That_GuyI don't wanna be that guyRegistered Userregular
Oh my gawd that was the best first date I have ever had. We met for dinner and drinks at a local eatery than took a long walk around a park. She's into a lot of the same things as I am but even more than that, it was just so easy to talk to her. I was super nervous and stuttering at first but just minutes into our date we were conversing like old friends. I have never fell into and out of conversation with a women like that before. Talking to her was effortless and just felt so right.
I really like this chick so far. We're going out again on Saturday for my birthday and I can't wait.
So this came up in my work and I wanted some other thoughts: putting your height in a profile. I personally do not, as I feel the people who care about it would generally not be a good match for me (it seems like a silly thing to focus on).
Everyone else seems to think and that it should be included and that I'm crazy. Am I?
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KoopahTroopahThe koopas, the troopas.Philadelphia, PARegistered Userregular
edited June 2018
You are not crazy for not including it. I'm the same way, but I do have my myers briggs identifier in mine. To me, someone's personality matters a lot more than their height.
So this came up in my work and I wanted some other thoughts: putting your height in a profile. I personally do not, as I feel the people who care about it would generally not be a good match for me (it seems like a silly thing to focus on).
Everyone else seems to think and that it should be included and that I'm crazy. Am I?
This is definitely one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" traps of online dating, and I don't think there's an easy answer. Not putting down your height will make other people think that you have something to hide, and so they will ignore your profile on first glance. "No height? They are probably too short/tall for me, and they are trying to hide it!" But putting down your height will make people dismiss your profile because of their height preferences (conscious or otherwise... a lot of dates and relationships in general are about unconscious biases!). This is such a big problem that height is often (along with age) one of the things that people lie about in their profile.
It's bullshit, but I think I side with the people who put down their height in their profiles. I mean, you want to put the best version of yourself on the profile, sure, but you also want to be honest. Certainly, you don't want to either call attention to your own height in your profile text, or say "I only date tall/short people" (Gee, THAT'S an attractive look *eyeroll*).
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KoopahTroopahThe koopas, the troopas.Philadelphia, PARegistered Userregular
"Lulz, only swipe right if you're above 6 feet haha... Under 7'3'' don't waste my time, XD"
Like, I'm a 5'9, which puts me .5 inches under the national US average. I'm not trying to hide anything, I try to be an open book as try to maintain my "it will either work or it won't, best find out quickly" philosophy. It's also why I don't embellish my profile. Yes, I can be talked out into a night on the town, but really my ideal Friday is relaxing at home. If that's boring to you, we aren't a good match.
Similarly, if height matters that much to you we probably aren't a good match. I'm either to short, or we have different outlooks on life and won't click. I have a picture of my stand upright in my living room, what I feel is a very honest picture of how I look. If you think I'm hiding info from you and we haven't even chatted yet, well yikes that screams red flag to me.
So this came up in my work and I wanted some other thoughts: putting your height in a profile. I personally do not, as I feel the people who care about it would generally not be a good match for me (it seems like a silly thing to focus on).
Everyone else seems to think and that it should be included and that I'm crazy. Am I?
I'll add on to what @Hahnsoo1 said and mention that it can also be part of the culture for some dating apps. Back when Tinder was more known for hookups than more conventional dating, it was something people often put into their blurb as it could be something shoppers of the flesh market would be interested in and look for. Like other corners of the Internet, dating sites/apps develop their own weird traditions at times.
Like, I'm a 5'9, which puts me .5 inches under the national US average. I'm not trying to hide anything, I try to be an open book as try to maintain my "it will either work or it won't, best find out quickly" philosophy. It's also why I don't embellish my profile. Yes, I can be talked out into a night on the town, but really my ideal Friday is relaxing at home. If that's boring to you, we aren't a good match.
Similarly, if height matters that much to you we probably aren't a good match. I'm either to short, or we have different outlooks on life and won't click. I have a picture of my stand upright in my living room, what I feel is a very honest picture of how I look. If you think I'm hiding info from you and we haven't even chatted yet, well yikes that screams red flag to me.
That's my whole take on it.
You have to be aware that the audience doesn't always see it that way, though. And the vast majority of people aren't going to say "I'm only into tall guys" or something... usually, they will have a range with which they are comfortable. It's the bullshit social norms around masculinity/femininity and all that, sure, but it's what you have to work with. You can't also presume that people who are into men/women who are taller or shorter are shallow. The heart wants what it wants, and there are a myriad of social and psychological reasons behind it. I know women who will only date men who are approximately their height, because taller men scare them, for example.
5'9" isn't a height to even get defensive about. Most people will think "oh, that's pretty average" and won't think twice about it. Part of it is that you have to open your mind to the possibility that maybe the initial attraction might be height or appearance-related, but that a deeper connection will occur after that initial attraction. Statements like "We probably aren't a good match if X" are just closing doors that should remain cracked open and ajar, especially when it comes to online dating.
So this came up in my work and I wanted some other thoughts: putting your height in a profile. I personally do not, as I feel the people who care about it would generally not be a good match for me (it seems like a silly thing to focus on).
Everyone else seems to think and that it should be included and that I'm crazy. Am I?
Depends on the profile, IMO. Tinder/Bumble sounds like what everyone's talking about. For something like OKCupid/Match/PoF I think it's a little odd to not have it, as those are more long-form profiles intended to give a bigger picture.
It's really too bad that I see so many women with profiles that say they aren't interested in games, as someone whose primary hobby is video games. It's a shame.
Also weird is that there's all these criminals out there looking for accomplices.
Games, as in, video games or the mind games people play with dating? I see lots of profiles where women say they don't like "games", but that almost exclusively applies to social games, not video games.
It's really too bad that I see so many women with profiles that say they aren't interested in games, as someone whose primary hobby is video games. It's a shame.
Also weird is that there's all these criminals out there looking for accomplices.
At one point there was a fake profile filled with nothing but the most overused cliches on OKC at the time and it was glorious while being a sad statement about so many profiles.
My theory is that it's a mix of a few things going on.
First off, a lot of women probably aren't used to having to present themselves in written form to potential mates. In a lot of settings in meatspace, it's usually a guy that has to try to make interesting conversation and think of something interesting to say first and decides whether to approach on nothing but visual information. In online dating, guys still usually start the conversation (or try to anyway) but with profiles it's now the woman who has to think of some interesting words to have ready to go. Of course many guys completely ignore said profile and just message based on pictures anyway.
This is on top of many people generally having trouble putting forth a picture of themselves in words. Think about how many people need help writing resumes or struggle with job interviews. It's just not a natural thing to do for many people even outside of interesting changes to dating dynamics from apps and websites.
Added to all this is that heterosexual app users probably don't do a lot of checking out of their own gender's profiles. As a result they may not recognize how cliched something they think is clever or cute is. What could be entertaining or at least okay small talk if heard once in a week is not the same if you see it 12 times while going through 20 profiles in a night. It's a feeling akin to seeing a discussion thread full of nothing but the same meme over and over again though at least that would likely have some variations on it.
Dating profiles have always been a place where originality dies (eg, the old "likes long walks on the beach" from dating classifieds in newspapers) but the ease of which one can go through dozens of profiles in an hour has made it even more apparent.
Those were jokes. I don't really care about cliches and anyway my profile is just a short intro and then a list of the things I enjoy and I never get any matches so maybe there's something to them.
Been out of the game for a while but getting back into it now - what do you guys think about the OKC messaging changes? My understanding is that women won't see my message unless they go to DoubleTake and see my profile there first, is that right? My impression of it so far is I'm getting a lot less responses, but maybe they're seeing it eventually and it just takes more time now.
It definitely means less overwhelming message spam for the women, which I appreciate, but as somebody who sent reasonably high-quality messages it sucks to get less exposure. Like it seems to require more active involvement from the recipient, and I have no way of knowing which women are actually doing that. Given that I'm still being asked to write a message before establishing a match, it starts to become a questionable use of my time.
Gonna try Bumble as well and see how that goes before I resort to Tinder.
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OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
I had an awesome date with someone I met off Bumble. She also matched with a guy in a touring production of the "it" play right now in a starring role lololololol. It will be the most amazing story if we end up dating and that was my competition. (But really he is only here for a few weeks so he's just gonna get his bone on.)
The thing I like about bumble as a straight man is that it entirely removes the pressure to initiate; even on ostensibly ‘matching’ platforms like tinder the onus is generally on the guy, and requires you to constantly be in “ selling” mode (also hitting that perfect note right between charming and creepy.). With bumble I just put a profile out and if I get a message i know that 1) we matched and 2) they were actually interested enough to write a little text at least
it was the smallest on the list but
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
This isn't internet dating related persay but I think it might be helpful for people generally. Recently I've done a bit of speed dating and I have found it to be tremendously helpful to me. Now, I am quite a shy person and combined with social anxiety it has made talking to women very difficult. Conventional wisdom is that you have to just force yourself to go up to someone and start talking to them without thinking about it to overcome any social/approach anxiety because what you start off saying doesn't really matter in the long run. While that last bit is true, the real thing that I am, and I imagine other people are, anxious about is not the first ten seconds but the next five to ten minutes where you have no idea what you're going to say. Plus, if you're not good at talking to men/women/people the person you're talking to is incentivized to leave as soon as possible. So when you screw up, you don't really do it for long enough to learn from your mistakes. That was a supreme confidence killer right there and I personally could not fake it until I made it past that.
This is where speed dating has been a huge huge help. The first thing is that it's a structured environment. You have a defined beginning and end point and no matter how bad you fuck up it's only for five minutes before you talk to the next person. You don't have to think about approaching or deciding when to end a conversation. The second thing is that people are incentivized to talk to you. You are in that person's life for five minutes whether they like it or not. This means that this person is motivated to prop up the conversation if you get in trouble. The third thing is that you get exposed to a lot of different people very quickly. This gives you exposure to all sorts of different conversation topics and a good feel for the kind of things that people like to discuss on dates.
I've done it three times now and I personally feel like I could go up to anyone and find something to talk about for at least five minutes. It hasn't yet resulted in any dates, but the process itself is way better than online dating. Once you settle down and get comfortable it's actually quite fun chatting with random people.
3DS FC: 1977-1274-3558 Pokemon X ingame name: S3xy Vexy
It definitely means less overwhelming message spam for the women, which I appreciate, but as somebody who sent reasonably high-quality messages it sucks to get less exposure. Like it seems to require more active involvement from the recipient, and I have no way of knowing which women are actually doing that. Given that I'm still being asked to write a message before establishing a match, it starts to become a questionable use of my time.
Gonna try Bumble as well and see how that goes before I resort to Tinder.
tbh
im not attractive or white enough for bumble i guess, i never get a match there
tinder / cmb / hinge / league seem to work best for me in getting dates, honestly tinder works well, it probably also has the most people on it so
So I'm starting to get concerned that the kind of woman I'd like to be with is very, very rare.
On OKC I entered the following:
- Women who like men
- Ages 25-33
- Within 100 miles
- Log-in within the last month
- Looking for long-term dating
- Doesn't smoke/trying to quit
- Atheist/agnostic
- Monogamous
- Doesn't want kids
No results!
Out of curiosity I changed the location to "anywhere" and got only two results in the US, both in Portland. I got a lot more results by getting rid of "doesn't want kids", but that's a really major thing to sacrifice.
That's not even taking into account personality, shared interests, sexual attraction, etc.
Not sure how I'm supposed to get dating experience without purposefully going out with women I don't think I'll probably like, but I don't want to waste anyone's time either. The last two girlfriends I've had both decided eventually they wanted to have kids someday, were both Christian (the former more devout than the latter), neither had interests in common with me, and the most recent's personality didn't really gel with mine.
I don't know how dating websites/OKC works, but it's possible that lots of people don't have quite that much info in their profile, so they just aren't showing up? Like if I search some databases for any entry that fits 9 criteria, I won't find many matches just because lots of entries will have a blank for at least one of those 9 things. Like, how many atheists put that in their profile? How many people bother specifying "monogamous?" Etc.
yeah of those non-geographic filters, the only one I'd keep is the nonsmoking one
the goal is to meet someone and see how compatible you are; setting filter as though you're planning your whole life together is just gonna make you miss matches
it was the smallest on the list but
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Using those settings on PoF returned a good many more results, fortunately.
Maybe I am picky, but it's very important to me that someone would be non-religious and wouldn't want kids. I'm trying to see if I can at least compromise on having a lot of common interests, but that was one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out.
It definitely means less overwhelming message spam for the women, which I appreciate, but as somebody who sent reasonably high-quality messages it sucks to get less exposure. Like it seems to require more active involvement from the recipient, and I have no way of knowing which women are actually doing that. Given that I'm still being asked to write a message before establishing a match, it starts to become a questionable use of my time.
Gonna try Bumble as well and see how that goes before I resort to Tinder.
tbh
im not attractive or white enough for bumble i guess, i never get a match there
tinder / cmb / hinge / league seem to work best for me in getting dates, honestly tinder works well, it probably also has the most people on it so
okc i barely bother with anymore
Bumble very much has a dynamic where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. If you get some matches it starts ranking you higher in the list for people seeing your profile so more people see you. The more people see you the more matches you get, the higher you rank in people's queue. Same thing if you don't get matches except it pushes other people past you. Your experience was also my experience for a long time until one iteration of my profile got like 7 matches in a day during the boost in the queue that you get from being a new profile. Since then, I have been get a small but nonzero trickle of matches.
One other thing to keep in mind with bumble is that when you're swiping you get ranked higher in people's queue because you're part of the active pool of people using the app. Or so I've read anyway. It seems true for me. Swiping at high usage times (morning ~9am, evening ~5-6pm and Sunday nights) has helped. Personally, I feel like bumble would be much better if they showed you people in a range around your own attractiveness level based on number of right swipes. This thing where you just see the most attractive people in your geographic range is quite disheartening. Like none of these people are going to match with me, just show me people who might possibly be interested!
3DS FC: 1977-1274-3558 Pokemon X ingame name: S3xy Vexy
Bumble is definitely a case of like
Yeah all these people are leagues too attractive for me why are you showing them
So no matches
Never once gotten a date through there or barely any messaging
The other ones work better for me
Tinder honestly seems like one of the most reasonable and democratic, i dunno why
Tinder has no real standards. Even if you're a cup of raw sewage next to someone else's glass of wine you still look better than the swimming pool full of feces and used syringes that makes up the rest of the population.
Using those settings on PoF returned a good many more results, fortunately.
Maybe I am picky, but it's very important to me that someone would be non-religious and wouldn't want kids. I'm trying to see if I can at least compromise on having a lot of common interests, but that was one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out.
I'd consider loosening the amount of search filters when you are looking for folks on OKC, since I think some of those fields don't show up if they aren't filled in, and you'd miss a lot of potential matches. Things like "Atheist" and "Monogamous" and "Doesn't Want Kids" aren't generally things that people fill in, either because they are lazy or because they don't want to scare away potential matches. I know, I know... lying on the internet?? ON A DATING SITE?? Most people don't see this as a lie, because it's more of an omission. A lot of women also fudge a bit on their profile to deter creeps or to attract a specific kind of person that they see as their ideal. Finally, when it comes to vices, a lot of people have changed their preferences (maybe they are so over drinking, for example), but forget to change their dating profile.
I can't remember if the "Women Who Like Men" filter exclusively screens people that ONLY put "Women Who Like Men" and doesn't catch the "Women Who Like Men" AND "Women Who Like Women" people.
Age range is okay to filter, but a lot of people lie about their age on dating sites, so it's of dubious usefulness.
Of the various filters, proximity is probably the best one, although you'll also catch a bunch of people who are on vacation or passing through the area on a business trip.
If it were me, I'd probably just filter for Women Who Like Men (since I think that one is required?), age range (but set this wide, like +/- 9 or 10 years, down to legal age of course), and proximity. The rest of the stuff are things that you can find out from messaging/actual dates, and act as good messaging topics when getting to know someone.
There is value in dating people outside of your wheelhouse, too! I went on a few dates like this. Dating is a skill, just like any other, and when you are with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with, it's fine! You are getting some practice in. You'll get more confidence and a larger base of knowledge. Also, it helps you to define what you ACTUALLY want rather than what you THINK you want. Attraction in the theoretical means jack squat compared to physically being there in front of a person.
Finally, you are doing the right thing with switching around apps. Dating apps are HIGHLY geographically dependent. There are cities where Tinder and Bumble are basically deserts, but PoF has a lot of hits, and vice versa. In my area, PoF was this gigantic net of Hot Christian Singles (at least, in my age range) which did not appeal to me, but OKC and Bumble had a lot of folks.
Bumble is definitely a case of like
Yeah all these people are leagues too attractive for me why are you showing them
So no matches
Never once gotten a date through there or barely any messaging
The other ones work better for me
Tinder honestly seems like one of the most reasonable and democratic, i dunno why
Bumble's algorithm deliberately shows you the most attractive people (most swiped on) first. And you should never think that people are "just too attractive" for you! They are presenting their best face forward, but most of them are just normal people like you. Also, you can't presume what is attractive for other people, too. I know quite a few women who are into "dad bods" and the like, or value personality or personal values much more than appearance.
Also even the most ghoulish humans are usually capable of taking a good looking photo from at least one angle; it can be hard to tell what level of bullshot you’re dealing with
Which is another point in favor of casting a wide net
it was the smallest on the list but
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Oh wow, I never knew the thing about Bumble and now it finally makes tons of sense. I kept getting tons of SUPER attractive women. I know in theory there's no such thing as out of your league and what not, but in swype apps looks matter more than usual and there's no way I'm going to get matched up with them.
Also, there was a profile critique thread in a fb thread, and someone had the following line:
"Its Collabor18 so its time to work together and achieve something. Maybe its also 20Date-teen? Let's find out!"
And even knowing where that reference is from, I can't imagine anyone reading that and not thinking that the person wanted to date teens.
Yeah I got very few matches on Bumble and I strongly suspect it's because of inactive profiles. I have no idea how many people are truly active on there, but it's a whole lot less than Tinder which is night and day more productive. Once you get through the real users on Bumble, you can keep swiping inactive users forever without knowing it.
It's really too bad that I see so many women with profiles that say they aren't interested in games, as someone whose primary hobby is video games. It's a shame.
Also weird is that there's all these criminals out there looking for accomplices.
I used to be super into video games, and I am not so much anymore. My husband was and still is into video games. I think you don't need to have the same hobbies to still get along, sometimes different hobbies makes it more interesting/not as boring even. Same with personality types. I ended up with someone that has the exact opposite personality type as myself. Hufflepuff with a Slytherin, etc.
I ended up not finding the love of my life through this [chat] thread (met my partner at work) but it did give me very good advice through the ups and downs/supports through my dating experience.
In the first week of July I started going out with someone new. We matched on Tinder on a Saturday morning and met up that night. I met up with her again the following Tuesday night, and then on Wednesday we spent 12 hours together. Since then we went out to eat several times, went bar hopping, saw two movies, and she even invited me to an event to meet her friends and co-workers. We were of course texting and calling each other a lot in the meantime.
So I thought things were going very well. I had just spent most of the day on Tuesday of last week with her, and when I left everything seemed fine. The next day I called her, but something was off. She didn't seem interested in talking at all, and the next morning she sent me a text apologizing for acting grumpy. We didn't text much for the next few days. On Saturday I asked if she wanted to hang out, but she declined and said she wanted to rest at home. The following day she didn't text me at all, the first time she hadn't texted me since we started going out.
I called her Monday and talked for a while, and she was still giving me short answers, though after about five minutes she started to talk more casually. Unfortunately, she hasn't called or texted since then.
So I'm frankly at a loss for what's going on here or what I should do.
Just guessing, but when people suddenly dial back the interest like that without giving an obvious reason, its usually because someone else came up (possibly the ex or just someone else she decided to get more serious with). Try to engage with her a few more times, but if she still doesn't respond, I'd suggest moving on (maybe saving her number to check back in a few months, in case the other person craps out).
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Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
I really like this chick so far. We're going out again on Saturday for my birthday and I can't wait.
Everyone else seems to think and that it should be included and that I'm crazy. Am I?
I'm an INFJ, btw. Hurray for being rare!
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
It's bullshit, but I think I side with the people who put down their height in their profiles. I mean, you want to put the best version of yourself on the profile, sure, but you also want to be honest. Certainly, you don't want to either call attention to your own height in your profile text, or say "I only date tall/short people" (Gee, THAT'S an attractive look *eyeroll*).
Thanks for saving ME the time, actually.
Twitch: KoopahTroopah - Steam: Koopah
Similarly, if height matters that much to you we probably aren't a good match. I'm either to short, or we have different outlooks on life and won't click. I have a picture of my stand upright in my living room, what I feel is a very honest picture of how I look. If you think I'm hiding info from you and we haven't even chatted yet, well yikes that screams red flag to me.
That's my whole take on it.
I'll add on to what @Hahnsoo1 said and mention that it can also be part of the culture for some dating apps. Back when Tinder was more known for hookups than more conventional dating, it was something people often put into their blurb as it could be something shoppers of the flesh market would be interested in and look for. Like other corners of the Internet, dating sites/apps develop their own weird traditions at times.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
5'9" isn't a height to even get defensive about. Most people will think "oh, that's pretty average" and won't think twice about it. Part of it is that you have to open your mind to the possibility that maybe the initial attraction might be height or appearance-related, but that a deeper connection will occur after that initial attraction. Statements like "We probably aren't a good match if X" are just closing doors that should remain cracked open and ajar, especially when it comes to online dating.
Depends on the profile, IMO. Tinder/Bumble sounds like what everyone's talking about. For something like OKCupid/Match/PoF I think it's a little odd to not have it, as those are more long-form profiles intended to give a bigger picture.
Also weird is that there's all these criminals out there looking for accomplices.
At one point there was a fake profile filled with nothing but the most overused cliches on OKC at the time and it was glorious while being a sad statement about so many profiles.
My theory is that it's a mix of a few things going on.
First off, a lot of women probably aren't used to having to present themselves in written form to potential mates. In a lot of settings in meatspace, it's usually a guy that has to try to make interesting conversation and think of something interesting to say first and decides whether to approach on nothing but visual information. In online dating, guys still usually start the conversation (or try to anyway) but with profiles it's now the woman who has to think of some interesting words to have ready to go. Of course many guys completely ignore said profile and just message based on pictures anyway.
This is on top of many people generally having trouble putting forth a picture of themselves in words. Think about how many people need help writing resumes or struggle with job interviews. It's just not a natural thing to do for many people even outside of interesting changes to dating dynamics from apps and websites.
Added to all this is that heterosexual app users probably don't do a lot of checking out of their own gender's profiles. As a result they may not recognize how cliched something they think is clever or cute is. What could be entertaining or at least okay small talk if heard once in a week is not the same if you see it 12 times while going through 20 profiles in a night. It's a feeling akin to seeing a discussion thread full of nothing but the same meme over and over again though at least that would likely have some variations on it.
Dating profiles have always been a place where originality dies (eg, the old "likes long walks on the beach" from dating classifieds in newspapers) but the ease of which one can go through dozens of profiles in an hour has made it even more apparent.
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3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Probably means fewer but higher-value responses; whether that’s good or not depends on how much volume you were sending out.
I don’t really use OKC anymore, though
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Gonna try Bumble as well and see how that goes before I resort to Tinder.
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
This is where speed dating has been a huge huge help. The first thing is that it's a structured environment. You have a defined beginning and end point and no matter how bad you fuck up it's only for five minutes before you talk to the next person. You don't have to think about approaching or deciding when to end a conversation. The second thing is that people are incentivized to talk to you. You are in that person's life for five minutes whether they like it or not. This means that this person is motivated to prop up the conversation if you get in trouble. The third thing is that you get exposed to a lot of different people very quickly. This gives you exposure to all sorts of different conversation topics and a good feel for the kind of things that people like to discuss on dates.
I've done it three times now and I personally feel like I could go up to anyone and find something to talk about for at least five minutes. It hasn't yet resulted in any dates, but the process itself is way better than online dating. Once you settle down and get comfortable it's actually quite fun chatting with random people.
tbh
im not attractive or white enough for bumble i guess, i never get a match there
tinder / cmb / hinge / league seem to work best for me in getting dates, honestly tinder works well, it probably also has the most people on it so
okc i barely bother with anymore
On OKC I entered the following:
- Women who like men
- Ages 25-33
- Within 100 miles
- Log-in within the last month
- Looking for long-term dating
- Doesn't smoke/trying to quit
- Atheist/agnostic
- Monogamous
- Doesn't want kids
No results!
Out of curiosity I changed the location to "anywhere" and got only two results in the US, both in Portland. I got a lot more results by getting rid of "doesn't want kids", but that's a really major thing to sacrifice.
That's not even taking into account personality, shared interests, sexual attraction, etc.
Not sure how I'm supposed to get dating experience without purposefully going out with women I don't think I'll probably like, but I don't want to waste anyone's time either. The last two girlfriends I've had both decided eventually they wanted to have kids someday, were both Christian (the former more devout than the latter), neither had interests in common with me, and the most recent's personality didn't really gel with mine.
Trying to stay positive best I can, though.
the goal is to meet someone and see how compatible you are; setting filter as though you're planning your whole life together is just gonna make you miss matches
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Maybe I am picky, but it's very important to me that someone would be non-religious and wouldn't want kids. I'm trying to see if I can at least compromise on having a lot of common interests, but that was one of the reasons my last relationship didn't work out.
Bumble very much has a dynamic where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. If you get some matches it starts ranking you higher in the list for people seeing your profile so more people see you. The more people see you the more matches you get, the higher you rank in people's queue. Same thing if you don't get matches except it pushes other people past you. Your experience was also my experience for a long time until one iteration of my profile got like 7 matches in a day during the boost in the queue that you get from being a new profile. Since then, I have been get a small but nonzero trickle of matches.
One other thing to keep in mind with bumble is that when you're swiping you get ranked higher in people's queue because you're part of the active pool of people using the app. Or so I've read anyway. It seems true for me. Swiping at high usage times (morning ~9am, evening ~5-6pm and Sunday nights) has helped. Personally, I feel like bumble would be much better if they showed you people in a range around your own attractiveness level based on number of right swipes. This thing where you just see the most attractive people in your geographic range is quite disheartening. Like none of these people are going to match with me, just show me people who might possibly be interested!
Yeah all these people are leagues too attractive for me why are you showing them
So no matches
Never once gotten a date through there or barely any messaging
The other ones work better for me
Tinder honestly seems like one of the most reasonable and democratic, i dunno why
Tinder has no real standards. Even if you're a cup of raw sewage next to someone else's glass of wine you still look better than the swimming pool full of feces and used syringes that makes up the rest of the population.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
I can't remember if the "Women Who Like Men" filter exclusively screens people that ONLY put "Women Who Like Men" and doesn't catch the "Women Who Like Men" AND "Women Who Like Women" people.
Age range is okay to filter, but a lot of people lie about their age on dating sites, so it's of dubious usefulness.
Of the various filters, proximity is probably the best one, although you'll also catch a bunch of people who are on vacation or passing through the area on a business trip.
If it were me, I'd probably just filter for Women Who Like Men (since I think that one is required?), age range (but set this wide, like +/- 9 or 10 years, down to legal age of course), and proximity. The rest of the stuff are things that you can find out from messaging/actual dates, and act as good messaging topics when getting to know someone.
There is value in dating people outside of your wheelhouse, too! I went on a few dates like this. Dating is a skill, just like any other, and when you are with someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with, it's fine! You are getting some practice in. You'll get more confidence and a larger base of knowledge. Also, it helps you to define what you ACTUALLY want rather than what you THINK you want. Attraction in the theoretical means jack squat compared to physically being there in front of a person.
Finally, you are doing the right thing with switching around apps. Dating apps are HIGHLY geographically dependent. There are cities where Tinder and Bumble are basically deserts, but PoF has a lot of hits, and vice versa. In my area, PoF was this gigantic net of Hot Christian Singles (at least, in my age range) which did not appeal to me, but OKC and Bumble had a lot of folks.
Which is another point in favor of casting a wide net
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Also, there was a profile critique thread in a fb thread, and someone had the following line:
"Its Collabor18 so its time to work together and achieve something. Maybe its also 20Date-teen? Let's find out!"
And even knowing where that reference is from, I can't imagine anyone reading that and not thinking that the person wanted to date teens.
I used to be super into video games, and I am not so much anymore. My husband was and still is into video games. I think you don't need to have the same hobbies to still get along, sometimes different hobbies makes it more interesting/not as boring even. Same with personality types. I ended up with someone that has the exact opposite personality type as myself. Hufflepuff with a Slytherin, etc.
I ended up not finding the love of my life through this [chat] thread (met my partner at work) but it did give me very good advice through the ups and downs/supports through my dating experience.
Thanks for everything
So I thought things were going very well. I had just spent most of the day on Tuesday of last week with her, and when I left everything seemed fine. The next day I called her, but something was off. She didn't seem interested in talking at all, and the next morning she sent me a text apologizing for acting grumpy. We didn't text much for the next few days. On Saturday I asked if she wanted to hang out, but she declined and said she wanted to rest at home. The following day she didn't text me at all, the first time she hadn't texted me since we started going out.
I called her Monday and talked for a while, and she was still giving me short answers, though after about five minutes she started to talk more casually. Unfortunately, she hasn't called or texted since then.
So I'm frankly at a loss for what's going on here or what I should do.