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[Internet Dating] - Ave, Imperator, amaturi te salutant!

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  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    I have some thoughts on being picky online, but all of my dating is extracurricular, due to my relationship being open. I think that's a caveat worth disclosing, but at the same time all it does is really narrow my pool and make the process of filtering even more critical for me.

    The only common thread among my successes is generally a high willingness and a positive attitude towards talking about expectations up front in a pretty casual manner. I've tried to keep that in mind and not let the date resume get in the way of just enjoying people. My good relationships have all generally had at least one major descriptor that fell out of line with my ideals, and my 4 major failures of dates have had excellent stats on paper towards my ideals, but horribly underperformed in person.

    Every date I've had that was good, the dude explicitly asked if he could kiss me, which is adorable and very in line with my comfort levels. One of my more successful and long lasting relationships was with an extroverted dude who failed on paper with a ton of my expectations. He was also more old fashioned/older in general, but that didn't get in the way of him setting expectations or asking to kiss me straight up, and did nothing to harm his suaveness. Probably not an approach everyone likes, but if it's on par with the sort of communication you wish you got, I think it's a good strategy.

    I can remember these things being said on my good first dates: "I'm not really a text every day kind of person, but I'm weird and do like getting a longer email", "If things are going well, I won't mind if we can only get together once a month", "Would a phone call out of the blue be odd for you?"

    It's a little harder to do that when your needs are the opposite (You don't want to say "I'd prefer we text everyday" off the bat, obviously), but figuring out what someone might be looking for might help you strike the right pace after a few dates: "I'm always up for texting all day, but I know that's not everyone's thing. Do you have a preference?.

    Luck, chance and serendipity are more a part of dating than most of the rest of our lives. I've found more luck leaning in on people who could talk out a problem rather than looking for people who I thought would not generate problems (everyone causes problems, its what we do).

    That's a bunch of anecdotal advice, but @Hexmage-PA for something specific, I consider myself an atheist but I'm pretty sure I've picked Zen/buddhist on many a dating site because that's something early 20s Iruka would do and not think to change it. Filtering for only atheism might eliminate some people who list shit like that because they don't think about it that much.

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  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
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  • KoopahTroopahKoopahTroopah The koopas, the troopas. Philadelphia, PARegistered User regular
    I deleted Tinder and stopped logging into Bumble and OKC. I think I found a partner for the foreseeable future with the girl I started dating a few weeks ago from OKC. We struggled a little bit with our first couple times together, but we've clicked really well and we like each other a whole lot and have spent a huge amount of time over the past three weeks, so we decided to not see anyone else. Consider this my thread sign off into lurker status.

    Best of luck fellow nerds, if I can do it so can you! <3

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  • CantidoCantido Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    Aw, damn. I'm so dissapointed. I met a beautiful gamer girl, but she said she didn't think it would work out, and she's probably right.

    She was an Asian American homebody. A very timid one, and I think I intimidated her. From age 29 and beyond, I have come out of my shell and started seeking different activities other than gaming to meet women. And so this girl comes along after all the changes I made years later. She doesn't vote, she's home every weekend babysitting her nephews in exchange for a rent discount from her siblings, and she said she originally wanted to be an Optometrist but "didn't want to deal with customers" so now she's a medical coder. I think I scared her off with the different city wide activities I seek out on weekends. I told her that gaming with her (Overcooked and Monaco) was more precious to me than any outside event. She also said something in our communication was "missing". But she genuinely still liked me as a friend. I asked her if she can think of what can make my communication better, to let me know.

    Being rejected by a gamer girl sucks the most.

    Another thing is, the only women who seem to want to date me and are responding to my dating profile are Asian. Stop giggling. I'm a 5'9 34 year old who looks like a 26 year old bishounen, albeit with more muscle. I turned heads overseas. My first sexual partner was a foreign Korean. My first girlfriend was Chinese. Back in America, dates with American women are going nowhere. A Japanese woman wants to meet me next. I'm becoming uncomfortable with the disparity in communication between me and foreign women, and wanted to make it a point to date an American woman. If I can't make my communication right for an American woman, what if the disparity on skills in English are setting a time limit on a relationship with a foreign woman? I picked up Mars and Venus on a Date and I'm running through it so I can refine my communication with women in general.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    What are some dating sites other than the ones in the OP?

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    I am seriously having zero luck finding anyone new, and I just know if I do find someone else I'll be so afraid of doing something wrong that I'll end up turning them off like I probably did the last woman I was seeing. I've started listening to dating and approach advice podcasts and YouTube videos so I can gain some level of confidence as to what I should do, but I'm afraid of being exposed to bad advice. I'm at least avoiding things with titles mentioning things like "manliness" or "alphas".

    I went to a party last friday hoping to meet someone, but the only two women there were the girlfriends of the guy whose birthday it was and the guy whose house it was. I'm going to a Halloween party later this month, so maybe I'll have some luck there.

    I did have an ex contact me a few days ago out of the blue who was interested in getting back together, but we didn't click at all beforehand so I declined. She admitted she was just lonely and couldn't find anyone else she even liked at all.

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  • Steel AngelSteel Angel Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    I am seriously having zero luck finding anyone new, and I just know if I do find someone else I'll be so afraid of doing something wrong that I'll end up turning them off like I probably did the last woman I was seeing. I've started listening to dating and approach advice podcasts and YouTube videos so I can gain some level of confidence as to what I should do, but I'm afraid of being exposed to bad advice.

    I went to a party last friday hoping to meet someone, but the only two women there were the girlfriends of the guy whose birthday it was and the guy whose house it was. I'm going to a Halloween party later this month, so maybe I'll have some luck there.

    I did have an ex contact me a few days ago out of the blue who was interested in getting back together, but we didn't click at all beforehand so I declined. She admitted she was just lonely and couldn't find anyone else she even liked at all.

    What kind of area are you living in? A lot of how things work in regards to making new friends and dating that can vary based on the population density where you are. There's also a lot of very region specific stuff beyond that too of course but knowing where on the rural/small town/suburb/city spectrum you are can help inform both meeting people you might want to date and meeting people to just generally expand your social circles/help stave off the fear of dying alone.

    Big Dookie wrote: »
    I found that tilting it doesn't work very well, and once I started jerking it, I got much better results.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    I just matched with someone who is extremely my type. I've already messaged her back and forth a bit, but she's taking a long time between replies and it's making me very nervous each time that she'll just stop replying without explanation.

    EDIT: Siiiiigh...been two hours with no response.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    She finally texted back at 8:00. I waited about 15 minutes to reply, and I haven't heard anything since.

    I'm not used to an initial conversation being so slow. If she wasn't interested I wouldn't think she'd have bothered replying, but if she was interested I'd think she would be replying more quickly. I know I'd be afraid of a girl losing interest if I did the same.

    Maybe I need to skip the small talk and ask her out already.

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  • Inkstain82Inkstain82 Registered User regular
    If you're upset that someone you just contacted on the internet has only responded to you several times in the few hours you've known each other, it's time to calm down and take a break for a day or two.

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  • BionicPenguinBionicPenguin Registered User regular
    Some people just don't check their phones that often. Settle down.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    I've just never had the pace be this glacial before. I did get another message after I went to bed, so I guess I shouldn't worry.

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  • ErlkönigErlkönig Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    I've just never had the pace be this glacial before. I did get another message after I went to bed, so I guess I shouldn't worry.

    Maybe my experience is a little different, but "glacial" implies days between messages. To me, rapid-fire messages means they message me in the morning either before work or on the commute to work, I respond during a lunch break, I hear back after they get home from work, and I'll respond before bed and the cycle repeats the next day.

    Now, I fully acknowledge the possibility that I'm just weird, but that's typically how it goes for me.

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  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    For me, pre-meet texting is simply to build comfort prior to the actual meet. Some people message back in seconds, others may only message once per day (I'm closer to a once per day messager).

    If you're the type that likes to talk a lot, in person is the best way to actually get to know someone that accomodates your needs if the other person isn't a rapid-fire texter.

    Don't worry about asking for a meeting too soon though, one of the little secrets of online dating is that if someone actually wants to meet up, you're more likely to lose that chance by messaging too much than asking too soon.

    Shazkar Shadowstorm
  • Shazkar ShadowstormShazkar Shadowstorm Registered User regular
    Yeah I just text enough to feel okay asking a person out
    But it’s usually not very quick back and forth
    Once or twice a day?

    Ideally I just ask the person out within the first few messages
    And I wouldn’t consider anything greater less than 48 hours to be slow tbh

    poo
  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    I guess my previous experiences have been atypical, then. I'm more used to someone replying in less than ten minutes when we first start talking.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    We've been talking more today, so I went ahead and asked her if she wanted to go out, to which she replied that she won't be free until next Tuesday.

    I'm frankly terrified I'll say something to cause her to lose interest before then...but maybe not!

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  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    You have so much anxiety around a person you haven't actually met. That isn't healthy or happy, though it is understandable.

    Two things: whatever happens, it's okay. It's fine. Other thing, my saying it isn't healthy or happy doesn't make you a bad person or a failure.

    okay, third thing: if it doesn't work out, that doesn't mean you're a shit person.

    OnTheLastCastle on
    I'm a published writer and have a very unique and interesting writing style. I'm also sharp and witty. My profile is well-written and hilarious. My messages are likewise brilliant. And I've been doing this stuff for...four or five years. I know what "works" in terms of good internet dating writing. "Works" in the sense of leading to a "date" with a human female.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    Nevermind!

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  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    It's been a day since I heard from the woman I had been talking to. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I absolutely hate being ghosted and am afraid that's what this is going to turn out to be.

    EDIT: It doesn't help that my friend's wife just posted on Facebook "nine years together and two years married!"

    I don't want to chase you around the forum telling you to get in therapy, but feeling down because of other people's seemingly successful marriages is not a good sign. Loneliness is rough and it can really color how we look at the world in some damaging ways. Social media is also great at picking at scabs when you are trying to let some of those thoughts go. Highly suggest taking a break from it, if its contributing to a feeling that you aren't getting what other people have.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    I looked on Tinder to see if the woman I'd been talking to had replied yet, and it looks like she deleted her profile because our conversation isn't there anymore.

    I might try to take a half day off work today so I can chill.

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  • ArchangleArchangle Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    I looked on Tinder to see if the woman I'd been talking to had replied yet, and it looks like she deleted her profile because our conversation isn't there anymore.

    I might try to take a half day off work today so I can chill.
    Just bear in mind that it's probably nothing to do with you - merely messaging someone (even fairly rapid fire) is unlikely to cause someone to delete their profile.

    It's far more likely that she had an extreme reaction from someone else, and you're just left feeling unnecessarily shitty about yourself. It's just really unfortunate that it sucks so much.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited October 2018
    Archangle wrote: »
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    I looked on Tinder to see if the woman I'd been talking to had replied yet, and it looks like she deleted her profile because our conversation isn't there anymore.

    I might try to take a half day off work today so I can chill.
    Just bear in mind that it's probably nothing to do with you - merely messaging someone (even fairly rapid fire) is unlikely to cause someone to delete their profile.

    It's far more likely that she had an extreme reaction from someone else, and you're just left feeling unnecessarily shitty about yourself. It's just really unfortunate that it sucks so much.

    Yeah, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. I'm more disappointed than upset because it looked like we had a lot in common.

    On her profile at one point she described herself as "a bundle of anxiety", so I guess she got cold feet. I know back when I had even more social anxiety than I do now I had a couple of girls try to ask me out only for me to make excuses why I was busy, so it could be the same for her.

    Alternatively, she could have also matched with another guy, decided she was more interested in him than me, and deleted her profile after getting his number so she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I figure the prior scenario is more likely, though.

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  • Lord_AsmodeusLord_Asmodeus goeticSobriquet: Here is your magical cryptic riddle-tumour: I AM A TIME MACHINERegistered User regular
    So, if someone who messages you has a profile that's borderline looking fake, but isn't fake enough to obviously get flagged and made invisible by OKC like 90% of the people who message me, what's the best response/way to tell? I got a message from someone with 2 profile pictures, one of which is a drawing of a someone and the other doesn't show their face. They only have 15 questions answered which are about the number I tend to see on fake profiles, and while they have filled in some of their profile stuff it's nothing more than a short paragraph and it's all pretty standard stuff. And their message to me was just "Hii" (yes with two i's) Should I respond or should I just ignore this one?

    Lord_Asmodeus.gifLord_Asmodeus2.gifz1i30sg.png
  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    So, if someone who messages you has a profile that's borderline looking fake, but isn't fake enough to obviously get flagged and made invisible by OKC like 90% of the people who message me, what's the best response/way to tell? I got a message from someone with 2 profile pictures, one of which is a drawing of a someone and the other doesn't show their face. They only have 15 questions answered which are about the number I tend to see on fake profiles, and while they have filled in some of their profile stuff it's nothing more than a short paragraph and it's all pretty standard stuff. And their message to me was just "Hii" (yes with two i's) Should I respond or should I just ignore this one?

    Use a reverse image lookup on their photos. If it feels hinky, it probably is hinky. Ask them a random question and get a real response like "What's your favorite Christmas or Halloween movie?" "What's the food you're most looking forward to eating at Thanksgiving?" etc.

    I'm a published writer and have a very unique and interesting writing style. I'm also sharp and witty. My profile is well-written and hilarious. My messages are likewise brilliant. And I've been doing this stuff for...four or five years. I know what "works" in terms of good internet dating writing. "Works" in the sense of leading to a "date" with a human female.

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  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    So, if someone who messages you has a profile that's borderline looking fake, but isn't fake enough to obviously get flagged and made invisible by OKC like 90% of the people who message me, what's the best response/way to tell? I got a message from someone with 2 profile pictures, one of which is a drawing of a someone and the other doesn't show their face. They only have 15 questions answered which are about the number I tend to see on fake profiles, and while they have filled in some of their profile stuff it's nothing more than a short paragraph and it's all pretty standard stuff. And their message to me was just "Hii" (yes with two i's) Should I respond or should I just ignore this one?
    I never responded to just "Hi", especially if it was not spelled correctly. Which apparently is quite common on dating sites, for no goddamn reason.

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  • Steel AngelSteel Angel Registered User regular
    Hahnsoo1 wrote: »
    So, if someone who messages you has a profile that's borderline looking fake, but isn't fake enough to obviously get flagged and made invisible by OKC like 90% of the people who message me, what's the best response/way to tell? I got a message from someone with 2 profile pictures, one of which is a drawing of a someone and the other doesn't show their face. They only have 15 questions answered which are about the number I tend to see on fake profiles, and while they have filled in some of their profile stuff it's nothing more than a short paragraph and it's all pretty standard stuff. And their message to me was just "Hii" (yes with two i's) Should I respond or should I just ignore this one?
    I never responded to just "Hi", especially if it was not spelled correctly. Which apparently is quite common on dating sites, for no goddamn reason.

    If it's a fake account/bot, I imagine it's for a similar reason a lot of scam e-mails have horrible spelling: They want to weed out people who pay attention to details and therefore are less likely to fall for whatever scam they're running.

    Big Dookie wrote: »
    I found that tilting it doesn't work very well, and once I started jerking it, I got much better results.

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  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy RESIST. irregularRegistered User regular
    I went on a date last night. She was pretty rad. Though she is also insanely busy.

    We have a date scheduled for November.

    I’m gonna go because she’s rad.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    I have to say that since looking into dating advice I can kinda see how some people end up getting involved with pick-up artist tactics and alpha/beta male worldviews. There's a lot of advice even from podcasts that aren't explicitly associated with those things that comes off as sexist or macho to me.

    For example, one I listened to advised, among other things, that a guy should never ask a woman if she's having a good time on a date because the woman will interpret that as a lack of confidence and be turned off.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited November 2018
    God, the more dating advice I read the less confident I feel. I was hoping for the opposite!

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited November 2018
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    God, the more dating advice I read the less confident I feel. I was hoping for the opposite!

    I was just venting when I posted this the other day, but honestly just now I think I've come to the conclusion that even reading quality dating advice like The Art of Charm is ultimately doing me more harm than good. I started looking into this stuff thinking it would make me more confident but instead I think it's ultimately given me more things to worry about and self-criticize over. I think I'm gonna stop looking at it for a while and see what happens.

    BTW why is this thread so dead? Did everyone already get married?

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  • Inkstain82Inkstain82 Registered User regular
    The main thing to remember is that people want to date each other and that overcomes a lot of the barriers.

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  • DashuiDashui Registered User regular
    edited November 2018
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    God, the more dating advice I read the less confident I feel. I was hoping for the opposite!

    I was just venting when I posted this the other day, but honestly just now I think I've come to the conclusion that even reading quality dating advice like The Art of Charm is ultimately doing me more harm than good. I started looking into this stuff thinking it would make me more confident but instead I think it's ultimately given me more things to worry about and self-criticize over. I think I'm gonna stop looking at it for a while and see what happens.

    BTW why is this thread so dead? Did everyone already get married?

    There is some good advice out there, but you can easily find yourself going down a rabbit hole with a lot of noise. What's worked for me is asking less questions and being more expressive with my statements. When I would get in my head, I'd struggle for things to say and just throw out questions instead. That led to the whole night feeling like a one-sided interview and my date not getting a good idea of who I was. In normal conversation, we follow jump-off points that create a back and forth flow without even really thinking about it. That's the goal to aim for and it will get easier to do with time.

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  • JragghenJragghen Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    God, the more dating advice I read the less confident I feel. I was hoping for the opposite!

    I was just venting when I posted this the other day, but honestly just now I think I've come to the conclusion that even reading quality dating advice like The Art of Charm is ultimately doing me more harm than good. I started looking into this stuff thinking it would make me more confident but instead I think it's ultimately given me more things to worry about and self-criticize over. I think I'm gonna stop looking at it for a while and see what happens.

    BTW why is this thread so dead? Did everyone already get married?

    I think it's that a lot of the forum has gotten older, and yeah, a lot of us paired off with others (some who met through online dating, like me).

    If there's any general advice I'd give it's this: don't date someone trying to make yourself happy. I did that, and it sabotaged things - I got anxiety when I didn't get responses or positive feedback, I obsessed over texts, I was probably super awkward, and I DEFINITELY know I drove some people away. Happiness won't come from someone else - if you go in looking for that, you'll become a codependent relationship, and those are frequently toxic. Paradoxically, I started having more success once I stopped caring so much - when I started thinking of the dates as going out for the evening for some fun and meeting someone new, and if it went somewhere from that cool, and if not, oh well. I went into the evening/afternoon with my only goal being to have fun for the evening/afternoon. Since getting married, I've drifted some, but there's a couple folks I'm still friends with and hang out with occasionally who I met through dates and we hit it off, but not romantically. (I also uh...regularly recruited for the co-ed soccer team I managed, but that's neither here nor there :P)

    Aside from that, just remember that meeting people and conversation is a skill like any other. You can't expect to be great at it if you don't practice, and there's no practice like doing. I'm not saying "go on practice dates" or any shit like that, I'm just saying that even a date that doesn't end well can benefit you in the long run - you get a feel for how to better have a flow of conversation, you get an idea of what people like to talk about and what experiences you've had people find interesting, that sort of stuff. So don't check out and not care at ALL, but just relax - don't think about the future, try and enjoy the now. That's what we're all looking for.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    edited November 2018
    One thing I've encountered in reading dating advice that's been especially damaging to my confidence is the kind of article on "how to not come off as creepy to women". You'd think reading something like that would make me think "now I know what not to do" but instead it's primed me to be paranoid about how I come across in what I say and do.

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  • furlionfurlion Riskbreaker Lea MondeRegistered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    One thing I've encountered in reading dating advice that's been especially damaging to my confidence is the kind of article on "how to not come off as creepy to women". You'd think reading something like that would make me think "now I know what not to do" but instead it's primed me to be paranoid about how I come across in what I say and do.

    I think this thread is dead because most people use the love thread.

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  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    One thing I've encountered in reading dating advice that's been especially damaging to my confidence is the kind of article on "how to not come off as creepy to women". You'd think reading something like that would make me think "now I know what not to do" but instead it's primed me to be paranoid about how I come across in what I say and do.

    That's because that's the goal of those articles, sadly. They want you to think that "being seen as creepy" is an actual major problem for guys, to dismiss women getting their intuition pinged. Here's the simple truth - if you treat women with respect and earnestly apologize when you do something that is problematic, you will not come across as creepy.

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  • furlionfurlion Riskbreaker Lea MondeRegistered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    One thing I've encountered in reading dating advice that's been especially damaging to my confidence is the kind of article on "how to not come off as creepy to women". You'd think reading something like that would make me think "now I know what not to do" but instead it's primed me to be paranoid about how I come across in what I say and do.

    That's because that's the goal of those articles, sadly. They want you to think that "being seen as creepy" is an actual major problem for guys, to dismiss women getting their intuition pinged. Here's the simple truth - if you treat women with respect and earnestly apologize when you do something that is problematic, you will not come across as creepy.

    While that is good advice some men genuinely have no idea how to do that. Or rather they think they do and refuse to see that they do not. It would be nice if those men could find some genuine advice from people to help them see what they are doing wrong. Never looked myself so I don't know if that is out there or not.

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  • Hexmage-PAHexmage-PA Registered User regular
    Hexmage-PA wrote: »
    One thing I've encountered in reading dating advice that's been especially damaging to my confidence is the kind of article on "how to not come off as creepy to women". You'd think reading something like that would make me think "now I know what not to do" but instead it's primed me to be paranoid about how I come across in what I say and do.

    That's because that's the goal of those articles, sadly. They want you to think that "being seen as creepy" is an actual major problem for guys, to dismiss women getting their intuition pinged. Here's the simple truth - if you treat women with respect and earnestly apologize when you do something that is problematic, you will not come across as creepy.

    Well even Dr. Nerdlove, who talks about things such as gender dynamics and male privilege in his articles, has multiple articles about how not to come across as creepy. He frames it as "the world is dangerous for women and they can't afford to give the wrong socially awkward guy a chance, so they have to be selective and awkward guys have to learn how to overcome their issues because insisting women need to give awkward guys a chance could put them in danger."

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  • SatanIsMyMotorSatanIsMyMotor Registered User regular
    I would strongly encourage you not to focus so much on advice around dating. It's counter-intuitive to just being yourself and is going to get into your head in such a way that you're going to end up coming off wrong because you're so fixated on doing the dating thing a certain way.

    I know "just be yourself" is one of the most cliched things to possibly say but it's true. I seriously think dating advice that goes beyond teaching the individual to be a better more empathetic person always comes off as creepy to some degree.

    IrukathatassemblyguyGnome-Interruptus
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