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I'm in a relationship but I kissed someone last night. To tell or not to tell

lalalaneedadvicelalalaneedadvice Registered User new member
So I've been dating this girl for around 3 months now, and I absolutely effing love her.. Problem is that she's moving away to another country in a couple of weeks for good. That was always on the table and neither of us had planned to get so serious, but it happened. Currently, she's been travelling for a couple of weeks and will be back in about 5 days, for a few weeks before she moves away forever. Neither one of us is one for long distance because we're both 28 and young, and know long distancing halfway across the world is really not a feasible option. We haven't officially spoken about this bit yet.

Having said all that, last night I went to a party, got super drunk and ended up kissing another girl. Didn't have sex, but kissed for a few minutes and then stopped. I felt disgusted with myself to I left and came back home.

I feel like shit now and the guilt is driving me crazy. Should I tell her or not? I want to do the right thing, but it will risk the few weeks that I have with her and who knows if and when I'm going to see her again. It will not only hurt her a lot, but it will only intensify the trust issues she currently has. And if I should tell her, should it be in person when she's back?

Help me!

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    mightyspacepopemightyspacepope Registered User regular
    My advice would be to keep it to yourself. In all honesty, it sounds as if the two of you don't have a future together, and I don't see any positive aspects to confessing to what happened.

    Take it as a lesson learned.

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    WheatBun01WheatBun01 Face It, Tiger Registered User regular
    28 isn't that young, and certainly not too young to try a long distance relationship if you genuinely think it might work and there's hope for a future together.

    If you think there is a future there, you should tell her. If you don't, well, it sounds like it's going to be over in a few weeks anyway.

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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    edited August 2015
    No, don't tell her, even if you want a future together. You just made a mistake. There are mistakes in life we share with other people, and mistakes that are only for you, and never the two shall meet.



    Nbsp on
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    LostNinjaLostNinja Registered User regular
    WheatBun01 wrote: »
    28 isn't that young, and certainly not too young to try a long distance relationship if you genuinely think it might work and there's hope for a future together.

    If you think there is a future there, you should tell her. If you don't, well, it sounds like it's going to be over in a few weeks anyway.

    As a 28yr old, ouch...

    But seriously I agree with this. If it is definitely over in a few weeks you can keep it quiet, but if you have any hope of there being a future with her, you need to tell her. It will suck, but carrying on a relationship with someone and hiding this from them is incredibly shitty.

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    Behind.the.curtainsBehind.the.curtains Registered User new member
    it's just a kiss.. shes leaving in a few weeks.. dont tell her! you were drunk, you made a mistake! you didnt mean it.. i would never tell her. especially if youre never gonna see her again after this. but even if you do, its just gonna hurt her.. and you didnt mean to. you didnt do it sober.

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    BurnageBurnage Registered User regular
    If you want to be with her for the long term, you should tell her. It will absolutely suck to do so, but it'll hurt her far less than if she somehow finds out about it from somebody else while she's halfway across the world.

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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    As long as the social circles didn't overlap, the chances of her finding out are basically zero.

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    mightyspacepopemightyspacepope Registered User regular
    Although it might seem the noble thing to do, I don't really see the benefit of doing this other than alleviating his guilty conscience.

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    BurnageBurnage Registered User regular
    Nbsp wrote: »
    As long as the social circles didn't overlap, the chances of her finding out are basically zero.

    In a world where Facebook exists that's a pretty big "if".

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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    Burnage wrote: »
    Nbsp wrote: »
    As long as the social circles didn't overlap, the chances of her finding out are basically zero.

    In a world where Facebook exists that's a pretty big "if".

    Only slightly bigger, but still unlikely. He's safe. Unless the other girl has a grudge and wants to try to ruin his relationship, but it doesn't sound like that's what happened.

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    Grunt's GhostsGrunt's Ghosts Registered User regular
    Back when I wore a younger man's clothes I had a girlfriend who moved to Washington State for college while I was living in Boston. While we talked on the phone, the relationship was falling apart. We both knew it but we didn't have to guts to call it quits just yet. I met another girl during this time and we hung out alot. Some point we slept together even though I had a girlfriend. I never told and it did bug me for awhile but after the relationship ended a month later, I moved on, the guilt left and I learned I don't have the ability to really cheat. I still haven't told my ex about it as we haven't talked in years and even though I'll admit it was wrong in cheating, it's a lesson that I should end things when the time comes instead of dragging out the inevitable. The gentlemen thing is to tell but honestly, let her last memories be good ones. She's got enough emotions brewing from the move and future, telling is just going to add stuff to her plate she doesn't need.

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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    it's not a big deal in the grand scheme either way, but if you feel that guilty about it you should tell her

    would you rather spend the next three weeks feeling bad about it, or just get it off your chest?

    NREqxl5.jpg
    it was the smallest on the list but
    Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
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    lalalaneedadvicelalalaneedadvice Registered User new member
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

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    LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited August 2015
    Really, you dated for three months with the idea that it wouldn't last.

    You really need to have the future talk with her because it sounds like you have a lot more feelings than she might or at least different expectations, and the kissing sounds like a pretext to talk about the real issue. So talk about the real issue because I think you're freaking out because she's leaving and it's ending, not because of a drunken kiss.

    Lilnoobs on
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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

    Listen

    If you tell her it's a selfish thing, the only thing you have in mind right is quieting your guilty conscience

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    NoquarNoquar Registered User regular
    Usagi wrote: »
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

    Listen

    If you tell her it's a selfish thing, the only thing you have in mind right is quieting your guilty conscience

    Yeah - maybe. But the OP also stated they "effing love her". OP can clear the air and admit to lacking some impulse control and take ownership of their mistake and the girl can decide if it's worth moving forward - should they decide a LD relationship is in the cards. Transparency and truth hurt and no one is denying that. I think she deserves to know.

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    DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    Noquar wrote: »
    Usagi wrote: »
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

    Listen

    If you tell her it's a selfish thing, the only thing you have in mind right is quieting your guilty conscience

    Yeah - maybe. But the OP also stated they "effing love her". OP can clear the air and admit to lacking some impulse control and take ownership of their mistake and the girl can decide if it's worth moving forward - should they decide a LD relationship is in the cards. Transparency and truth hurt and no one is denying that. I think she deserves to know.

    If OP didn't write off the possibility of a long distance relationship in the OP I might agree. As they clearly have the underlying assumption that this ends in three weeks time telling her is only to make him feel like a good guy by inflicting emotional pain on her. There is no long term relationship health to consider.

    Nod. Get treat. PSN: Quippish
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    ShivahnShivahn Unaware of her barrel shifter privilege Western coastal temptressRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

    If the relationship was three months old (and we had the expectation of monogamy)?

    This actually happened to me! The relevant questions:

    Did I forgive? Yes

    Did I also break up with him? Yes

    I think Usagi and DevoutlyApathetic have the right of it though, at this point, if everything's ending anyway, it appears less "I need to tell her to make things better for her" and more "I need to tell things to make things better for me." I'm not a fan of totally ignoring one's own needs... but I'm also not a fan of hurting people to fix situations that one has precipitated themselves, if they can somehow end it with the only pain being their own.

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    spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited August 2015
    Don't tell her.

    Do break up with her now. Don't try a long distance thing, just break it off, go through the heartache, and then move on with your life. Getting drunk is no excuse - kissing someone was not a just "mistake", it was a subconscious indicator of a) how you actually feel, and b) how you will eventually behave in a long distance relationship.

    You are already moving on, and the pain you're feeling is the cognitive dissonance between what you want the world to be, and what it is. You don't have a significant other dude, you have someone who is moving away that you need to cut loose without also damaging her in the course of resolving your cognitive dissonance.

    It sucks to be feeling love for someone you can never be with, but that is part of life. :(

    Break up with her.

    spool32 on
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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    Don't break up, that's ridiculous. Just see the relationship to it's final conclusion.

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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Noquar wrote: »
    Usagi wrote: »
    I'm leaning towards telling her, just to do the right thing - and not ruin any chance I might have with her in the future (if at all).

    So, would you guys forgive your significant other if they made a drunken mistake of kissing another person..Everyone says "its just a kiss" but obviously when it comes to forgiving and moving on, its easier said than done.

    Listen

    If you tell her it's a selfish thing, the only thing you have in mind right is quieting your guilty conscience

    Yeah - maybe. But the OP also stated they "effing love her". OP can clear the air and admit to lacking some impulse control and take ownership of their mistake and the girl can decide if it's worth moving forward - should they decide a LD relationship is in the cards. Transparency and truth hurt and no one is denying that. I think she deserves to know.

    Why?

    On what plane of existence is knowing this fact going to improve her life in any way whatsoever?

    I am all for disclosing fluid swapping if there's a risk of STD transmission, because that's just good fucking practice, but he smooched on someone and now wants to relieve the burden of his guilt without consequence for her feelings.

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    NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    edited August 2015
    As somebody who had trust issues for many years, I'm going to go against popular opinion here (apparently) and say that personally, I would want to know.

    Having your feelings hurt sucks, but to me knowing the truth (and not having it hidden from me) is INCREDIBLY important. Hiding that fact would actually be much worse to me regarding my trust issues, than hearing it outright would be (the difference between a guy hiding something from me and owning up to the mistakes he made). Relationships are built on trust, and I feel like it's an absolutely awful thing to do to not tell your SO that you fucked up. To me, that's the most selfish thing, and is much much worse than telling a hard truth. It's lying through omission.

    If you don't tell her, you're making the choice to leave her out of this decision on "what to do with the relationship". I find that the more selfish option by a long shot. You screwed up (kissing is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things for sure, but it's obviously still not a great thing to have done), and now the two of you should have an open and honest conversation where she can be part of the decision. A trusting relationship takes two people being truthful, not one.

    You're both pretty early on in your relationship, so maybe things don't feel very serious to you yet...but you should figure out why you felt the need to kiss that girl, and why you thought it was okay at the time (yes, you were drunk, but I can completely trust my drunk boyfriend to go out and party, and not have to worry about him kissing other girls. Furthermore, even if he did, he wouldn't hide that from me, and while it would suck for the moment, in the end I'd feel good that he owned up to it, at least. We've been together for a few years though, and if it was just kissing I'd probably just forgive him and move on, after talking it over with him). Comparing that to the guys in my past who would hide it from me, and when I found out would argue about it with me....THOSE are the guys that gave me trust issues.

    I would tell her, be open about everything, but don't expect her to continue the relationship. To be honest, maybe this isn't the best relationship for her anyway - and maybe you need to take some time to figure out why you ended up kissing that other girl (and maybe how to avoid that in the future). There's also the chance, of course, that she'll work it out with you, but you should be open to whatever decision she makes, and don't push her.

    NightDragon on
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    spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    As somebody who had trust issues for many years, I'm going to go against popular opinion here (apparently) and say that personally, I would want to know.

    Having your feelings hurt sucks, but to me knowing the truth (and not having it hidden from me) is INCREDIBLY important. Hiding that fact would actually be much worse to me regarding my trust issues, than hearing it outright would be (the difference between a guy hiding something from me and owning up to the mistakes he made). Relationships are built on trust, and I feel like it's an absolutely awful thing to do to not tell your SO that you fucked up. To me, that's the most selfish thing, and is much much worse than telling a hard truth. It's lying through omission.

    If you don't tell her, you're making the choice to leave her out of this decision on "what to do with the relationship". I find that the more selfish option by a long shot. You screwed up (kissing is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things for sure, but it's obviously still not a great thing to have done), and now the two of you should have an open and honest conversation where she can be part of the decision. A trusting relationship takes two people being truthful, not one.

    You're both pretty early on in your relationship, so maybe things don't feel very serious to you yet...but you should figure out why you felt the need to kiss that girl, and why you thought it was okay at the time (yes, you were drunk, but I can completely trust my drunk boyfriend to go out and party, and not have to worry about him kissing other girls. Furthermore, even if he did, he wouldn't hide that from me, and while it would suck for the moment, in the end I'd feel good that he owned up to it, at least. We've been together for a few years though, and if it was just kissing I'd probably just forgive him and move on, after talking it over with him). Comparing that to the guys in my past who would hide it from me, and when I found out would argue about it with me....THOSE are the guys that gave me trust issues.

    I would tell her, be open about everything, but don't expect her to continue the relationship. To be honest, maybe this isn't the best relationship for her anyway - and maybe you need to take some time to figure out why you ended up kissing that other girl (and maybe how to avoid that in the future). There's also the chance, of course, that she'll work it out with you, but you should be open to whatever decision she makes, and don't push her.

    There is no relationship. The OP's girlfriend is leaving forever. It's over.

    She will never have trust issues from this if he doesn't tell, because she will never see him again and their "relationship" has an unavoidable expiration time measured in weeks. She'll never find out.

    Especially if he breaks it off now.

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    spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Nbsp wrote: »
    Don't break up, that's ridiculous. Just see the relationship to it's final conclusion.

    ?!

    The relationship has concluded. He knows she's leaving, knows he cannot follow, knows she doesn't want an LDR, and then he screwed around on her. The thing to do now is face reality and get started with the process of moving on.

    It sucks, but it's also the shape of things for this OP. If you know you're going to have to do something unpleasant, you might as well get started now.

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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    edited August 2015
    spool32 wrote: »
    Nbsp wrote: »
    Don't break up, that's ridiculous. Just see the relationship to it's final conclusion.

    ?!

    The relationship has concluded. He knows she's leaving, knows he cannot follow, knows she doesn't want an LDR, and then he screwed around on her. The thing to do now is face reality and get started with the process of moving on.

    It sucks, but it's also the shape of things for this OP. If you know you're going to have to do something unpleasant, you might as well get started now.

    No, he doesn't have to do anything. There is no forcing function here. Just because a relationship is ending doesn't mean it's time to spill all the deep dark secrets you held.

    Nbsp on
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    NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    snip

    There is no relationship. The OP's girlfriend is leaving forever. It's over.

    She will never have trust issues from this if he doesn't tell, because she will never see him again and their "relationship" has an unavoidable expiration time measured in weeks. She'll never find out.

    Especially if he breaks it off now.

    My post was in regards to the fact that OP stated that they hadn't had a conversation about this yet...which suggested they might try to work things out. It also seems like the OP wants to avoid telling her so he gets to enjoy her company for the remaining few weeks. The other pieces, though valid, seem more like bargaining to avoid having to tell her ("it'll make her trust issues worse").

    In my view, I'm less concerned with her "finding out" and more concerned about what I feel is the right thing to do in this situation, which is what the OP is asking for advice on. In this case, you and I disagree. This is not a cut and dry situation, everybody is different...some people would WANT to know, and others wouldn't want to know. I'm speaking from a position as somebody who would want to know.

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    Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    Nbsp wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    Nbsp wrote: »
    Don't break up, that's ridiculous. Just see the relationship to it's final conclusion.

    ?!

    The relationship has concluded. He knows she's leaving, knows he cannot follow, knows she doesn't want an LDR, and then he screwed around on her. The thing to do now is face reality and get started with the process of moving on.

    It sucks, but it's also the shape of things for this OP. If you know you're going to have to do something unpleasant, you might as well get started now.

    No, he doesn't have to do anything. There is no forcing function here. Just because a relationship is ending doesn't mean it's time to spill all the deep dark secrets you held.

    I think you're missing the point here. The advice was to actively end the relationship rather than just let it eventually fizzle out. That doesn't mean that he needs to say anything about what he did. He could just say, "I don't see this relationship lasting in the long term, and I think it's better if we stop seeing each other now rather than drag it out."

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    NbspNbsp she laughs, like God her mind's like a diamondRegistered User regular
    Nbsp wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    Nbsp wrote: »
    Don't break up, that's ridiculous. Just see the relationship to it's final conclusion.

    ?!

    The relationship has concluded. He knows she's leaving, knows he cannot follow, knows she doesn't want an LDR, and then he screwed around on her. The thing to do now is face reality and get started with the process of moving on.

    It sucks, but it's also the shape of things for this OP. If you know you're going to have to do something unpleasant, you might as well get started now.

    No, he doesn't have to do anything. There is no forcing function here. Just because a relationship is ending doesn't mean it's time to spill all the deep dark secrets you held.

    I think you're missing the point here. The advice was to actively end the relationship rather than just let it eventually fizzle out. That doesn't mean that he needs to say anything about what he did. He could just say, "I don't see this relationship lasting in the long term, and I think it's better if we stop seeing each other now rather than drag it out."

    A relationship isn't great because it lasts forever.

    If both parties are unhappy, and no longer enjoy each other's company, then by all means break up and get the fuck out of each other's lives. That's not what it sounds like here.

    You do not need to end a relationship immediately the moment you realize you're never going to marry someone and have a family with them and be with them forever and ever. If you know the world is ending you don't need to pull out a gun and just kill yourself, wait it out and experience the end until you can't take it anymore.

    Sometimes the best relationships you have are like graffiti.

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    davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2015
    Or you can torture yourself and your partner until you can't see each other anymore out the window of the airplane. It's all based on perspective and personal experience. If I found myself in this situation, as described, I would tend toward ending it now on as good as terms as possible, "let's just be friends" style.

    There's a greater than zero chance she has had opportunity during your time apart to be in the same situation as you found yourself in, OP. If she has, do you want to know? Or would you rather have her come to you as a friend to end the romantic portion of the relationship?

    To me, the answer is obvious. But that's for ME, not YOU. You really need to take it all in, decide what's best for yourself and just do it. I'd urge discretion and friendliness. Honesty if she requests it, feel free to demand the same of her while trusting whatever answers she may give.

    davidsdurions on
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    lalalaneedadvicelalalaneedadvice Registered User new member
    thanks guys. i appreciate the comments.

    as for people asking i need to soul search and figure out why this happened - deep down i know it happened because she's leaving. which sucks, i would love for her to stay but it is what it is i guess

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    KruiteKruite Registered User regular
    If she finds out or asks, admit it. Otherwise just let that sleeping dog lie.

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    DonkaiserDonkaiser Registered User new member
    HI!

    Lets just say i'll give you a choice
    Tell it - prepare for the consequences
    not to tell - prepare to keep it and be haunted by it.

    Just choose one you can.

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Donkaiser wrote: »
    HI!

    Lets just say i'll give you a choice
    Tell it - prepare for the consequences
    not to tell - prepare to keep it and be haunted by it.

    Just choose one you can.

    Impossible to not read that last line in Yoda's voice.

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    CaedwyrCaedwyr Registered User regular
    ae5g43ydnai5.jpg
    ?

    For the OP, in this situation telling your ex-girlfriend sounds like the more selfish choice. In your shoes, I would express how much you had enjoyed spending time with her, that she is a great person, and wish her all the best in her move and future and my hope that she finds the person she deserves once her life settles down.

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited August 2015
    If you didn't know the relationship was already going to end, and planned to be in a serious relationship with her going forward, then the answer would be obvious: ABSOLUTELY F****ING TELL HER.

    The fact that the relationship already basically has an expiration date complicates things a little.

    --The fact that you both know it's ending anyway seems to argue that it shouldn't matter to her.
    --But you HAVE had a (presumably) mostly good relationship up until now, and the sanctity of the good thing you have had together kinda makes it matter.

    --Telling her is the morally right thing to do in terms of taking responsibility for your actions. That is a thing you did that you should not have done, and it relates to her, so it is the considerate thing to do to tell her.
    --There is, of course, the counter-argument that since the relationship has an upcoming expiration date anyway, it may be better to just accept for yourself that it was a mistake and leave her with the memory of a good thing rather than spoiling it with something stupid right on the last page.

    I once dated a girl who made the same alcohol-based mistake. She called me immediately and told me what had happened and apologized. We were only a few weeks into the relationship, but I decided to forgive it that one time. And it wasn't a mistake, because we dated for a good long while after that without any other problems. (Later split for the same reasons you and your girl are splitting---relocation both ways.)

    What your actions will mean to her is hard for any of us to say. It sounds to me like it's ultimately a choice between which is more important to you: personal responsibility or preserving her good memory of the relationship.

    WordLust on
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