lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
So in the aftermath of mom dying, a lot of bullshit happened.
Jewish Tradition states that we bury our dead as quickly as possible. We are also meant to not leave the body alone for fear of Evil eye and demons and things. Usually this is a period of like 24 hours and the vigil is kept by volunteers at your synagogue. There's usually a Death and Bereavement Committee because of course there is.
Anyway.
Mom decided to gift her body to the Humanity Gift Registry in Philadelphia. She was a lifelong Registered Nurse and wanted to continue helping new nurses get better. She's currently at University of Pennsylvania. We'll get her home in about 2 years.
Mom had, through being on the Bereavement committee at the synagogue, and by doing the mitzvah of sitting with the deceased before burial, she had gotten to know one of the families in our home town that ran the funeral home. They were kind, compassionate, community minded, and understood and respected different traditions. As a result, Mom had wanted them to be the ones to handle the arrangements to get her up to Philadelphia.
So after she passed, my brother got in touch with that funeral home, told them to please come get her. When they finally arrived a few hours later, they were incredibly rude to my brother. and showed none of that expected compassion.
Did y'all know that funeral homes are the ones that are meant to be responsible for alerting the Social Security Administration, and also for writing up and publishing obituaries? I didn't, but apparently that is one of the duties.
The funeral home had no idea what the HGR was, so my father had to call the Registry to let them know that Mom was waiting for them. They did not contact Social Security. And they did not do any of the work to write up mom's obituary. Turns out, the family that mom had become close with had actually sold the business to other people last year and the original family were no longer involved.
we have no evidence that mom was kept company through the night. Based on everything else that we know about how they handled the situation, I highly doubt that they had anybody stay with her. Which, to me, is acutely terrifying in a deep spiritual way.
Dad figures that since they weren't getting the big money for a big funeral, they didn't feel the need to care.
So anyway. Dad called Social Security. Dad called the Registry. And Dad and I, 2 days after her death, Dad and I wrote her obituary.
Elizabeth [Beth] of DE passed away on Tuesday January 25, 2022 at home. Beth was
born in Philadelphia to Edwin and Hilma on June 11, 195x. She graduated with her Bachelor’s
Degree in Nursing from Temple University and served as class president. She was employed as a
Registered Nurse for over 40 years working both in Philadelphia and Sussex County, DE. Among her
positions she worked the Mother-Baby Care Unit at Milford Memorial Hospital and served as the
Director of the Women’s Health Center at Milford Memorial as well. Her final job was working through
Christiana VNA providing 1:1 care to a medically fragile child. She retired from nursing when her health
would no longer allow her to function at the level she was accustomed to.
Beth enjoyed sewing, quilting and collecting Little Golden Books. Beth was well known for her love of all
things to do with the Titanic and lesser known tragedies. She would plan vacations to small museums in seemingly
obscure towns to learn more of the history and people involved. She was well loved for her gifts of homemade apple
butter. Beth was a person who never met a stranger, and had a genuine and sincere curiosity to learn about other
people and how they lived. She had a lifelong urge to help people and the overflowing empathy to match that
passion, which shone through from her career in nursing to helping make Quilts of Valor with local quilt guilds. Her
light touched lives around the world, and her ever-present smile and sense of humor helped lift the burdens of
countless people, friends and acquaintances the world over.
She is survived by her husband of 43 years. Daughter Sarah, Son-in-law, and granddaughter. Son Gordon, Brother Donald and Sister-in-law Linda. Brother Stephen and Sister-in-law Delia
A Celebration of Life will be held at a future date. Yehi Zichra Baruch
So yeah. you all have been a source of strength for me these last few years/months/weeks. this community in general has brought me everything that i currently have.
It is going to be bumpy for a bit. But, it does get easier, in time.
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
Thanks friend.
I am taking the current path of trying to not resist the grief, but to welcome it and accept it and break down crying in the middle of a workday as I need.
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
you're fine, Muzz. thank you for the love.
Best advice to come from this, make sure that your family has in their will who they want to look after them, what they want to happen. And also apparently if they want their Facebook page completely wiped, or set into a Memorial Page with an overseer, or just a plain Memorial Page.
apparently the only way to get the page deleted after a person has died is to have it literally written in their Will.
FishmanPut your goddamned hand in the goddamned Box of Pain.Registered Userregular
TW: Partner assault
So, uh, my cousin, 21 and studying nursing, just moved back to Auckland a couple weeks back after losing her job due to lockdown at the end of last year (she had a student job as a pool instructor, but pool closed).
She was studying away because she changed Universities after her best friend died in a tragic accident that made national news a couple years back.
Anyway, she had essentially broken up with her boyfriend because time + distance, but he had been pestering her to come visit now she was back. He's 30, and a big guy - Samoan/Maori. She wasn't feeling strongly about it, but headed over once she had time.
The details aren't exactly clear as to what happened, but in the course of that meeting, he started hitting her. It wasn't a short, loss of temper thing, she was detained, and hit repeatedly, again and again, for over an hour. She's black and blue with welts and bruises. She's got a concussion because at one point he suplexed her into the floor while in a chokehold. At around the 2 hour mark, she managed to escape to a nearby house, and they took her to hospital, while he stole her car and fled.
She's in a bad state; nothing broken: contusions and severe bruising, some neck damage from the strangulation. He's already been apprehended, appeared in court and given a restraining order until trial.
The whole thing came out of the blue; no one had ever been aware of any issues and never suspected that such a thing was even on the cards. It's caught us all by surprise. She's a lovely, caring girl from a good background. She grew up in Kelburn, for Christ's sake.
She's had a week off back home with her best friend and near her parents, but she's determined to go back to study next week, so is travelling back. She had a year off after her first school tragedy, a horrible accident she couldn't do anything about. She refuses to let this fucker win by stopping her study again, but we're all still concerned after what was a brutal experience. Especially as he's still out on the street until trial and apparently has enough anger & motivation to kick this off to begin with, and now she's back in the same city.
We have family up in Auckland, big Dutch/Tongan twins who she visits with and are close to who have the word out in the community about the guy, so people are keeping an eye out. Her brother is up there at the moment too, I think, working MIQ as he's Army Ordinance and not small either.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I hoping to achieve by writing this. I guess I hope that the next update is the fucker is going to prison and not, like, tragic updates, I hope.
I like my cousin. We're not the closest, because age, but she's a nice girl who didn't deserve this. No one does, but she's the kind of person who you'd also never expect it of, you know?
Jesus, Fishman, that's awful. It's doubly fucked up that the guy isn't being held until trial
I'm glad she has people looking out for her, at least. What a nightmare.
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JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
My sister is finally going to bring the nephews to see the house I've been living in for the last four years! She's been all "A bloo bloo bloo, I have chronic cancer and now there's a pandemic happening" but she's finally kicked the chemo for long enough to visit the big city. I'm gonna take Huey Dewey and Louie to the dang old bone museum and my sister and brother-in-law have requested to become turnt at the very best fake Irish pub Oklahoma City has to offer, because they need some place to get fish and chips on Friday during Lent.
It's gonna be a blast, I just wish it wasn't going to be too cold for the zoo and miniature golf!
An aunt on my bio mom’s side passed away and my dad is harping on me calling her family to express my condolences. But the thing is… I don’t know her. I literally had to look up a picture to see who she was. And it’s not because my bio mom was estranged from her family, far from it, that side of the family is extremely close, despite being being a rather large family. But the moment my mom passed away, and my dad remarried a year or so later, I almost never saw them, and being four years old at the time, I never really wanted to question why. And over three decades later, I can’t bring myself to tell my father that he fucked up by cutting me and my brother off from that side of the family.
My uncle (my dad's only brother) had a stroke this evening. My dad described it as a "mini-stroke" but he was exhibiting all the classic signs like drooping facial muscles on one side, lack of muscle control on one side, slurred speech, etc. It sounds like he's going to be ok, he's been conscious the entire night and his symptoms are improving following some treatment. He's only 55, not the healthiest person but not the least healthy either, he caught COVID earlier this year and I can only wonder if that contributed to the stroke.
Feeling a mix of relief that he's doing ok and anxiety over the unstoppable march of time.
I'm sorry. It's rough when people you love start facing those health troubles. Here's hoping for a recovery that's firm. Those recoveries do happen.
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JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
I'm pretty sure my sister is actually dying this time. They're trying to replumb her bile system but she basically hasn't been able to have solid food since December. She's on a ton of pain meds and she looks like a poor little skeleton and her voice is so thin. When she texts she's still like herself so I'm hoping this latest procedure will let her bounce back. I'm not sure she wants to, she's been fighting for so long.
My wife officiated our niece's wedding to, uh, I guess our newest niece.
They didn't start prep until two days out. They are very fortunate we love them and helped set up and omg that was a ton of work. Wife went full project manager.
On the day of the wedding two mothers decided, having not been involved at all, they wanted to run the wedding themselves and had strong opinions about seating, decorations, my wife's dress the couple picked out, the ceremony itself, etc.
The groom (her choice of term) lost the rings for about 15 minutes. The bride's best friend and my wife bonded over telling the moms "No" while they ran everything.
Oddly enough the bride's parents, who objected to the entire wedding over them being gay, eventually came around, helped set up, and supported their decisions the whole time.
I made supply runs and mostly worked for bride's best friend to get things done having proven a person who can make decisions reliably.
Now have an extra niece and my feet hurt like a MFer.
JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
It's been a long day, I'm not going to Canada, and they're moving my sister into hospice right now. At the very moment the plane was taking off I was disassociating in a Men's Wearhouse because I haven't owned a black suit in a decade and a half.
She's forty years old and my only sister and she shouldn't oughta be dying but she's going to, and I'll drive to Amarillo tomorrow. It was never a home to either of us, but it's where I'll watch her die.
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FishmanPut your goddamned hand in the goddamned Box of Pain.Registered Userregular
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
My father hasn't contacted me since my birthday in July. Where we got into a fight about my daughter's citizenship status.
Again.
He sent a care package down in October, including summer clothes for my kids, some candies, and a Halloween costume that she has no interest in and hasn't even left the package (it's an astronaut).
Yesterday the kid got a package in the mail, from my father, that was a stuffed dog toy of the same breed as what his dog is (black and white English Cocker Spaniel).
Last week my brother and i had a 2 hour conversation. He's doing ok, got a new job. But his girlfriend is depressed because she was unemployed for a while.
Sent my brother some photos from Ellie's prize giving at school today (she got an 'you are an awesome kid that embodies the school values' award). Brother calls me almost immediately to let me know that girlfriend had just broken up with him. Not a real surprise, but still a 2.5 year relationship gone poof.
But still, no contact from my father.
Until tonight when I open up my emails and see one from my dad. Asking my husband a computer question.
God he can be such an asshole in soooooo much need of some *serious* therapy.
It's the four year anniversary since going No-Contact with my toxic-AF parents!
Things I've accomplished in that time (without them around making things worse/about themselves/straight up sabotaging):
- Lived through 2020
- Dealt with COVID for my whole family, on my own
- Helped my partner through breast cancer treatment, the scariest thing I've ever done
- Survived a year+ of isolation and online school for my two older boys during the cancer, without outside help (beyond out of state in-laws, as best they could)
- Sold a house/bought a house
- Switched schools for all three boys
- Moved half a country away, out of my home state (which I never thought I'd do)
- All my boys are happy and healthy, and have friends and are involved in school activities, and are ultimately glad about the move
- My partner's career has (after a long time in the "wilderness" finding the right fit) gone from "gets us by okay" to "holy shit, we can save for retirement and live and also not starve", and has been getting better all the time, and she's thriving
- About to find a new doctor and dentist: might get my teeth fixed and start taking proper care of myself, finally
- Looking at maybe going back to college and doing it right this time, just because I can and I actually have a support structure that I trust
- Went to therapy/planning on going back
Yay Freedom Day! Eat s***, P*** and S***!
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
CW Grief and thoughts on healing:
Tonight at sunset, I light a candle. it's a special candle, meant to burn for 24 hours. We call it yarhtzeit. It's the remembrance, every year, of the death of our loved ones. We light a flame that burns for 24 hours (if safe to do so), we say the mourner's kaddish, and we pray for Hashem to let our loved ones memories be for blessings. that they await us in the valley of Gehenna, just outside of Gan Eden, waiting for the coming of the Moshiach (Messiah) when we can all live together again.
My mother's body has gone, gifted to help other learn to be better healers. and her spark of divinity, her soul, is awaiting it's turn to choose, to go back to the Divine Light forever, or to be born again, the be brought down again into a new body, a new Life.
As I look into the flame tonight, burning against the sides of my sink because that's what i need to do because cats, I will think and i will remember and it will be for the good. it will all be for the good.
Her death aches me still, the missing of her brings me deep pain that no balm can heal. But I look at the blessings that i have been shown, the results, and I am thankful. I have embraced my Judaism more. I now strive to introduce myself as Jewish first. I seek the moment of Jewish Joy. I am Learning Torah and reaching for the meaning of my Faith beyond what I was taught to memorize for my Bat Mitzvah, beyond the continual lessons of death and destruction that have hunted my people for generations. I would not have turned towards this path, if not for searching for a balm for the pain of losing my mother.
I am a stronger person, and a better mother, now than i was a year ago. And while the pain is still achingly heartbreaking real, i will be ok.
Blackhawk1313Demon Hunter for HireTime RiftRegistered Userregular
Nothing like waking up in the morning and being greeted by the following text messages from my mom:
“Uncle Mike (Trudy’s husband ) in ICU. Had emergency surgery last night for ruptured colon. Sepsis had already started. Said was a few hours from death if hadn’t gone to ER. Has colostomy bag will reconstruct later. Anesthesiologist put him back on ventilator overnight as didn’t like his breathing was in small hospital with small staff down by Jill. Expect to take him off it this morning. He thought he had food poisoning. Trudy nagged him to get to the ER.”
“Jan here for week visit. Shows up barely able to walk. Dad at ER with her. Think hip bursitis but doing cat scan. She’d fallen January 8, started having difficulty walking and pain, never told us, never saw doctor and flew down here to make it our problem. We have her in BNB nearby (thinking we’d walk back and forth , have a place away from mom to talk etc, not know her issues) which she is unhappy about but she can’t get to air mattress and our bed is too high and I want to sleep in it anyway.”
My mom already has enough on her plate between babysitting to help out my sister with her newborn, taking care of her mom, dealing with her youngest sister having terminal cancer, making sure my dad is good with his A-fib, and still getting back to full strength after having cancer removed. She’s supposed to be retired and enjoying doing things she wants to do, not juggling the family being unable to hold itself together for 5 minutes. Fucking hell.
My father hasn't contacted me since my birthday in July. Where we got into a fight about my daughter's citizenship status.
Again.
He sent a care package down in October, including summer clothes for my kids, some candies, and a Halloween costume that she has no interest in and hasn't even left the package (it's an astronaut).
Yesterday the kid got a package in the mail, from my father, that was a stuffed dog toy of the same breed as what his dog is (black and white English Cocker Spaniel).
Last week my brother and i had a 2 hour conversation. He's doing ok, got a new job. But his girlfriend is depressed because she was unemployed for a while.
Sent my brother some photos from Ellie's prize giving at school today (she got an 'you are an awesome kid that embodies the school values' award). Brother calls me almost immediately to let me know that girlfriend had just broken up with him. Not a real surprise, but still a 2.5 year relationship gone poof.
But still, no contact from my father.
Until tonight when I open up my emails and see one from my dad. Asking my husband a computer question.
God he can be such an asshole in soooooo much need of some *serious* therapy.
Tonight at sunset, I light a candle. it's a special candle, meant to burn for 24 hours. We call it yarhtzeit. It's the remembrance, every year, of the death of our loved ones. We light a flame that burns for 24 hours (if safe to do so), we say the mourner's kaddish, and we pray for Hashem to let our loved ones memories be for blessings. that they await us in the valley of Gehenna, just outside of Gan Eden, waiting for the coming of the Moshiach (Messiah) when we can all live together again.
My mother's body has gone, gifted to help other learn to be better healers. and her spark of divinity, her soul, is awaiting it's turn to choose, to go back to the Divine Light forever, or to be born again, the be brought down again into a new body, a new Life.
As I look into the flame tonight, burning against the sides of my sink because that's what i need to do because cats, I will think and i will remember and it will be for the good. it will all be for the good.
Her death aches me still, the missing of her brings me deep pain that no balm can heal. But I look at the blessings that i have been shown, the results, and I am thankful. I have embraced my Judaism more. I now strive to introduce myself as Jewish first. I seek the moment of Jewish Joy. I am Learning Torah and reaching for the meaning of my Faith beyond what I was taught to memorize for my Bat Mitzvah, beyond the continual lessons of death and destruction that have hunted my people for generations. I would not have turned towards this path, if not for searching for a balm for the pain of losing my mother.
I am a stronger person, and a better mother, now than i was a year ago. And while the pain is still achingly heartbreaking real, i will be ok.
Previous posts quoted for context, but spoilered because holy fuck.
So, Ahava, how you doing? How's your brother? What's been going on in your world?
Well, my mom's Yahrtzeit was Jan 26th.
On Jan 29th I get a middle of the afternoon (for me) phone call from my brother (11pm for him).
There is a woman in our house.
The story that we knew at the time, from what my father told my brother is that
This lady is a nurse, she's been caring for hospice patient in Baltimore. The patient has passed away. Dad has been in contact with this nurse a few times because of *doctor reasons* (implication was that this was an old patient of my Dad's and he was just keeping up with the end results, essentially). Dad and this woman, named Carol, spend many nights on the phone. Suddenly, on January 28th, my brother is left a note on the kitchen table (my father's only form of communication) that Dad has had to go to Baltimore for the day.
Brother comes home from his work and there is a woman in the house, with multiple suitcases. Carol does not introduce herself to my brother at all, she's just... there.
Dad comes home and tells Brother that she'll be staying in Sarah (my) old room, but her toiletries will be in Dad's bathroom, so that my brother isn't losing his bathroom. Dad advises Brother that Carol's living situation in Baltimore had become dangerous for her, possibly even with some physical danger. But she's moving in and now at least the house will have a housekeeper.
Carol still hasn't introduced herself to, or even spoken to, my brother.
Come to the night on January 29th, brother makes dinner for Carol and Dad. Throughout dinner, Carol has her feet in Dad's lap, and he is massaging her feet for her. After dinner, Dad and Carol sit on the couch and turn on "What's up, Doc?" starring Barbara Striesand (also one of my Mom's *favourite movies ever*). They are sitting on the couch, holding hands and watching the movie, and this is when my Brother goes outside for a smoke and to call me and let me know what is going on.
I am, of course, highly emotional about this because it's only just barely been a year. And also, you can't even tell me yourself, you fucking coward?
Previous Spoiler is the information that I had from my brother as of 29 January.
Below is the updates from today
This woman that he moved onto our house without any warning is now no longer just "staying in (my old) room" but is now actively sleeping in his room. With all of my mom's things still there. Closets still full. Drawers still full. Artwork that he and mom bought together still on the walls.
Brother says to him "I thought she was just here to be a housekeeper", which was the line father told brother
Father's response "well the kitchen is clean" oh and he bought her a new vacuum cleaner for Valentine's
And with all of this, he's asked my brother "have you told (family friends) about her?"
And then "have you told your sister? What did she say?"
To which my brother very rightly replied "tell her yourself and your can find out"
This woman is apparently a nurse, but (incoming snobbery and elitism, not sorry) she's one of those that went through community college level certification courses, as opposed to my mom being a full university level RN. Brother is all "this lady is dumb. And cannot hold a serious "shop talk' conversation at all. She forgot what Xanax is"
She's apparently very Southern old cis white lady, Christian (!!!!!!!!!!!!), And most likely voted for Trump
TL;DR: My father is apparently seeing a new person, who has moved into the house and his room. and my Father is too much of a fucking coward to break his own Silent treatment bullshit that he's doing to me to tell me that he's got a new partner. And I am fucking LIVID about how much of a childish coward he is.
People grieve, or do not grieve, in their own way, but that seems like some real bullshit.
Especially the "I'm not telling anyone what's going on" aspect.
Sorry, ahava.
edit: also, how long as this lady known your father?
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lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
No idea!!
She's apparently also a widow, has 2 adult sons. And
That's all I know.
And sure, if he is ready for another relationship and things, fine. Ok.
But at least have the guts to treat me like an adult about it? But he can't give up his game of Silent Treatment until I do what he wants regarding my kid's citizenship, so since he won't give that up, he won't ever tell me.
He's being a selfish childish coward. And That's the part that hurts and infuriates me. At least the most. I'm still angry about it barely being a year before she moved in, but whatever. I can be angry about that but still accept it.
The GeekOh-Two Crew, OmeganautRegistered User, ClubPAregular
I had an odd random thought out of the blue the other day. I realized that if I had learned that I had some long lost relative I'd never known, be it immediate family or more distant relation, I don't think I would give one single solitary shit about it. Unless maybe it was a twin, but that's the only exception I could think of.
I found out a couple of years ago that our grandfather probably had a whole second family we never knew about so it's likely I've got long lost cousins in Melbourne or something.
I don't care one bit, because most of the cousins I actually know about are shit and I don't like those odds.
My mother literally did discover a whole secret side of the family when she found out that someone everyone thought had died back in the early 1900s had, in fact, not
I found out a couple of years ago that our grandfather probably had a whole second family we never knew about so it's likely I've got long lost cousins in Melbourne or something.
I don't care one bit, because most of the cousins I actually know about are shit and I don't like those odds.
Oh sure you say that now.
But 5 years down the line you’ll be working at the local bait shop and in walks an inexplicably attractive man, almost… familiar, somehow, but you’ve never met.
And you’ll strike up a conversation with him, and wow, his accent reminds you of home!
And he’ll take you to the fair, and buy you funnel cake, and ride the ferris wheel all the way to the top together. And you’ll want him to kiss you but he’ll blush and say he wants to be a gentleman, and at the end of the night he’ll just kiss the back of your hand and walk back to his car.
And when the moment finally does come, weeks later, and you’re necking on his couch, he’ll remark on your tattoo, and say he has one kind of similar to it.
But it isn’t kind of similar.
It’s a tattoo of his favorite band, Ace of Base.
What did you expect? A low-brow joke with way too long of a setup?
I've got an aunt and some cousins I've never met because of a falling out between her and my mom when I was but a babe. I occasionally think about reaching out and meeting them but they're also on the other side of the country so it's far too much effort.
Plus the falling out was something like my mom asking to borrow money so my sister could maybe grow up with her eyes pointing in the same direction and her sister going "Well that's very rude of you to ask!" and hanging up on her so.
My father in law knows nothing about his grandfather because the family refused to talk about him. It's a real life "we don't talk about Bruno" situation; it's pathetic how often this happens.
"Simple, real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time." -Mustrum Ridcully in Terry Pratchett's Hogfather p. 142 (HarperPrism 1996)
The 48 hour birthday window has closed. It's now no longer the 17th in the states.
I have checked my emails, and I have checked Skype.
My father has not made an attempt to contact his only grandchild to wish her a happy birthday.
I'm so fucking disappointed. And furious. But mostly just disappointed.
I'm sorry ahava. And I know this doesn't make that part better, but tell the kiddo happy birthday from the forum aunts and uncles. Lots of love to both of you!
Posts
Jewish Tradition states that we bury our dead as quickly as possible. We are also meant to not leave the body alone for fear of Evil eye and demons and things. Usually this is a period of like 24 hours and the vigil is kept by volunteers at your synagogue. There's usually a Death and Bereavement Committee because of course there is.
Anyway.
Mom decided to gift her body to the Humanity Gift Registry in Philadelphia. She was a lifelong Registered Nurse and wanted to continue helping new nurses get better. She's currently at University of Pennsylvania. We'll get her home in about 2 years.
Mom had, through being on the Bereavement committee at the synagogue, and by doing the mitzvah of sitting with the deceased before burial, she had gotten to know one of the families in our home town that ran the funeral home. They were kind, compassionate, community minded, and understood and respected different traditions. As a result, Mom had wanted them to be the ones to handle the arrangements to get her up to Philadelphia.
So after she passed, my brother got in touch with that funeral home, told them to please come get her. When they finally arrived a few hours later, they were incredibly rude to my brother. and showed none of that expected compassion.
Did y'all know that funeral homes are the ones that are meant to be responsible for alerting the Social Security Administration, and also for writing up and publishing obituaries? I didn't, but apparently that is one of the duties.
The funeral home had no idea what the HGR was, so my father had to call the Registry to let them know that Mom was waiting for them. They did not contact Social Security. And they did not do any of the work to write up mom's obituary. Turns out, the family that mom had become close with had actually sold the business to other people last year and the original family were no longer involved.
we have no evidence that mom was kept company through the night. Based on everything else that we know about how they handled the situation, I highly doubt that they had anybody stay with her. Which, to me, is acutely terrifying in a deep spiritual way.
Dad figures that since they weren't getting the big money for a big funeral, they didn't feel the need to care.
So anyway. Dad called Social Security. Dad called the Registry. And Dad and I, 2 days after her death, Dad and I wrote her obituary.
born in Philadelphia to Edwin and Hilma on June 11, 195x. She graduated with her Bachelor’s
Degree in Nursing from Temple University and served as class president. She was employed as a
Registered Nurse for over 40 years working both in Philadelphia and Sussex County, DE. Among her
positions she worked the Mother-Baby Care Unit at Milford Memorial Hospital and served as the
Director of the Women’s Health Center at Milford Memorial as well. Her final job was working through
Christiana VNA providing 1:1 care to a medically fragile child. She retired from nursing when her health
would no longer allow her to function at the level she was accustomed to.
Beth enjoyed sewing, quilting and collecting Little Golden Books. Beth was well known for her love of all
things to do with the Titanic and lesser known tragedies. She would plan vacations to small museums in seemingly
obscure towns to learn more of the history and people involved. She was well loved for her gifts of homemade apple
butter. Beth was a person who never met a stranger, and had a genuine and sincere curiosity to learn about other
people and how they lived. She had a lifelong urge to help people and the overflowing empathy to match that
passion, which shone through from her career in nursing to helping make Quilts of Valor with local quilt guilds. Her
light touched lives around the world, and her ever-present smile and sense of humor helped lift the burdens of
countless people, friends and acquaintances the world over.
She is survived by her husband of 43 years. Daughter Sarah, Son-in-law, and granddaughter. Son Gordon, Brother Donald and Sister-in-law Linda. Brother Stephen and Sister-in-law Delia
A Celebration of Life will be held at a future date. Yehi Zichra Baruch
So yeah. you all have been a source of strength for me these last few years/months/weeks. this community in general has brought me everything that i currently have.
Love you all.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Please, know this.
It is going to be bumpy for a bit. But, it does get easier, in time.
I am taking the current path of trying to not resist the grief, but to welcome it and accept it and break down crying in the middle of a workday as I need.
it's helping, but draining.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Edit: I just realized I found out about this several weeks too late, so I apologize if I’ve reopened up wounds.
WoW
Dear Satan.....
Best advice to come from this, make sure that your family has in their will who they want to look after them, what they want to happen. And also apparently if they want their Facebook page completely wiped, or set into a Memorial Page with an overseer, or just a plain Memorial Page.
apparently the only way to get the page deleted after a person has died is to have it literally written in their Will.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
She was studying away because she changed Universities after her best friend died in a tragic accident that made national news a couple years back.
Anyway, she had essentially broken up with her boyfriend because time + distance, but he had been pestering her to come visit now she was back. He's 30, and a big guy - Samoan/Maori. She wasn't feeling strongly about it, but headed over once she had time.
The details aren't exactly clear as to what happened, but in the course of that meeting, he started hitting her. It wasn't a short, loss of temper thing, she was detained, and hit repeatedly, again and again, for over an hour. She's black and blue with welts and bruises. She's got a concussion because at one point he suplexed her into the floor while in a chokehold. At around the 2 hour mark, she managed to escape to a nearby house, and they took her to hospital, while he stole her car and fled.
She's in a bad state; nothing broken: contusions and severe bruising, some neck damage from the strangulation. He's already been apprehended, appeared in court and given a restraining order until trial.
The whole thing came out of the blue; no one had ever been aware of any issues and never suspected that such a thing was even on the cards. It's caught us all by surprise. She's a lovely, caring girl from a good background. She grew up in Kelburn, for Christ's sake.
She's had a week off back home with her best friend and near her parents, but she's determined to go back to study next week, so is travelling back. She had a year off after her first school tragedy, a horrible accident she couldn't do anything about. She refuses to let this fucker win by stopping her study again, but we're all still concerned after what was a brutal experience. Especially as he's still out on the street until trial and apparently has enough anger & motivation to kick this off to begin with, and now she's back in the same city.
We have family up in Auckland, big Dutch/Tongan twins who she visits with and are close to who have the word out in the community about the guy, so people are keeping an eye out. Her brother is up there at the moment too, I think, working MIQ as he's Army Ordinance and not small either.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I hoping to achieve by writing this. I guess I hope that the next update is the fucker is going to prison and not, like, tragic updates, I hope.
I like my cousin. We're not the closest, because age, but she's a nice girl who didn't deserve this. No one does, but she's the kind of person who you'd also never expect it of, you know?
I'm glad she has people looking out for her, at least. What a nightmare.
It's gonna be a blast, I just wish it wasn't going to be too cold for the zoo and miniature golf!
WoW
Dear Satan.....
Feeling a mix of relief that he's doing ok and anxiety over the unstoppable march of time.
Fuck cancer.
They didn't start prep until two days out. They are very fortunate we love them and helped set up and omg that was a ton of work. Wife went full project manager.
On the day of the wedding two mothers decided, having not been involved at all, they wanted to run the wedding themselves and had strong opinions about seating, decorations, my wife's dress the couple picked out, the ceremony itself, etc.
The groom (her choice of term) lost the rings for about 15 minutes. The bride's best friend and my wife bonded over telling the moms "No" while they ran everything.
Oddly enough the bride's parents, who objected to the entire wedding over them being gay, eventually came around, helped set up, and supported their decisions the whole time.
I made supply runs and mostly worked for bride's best friend to get things done having proven a person who can make decisions reliably.
Now have an extra niece and my feet hurt like a MFer.
"Uncle Quid why are you outside?"
"Someone got me sick and it feels cooler out here."
"I didn't get you sick!"
"I didn't say you did."
"Oh. Who got you sick?"
"You did."
"Oh. Good luck with that."
*rides off on bicycle*
This little shit
She's forty years old and my only sister and she shouldn't oughta be dying but she's going to, and I'll drive to Amarillo tomorrow. It was never a home to either of us, but it's where I'll watch her die.
He made more elaborate things but this one is me.
Again.
He sent a care package down in October, including summer clothes for my kids, some candies, and a Halloween costume that she has no interest in and hasn't even left the package (it's an astronaut).
Yesterday the kid got a package in the mail, from my father, that was a stuffed dog toy of the same breed as what his dog is (black and white English Cocker Spaniel).
Last week my brother and i had a 2 hour conversation. He's doing ok, got a new job. But his girlfriend is depressed because she was unemployed for a while.
Sent my brother some photos from Ellie's prize giving at school today (she got an 'you are an awesome kid that embodies the school values' award). Brother calls me almost immediately to let me know that girlfriend had just broken up with him. Not a real surprise, but still a 2.5 year relationship gone poof.
But still, no contact from my father.
Until tonight when I open up my emails and see one from my dad. Asking my husband a computer question.
God he can be such an asshole in soooooo much need of some *serious* therapy.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Things I've accomplished in that time (without them around making things worse/about themselves/straight up sabotaging):
- Dealt with COVID for my whole family, on my own
- Helped my partner through breast cancer treatment, the scariest thing I've ever done
- Survived a year+ of isolation and online school for my two older boys during the cancer, without outside help (beyond out of state in-laws, as best they could)
- Sold a house/bought a house
- Switched schools for all three boys
- Moved half a country away, out of my home state (which I never thought I'd do)
- All my boys are happy and healthy, and have friends and are involved in school activities, and are ultimately glad about the move
- My partner's career has (after a long time in the "wilderness" finding the right fit) gone from "gets us by okay" to "holy shit, we can save for retirement and live and also not starve", and has been getting better all the time, and she's thriving
- About to find a new doctor and dentist: might get my teeth fixed and start taking proper care of myself, finally
- Looking at maybe going back to college and doing it right this time, just because I can and I actually have a support structure that I trust
- Went to therapy/planning on going back
Yay Freedom Day! Eat s***, P*** and S***!
Tonight at sunset, I light a candle. it's a special candle, meant to burn for 24 hours. We call it yarhtzeit. It's the remembrance, every year, of the death of our loved ones. We light a flame that burns for 24 hours (if safe to do so), we say the mourner's kaddish, and we pray for Hashem to let our loved ones memories be for blessings. that they await us in the valley of Gehenna, just outside of Gan Eden, waiting for the coming of the Moshiach (Messiah) when we can all live together again.
My mother's body has gone, gifted to help other learn to be better healers. and her spark of divinity, her soul, is awaiting it's turn to choose, to go back to the Divine Light forever, or to be born again, the be brought down again into a new body, a new Life.
As I look into the flame tonight, burning against the sides of my sink because that's what i need to do because cats, I will think and i will remember and it will be for the good. it will all be for the good.
Her death aches me still, the missing of her brings me deep pain that no balm can heal. But I look at the blessings that i have been shown, the results, and I am thankful. I have embraced my Judaism more. I now strive to introduce myself as Jewish first. I seek the moment of Jewish Joy. I am Learning Torah and reaching for the meaning of my Faith beyond what I was taught to memorize for my Bat Mitzvah, beyond the continual lessons of death and destruction that have hunted my people for generations. I would not have turned towards this path, if not for searching for a balm for the pain of losing my mother.
I am a stronger person, and a better mother, now than i was a year ago. And while the pain is still achingly heartbreaking real, i will be ok.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
“Uncle Mike (Trudy’s husband ) in ICU. Had emergency surgery last night for ruptured colon. Sepsis had already started. Said was a few hours from death if hadn’t gone to ER. Has colostomy bag will reconstruct later. Anesthesiologist put him back on ventilator overnight as didn’t like his breathing was in small hospital with small staff down by Jill. Expect to take him off it this morning. He thought he had food poisoning. Trudy nagged him to get to the ER.”
“Jan here for week visit. Shows up barely able to walk. Dad at ER with her. Think hip bursitis but doing cat scan. She’d fallen January 8, started having difficulty walking and pain, never told us, never saw doctor and flew down here to make it our problem. We have her in BNB nearby (thinking we’d walk back and forth , have a place away from mom to talk etc, not know her issues) which she is unhappy about but she can’t get to air mattress and our bed is too high and I want to sleep in it anyway.”
My mom already has enough on her plate between babysitting to help out my sister with her newborn, taking care of her mom, dealing with her youngest sister having terminal cancer, making sure my dad is good with his A-fib, and still getting back to full strength after having cancer removed. She’s supposed to be retired and enjoying doing things she wants to do, not juggling the family being unable to hold itself together for 5 minutes. Fucking hell.
Previous posts quoted for context, but spoilered because holy fuck.
So, Ahava, how you doing? How's your brother? What's been going on in your world?
Well, my mom's Yahrtzeit was Jan 26th.
On Jan 29th I get a middle of the afternoon (for me) phone call from my brother (11pm for him).
There is a woman in our house.
This lady is a nurse, she's been caring for hospice patient in Baltimore. The patient has passed away. Dad has been in contact with this nurse a few times because of *doctor reasons* (implication was that this was an old patient of my Dad's and he was just keeping up with the end results, essentially). Dad and this woman, named Carol, spend many nights on the phone. Suddenly, on January 28th, my brother is left a note on the kitchen table (my father's only form of communication) that Dad has had to go to Baltimore for the day.
Brother comes home from his work and there is a woman in the house, with multiple suitcases. Carol does not introduce herself to my brother at all, she's just... there.
Dad comes home and tells Brother that she'll be staying in Sarah (my) old room, but her toiletries will be in Dad's bathroom, so that my brother isn't losing his bathroom. Dad advises Brother that Carol's living situation in Baltimore had become dangerous for her, possibly even with some physical danger. But she's moving in and now at least the house will have a housekeeper.
Carol still hasn't introduced herself to, or even spoken to, my brother.
Come to the night on January 29th, brother makes dinner for Carol and Dad. Throughout dinner, Carol has her feet in Dad's lap, and he is massaging her feet for her. After dinner, Dad and Carol sit on the couch and turn on "What's up, Doc?" starring Barbara Striesand (also one of my Mom's *favourite movies ever*). They are sitting on the couch, holding hands and watching the movie, and this is when my Brother goes outside for a smoke and to call me and let me know what is going on.
I am, of course, highly emotional about this because it's only just barely been a year. And also, you can't even tell me yourself, you fucking coward?
Previous Spoiler is the information that I had from my brother as of 29 January.
Below is the updates from today
Brother says to him "I thought she was just here to be a housekeeper", which was the line father told brother
Father's response "well the kitchen is clean" oh and he bought her a new vacuum cleaner for Valentine's
And with all of this, he's asked my brother "have you told (family friends) about her?"
And then "have you told your sister? What did she say?"
To which my brother very rightly replied "tell her yourself and your can find out"
This woman is apparently a nurse, but (incoming snobbery and elitism, not sorry) she's one of those that went through community college level certification courses, as opposed to my mom being a full university level RN. Brother is all "this lady is dumb. And cannot hold a serious "shop talk' conversation at all. She forgot what Xanax is"
She's apparently very Southern old cis white lady, Christian (!!!!!!!!!!!!), And most likely voted for Trump
TL;DR: My father is apparently seeing a new person, who has moved into the house and his room. and my Father is too much of a fucking coward to break his own Silent treatment bullshit that he's doing to me to tell me that he's got a new partner. And I am fucking LIVID about how much of a childish coward he is.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Especially the "I'm not telling anyone what's going on" aspect.
Sorry, ahava.
edit: also, how long as this lady known your father?
She's apparently also a widow, has 2 adult sons. And
That's all I know.
And sure, if he is ready for another relationship and things, fine. Ok.
But at least have the guts to treat me like an adult about it? But he can't give up his game of Silent Treatment until I do what he wants regarding my kid's citizenship, so since he won't give that up, he won't ever tell me.
He's being a selfish childish coward. And That's the part that hurts and infuriates me. At least the most. I'm still angry about it barely being a year before she moved in, but whatever. I can be angry about that but still accept it.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
I don't care one bit, because most of the cousins I actually know about are shit and I don't like those odds.
I expected The Aristocrats, frankly.
Plus the falling out was something like my mom asking to borrow money so my sister could maybe grow up with her eyes pointing in the same direction and her sister going "Well that's very rude of you to ask!" and hanging up on her so.
You did Nazi that coming?
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
The 48 hour birthday window has closed. It's now no longer the 17th in the states.
I have checked my emails, and I have checked Skype.
My father has not made an attempt to contact his only grandchild to wish her a happy birthday.
I'm so fucking disappointed. And furious. But mostly just disappointed.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
As far as I can tell one of the members was in a skinhead gang as a teenager, and left that long before joining the band.
Seems a bit extreme to judge the entire band based on that but ymmv.
I'm sorry ahava. And I know this doesn't make that part better, but tell the kiddo happy birthday from the forum aunts and uncles. Lots of love to both of you!