making decisions because you wont watch this go on any more. Perhaps thats what your mum and Aunt need... This is their mum and its a pretty horrific thing to go through. Maybe once that pressure is off a little - they will be able to get some perspective?
If they start trying to stop you from doing the responsible thing, or start arguing over things like money and look to be putting her at risk/discomfort - consider the legal aspects.
No lawyer would allow these things, even if your grandmother was still legaly competent. She's established in her illness, so that will is set in "stone". I mean not really set in stone, but it would be as complicated to work out legaly as the other ideas.
I completely agree and I sympathize with your situation and the situation my mom and aunt are in. I've seen my grandmother's condition grind down my mom over the last year or so, and my aunt cracked in a short period of time when she tried to take over the 24/7 care duties (again, there are additional issues with my aunt--mental and marriage issues--that compound the problem). So you--and anyone providing care to a person with Alzhemier's--get my utmost respect.
It's hard because this disease does not allow for easy answers. I feel like I will fail all of them no matter what course of action I take and I also feel that no matter what I do, it won't be enough. Then again, it's not really about me or my feelings; it's about helping my grandmother and I have to place her before everybody else right now, including myself.
I wish taking over all of this were feasible, but the distance is too great. I'd have to move into her house and become a 24/7 care provider to be able to do that, and that would mean loosing my job (and there really are no good jobs where she lives). Bringing her to my house isn't an option either--we have 3 floors, 1 bathroom, multiple pets and my wife and I both work full-time and can't afford to take any long breaks from work. We wouldn't be able to provide a much better setting than her current one, and an accidental slip or tumble down a flight of wooden stairs is a realistic scenario for her (she currently lives in a single floor home).
Also Bitstream: thanks for the info on social services. It clears things up a little and makes me feel a bit better--I had this worst case scenario image in my head of the county or state placing her in some rat-infested dungeon somwhere. Again, I'm still keeping this option open as a last resort should everything else fail.
My biggest fear right now is my aunt not wanting to sign any papers on all of this--all of my other families members are on the same page with the nursing home, though, including my mother. My understanding is that my mom has power of attorney over medical, and my aunt has it over finances/estate. I plan on getting all of this ironed out this Saturday, but based on what some family members have said, I have a growing concern that my aunt wants to take the house for herself. Basically, the house and pension are pretty much all we have to work with as far as funds for her ongoing healthcare. I'm hoping to get all of this resolved without having to get attorneys involved.
Thanks for the kind replies, all. The feedback is much appreciated. Keep the info coming if anyone has additional comments or suggestions--I'm trying to get as much information together as I possibly can in the coming days.
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find out who, if anyone, has power of attorney for your grandmother. it will be difficult for any of you to work with her assets without that.
regarding her estate: unless your grandmother was very wealthy, or is expected to live only a few more years, her assets may not be enough sustain her care in a nursing home. if your family is unable to finance her stay in the home (with her money or the family's), you'll need to look into Medicaid.
Medicaid will pay your grandmother's nursing home bills if all her assets (house, car, etc) are sold, and she lives with family for a certain length of time (this might also depend on the family's income). You should speak with a social worker at the nursing home to get information on all this.
don't be discouraged by the looks of the nursing home; what matters is the care they give to their patients. don't let the depressing feelings you may get walking through the halls discourage you from working to place her into a home.
the first home we got my grandma into was somewhat old and crummy, so my parents moved her into a nicer looking place. this second home decided that if she didn't want to eat, they wouldn't do anything about it, so they essentially starved her until she had to be hospitalized (thankfully she recovered, and we were able to move her to the home she currently resides in).
they covered their asses saying she had "patient's rights", which is utter bullshit, since advanced stage Alzheimer's patients are not sane enough to make decisions. make sure you ask if the nursing home you're looking into does this, it might just save your grandmother's life.
finally, once she's in the home, you had to remember that alzheimer's is a progressive illness; the downward slope in her mental capacity is inevitable, and it is not your or your family's fault should the condition of her mind continue to degenerate in the home. making sure that she is healthy, comfortable, and well taken care of is what really matters, and if you can find a home where that's possible, you've done the right thing.
good luck.
If somebody has power of attorney, then that person (or those people) are basically exclusively authorized to make decisions for your grandmother. Not necessarily just financial decisions, but healthcare and living decisions as well.