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Am I too old to be a geek?
jetlaguar
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need some straight up advice here, and this sounds like the type of community I would identify with, so hopefully you can steer me in the right direction.
In a few months I'll be 36. And my life sucks. All I have is my geek hobbies and a few geek friends. Is it too late for me to turn it around, go get some more 'regular' hobbies and possibly even find women who aren't seemingly pushed away by how shallow I am?
(By shallow I mean 'oh he doesn't do anything that isn't kids stuff' type shallow)
I'm in a depressive downturn right now and I can't get out so I'm sorry for bringing this to you. I just feel that I've fucked my life up beyond repair by letting it get to this stage and any professional help I have tried has always failed (they seem to be to be nothing more than listening posts who cant give you direction)
I feel my age has effectively stymied the person I am, as in 'why didn't he grow out of this shit years ago?' And people will be suspicious of why I don't do anything else. Why I've never been to a concert, never traveled etc. Kind of a red flag. Were I a younger man this might be seen as just inexperience that comes in time. But not now.
If you don't think it is too late for me, please, please throw me a bone as to what I am supposed to be doing to make this right..
Help
In a few months I'll be 36. And my life sucks. All I have is my geek hobbies and a few geek friends. Is it too late for me to turn it around, go get some more 'regular' hobbies and possibly even find women who aren't seemingly pushed away by how shallow I am?
(By shallow I mean 'oh he doesn't do anything that isn't kids stuff' type shallow)
I'm in a depressive downturn right now and I can't get out so I'm sorry for bringing this to you. I just feel that I've fucked my life up beyond repair by letting it get to this stage and any professional help I have tried has always failed (they seem to be to be nothing more than listening posts who cant give you direction)
I feel my age has effectively stymied the person I am, as in 'why didn't he grow out of this shit years ago?' And people will be suspicious of why I don't do anything else. Why I've never been to a concert, never traveled etc. Kind of a red flag. Were I a younger man this might be seen as just inexperience that comes in time. But not now.
If you don't think it is too late for me, please, please throw me a bone as to what I am supposed to be doing to make this right..
Help
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Are you doing what you do because it is what you want to do with your life, or because it is easy and provides an escape from reality? I have definitely used hobbies to do the latter myself.
You can definitely still make changes in your life at your age. There aren't a lot of middle-age redemption stories in popular media, which can make it feel like they don't exist, but it doesn't mean it can't and won't happen.
It is entirely possible to be a huge geek and still have a well adjusted social life. You can be the DM for your local D&D campaign, collect MtG, and collect comic books and still go spend time with friends or try new things.
Even something as simple as joining a local ultimate Frisbee league or getting a dog and going jogging with it can do wonders. Start small. Money and time can keep you from traveling, but it shouldn't be too hard to catch a local band playing at the bar or even to go a bit out of town to catch a favorite of yours. Invite friends. Make conversation with people.
Oh and also no, you're never too old to be many things, and a "geek" is one of them. But, like, don't let that define you and all.
but it's not too late, and age is really meaningless. you're not even 40 - forget the idea that it's too late. just make a decision to do something different. save up and travel. sacrifice gaming expenses for a while for a plane ticket. take up a new hobby - photography or cooking or whatever. it sounds like you have a much greater degree of freedom than you give yourself credit for - take advantage of it, and branch out.
I do wonder sadly if I am using this as another weak 'girls don't like me' diatribe. It's been a long time since my last relationship, and slightly less longer my last... activity. My 'child' hobbies are just another barrier in the way along with health and... well, much more I could say. I'll spare you
(You'd never be able to tell someone I was talking to about a date referred negatively to my interests lately, huh.
I think I need to make more friends, ones who will go to new and different things. But I don't really know how to.... at my age. Sorry, recurring excuse.
Perhaps both. I do enjoy them don't get me wrong, even during a depressive bout when nothing is enjoyable I find some comfort there. But I certainly use fantasy to escape my woes.
Also, the first thing you need to do to get girls to like you, is to get you to like yourself.
I have been to see psychologists, psychiatrists, counselling, a private $$ appointment session, reiki, hypnotherapy and acupuncture in the past few years, so I have certainly looked into things. It bothers me that I may just be unreachable. I am currently going to try looking around again though, I can reach further than I used to be able to so the right person my be out there. The biggest issue I had with most talking therapy is that I can put forward all of my issues, but it's like talking to a listening post and they can't tell you what to do or really even direct you towards the right path.
I have been told that phrase before. I don't know how to like me.
You don't need to make any excuses to anyone for not having been to concert or travelled or whatever. Having geek hobbies is great, and fyi there are plenty of women with geeky hobbies as well!
If you want to branch out though, but are still worried about your health problems, you can always find hobbies that are more stationary like a book club, craft club, learning to become a better cook, learning to paint/draw/sculpt.
There certainly are girls into things like I am, but most of them I've met are most certainly (and rightfully) taken! It is a rare treasure indeed.
They don't do these things because that isn't their job. That's your job. Maybe discussing the lack of empowerment in engaging with your own independent will would be helpful. The right path is whatever you come to understand it to be, a therapist can't define this for you. They aren't the boss of your life.
You seem to put a lot of emphasis on definitions; that's okay, I do too. But I think your frame of reference could use some adjustment. Whatever you may like, I guarantee you there are plenty of girls who like it too. "Kid" stuff may be marketed toward children, but that doesn't mean adults can't enjoy it and it doesn't make it shallow. Not everyone likes concerts or traveling. No one has to do those things to be a functional adult or even a well-rounded person.
All you have to do to make "stuff right" is come up with some shit you'd like to do. I suggest something that is modestly social and reasonably casual. If you drink, or aren't opposed to being around people who drink, try finding a quiet dive bar, ordering a beer or pepsi and shooting some pool or throwing some darts by yourself. Here's the great thing, you may be fucking trash at it and quite literally no one will care. Shit, bring one of your equally poor at social interaction friends out with you and have some fun.
Pick things to do, do the things you picked... start small. Find a therapist who will help you get over the anxiety surrounding doing new things because I suspect this isn't a new problem.
I also go to the gym 5 days a week. Play a team sport once every week or two. Organise activities with friends once every few months (paintball, obstical course races, BBQS, trip to comedy club etc). I'm also in a relationship with a non geek.
I've never been to a concert and never travelled further then 2 hours by plane. As those things just don't interest me. Are you trying online dating by any chance? The fact you bring those two up suggests you might be. Most people say they want to travel and put music as things they enjoy in their profiles. Very few actually travel a lot and go to concerts all the time. So if you are don't let it put you off.
The trick I found is just not to let yourself stay a shut in. With our type of hobbies its very easy stay in the house all weekend painting figures and playing games etc.
It's also not to be ashamed of what you do and enjoy which so many geeks are. Nothings a bigger turn off then someone looking all sheepish and ashamed when asked about their hobby.
You don't have to force yourself to do something you know you hate. But sometimes it's healthy to force yourself to try something your indifferent about/not formed an opinion on yet.
The good news is that you can collect good skills and things along the way, like chievos for doing tricky shit in game.
Do what you like and if that falls under a label, then so be it provided the label isn't something like "murderer."
There are things I would like to do. However I have a serious phobia of doing stuff alone. Which is hypocritical because I tend to do everything mostly alone anyway. But my friends are either tied down with family/significant other, or they live far away, or are worse than me for wanting to go out to new stuff.
I'd like to maybe try some sports in the area (tbh it's a bad area for activities). Go see some music perhaps. Definitely go somewhere warm for summer just for once.
More than that I'd just want to... be ok with myself. Like seems to much. I just want to stop the continuing, persistent hate, but I don't know how. And yeah I suppose I'm hiding said hatred of myself behind 'w-well my interests suck so I do'.
It's a long way away (Europe to US) but I'd totally be up for it. I would end up so lost and bewildered however it might just be a very expensive trip to sitting in a corner.
Please no. Women with nerd interests aren't rare treasures. They seem rare because of attitudes like this, where they get treated like some kind of magical unicorn to be immediately snapped up and 'taken' when they appear. If you maintain this attitude, they will avoid you at all costs because being treated like a rare treasure is intensely uncomfortable when you just want to play some RPGs or Magic or video games or talk about anime.
Dropping the attitude that your hobbies are rare or weird or completely different from everyone around you will help a lot. People who are big into rock climbing don't have a huge community to hang out with in their immediate area either. There's so many ways to communicate with the millions of people across the world who share your interests, as well as introducing new people you meet to your hobbies by not being ashamed of them, the key is to just treat it like a normal interest and not something far out and strange. If you meet a new person, welcome them into your life and hobbies, introduce them slowly so that they aren't overwhelmed, because there's a lot to take in under the umbrella of nerd culture, and they'll probably like it! Millions of people across the world share your interests, remember?
A few sessions won't fix everything, it really won't. But what they can do is give you ways to approach changing your life that are appropriate and approachable to you as the person that you are. Don't be afraid to call into a few offices and chat with the person you'd be seeing a bit beforehand, and shop around. If they won't have a 10-15 minute chat with you about what you'd like to get out of therapy, their specialty, and their approach, they are probably not a good person to see. Once in a great while they'll even tell you that while they don't really specialize in what you're looking for, here is this other person they know in the area who does. Don't be afraid to try people without "psych" in the title.
Part of this process, though, is talking in depth about the things that scare you, going home, and then returning the next week for more. When I said it takes courage I really meant that, but a good therapist will help you through that process in a way that lets you feel safe to do so.
Maybe I misspoke a little. I see them as a rarity sure, but I don't act that way around any I have ever met. Ive only ever been as courteous and or jokey as with anyone else.
It was more that people are being nice and reassuring.
My issue with therapy, besides having tried quite a few, is that they get expensive. I do not want to commit to someone charging 50 per session or more and for nothing to come out of it.
Point is, change in yourself comes from within, and the attitude that others who are there for the express purpose of helping you achieve your goal are too expensive and not effective is in itself not effective. You've got to really just go be yourself or get going making the changes to be happy. The alternatives to those two paths are not in happiness and fulfillment.
If you are looking for very specific recommendations for your situation, then you need to provide very specific details such as where you live, the activities you want to partake in, the activities you do not want to partake in, etc etc. The advice in this thread has been generalized and subsequently brushed aside as not effective, but that can be changed with some more details. If you aren't willing to throw those details out there (understandable!) then the advice is to find someone local that can help you with those details (but oops, a therapist is probably a good choice for that too, they tend to have accumulated lists of places for differing hobbies and such).
Doing shit alone is scary initially, but then you have a ton of fun doing something badly (or don't, at least you learned you didn't like something) and you forget why you were scared in the first place.
Do your thing, haters gonna hate, so ignore them and just do the shit you like. Better to enjoy things than to ask "what if" or "I should have". As far as flights/medical etc. - start small with trips to places closer with good medical care. It's not like doctors and hospitals don't exist in other states or countries.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding like I'm brushing anything off. I'm taking this all seriously. In fact I'll be browsing another set of therapists this week and sending some mail out. I did not know they had 'hobby lists' (to be honest, I'm not even sure what I want to do 'new').
In a lot of cases you might not need to go totally "alone". I've been to a few groups through meetup.com (a board game night and some girl gamer meetups) a bunch of people at both events were new to the groups and there was a lot of friendly chit chat. I think the biggest fear I had is that everyone was going to know each other and I'd just awkwardly sit on the sidelines. Luckily people were really friendly. If you can talk to some people online before you go, it might help!
A small bonus to this though, Geeks are one of the most accepting folk around for the most part on average, and easy to locate online, via gaming conventions, local shops, and the like.
The way you talk about your hobbies doesn't seem to pain you, but the way you talk about how people in your life are treating you for them? That is some toxic shit.
Then there's the dates I go on, who range from 'ehh' to 'I wouldnt understand that, I'm a girl'. Someone actually said that.
My hobbies do actually pain me sometimes. I get embarassed and angry that I'm almost a stereotype. I want to throw it all in the trash and be 'regular.'
you're just worried that you're not
First off, get into shape, like olympic swimmer or gymnast as your end goal type shape. Getting strong instills confidence, which will motivate you to do more stuff. In addition, people (both men and women) generally treat athletic looking people better. Anyone who has gone from chubby to athletic can attest to this. Which is why the first advice I'd give is to get into shape.
Next, find a sport and participate. My personal sports are all non-mainstream ones, and here's the thing, even unusual sports have fans and local meet ups. So pick a sport that interests you, go do it, and then find a group to do it with. It's the easiest way to meet new people and expand your circle.
Note that sports and geek hobbies are not mutually exclusive. NBA guard Jeremy Lin played Clash of Clans together with his teammates. UFC fighter Ronda Rousey obsessively played World of Warcraft prior to her recent bout in February. No reason you can't do both either.
Finally, for concerts and travel, just go. Look up artists you like, find one who's touring, and buy a ticket to a venue nearby. Look up interesting places a tank of gas away, book an inn, and just drive there. You'll be fine.
What you are looking for isn't "not being a geek" its some social-solo balance. The best thing to do for that is find stuff to just fill a few nights a week. You really aren't going to miss those Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday nights at home.
So assign all the "maybes" a number and roll some poly-dice. I thought you said you were a geek?
Hell the more unusual the better. I started curling-yeah that weird Winter Olympic sport- this year. Every time I meet someone and tell them I curl, that's a hell of a lot more of a conversation starter than some boring mainstream 'I golf on the weekends' shit. Met a guy and his wife whose home got robbed, and he was most upset about the 300 hours of Mass Effect saves on his 360 he lost...You'd never pick him out as a 'geek' in a crowd-which is meaningless stereotype crap the most jack'd guys I know are definitely geeks apparently being wired to chase meaningless sin game cheevos can carry over to "if I keep my macros right I can squat 375 next week". Also met a couple we are going to play Dominion/ Settlers with in a couple weeks, etc. Go for the more esoteric shit. Weird seeks Weird.
You could start by doing one new thing a week. Go to a museum or historic site, go hiking, read a classic novel + some criticism, go to a bar and listen to some music, get a new album, local sporting events, etc.
You might start small with your travel too. Travel doesn't have to mean going across the pond to the U.S. Maybe get a Eurail pass this summer and take some weekend trips.
One thing that has really helped me out with dinner conversation on dates or a parties is reading The New Yorker magazine. I am not sure what your equivalent might be, but being able to introduce a topic of general interest and discuss it intelligently will go along way towards convincing people you aren't "shallow."
Seriously, F1 is the nerdiest sport in the world. It's the alpha of bench sports. You can sit there all day and be like 'oh these new tires is going put Ferrari at a huge disadvantage and F1 just isn't just the same with all these regulations to slow down the cars and keep drivers from dying all the time'. I mean, hell, you can get deep into racing simulations and people will think your multi thousand dollar racing sim rig is amazing.
If you want something hands on, I would look into cooking, an excellent skill for life improvement overall. There are also other fun activities, if you like miniature painting, maybe you'd enjoy some other aspects of art? What if you took a wood working class to make display cases for your work?
Do you like reading? Consider a literature class, or a book club (some are more serious than others). Do you like chess? look into rookie competitions. Scrabble? same thing.
Super beginner yoga classes are usually a friendly place to start thinking about becoming more healthy. Find a studio that has a first timer workshop, the teacher will be relaxed and patient if the place is any good. I did my first class with a ton of old ladies, old ladies gave zero shits about how they looked, or how I looked.
I have some social anxiey and when I have a true choice between staying in and going out, I stay in. I've worked on this over the years, but it still effects me. Classes work well for me because I feel committed, and the interaction expectations are already set out for you from years of being in school. I like concerts and traveling is okay, but they definitely don't define me as a person, and I do them pretty rarely.
I just wanted to provide an alternative "Go join some team sports!" which while I agree would be totally cool to do, maybe a little terrifying for your first venture into expanding your life.
For example, D&D is essentially fantasy football only with different random factors. Comic books are really the same thing as daytime television serials only the characters are trying to save the world in addition to their personal lives. League of Legends is essentially the same as soccer with a really weirdly designed court (and the minions are the ball).
When I met her my wife didn't really have any ties at all to gaming culture or sci-fi fantasy. I didn't really have any ties to murder-mystery novels or hockey. I was willing to learn and she was willing to learn and together we both now enjoy these things together. Rarely will you have people who have the exact same interests. A more important aspect to dating is to make sure you are compatible personalities. We are both very laid back, low-stress people so we complement each other well by just hanging out and loving life. My buddy is a very high-impact person and his wife is a very quiet, introverted person, but they both like to be pushed out of their comfort zones. They complement each other well by doing things like a pendulum, spending equal time being quiet and indoors and going out on the town because they are constantly engaging their desire for different experiences.
Long story short: you will always put more energy into a relationship than you get back and what you like shouldn't be all that defines you. Find ways to be social in a means you are willing to learn and enjoy about with others and maybe others will be willing to learn and enjoy what you like in return.
But to me, the mark of a grown person is that they no longer define themselves by what others think of them. If the people around me don't get all my hobbies, that's fine. I still put them out there, and once in a while I find a muggle with a bit of crossover interests. There's a 60 year old woman in HR that loves Game of Thrones and noticed my House Stark banner, couple of the girls around the office squee'ed at my baby Groot, and every once in a while someone comes by to comment on Dark Souls or Bloodborne, because they know I know that kind of shit. Am I a grown man with toys in my cube? Fuck yeah, and no apologies.
But there's good advice in the thread regarding broadening your horizons. I lucked out that I latched on the Football as a kid, so that's something I can talk with the less geeky folk, and I like to push it on my friends as the geekiest sport out there. I mean each position has totally different stats, and it's pretty much a simultaneous turn based strategy game from the coach's perspective. If you think you're hopeless, start with simulation games... play some Rock Band, maybe you'll want to take up an instrument. Starter motorcycle and training is ~$2000, and is a guaranteed way to have way more people starting conversations with you.
And if your body hasn't given up on you get, get in shape now before it's too late. Holy hell, the difference the last few years has had on my ability to recover has been dramatic. Physical fitness is a huge contributor to happiness, and the sooner you start the faster you'll get there.
To be fair, no person of any gender is safe from this reaction. ( I personally have squee'd all alone when I got my baby groot socks heh)
Granted, it's going to vary depending where you are and what groups you end up finding, but it was a life changer for me. I was in your position, hobby wise, until I joined it when I moved to a new city and had no idea how to make friends. Met great people with a varied amount of hobbies.
Now I have friends who I rock climb with. Friends I run with. Friends I play board games with. Friends I watch anime with. Friends I can nerd out over comics. Friends who I went to PAX with.
It's all about just being open to different activities and people. It's hard to believe for a lot of us, but most people are actually friendly and receptive to you if you're friendly and open.
Good luck man.
Ultimately the biggest downfall in my life at the moment is the breakdown of a friendship I cherished so, so much and that has a knock on effect to everything including my crisis of geekery I brought up here.
Right now I only see two ways to go; either totally start over, ditch everyone and everything, or... well, that ones not fit for reprint.
I appreciate all your guidance in this!