[Family] Thread

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  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    Awful, day wrecking, massive depressive rant inside. You've been warned..do not enter...
    My partner's cyst turned out to be malignant. Her family has a history of breast cancer. She's only 34. She's the mother of my three kids and my best friend and the only person who's ever made me feel like I was worthwhile. The thought of anything happening to her...my brain shuts down, won't accept it or examine the possibilities, because NO. I feel not myself at all right now and the barest amount of self introspection makes me just feel...selfish. We can't tell the kids...2020 is already scary-the-fuck enough, without hanging that over them. I just realized I can't tell my brother...my parents would perk up and start swooping around us like literal fucking vultures. So I have to tell someone, and realize my closest connection is a group of internet strangers. Thanks, Internet strangers! I'm going to go crawl inside six beers right now, knowing full well that I need to leave all that shit behind after this evening so I can be properly supportive and stop sobbing in front of the kids. I'm so fucking scared right now

    tynicFishmanUsagiKetargodmodeNaphtalimightyjongyoLabelButlerdjmitchellaAl_watlonelyahavaSolarDarth WaiterDoctorArchElvenshaeMrGrimoireJanson
  • mightyjongyomightyjongyo Registered User regular
    I mostly lurk so maybe it doesnt mean much coming from me, but if there's anything we can do to help let us know. You're not alone!

    XaquindjmitchellamrpakulonelyahavaDisruptedCapitalistElvenshaeJanson
  • lonelyahavalonelyahava Call me Ahava ~~She/Her~~ Move to New ZealandRegistered User regular
    I don't know how much this will help, but I'm going to try.

    My mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 27. My parents had just gotten married. She had a full mastectomy on the left side, chemo, and radiation.

    She survived.

    She got surprise pregnant with me shortly after, she wasn't meant to. But oops happened a lot more often back in the early 80s.

    Mom had another diagnosis of breast cancer in meet early 50s. Another full mastectomy, chemo and radiation.

    She survived.

    Mom has also had colon cancer. Chemo and a resection of the bowels.

    She survived.


    Breast cancer is one of the better understood cancers out there. I'm not saying that you are wrong to be scared, you wouldn't be a human being If you weren't scared. But this is beatable.

    It's not easy. It's definitely scary. But you can get through this and we're here for you if you need us.

    I'm around if you want to chat.

    mrpakuTefDisruptedCapitalistLabelBouwsTUsagiElvenshaeJanson
  • TefTef Registered User regular
    Mrpaku, do not for a second hesitate to get in contact if you need a hand financially. Dunno where you live so I don't know what social healthcare is like where you are.

    Even if it's just to pay for a cleaner to come in every now and again, some extra cash to take the missus out, or buy something for rhe kids of just to pay the bills or whatever. There's no shame in getting help from your friends.

    If I can't foot the whole bill myself, I can always wax my whole body again. I've down it once and I'll do it again, so help me!

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
    mightyjongyomrpakuXaquinlonelyahavaDonovan PuppyfuckerDarth WaiterDisruptedCapitalistUsagiElvenshae
  • TefTef Registered User regular
    Oops that was meant to be @mrpaku

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    Mom just came back from a visit to her older sister in Lafayette and she brought back a bunch of family stuff, one of which is an absolutely ancient utility jacket worn by my great-grandfather when he was in the Marines ... literally 102 years ago ... at the Battle of Belleau Wood ... where his company first sergeant was none other than the legendary sonovabitch Dan Daly. I have no memory of my great-grandad, he died when I was still in diapers, but his utility jacket/blouse fits me like a glove. I can feel his hand on my shoulder.

    Then she just ... drops ... this bomb on me: My great-great-grandmother was Alice Mildred Oatman whose first cousin was Olive Oatman. I am literally a blood relative to one of the most controversial women of The Old West.

    I have no fucking idea how to feel right now other than that I feel like I just got hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.

    Jesus.

    ElvenshaeJedocSkeithSorceXaquinBouwsTtynicDisruptedCapitalistRhesus PositiveDesert LeviathanadejaanLabelJaysonFour
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist screaming Registered User regular
    In the year since my mother-in-law died, my father-in-law has been a bit lonely. Various children have made it a point to visit him on a weekly basis, but I just found out last night that to help pass the time and to keep himself company he's taken to watching Fox News all day.

    thisisfine.jpg

  • Blackhawk1313Blackhawk1313 Registered User regular
    Apologies for Wall of Text.

    So the past six years have seen me get fired a a job because of having to travel back and forth between home and the hospital for our son, only to have to bury him, my wife subsequently find out his condition was due to her own balanced translocation of chromosomes, ensuring we could never normally have children. Then we followed that all up with the loss of most of our friends and our blood red county with the election of a monster.

    Then my wife finished her Master’s, a joyous moment to be sure, and moved forward with her NP and Doctorate... only to have her unable to get clinical hours because we got trashed by only the fourth Hurricane to hit at Cat 5 strength in the US on record, and of course, also have our home trashed by it too and spend weeks without power. This of course was followed by attempting to get insurance to pay up and get the house fixed, had to drop a contractor due to being a scammer, hire a lawyer to fight their bullshit fees, and years later still haven’t received money from insurance company or fixed the house completely. And none of that mentions the previous years in the span where my cousin and aunt lost their homes to Hurricane Harvey flooding, heavy damage to my parents home from Irma, and the wildfires destroying my Aunt Trudy’s house in California.

    2019 looked better, not great but better, but 2020 does not sit idle. So the pandemic fucked my wife’s Clinicals again, no precautions being observed by folks around here, and unsurprisingly resulting in my wife in the medical field being the first in the family to contract COVID with the only bright spot being she survived but not without it still leaving her exhausted most of the time and random tachycardia.

    Then 2020 turned its eye directly on me, making me sicker than I’ve ever been but being unable to test for COVID because it didn’t fit the hallmarks at the time, and leaving me with debilitating GERD and ultimately finding out I also have a hiatal hernia on top of everything else so I can’t even drown my sorrows because even a sip of water can cause me to reflux.

    Then it turned to my wife’s side of the family for a moment, with my wife’s Uncle succumbing to throat cancer.

    I really hoped that the election now would be a turning point, a sign of better things to come and maybe the next decade being less shit.

    Nope, 2020 and life in general had apparently been saving up for my side of the family yet again. See something concerning from one of my Aunt’s on Facebook late last night and call my mom, multiple possibilities already in my head.

    And it was none of them, my Aunt Nancy, the one I grew up knowing closely and was closest to, the one who has always given for others, the one who cares for her husband who had a stroke, and my 90 year old grandmother, the last one I ever expected anything to be wrong with, just got diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer. We find out Thursday the prognosis but the initial implication was months. Which means on top of the devastating emotional impact of losing her, has now detonated a bomb in the family because now trusts have to be figured out since my Uncle can’t manage anything, arrangements for him to live will have to be made, my grandmother will probably end up being taken care of here in Florida by my parents, but they are 70 and while healthy, obviously aren’t equipped for it long term.

    I’m sorry to dump here. I’m just so very very tired, I know I’ve always tried to be a voice of optimism in the face of adversity but I’m running out of steam. Just, come the fuck on.

    tynicmightyjongyobowenFishmanDarth WaiterGoose!CalicaXaquinLabel
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist screaming Registered User regular
    fuckin' a Blackhawk, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

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  • MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    Gonna complain about my mom a bit in here
    Basically... my entire life I've struggled with focus and attention problems. I had the stereotypical experience of being in gifted classes early on and coasting through class until I reached something hard, and then just struggling afterward. If it was something I was interested in, then I did pretty well! If I wasn't, like say, any kind of math, it was extremely hard for me to pay enough attention to actually do well.

    My mom has always maintained that I'm very smart and she doesn't know why I struggled so much in school! For a long time I've thought I have ADHD because, well, all of my symptoms seem to indicate that. My mom NEVER thought that, though. No, I'm too SMART to have ADHD. She has it, she knows what it's like, and I don't have it. Also medication is bad and doctors only prescribe it because they get paid to.

    I never got a formal diagnosis so I've never been really treated for it, mostly due to insurance or it being expensive or just not wanting to deal with it. But I've been making decent strides in dealing with my anxiety with therapy and medication and my insurance is pretty decent with my current job, so I figured why not? I never mentioned any of this to my mom because I know she'd disapprove, and honestly it's not any of her fucking business anyway, I'm a grown-ass man.

    Plus, Anya is exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms I have - impulsiveness, poor time management, hyperfocusing etc.

    Anyway, after a few false starts (tried Strattera, didn't work out, called lots of psychs with no luck for appointments) I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist for an adhd evaluation. That was today. At the end of the appointment my doctor says yes, I think you have ADHD, why don't you try some prescriptions. I'm like, yeah, finally, I can try this. If it doesn't work, there are other things I can try - but I know my adhd is bad enough to not be treatable just through therapy or whatever.

    I tell Rachel the news, she's happy about it, and makes a facebook post about it, mentioning that Anya has the same symptoms and we'll hopefully get her evaluated as well. No mention of giving Anya medication - I'd like to avoid it with her if we can, and focus on other ways first before resorting to medication.

    My mom sees the post, immediately messages Rachel saying she hopes that we don't medicate Anya because we would damage her brain that way. That's not what we're intending to do, whatever.

    I go to my parents house afterward, tell my dad the news, he says oh I hope it helps, just be careful of side effects. I'm like, yeah, of course.

    My mom's reaction is to initially say "So why do they think you have this?" and then proceeds to 'apologize' for upsetting Rachel in that 'I'm sorry you were offended' tone of voice way, but she 'just feels really strongly about medication;' Yeah no shit mom that's why you've been severely depressed for years and everyone finds it miserable to deal with you.

    ... I'm just so tired, everyone. She knows how much I struggled. She knows it took me TEN YEARS to finish 2-year college, and even then it was after a lot of struggling and - surprise - an anxiety medication.

    I feel like parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids decisions, at least while their decisions are fairly reasonable. But nope, just shit on my feelings, mom.

    Donovan PuppyfuckerSorceLabelElvenshaeJaysonFour
  • CalicaCalica Registered User regular
    @Moriveth



    (I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but I thought it might be cathartic :heartbeat: )

    Jedoc wrote: »
    The GOP cares about babies until they're born, soldiers until they're in need of care, and families until they interfere with stockholder dividends.
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  • TefTef Registered User regular
    Moriveth wrote: »
    Gonna complain about my mom a bit in here
    Basically... my entire life I've struggled with focus and attention problems. I had the stereotypical experience of being in gifted classes early on and coasting through class until I reached something hard, and then just struggling afterward. If it was something I was interested in, then I did pretty well! If I wasn't, like say, any kind of math, it was extremely hard for me to pay enough attention to actually do well.

    My mom has always maintained that I'm very smart and she doesn't know why I struggled so much in school! For a long time I've thought I have ADHD because, well, all of my symptoms seem to indicate that. My mom NEVER thought that, though. No, I'm too SMART to have ADHD. She has it, she knows what it's like, and I don't have it. Also medication is bad and doctors only prescribe it because they get paid to.

    I never got a formal diagnosis so I've never been really treated for it, mostly due to insurance or it being expensive or just not wanting to deal with it. But I've been making decent strides in dealing with my anxiety with therapy and medication and my insurance is pretty decent with my current job, so I figured why not? I never mentioned any of this to my mom because I know she'd disapprove, and honestly it's not any of her fucking business anyway, I'm a grown-ass man.

    Plus, Anya is exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms I have - impulsiveness, poor time management, hyperfocusing etc.

    Anyway, after a few false starts (tried Strattera, didn't work out, called lots of psychs with no luck for appointments) I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist for an adhd evaluation. That was today. At the end of the appointment my doctor says yes, I think you have ADHD, why don't you try some prescriptions. I'm like, yeah, finally, I can try this. If it doesn't work, there are other things I can try - but I know my adhd is bad enough to not be treatable just through therapy or whatever.

    I tell Rachel the news, she's happy about it, and makes a facebook post about it, mentioning that Anya has the same symptoms and we'll hopefully get her evaluated as well. No mention of giving Anya medication - I'd like to avoid it with her if we can, and focus on other ways first before resorting to medication.

    My mom sees the post, immediately messages Rachel saying she hopes that we don't medicate Anya because we would damage her brain that way. That's not what we're intending to do, whatever.

    I go to my parents house afterward, tell my dad the news, he says oh I hope it helps, just be careful of side effects. I'm like, yeah, of course.

    My mom's reaction is to initially say "So why do they think you have this?" and then proceeds to 'apologize' for upsetting Rachel in that 'I'm sorry you were offended' tone of voice way, but she 'just feels really strongly about medication;' Yeah no shit mom that's why you've been severely depressed for years and everyone finds it miserable to deal with you.

    ... I'm just so tired, everyone. She knows how much I struggled. She knows it took me TEN YEARS to finish 2-year college, and even then it was after a lot of struggling and - surprise - an anxiety medication.

    I feel like parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids decisions, at least while their decisions are fairly reasonable. But nope, just shit on my feelings, mom.

    My dad had a very tough childhood, and had a 12 month anxiety issue due to work that he got through without seeking professional help nor medication. The result is that he does not believe that depression is real and that people, in essence, should consider simply not being depressed

    This is a very long winded way of saying, I hear you, bro :bro:

    Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better

    bit.ly/2XQM1ke
    JansonMorivethDonovan PuppyfuckerElvenshaeJaysonFour
  • SolarSolar Registered User regular
    Moriveth wrote: »
    Gonna complain about my mom a bit in here
    Basically... my entire life I've struggled with focus and attention problems. I had the stereotypical experience of being in gifted classes early on and coasting through class until I reached something hard, and then just struggling afterward. If it was something I was interested in, then I did pretty well! If I wasn't, like say, any kind of math, it was extremely hard for me to pay enough attention to actually do well.

    My mom has always maintained that I'm very smart and she doesn't know why I struggled so much in school! For a long time I've thought I have ADHD because, well, all of my symptoms seem to indicate that. My mom NEVER thought that, though. No, I'm too SMART to have ADHD. She has it, she knows what it's like, and I don't have it. Also medication is bad and doctors only prescribe it because they get paid to.

    I never got a formal diagnosis so I've never been really treated for it, mostly due to insurance or it being expensive or just not wanting to deal with it. But I've been making decent strides in dealing with my anxiety with therapy and medication and my insurance is pretty decent with my current job, so I figured why not? I never mentioned any of this to my mom because I know she'd disapprove, and honestly it's not any of her fucking business anyway, I'm a grown-ass man.

    Plus, Anya is exhibiting a lot of the same symptoms I have - impulsiveness, poor time management, hyperfocusing etc.

    Anyway, after a few false starts (tried Strattera, didn't work out, called lots of psychs with no luck for appointments) I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist for an adhd evaluation. That was today. At the end of the appointment my doctor says yes, I think you have ADHD, why don't you try some prescriptions. I'm like, yeah, finally, I can try this. If it doesn't work, there are other things I can try - but I know my adhd is bad enough to not be treatable just through therapy or whatever.

    I tell Rachel the news, she's happy about it, and makes a facebook post about it, mentioning that Anya has the same symptoms and we'll hopefully get her evaluated as well. No mention of giving Anya medication - I'd like to avoid it with her if we can, and focus on other ways first before resorting to medication.

    My mom sees the post, immediately messages Rachel saying she hopes that we don't medicate Anya because we would damage her brain that way. That's not what we're intending to do, whatever.

    I go to my parents house afterward, tell my dad the news, he says oh I hope it helps, just be careful of side effects. I'm like, yeah, of course.

    My mom's reaction is to initially say "So why do they think you have this?" and then proceeds to 'apologize' for upsetting Rachel in that 'I'm sorry you were offended' tone of voice way, but she 'just feels really strongly about medication;' Yeah no shit mom that's why you've been severely depressed for years and everyone finds it miserable to deal with you.

    ... I'm just so tired, everyone. She knows how much I struggled. She knows it took me TEN YEARS to finish 2-year college, and even then it was after a lot of struggling and - surprise - an anxiety medication.

    I feel like parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids decisions, at least while their decisions are fairly reasonable. But nope, just shit on my feelings, mom.

    I think you should tell your mum all of that

  • MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    I have tried, dude. I've tried so many ways. It always ends up the same way: My mom blames her attitude on 'just caring SOOO MUCH' about everyone and she's a STRAIGHT TALKER and SAYS WHAT SHE THINKS and DOESN'T BULLSHIT

    It's exhausting! I can't deal with it anymore.

  • Satanic JesusSatanic Jesus Hi, I'm Liam! Registered User regular
    "Straight talking" is just an excuse to say bullshit.

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  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    "Straight talking" is just an excuse to say bullshit.

    "I get to treat you like absolute shit, and when you react to being treated like absolute shit, it's actually gonna be your problem. Also, if you ever give me a even a little taste of my own medicine, I'll hit my fainting couch with the speed of a cruise missile and tell everyone you've ever known how mean you are."

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  • MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    Damn, you know my mom too?

  • Desert LeviathanDesert Leviathan Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Yesterday would have been my parents 40th wedding anniversary, if my father hadn't died 38 years ago. Obviously it's hard to predict how things would have turned out, if they would have beat the odds on divorce, if it would have been a good relationship if they did stay together, or even really what kind of person he actually was, as opposed to how he's been glowingly eulogized to me my whole life, since I was 10 months old when it happened. But there's a part of my mom that's still very much in love with him, even after she's been very happily married to my stepdad for 20 years now, and it makes me assume he must have been a pretty OK guy for her feelings to stay so strong after so long.

    Anyway. If you ride a motorcycle, wear your fucking helmet. No excuses.

    Formerly the Hanged Man
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  • ProlegomenaProlegomena Frictionless Spinning The VoidRegistered User regular
    Moriveth wrote: »
    Damn, you know my mom too?

    She certainly sounds like my mum turned up to 11.

  • mrpakumrpaku Registered User regular
    Moriveth wrote: »
    Damn, you know my mom too?

    We've compared mom notes before. Not gonna try to armchair diagnose someone over the internet, but they both sound eerily similar practically every time I hear you talk about her. Wall of text and my personal story about Borderline:
    My own experience was having my partner point out how unhealthy my mom's ongoing behavior and expectations were, softly and gradually. And it still took me about six years to get out of enmeshment, and realize that she wasn't just "hahaha, my mom's so *crazy*" (like I'd been excusing her to everyone, my whole entire life), but in actuality "holy shit my mom is fucking *crazy*". Like, "I've been being abused and then my abuser makes me apologize to her" crazy.

    I was right there for thirty years, but it took my partner's perspective (and the fact that she builds my self-esteem, as opposed to feeding off of it) to make me realize I'd been gaslit into thinking inexcusable behavior was okay; or that I needed to be her caretaker and was a bad son if I didn't drop everything to do so; or that trying to maintain boundaries wasn't "mean" or "withholding"; or that I didn't have to be there with a bucket in hand to put out the fires she started in everyone's lives at least once a year (when she was offended, or felt ignored, or was just bored and wanted to watch people jump around for her)

    She's never been diagnosed, but I believe my mom (weird to type; stopped calling her that two years ago) has Borderline Personality Disorder. Her refusal to see a doctor and address this as even a possibility is why we haven't spoken in nearly three years now. One of the last things she said to me (this is an exact quote) when I told her that the expectation was non-negotiable was an (almost) pitable "...but, I don't want to spend the rest of my life having to apologize!" So...she even knows what she is, on some level. She immediately turned around and played victim card (they call this waif-ing) to my dad, brother, strangers, whole immediate family. Because I'm somean, and cruel(FYI- The very last straw was her trying to come onto my father in law, then turning around and claiming he made a move on her. I know for a fact she's lying. Guess who the men in my family believe and why). I only still have a relationship with my brother, just barely. She is more than willing to burn down this version of reality completely, if it's not one made to her liking and exact specifications (these last four years under President Chucklefuck have been very familiar, to say the least)

    Again, this is simply my personal experience. I could be way off base here, and if so I apologize. But even just now, when you jokingly mention me knowing your mom...when I really started to get out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and read into this shit? Bordelines *all* basically use identical techniques, out of the same playbook. If you spend five minutes around anyone else who grew up in a Borderline household and listen to their story, and you did as well? You will inevitably get very strong "how did you get into my house that time when I was six" vibes

    There's a community for people Raised By Borderlines on reddit (I know, I'm not a fan of Reddit either) that has helped me. Not even posting there, just checking some of the stories to get that sense of recognition, and be able to give yourself the priceless gift of "holy shit, I'm not the crazy one". As far as book learning goes the best sources I've found are "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". If you ever had questions or wanted to reach out, feel free to PM me as well. Hope this helps! I'm sorry about your mom

    MorivethJanson
  • MorivethMoriveth BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWNRegistered User regular
    Awesomed for sympathy, not because it's actually awesome.

    Anyway, I'm on my second day of adderall, and you know what? This shit works.

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  • MulysaSemproniusMulysaSempronius but also susie nyRegistered User regular
    My husband's godmother(*) passed away this morning from cancer. I kind of had a complicated relationship with her because she was always a bit.. Boomer-ey? She definitely had ~money~ and expected a certain amount of deference from people. If you didn't have the correct manners or interact with her in the way she wanted, she got rather huffy.
    I was pleasant with her because she loved my husband and my daughter. She wasn't mean or anything. She really loved my daughter so very much, and spent so much time with her. She never really warmed up to my son, but he never really noticed. There were a lot of visits of dad and daughter with her while I stayed home with our son.
    We haven't visited her recently because of covid, but had facetimed a bit with her. Last big one was a mini-piano recital. She had given my daughter her mom's old piano as a gift, and my daughter has regular piano lessons.
    We're not sure how to tell my daughter. As she's grown up, she's had her dog, dad's godfather(*) (not related to godmother), and our neighbor pass away. She was less attached to them (dog passed when she was very little), so this will be a big blow. We told her she was sick and in the hospital, but we were really hoping she could visit and say goodbye. My husband was able to visit, at least.
    Oof.

    *My husband had a lot of "godmother" and "godfathers" growing up because his mom was a single mom, and relied a lot on friends to help out. Not really related to religion in any way, but was just a convenient way to say closer than family friend while not being a blood relative.

    If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist screaming Registered User regular
    Friends of my FIL have become alarmed at his behavior lately, so they've been reaching out to some of the children to stage an intervention. Only problem is that among the materials they sent was a thing about Tin Foil hats and now some my siblings in law have a problem because " foil hats really work!"

  • PeenPeen tw1tch0rz occasionallyRegistered User regular
    My wife's mom is having a bizarre meltdown where she hasn't talked to my wife since the election, near as we can tell because my wife posted some celebratory stuff on Facebook about Biden winning? I don't know how to feel because my getting mad feels inappropriate, or how to help my wife besides being there and listening to her, all I can do is be supportive, but this fucking sucks.

    XaquinlonelyahavaJansonElvenshaeDarth WaiterBouwsTmrpakuCalicaFishman
  • FishmanFishman Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Registered User regular
    I'm stealing this from the Christmas forum because it's relevant through the year, not just during the festive season.
    Fishman wrote: »
    There's a Māori word, whānau (pronounciation: Fa-naow), that often gets translated as 'family'. But that's not quite right.

    Whānau is the people closest to you, the ones who make up you support network and are there for your triumphs and troubles. Your whānau are the people you are truly connected with, the core unit of Māori society, and is based on the strength of those relationships; while it would usually be expected it mighty include your closest blood relations, it just as easily might not.

    Māori society recognises that blood relationships are generally strong, but not universally. Your whānau might exclude or include people inside or outside your immediate family. Maybe your uncle is whānau, but your father is not. Maybe your relations are almost completely excluded from your whānau, instead drawing on a pool of close friends and trusted peers. You can't choose your family, but you can choose your whānau.

    Someone once told me your whānau are the people who help you bury the bodies. When you get in that sort of trouble, and you need the kind of help no questions asked, your whānau are the ones you turn to with that trust, and the ones who step up. It's a simple, effective definition.

    I like 'whānau'. I think it's a healthier, more positive rendition of functional societal units. Families can suck, and the idea that 'family' is a functional requirement of society is less accepting of situations that operate outside of that model. I like that the Māori whānau recognises, acknowledges, and accepts a wider variety of healthy positive relationships than just who shares genetics or a roof.


    For those of you with families who do not lift you up, may you find a whānau that does.

    X-Com LP Thread I, II, III, IV, V
    That's unbelievably cool. Your new name is cool guy. Let's have sex.
    lonelyahavaTefRhesus PositiveSharpyVIISkeithmightyjongyoSorcebowenBouwsTProlegomenachromdomDarth WaitermrpakuDisruptedCapitalistJaysonFourMechMantis
  • Sir PlatypusSir Platypus Registered User regular
    So my 2 year old niece was for whatever reason terrified of me. She is slowly warming up.

    We were talking about me taking the older of my brother's kids to Universal Studios with the 2 rules being that their parents are paying for them and that they have to ride the "scary" rides. Which lead to them watching videos of Hulk and Rip Ride Rockit.

    The 2 year old told me that she'd ride one but "you have to howd my hand" and I damn near melted. I don't have the heart to tell her she's a couple of feet too short.

    XaquinCalicaSorceFishmanSkeithRhesus PositiveamethystoakDisruptedCapitalistI ZimbraJedocJaysonFour
  • BaidolBaidol I will hold him off Escape while you canRegistered User regular
    Maybe try the two kids in a trench coat solution?

    Steam Overwatch: Baidol#1957
  • Sir PlatypusSir Platypus Registered User regular
    I didn't do well enough in Physics in high school to know if that would be safe or not.

  • QuidQuid I don't... what... hnnng Registered User regular
    HKUIJytl.jpg

    He’s 22 and complaining the aunt he never tries to talk to only talks to him when he posts stupid stuff.

    The ancient Greeks were right, the youth of today is the worst.

    ElvenshaeDixonmightyjongyotynicGoose!JaysonFour
  • PeenPeen tw1tch0rz occasionallyRegistered User regular
    I didn't do well enough in Physics in high school to know if that would be safe or not.

    I mean they let two babies be an Army General and the President, you should be fine.

    ElvenshaekimeJaysonFourhonovere
  • tynictynic PICNIC BADASS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Hmm apparently my step grandfather “is in a bad way”, something about being “vulnerable to a major stroke”

    I have basically no contact with that side of the family and haven’t spoken to the man since my grandmother died so I’m kind of whatever about the news, but however loosely connected he’s the last of that generation in my immediate family. Feels like the end of an era.

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    My last grandparent died yesterday afternoon - my dad's dad. My parents drove 180 miles to say goodbye, but sadly he died an hour or so before they got there, and was unconscious for hours before that - although my dad said that the quality of conversation was probably the same as normal.

    He was 87, and considering that 16 of the last 20 years were spent on a diet of cigarettes and whisky, he did pretty well. He dropped off our radar some time in the 2010s, but turned up in the hospital after collapsing in the off licence, and was in a residential home for the last three years and apparently enjoying it.

    I last spoke to him 17 years ago at my uncle's wedding. He missed out on me going to university (in contrast, my mum's dad was the first person I called when I got my results), the start and end of my marriage, and basically my entire adult life. My sister still talked to him up until the end, but to me, he was basically a stranger. My dad is taking it well, consoling himself with the fact that he had done everything he had wanted to do with his life and didn't suffer at the end - the death certificate is sitting having to wait until the coroner can work out what finally saw him off, as it was probably a domino effect of organs shutting down. Not Covid, though.

    Dad's a bit upset about not being able to have a family get together, as they're very rare these days, but I suggested that we look ahead to celebrate his life when everything's back to normal, like on what would have been his 90th birthday, and I think that thought cheered him up.

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
    ElvenshaeBouwsTtynicgodmodeSkeith
  • knitdanknitdan Registered User regular
    Plus that gives you a couple years to come up with a good excuse not to be there yourself

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
    Rhesus PositiveDisruptedCapitalistElvenshaetynicgodmodeSkeith
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    I'll do what one of my uncles did for my wedding - ignore all requests for an RSVP for months, then message "I might turn up on the day" four months before the event despite living hundreds of miles away from the venue while we're holding accommodation space open for him and his kids (who it turns out weren't even told about the invitation)

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    My grandfather's memorial is in two days

    He was an amazing man and I'll miss him

    I wish they had held off until more people are vaccinated though

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