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[Internet Dating] - Ave, Imperator, amaturi te salutant!

thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST.Registered User regular
edited July 2017 in Debate and/or Discourse
Welcome to the D&D [Internet Dating] Thread.

This thread exists to help with navigating the complexities of using the internet to find awesome people like yourself and hit it off with them! To that end, the thread has a few high-level purposes:
  • Provide way for forum-goers to find, and ask for, profile-authoring advice and critique.
  • Provide general discussion, and growth-advice, about messaging and general dating etiquette as it relates to internet style dates.
  • Provide a place for people who are successfully meeting and dating people to share their stories so that others can see and share in the positive vibes!


This OP follows the historically established pattern of providing general dating knowledge all previous threads have gathered. Read it well.

Abstract
Internet dating is similar to regular dating, but with additional complexity because internet. Using an internet dating site is basically bringing in an additional tool into a dating-centric toolbelt. It is like being invited to a ridiculously big party where you might know a few people, but there are also lots, and lots, of new and exciting folks that you can talk to and see if you hit it off.

Generally speaking, internet dating has a spectrum of people with various goals. Some folks are just looking for a quick hook-up, some folks are looking for something short-term because they're moving, and others are looking for that one person they can settle down with for the rest of their lives. No matter what your goals are when using the internet to date; always remember that there is a person (that you're trying to get to like you!) on the other end of your messages, so treat them kindly!

Just like legacy dating, internet dating requires time and a sincere good-faith effort in order to get a good experience out of it. Also, do note, that by using an internet dating site, you're increasing your exposure to a social interaction. This also means you're increasing your chances of receiving rejection by just as much. Having a healthy perspective on life and yourself before jumping into the online dating pool can tremendously improve your overall experience.

All previous advice in a nutshell:
YOU 👏 ARE 👏 SELLING 👏 YOURSELF. 💯

General but important communication tips:
  • DO - Treat the other people with respect. It's another human being on the other end of that message, act accordingly.
  • DO - Describe yourself in a positive way.
  • DO - Acquire and keep a positive attitude.
  • DO - Avoid self-deprication, or apologizing in your profile and messages, and instead give preference to highlighting positive aspects of you and things you like to do.
  • DO - Make confident statements without following them with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess".
  • DO - Fully own your life path, if asked, and talk about it in a positive light ("I've been a Starbucks Barista for 6 years, and it's been interesting interacting with all of the people, I have a ton of stories! Just ask!, but I have outgrown it, so that's why I'm currently pursuing a culinary education.")
  • DO - If you must use any sentence that says, "I am [adjective]" (i.e., calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or anything else), expect to put up or shut up.
  • DO - Write well composed messages to people that you find interesting, regardless of any imagined reservation you might have (i.e., you're convinced they're too good/hot/popular/smart/whatever to be interested in you). Making the decision for them, by not writing them, turned your possible chance of meeting someone awesome into a 0% chance.
  • DO - Have Fun!! - It's dating. Dating is supposed to be fun, so have fun. Fun.

Choosing a Site

Before setting-up a profile, you'll need to choose a dating site. There are a few criteria that you'll want to consider before picking a site that fits your particular situation.
  • Geographical Location - This is one of the most important aspects of choosing your internet dating site. While each site will have representation in each city/region, usually one or two of them will have the lion's share of the population. You can ask in this thread other peoples experience for a particular region.
  • Budget - Some sites are free to use, other sites are subscription based. Additionally, some of the free-to-use sites put desirable features behind a paywall.

Some popular internet dating sites/apps that folks have used here in the past:
  • OKCupid - Free classical dating site that lets users message each other with no prerequistite 'match' criteria preventing certain users from messaging each other. Even though the site is free, there are features that you can pay to use (did the person read your message, etc).
  • POF - Free classical dating site that lets users message each other with no prerequisite 'match' criteria preventing certain users from messaging each other.
  • Tinder - Free swipe-based dating site that only lets users message each other if they 'swipe right' on each other. Tinder requires linking to a Facebook account.
  • Bumble - Free swipe-based dating site that only lets users message each other if they 'swipe right' on each other. Requires that the person that identifies as a female send the first message (a feature that is geared towards hetero couples, but I'm not sure what, if any, improvements have been made to make this a more inclusive feature). Bumble requires linking to a Facebook account.
  • Grindr - For gay and bisexual men. Not sure of the features, etc. Need input here.

Profiles

Pictures:
- No dick pics.
- Your main picture should feature you, alone, and your face should be visible. Preference should be given to a low depth of field, thus keeping the focus on you.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture through captions, blurring out other people's faces, a giant arrow, something. No one like to play the game of "guess who's the person in common in all these pictures".
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a tumblr repost album.
- No dick pics.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. Why would you think that's a good idea?
- Do not put up blurry, poorly-lit, poorly-framed, or just generally bad pictures. Cell phone pics are notorious for that reason.
- No dick pics.
- Try to include one full-body pic to show what you look like completely.


Text Content:
Summaries
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Vague things like, "I like to travel" or "I read books for fun" are bland and won't stand your profile out from the crowd.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show folks why you are awesome to hang out with.
- Unless it is unsafe for you to do so, Don't beat around the bush when it comes to listing your profession. Just tell people what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives the other person you're messaging something to ask you about.

I'm Really Good At:
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.

Favourites:
- List YOUR FAVOURITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use keywords, only keyword two or three things in each section. The favourites of your favourites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
- Keep the list trim by only listing works that give us a window into your personality. Don't make a massively long section that indiscriminately lists everything you like.
- Add some personalization. Why do you like this stuff? What associations does it hold for you? Do you love Foo Fighters because it reminds you of the time you and your friends went ghost-hunting in New England culverts? Are you into apocalypses because you think you'd make a kick-ass zombie slayer or because you're enchanted by the idea of starting over?

Six Things:
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else generic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mentioned elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here.

I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliché.

Typical Friday:
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- Don't say you're busy with work/whatever Friday and really go out Saturday. The question is not literally about Friday night, it's about what you do for fun. It's your chance to prove to us what a fun person you are. If you fail at it, then you're no fun, and no one wants to date someone who's no fun.
- Be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?

Message me if:
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPECIFIC.

Headline:
- Do not write "I never know what to write in those things". Think of something. It's not hard.
- Do not write "Headlines are stupid". NO U.

Interests:
- Put some.
- Be specific. "Fun" is not an interest.
- "Doing stuff" is not an interest. Neither is "taking over the world".

Messaging

Messaging In General
A big part of the internet dating experience is through messaging (don't send dick pics). This is also where a lot of people tend to hit the biggest hurdles and generate the most negative feelings towards internet dating.

To help with this, it's best to set your expectations at reasonable level - regular dating levels. Just because you're messaging someone on a internet dating site, it doesn't mean they're going to be automatically into you. With internet dating, a reasonable expectation is: that no matter what, you're not entitled to a response - remember that the other person might be experiencing or using the app in a completely different way than yourself. (don't send dick pics)

Sending a message and not receiving a reply, or having a conversation thread fall off a cliff, is going to happen - for many possible reasons. In my opinion, it's also the number one toughest thing to endure when using an internet dating site. Just re-assure yourself that you're a good person, and understand the other person is the only one in charge of their behavior and tastes.

Overall, you only have control of the messages you send, so any message you originate should be respectful and upbeat.

Ice-breaker messages
The simple rule is: be concise, comment on something on their profile to show you read it and possibly relate it to something in your experience, ask a question so they can easily follow-up, spell properly, don't send dick pics. The gold-standard template it "Hi, I'm NAME. Here's a comment on something on your profile that I liked. Here's a question about it?"
The more complex rules are: DON'T SEND DICK PICS
Exactly what to say in a first message at the OKC blog

Learn to spell better than a cat.
netspeak-chart.png

Avoid physical complements.
compliments-chart.png

Be original.
salutations-chart.png

Talk about metal-loving vegetarian zombies.
interests-chart.png

Engage them in the discussion.
engage-chart.png

First Date!

Suggesting Places
So, you're hitting it off with the other person in a message thread, and finally the time is right for you to suggest a meet-up. The best places to meet are somewhere public, with lots of good lighting, many exits, and in an area of town that is familiar to the both of you. A starter list to get the imagination flowing is as follows:
  • Local Starbucks or trendy coffee place - It's the most generic and boring, but they have a ton of locations that are all pretty safe meeting places.
  • Museum - Art, or Historical (sometimes both!) Museums are really good for having a background activity for a potentially awkward pause.
  • Festivals - Meet at the fried coke stand, and go from there!

Dress-Code
Clean and Nice. Depending on your age demographic this might mean different things to different people. Generally, for the gentlemen, this means an unscuffed pair of kicks, well-fitting trendy jeans or slacks, and well-fitting pressed shirt are a bare minimum. Along with cleaning up your facial and head hair to make it look like you are putting in a bit of effort to look presentable. For the ladies, this means wearing something clean and nice that fits your style.

Should I bring <thing> for the other person?
No. Nope. Newp. NO. You're just meeting in person for the first time to see if there is chemistry, and bringing <thing> is off putting to most people on a first date. Additionally, the other person will have to carry it around for the duration of the date.

Should I have fun?
YES.

thatassemblyguy on
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Posts

  • ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Eastern coastal temptressRegistered User regular
    Dating vicariously through durandal is the best, because he's basically dating my clone, so I'm essentially dating myself.

    Some kinky mirror universe shit, to be sure.

    thatassemblyguyAresProphetdurandal4532QuidCorehealerElvenshae
  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    Yeah, i think i went too crazy with keywords. Plus they seem to have changed the setup, they're not as useful now.

  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST. Registered User regular
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Yeah, i think i went too crazy with keywords. Plus they seem to have changed the setup, they're not as useful now.

    I had similar results. Adoption of the keyword feature is very spotty in my area, and POF's "interests" isn't terribly useful because people will try to put long sentences into the field, if anything at all.

  • HandgimpHandgimp R+L=J Family PhotoRegistered User regular
    Anybody feeling kind enough to look over my profile? It's a barren wasteland out here, but that just means I have to try harder right?

    PwH4Ipj.jpg
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    Hahaha I just live in a nice place is all

    But for real guys everyone is great. Like today I went out for breakfast and went to a cool museum with Nega-Shivahn and we talked and admired art and it was a great time. And then we laid down on the grass in a small park and talked about how shitty grad school is and how she hadn't just laid down and relaxed in a super long time.

    Yesterday an equally great person and I had a picnic and went out for drinks and talked for hours it was lovely.

    The best part about dating is that I feel really nice knowing that I'm a source of fun times for great people!

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    thatassemblyguyShivahnchromdommysticjuicerKristmas Kthulhu
  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST. Registered User regular
    Handgimp wrote: »
    Anybody feeling kind enough to look over my profile? It's a barren wasteland out here, but that just means I have to try harder right?

    I'd swap your current main photo for the one where you're in the suit with your friend. That is a winning profile photo smile in that one.

    Personally, I'm a horrible word-smithy, but I'll spit-ball a couple of things off the top of my head while drunk on a Saturday night.

    Expand a little more in the Self-Summary. Write about an amusing time at sea that is shareable and relateable to a larger audience. Move the current sentence into the "What I'm doing with my life".

    In the 'What you can't do without" section, pick something that was sub-standard on your ship (the coffee, or something like that), and augment the current answer with a humorous slant on it. Like, "I can adapt to pretty much anything, but I was super glad for leave because then I could get a decent cup of coffee."

  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    Re-rolled my questions for a better personality loadout, although i have that pesky "less romantic" still stuck there, "less adventurous" is gone, and i got "more playful" and, somehow, "more indie" (which is wild, because i tend to have a kneejerk reaction against stuff that self-describes as indie, whether it's actually suited to me or not, anti-hipster reflex).

    Either way, looks better.

  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST. Registered User regular
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Re-rolled my questions for a better personality loadout, although i have that pesky "less romantic" still stuck there, "less adventurous" is gone, and i got "more playful" and, somehow, "more indie" (which is wild, because i tend to have a kneejerk reaction against stuff that self-describes as indie, whether it's actually suited to me or not, anti-hipster reflex).

    Either way, looks better.

    Yeah, sometimes a refresh of the questions is helpful, if it has been a while since answering them last.

  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    If you're less romantic, less romantic isn't a bad thing! I'm not super romantic. When I like people a lot I tend to be demonstrative of it more often, but with less intensity.

    It might make some people decide you aren't worth it, but it helped me find some really great people who are very direct and down-to-Earth and easy for me to get along with.

    Oh! Also, so based on my dates this week: try to not talk that much about shared media, maybe?

    It's tempting to dive into the fact that oh man this other person likes that thing I really like let's get on this trolley! But it has worked better to use that as a comfortable base to come back to if there's real dead air. That way you spend more time thinking about the vast number of things you don't know about the other person rather than how much you liked that one episode.

    There's this one person I saw who seems cool, but we got so distracted talking about stuff we both liked for 3 hours that we didn't get a chance to do the sort of broad-but-shallow getting to know you that I had fun with on my other first dates. I'm probably going to still see if they're interested in a second date, but it was distinctly less exciting than my other dates on account if it feeling like afterward I still had trouble understanding who this person was.

    On the other hand I may just see if they want to become a friend? I guess I've never done that before. Anyone have success saying "I don't think I'm into you romantically but I do want to drink and talk about that stuff we both like"?

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    thatassemblyguy
  • NocrenNocren Lt Futz, Back in Action North CarolinaRegistered User regular
    Yesterday I did something I hadn't done since high school because I promised my girlfriend I would (and she thought I was joking).
    I mowed her yard.

    This would be perfect if we didn't live about an hour from each other... At least one her cats is warming up to me as well.

    newSig.jpg
    durandal4532
  • OmeksOmeks Registered User regular
    I've been talking with a girl the past couple of days, it's been going well. Tonight there was a slight wrench thrown in.

    She starts off saying she went and asked a couple friends about their online dating experiences, which led to her finding out I had dated one of her friends. On the surface this doesn't sound like a huge deal because we only dated a month, but I could tell when I ended it she was super into me and probably very disappointed. Mutual friend that told her this confirmed it.

    Even so this new girl seems to not be too phased by it. I told her I felt kind of bad because I could tell the old girl really liked me, and and at one point new girl texts me "(I don't blame you.)" She also says she's not as close to the girl as she is to the friend who told her about it (whom I also met while dating the other girl).

    To be honest I thought she was about to tell me her best friend was one of my exes so that was a relief in comparison.

    Online Info (Click Spoiler for More):
    |Xbox Live Tag: Omeks
    |PSN Tag: Omeks_R7
    |Rock Band: Profile|DLC Collection
    Omeks.png
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    I mean as wrenches go it isn't that bad. There's agreement that you're great!

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    NocrenthatassemblyguyJuliusKupotheAvengerStabbity Style
  • tadstads Registered User regular
    Talking to a woman. Seemed mildly interested. Asked what my job was. Said it was interesting.

    We weren't talking long (couple days, maybe three messages from each of us) but I was bored with this so gave her my phone number. Said we can talk on the site or she can add me to WhatsApp. She says "I think we can talk from here".

    I give it a day to decide if this is worth spending time on. It only takes a minute to write these short messages but still. Could be doing more worthwhile stuff with that minute.

    So I ask her about her job. She says she just finished studying. I said I thought she was working and ask if she has a job lined up or is looking. She says, " Hi. I found a job, will apply soon. Thanks."

    This looks very disinterested to me. Almost rude. Certainly boring. Doesn't advance the conversation at all. So I say, "I suspect that this is time-wasting. You have my phone number. If you want to do something you can add me on WhatsApp."

    That's surely the end of it. She'll either add me or stop replying. Probably the latter.

    But then she says, "Thank you so much. My friend found me the job but he's a very relaxed person so it's taking a long time."

    What on earth is she thanking me for? I don't want to talk to her any more. She's boring/disinterested and it's not going anywhere. On the other hand, it only takes a minute to crank out these messages. Worth pursuing?

    There's another woman who ignored my phone number message but answers everything. I didn't message for five days but then straight away she answered a really stupid question. I'm going to ask increasingly idiotic questions to test her limit. It's totally bizarre how these disinterested women will sit there and answer every question you have. Do they really think that you're dying to know about the breakfast food preferences of a total stranger?

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Why are you pursuing people you clearly have no interest in?

    NocrenJuliusXavier1216tynicDidgeridooDelmainLanlaorngrrmushaSmrtnik
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    What the heck are you even doing

    Like okay, so person A seems to have gotten the impression that you were specifically telling her "I am uninterested on account of your lack of employment". She then said "I am getting on that but it'll take a while so... yeah." She was probably kind of embarrassed? I mean there's not a lot to go on, but it seems like she was in a bad place with regards to being unemployed but wanting to date. I can relate! It feels crappy, like you've got a huge strike against you from the get-go. She wasn't really talkative, but a lot of nervous people don't come back with quick or elaborate responses because it takes a lot of their nerve to just check OKC.

    Don't pursue her, on account of why would you want to inflict yourself upon her? In what possible manner would a person who found her annoying and a bit pathetic make her life any better?

    The second woman does not strike me as disinterested. She is answering questions because she either gets a charge out of talking to someone cute, or because she feels like this might lead somewhere and is waiting for one of the questions to be "would you like to grab a drink?"

    The common denominator here is that no one wants to add you on fucking whatsapp just because you prefer to talk on it. If you think a person is cute and interesting, trade a message or two and ask them out. If you don't think they're cute or interesting, don't talk to them. Transitioning to texting before you've actually set up a date just feels weird. I certainly wouldn't be willing to do that with someone. The point of a phone number is to arrange actual-world meeting, not to facilitate internet chatting.

    What you definitely do not need to do under any circumstance is invent reasons to resent these nice young women just so that you can feel more justified in your behavior and blame any negative results on their flaws. They're worthy of your respect, regardless of whether or not you'd like to date them.

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    MulletudeDecomposeyMvrck
  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    Some women do like to go slower. I've been rolling along with an odd conversation on OKC for a few weeks now, timing was wrong for an ask out last weekend (because i get the sense from her that she prefers it slower), and this weekend's the holiday. I'm still going to try next week if this keeps up.

    The thing to remember is that this is basically like email, which is a very awkward means of communication and doesn't flow like a phone call or even an IM chat. Hence why subjects go in strange places or conversations die if you try to run it like a "normal" conversation. One convo i killed because i answered only a narrow slice of the woman's comment, which possibly led to her thinking i was a one-note guy, but in reality it's normal to address a person's comments piecemeal and discuss them one at a time.

    Hence why you push for conversation elsewhere, not because you're thirsty or desperate but because damn if this system isn't bad for conversation.

  • tadstads Registered User regular
    I'm obviously interested if I'm giving them my phone number. Unless things have changed very recently this is the process. Give phone number, texts for a bit, ask them out.

    I don't think this woman was offended at not having a job. That wasn't my intention certainly.

    Both of these women contribute absolutely nothing to the conversation. That's why I just give my phone number and tell them if they want to do something, add me on WhatsApp. Either they have really poor conversation skills or they're not interested. How long am I supposed to interrogate them about their favourite fast food franchises when it doesn't seem to be going anywhere?

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    edited July 2015
    You're not supposed to interrogate them, period.
    In fact I would dissuade from asking about personal things like jobs, education, etc. right off the bat because they are boring ass questions that don't make it easy to contribute anything to a conversation.

    So what do you do?
    I do X.
    That's cool...what's that like?
    It's not bad, I guess.

    It's really frigging hard to come up with meaningful shit to say when you're answering the same questions that you get asked when networking.

    Instead try to tell an interesting story about yourself and ask a related question. "This silly thing happened to me, has anything similar ever happened to you?"
    That way there's a lot more room for interpretation for them, and they could pretty much say anything. Now, if at that point a person still gives you nothing, move on.


    You also sound very bitter and resentful here, and...that's super unhealthy.
    Online dating is a flaky, fickle, superficial process and you need to be ready for that. You need to be ready for people blowing you off, ignoring you, or being bad conversationalists. This is absolutely going to happen, and if you take offense every time this happens, you're going to drive yourself insane and develop an incredibly unhealthy attitude towards women.

    minirhyder on
    TomantaNocrendurandal4532thatassemblyguyXavier1216
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    tads wrote: »
    I'm obviously interested if I'm giving them my phone number. Unless things have changed very recently this is the process. Give phone number, texts for a bit, ask them out.

    I don't think this woman was offended at not having a job. That wasn't my intention certainly.

    Both of these women contribute absolutely nothing to the conversation. That's why I just give my phone number and tell them if they want to do something, add me on WhatsApp. Either they have really poor conversation skills or they're not interested. How long am I supposed to interrogate them about their favourite fast food franchises when it doesn't seem to be going anywhere?

    Zero time! You're just supposed to fucking exit gracefully!

    I mean what do you get out of it but a steadily building resentment?
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Some women do like to go slower. I've been rolling along with an odd conversation on OKC for a few weeks now, timing was wrong for an ask out last weekend (because i get the sense from her that she prefers it slower), and this weekend's the holiday. I'm still going to try next week if this keeps up.

    The thing to remember is that this is basically like email, which is a very awkward means of communication and doesn't flow like a phone call or even an IM chat. Hence why subjects go in strange places or conversations die if you try to run it like a "normal" conversation. One convo i killed because i answered only a narrow slice of the woman's comment, which possibly led to her thinking i was a one-note guy, but in reality it's normal to address a person's comments piecemeal and discuss them one at a time.

    Hence why you push for conversation elsewhere, not because you're thirsty or desperate but because damn if this system isn't bad for conversation.

    I do get that certain people like to move slower, but I feel like it's reasonable to just be upfront about "hey, would you like to get coffee?" early on. It's low-impact, it tells people your intention in no uncertain terms, and if they'd not like to go that quickly they can still say "oh that's really nice but I think I'd like to talk more before meeting up in person".

    And I don't know that OKC is much more awkward than other systems of text-based communcation. If you're both online and interested, you can trade off in the same manner as any text service. I think people just find themselves dealing with longer pauses because that's the intention of the person on the other end of things. Texting just allows you to bug them more directly, which makes it harder for them to take a break or cut off communication.

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    minirhyder wrote: »
    It's really frigging hard to come up with meaningful shit to say when you're answering the same questions that you get asked when networking.

    Instead try to tell an interesting story about yourself and ask a related question. "This silly thing happened to me, has anything similar ever happened to you?"
    That way there's a lot more room for interpretation for them, and they could pretty much say anything. Now, if at that point a person still gives you nothing, move on.

    This may be the most personally useful piece of advice I have seen on this subject in a long time.

    minirhyder
  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    Found an OKC account called Single Female Lawyer. She seemed a terrible match, but i was compelled to send her a message saying "Single Female Lawyer, fighting for her client, wearing sexy miniskirts and being self-reliant!"

    I then apologized.

    One of the "bad match" things was that she answered the "would this country be safer if everyone had a gun question" with the same answer as me "less safe," but apparently she would only accept "more safe" as an answer from men. Kind of hoping that was an operator error or she has some warped views about men and guns.

  • tehjestertehjester Tampa, FlRegistered User regular
    edited July 2015
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Found an OKC account called Single Female Lawyer. She seemed a terrible match, but i was compelled to send her a message saying "Single Female Lawyer, fighting for her client, wearing sexy miniskirts and being self-reliant!"

    I then apologized.

    One of the "bad match" things was that she answered the "would this country be safer if everyone had a gun question" with the same answer as me "less safe," but apparently she would only accept "more safe" as an answer from men. Kind of hoping that was an operator error or she has some warped views about men and guns.

    I once asked a girl what her favorite meat and veggie pairing was. She didn't respond.

    Which brings up that I started up this madness once more and would very much appreciate some input on my profile.

    tehjester on
    PSN: JesterKing13 Blizz Battletag: tehjester#1448
  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST. Registered User regular
    tehjester wrote: »
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Found an OKC account called Single Female Lawyer. She seemed a terrible match, but i was compelled to send her a message saying "Single Female Lawyer, fighting for her client, wearing sexy miniskirts and being self-reliant!"

    I then apologized.

    One of the "bad match" things was that she answered the "would this country be safer if everyone had a gun question" with the same answer as me "less safe," but apparently she would only accept "more safe" as an answer from men. Kind of hoping that was an operator error or she has some warped views about men and guns.

    I once asked a girl what her favorite meat and veggie pairing was. She didn't respond.

    Which brings up that I started up this madness once more and would very much appreciate some input on my profile.

    Initial thoughts: You're presenting yourself p. well. Good profile photo.

  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    tehjester wrote: »
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    Found an OKC account called Single Female Lawyer. She seemed a terrible match, but i was compelled to send her a message saying "Single Female Lawyer, fighting for her client, wearing sexy miniskirts and being self-reliant!"

    I then apologized.

    One of the "bad match" things was that she answered the "would this country be safer if everyone had a gun question" with the same answer as me "less safe," but apparently she would only accept "more safe" as an answer from men. Kind of hoping that was an operator error or she has some warped views about men and guns.

    I once asked a girl what her favorite meat and veggie pairing was. She didn't respond.

    Which brings up that I started up this madness once more and would very much appreciate some input on my profile.

    Cute photos! And good name.

    Self-summary: expand, and remove the aphorism. Just... write out what you think a friend would use to describe you, and maybe a little bit of bio info as well. Think more author bio. It doesn't have to be exclusively personality traits. Like if "astronaut" is what most people think of first when they think of you, include it. Mine had "former grad student" because that's kind of a big part of what I am I think.

    What I'm doing: include job shit! You can be oblique, but like how the heck do you have a house even? I don't have a house. I'm great and I'm no closer to a house than I am a Nobel Prize.

    Get a bit specific about house stuff, too! I'm guessing it's a lot of your time an energy. It's okay to share a bit with people about it. "Oh I'm putting in these sweet french doors/this cool patio/digging out the electric..." etc.

    I'm really good at: no jokes! It's fun to joke but this is no place for it. Think about skills you have, and present them. You don't need to be humble, and you don't need to worry about being embarrassed. I think mine were like, writing/videogames/cooking. It's just accurate information about you.

    And while effective geeking out is great and all, but that's not so much a skill as a part of your personality that will be revealed via other answers.

    Favorites: "Anything _____" is a bad conversation starter. Think for a bit, what's your favorite book? Why? My example was Hitchhiker's, because it was the book my sister and I learned to read chapter books with and Douglas Adams is a hero of mine.

    Vonnegut is obviously an influence, but in what way? His books differ pretty significantly from each other.

    No need to add the bit about sounding like a nerd. One of the things that I think is important about something like this is to just present the relevant information and let other people figure out what to think about you. They might interpret your interests through a lens you don't have, and you should let them! Because presumably it's a lens that makes you look cute.

    Six Things: I'd go less detailed here. You're never going to be quite profound enough. Just listing what you have here gives an impression of you. The little aphorism/explanations trip it up and make it seem like you're trying to justify yourself. Like "they're not just kid games". The sort of people who will find you interesting will know that, whether or not they play them! They'll say "well this hot guy likes them so you know, obviously". Also, watch your periods, you leave them off every other sentence!

    Your thinking about and Friday night things seem reasonable, and I think it's because they also seem the most straightforward and honest.

    Add a "Message me if..." with a couple conversation starters!

    Details: I'm also an atheist! I would NOT put "And very serious about it". Even if you are! I am, but the thing that says to people looking at a dating profile is "this fucking asshole will talk your ear off about how your Catholic parents are basically dumb and horrible". The sort of people cool with dating atheists are probably cool with dating a pretty serious atheist. But you need to introduce them to your definition, instead of allowing them to imagine that you're some sort of Internet Jackass Atheist.

    Also I would say it makes sense to at the least consider ladies your own age, and probably a bit older. You're going to have a fuck of a lot more in common with a 30 year-old than a 23 year-old. You own a house!

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
  • tadstads Registered User regular
    Yeah, you should have your acceptable age range include a few years older than you even if you aren't actually interested in women older than you.

    So I specifically asked both of these women out for this weekend. I say to one that there's a restaurant that serves her native cuisine in the city. We can go this weekend. I then mention two of the less appealing dishes on the menu that we can get as a little joke. Or failing that, we can get coffee and I mention the particular café.

    She says, "I haven't been to that restaurant. They really have fried pork intestines? WOW! So you're eating that? Omygaaad I miss home food."

    Uhh...maybe I'm doing this wrong. Or maybe she is. What is she gaining from these responses?

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    I feel like you're trying to work out some sort of equation here, and that's not how human interaction works.
    You've already stated that you have no interest in pursuing either of these two women, yet you're still asking them out? Why?

    You've already established some sort of resentment towards these women, and I doubt it's going to go away at this point, even if you go out for dinner. You're setting all parties involved up for disappointment.

    Stop talking to them, find another woman to talk to, one that you're actually interested in and enjoy interacting with, and go out with her. There's nothing to be gained from your current situation.

    Nocrendurandal4532mysticjuicerKupotheAvenger
  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular

    tads wrote: »
    Yeah, you should have your acceptable age range include a few years older than you even if you aren't actually interested in women older than you.

    So I specifically asked both of these women out for this weekend. I say to one that there's a restaurant that serves her native cuisine in the city. We can go this weekend. I then mention two of the less appealing dishes on the menu that we can get as a little joke. Or failing that, we can get coffee and I mention the particular café.

    She says, "I haven't been to that restaurant. They really have fried pork intestines? WOW! So you're eating that? Omygaaad I miss home food."

    Uhh...maybe I'm doing this wrong. Or maybe she is. What is she gaining from these responses?

    What are you gaining from this? I mean, besides the chance to be their abusive boyfriend

    XBL-Dug Danger WiiU-DugDanger Steam-http://steamcommunity.com/id/DugDanger/
    Nocren
  • tadstads Registered User regular
    I'm not resentful and I'm obviously up for going out. These aren't rational responses, though. Women replying just to be polite is a known phenomenon. But after you ask them out, they always stop. That's why I've learned to ask these women who I think are just being polite straight away. It reduces the time wasted. We either go out or communication stops.

    This is a first for me.

    "Want to go out this weekend?"

    "My cat's breath smells like cat food."

    Why respond to somebody who's asking you out when you're not interested? It's weird. It's of psychological interest to me.

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    edited July 2015
    I don't want to talk to her any more. She's boring/disinterested and it's not going anywhere.
    I'm going to ask increasingly idiotic questions to test her limit.
    Both of these women contribute absolutely nothing to the conversation.

    tads, buddy...if you're not resentful, you're at the very least not happy with these people. Why are you still trying to go meet them?

    Here's how online dating should work:
    1. You message a person/they message you.
    2. You exchange a few messages and both parties decide whether they are enjoying the conversation.
    3. Conversation keeps going until one party decides to ask the other to meet in real life.
    4. Both parties meet and proceed from there.

    Online dating is not your private social experiment where you "test limits," try to find out people's motivations, and in general fuck around with them for your own personal amusement. You're being a goose about this entire thing, and I strongly suggest you take a break from online dating and re-evaluate your approach. What you're doing is unhealthy, disrespectful to others, and is a zero sum game. No one will win here. No one.


    Also, read this and apply accordingly.
    TL;DR - if after interacting with a person you're not saying "fuck yes" to taking the next step with them (e.g. continuing the conversation, meeting them, etc.) don't fucking do it.

    minirhyder on
    MulletudeNocrendurandal4532LionEyezXavier1216mysticjuicertynicgrrmusha
  • JediabiwanJediabiwan Registered User regular
    tads wrote: »
    I'm not resentful and I'm obviously up for going out. These aren't rational responses, though. Women replying just to be polite is a known phenomenon. But after you ask them out, they always stop. That's why I've learned to ask these women who I think are just being polite straight away. It reduces the time wasted. We either go out or communication stops.

    But you realize this girl does actually want to go out with you, right? Believe it or not some girls are actually interested in you.
    tads wrote: »
    She says, "I haven't been to that restaurant. They really have fried pork intestines? WOW! So you're eating that? Omygaaad I miss home food."

    Is basically a more elaborate form of "yes I want to go out". This is how people communicate, they give more than just yes and no answers. Since you clearly need help communicating your response should be along the lines of, "Yeah it's delicious! Would you want to go try it out together on X date/time?"

    Nocren
  • tadstads Registered User regular
    I'm not fucking with anyone. If they want to go out I'm happy to go out. If anyone is being fucked with it's me.

    It's beyond me how I'm being disrespectful. I strongly suspect that these women aren't interested. Fine. Not a problem.

    The issue is that they continue to reply in one case even after being asked out. As an inquisitive person, I find this behaviour of some note. This woman didn't say, "okay, I'm free on Saturday. Let's go out." She gave a weird reply asking if I'm going to eat pig rectums, implicitly by myself. No, I'm not doing that and that wasn't my proposal.

    So why reply? My messages aren't interesting and she doesn't seem to want to go out. It's bizarre.

    Of course I can look for someone else. This isn't about me. The behaviour is plainly very odd. I've never seen it before.

  • tadstads Registered User regular
    Wait...what? That was a positive response? I'll try that "x" time and day thing out but I'm not holding my breath.

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Go read my previous post. I quoted you directly saying a. that these women are not interesting to you and b. that you want to test one of their limits.

    The second point constitutes as you fucking with people.


    And this is absolutely about you. You're hung up on the fact that a few women's responses to you have been strange, and instead of disregarding them and moving on with your life, you continue to interact with people you clearly have no interest in, and then asking others to explain the behaviors to you.

    Move. The fuck. On.

    NocrenJediabiwandurandal4532LionEyezXavier1216
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    edited July 2015
    Also! Date went well again with a cool lady. We spent four hours drinking and talking at a cute local cafe/bar, where I ran into like 5 people I knew and was like oh jeez gosh I'm sorry I forgot that everyone likes this place I'm sorry if this is awkward. But it was not. Mostly it made me appear to be much more of a man about town than I actually am.

    Then when that place was closing, we went to a fancier place for cocktails. We talked for an hour at the other bar and then suddenly I realized I'd parked in a lot where they never tow... before midnight! And we rushed over to the lot since it was 12:15 and my car was still there and then we kissed in celebration. It was really nice.

    Edit: Excellent date today with one of the people I've been seeing. She made lunch for us and then we went into town for coffee and talking and then hung out at a park watching people paddle-boat on the lake and then got dinner and then watched a real odd movie on Netflix and it was all lovely.

    Also, I spoke with her about seeing multiple people and she said she was happy I was so upfront and that she didn't mind it at all. Which made me feel better. I'm trying to make certain I am being kind and forthright with these women because I really like them and I don't want to be an asshole about this. This is too nice to ruin with dishonesty.

    durandal4532 on
    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    NocrenthatassemblyguyTomantaLionEyezchromdomAngelinaimdointhismysticjuicer
  • LionEyezLionEyez Registered User regular
    edited July 2015
    This thread fascinates me (and internet dating as whole)! Thought I'd share a few of the funny things I've heard on my adventures

    - I've heard about a guy mentioning a McDate. Which is exactly what it sounds like, a date at McDonald's. Because as Casanova puts it: "at least we'll have a good meal and if things don't work, we'll not waste any time". I wept. Sure that sounds very efficient but also very cold. My most 'awkward' date actually lasted three hours and we went for drinks and dinner at a different place. It was a nice evening and I'm glad I made the effort of getting to know her.

    - Another Casanova mentioned he keeps an Excel file (why Excel?) of all his online contacts. Presumably stuff like "Stephanie doesn't like clowns"? While I can sort of admire this kind of effort, it also sounds very unromantic. If you can't remember important details, maybe she isn't the one? Also, if you do keep a file like this, fair enough, but it's probably best not to mention it. I don't think women take it quite to such a level of involvement.

    - A girl mentioned going on a first date with a guy in the park. A light picnic basically. She was in charge of the food, he was in charge of the drinks. She was afraid he was the kind of guy who'd only bring a six pack, but was pleasantly surprised when he brought a backpack full of all kinds of liquor. Like a minibar. So the date went well enough, both ended up being a bit tipsy but hey that's fun from time to time, right?

    Second date in the museum. Guy shows up with the same backpack. He's drunk off his ass. ..yeah, he just sort of happened to be equipped very well for their first date, but he had a huuge drinking problem. Awkward!



    As for me, I've luckily only had pretty awesome dates. Nice people, nice conversations..but not 'the one' yet. The longer I'm at it, the more I'm convinced that the basic advice here to meet fairly quickly is the best way to go. (just don't be pushy!). The first few dates I spent weeks chatting and basically let the girl be the one to bring up the subject of meeting. But, the meet is the ultimate test anyway. The more you chat, the more you get an expectation of someone that may not match with reality. Just see it as continuing the conversation offline, maybe not even call it an official date.

    Anyway, scheduling a second date with an OkCupid girl very soon! When we met for the first time, I didn't really have time to form any expectations of her as we'd only chatted irregularly for a week at most. But she was a lot cuter and better looking than I expected from her one picture. In fact I've never felt so nervous to just look at someone, but I'd say it was the good kind of nervous if that makes any sense :)

    Any good advice for conversation topics on a second date? I spent most of our first meet talking about what I do and sharing some anecdotes, but now I'd really like to know what makes her tick. What are some of the questions you guys have used?

    LionEyez on
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    Honestly, I don't think I can remember any questions I've asked on second dates in particular. I think I generally say something like "how's your week been?" but after that it's just... stuff that I think is neat to talk about. So like, I've talked about the New Horizons probe, I've told a funny story about my dad, I've talked about what computer games I played growing up, I've talked about my current work, my past work, even my exes!

    I think it doesn't so much matter what you discuss as long as your number one interest is respecting the other person and finding out what interesting things they have to say. If they do the same for you, you're both going to be feeding each other the requisite lines to start good conversations.

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
  • LionEyezLionEyez Registered User regular
    Yeah I've had a few first dates that were like that, where conversation flowed quite naturally and it didn't really require any conscious effort, but the first time with this girl it was a bit more difficult. Nothing extreme but some awkwardness. I was oddly nervous and excited so spent much of the time just rambling on. But hey I was her first ever online date (I was so honoured :)) so maybe she was just as nervous or even more so.

    Oh and the bar had the music up too loud, that's always annoying if you're just getting acquainted.

    But thanks, I'll stop worrying about it and just let it happen (or not). We're going for a picnic. That's actually a great tip for a first or second date; you don't have to sit across from each other like in a bar or restaurant and constantly be looking at each other. Sitting next to each other is both more intimate and well, comfortable.

    durandal4532
  • Mr KhanMr Khan Not Everyone WAHHHRegistered User regular
    I think i'll message that girl i know on facebook on OKC, not only is it the clearer context, i've seen her online on OKC more than on facebook (and i spend more time on facebook myself, so she's just not that active there.)

    durandal4532
  • durandal4532durandal4532 Registered User regular
    Mr Khan wrote: »
    I think i'll message that girl i know on facebook on OKC, not only is it the clearer context, i've seen her online on OKC more than on facebook (and i spend more time on facebook myself, so she's just not that active there.)

    I think the context helps an enormous amount. You're on a dating service, so any sort of good conversation is inevitably in the context of "so this is a fun chat, we should probably date, right?"

    There's less room for any misinterpretation of intent.

    Take a moment to donate what you can to the International Rescue Committee, the National Immigration Law Center, the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the American Civil Liberties Union. There has never been a more urgent moment to do so.
    thatassemblyguy
  • HandgimpHandgimp R+L=J Family PhotoRegistered User regular
    It's certainly odd having to travel to Mexico for dates lol. Time to brush up on my Spanish.

    PwH4Ipj.jpg
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