DEADLINE TO WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR RIVAL FOR HATE WEEK IS TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT PST. OTHERWISE I WILL WRITE MANY CURSE WORDS ABOUT YOU GUYS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE FACTUALLY ACCURATE.
ON AN UNRELATED NOTE THAT ISN'T BASED ON ME BEING UPSET THAT NONE OF THE MICHIGAN PEOPLE HAVE SUBMITTED ANYTHING, DID YOU KNOW MICHIGAN IS LATIN FOR "THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY'S BITCH"? PRETTY CRAZY.
In college football, the final regular season weekend is traditionally set aside for a rivalry game. Rivalries do not obey the typical rules of college football. They are, by their very nature, more of a tossup than a normal game. And how your team performs in the rivalry game can have yearlong consequences. Bad seasons can be salvaged with a win over a rival, while good season can be ruined by your most hated enemy. Nothing your team has done before this moment matter anymore. This is Hate Week.
Straight-Up (Spread in parenthesis courtesy of ESPN)
Iowa (-1.5) @ Nebraska - I don't want to do this to you Nebraska. You all were amazing people to UCLA, especially in how you treated us the week after one of our players died in a car accident. So believe me when I say that this hurts me almost as much as it hurts you. But I need you to lose. I need you to lose horribly. Iowa is our nation's greatest hope for the dumbest national championship, and we just can't have you ruining it. Go Hawkeyes. Eat at Arbys.
Baylor (-1.5) @ Texas Christian - Congratulations Baylor and TCU! You both found a way to get eliminated from the playoffs before playing in this game. The saddest part is how often both schools will claim the other isn't their rival. It's like a sad version of Texas/A&M, except both teams have an understanding of how to win a football game in the year 2015. And unlike Texas and A&M, these two schools are actually relevant nationally right now. Texas, you know what you did to deserve this, and I can't wait to see Les Miles coaching you next year.
Ohio State @ Michigan (-1.5) - From noted Michigan Man and twin, Butler For Life #1:
Ah, Ohio State. The buckeyes. The best the great state of Ohio has to offer. Really, I have nothing bad to say about our honorable rivals. I wish I could find something to insult them over, but they're just too good. They have a superb coach, who always executes a brilliant gameplan. You might THINK that refusing to give the ball to your Heisman contender RB in a crucial game is dumb, but you're not as smart as Urban Meyer. And everyone knows that Meyer is a gentleman beyond reproach. Lots of coaches make sure their players are accountable for their actions, but the culture of trust at OSU is so great that the players even call out the coaches when they see "lack of effort"- a clear sign of a well functioning, unified team if there ever was one. After all, if Meyer is known for one thing, it's disciplining his players.
And what players they have! They have so many great QBs that they just can't decide which one to use. most coaches couldn't manage that situation properly, but Urban, who is way, way better and smarter than your team's coach, came up with a beautiful 2 QB system that produced wins over great teams such as Indiana and Hawaii!
Even their marching band is great. So many great traditions! Script Ohio, Hang on Sloopy. I mean, there was that whole thing about them singing incredibly insensitive, hateful songs for fun, but hey look over there, they're dotting the I!
So yeah, I have nothing bad to say about OSU. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some homework to do- I came to play school, after all!
Yes yes, that is some good hate, BFL.
Indiana (-7) @ Purdue - The Battle for 3rd Best College in Indiana, behind Notre Dame and Ohio State (you try telling me they haven't snuck a satellite campus over here and aren't planning a spring game in Indianapolis for 2017). Indiana is fun, and Purdue makes me want to put my head through a wall, and that's all I want to write about this.
Louisville (-4) @ Kentucky - Both these schools would rather be playing basketball. Well, except for Bobby Petrino. He's always been more of a motorsports kind of guy.
Brigham Young (-3) @ Utah State - Fuck BYU. Seriously, fuck these assholes. Bunch of mid 20s shitheads that hide behind their religion and say they play football the right way while tackling your knees repeatedly until your ACL is gone. At least Notre Dame has the decency to not play dirty. Congrats Notre Dame! Finally a private religious school that puts you to shame! Also is Chuckie Keaton still around? I assume he's broken at least 12 bones already.
Northwestern (-3.5) vs. Illinois - Oh Illinois. How you manage to continually suck is beyond me. Wait, no it's not, because you're in the middle of fucking nowhere, Illinois. At least Northwestern has the decency to be in Chicago, where you might get lucky and a non-Chicago team will show up to make you remember what good things look like. Also I feel like we don't talk about how awful Pat Fitzgerald is, because he's at Northwestern and if you've thought about Northwestern for longer than 5 seconds then you've already lost. Darren Rovell being an alum is reason enough to hate these dicks.
Wisconsin (-2.5) @ Minnesota - I like you, Minnesota. Your commitment to upholding the most Minnesota of traditions - being average at best in sports - is admirable. Also Jerry Kill was a nice guy. Meanwhile I have to give credit to the coaching job Barry Alvarez has done this year. Really got Wisconsin over that early loss to Alabama to have a decent season.
UCLA @ Southern California (-3.5) - Let me tell you a story about USC's first mascot. No, not that dumb horse. Fuck that horse. No, I'm talking about George Tirebiter. George was the unofficial, then official, mascot of USC from 1947 to 1950. George was a stray dog known for chasing after cars, and because USC students are easily entertained, he became a popular fixture on campus. Sadly, George died in 1950 because, in the same way that Icarus flew too close to the sun, George could not stop chasing cars and was eventually run over by one. And, because the driver was obviously from USC, the driver's first instinct was to back up over what he had just run over. Can't have witnesses, after all. That was something OJ knew.
Why do I tell you this heartwarming story? Because I need you to understand how deep-seated the hatred that comes next is.
FUCK THAT DOG, AND FUCK USC. YOU DIPSHITS FUCKING WORSHIP A DUMB DOG, AND THEN BUILT A STATUE TO HONOR THAT DOG'S NOBLE SACRIFICE. AND THEN ONCE AN ADULT REALIZED YOU COULDN'T HANDLE OWNING A DOG, THEY GAVE YOU THE WORLD'S DUMBEST HORSE. YOU ALL NOW WORSHIP A CREATURE THAT SPENDS THE ENTIRETY OF THE GAME TAKING A SHIT ON YOUR FIELD, WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE USC FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS. COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO THE AMOUNT OF TIME JIM MORA HAS BEEN AT UCLA. CRAZY HOW HIRING AN ACTUALLY COMPETENT COACH HAS REVEALED JUST HOW FUCKING AWFUL YOUR TEAM REALLY IS. THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART OF THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE PART WHERE YOU HIRED BOB CONNELLY TO BE YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE COACH. BOB WAS THE WORST OLINE COACH IN UCLA HISTORY, AND LASTED ALL OF ONE YEAR, BUT YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS THOUGHT THAT HE WAS THE MISSING PIECE, AND ARE NOW SHOCKED AT HOW BAD THE LINE IS NOW. IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU IDIOTS BELIEVE THINGS WILL MAGICALLY WORK ITSELF OUT BECAUSE GOD LOOKED DOWN UPON THE EARTH AND DEEMED YOU TO BE THE CHOSEN PROGRAM. FUCK USC.
THE BEST PART WILL BE WHEN NEW ALABAMA HEAD COACH LANE KIFFIN KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR TEAM LED BY FUCKING JEFF FISHER TO START 2016.
Mississippi (-1) @ Mississippi State - The Egg Bowl! I.....I don't know why they call it that? Should have called it the Literacy Bowl, and the losing team is forced to read Goodnight Moon. The amount of time that will take should really eat into recruiting. Actually, I don't know why I typed any of this out. These fucks can't read it anyway. Maybe a picture will help.
Notre Dame @ Stanford (-3.5) - Wow, I don't know which team I hate more! I'd say I'd love for a meteor to take out both fanbases, but that seems unfair to Notre Dame, since they actually have fans. Seriously, just watch how pro-Notre Dame this crowd will be on Saturday. Stanford has the worst fanbase in America and it's actively unfunny. I feel kind of bad even bringing it up. Fuck off, Stanford.
Against-the-Spread (spread in parenthesis courtesy of ESPN)
Missouri @ Arkansas (-14) - Missouri has spent the last year proving its SEC bonafides by a) being super racist, and b) proving that football trumps everything else by having every leader immediately capitulate the minute the football team threatened to strike. Meanwhile, Arkansas has done its best low-rent Alabama impression by losing to a team from Ohio and then getting manhandled by a spread team. This is also now a rivalry game because I guess just making Missouri and Texas A&M, two teams with previous history, play each other this weekend was too difficult. BRING BACK THE GOLDEN BOOT FOR HATE WEEK!
Oregon State @ Oregon (-34.5) - The Civil War! This rivalry name is super misleading; they should have called it "Big Brother Deigns to Honor Little Brother with its Presence". It's honestly sad. I feel sad for you, Oregon State. Uncle Phil has literally been giving you hand-me-downs for years now. Also, because we didn't put the Apple Cup in here because, much like the rest of the country, we too forgot Washington existed, I'll use this opportunity to mention that knitdan believes Husky Fever to be a venereal disease. I don't know, it sounds kind of cute and fuzzy while being ultimately toothless to me.
Clemson (-17.5) @ South Carolina - Gonna be honest here: the Ole Ball Coach totally skipped town early to save himself the embarrassment of losing two games in a row to a man named Dabo. Can't blame him for the pragmatism. Also can't wait for that Clemson/Iowa NCG.
Georgia (-5) @ Georgia Tech - ASimPerson chimes in with the most Georgia Tech response imaginable. I had to spoil it because there are SO MANY WORDS.
In July 2003, my Mom and I drove to Atlanta so I could attend my freshman orientation at Georgia Tech. One of the segments therein was about athletics. The most important bits are the fight songs and The Good Word. It's a call-and-response thing that goes like this:
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"HOW ABOUT THEM 'DAWGS'?"
"PISS ON 'EM!"
Being from Alabama, I didn't know much about Georgia Tech athletics before I arrived on campus. I liked college football then (I've been doing bowl predictions since 1999), but the primary reason I chose GT was for academics. A decent athletics program was a nice bonus.* Then, at my first college football game, we upset Auburn, rushed the field, and tore down the goalposts. So that solidified that.
Anyway, the important thing is that UGA is Tech's only real rival. We have a rivalry of sorts with Clemson, with them being our closest ACC foe, and historical rivalries dating from Tech's SEC days with Auburn and Tennessee that are now dormant. But the fight songs don't mention any of those guys:
If I had a son sir, I'd tell you what he'd do
He would yell "To Hell With Georgia!" like his daddy used to do
- I'm a Ramblin' Wreck From Georgia Tech
Oh well it's...
Up with the White and Gold
Down with the Red and Black
Georgia Tech is out for the victory!
We'll drop our battle-axe on Georgia's head
When we meet her our team is sure to beat her!
Down on the farm there'll be no sound
'till our bow-wows rip through the air
And after the battle, Georgia's team will be found
With the Yellow Jackets swarming 'round!
- Up With the White and Gold
So yeah, we've been accused of being obsessed on occasion.
Tech fans generally consider UGA fans to be rednecks and UGA itself to be of dubious academic quality. (They mostly consider us nerds.) There are more UGA alumni in the state of Georgia than there are living Georgia Tech alumni worldwide. This leads to fun things even at the political level, since guess what, UGA produces a lot more politicians than we do. During the recession I remember there being a fair bit of consternation about UGA wanting to establish an engineering program, which was seen as a shot across the bow for Tech. (GT and UGA have the same board of regents.) If you're actually a Tech fan in Georgia, it is likely you are surrounded by a sea of red-and-black drones, because in addition to the alumni advantage UGA has a larger mass appeal within the state. After all, what's more relatable if you're not from the bright lights of Atlanta and an alum of neither: the stuck-up nerds or the everyman "git 'r done/damn good dog" guys from Athens? And then there's the next bit:
Tech is 43-61-5 all-time against Georgia. However, this record reflects Tech's early dominance in the series and our stature as a national power in the 20's, 40's, and 50's. After Tech left the SEC in 1965, we're 13-37. After I became a student in 2003, we've won twice. Suffice it to say, victory is rare. We will be massive underdogs Saturday.
But hey, the last time we beat them multiple years in a row (1998-2000), we got their coach fired. So if you really want Mark Richt to get canned, there's a motivation.
So here's why you should root for us Saturday. We're the underdogs. As a top research institution, we're doing more to make the world a better place. We stand for advancement and progression, not backwardness, corruption, and inbred mascots.
In summary: To Hell With Georgia.
*: In all honesty, it's worked out pretty well for me. My backup schools were Virginia Tech and UAH.
Virginia Tech (-3.5) @ Virginia - Why? No seriously, I'm 2/3 of the way through this dumb thing, and now I have to write about Virginia Tech and Virginia? Why? Like, at least Virginia Tech has been good "somewhat" recently, and with Beamer retiring they're the feel-good story. Also Mike London will totally still be around next year because I guess Virginia football did a deal with the devil at some point in their history, and this is his version of cashing in on that deal.
Alabama (-13.5) @ Auburn - From Munkus Beaver:
Auburn, the school that gave us the nefarious Charles Barkley who performed the devastating Chaos Dunk which destroyed Neo-New York and has left us scrounging for our last neo-sheckels. Now B-ball is outlawed...but at least we have football! It took an order from the fucking governor for our two schools to start playing again after a disastrous game that ended in riots and fights and chaos. Presidents from the two schools buried a literal hatchet in Birmingham where the Iron Bowl was played for over half a century, until the cow college got upset and ruined one of the greatest neutral site rivalries by making it a 'home and home' where they played a game in Auburn and Bama played a game in Legion Field. A few years later, Bama stopped played in Legion Field altogether and the Iron Bowl is now a true home and home, no longer a split field of colors in constant chaos, but either a glorious field of crimson or a cheating field of orange. A field that loves tradition and fair play, or a field that loves cheaters and scammers. A team that wins championships, or the only SEC team to lose in the BCS national championship.
So that cow college to the east does one thing well: churn out good cow shit.
See, I would have just copy and pasted this real-life HAS quote, but Bama gotta Bama I guess.
In response to an Auburn dorm fire that burned books… “but the real tragedy was that fifteen hadn’t been colored yet.”
North Carolina (-6.5) @ North Carolina State - HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE TO SOUTH CAROLINA?!? HOWWWWWWWWWWWW?
Kansas State (-20) @ Kansas - Nah.
Vanderbilt @ Tennessee (-16.5) - This is like some kind of sad rivalry that the rest of the SEC made Tennessee have. In my head, this was the result of most of the SEC being sick of Phil Fulmer's shit, and then making him have pretend feelings about Vanderbilt as punishment. Or maybe Vandy is being punished by being forced to interact with a bunch of simpletons. No wait, that's just every week in the SEC. My apologies, Vanderbilt.
Florida State (-2) @ Florida - This has always felt like a weird rivalry to me and I don't know why. I think it's because both schools actively hate another school more (Georgia for Florida, Miami for FSU.....ok and Florida also), but feel obligated to play each other. Which, fine, but at least admit that both of you hate Miami more than each other. It's ok. New Miami head coach Charlie Strong won't mind, and would actually prefer it that way.
Texas A&M @ Louisiana State (-5.5) - Here's my favorite moment in this rivalry. In 2007, LSU played Texas A&M at the end of the season. A win would virtually guarantee a shot at the national championship for the Tigers, but the Aggies were unfazed. Led by star running back Darren McFadden, flanked by Peyton Hillis and Felix Jones, the Aggies pulled off an improbable upset in triple OT that seemingly knocked the Bayou Bengals out of playoff contention, until the rest of 2007 played out and the Tigers were able to win their first national title under Les Miles.
Oh, what's that? You say that it was Arkansas and not Texas A&M that upset their rivals? Did I write all that because THIS ISN'T A REAL RIVALRY AND GOD WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ARKANSAS/LSU FUCK OFF SEC.
GAME OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK (spread in parenthesis courtesy of ESPN) (STRAIGHT UP)
Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State (no line) - BEDLAM! ONE OF THESE TEAMS LOST TO TEXAS. I REFUSE TO TELL YOU WHICH ONE (HINT: IT WAS OKLAHOMA BECAUSE BOB STOOPS IS A GIVER). Seriously, though, both these teams are fighting over being the best college team in knock-off Texas. One of these athletic departments is even run by a crazy oil baron. It's amazing. Here's some real analysis: this game is a tossup because no one knows Baker Mayfield's status, and that could decide things. And here's some complete bullshit: Oklahoma wins and then gets left out of the playoff because THEY LOST TO TEXAS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Your comments on the LSU TA&M game is pretty spot on. The two teams didn't even play for like 20 years prior to the latter joining the SEC. Be really nice to give half a shit about this game now that the season is over.
Hah the committee really did not like Notre Dame's performance against Boston College apparently (and rightly so). Things appear to be shaping up finally, which can only mean that chaos will reign this weekend.
1) Defensive line depth was gone because of the injuries and they totally wore down.
2) Linebackers could not tackle Elliott period or Barrett in open space.
3) Offensive line talent is not there.
Self-righteousness is incompatible with coalition building.
Virginia Tech pulls out the win over Virginia, which should ensure that VT goes to a bowl game for the 23rd consecutive year. Nice way to send out Coach Beamer.
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Sparty looking good, then back to back scores on turnovers. Iowa should be a good game
Some days Blue wonders why anyone ever bothered making numbers so small; other days she supposes even infinity needs to start somewhere.
Oklahoma State just sucks? I mean good lord this is looking like the apple cup.
Oklahoma State is the mid-major team in a major conference. They'll dominate everybody worse than them and get pushed around by anybody with real talent.
Also, OU is their kryptonite. It's part of their school charter that they blow this game.
Posts
Hah!
That sucks.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Did someone say HATE WEEK? HOW ABOUT A RIVALRY OVER 120 YEARS OLD?
While enjoying the song, feel free to peruse this fine periodical's annual To Hell With Georgia edition.
Is Vegas expecting abother 6-4?
Falk might play? I can't think this is anything but dangerous.
pleasepaypreacher.net
122 years old? Boy, it would be a shame for someone to talk about a rivalry that's 125 years old.
He also said he'd make the decision "27 seconds before kickoff."
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
In college football, the final regular season weekend is traditionally set aside for a rivalry game. Rivalries do not obey the typical rules of college football. They are, by their very nature, more of a tossup than a normal game. And how your team performs in the rivalry game can have yearlong consequences. Bad seasons can be salvaged with a win over a rival, while good season can be ruined by your most hated enemy. Nothing your team has done before this moment matter anymore. This is Hate Week.
Straight-Up (Spread in parenthesis courtesy of ESPN)
Iowa (-1.5) @ Nebraska - I don't want to do this to you Nebraska. You all were amazing people to UCLA, especially in how you treated us the week after one of our players died in a car accident. So believe me when I say that this hurts me almost as much as it hurts you. But I need you to lose. I need you to lose horribly. Iowa is our nation's greatest hope for the dumbest national championship, and we just can't have you ruining it. Go Hawkeyes. Eat at Arbys.
Baylor (-1.5) @ Texas Christian - Congratulations Baylor and TCU! You both found a way to get eliminated from the playoffs before playing in this game. The saddest part is how often both schools will claim the other isn't their rival. It's like a sad version of Texas/A&M, except both teams have an understanding of how to win a football game in the year 2015. And unlike Texas and A&M, these two schools are actually relevant nationally right now. Texas, you know what you did to deserve this, and I can't wait to see Les Miles coaching you next year.
Ohio State @ Michigan (-1.5) - From noted Michigan Man and twin, Butler For Life #1:
Ah, Ohio State. The buckeyes. The best the great state of Ohio has to offer. Really, I have nothing bad to say about our honorable rivals. I wish I could find something to insult them over, but they're just too good. They have a superb coach, who always executes a brilliant gameplan. You might THINK that refusing to give the ball to your Heisman contender RB in a crucial game is dumb, but you're not as smart as Urban Meyer. And everyone knows that Meyer is a gentleman beyond reproach. Lots of coaches make sure their players are accountable for their actions, but the culture of trust at OSU is so great that the players even call out the coaches when they see "lack of effort"- a clear sign of a well functioning, unified team if there ever was one. After all, if Meyer is known for one thing, it's disciplining his players.
And what players they have! They have so many great QBs that they just can't decide which one to use. most coaches couldn't manage that situation properly, but Urban, who is way, way better and smarter than your team's coach, came up with a beautiful 2 QB system that produced wins over great teams such as Indiana and Hawaii!
Even their marching band is great. So many great traditions! Script Ohio, Hang on Sloopy. I mean, there was that whole thing about them singing incredibly insensitive, hateful songs for fun, but hey look over there, they're dotting the I!
So yeah, I have nothing bad to say about OSU. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some homework to do- I came to play school, after all!
Yes yes, that is some good hate, BFL.
Indiana (-7) @ Purdue - The Battle for 3rd Best College in Indiana, behind Notre Dame and Ohio State (you try telling me they haven't snuck a satellite campus over here and aren't planning a spring game in Indianapolis for 2017). Indiana is fun, and Purdue makes me want to put my head through a wall, and that's all I want to write about this.
Louisville (-4) @ Kentucky - Both these schools would rather be playing basketball. Well, except for Bobby Petrino. He's always been more of a motorsports kind of guy.
Brigham Young (-3) @ Utah State - Fuck BYU. Seriously, fuck these assholes. Bunch of mid 20s shitheads that hide behind their religion and say they play football the right way while tackling your knees repeatedly until your ACL is gone. At least Notre Dame has the decency to not play dirty. Congrats Notre Dame! Finally a private religious school that puts you to shame! Also is Chuckie Keaton still around? I assume he's broken at least 12 bones already.
Northwestern (-3.5) vs. Illinois - Oh Illinois. How you manage to continually suck is beyond me. Wait, no it's not, because you're in the middle of fucking nowhere, Illinois. At least Northwestern has the decency to be in Chicago, where you might get lucky and a non-Chicago team will show up to make you remember what good things look like. Also I feel like we don't talk about how awful Pat Fitzgerald is, because he's at Northwestern and if you've thought about Northwestern for longer than 5 seconds then you've already lost. Darren Rovell being an alum is reason enough to hate these dicks.
Wisconsin (-2.5) @ Minnesota - I like you, Minnesota. Your commitment to upholding the most Minnesota of traditions - being average at best in sports - is admirable. Also Jerry Kill was a nice guy. Meanwhile I have to give credit to the coaching job Barry Alvarez has done this year. Really got Wisconsin over that early loss to Alabama to have a decent season.
UCLA @ Southern California (-3.5) - Let me tell you a story about USC's first mascot. No, not that dumb horse. Fuck that horse. No, I'm talking about George Tirebiter. George was the unofficial, then official, mascot of USC from 1947 to 1950. George was a stray dog known for chasing after cars, and because USC students are easily entertained, he became a popular fixture on campus. Sadly, George died in 1950 because, in the same way that Icarus flew too close to the sun, George could not stop chasing cars and was eventually run over by one. And, because the driver was obviously from USC, the driver's first instinct was to back up over what he had just run over. Can't have witnesses, after all. That was something OJ knew.
Why do I tell you this heartwarming story? Because I need you to understand how deep-seated the hatred that comes next is.
FUCK THAT DOG, AND FUCK USC. YOU DIPSHITS FUCKING WORSHIP A DUMB DOG, AND THEN BUILT A STATUE TO HONOR THAT DOG'S NOBLE SACRIFICE. AND THEN ONCE AN ADULT REALIZED YOU COULDN'T HANDLE OWNING A DOG, THEY GAVE YOU THE WORLD'S DUMBEST HORSE. YOU ALL NOW WORSHIP A CREATURE THAT SPENDS THE ENTIRETY OF THE GAME TAKING A SHIT ON YOUR FIELD, WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE USC FOOTBALL TEAM HAS BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS. COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO THE AMOUNT OF TIME JIM MORA HAS BEEN AT UCLA. CRAZY HOW HIRING AN ACTUALLY COMPETENT COACH HAS REVEALED JUST HOW FUCKING AWFUL YOUR TEAM REALLY IS. THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART OF THIS YEAR HAS BEEN THE PART WHERE YOU HIRED BOB CONNELLY TO BE YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE COACH. BOB WAS THE WORST OLINE COACH IN UCLA HISTORY, AND LASTED ALL OF ONE YEAR, BUT YOU CHUCKLEFUCKS THOUGHT THAT HE WAS THE MISSING PIECE, AND ARE NOW SHOCKED AT HOW BAD THE LINE IS NOW. IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU IDIOTS BELIEVE THINGS WILL MAGICALLY WORK ITSELF OUT BECAUSE GOD LOOKED DOWN UPON THE EARTH AND DEEMED YOU TO BE THE CHOSEN PROGRAM. FUCK USC.
THE BEST PART WILL BE WHEN NEW ALABAMA HEAD COACH LANE KIFFIN KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR TEAM LED BY FUCKING JEFF FISHER TO START 2016.
Mississippi (-1) @ Mississippi State - The Egg Bowl! I.....I don't know why they call it that? Should have called it the Literacy Bowl, and the losing team is forced to read Goodnight Moon. The amount of time that will take should really eat into recruiting. Actually, I don't know why I typed any of this out. These fucks can't read it anyway. Maybe a picture will help.
Notre Dame @ Stanford (-3.5) - Wow, I don't know which team I hate more! I'd say I'd love for a meteor to take out both fanbases, but that seems unfair to Notre Dame, since they actually have fans. Seriously, just watch how pro-Notre Dame this crowd will be on Saturday. Stanford has the worst fanbase in America and it's actively unfunny. I feel kind of bad even bringing it up. Fuck off, Stanford.
3DS: 2981-5304-3227
Missouri @ Arkansas (-14) - Missouri has spent the last year proving its SEC bonafides by a) being super racist, and b) proving that football trumps everything else by having every leader immediately capitulate the minute the football team threatened to strike. Meanwhile, Arkansas has done its best low-rent Alabama impression by losing to a team from Ohio and then getting manhandled by a spread team. This is also now a rivalry game because I guess just making Missouri and Texas A&M, two teams with previous history, play each other this weekend was too difficult. BRING BACK THE GOLDEN BOOT FOR HATE WEEK!
Oregon State @ Oregon (-34.5) - The Civil War! This rivalry name is super misleading; they should have called it "Big Brother Deigns to Honor Little Brother with its Presence". It's honestly sad. I feel sad for you, Oregon State. Uncle Phil has literally been giving you hand-me-downs for years now. Also, because we didn't put the Apple Cup in here because, much like the rest of the country, we too forgot Washington existed, I'll use this opportunity to mention that knitdan believes Husky Fever to be a venereal disease. I don't know, it sounds kind of cute and fuzzy while being ultimately toothless to me.
Clemson (-17.5) @ South Carolina - Gonna be honest here: the Ole Ball Coach totally skipped town early to save himself the embarrassment of losing two games in a row to a man named Dabo. Can't blame him for the pragmatism. Also can't wait for that Clemson/Iowa NCG.
Georgia (-5) @ Georgia Tech - ASimPerson chimes in with the most Georgia Tech response imaginable. I had to spoil it because there are SO MANY WORDS.
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?"
"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!"
"HOW ABOUT THEM 'DAWGS'?"
"PISS ON 'EM!"
Being from Alabama, I didn't know much about Georgia Tech athletics before I arrived on campus. I liked college football then (I've been doing bowl predictions since 1999), but the primary reason I chose GT was for academics. A decent athletics program was a nice bonus.* Then, at my first college football game, we upset Auburn, rushed the field, and tore down the goalposts. So that solidified that.
Anyway, the important thing is that UGA is Tech's only real rival. We have a rivalry of sorts with Clemson, with them being our closest ACC foe, and historical rivalries dating from Tech's SEC days with Auburn and Tennessee that are now dormant. But the fight songs don't mention any of those guys:
So yeah, we've been accused of being obsessed on occasion.
Tech fans generally consider UGA fans to be rednecks and UGA itself to be of dubious academic quality. (They mostly consider us nerds.) There are more UGA alumni in the state of Georgia than there are living Georgia Tech alumni worldwide. This leads to fun things even at the political level, since guess what, UGA produces a lot more politicians than we do. During the recession I remember there being a fair bit of consternation about UGA wanting to establish an engineering program, which was seen as a shot across the bow for Tech. (GT and UGA have the same board of regents.) If you're actually a Tech fan in Georgia, it is likely you are surrounded by a sea of red-and-black drones, because in addition to the alumni advantage UGA has a larger mass appeal within the state. After all, what's more relatable if you're not from the bright lights of Atlanta and an alum of neither: the stuck-up nerds or the everyman "git 'r done/damn good dog" guys from Athens? And then there's the next bit:
Tech is 43-61-5 all-time against Georgia. However, this record reflects Tech's early dominance in the series and our stature as a national power in the 20's, 40's, and 50's. After Tech left the SEC in 1965, we're 13-37. After I became a student in 2003, we've won twice. Suffice it to say, victory is rare. We will be massive underdogs Saturday.
But hey, the last time we beat them multiple years in a row (1998-2000), we got their coach fired. So if you really want Mark Richt to get canned, there's a motivation.
So here's why you should root for us Saturday. We're the underdogs. As a top research institution, we're doing more to make the world a better place. We stand for advancement and progression, not backwardness, corruption, and inbred mascots.
In summary: To Hell With Georgia.
*: In all honesty, it's worked out pretty well for me. My backup schools were Virginia Tech and UAH.
Virginia Tech (-3.5) @ Virginia - Why? No seriously, I'm 2/3 of the way through this dumb thing, and now I have to write about Virginia Tech and Virginia? Why? Like, at least Virginia Tech has been good "somewhat" recently, and with Beamer retiring they're the feel-good story. Also Mike London will totally still be around next year because I guess Virginia football did a deal with the devil at some point in their history, and this is his version of cashing in on that deal.
Alabama (-13.5) @ Auburn - From Munkus Beaver:
Auburn, the school that gave us the nefarious Charles Barkley who performed the devastating Chaos Dunk which destroyed Neo-New York and has left us scrounging for our last neo-sheckels. Now B-ball is outlawed...but at least we have football! It took an order from the fucking governor for our two schools to start playing again after a disastrous game that ended in riots and fights and chaos. Presidents from the two schools buried a literal hatchet in Birmingham where the Iron Bowl was played for over half a century, until the cow college got upset and ruined one of the greatest neutral site rivalries by making it a 'home and home' where they played a game in Auburn and Bama played a game in Legion Field. A few years later, Bama stopped played in Legion Field altogether and the Iron Bowl is now a true home and home, no longer a split field of colors in constant chaos, but either a glorious field of crimson or a cheating field of orange. A field that loves tradition and fair play, or a field that loves cheaters and scammers. A team that wins championships, or the only SEC team to lose in the BCS national championship.
So that cow college to the east does one thing well: churn out good cow shit.
See, I would have just copy and pasted this real-life HAS quote, but Bama gotta Bama I guess.
North Carolina (-6.5) @ North Carolina State - HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE TO SOUTH CAROLINA?!? HOWWWWWWWWWWWW?
Kansas State (-20) @ Kansas - Nah.
Vanderbilt @ Tennessee (-16.5) - This is like some kind of sad rivalry that the rest of the SEC made Tennessee have. In my head, this was the result of most of the SEC being sick of Phil Fulmer's shit, and then making him have pretend feelings about Vanderbilt as punishment. Or maybe Vandy is being punished by being forced to interact with a bunch of simpletons. No wait, that's just every week in the SEC. My apologies, Vanderbilt.
Florida State (-2) @ Florida - This has always felt like a weird rivalry to me and I don't know why. I think it's because both schools actively hate another school more (Georgia for Florida, Miami for FSU.....ok and Florida also), but feel obligated to play each other. Which, fine, but at least admit that both of you hate Miami more than each other. It's ok. New Miami head coach Charlie Strong won't mind, and would actually prefer it that way.
Texas A&M @ Louisiana State (-5.5) - Here's my favorite moment in this rivalry. In 2007, LSU played Texas A&M at the end of the season. A win would virtually guarantee a shot at the national championship for the Tigers, but the Aggies were unfazed. Led by star running back Darren McFadden, flanked by Peyton Hillis and Felix Jones, the Aggies pulled off an improbable upset in triple OT that seemingly knocked the Bayou Bengals out of playoff contention, until the rest of 2007 played out and the Tigers were able to win their first national title under Les Miles.
Oh, what's that? You say that it was Arkansas and not Texas A&M that upset their rivals? Did I write all that because THIS ISN'T A REAL RIVALRY AND GOD WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ARKANSAS/LSU FUCK OFF SEC.
GAME OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK (spread in parenthesis courtesy of ESPN) (STRAIGHT UP)
Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State (no line) - BEDLAM! ONE OF THESE TEAMS LOST TO TEXAS. I REFUSE TO TELL YOU WHICH ONE (HINT: IT WAS OKLAHOMA BECAUSE BOB STOOPS IS A GIVER). Seriously, though, both these teams are fighting over being the best college team in knock-off Texas. One of these athletic departments is even run by a crazy oil baron. It's amazing. Here's some real analysis: this game is a tossup because no one knows Baker Mayfield's status, and that could decide things. And here's some complete bullshit: Oklahoma wins and then gets left out of the playoff because THEY LOST TO TEXAS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Go here to enter your choices: http://goo.gl/forms/RgjhzX39d2
3DS: 2981-5304-3227
If they didn't run the ball enough, and they didn't throw the ball enough...
Michigan beats Ohio State, Penn State beats Michigan State, Stanford beats ND, Oklahoma beats Oklahoma State, TCU beats Baylor, Alabama beats Florida, UCLA/USC winner beats Stanford, and Michigan beats Iowa.
PLAYOFFS, BABY!
And being Nebraska.
pleasepaypreacher.net
unable to protect a 21 point lead vs. oregon state
sigh
Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
Disappointing season and all... that game made it worth it. Living in Coug country just got a hell of a lot better.
pleasepaypreacher.net
You live in this scrub desert hell hole too? I'm...I'm sorry.
Since the only way to introduce any defense into the conference is to add heavy rainfall to the gameplan, it probably will last four hours.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
what hath Meyer wrought, that I'm rooting for Penn State
1) Defensive line depth was gone because of the injuries and they totally wore down.
2) Linebackers could not tackle Elliott period or Barrett in open space.
3) Offensive line talent is not there.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Oklahoma State is the mid-major team in a major conference. They'll dominate everybody worse than them and get pushed around by anybody with real talent.
Also, OU is their kryptonite. It's part of their school charter that they blow this game.