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making final arrangemets (yes, those kind)
Maguano
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, after a longish bout with cancer, my mom passed this afternoon, somewhat suddenly, but not entirely unexpected.
The thing is, there really is no book on what to do. (or if there is, its not a best seller)
I'm headed to the funeral home with my dad tomorrow to take care of that stuff, and i was a manager in a florist for 5 years (albeit many years ago) so i got that covered. My question is, what's next?
(besides the crushing grief, and the "fun" times telling my kids (8 and 5) tomorrow morning that their grandmother died?
oh, related question, any tips on the best way to tell them? they knew she was sick, and my older son kinda knew something was up when i hurriedly left before dinner this evening to drive up, (he asked me "why" multiple times, when i said i have to run up to grandpa's)
The thing is, there really is no book on what to do. (or if there is, its not a best seller)
I'm headed to the funeral home with my dad tomorrow to take care of that stuff, and i was a manager in a florist for 5 years (albeit many years ago) so i got that covered. My question is, what's next?
(besides the crushing grief, and the "fun" times telling my kids (8 and 5) tomorrow morning that their grandmother died?
oh, related question, any tips on the best way to tell them? they knew she was sick, and my older son kinda knew something was up when i hurriedly left before dinner this evening to drive up, (he asked me "why" multiple times, when i said i have to run up to grandpa's)
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Sorry Mag
Hope you get through it all ok =(
There's not really a good way to break it to the kids. I would probably do so gently, and emphasize that she loved them and went peacefully.
The funeral home will do many of these things for you. That's basically what they do. If you are a member of a faith community, or your mother was, they are often also very helpful in this time. Both groups know that people aren't well equipped for this sort of thing and have a procedure to walk you through.
If you would like, feel free to send someone less emotionally involved to talk to the funeral home. They are a business and will sell you some things you might not need, but at the same time it's not something you should worry about too much. It's going to be a tough time to get through, but you will do so.
Again, I'm sorry to hear about this. ::hug::
Where do you live? My province has a checklist laid out on a government website, helpful for the more mundane things like that most people wouldn't think of offhand like cancelling personal ID. "What to do following a death" and your home state would probably glean similar results
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http://easysite.commonwealth.com/EasySites/EasySite_M1621H/_uploads/Executor Checklist.pdf
http://www.woodendlaw.com/Practice-Areas/When-A-Loved-One-Dies.shtml
http://www.executorscorner.com/resources/checklist-for-executors.html
As for how to talk to your kids... my sister and I were around that age when my paternal grandmother, and then my maternal grandfather passed shortly after one another. Don't worry too much about the 'best' way. It's difficult information to take in, but be honest with them. I'd focus on letting them know that she's at peace.
Switch: SW-7603-3284-4227
My ACNH Wishlists | My ACNH Catalog
gamertag:Maguano71
Switch:SW-8428-8279-1687
Switch: SW-7603-3284-4227
My ACNH Wishlists | My ACNH Catalog
Also, laugh at what you can. It helps.
First thing's first: who has the will and is it signed/official/up-to-date/etc? Then, who is the executor of the will? They will be responsible for carrying out all wishes on the will and managing the estate and the finances from the estate.
The will should have money set aside for the small things like getting death certificates, but if not, be ready to figure out how to pay for that and other things. The executor may be expected to drive all over the place and make small payments, and that should be able to come out of the estate as part of the management funds. Start figuring out how many certificates to get, because it seems like every single place requires an official death certificate before doing anything. Insurance claims, retirement funds, banks, and all will require an official cert.
Then the fun (not) part of managing where and how the estate is sold or appropriated to heirs and friends and whatnot. Make a list of everything officially listed in the will and where it goes, and figure out that part first. It can take several months for this to get completed, so don't stress about time.
Then go through everything else and start making lists, or even better, one 'official' list. The executor should make it known that they are doing this and hopefully everyone is cooperative. A lot of times, the list will be made, the immediate family members will go through and divvy things up through mutual agreement, then decide whether to sell or share everything else. It varies a lot with every individual circumstance.
Perhaps just as importantly as everything above, keep open communications with those who are close to your mom, i.e. family members, close family, and then close friends. Something may have been communicated at some point that the executor needs to be aware of. The open communication also helps everyone be assured that the executor has more or less final say in what is done in regards with the will. They are, of course, bound by the will and it's stipulations, but everyone should feel comfortable and trusting of the executor.
Also, find out if you need to go through probate procedures in this case. You can call your local probate court and ask questions, I found they were extremely helpful.
In my case, the funeral service included a checklist of "what now" things. It helped, to be sure, but I varied from it a little and everything ended up fine.
All in all, remember that everyone should be and usually is understanding of the situation. If you take a little time getting things sorted, that is perfectly ok. Don't let the stress get to you, and take your time reading anything legal. Read it several times, or read it once, then wait a week and read it again. There is no immediate rush.
The above is a bit of a mess, and for that I'm sorry. It has been 2 years and everything was a bit of a blur now that I look back. There are still one or two things left floating in "getting there" from the whole business. All that being said, I'm so sorry for your loss. Feel free to PM with any questions. My mom died from cancer too, and that was a profoundly shitty thing for cancer to do to us. If nothing else, I wish you all the best.
Not wrong in the least. While i've "only" had to deal with grandparents passing away so far, humor is very helpful to getting through the whole process.
When my grandpa passed several years ago, my wife and I had to drive from Virginia to New York for the funeral...which just happened to be scheduled as an ice storm was causing huge traffic problems for that area of the country. We had to hack the car out of the ice, turned a usual 6-hour drive into a day+, finally made it to Pennsylvania somewhere...and still had to admit defeat and turn around because we just wouldn't have enough time for things to clear beforehand - rather than being depressed about missing the gathering, we just kept in mind that grandpa had a great sense of humor himself, and likely would have thought the whole series of misadventures was hilarious and understood completely.
Don't do that.
So, practical advice:
One, death certificates. You will need a lot, as pretty much any change you need to make will require one. I'd recommend requesting 10 to start with, and be prepared to ask for more.
Two, find out what your employer's bereavement and EAP policies are. The former is to find out how much leave you have available, while the latter is to find out what options for support are available. Which leads to...
Three, look into therapy. This helped me, and it is something that you should find out about. If your employer has EAP, they should cover a few sessions with a local therapist.
Four, be on the lookout for predatory lenders. There are a number of lenders who will use a death as an opportunity to get people to "resolve the debt issues" of the deceased, and they WILL guilt trip your family to do so. Don't be fooled - debt doesn't transfer, and they know how probate works. Remind them of that.