hey guys I know it's frustrating and all but maybe yelling at someone who has a complex and abusive family dynamic to say that they need to just cut everyone out and tell everyone to fuck off is, uh, not helpful
This isn't meant to be shaming or "yelling at" Creagan. I'm not trying to guilt anybody into anything...but speaking from experience, living with or being around super abusive people means that it's hard to see yourself away from that environment. It actually took @Stale telling me "why are you still speaking to these people at all if they're so bad to you?" years ago for me to realize that yes, my situation was "bad enough" to warrant that kind of behavior. Creagan can do what she wants, but if somebody has super abusive people in their lives, it is virtually always in their best interest to cut ties with said abusive people. Or severely reduce contact, at the very least.
What I see in Creagan's posts is a belief that she "has to" play their game because they won't let her leave it. To me that's all the more reason to find a way - any way - to leave. I'm trying to explain that there are ways out of this, and though they might be difficult, it's possible, and Creagan doesn't have to wait for the outside excuse of "something else came up and I can't come home this holiday". Her not wanting to go should be enough. Abusers reel you in and make you believe that your own thoughts are wrong. That your own memories are incorrect. That you're not really feeling what you're feeling.
If any of this from me has come off as abrasive to Creagan it's absolutely not intentional, and I apologize. I just want to instill a sense of hope in spite of all this - it's difficult to cut people out, but sometimes it's literally necessary. Creagan does not seem against the idea of removing herself at least in part, which is why I'm talking about this. I'm just trying to explain she doesn't have to wait, because her own feelings should be enough of an "excuse" - and it can be hard to believe that, if you're the focus of the abuse. You're taught not to believe that.
You have to take care of yourself first and everyone else second, if you're not happy, then you need to remove whatever is not making you happy.
What's the point of appeasing others if you're upset or unhappy or in a shitty mood? Does making them happy get anything? You're still unhappy, so why bother extending any sort of olive branch if they're snatching it from your hands and snapping it?
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
it has also been literal years that she's been posting about her family and I recognize why someone may want to work on minimizing damaging contact with abusive people while still placating them enough to be able to see members of their family who can't or won't leave (like her mother and brother)
it is incredibly difficult to balance something like that and it sucks. from experience, it sucks to cut out an abuser and lose other family members because of that. am I glad I cut out my controlling, manipulative, and abusive sister? yes absolutely. does that mean I will never, or at least for many many years, speak to my niece again? unfortunately also yes. did it mean my ill and aging father had to sneak out of her house to visit me when he lived with her because she would hurt and punish him if she found out? yeah. is it ideal to tell Creagan to cut everyone out? yes. but I'm absolutely understanding where she's coming from at trying to minimize harm to herself while still being able to see her fam. and it sucks (this is me projecting but whatever) to come to a place to vent about being frustrated with that juggling act to be told to just cut everyone off.
it has also been literal years that she's been posting about her family and I recognize why someone may want to work on minimizing damaging contact with abusive people while still placating them enough to be able to see members of their family who can't or won't leave (like her mother and brother)
it is incredibly difficult to balance something like that and it sucks. from experience, it sucks to cut out an abuser and lose other family members because of that. am I glad I cut out my controlling, manipulative, and abusive sister? yes absolutely. does that mean I will never, or at least for many many years, speak to my niece again? unfortunately also yes. did it mean my ill and aging father had to sneak out of her house to visit me when he lived with her because she would hurt and punish him if she found out? yeah. is it ideal to tell Creagan to cut everyone out? yes. but I'm absolutely understanding where she's coming from at trying to minimize harm to herself while still being able to see her fam. and it sucks (this is me projecting but whatever) to come to a place to vent about being frustrated with that juggling act to be told to just cut everyone off.
I get that and I can respect that. It's possible I'm projecting a bit too because cutting my parents out of my life was the best thing for me, and being forced to live with my abuser for 10 years was literal hell, and I would have done anything in my power to remove myself from that situation if I'd been able to.
It's also super hard for me to see Creagan post about this over the years, and just reply sympathy words to her, giving variations of "yeah that sucks!" over and over again. Because ultimately, I'd love Creagan to not have to deal with it any more. My default is to try to offer solutions to issues if I can see any. Creagan doesn't have to do anything that I suggest of course, but at the same time in my own experience it's been helpful (to me and to others) to be offered an outside perspective. And to be given the "permission", if you will, to trust your own instincts, and be given a kind word of confidence.
I think we can all agree shitty abusive people need to stop being shitty and abusive and then we wouldn't have to discuss whether to minimize harm or just set fire to the motherfucker
Wow. I waited to post because I got stuck trying to explain that I don't actually hate either of my sisters or my father, I want them to stop. And it's not that I don't want to go to Easter so much as I don't want to see my sister.
I really, really don't want to cause more conflict and frustrate people. Especially here.
And yes, cutting out my dad, sisters, and most of my extended family would be the ideal. I don't know if I'll ever achieve it, because at this point I doubt my parents will get divorced and I'm not willing to give up my relationship with my mother. Especially because if something happens and she needs somebody to take care of her, I'm the only person in the family who not only knows what her allergies are, but respects that they're real things. (Gwen and Susan won't stop using perfumes that give Mom migraines and have told her it's unfair she refuses to just deal with it because apparently it's "not that bad.")
But the end goal is fading out of my sisters' lives, while limiting direct contact with my father.
The current goal is to navigate how to manage things now safely, without also being a shitty person. (I almost screwed up on Thanksgiving, but you guys stopped me from being shitty and I really appreciate that.)
I'm aiming for a slow fade out over sudden no contact because I think that approach will work better. And if Gwen and Susan sort themselves out and stop being abusive shitheads, like several people keep claiming will happen, I won't have burned bridges. (I'm not holding my breath on that. Yeah they're young and will change a lot in the next ten years, but Susan's just getting meaner and Gwen's become the train-wreck I always knew she'd be.)
RobonunIt's all fun and games until someone pisses off ChinaRegistered Userregular
Turn. Them. All. Loose. You will feel a thousand times better when you do. How many more years do you want to lose to them? Two? Five? Twenty?
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I ZimbraWorst song, played on ugliest guitarRegistered Userregular
Oh, cool, a month before the wedding and my fiancee's father decides to tell us that he refuses to be in the same room as his ex-wife, my fiancee's mom.
I can't blame him (my fiancee's mom is an asshole), but it's been 20 years, can you really not nut up and act like an adult for 2 days so you can see your daughter get married?
I'd skip the guilt and just say ok. From experience a month before your wedding is when your tolerance for bullshit from others is at an amazing low. OK, thanks for letting us know.
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I ZimbraWorst song, played on ugliest guitarRegistered Userregular
My plan was to send them both an e-mail that essentially said "Show up and act like adults for 48 hours or don't come at all" but that got shot down. Fiancee doesn't want to rock the boat and risk her dad not coming as he lives across the country and rarely gets to see him.
He has graciously agreed to attend the ceremony so long as ex-wife doesn't try to approach, talk, or make eye contact with him, so I guess that's what we're going with.
Every time I have to deal with her folks I send mine a text thanking them for not being crazy.
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
just an odd thought, but are your parents willing to play interference between them? Like make sure that they're on separate planes of existence?
just an odd thought, but are your parents willing to play interference between them? Like make sure that they're on separate planes of existence?
What about asking some physically big friends/cousins to act as bouncers. The second either party starts drama, just quietly swoop in and say they can stop making trouble or they can leave.
Depending on how these people are, there's a good chance they'll find a way to start drama regardless of how careful people are to keep them away from each other. So typically its better to plan for drama than it is to try and stop drama from happening.
Blackhawk1313Demon Hunter for HireTime RiftRegistered Userregular
Hi all, haven't checked in lately, but it has admittedly been a hell of a time. As always Creagan, the best I can say is to do what you feel is right for yourself and your situation and please don't ever let their behavior drag down yourself and your own accomplishments. Sorry to hear about your family wedding fun as well Zimbra, only way I could have remotely dealt with that dynamic is politely remind both that the day is not even remotely about them and hope that they had a desire to not be "that" person on what is supposed to be one of the happier days of a persons life.
In my world, I don't know really what else to say other than that my wife's Uncle has stage IV cancer and I had to go ahead and speak with work about the likelihood of me being out for a few days in the not too distant future. And I dread it so much despite the near inevitably of the situation. Because he's the husband of my wife's Aunt that had to endure dealing with her son nearly going to jail and being an absolutely dumbass, and also took our own sons death extremely hard.
I also am fairly upset at myself with it too because I know that no one is dealing with a harder time right now than her with this but I can't help but be weak about it all and let it cause me to drift into thinking back to our sons funeral. My heart shattered into a million pieces when we lost him and then his funeral shattered it all over again. I fear going through this all may break me again and I'm so afraid of that because of all the times I need to hold it together, it's then for her sake. But I don't think I'll be able to. I'm stronger than this but damn if it's isn't hitting me right in my weakest spot.
You didn't bother me at all. This thread just got buried before I saw you posted.
And honestly, while I can understand why you'd feel upset with yourself over the situation (men are socialized to "man up" in times of crisis, plus there's that whole "somebody has it worse so you should feel better about your situation because you at least have shoes.) It's okay if you're upset. You can be upset and still help your wife's aunt. Actually, you may be more helpful if you give yourself time to grieve, instead of using mental energy to keep it bottled up.
Also, having a hard time with this doesn't mean you're being weak. You've been hurt. Feeling pain when you're hurt isn't a sign of weakness.
Blackhawk1313Demon Hunter for HireTime RiftRegistered Userregular
Still treading water on the uncle front, they are trying another type of chemo now and too early to tell if there's any change. Their son is doing ok at least at the moment but that's highly dependent on him not falling for the wrong girl again which is apparently his modus operandi. There's a hell of a story in all that saga but not one I have energy to tell at the moment. Other than that, my wife's cousin is still living with us and we are still taking care of him. He's 18, still in school but quit his job, still no license. I'm displeased but holding my tongue for now to give him the time to finish.
Finally got his teeth in order which was cool though and all credit to him as we finally had a dental visit where he had zero cavities so now talk can start about other work to fix things. His mom continues to be a thorn in our side of course and failing to properly pay bills and file his care properly so yet again he went on our dental and we got a bill so good times. Oh, and our dog broke her leg at 2 AM on a Sunday so we got to get home at 5 AM with a peg legged dog and a delightful emergency late night vet bill. Neither of us get it anymore, we are starting to suspect we may just be had people as deserve the hand we are getting dealt. Just very very worn down.
Wow, I'm sorry. You and your wife are absolutely not bad people, and you do not deserve what's going on right now. You deserve a lifetime of gratitude from your wife's cousin (sorry, I mistook him for a nephew earlier due to his age) and his parents. (And the fact that you're not demanding it, or resenting it's absence shows you two are, in fact, extremely selfless.)
I'm glad you got your wife's cousin's teeth fixed, and things are at least somewhat stable with your wife's uncle. Hopefully your dog recovers quickly.
Sometimes life just throws as much shit on people as possible. It's honestly amazing how you and your wife have managed to handle it.
Blackhawk1313Demon Hunter for HireTime RiftRegistered Userregular
Nothing amazing about us, I ask myself the same question a lot recently in fact, faith perhaps? I don't know if I always have an answer to that to be honest. Sometimes I do, but other times I think we just ride on pure faith.
I ZimbraWorst song, played on ugliest guitarRegistered Userregular
Don't sell yourself short, Blackhawk, you and your wife have been through extraordinary circumstances and endured them with grace and strength, which is an amazing thing in itself. Your kindness and generosity in the face of all the challenges you've had is a truly remarkable thing.
On the other end of the spectrum my future in-laws continue to be a shit show. Future MIL has decided that the poem we chose for her to read at the wedding would be 'embarrassing' to her and wants us to find someone else. Future FIL seems to think he's doing us a favor by showing up at all. I'm ready to tell them both to pound sand and I think my fiancee is getting there as well.
Don't sell yourself short, Blackhawk, you and your wife have been through extraordinary circumstances and endured them with grace and strength, which is an amazing thing in itself. Your kindness and generosity in the face of all the challenges you've had is a truly remarkable thing.
On the other end of the spectrum my future in-laws continue to be a shit show. Future MIL has decided that the poem we chose for her to read at the wedding would be 'embarrassing' to her and wants us to find someone else. Future FIL seems to think he's doing us a favor by showing up at all. I'm ready to tell them both to pound sand and I think my fiancee is getting there as well.
dooooooo it
my mom originally tried to pull the "I'm not coming I can't stand to be around your father" thing and I was just like ok you do you. she showed up anyway and was perfectly civil. in fact she tried to play it off as a "surprise", that she was going to say she couldn't attend and then show up anyway, like that's somehow cool and funny. whatever
if they want to be dicks about it, just plan them out of active involvement so you're not counting on them to be actual worthwhile human beings on your wedding day, relieve yourself off the stress, it's entirely not worth it. I'm not saying you have to tell them to go fuck themselves, as much as you want to by now, but instead of trying to herd these shitty shitty cats just acknowledge whatever bullshit they say and don't react to it. ok mom, we'll find another person to read our poem. ok dad, if you don't want to attend we understand. either they'll get over it and act like humans or they won't, but either way you're not expending energy that's on very short supply on their childish bullshit antics
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I ZimbraWorst song, played on ugliest guitarRegistered Userregular
Yeah, we had a long talk last night and decided how to move forward. fMIL is no longer doing the reading, one of fiancee's friends is going to. fFIL is getting an e-mail from me telling him his shitty selfish behavior is hurting his daughter and to please act right, and that he needs to be there to walk his daughter down the aisle. Plus we dis-invited him from the family dinner and made arrangements for her BIL to walk her down the aisle if he continues to have his underpants in a twist. We would tell him just to go fuck himself, but we still want fiancee's little brother to come to the wedding.
We also decided that this is the end of us trying to have any kind of meaningful relationship with her parents going forward. She's been through 4 1/2 years of hell with surgeries, disability, and chronic pain and these chucklefucks haven't done a damn thing to support us, and now they're shitting up the one bright spot we've had on the horizon with their selfish nonsense.
I ZimbraWorst song, played on ugliest guitarRegistered Userregular
Thanks, all, it's nice to have someone to vent to that's not my fiancee or my family.
It just sucks because my fiancee is awesome and deserves way better than this. She just wants a normal, loving relationship with her parents, which is something that's not going to happen and that's a really hard thing for her to deal with.
Thanks, all, it's nice to have someone to vent to that's not my fiancee or my family.
It just sucks because my fiancee is awesome and deserves way better than this. She just wants a normal, loving relationship with her parents, which is something that's not going to happen and that's a really hard thing for her to deal with.
You've done the right thing.
This is your day and no one elses, you do what makes you both happy.
My parents after having told them we were engaged immediately said they might not make the wedding because we we're originally planning to get married in Ireland. They cited looking after the dogs but then changed it to my mum being scared of travelling.
In the end we got married on our own because we couldn't put up with dealing with them especially as it had started immediately after getting engaged.
SharpyVII on
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
My parents, who live in the USA, are more involved in my daughter's life than my in-laws. And they live here in NZ.
They didn't acknowledge her birthday at all. Only stop by the house at random and even then, only for a few minutes at a time. And the last time they stopped by was to show off their beautiful grandchild to family from Taiwan. Who has been in NZ for three months! But they wanted to stop by the day before they left just to look at the baby. Ignore the wife since I'm white and don't disk mandarin. But the baby!
Oh no, time to go now.
And they haven't been back. They see her every couple of months? And this is their first, and right now likely only, grandchild.
Meanwhile, we Skype with my parents all the time, my father sends her presents and toys. My mom was busy moving here for four months.
I mean, i don't really want them along all the time. It's uncomfortable relationship at the best of times. But, they could maybe at least pretend to be interested? They've missed her first birthday, her first steps, her first words.
And now that I've got the sick baby to sleep, bedtime for mummy.
Yeah. You want them to see how awesome your kid is and give her more of that close happy relationship she has with your parents. Because she's awesome and deserves to have both sets of her grandparents dote on her.
If it helps, as far as distant uncaring grandparents go, this is probably the best outcome. Ellie probably won't feel shunned because they aren't close to your husband to begin with, and there aren't any 100% Taiwanese cousins for them to possibly favor over her. She'll probably just end up liking your parents a lot more, and barely caring about her other set of grandparents.
woof. I hate that my family's neuroses and manipulative behavior over the last 34 years means that today I noticed my sister has finally unblocked me on FB and I immediately became suspicious and started trying to figure out if there was some angle
don't worry I know that's not normal/healthy thought, it's just.. sigh
don't worry I know that's not normal/healthy thought, it's just.. sigh
Honestly I'd consider that to be a totally normal reaction, and not necessarily an unhealthy one. If they've been manipulative to you in the past, you're just making sure that you're protected.
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Blackhawk1313Demon Hunter for HireTime RiftRegistered Userregular
Teenager bitched the other day about the school being too strict for him, the one that lets him work at his own pace, says he is going to consider other options if they don't work with him on issues he has with how they teach... won't take the GED though. For fucks sake child you think public high school is going to be less restrictive? ...sigh...
My uncle emailed all of us (my mother and my two cousins) this morning. First he said he was proud of my mother and I for participating in the climate change march yesterday, though my aunt thinks the only reason we're doing them is because George Soros is paying us. Dang, I wish. Pay me money for something i'm willing to do for free? Yes please.
Last weekend he and my aunt had gone out to New England for his younger brother's memorial, who died the day before Christmas last year. His younger brother had worked helping design hiking trails in state parks, and all of them went on a few of them just to see his work while they remembered him. On Wednesday he found he had a sore shoulder, and my aunt checked and found a tick biting him. He went to the doctor a few days later, who confirmed that he had contracted lyme disease. This also caused him to get an attack of shingles, from his left wrist all the way up to his shoulder, as well as raising his blood pressure by quite a bit.
He's currently unable to drive, do yard work, or play tennis, and is on so many medications that he needs to use a spreadsheet to keep track of them. My aunt had knee replacement surgery a little over a month ago, so he said their house basically looks like a hospital ward now. She's at least recovered well enough to be able to drive again.
I try not to think about this kind of stuff, and nothing that has happened to him here is related to his age specifically, but he's 77 years old. He's going to die someday. It's going to be pretty rough when that happens. Hopefully a long ways off though.
Teenager bitched the other day about the school being too strict for him, the one that lets him work at his own pace, says he is going to consider other options if they don't work with him on issues he has with how they teach... won't take the GED though. For fucks sake child you think public high school is going to be less restrictive? ...sigh...
Somebody needs a long, serious talk about what his options are and how they will affect him.
My uncle emailed all of us (my mother and my two cousins) this morning. First he said he was proud of my mother and I for participating in the climate change march yesterday, though my aunt thinks the only reason we're doing them is because George Soros is paying us. Dang, I wish. Pay me money for something i'm willing to do for free? Yes please.
Last weekend he and my aunt had gone out to New England for his younger brother's memorial, who died the day before Christmas last year. His younger brother had worked helping design hiking trails in state parks, and all of them went on a few of them just to see his work while they remembered him. On Wednesday he found he had a sore shoulder, and my aunt checked and found a tick biting him. He went to the doctor a few days later, who confirmed that he had contracted lyme disease. This also caused him to get an attack of shingles, from his left wrist all the way up to his shoulder, as well as raising his blood pressure by quite a bit.
He's currently unable to drive, do yard work, or play tennis, and is on so many medications that he needs to use a spreadsheet to keep track of them. My aunt had knee replacement surgery a little over a month ago, so he said their house basically looks like a hospital ward now. She's at least recovered well enough to be able to drive again.
I try not to think about this kind of stuff, and nothing that has happened to him here is related to his age specifically, but he's 77 years old. He's going to die someday. It's going to be pretty rough when that happens. Hopefully a long ways off though.
It is really, really hard to watch somebody struggle with aging. And it's even harder when they're used to being healthy and have to process that they aren't going to make it back to 100%. I'm sorry.
My mom had to sell the house because of the divorce. So we're all packing up and moving to Texas by the beginning of June. It's not where I want to go but after searching desperately for a job that'll help me stay in my home town nothing has budged
My mom's just kinda winging things without a plan and my brother is flip flopping on whether or not he's moving or staying here. Dealing with the both of them is stressing me out. Texas wouldn't be so bad but my mom is very controlling and abusive and getting away from her has been the biggest struggle of my life. I'm really scared about going with her to a place where I'll be absolutely alone.
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This isn't meant to be shaming or "yelling at" Creagan. I'm not trying to guilt anybody into anything...but speaking from experience, living with or being around super abusive people means that it's hard to see yourself away from that environment. It actually took @Stale telling me "why are you still speaking to these people at all if they're so bad to you?" years ago for me to realize that yes, my situation was "bad enough" to warrant that kind of behavior. Creagan can do what she wants, but if somebody has super abusive people in their lives, it is virtually always in their best interest to cut ties with said abusive people. Or severely reduce contact, at the very least.
What I see in Creagan's posts is a belief that she "has to" play their game because they won't let her leave it. To me that's all the more reason to find a way - any way - to leave. I'm trying to explain that there are ways out of this, and though they might be difficult, it's possible, and Creagan doesn't have to wait for the outside excuse of "something else came up and I can't come home this holiday". Her not wanting to go should be enough. Abusers reel you in and make you believe that your own thoughts are wrong. That your own memories are incorrect. That you're not really feeling what you're feeling.
If any of this from me has come off as abrasive to Creagan it's absolutely not intentional, and I apologize. I just want to instill a sense of hope in spite of all this - it's difficult to cut people out, but sometimes it's literally necessary. Creagan does not seem against the idea of removing herself at least in part, which is why I'm talking about this. I'm just trying to explain she doesn't have to wait, because her own feelings should be enough of an "excuse" - and it can be hard to believe that, if you're the focus of the abuse. You're taught not to believe that.
What's the point of appeasing others if you're upset or unhappy or in a shitty mood? Does making them happy get anything? You're still unhappy, so why bother extending any sort of olive branch if they're snatching it from your hands and snapping it?
it has also been literal years that she's been posting about her family and I recognize why someone may want to work on minimizing damaging contact with abusive people while still placating them enough to be able to see members of their family who can't or won't leave (like her mother and brother)
it is incredibly difficult to balance something like that and it sucks. from experience, it sucks to cut out an abuser and lose other family members because of that. am I glad I cut out my controlling, manipulative, and abusive sister? yes absolutely. does that mean I will never, or at least for many many years, speak to my niece again? unfortunately also yes. did it mean my ill and aging father had to sneak out of her house to visit me when he lived with her because she would hurt and punish him if she found out? yeah. is it ideal to tell Creagan to cut everyone out? yes. but I'm absolutely understanding where she's coming from at trying to minimize harm to herself while still being able to see her fam. and it sucks (this is me projecting but whatever) to come to a place to vent about being frustrated with that juggling act to be told to just cut everyone off.
I get that and I can respect that. It's possible I'm projecting a bit too because cutting my parents out of my life was the best thing for me, and being forced to live with my abuser for 10 years was literal hell, and I would have done anything in my power to remove myself from that situation if I'd been able to.
It's also super hard for me to see Creagan post about this over the years, and just reply sympathy words to her, giving variations of "yeah that sucks!" over and over again. Because ultimately, I'd love Creagan to not have to deal with it any more. My default is to try to offer solutions to issues if I can see any. Creagan doesn't have to do anything that I suggest of course, but at the same time in my own experience it's been helpful (to me and to others) to be offered an outside perspective. And to be given the "permission", if you will, to trust your own instincts, and be given a kind word of confidence.
fucking shitty abusers
I really, really don't want to cause more conflict and frustrate people. Especially here.
And yes, cutting out my dad, sisters, and most of my extended family would be the ideal. I don't know if I'll ever achieve it, because at this point I doubt my parents will get divorced and I'm not willing to give up my relationship with my mother. Especially because if something happens and she needs somebody to take care of her, I'm the only person in the family who not only knows what her allergies are, but respects that they're real things. (Gwen and Susan won't stop using perfumes that give Mom migraines and have told her it's unfair she refuses to just deal with it because apparently it's "not that bad.")
But the end goal is fading out of my sisters' lives, while limiting direct contact with my father.
The current goal is to navigate how to manage things now safely, without also being a shitty person. (I almost screwed up on Thanksgiving, but you guys stopped me from being shitty and I really appreciate that.)
I'm aiming for a slow fade out over sudden no contact because I think that approach will work better. And if Gwen and Susan sort themselves out and stop being abusive shitheads, like several people keep claiming will happen, I won't have burned bridges. (I'm not holding my breath on that. Yeah they're young and will change a lot in the next ten years, but Susan's just getting meaner and Gwen's become the train-wreck I always knew she'd be.)
I can't blame him (my fiancee's mom is an asshole), but it's been 20 years, can you really not nut up and act like an adult for 2 days so you can see your daughter get married?
Do whatever your fiancee thinks will work best on her father: Guilt trips, competition, or does he need both?
He has graciously agreed to attend the ceremony so long as ex-wife doesn't try to approach, talk, or make eye contact with him, so I guess that's what we're going with.
Every time I have to deal with her folks I send mine a text thanking them for not being crazy.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
What about asking some physically big friends/cousins to act as bouncers. The second either party starts drama, just quietly swoop in and say they can stop making trouble or they can leave.
Depending on how these people are, there's a good chance they'll find a way to start drama regardless of how careful people are to keep them away from each other. So typically its better to plan for drama than it is to try and stop drama from happening.
In my world, I don't know really what else to say other than that my wife's Uncle has stage IV cancer and I had to go ahead and speak with work about the likelihood of me being out for a few days in the not too distant future. And I dread it so much despite the near inevitably of the situation. Because he's the husband of my wife's Aunt that had to endure dealing with her son nearly going to jail and being an absolutely dumbass, and also took our own sons death extremely hard.
I also am fairly upset at myself with it too because I know that no one is dealing with a harder time right now than her with this but I can't help but be weak about it all and let it cause me to drift into thinking back to our sons funeral. My heart shattered into a million pieces when we lost him and then his funeral shattered it all over again. I fear going through this all may break me again and I'm so afraid of that because of all the times I need to hold it together, it's then for her sake. But I don't think I'll be able to. I'm stronger than this but damn if it's isn't hitting me right in my weakest spot.
And honestly, while I can understand why you'd feel upset with yourself over the situation (men are socialized to "man up" in times of crisis, plus there's that whole "somebody has it worse so you should feel better about your situation because you at least have shoes.) It's okay if you're upset. You can be upset and still help your wife's aunt. Actually, you may be more helpful if you give yourself time to grieve, instead of using mental energy to keep it bottled up.
Also, having a hard time with this doesn't mean you're being weak. You've been hurt. Feeling pain when you're hurt isn't a sign of weakness.
How have things gone since your first post, and with your nephew?
Finally got his teeth in order which was cool though and all credit to him as we finally had a dental visit where he had zero cavities so now talk can start about other work to fix things. His mom continues to be a thorn in our side of course and failing to properly pay bills and file his care properly so yet again he went on our dental and we got a bill so good times. Oh, and our dog broke her leg at 2 AM on a Sunday so we got to get home at 5 AM with a peg legged dog and a delightful emergency late night vet bill. Neither of us get it anymore, we are starting to suspect we may just be had people as deserve the hand we are getting dealt. Just very very worn down.
I'm glad you got your wife's cousin's teeth fixed, and things are at least somewhat stable with your wife's uncle. Hopefully your dog recovers quickly.
Sometimes life just throws as much shit on people as possible. It's honestly amazing how you and your wife have managed to handle it.
On the other end of the spectrum my future in-laws continue to be a shit show. Future MIL has decided that the poem we chose for her to read at the wedding would be 'embarrassing' to her and wants us to find someone else. Future FIL seems to think he's doing us a favor by showing up at all. I'm ready to tell them both to pound sand and I think my fiancee is getting there as well.
dooooooo it
my mom originally tried to pull the "I'm not coming I can't stand to be around your father" thing and I was just like ok you do you. she showed up anyway and was perfectly civil. in fact she tried to play it off as a "surprise", that she was going to say she couldn't attend and then show up anyway, like that's somehow cool and funny. whatever
if they want to be dicks about it, just plan them out of active involvement so you're not counting on them to be actual worthwhile human beings on your wedding day, relieve yourself off the stress, it's entirely not worth it. I'm not saying you have to tell them to go fuck themselves, as much as you want to by now, but instead of trying to herd these shitty shitty cats just acknowledge whatever bullshit they say and don't react to it. ok mom, we'll find another person to read our poem. ok dad, if you don't want to attend we understand. either they'll get over it and act like humans or they won't, but either way you're not expending energy that's on very short supply on their childish bullshit antics
We also decided that this is the end of us trying to have any kind of meaningful relationship with her parents going forward. She's been through 4 1/2 years of hell with surgeries, disability, and chronic pain and these chucklefucks haven't done a damn thing to support us, and now they're shitting up the one bright spot we've had on the horizon with their selfish nonsense.
It just sucks because my fiancee is awesome and deserves way better than this. She just wants a normal, loving relationship with her parents, which is something that's not going to happen and that's a really hard thing for her to deal with.
You've done the right thing.
This is your day and no one elses, you do what makes you both happy.
My parents after having told them we were engaged immediately said they might not make the wedding because we we're originally planning to get married in Ireland. They cited looking after the dogs but then changed it to my mum being scared of travelling.
In the end we got married on our own because we couldn't put up with dealing with them especially as it had started immediately after getting engaged.
They didn't acknowledge her birthday at all. Only stop by the house at random and even then, only for a few minutes at a time. And the last time they stopped by was to show off their beautiful grandchild to family from Taiwan. Who has been in NZ for three months! But they wanted to stop by the day before they left just to look at the baby. Ignore the wife since I'm white and don't disk mandarin. But the baby!
Oh no, time to go now.
And they haven't been back. They see her every couple of months? And this is their first, and right now likely only, grandchild.
Meanwhile, we Skype with my parents all the time, my father sends her presents and toys. My mom was busy moving here for four months.
I mean, i don't really want them along all the time. It's uncomfortable relationship at the best of times. But, they could maybe at least pretend to be interested? They've missed her first birthday, her first steps, her first words.
And now that I've got the sick baby to sleep, bedtime for mummy.
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Are they close to your husband/see him a lot?
Nope! Which does explain a lot. But that's more on his side? There are layers upon layers there that i don't even know, I'm sure.
It's just frustrating. Lol.
But there are worse things.
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If it helps, as far as distant uncaring grandparents go, this is probably the best outcome. Ellie probably won't feel shunned because they aren't close to your husband to begin with, and there aren't any 100% Taiwanese cousins for them to possibly favor over her. She'll probably just end up liking your parents a lot more, and barely caring about her other set of grandparents.
don't worry I know that's not normal/healthy thought, it's just.. sigh
Honestly I'd consider that to be a totally normal reaction, and not necessarily an unhealthy one. If they've been manipulative to you in the past, you're just making sure that you're protected.
Last weekend he and my aunt had gone out to New England for his younger brother's memorial, who died the day before Christmas last year. His younger brother had worked helping design hiking trails in state parks, and all of them went on a few of them just to see his work while they remembered him. On Wednesday he found he had a sore shoulder, and my aunt checked and found a tick biting him. He went to the doctor a few days later, who confirmed that he had contracted lyme disease. This also caused him to get an attack of shingles, from his left wrist all the way up to his shoulder, as well as raising his blood pressure by quite a bit.
He's currently unable to drive, do yard work, or play tennis, and is on so many medications that he needs to use a spreadsheet to keep track of them. My aunt had knee replacement surgery a little over a month ago, so he said their house basically looks like a hospital ward now. She's at least recovered well enough to be able to drive again.
I try not to think about this kind of stuff, and nothing that has happened to him here is related to his age specifically, but he's 77 years old. He's going to die someday. It's going to be pretty rough when that happens. Hopefully a long ways off though.
Somebody needs a long, serious talk about what his options are and how they will affect him.
It is really, really hard to watch somebody struggle with aging. And it's even harder when they're used to being healthy and have to process that they aren't going to make it back to 100%. I'm sorry.
My mom's just kinda winging things without a plan and my brother is flip flopping on whether or not he's moving or staying here. Dealing with the both of them is stressing me out. Texas wouldn't be so bad but my mom is very controlling and abusive and getting away from her has been the biggest struggle of my life. I'm really scared about going with her to a place where I'll be absolutely alone.