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Posts

  • TOGSolidTOGSolid Drunk sailor Seattle, WashingtonRegistered User regular
    edited September 19
    Idk, that, and basically every other potential message just seems so shallow and bleh. I think my problem is IRL when I do connect to someone it's via actual conversations that happen naturally. I never just approach people and try to make small talk or just outright ask someone for a date so the entire concept of internet dating just seems alien to me. Course, my other problem is that I'm not exactly meeting anyone the way I used to either ever since I moved to Seattle and my Meetup apparently hates my two weeks on/two weeks off work schedule cause everything seems to happen when I'm at work so I'm kinda just sitting here like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    TOGSolid on
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  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
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  • KoopahTroopahKoopahTroopah The koopas, the troopas. Philadelphia, PARegistered User regular
    Not surprised at all.

    vH0O2se.gif
    Steel AngelElvenshaechromdomSmrtnikStabbity StyleT-boltthatassemblyguyButtersDoodmannEncLord_Asmodeus
  • BeefjerkyBeefjerky Registered User regular
    So my almost 10 year relationship is over. Due to circumstances leading up to this I've not gotten any action in like 6 years and as someone with a very high drive it actually negatively impacts my moods to a large degree. Now that I am going to be available I'm wondering if anyone here has recommendations on any of the hookup apps people use these days. I've never used any in the past as my last 13ish years have been 2 exclusive relationships, also I've only just had my first smartphone for a year now. I imagine my chances are a bit less for these to be successful as im now 35 and don't have the chiseled body most are probably looking for on these things. If anyone has thoughts or recommendations I would really appreciate it.

  • KwoaruKwoaru Registered User regular
    edited October 14
    Basically just tinder

    Kwoaru on
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  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    As a heads up, while tinder is a good hookup app in general, be aware that its also a dating app. So for the guys in the 30's, you'll probably match far more with people looking to date, as opposed to hookup (not that you can't get them, but its not so much the default as for the 20's).

    Shazkar ShadowstormKwoaruMrVyngaardKoopahTroopahAtlas in Chains
  • BeefjerkyBeefjerky Registered User regular
    Good to know. I wouldn't be opposed to dating either really. I made an OkCupid profile and its a wasteland. Once I added the "deal breaker" filters there was less than 20 people? Pretty slim pickings.

  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    I'm back in the dating game, and I've found Bumble to be pretty appealing for general dating. (Not sure about hookups, that's not really my bag.)

    I'm mid-forties and set my filter to about a ten year range (about two years older to eight years younger, because I think my personality tends towards the youthful side, and most of my friends are a little younger than me). I'm not super picky about setting filters - no smokers, nobody who wants more kids, lives within 40 miles, that's about it - because I mostly prefer to make the call myself, and it gives me a better idea of what's out there.

    I was mostly just intending to see what kind of ladies were in the area, and swiped left on most out of hat, but then I found one girl who seemed really nice and quite pretty and so I swiped right.

    She's very pretty, my age; likes dogs, had her shit together (she's a big mucky muck as far as I can tell and she liked me, so we matched.

    I mean, i'm not the catchiest of catches, i'm kinda particular, and it took me a weekend to get a date.

    I think the opportunities are there for those seeking to take advantage.

    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
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  • BeefjerkyBeefjerky Registered User regular
    @ElJeffe your post is encouraging.

    I'm at a point where I know what I want in a life partner and really the only big dealbreakers for me are no smoking, no drugs, no kids(To the point where I actually have a Vasectomy already) and not obese. As far as personality and hobbies that seems to be tougher. As much as I love being around nature, I'm not wanting to travel the world like what seems like 90% of people want to do. I do enjoy going for the occasional hike or event but realistically I know I would be happier to find someone who wants to play video/board games and watch movies/tv. I'm a pretty big introvert when it comes to how exhausted I get dealing with crowds of people. I think this was, at least partly, the problem with my last relationship. She got tired of trying to find things for us to do because I typically didn't(which is reasonable) because trying to find a fun activity to do every week and then attend was just too much with everything else going on. So we just sorta drifted apart, me being stuck in my rut and her regaining her independence after 8 years of disability and pushing forwards. So we are going on a break. No rules or expectations, radio silence for several months. I want to use this time to focus on myself and my physical needs have not been met for a long ass time.

    Sorry for rambling, it's been happening a lot lately. I'll give Bumble a shot. Maybe I'll have more luck with that.

    Armoroc
  • T-boltT-bolt Registered User regular
    Welp. Okcupid banned my 10+ year account for some unknown reason. I tried contacting support and the auto-response email says they'll never tell you any reason for banning for safety reasons. Didn't get a response, haven't been reinstated. Re-read the rules and didn't do anything obvious to catch their ire, unless my account got hacked. Says they ban any new accounts from someone previously banned, so I guess no more OKC for me unless it's trivial to evade it.

    So I guess all I have left is POF? :? They seem the only popular one left that doesn't have an exploitative monetization scheme limiting how many times your can swipe right or 24 hour time limits on responses.

  • HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    They're all owned by Match. They probably banned you off of OkC so you'll have to turn to a monetized service so they can pump money out of your cold, lonely heart.

    thatassemblyguyArmorocDoodmannMrVyngaardIncenjucarBrainleechApogee
  • DoodmannDoodmann Registered User regular
    I have found a very specific problem where I live too close to LAX so I either make my area very small or I end up with a bunch of people who are leaving the state/country in the next hour or so.

    Whippy wrote: »
    nope nope nope nope abort abort talk about anime
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  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    It took me a bit to realize how the location thing works on Bumble, so I was very confused when someone would show up as 20 minutes away, and then they would mention that they lived in fucking Utah or something.

    It's cool overall as a feature, but I hadn't considered how much it would get screwed by living next to an airport. Fortunately, Sacramento isn't quite the metropolitan hub that LAX is.

    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
    DoodmannKoopahTroopah
  • ElJeffeElJeffe Moderator, ClubPA mod
    edited October 16
    Incidentally, in less than an hour I will be going on my first first date since the fucking 90s. I am excited and also kind of dying inside but mostly excited.

    ElJeffe on
    Maddie: "I named my feet. The left one is flip and the right one is flop. Oh, and also I named my flip-flops."

    I make tweet.
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  • manwiththemachinegunmanwiththemachinegun METAL GEAR?! Registered User regular
    Tinder might still be okay for cities and such, but for beyond that it's kind of a wasteland.

    Stabbity Style
  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    Online dating really only works well in cities with at least 250k-500k people. The further you go below beneath that, you generally don't get enough critical mass to get a good dating pool going.

    Stabbity Style
  • Lord_AsmodeusLord_Asmodeus goeticSobriquet: Here is your magical cryptic riddle-tumour: I AM A TIME MACHINERegistered User regular
    I should probably fill out my profile more.

    Lord_Asmodeus.gifLord_Asmodeus2.gifz1i30sg.png
  • EchoEcho Moderator mod
    So I got a match on tinder yesterday just before bed time so I didn't have time to answer, today I got a message asking to talk on snapchat instead and I have no idea if this is a bot or how the kids do it these days.

    Echo wrote: »
    Let they who have not posted about their balls in the wrong thread cast the first stone.
  • chromdomchromdom Why do bad things keep happening to me? Oh yeah, because of the things I've done.Registered User regular
    I would give odds it's a bot

    I have my first date after taking quite an extended break from socialization tonight. I think I am probably quite out of practice. But she seems nice, so I will give having fun together my best try!

    LaOsShazkar ShadowstormthatassemblyguyKoopahTroopahApogeeDoodmann
  • ButtersButters A glass of some milks Registered User regular
    Echo wrote: »
    So I got a match on tinder yesterday just before bed time so I didn't have time to answer, today I got a message asking to talk on snapchat instead and I have no idea if this is a bot or how the kids do it these days.

    I had this happen a while ago and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a bot but it also didn't go anywhere. We talked about basic shit for a bit and it petered off over a few days.

    PSN: idontworkhere582 | CFN: idontworkhere | Steam: lordbutters
  • AistanAistan Tiny Bat Registered User regular
    My hypothesis is that if someone puts their snapchat or instagram in their profile text they aren't actually interested in dating they just want to get more followers.

    steam_sig.png
    ArmorocSteel AngelIncenjucarMrVyngaardDocDoodmann
  • chromdomchromdom Why do bad things keep happening to me? Oh yeah, because of the things I've done.Registered User regular
    7ghd7p7nksnn.png

    Nice.

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  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    Indeed. How many of them are from far away, though? For some reason, I've grabbed a dozen or OKC likes from Kuala Lampur, Kenya, and all sorts of other strange places.

  • BeefjerkyBeefjerky Registered User regular
    Yeah I got 37 now I think and I'm just like "I'm not paying money to find out the only interested people are basically spam"

    AistanMrVyngaardKoopahTroopah
  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    I have over 300 and I hate how it's a bizarre hide and seek game or you get the email someone messaged you and alas it's even more of a who in the hide and seek game.
    I also hate when you get the mutual like and they do nothing more with it.
    The only message I have gotten that was sane in the last year was someone commenting how unique my profile is. I don't use my name I was told I was boring by one woman so I changed it to the boar emoji.
    Compared to the rambling light novel of a profile I used to have I chopped it down to less than a 1/4 of that. yet it's just so hard to sell yourself and strike up a conversation in the sea of ugliness that is messaging

  • chromdomchromdom Why do bad things keep happening to me? Oh yeah, because of the things I've done.Registered User regular
    edited October 22
    The weird thing was that going into the weekend I had 90-something (mostly left from a few years of active account, just recently re-activated), then it dropped to 67, and 2 more came in, making me chuckle.
    No idea how to tell where they're from, but I imagine there's a fair bit of spam in there
    Maybe the drop was eliminating known spam accounts?

    EDIT: Down to 68 today. ???

    chromdom on
  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    Brainleech wrote: »
    I have over 300 and I hate how it's a bizarre hide and seek game or you get the email someone messaged you and alas it's even more of a who in the hide and seek game.
    I also hate when you get the mutual like and they do nothing more with it.
    The only message I have gotten that was sane in the last year was someone commenting how unique my profile is. I don't use my name I was told I was boring by one woman so I changed it to the boar emoji.
    Compared to the rambling light novel of a profile I used to have I chopped it down to less than a 1/4 of that. yet it's just so hard to sell yourself and strike up a conversation in the sea of ugliness that is messaging

    Out curiosity for both mods and readers here, would it be helpful for us to transcribe some of our messaging examples here (with identifying and other sensitive info removed) to get feedback on what might work and what might not work so well? I know I struggled with messaging a lot until I got some coaching (and its still not my favorite), so seeing what other people are doing might be of real help.

    KoopahTroopahDoodmann
  • OrcaOrca Registered User regular
    Blarghy wrote: »
    Brainleech wrote: »
    I have over 300 and I hate how it's a bizarre hide and seek game or you get the email someone messaged you and alas it's even more of a who in the hide and seek game.
    I also hate when you get the mutual like and they do nothing more with it.
    The only message I have gotten that was sane in the last year was someone commenting how unique my profile is. I don't use my name I was told I was boring by one woman so I changed it to the boar emoji.
    Compared to the rambling light novel of a profile I used to have I chopped it down to less than a 1/4 of that. yet it's just so hard to sell yourself and strike up a conversation in the sea of ugliness that is messaging

    Out curiosity for both mods and readers here, would it be helpful for us to transcribe some of our messaging examples here (with identifying and other sensitive info removed) to get feedback on what might work and what might not work so well? I know I struggled with messaging a lot until I got some coaching (and its still not my favorite), so seeing what other people are doing might be of real help.

    God yes.

    The 2012 issue of Fornax. | Steam and Origin: Espressosaurus
  • KoopahTroopahKoopahTroopah The koopas, the troopas. Philadelphia, PARegistered User regular
    I think as long as it does not lead to pointing at and ridiculing random people who have messaged you or you have messaged over a dating app... we should be good. People are still people after all, however misunderstood we may be.

    vH0O2se.gif
  • FryFry Registered User regular
    Struck up a new chat with a Bumbler on Friday, met them for coffee on Saturday afternoon. It was going super well I thought. About 20 minutes into coffee, they got a call telling them their dog had escaped, so they apologized and left. We both said that we were having a very good time and that we should do it again. But on Sunday when I went to message them, poof, their account gone.

    Granted, "my dog escaped" sure sounds like an excuse for a person to escape something that's not going well, but I'm pretty sure I was getting a lot of positive signs. Oh well.

    Hahnsoo1
  • KruiteKruite Registered User regular
    Yea Sorry Fry, sounds like a really bad escape excuse; take it as a sign that if she can't be honest about a coffee date she wasn't going to be honest in an intimate relationship

    Hahnsoo1AngelHedgieFryButtersKoopahTroopahElvenshaeDoodmannArmorocJoolander
  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    edited October 23
    The women that I know who are still using dating apps often have a "bailout" caller to call them during a date, so they can end dates that they aren't interested in without potentially offending the ego of the other party. That's basically what the world has come to, in terms of safety for women on dates. I wouldn't take it personally. The fact that there are men in the world who would take huge offense to having a date cut short (perhaps even becoming violent or stalker-y), and there's NO way to know at all if you are facing someone who is like that is a tricky situation to navigate.

    I really want to emphasize that it's nothing against you. Every woman I know either has been the target or knows someone who has been the target of harassment or violence for trying to stop a date. And sure, there may be some malicious actors who do this to fuck with you or manipulate you, but you really don't want a relationship with those people anyway. The vast majority of people who do the bailout call thing are doing it for their own personal safety.

    Hahnsoo1 on
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  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    Orca wrote: »
    Blarghy wrote: »
    Brainleech wrote: »
    I have over 300 and I hate how it's a bizarre hide and seek game or you get the email someone messaged you and alas it's even more of a who in the hide and seek game.
    I also hate when you get the mutual like and they do nothing more with it.
    The only message I have gotten that was sane in the last year was someone commenting how unique my profile is. I don't use my name I was told I was boring by one woman so I changed it to the boar emoji.
    Compared to the rambling light novel of a profile I used to have I chopped it down to less than a 1/4 of that. yet it's just so hard to sell yourself and strike up a conversation in the sea of ugliness that is messaging

    Out curiosity for both mods and readers here, would it be helpful for us to transcribe some of our messaging examples here (with identifying and other sensitive info removed) to get feedback on what might work and what might not work so well? I know I struggled with messaging a lot until I got some coaching (and its still not my favorite), so seeing what other people are doing might be of real help.

    God yes.

    Ok, well, let's see how this goes. My background and internet dating philosophy:

    Male, 39, Canada. I mostly use Tinder, OKC, and sometimes eharmony. Had very little dating experience until my 30's due to both introversion and single minded pursuit of my degrees and then career. I eventually realized a year or so back that while my job was filling my bank account, it was sapping my soul with 50+ hour weeks for years straight. So, I cashed out, and spent a few months travelling. During that time, the travel was fun but I realized life would probably be more fulfilling with someone to share it with. Thus, my next focus (after a few months of dithering) would be my personal life. I had tentatively been on online dating sites for years before this but, honestly, I barely tried. So, I read up on all the material I could get my hands on, did some calls with an online dating coach, and have been actually been putting forth the effort.

    My process is still evolving, but I've found that it works best for me if I -don't- read profiles before messaging anyone. The mental and emotional investment that I develop in a random stranger's bio is not that large for any one person, but multiply it over a site and I realized that its pretty damn draining and time-consuming (as I'm sure a lot of you can attest to). If, and only if, do I get a positive response to an opener do I go back and read a profile. This means I use a "canned" opener, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad one. What works best for you may vary, but I'm a fairly curious person, so my default opener tries to very lightly convey that, and it makes messaging afterwards flow more easily around that. BTW, if you're a guy seeking a girl, you need to open (be the first to start the conversation). It may seem sexist or outdated or whatever, but online dating just won't work very well at all if all you're doing is responding as a guy. I've tried.

    For messaging, I need to have a clear goal in mind when I open. I've found that if you're just wishy-washy on what you want, you're not going to get it except by sheer chance. So, my set goal is to get the girl out on a date where she is physically in my presence. Not to get to know her (you can cover 1000% more ground in person in an hour, than days in text), not to get her number, not to maybe convince -myself- that I'm worthy of dating, not to wait for her to ask me out, but to get her to agree to meet me within the next week at some physical location. This means that I will ask for a date pretty fast. Not on the open, but within the first 2-4 exchanges. If I get to 4 exchanges and haven't pitched a date, then I will try to steer the conversation to that. If she resists but stays in the conversation, that's fine, but I will bring it up again once we've built up some more comfort, and will keep bringing it up regularly until she either quits the conversation or agrees. This isn't me trying to be an aggressive horndog, but I know what I want from online dating and it is not online chit-chat. Some people want validation from online dating, but never actually want to meet, and if you want to meet actual people, you will burn yourself out chatting online with someone who won't actually meet you otherwise. So, I ask early, I ask often, and I am prepared to end conversations if our wants don't align. It stops me from burning out and my wasting emotional and mental energy on something I don't want.

    Some messaging chats from the last week (all from Tinder). Again, the context is 39 year-old me messaging women (typically in the mid-20's to mid-late 30's range). [Some of the emoticons are screwed up, since I'm taking this from the website version of Tinder]


    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. 😉 If you'd like to chat, just say hi.

    Her: Hi <myname>:)

    Me: Hey. :) Tell me, how happy would you say you are right now? (On a scale of 1 to 10, if that makes it easier) 😉

    Her: Hello, yeah actually right now I'm very happy , let's say 9 :)
    Her: What about you?

    Me: Right now: 8 -- I've got a bunch of new things done this year that I've always wanted to do, and I'm looking forward to bumping it even more. ;) What makes you a 9?

    Her: Oh sweet I'm sure you can reach a 9 soon;)
    Her: I just moved to <ourtown> so that's making the 9
    Her: New start new country, new continent , new life
    Her: I bet you're even more and more curious
    Her: [big winky face emoticon]

    Me: You bet I am. :) You seem safe enough, want to meet up for coffee or drink? I'm a bit busy this week, but Saturday or next Monday are good for me. 😉

    Her: Haha I seem safe enough to meet?or?

    Me: Safe enough to meet. Safe enough that you probably are interesting. 😉

    Her: Haha
    Her: What makes you think I am?

    Me: You uprooted your life, came to <ourtown>, and are still a 9. There's a story there. 😉

    Her: Hahaha indeed there is a story
    Her: And yes a coffee or drink would be nice

    Me: I'd like to hear it over a drink then. 😉 Saturday afternoon work for you?

    Her: Why not
    Her: Where do you live?

    Me: I'm right downtown, what part of town are you coming from?

    Her: I live in <part_of_town_close_to_me>

    Me: Pretty close, maybe at <location_in_between_us> around lunch time?

    Her: Okay yeah I've been to <location> a few days ago
    Her: What's lunch time for you? Noonish?

    Me: Yup, 12 noon is good for me. :)

    Her: Let's confirm on Saturday the exact time
    [It was a Tuesday when we were chatting, for reference]

    Me: No problem

    Her: Okies :)


    Another example:

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. If you'd like to chat, just say hi. :)

    Her: Hi
    Her: How are you?

    Me: Hey, it was just my birthday last week, so I've still got the post-birthday "let's go out and get things done" high going strong. 😉
    Me: If you had to rate your own happiness right now, say on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you end up? :)

    Her: 9.5

    Me: We've got the happiness queen over here! 😉 What's your secret?

    Her: Love my life my job and my friends :)
    Her: Just missing a man ;)

    Me: Hmm, might be able to do something there. 😉 Want to meet up for a quick get-to-know-you over coffee or a drink? I'm a bit busy this week, but next week is fairly open. :)

    Her: Next week work for me better too :)

    Me: Next Tuesday and (probably) Thursday are good for me. Maybe in the 5-6pm-ish range?

    Her: Tuesday 6pm will be perfect for me

    Me: Good stuff. :) What part of town are you coming from?

    Her: The military base

    Me: Hmm, maybe [location_between_the_two_of_us>?

    Her: Sound good !

    Me: Cool, see you then. 😉


    Last example:

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. If you'd like to chat, just say hi. :)

    Her: Hi <myname>. I didn't know people talk on Tinder. I thought you just swipe and then ghost. 🤷🏼‍♀️ At least that is the impression I got from the first 2 days of the wonderful world of Tinder.
    Her: Let's chat. How is your week going so far?

    Me: It was my birthday last week, so I've had the intoxicating mixture of free dinners, bold new resolutions for my next year, and the realization that I probably need to work off those extra-sized meals this week. 😉 How's your week been? Anything exciting?

    Her: Happy belated birthday! 🥳🥳🥳 I love birthdays, don't really get free dinners but I sure treat myself on my birthdays. 😁
    Her:What kind of bold new resolutions did you make for next year?
    Her:My week started off pretty good, it slow time at my full-time job, so I was asked to go home early yesterday and today. I have over a week of banked overtime saved, so yesterday I cleaned my apartment while getting paid and today went grocery shopping. 🤦🏼‍♀️😂 I also volunteered to go home early tomorrow as well, so I can enjoy empty gym in the afternoon, will see if I get this lucky 3 days on the row. 😁

    Me: Thank ya. :)
    Me: My bold new resolution is actually maybe a bit less bold than last year's. 😉 This year, I got out of the family business after selling, and got a bunch of my bucket list done (travelling and trying out new things every day). So, next year will be going in a brand new direction, career-wise. Its a bit scary and exciting all at once. :)
    Me: You ever do anything similar?

    Her: Nice. You must have lots of stories from this last year. What direction are going in career-wise and what kind of family business did you sell? I have done similar things, I guess, not like taking a year off and travelling (I wish, maybe in a few years). I left everything and moved to <ourtown>, if that counts, that was scary and exciting. Went on solo trips half across the world, that was also kinda scary but very exciting. I like change and new things. 😁

    Me: It was a restaurant, it was very satisfying work but the hours you need to put in were absolutely crushing. I want to try something a bit more boring for a bit, maybe accounting. Hopefully, I can rebalance things so that my personal life is more exciting than work. ;)
    Me: Alright, you do seem pretty interesting. ;) Want to meet for a quick coffee or drink next week? I'm a bit busy for the rest of the week, but next week is fairly wide open. Maybe next Monday or Tuesday after work?

    Her: Accounting sounds boring. As long as you like numbers I guess. 😁 Let's meet for coffee/drink next week. On Tuesday after work I have work, so that day is not good. I am free Monday after work. 😊

    Me: Alright, Monday then. :) What part of town are you coming from?

    Her: <Describes her location>. What part of town do you live in.

    Me: I'm right downtown, a few blocks away from <landmark>. We can do something like <location_in_between_us>, that's pretty close for both of us (and I love their cake). ;)

    Her: That place in on my vision board (I have a screenshot of it on my phone kind of vision board). I like that idea. It is a perfect weather for cake. 😋

    Me: Good stuff. :) Let's say 5-6pm-ish?

    Her: 5-6ish works for me. I should be home around 4.

    [I've accomplished my goal of scheduling a date. She wants to continue to chat, so we do so for a few more hours. I have no problem with this, but the conversation pattern is now flipped from me leading the conversation to her engaging with me. It's a lot of text and covers some personal topics, so I'm not going to transcribe it, but I've found chatting like this is far easier once I'm no longer stressing about getting the date.]


    Thoughts? Comments? Etc?

    zekebeauOrca
  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    I'd still do some cursory research on the profile and find a "hook" to talk about. From your end, you're looking for a date or a partner, but from her end, she's looking for "not a rapist or criminal", and talking about something she is interested in helps toward that end. I get it... it sucks reading all the profiles. It's a lot of work, especially when multiplied! But people appreciate the effort.

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    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
    KoopahTroopahArmoroc
  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    edited October 24
    Hahnsoo1 wrote: »
    I'd still do some cursory research on the profile and find a "hook" to talk about. From your end, you're looking for a date or a partner, but from her end, she's looking for "not a rapist or criminal", and talking about something she is interested in helps toward that end. I get it... it sucks reading all the profiles. It's a lot of work, especially when multiplied! But people appreciate the effort.

    Potentially, but I should note that I do read profiles -after- I get a response. In this case, however, reading profiles gave me a pretty cold read. The first woman had nothing written in her profile -- it was literally just 3 pictures of her, only one of which hinted at being somewhere foreign. The second one did mention she was an airforce officer, but I know nothing about that and she responded so directly to my questions that I didn't need to grope for hooks, the messaging just flowed directly into scheduling a meetup -- where I definitely expect to explore what she does in more detail. The last one was the typical "friends, family, travelling, and partner in crime" profile and she responded with multiple sentences to each of my messages, so I didn't really need to build much "I'm not a rapist' cred with her before asking her out. Being able to pull conversations out of sparse profiles might actually be a good skill to practice too, since you generally have less competition from other guys who base their messages off her profile.

    Maybe to explain the openings a bit, the "you seem like you might interesting" line is the key hook line (which I got from the coach). It hints that you read her profile and might have found -something- interesting, but doesn't tell her exactly what. Its on the edge of a compliment, but pulls back a bit with a teasing "seem like you might". It gets her a bit curious and a bit invested, and you almost always can go and identify a characteristic in her profile if she responds with something like "Why do you find me interesting". They usually only do that after a couple messages, though (like the first one does, because I specifically ask them to just say "hi"), so if you ask a question first like "How happy are you", followed by "Why", you can pull interesting things out of her (even on an otherwise completely cold profile) while giving you a plausible excuse to tell her interesting things about yourself. The happiness question also typically gets her in a good mood, thinking about sources of happiness in her life (almost everyone will respond with 7 or higher), which is a great way to quickly build ease and comfort.

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  • TOGSolidTOGSolid Drunk sailor Seattle, WashingtonRegistered User regular
    edited November 9
    Ignore

    TOGSolid on
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  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    Kinda the same as above, kinda different (this was on OKC, which has an "Open to Poly" toggle option on your profile, which I forgot about):

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. ;) If you'd like to chat, just say hi.

    Her: Hi!
    Her: How's your weekend going?

    Me: Chilly. 🙃 Been all over the city, driving in the snow and wind. It's been a little fun, though. ;)
    Me: Tell me, how happy would you say you are? (On a scale of 1-10, if that makes it easier) :)

    Her: Hovering at a 7 is say
    Her: Interesting question though
    Her: What about you?

    Me: Right now: 8 -- I've got a bunch of new things done this year that I've always wanted to do, and I'm looking forward to bumping it even more. ;) What makes you a 7?

    Her: Too much time is being allocated to a side business when I want to be focusing on other things.. hoping to ramp things down but it’s taking longer than I hoped
    Her: Do you consider yourself polyamorous?

    Me: I dunno, never been in that sort of situation. Open to it, I guess, but its not a lifestyle choice I've had to make, Why?

    Her: It says you’re specifically looking for women into that on your profile so I thought I’d save us both some time

    Me: I'm open to the concept, but I don't consider myself polyamorous, no.
    Me: Dunno if that's a dealbreaker but either way, I've been there with the side business taking over too much of your life. I just extricated myself from the family business this year and have been catching up on on life (travel, new hobbies, etc). You do anything exciting in the last few months? ;)

    Her: Not a dealbreaker just wanted to clarify
    Her: And yup I did a trip to California in June to camp and visited 3 state parks, went to Churchill twice in July and August, lots of camping and travelling around here and working on some neat projects through work
    Her: You?

    Me: Nice. I spent a month in Europe in May/June, made my way from Athens to Amsterdam with just a backpack. Managed to have a few new experiences and check a few more things off my bucket list. ;) Did a couple road trips over the summer (Missouri and Vancouver) too.
    Me: You seem safe enough though, want to meet up for a drink/coffee? Monday or Thursday are ok times for me next week. ;)

    Her: Just a couple of things.. you don’t have any kids, correct? Met up with a guy whose profile said he didn’t have kids recently then he ended up having one which meant it was a waste of time for me
    Her: Also where do you consider yourself standing politically?
    Her: But those trips sound awesome good on you.. it’s on my bucket list to throw a mattress in the back of a car one summer and drive around down south to different state parks

    Me: No kids, and I generally consider myself center-left politically -- I'm not an activist or anything, but I tend to support reasonable positions that at least attempt to do good for the world. And yeah, I haven't any travel to the SW US yet, so they're definitely still on my list too. ;)
    Me: You're not a far right wexit chick, are you? :p

    Her: Nah that’s great that aligns nicely
    Her: And nope no worries 😝
    Her: Kk well tomorrow I’m busy but Thursday works if you wanna grab a drink then
    Her: My number is <hernumber> we can take this to text

    Which turned into the typical where are you, I'm here, let's meet at place in between.

    KoopahTroopahIncenjucar
  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    I can't be the only person doing messaging right now. Let's see some of yours, so we can swap tips.


    From eharmony (I used "Hmm..." as the PM title):

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. ;) If you'd like to chat, just say hi. -<myname>

    Her: Interesting...that is a great word to describe me...I am certainly intersting. I'd be up for chatting. I am saying "hi".
    Her: I just read your profile. You also sound interesting. I am completely out of the party bar scene as well. I actually dont think I ever enjoyed it all the much. I am a girl about connection. I love connecting with other humans and to do that, a more intimate scene is required. Yelling at someone in a loud club just wont cut it. Talk soon.

    Me: Thanks. :) And agreed about how to -not- connect. Tell me, how happy would you say you are right now? (On a scale of 1-10, if that makes it easier for you)

    Her: Well that's an interesting question. I'd probably say an 8. Happiness is worked for. It is a whole lifestyle, if that makes sense to you. I am a very confident person and I dont need a lot to be happy.
    Her: You? How happy are you right now?

    Me: I peg myself at an 8 -- I've done a lot of work this year in making changes and pushing myself forward into new things. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I'm looking forward to new and exciting things. ;)
    Me:You seem safe enough, though. We should meet up for a quick get-to-know-you over coffee or a drink. Sunday or Tuesday are good times for me right now. :)

    Her: Happiness starts within. It's a mindset and paying attention to what's important.
    Her: Sure, that sounds good. I could meet tomorrow afternoon or Tuesday for lunch or early evening. <hernumber>. Let me know. I look forward to meeting you.

    (On text)

    Me: Hey <hername>, this is <myname> from eharmony. Let's shoot for tomorrow -- which part of town are you coming from?

    Her: Okay. I live near <herlocation>. You?

    Me: I'm <mylocation>. We can do something simple like Starbuck's by <herlocation> around 5pm or. Sound ok?

    Her: Yeah cool. That shounds good. Would 4 work for you?

    Me: Yup, that's fine

    Her: Great. See you then. Have a good evening.

    Me: You too :)


    From OKC (quite simple)

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. If you'd like to chat, just say hi. :)

    Her: Hey how’s it going I obviously like your profile as you did mine so perhaps we should talk about ourselves over coffee with each other

    Me: Agreed, we should meet up for a quick get-to-know-you. ;) Sunday or Monday evening are good times for me at the moment, what part of time town would you be coming from?

    Her: Monday evening would be perfect, I live right in the <herlocation> but I have a car so I’m good with whatever works :)

    Me: I'm right <ourlocation> too, makes it easier. Let's keep it simple and say <nearbyplace> at <streetintersection> at 6pm?

    Her: See you there :)

    Armoroc
  • BlarghyBlarghy Registered User regular
    edited November 18
    Tinder:

    Me: Hey <hername>, you seem like you might be interesting. 😉 If you'd like to chat, just say hi.

    Her: Hey, I wish I could say I was interesting, but it’s tough to be interesting when all I do is work lol

    Me: Well, how happy would you say you are then? (On a scale of 1-10, if you prefer)

    Her: I’m extremely happy, always over an 8

    Me: What makes you an 8, then? ;)

    Her: Love what I do, work with great people, have a great relationship with my parents and brother, have amazing friends, appreciate everything I have, just generally happy

    Me: Well, that sounds like an interesting person to me. ;)
    Me: You seem safe enough, would you like to meet for a quick get-to-know-you? Mondat or Thursday would work for me. ;)

    Her: Tomorrow would work, I have the day off, so any time is good

    Me: Which part of town are you coming from?

    Her: I'm at <herlocation>.

    Me: Know where the <location_between_us> is? Maybe mid afternoon around 2pm.

    Her: I googled it, 2pm sounds good

    Me: The one by <landmark>. ;) I'll see you there tomorrow.

    Her: Ok perfect

    Blarghy on
    21stCentury
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