I'm a 35 year old father of four. I met my wife and our oldest child in 2001, when said child was 11 months old. There was a Social Services involvement, but ultimately we proved we were a solid family and she was eventually fully adopted. Between then and now we had a further three children; at present day the eldest is 14, the other children are 4, 6 and 7.
Today I'm a carer for my wife, who suffers with psychotic depression, hemiplegic migraines, stomach problems, contact dermatitis and fibromyalgia.
Issue in question
We noticed issues in the eldest from the age of 3, when she'd smear her faeces on the wall and think it was an awful lot of fun. Shortly after, while her mother was in hospital being treated for gall stone pain, she emptied a bag of flour into the kitchen sink at 3am and turned the taps on, causing a near flood of the downstairs. She deliberately raged at her mother and swore at her. We requested help from medical professionals but none was forthcoming. School at the time insisted she would catch up despite the fact that she was learning at an age several years beneath her. Only when we moved to a different borough was she correctly assessed as having learning difficulties and placed in a special needs branch of a local school, shortly followed by a special needs secondary school (age 11+).
Since then she has become vicious, underhanded and violent. She steals money and food when she can despite having meals and treats prepared for her. She becomes verbally aggressive when asked to do something she doesn't want to do (ie put something away), and violently aggressive when it's insisted upon. A year ago she absconded from the locally-funded transport from school. Around the same time, she ran away from school into a local town centre.
9 months ago she claimed that while she had run from school, she was raped. She later admitted this was just for attention.
7 months ago she claimed that her mother dragged her out of bed by her hair, and her mother was taken along with her by police to the local childrens hospital to check her over. No signs of abuse were found.
4 weeks ago she attacked me, and my wife called the police who restrained her as they saw her throw a dining table bench at me. She was released back into our care after a few hours of calming down at the home of a family friend. She apologised and all.
Just over week ago she flipped out and threatened to kill us. We calmed her down, and the following day (Saturday) I took her and her sister to see a movie, went shopping, had a family dinner, watched Dr Who, etc.
The Monday after she claimed that I had dragged her upstairs by her hair and that it wasn't safe to go home. She stayed with my mother for a few days before Social Services agreed that her claims had no grounds and she should be placed back in our care. The eldest kicked up a fuss about this, but eventually calmed down and came home.
We had another almost issue today. She kicked off at me because she wanted to go back to her dance club (which she told me she didn't want to go to any more) and I explained that I'd have to talk to the class instructor first. She teased and then threatened her younger siblings, threw things around the living room, punched me repeatedly and swore at everyone there. I held my temper and asked her how her day was. Her mum offered her a cup of tea and... well the rage melted away and she burst into tears.
We have the answers, to a degree, to handling our eldest's behavior now and that's all well and good for my wife. But when my day involves getting up at the crack of dawn, feeding our multitude of pets, washing clothes, dishes, ironing, cooking for kids, taking kids to school, walking pets, cleaning, mopping and shopping often before my wife gets out of bed, I'm not sure how much patience I can muster. I often feel like a single parent to a multitude of people and I honestly don't know how I'm to get out of this situation. I love my wife and I love my kids and I feel suffocated by the pressure of it.
TL:DR my life is not what I wanted and I don't know how to fix it.
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