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Alcoholic, Anxiety, or Normal? Need an Objective Perspective
AltyMcAltinstein2
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, so if this reads like a crazy person wall of text post, believe me, I feel that way. Apologies.
Additionally, I'll be looking into finding a therapist I can talk about this with.
If this is too much background for you, skip down to "the problem."
Background
Booze/Recent Background
The Problem
Shortly after that, I saw some passing article headline about how there's an "alcoholic spectrum" rather than a binary state. The next day, I saw some articles about people being "pre-alcoholics." As soon as I saw these, my anxiety spiked. I told myself to not to indulge my anxiety and went through the day, but the seed had been planted.
I was already thinking of cutting back a bit, just because my newfound tolerance bothered me/probably wasn't great for my health to drink 5 or 6 rounds every Friday night, but a sneaky fear started rambling around in my head. If there's an alcoholic spectrum, then what if I'm on it? What if I've ended up moving myself toward alcoholism? What if I'm already an alcoholic? What if I've been one and didn’t even notice? I mean, after all, my dad is one, and now I’m drinking more on Friday nights, regularly. Growing up I was told to never have a drink because I'd turn out like him. Maybe my overprotective mother was right.
I tend to be a skeptic about things, especially when it comes to needless anxiety, but it kept nagging at me, eventually ending up with me binging on Googling about the subject- I read up about alcoholism, dependence, etc. On some/most nights out, I found out I probably qualified for binge drinking (6 in 4 hours!). I didn't think I was a binge drinker! I barely even drank during the rest of the week. Hell, I only started drinking a few years ago. Turns out binge drinking isn't being drunk for an entire weekend, and can be separate from alcoholism (my misunderstanding of the term only made me feel more naive).
So I Googled "how to tell if your'e an alcoholic" and took an online 20 question self-test. Then I took another, and another. Almost all of them said I was a little past (or right at the entrance of) being a certified alcoholic.
My stomach sank.
Except all of the tests were very reductive and generalized- the questions were vague and binary. I feel a bit guilty about everything thanks to growing up Baptist, so naturally I'd feel guilty about drinking. I've never had a blackout, but I've remembered specific jokes or a phrase later the next day that I wouldn't have remembered without a trigger (like a dream). Does that count as a blackout for a yes or no question? "Do you drink because you're shy?" Well, I certainly am shy and when I am drinking, that lessens, but isn't that why a lot of people drink socially? "Do you look forward to drinking?" I only looked forward to drinking on my one night a week friend get together, or if I wanted to try a new cocktail that I'd always heard about in movies. Have you ever lost time at work because of drinking? I came in an hour late a couple times, but we're on flextime so does that really count? I've also come in an hour or two late for other non-drinking reasons/flextime. How do I tell if I’m in denial or if the tests are too general? "Do you want a drink as soon as you wake up?" Well, no. I don't think so. But my repulsion to alcohol during a hangover has lessened, as have any hangovers I've had. Does that count? All the tests did was confuse me, ramping up my uncertainty and worry and need to know.
A lot of the literature I read began with "If you've looked this up, you're an alcoholic" or "only you can tell if you're an alcoholic." Well, shit, that doesn't help.
I didn't know which way was up- my mind was/is so nervous and afraid of this that I couldn't tell you whether or not I actually want a drink. I kept thinking about the example of the power of suggestion- if a person tells you not to think of a pink elephant, suddenly it's all you can do to try and not think of it. Did you really want to think about it?
Regardless of how inconclusive everything appeared to be, I decided to err on the side of caution. If I couldn't tell whether I needed to cut back or not, there was no harm in cutting back anyway- after all, I was planning on doing so before this anyway.
I went to my group of friend's usual Friday night out and was easily able to take it down to 3 drinks while still having a great time- but it felt different. It felt like restraint, rather than the blowing off steam (and getting drunk) that I was accustomed to. Ultimately, it proved that I could tone it down, but that just made me think I was an alcoholic even more: after all, I didn't get that "blow off steam and let loose" itch scratched. Only an alcoholic would miss letting loose. Only an alcoholic would have to cut back.
Feels
I fear/must admit that I like going out and partying/getting drunk with friends. I like the lessening of my social anxiety, and it's fun to talk to strangers and meet new people. I enjoy hanging out with them, trying new flavors of drinks, and I enjoy laughing and cracking jokes. I don't like the idea of having to forgo that/cut that out. I get nervous when I think about what those nights would be like without booze, because I have to admit, they wouldn't be as fun.
But more than that, I don't like the idea of that feeding into "never being able to get enough" or causing a lifelong problem/disease/addiction for which there is no cure.
The fact that I like cutting loose once a week worries me. I don't do it alone, and I don't do it on a Monday night or anything. Is it just the fact that I've established it as a habit? That I've mentally linked good times with friends with good times with booze? That's the real killer of anxiety/possible OCD- I don't know if I can ever truly know why I'm doing something. It's improvable. I began to think of ways I could still keep some of that- maybe only go once a month? Thinking about ways to keep drinking with friends just makes me feel like a really am a hopeless alky. Is it habit, or is it a craving?
Right now I can reduce my drinking and control it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable- like I'm doing it because I have a problem. The idea that I'd be trapped in a reality where I can't enjoy booze with friends like a normal person, doomed to maintaining sobriety and always resisting a relapse (this is where my self-doubt about whether or not I really crave drinks, or am I craving drinks because I'm afraid that I crave drinks?) sounds like a lifetime of anxiety and work.
I don't feel like I have a problem if I'm not thinking about it, if that factors in. The thought that if I had to be on a lifelong medication that would prevent me from drinking doesn’t upset me, oddly enough. The thought of cutting booze down or out for health reasons doesn’t bother me either.
I guess at the end of the day, I just don't want to be an alcoholic and I'm afraid that I am one and am in denial, or are on my way to being one. I've never had a DUI, I've never done anything awful that I regret while drinking (except maybe overshare to friends, or that one time I sang Flagpole Sitta at karaoke- but those are both pretty normal social anxiety things), I've only ever thrown up from drinking once. I had no problem or anxiety cutting back for financial reasons, or for health benefits (when I was trying to lose weight), and have done those before for the periods of time I needed to without feeling bad about it.
Now that this is something I have to think about, I can't get it out of my head.
The anxiety and guilt of possibly having trained myself to become an alcoholic by partying every weekend (I was never even the type to be a partier) intrudes on my work and personal life- as I type this, I've called off work today due to the sinking feeling in my stomach that I'm actually an alcoholic and my trying to think it through/logic it out is just me trying to deny it.
Not thinking about it, avoiding reading articles about alcoholism, or not “checking” helps, but I can’t tell if that’s me being in denial. When I don’t think I have a drinking problem, I feel fine. The problem is that I think I have one a lot of the time, now.
TL;DR
For the past 2 years I've gone out and got intoxicated with friends once a week. I like doing that and am kind of sad at the thought of not doing it. I'm afraid I that I like being drunk. Am I an alcoholic, or am I just getting anxious over nothing?
Do you guys think I'm an alcoholic?
Or is this just my anxiety/obsession with proving unprovable things combining with my fear of becoming like my father?
Am I just (relatively) new to drinking and not sure what's going on?
Or maybe a little of all three?
Extra Credit: What should I do? Bare minimum, I plan setting a limit and only drinking a max of 4 rounds (shooting for 2-3) at my group's weekly gathering, and maybe skipping a week each month and not going, or going and having just water.
Also, thanks so much for reading a giant wall of possibly crazy blahhhhh
Edit: Ho boy, that's a long post. Sorry. First time I've talked about this at all.
Additionally, I'll be looking into finding a therapist I can talk about this with.
If this is too much background for you, skip down to "the problem."
Background
- I worry a lot. I don't know if I'm a full-on hypochondriac, but I can definitely be influenced by the power of suggestion and fear (I think this comes from a need to be certain, which I'm sure people in logic/science fields can kind of relate to).
- I have anxiety issues. I know it's lame to self-diagnose, but it's clear based on the patterns in my life. Fear of being in situations without control, fear of change, and fear of terrible things happening.
- My father is (probably) a functional alcoholic and had some anger issues.
- My mother coped with this by doubling down on guilt and religion....
- …which is why I didn't have my first drink until I was 26.
- I’m a 30 year old male.
Booze/Recent Background
- 2 and a half years ago, I moved to a new state, caught up with some old friends, etc. Eventually, we got into a routine of going into the city and hitting a bar or two on most Friday nights. I'm a pretty shy person with some real inexperience socializing due to my sheltered religious upbringing/being a total dork, so it was a lot of fun to learn what "normal" people did.
- Most of the time we'd have 3 or 4 drinks over the course of the night, and we'd all sober up for a couple hours before making our way home. Occasionally, by the end of the evening (5 or so hours) we'd be drunk and end up calling a cab, etc. A friend or two were going through some rough times, so the likelihood of getting drunk would increase or decrease.
- Other Drinking - I would have a single beer or a cocktail with dinner maybe once a week. If I had an extremely tough day at work (rare) I might have a 2nd while watching Netflix or something.
- Social Events – At weddings or social events I'd have a glass of whatever was being served.
- During this time period I never had any anxiety about drinking or drinking problems. Sure, some Saturday mornings I'd feel like death, and some others I'd have a headache, but most of the time I wouldn't. Sometimes I'd think back to some embarrassing thing I said, or wonder if people were judging me- but I figured that was normal, or at least normal for me thanks to some social anxiety.
- The only reason I thought booze was okay in the first place was because I came to realize that I'm not my father in a lot of ways, and that fundamentalist mom went overboard in declaring everything evil.
- Last year I moved into the city and stopped needing to drive everywhere. As a result, the artificial drink limit I set on myself for these weekly Friday night get-togethers stopped being there- I could walk a couple blocks and be home, so I didn't need to stop early enough to sober up to drive.
The Problem
Shortly after that, I saw some passing article headline about how there's an "alcoholic spectrum" rather than a binary state. The next day, I saw some articles about people being "pre-alcoholics." As soon as I saw these, my anxiety spiked. I told myself to not to indulge my anxiety and went through the day, but the seed had been planted.
I was already thinking of cutting back a bit, just because my newfound tolerance bothered me/probably wasn't great for my health to drink 5 or 6 rounds every Friday night, but a sneaky fear started rambling around in my head. If there's an alcoholic spectrum, then what if I'm on it? What if I've ended up moving myself toward alcoholism? What if I'm already an alcoholic? What if I've been one and didn’t even notice? I mean, after all, my dad is one, and now I’m drinking more on Friday nights, regularly. Growing up I was told to never have a drink because I'd turn out like him. Maybe my overprotective mother was right.
I tend to be a skeptic about things, especially when it comes to needless anxiety, but it kept nagging at me, eventually ending up with me binging on Googling about the subject- I read up about alcoholism, dependence, etc. On some/most nights out, I found out I probably qualified for binge drinking (6 in 4 hours!). I didn't think I was a binge drinker! I barely even drank during the rest of the week. Hell, I only started drinking a few years ago. Turns out binge drinking isn't being drunk for an entire weekend, and can be separate from alcoholism (my misunderstanding of the term only made me feel more naive).
So I Googled "how to tell if your'e an alcoholic" and took an online 20 question self-test. Then I took another, and another. Almost all of them said I was a little past (or right at the entrance of) being a certified alcoholic.
My stomach sank.
Except all of the tests were very reductive and generalized- the questions were vague and binary. I feel a bit guilty about everything thanks to growing up Baptist, so naturally I'd feel guilty about drinking. I've never had a blackout, but I've remembered specific jokes or a phrase later the next day that I wouldn't have remembered without a trigger (like a dream). Does that count as a blackout for a yes or no question? "Do you drink because you're shy?" Well, I certainly am shy and when I am drinking, that lessens, but isn't that why a lot of people drink socially? "Do you look forward to drinking?" I only looked forward to drinking on my one night a week friend get together, or if I wanted to try a new cocktail that I'd always heard about in movies. Have you ever lost time at work because of drinking? I came in an hour late a couple times, but we're on flextime so does that really count? I've also come in an hour or two late for other non-drinking reasons/flextime. How do I tell if I’m in denial or if the tests are too general? "Do you want a drink as soon as you wake up?" Well, no. I don't think so. But my repulsion to alcohol during a hangover has lessened, as have any hangovers I've had. Does that count? All the tests did was confuse me, ramping up my uncertainty and worry and need to know.
A lot of the literature I read began with "If you've looked this up, you're an alcoholic" or "only you can tell if you're an alcoholic." Well, shit, that doesn't help.
I didn't know which way was up- my mind was/is so nervous and afraid of this that I couldn't tell you whether or not I actually want a drink. I kept thinking about the example of the power of suggestion- if a person tells you not to think of a pink elephant, suddenly it's all you can do to try and not think of it. Did you really want to think about it?
Regardless of how inconclusive everything appeared to be, I decided to err on the side of caution. If I couldn't tell whether I needed to cut back or not, there was no harm in cutting back anyway- after all, I was planning on doing so before this anyway.
I went to my group of friend's usual Friday night out and was easily able to take it down to 3 drinks while still having a great time- but it felt different. It felt like restraint, rather than the blowing off steam (and getting drunk) that I was accustomed to. Ultimately, it proved that I could tone it down, but that just made me think I was an alcoholic even more: after all, I didn't get that "blow off steam and let loose" itch scratched. Only an alcoholic would miss letting loose. Only an alcoholic would have to cut back.
Feels
I fear/must admit that I like going out and partying/getting drunk with friends. I like the lessening of my social anxiety, and it's fun to talk to strangers and meet new people. I enjoy hanging out with them, trying new flavors of drinks, and I enjoy laughing and cracking jokes. I don't like the idea of having to forgo that/cut that out. I get nervous when I think about what those nights would be like without booze, because I have to admit, they wouldn't be as fun.
But more than that, I don't like the idea of that feeding into "never being able to get enough" or causing a lifelong problem/disease/addiction for which there is no cure.
The fact that I like cutting loose once a week worries me. I don't do it alone, and I don't do it on a Monday night or anything. Is it just the fact that I've established it as a habit? That I've mentally linked good times with friends with good times with booze? That's the real killer of anxiety/possible OCD- I don't know if I can ever truly know why I'm doing something. It's improvable. I began to think of ways I could still keep some of that- maybe only go once a month? Thinking about ways to keep drinking with friends just makes me feel like a really am a hopeless alky. Is it habit, or is it a craving?
Right now I can reduce my drinking and control it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable- like I'm doing it because I have a problem. The idea that I'd be trapped in a reality where I can't enjoy booze with friends like a normal person, doomed to maintaining sobriety and always resisting a relapse (this is where my self-doubt about whether or not I really crave drinks, or am I craving drinks because I'm afraid that I crave drinks?) sounds like a lifetime of anxiety and work.
I don't feel like I have a problem if I'm not thinking about it, if that factors in. The thought that if I had to be on a lifelong medication that would prevent me from drinking doesn’t upset me, oddly enough. The thought of cutting booze down or out for health reasons doesn’t bother me either.
I guess at the end of the day, I just don't want to be an alcoholic and I'm afraid that I am one and am in denial, or are on my way to being one. I've never had a DUI, I've never done anything awful that I regret while drinking (except maybe overshare to friends, or that one time I sang Flagpole Sitta at karaoke- but those are both pretty normal social anxiety things), I've only ever thrown up from drinking once. I had no problem or anxiety cutting back for financial reasons, or for health benefits (when I was trying to lose weight), and have done those before for the periods of time I needed to without feeling bad about it.
Now that this is something I have to think about, I can't get it out of my head.
The anxiety and guilt of possibly having trained myself to become an alcoholic by partying every weekend (I was never even the type to be a partier) intrudes on my work and personal life- as I type this, I've called off work today due to the sinking feeling in my stomach that I'm actually an alcoholic and my trying to think it through/logic it out is just me trying to deny it.
Not thinking about it, avoiding reading articles about alcoholism, or not “checking” helps, but I can’t tell if that’s me being in denial. When I don’t think I have a drinking problem, I feel fine. The problem is that I think I have one a lot of the time, now.
TL;DR
For the past 2 years I've gone out and got intoxicated with friends once a week. I like doing that and am kind of sad at the thought of not doing it. I'm afraid I that I like being drunk. Am I an alcoholic, or am I just getting anxious over nothing?
Do you guys think I'm an alcoholic?
Or is this just my anxiety/obsession with proving unprovable things combining with my fear of becoming like my father?
Am I just (relatively) new to drinking and not sure what's going on?
Or maybe a little of all three?
Extra Credit: What should I do? Bare minimum, I plan setting a limit and only drinking a max of 4 rounds (shooting for 2-3) at my group's weekly gathering, and maybe skipping a week each month and not going, or going and having just water.
Also, thanks so much for reading a giant wall of possibly crazy blahhhhh
Edit: Ho boy, that's a long post. Sorry. First time I've talked about this at all.
AltyMcAltinstein2 on
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This discussion has been closed.
Posts
One night of drinking a week is no problem, unless you go nuts and drink so much you puke every time you drink. 5-6 over the course of the night isn't crazy binge drinking (some definitions put it at 3 drinks in a night, but that's dumb as hell).
Hell, sometimes I'm drunk 7 nights a week (which is, honestly, a bit much, and I'm cutting back a bit). If you're getting drunk every day, or being drunk during the day at work, then maybe start worrying. If you drink so much that you black out and throw up every time you drink, then start worrying.
PS4:MrZoompants
Definitely keep looking for a therapist to talk about your anxiety. That sounds like a way bigger issue than the drinking.
Growing up in a religious environment and having missed most of the usual teenage/college-milestones (I feel drinking is one of those), it's tough to know what's normal or not. Especially when you have anxiety to double/triple/check.
but they're listening to every word I say
Yep. The default plan is to just cut back (which I've done before for some time periods for other reasons), and maybe even propose a couple other events (movies, shows, etc) once in a while instead of only drinking.
The fear is just the uncertainty on whether or not I've locked myself into a unrepairable condition- or that I've set myself up with an addiction that I can never get enough of.
I seriously doubt you've permanently altered your brain chemistry. It's not like you have been shooting heroin.
but they're listening to every word I say
My feelings on alchohol have always been that your ok unless your doing one of two things: 1. having to drink everyday to just get through it, or 2. When you do drink you have no control over the amount you drink and you get to a puking/blackout stage everytime.
You sound fine to me, there is nothing wrong with liking the feeling of being drunk, that's why people drink, we enjoy that feeling.
Just go out enjoy yourself once a week, your not being an addict.
You can be an alcoholic and only have a few drinks, and conversely you can drink all the time and not be an alcoholic.
Could you imagine these same nights out drinking soda, or water? is the alcohol integral to the experience?
If you drink because you need the alcohol to allow you to "open up or loosen up" or to "feel better after a long day" and you have a difficult time enjoying yourself without the assistance of alcohol, then that's not a good thing.
I'm that type. That's not alcoholism.
Personally it does sound like anxiety, and it does sounds like something you can change about yourself.
I don't know. This is part of the problem (especially with my anxiety. Not knowing the why, being able to prove feelings or emotions drives me up the wall). Not being able to say conclusively whether or not I *need* a drink/am an alcoholic is what activated this whole anxiety spiral. It's fun? It lets me hang out with some friends and have some laughs that may not have been as funny without? Mutes social anxiety? Maybe?
I can imagine these nights out being sober, and while they'd be fun, they wouldn't be as fun. If no one else in attendance was drinking, I probably wouldn't drink, or would just have a single drink). I can hang out with people and enjoy myself without booze (and do so with other friends that don't drink quite regularly), but it feels like it would be more fun when having had a drink or two (not drunk or blowout). Booze does tend to loosen me up, as I am quite the introvert, and have some anxiety/lack of experience with social situations. It feels easier to get along with new people- but it's not required. I guess I'm not sure how to tell what is a need vs. a want.
That being said, I can easily imagine cutting back for no reason without being bothered by it. Or if medically required (say, like in the case of anxiety medication or anti-depressants) ditching having alcohol altogether for the rest of my life and not losing any sleep over it.
There have been times when I would have liked a glass at a particularly stressful dinner/social event (say, a recent ex that was in attendance), but didn't for...no real reason. Just didn't drink. There were other times, like at a family cookout with relatives that I don't get along well with where I thought "man, I could use a drink, this is so awkward" but just didn't drink because it didn't seem like the right thing to do (maybe unrelated, half the fam doesn't know I drink).
Outside of these weekly "Friday Night Bar Nights," I don't think I really feel the need to get drunk or even drink that much. Maybe I do? Anxiety and overthinking it have clouded my brain. Last week in particular I was able to ditch having a glass with dinner entirely without a second thought, and managed to cut the drinking on last Friday night down by half with no difficulty.
I have a habit of being afraid of things outside of my control and trying to "prove" that they aren't real. Like seeing a spot on my back, then researching a bunch of things about skin cancer, finding it meets some diagnosis but not others, telling myself I'm overreacting, scheduling an appointment with a doc, then him telling me "oh yeah, that's nothing."
Unfortunately, with things like drinking addiction/alcoholism, I don't think there is a test that I can get that says whether or not I am one conclusively, so I think my anxiety has free reign to always doubt.
What do you think?
Edit: gosh, so many typos
it does seem like you should be talking to someone about your anxiety though, because dang
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
The difficulty is that it's often difficult to objectively look at your own life (for any reason, alcohol or otherwise), and it's easy to rationalize pretty much anything. It's probably a good idea to get an outside opinion from someone who actually knows you. While it doesn't sound like you are an alcoholic (going out to drink with friends once a week? That's not terrible.), there's no way for me to actually know unless I was your coworker or significant other or boss. You could be framing it favorably to us unconsciously.
tl;dr You're an alcoholic when the alcohol hurts you or those you love. That's what I would worry about, and not the specific amount of liquor you are consuming or at what interval. Get an outside opinion from someone who actually knows you.
Keep in mind that alcohol is poison though. Poison can be helpful but it is not something you want to rely on if you can help it. If you truly feel you need alcohol to open up to friends, or strongly prefer how you act after a small amount of alcohol you should see a therapist about social anxiety. They should be able to help you a lot. It sounds like you have a ton of anxiety anyways so it would probably be beneficial for you for other reasons.
As for @Hahnsoo1's bold, I guess what bugs me is that if I (hypothetically) party hard enough that it effects my work life a couple times, that sounds more like a lack of responsibility on my part than an addiction. I guess it would be if it impairs personal or professional life consistently and if I couldn't stop.
As for now, since I can't "prove" whether I am one or not (which I sheepishly admit sounds like crazy talk), I can only think to stop trying to overanalyze, and at the same time cut down on the booze in general. I hope that @admanb's advice about once I cut back drinking a bit then the anxiety about being an alky will lessen is true. Maybe once I'm not on a weekly "have more than I probably should" routine schedule, I won't feel like I'm in danger of it escalating. I'd already made the decision to drink less anyway. I'll see how that works for a week and regardless of results look into getting a therapist.
Maybe I am an alcoholic, maybe I'm not, maybe I'll never know. Maybe how I feel about it changes based off of whatever article I most recently read and how bad my anxiety is that day. The problem is that I feel like I have to know for certain and can manage to doubt both sides consistently.
But I think freaking out about this enough to call off work and feel stressed for an entire day maybe sounds more about anxiety than possibly being an alcoholic in crazy denial- all I know is that I didn't have any of this self-doubt about it a few months ago when I didn't even think twice about being an alcoholic.
A "lack of responsibility" is one of the many justifications used. If you run over a kid in a car because you were drunk, no one is going to say "Hey, you just lacked responsibility"... they are going to say you are an alcoholic, and they'd be right.
And one or two nights where it screws you over isn't that big of a deal, unless you get fired. You are rolling the dice there, every time. It sounds like it doesn't affect your work right now, so I would not start worrying about that aspect.
I think many people with some social anxiety (myself included...) feel more comfortable if there is some shared activity such as playing a board game or video game, doing a sport, or having a set discussion topic like in a book club. If the shared activity is drinking then cutting back might feel less uncomfortable if you have some other activity that you're doing instead of just not drinking.
Actually, not that many. Occasionally we'll go see a movie or watch one at a friend's house, but that's once in a blue moon.
I like the suggestion- I was thinking of contacting some friends and seeing if they wanted to set up a weekly game night or something like that.
Thanks so much.
I'm definitely pursuing solutions from a therapy standpoint for the anxiety- if I'm calling in sick for anxiety then it's definitely effecting my life in an negative way.
If you find that you ever NEED a drink, or if once you start you can't stop until you are sick or blacked out every time you do drink, that would be a good time to start worrying. It does not sound like you have problems in those regards.
Anxiety + alcohol can be a dangerous combo, but as long as you are safe about it you should be ok. Just don't try to self medicate with alcohol. I made that mistake, and I AM an alcoholic.
Your posts in here are very on point and are the things I am thinking as I was working out a reply to the op.
Don't worry as much about the label. If you can easily stop drinking because you want to, then you aren't an alcoholic. That is a superpower that alcoholics don't really have.
That being said, there are other things that you can think about. There is such a thing as drinking too much without being an alcoholic. Your liver doesn't really care about what your psychological relationship with alcohol is, all it knows is how much ethanol is being thrown at it. Plus, calories, you know?
Okay you can relax about this. Those questions are indeed a bit vague and binary, but generally you can answer 'no' if you have to reason yourself into a 'yes' like that. Forgetting little things isn't blackout (as you forget little things all the time), blackouts are when you forget periods of time or big things like a bar that you went to or a person that you talked to or that you climbed a building. Same with shyness and looking forward to drinking, there is a clear difference between looking forward to next friday's fun and looking forward to the moment you can drink again. It's not about hanging out with friends or trying new interesting drinks, it is about getting a drink and having one. Alcoholics tend to think a lot about booze during the times they don't have any.
I quit drinking 7 months ago (best decision ever) and I met a lot of alcoholics at the clinic. What they mean by a spectrum thing is that there are a lot of ways in which you can be a problem drinker. But the defining trait is that it is a problem. It's not about the number of drinks or the times at which you drink (never drank during the day), it is about the problems you get from it and the problems you try to repress with it. A lot of my friends drank plenty, but I was using it to cope with depression and other things. Most people aren't on the spectrum, but you can be on the spectrum and not realize it because you have a wrong idea about what alcoholism is.
I don't really like to use the term alcoholic, I prefer the term problem drinker as it better covers the issue, but you don't seem to be one. You're just anxious. Which might be a good reason to quit or vary your drinking for a while anyway, as it might lessen the anxiety.
Being aware of your alcohol consumption (as opposed to being overly anxious!) is a smart thing. Maybe talk to your GP/medical professional next time you're in for a checkup; they'll likely be better able to discuss the health impacts of drinking, and more importantly, how it is (or isn't) affecting your health.
Good luck with things buddy.
Has alcohol caused problems in my life?
I've been and hour late to work after a friend's birthday party or something (again, my work environment is very flexible. Sometimes people don't come in for the entire morning. Also I've taken advantage of that quite frequently for other, non "out late last night and tired" or "feeling a bit hungover" reasons, but then again, that could just be a rationalization).
I think the most damning thing is that I once brought a flask to a wedding that I was obligated to attend with an ex that I wasn't getting along with. I ended up doing nothing with it and quickly felt that the whole idea was dumb and kind of juvenile (kinda skipped most of those moments growing up). That's probably the most embarrassing/counts as a negative behavior.
I tend to play some guilty pleasure songs on the jukebox that the next morning I feel slightly embarrassed about/if I weren't drinking I probably wouldn't have.
...but the biggest problem it's ever caused has been the anxiety about becoming an alcoholic in the past month. During the past 2 years, I don't think my drinking has done anything at all close to this constant anxiety/fear about having become an alcoholic without noticing it. Reading through responses that suggest I'm probably not has made me feel normal and relieved, and when a post suggested maybe I am or maybe I can't objectively tell had made me spiral into a blind panic/running for the bathroom with an upset stomach (totally not a slam or insult on posts or posters at all, or even disagreeing. I hope that's clear. I appreciate all advice on this, just giving an idea of how nervous it makes me).
I was able to make it into work today after bottoming out on nervousness last night. Doing a bit better today.
At my least anxious, I can see a few things:
Maybe I could keep drinking the same amount at these weekly get togethers, but I don't want to, and have/will cut back. Maybe in a hypothetical future I could party hard once in a blue moon, but certainly not now, and certainly not soon (and maybe not ever. I'd be alright with that). It's the fact that this behavior was routine that caused it to sneak up on me in the first place, so I'll be halving any intake and trying not to use one to unwind after work or something (probably overly cautious, but hey, whatever, I don't want to establish that as a coping mechanism). Quite frankly, I don't know when the next time I'll attend/have a drink is, actually. The anxiety has me kind of avoiding it.
As for now, I'm leaning toward the side that I'm not an alcoholic, but maybe I'm closer than I'd like. I don't think there have been any real negative consequences in my life from it, and I'd like to keep it that way. There certainly haven't been any "wake up calls" or anything like that (outside of feeling a bit uncomfortable with having a tolerance)...which is probably why I didn't think anything was wrong for the 2 years I'd been drinking weekly/regularly.
Of course, in an hour from now I'll remember some time where I wanted a drink and go back to thinking I'm secretly an boozaholic...but that's probably a problem the therapist could help with.
Nope.
Thanks man. Yeah, I'll be talking to my doc next checkup just to see. If I end up seeing a psychiatrist, I may end up with a prescription for anti-anxiety or depression medication in which case this entire problem kind of goes away (since I'm under the impression you don't mix those kind of drugs with booze).
I'm a son of an alcoholic and grew up with a similar stigma to drinking. I've dealt with a similar anxiety to drinking ever since I had my first hangover. That little voice in your head, warning you that you may be an alcoholic if you're not careful? I've got that same voice in the back of my head talking to me every time I have a drink. The thing is, I love going out with my friends, or having a few glasses of wine after work on my couch. It took me years to accept that a drop of alcohol won't turn me into my father.
You're not an alcoholic. I know it sucks, that fear and anxiety. But you'll pull through. Like others have posted, go talk to someone. I did. If medication is the route they suggest, and you're comfortable with it, go for it. Go out with your friends, have a good time. But if you feel more comfortable not drinking? That's cool too. Have a glass of coke or ginger ale.
I have a drink most nights of the week, brought a backpack of alcohol to a wedding (dry wedding, shared some with the groom, good times,) but the important thing is that I don't need a drink. If I have important business the next morning, or if I'm with friends that don't want to drink, I have zero issues changing my behaviour.
You're fine. Enjoy some drinks. Drink responsibly, which is what you've been doing. Mostly, work on your anxiety, because the less that controls you, the less need you'll feel to have drinks for relaxing purposes.
Canceled on the weekly drinking get together. Watched a movie and had a good night solo.
In the past few days I had to attend a different social event in which there was going to be some booze.
Of course, I spent most of the day at work running through my mind whether or not I wanted to drink at this event or not, whether it would be okay to have a drink, and if my hypothetical interest of having a drink was evidence of my being an alcoholic. This was a crowd I knew that was a "one and done" group, friends from out of town, so I knew this wouldn't be some rager or something.
At times throughout the day, I thought "well, it would be nice to have a drink with friends, especially since I know it's not a high pressure situation," which immediately made me think "if you want a drink, then it sounds like you can't quit." After spending most of the afternoon going back and forth analyzing why I would want/not want to partake, I ended up going to the event, relaxing, and having a great time catching up with old friends. When in the moment, I didn't need or want booze, and ended up passing on a glass of wine without a second thought. I didn't really obsess over it either. Went home, calm, and went to bed.
When I'm not anxiety-ridden/calm, I think that I've developed some unhealthy drinking habits (tolerance/getting kinda drunk weekly with friends) and could probably cut back without any issues and slide back into feeling normal.
When I am anxious, however, I can't tell if I don't want to stop entirely, or if I can't. I find myself thinking about situations wherein I wouldn't mind 1 or 2 drinks- out with a friend, talking about our mutual lack of success in dating recently, having fun at a wedding, etc., and immediately spike. I've panicked and looked up AA meetings, I've read books, I've read a bunch of reddit threads on alcoholism, I've obsessed over it, causing incredible distress.
I guess it comes down to 3 things.
In my mind, there's no way to win except to never drink and never want a drink again for the rest of my life, something that sounds undesirable to me. Which then starts the feedback loop at #2.
*I don't know how to tell a need vs. a want right now. Panic attacks make everything seem crazy high stakes, which further clouds everything.
(trust me, I know how that whole loop sounds)
So, clearly there's something in my nutty brain that no amount of evidence, research, or opinion can get me to drop the fear that I'm an alcoholic. Something about that feels like a fate worse than death since I'm somebody with terrible willpower- that I will relapse, and life will become either one one of constantly fighting an addiction or failing that fight and getting worse. This fear is clearly quite strong and irrational, and from what I understand is catastrophic thinking.
The whole thing is so maddening, because in just about every other area I pride myself on being able to logically work things out. I know how it all must sound. I've been on the other side and have heard people speak like this.
Anyway, I've went ahead and started the process to get an appointment with a therapist (isn't open until after the weekend) to get some outside help with anxiety, possible OCD, and some clarification of alcoholism or just fear of alcoholism. We'll see how that goes.
I'd like to thank everyone that responded- seriously. Thanks for understanding. I've never really been active in this part outside of a few posts, and it's great to have a place to talk. It certainly opened my eyes to some things. I don't know if I'll be checking the thread much more (oh of course I will, but I'll try not to) just because I think the best thing for me, especially this weekend, is to stop obsessing about the doubt and uncertainty until I can talk to a professional and get some clarity. All the rational evidence barely works against my irrational fear.
I'm not sure on the procedure in this part of the forums- would it be possible for me to append a post sometime later on, just as kind of a follow up? I'd like anyone that finds this via Google or search to know how things turned out so that if they're dealing with something similar, they might be able to know what worked/didn't work for me. Sort of a "okay, this ended up resolving, here's how" kind of thing. If not, that's cool too.
Every single person on my dad's side of the family is an alcoholic barring one of my 5 cousins. We made a choice when we were younger that we wouldn't let it shackle us. It sounds like you have done the same thing. When I drink, I drink quite a bit, but I drink about once a month. When I was 19-22 I would drink quite a bit about once or twice a week, but I told myself I would only ever drink because I wanted to. I would never, ever let outside factors dictate whether I had a drink or not. Seems to me you do the same thing. Your only issue with it is that you are second guessing your level of personal control - I don't think you need to do that. I've never had the kind of anxiety issues you mention, so I can't speak to that part of it, but I would definitely say seeing a therapist about it is a good idea. Just make sure you're honest with them!
And, of course, good luck. Be confident that whatever course of action you take is correct. If it isn't, just change course. You can't fail, you can only make a detour.
Additionally, I ended up getting an appointment with a psychologist, so that's the route I'm going to take for now.
Mods can lock the thread if they want, since I won't be posting anything else. Thanks again.