If nothing else, it's kind of either saying "I've identified these flaws in myself, but am doing nothing about it" or "I don't really think this about myself, I'm just saying it because I think it'll make you like me."
I think self deprecation is fine, in the right situation.
But it really can't be in your profile, and it can't be a crutch for your comedy. Otherwise it just gets sad quick.
Yeah, self-deprecation in an introduction is an act of desperation. An assumption that you aren't interesting enough to get someone's attention, so you're going to beat them to the punch on the negative responses so they'll feel sympathetic. Except that's not at all how it actually works and in reality you're either being too lazy to figure out a way to actually be interesting, or else you actually can't think of any positive things to try and sell yourself on. And if that's the case, you're not in a good headspace for dating anyway.
My date on Saturday was a lot of fun, she was lovely (emergency chips were not necessary). As we've not talked much since I don't she's especially into me unfortunately, though hopefully it's because she's busy with doctor business/rationing her limited free time. Fingers crossed!
3DS: 2234-8122-8398 | Battle.net (EU): Ladi#2485
+2
Zen VulgarityWhat a lovely day for teaSecret British ThreadRegistered Userregular
I use self deprecation in conjunction with something that could be tense, making something some one else did as an example, in order for any possible tension of finding a mistake funny to be alleviated.
Such and someone stubbing their toe, poking fun at someone being clumsy, but then mentioning something you've done yourself in rapid succession like burning your hand from cooking. If I make fun of someone for something they did, I don't want to make anyone feel like I think I'm totally superior. Stupid stuff that happens to you is funny.
Speaking of self-veneration, last night I discovered that the only pair of pants that weren't in the wash had a giant gash in the seat (after I'd already been out shopping in them earlier in the day!!!) and I was planning to meet people in about 15 minutes. So I dug up an needle and thread and reached back 14 years to 8th grade Home Ec and I stitched that sucker up. And not only did I successfully stitch it, they even held together all night. So that's right, ladies, not only do I care enough about my appearance to not (knowingly) walk around with holes in my pants, I can successfully perform extremely rudimentary sewing tasks.
Speaking of self-veneration, last night I discovered that the only pair of pants that weren't in the wash had a giant gash in the seat (after I'd already been out shopping in them earlier in the day!!!) and I was planning to meet people in about 15 minutes. So I dug up an needle and thread and reached back 14 years to 8th grade Home Ec and I stitched that sucker up. And not only did I successfully stitch it, they even held together all night. So that's right, ladies, not only do I care enough about my appearance to not (knowingly) walk around with holes in my pants, I can successfully perform extremely rudimentary sewing tasks.
She did not. I don't know why I was expecting this to work out. I should've known better.
I think I'm going to deactivate all my dating profiles and write off romance for the foreseeable future. 2016 will not be my year, I feel.
Nooo don't do this! I mean, do it if you really don't want to date at all, but like, don't let crappy no-shows get you down. You're adorable! And fun! And who knows about this chick.
It's not just this chick, it's this chick plus 8 months of continuous failure to find someone who even comes close to holding a candle to my ex, nevermind somehow getting their attention and hoping they keep up consistent communication with me. The universe has spoken, and I must have the wisdom to realize the message it is sending: "Don't bother."
She did not. I don't know why I was expecting this to work out. I should've known better.
I think I'm going to deactivate all my dating profiles and write off romance for the foreseeable future. 2016 will not be my year, I feel.
Nooo don't do this! I mean, do it if you really don't want to date at all, but like, don't let crappy no-shows get you down. You're adorable! And fun! And who knows about this chick.
It's not just this chick, it's this chick plus 8 months of continuous failure to find someone who even comes close to holding a candle to my ex, nevermind somehow getting their attention and hoping they keep up consistent communication with me. The universe has spoken, and I must have the wisdom to realize the message it is sending: "Don't bother."
Seems pretty straightforward to me.
8 months?
Amateur.
We could really cheer this thread up by all saying how long it's been.
I have a date tomorrow though. Ever hopeful! Kinda.
She did not. I don't know why I was expecting this to work out. I should've known better.
I think I'm going to deactivate all my dating profiles and write off romance for the foreseeable future. 2016 will not be my year, I feel.
Nooo don't do this! I mean, do it if you really don't want to date at all, but like, don't let crappy no-shows get you down. You're adorable! And fun! And who knows about this chick.
It's not just this chick, it's this chick plus 8 months of continuous failure to find someone who even comes close to holding a candle to my ex, nevermind somehow getting their attention and hoping they keep up consistent communication with me. The universe has spoken, and I must have the wisdom to realize the message it is sending: "Don't bother."
Seems pretty straightforward to me.
8 months?
Amateur.
Yes, but that's 8 months of solid effort. Honestly it feels a lot like job hunting, yet somehow worse.
So my ex (but we're still trying to stay friends) was in the States for a couple of weeks visiting family, and I expected I'd hear something from her on the 23rd when she was meant to be getting back. Came and went, heard nothing, assumed I'd got the wrong date. Sent a speculative text today asking if she was back yet, and yeah she's been back nearly a week but never got round to saying anything. I know I should be fine, we're not together even if it's more complicated than just "it's over, goodbye", and I'm not owed anything. It's just kind of an upsetting contrast to the last few years, and it's hitting me quite hard.
0
Lost Salientblink twiceif you'd like me to mercy kill youRegistered Userregular
Oy Steve
I think my knee-jerk encouragement is more in reflex to how down you seem about yourself based on things that are not your fault - sometimes, especially after a bad breakup or the end of a long-term relationship, you really need time to not be On the Scene, and that's okay! In fact it's perfectly okay to not want to date, right now or even ever. Just make sure that whatever decision you make comes from a place of actual desire and not frustration or depression. There's a difference between being healthy and mindful of your emotional/mental/physical needs (e.g. 'I want to focus on myself as an individual rather than part of a couple right now') and making a decision that is ultimately self-flagellating ('I lost the only relationship I'll ever be happy in, I'm not worth love, what's wrong with me').
I also think it's the tendency of the modern dating lifestyle/pop culture to press upon us the importance of Getting Out There, and I kinda think that's horseshit. Yeah, obviously dating can be stressful when you don't know another person well, but it shouldn't be a hated job or an onerous burden.
Anyway I think you're a charming, good-looking dude with a great sense of humor, so like, don't let yourself be persuaded otherwise because of dating randos, whatever you end up doing.
"Sandra has a good solid anti-murderer vibe. My skin felt very secure and sufficiently attached to my body when I met her. Also my organs." HAIL SATAN
She did not. I don't know why I was expecting this to work out. I should've known better.
I think I'm going to deactivate all my dating profiles and write off romance for the foreseeable future. 2016 will not be my year, I feel.
Nooo don't do this! I mean, do it if you really don't want to date at all, but like, don't let crappy no-shows get you down. You're adorable! And fun! And who knows about this chick.
It's not just this chick, it's this chick plus 8 months of continuous failure to find someone who even comes close to holding a candle to my ex, nevermind somehow getting their attention and hoping they keep up consistent communication with me. The universe has spoken, and I must have the wisdom to realize the message it is sending: "Don't bother."
Seems pretty straightforward to me.
8 months?
Amateur.
Yes, but that's 8 months of solid effort. Honestly it feels a lot like job hunting, yet somehow worse.
Have you tried like, an in-between state?
Y'know, not actively scouring dating websites for your next torrid romance
But also not deactivating your profiles and intentionally ignoring such options
I find I need to go through cycles of actively looking and being in that in-between state, personally
And while it's certainly not common, I've gotten messages and stuff while in that in-between state
Mostly not amounting to anything - people I'm not interested in, or conversations that drop off partway through - but I think those are really important to keeping up forward progress
So my ex (but we're still trying to stay friends) was in the States for a couple of weeks visiting family, and I expected I'd hear something from her on the 23rd when she was meant to be getting back. Came and went, heard nothing, assumed I'd got the wrong date. Sent a speculative text today asking if she was back yet, and yeah she's been back nearly a week but never got round to saying anything. I know I should be fine, we're not together even if it's more complicated than just "it's over, goodbye", and I'm not owed anything. It's just kind of an upsetting contrast to the last few years, and it's hitting me quite hard.
I don't have any good advice but yeah that sounds like a crappy situation, break ups dont automatically mean you stop feeling things, even if you accept the break up and think its best. Hugs mate.
Okay so here's the deal. My husband cheated on me. We both believe the only way to hit the reset button and save our marriage is if I have an affair too so we will know exactly what the other one is feeling
If you are going to judge or not be on board with this don't bother responding. This will not be a continuing thing. You and I will simply fuck and go our separate ways. I'm not looking for an hour of foreplay and romance. Just to fuck
I give up this is the final time I am bother going to look at OKC I seriously give up on it
So my ex (but we're still trying to stay friends) was in the States for a couple of weeks visiting family, and I expected I'd hear something from her on the 23rd when she was meant to be getting back. Came and went, heard nothing, assumed I'd got the wrong date. Sent a speculative text today asking if she was back yet, and yeah she's been back nearly a week but never got round to saying anything. I know I should be fine, we're not together even if it's more complicated than just "it's over, goodbye", and I'm not owed anything. It's just kind of an upsetting contrast to the last few years, and it's hitting me quite hard.
I don't have any good advice but yeah that sounds like a crappy situation, break ups dont automatically mean you stop feeling things, even if you accept the break up and think its best. Hugs mate.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm just trying to process it and then, I guess, find a way to make some good out of it.
0
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
I think my knee-jerk encouragement is more in reflex to how down you seem about yourself based on things that are not your fault - sometimes, especially after a bad breakup or the end of a long-term relationship, you really need time to not be On the Scene, and that's okay! In fact it's perfectly okay to not want to date, right now or even ever. Just make sure that whatever decision you make comes from a place of actual desire and not frustration or depression. There's a difference between being healthy and mindful of your emotional/mental/physical needs (e.g. 'I want to focus on myself as an individual rather than part of a couple right now') and making a decision that is ultimately self-flagellating ('I lost the only relationship I'll ever be happy in, I'm not worth love, what's wrong with me').
I also think it's the tendency of the modern dating lifestyle/pop culture to press upon us the importance of Getting Out There, and I kinda think that's horseshit. Yeah, obviously dating can be stressful when you don't know another person well, but it shouldn't be a hated job or an onerous burden.
Anyway I think you're a charming, good-looking dude with a great sense of humor, so like, don't let yourself be persuaded otherwise because of dating randos, whatever you end up doing.
I appreciate this post.
For what it's worth, I try not to let it get to me. Really, I do. My frustration is more or less rooted in the fact that I've spent almost the exclusive majority of my adult life as a single man (never mind the fact that I grew up an only child), so I've had 30 years to figure out who I am and work on myself. I don't need any more time to myself. And I'm severely introverted, so let me throw some extra gravitas on that: this introverted, borderline hermit of a man doesn't need any more time to himself. I need time with someone else. It doesn't have to be a lot of time--and in the past, it usually hasn't been anyways--but I need it none the less.
I've spent plenty of long periods of time suppressing my desires in this realm, and inevitably it almost always leads me down an unhealthy road of substance abuse and morose depression. I'm not particularly good at dealing with this loneliness, and as each day passes it just gets a little bit worse, like a basement flooding, one cup of water at a time.
So my ex (but we're still trying to stay friends) was in the States for a couple of weeks visiting family, and I expected I'd hear something from her on the 23rd when she was meant to be getting back. Came and went, heard nothing, assumed I'd got the wrong date. Sent a speculative text today asking if she was back yet, and yeah she's been back nearly a week but never got round to saying anything. I know I should be fine, we're not together even if it's more complicated than just "it's over, goodbye", and I'm not owed anything. It's just kind of an upsetting contrast to the last few years, and it's hitting me quite hard.
I don't have any good advice but yeah that sounds like a crappy situation, break ups dont automatically mean you stop feeling things, even if you accept the break up and think its best. Hugs mate.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm just trying to process it and then, I guess, find a way to make some good out of it.
Processing it will take some time for sure, but you've got this, and you'll come out better. I can tell because you're not daft, it'll all be good!
0
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
I really wish I had the super power of "has full, actualized control over emotional state and desires, and is not beholden to biological imperatives and evolutionary survival programming"
Like, sure, flight would be nice, but what if you're airborne and you have an anxiety attack. Speeding over the Pacific Ocean at 700 miles per hour is not a convenient place to have a case of HOSTILE BRAIN SPIDER ATTACK
She did not. I don't know why I was expecting this to work out. I should've known better.
I think I'm going to deactivate all my dating profiles and write off romance for the foreseeable future. 2016 will not be my year, I feel.
Nooo don't do this! I mean, do it if you really don't want to date at all, but like, don't let crappy no-shows get you down. You're adorable! And fun! And who knows about this chick.
It's not just this chick, it's this chick plus 8 months of continuous failure to find someone who even comes close to holding a candle to my ex, nevermind somehow getting their attention and hoping they keep up consistent communication with me. The universe has spoken, and I must have the wisdom to realize the message it is sending: "Don't bother."
Seems pretty straightforward to me.
8 months?
Amateur.
Yes, but that's 8 months of solid effort. Honestly it feels a lot like job hunting, yet somehow worse.
For what it's worth, I try not to let it get to me. Really, I do. My frustration is more or less rooted in the fact that I've spent almost the exclusive majority of my adult life as a single man (never mind the fact that I grew up an only child), so I've had 30 years to figure out who I am and work on myself. I don't need any more time to myself. And I'm severely introverted, so let me throw some extra gravitas on that: this introverted, borderline hermit of a man doesn't need any more time to himself. I need time with someone else. It doesn't have to be a lot of time--and in the past, it usually hasn't been anyways--but I need it none the less.
I've spent plenty of long periods of time suppressing my desires in this realm, and inevitably it almost always leads me down an unhealthy road of substance abuse and morose depression. I'm not particularly good at dealing with this loneliness, and as each day passes it just gets a little bit worse, like a basement flooding, one cup of water at a time.
Have you thought about maybe trying out some new, low-anxiety social things outside of dating? Things where you can go and be social or just be around folks?
"Sandra has a good solid anti-murderer vibe. My skin felt very secure and sufficiently attached to my body when I met her. Also my organs." HAIL SATAN
+3
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
For what it's worth, I try not to let it get to me. Really, I do. My frustration is more or less rooted in the fact that I've spent almost the exclusive majority of my adult life as a single man (never mind the fact that I grew up an only child), so I've had 30 years to figure out who I am and work on myself. I don't need any more time to myself. And I'm severely introverted, so let me throw some extra gravitas on that: this introverted, borderline hermit of a man doesn't need any more time to himself. I need time with someone else. It doesn't have to be a lot of time--and in the past, it usually hasn't been anyways--but I need it none the less.
I've spent plenty of long periods of time suppressing my desires in this realm, and inevitably it almost always leads me down an unhealthy road of substance abuse and morose depression. I'm not particularly good at dealing with this loneliness, and as each day passes it just gets a little bit worse, like a basement flooding, one cup of water at a time.
Have you thought about maybe trying out some new, low-anxiety social things outside of dating? Things where you can go and be social or just be around folks?
I should clarify: I don't want to be social in a general sense, I want to be intimate with someone. Preferably somebody cool and fun and cute. Being social is all well and good too, don't get me wrong, but I already have plenty of friends, and know where to find them if the mood strikes me.
I don't need platonic, friendly contact; I need intimate contact.
+1
StraightziHere we may reign secure, and in my choice,To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered Userregular
edited February 2016
I mean
A lot of times those social things can lead to dating
But I get where you're coming from, I think
Straightzi on
+2
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
edited February 2016
My social things likely wouldn't, given the composition of my local friends.
EDIT: Also I have a standing rule of "don't date from within my social circle, don't date coworkers, don't date anyone who doesn't know the Wu Tang secret." Cuts down on post-breakup drama.
Hacksaw on
0
StraightziHere we may reign secure, and in my choice,To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered Userregular
Well like, new social things
Obviously your current social things ain't doing it for you
+1
HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
The "social things" in this town are not the kind of social things I enjoy.
0
PiptheFairFrequently not in boats.Registered Userregular
it's articles that are used for sewing but not fabrics
like buttons and zippers
0
PiptheFairFrequently not in boats.Registered Userregular
and you aren't hacksaw liiya
0
Theodore Flooseveltproud parent of eight beautiful girls and shalmelodorne (which is currently being ruled by a woman (awesome role model for my daughters)) #dornedadRegistered Userregular
i thought haberdashers made hats. who makes hats?
+6
KwoaruConfident SmirkFlawless Golden PecsRegistered Userregular
Posts
.....
please laugh / clap
Yeah, self-deprecation in an introduction is an act of desperation. An assumption that you aren't interesting enough to get someone's attention, so you're going to beat them to the punch on the negative responses so they'll feel sympathetic. Except that's not at all how it actually works and in reality you're either being too lazy to figure out a way to actually be interesting, or else you actually can't think of any positive things to try and sell yourself on. And if that's the case, you're not in a good headspace for dating anyway.
Such and someone stubbing their toe, poking fun at someone being clumsy, but then mentioning something you've done yourself in rapid succession like burning your hand from cooking. If I make fun of someone for something they did, I don't want to make anyone feel like I think I'm totally superior. Stupid stuff that happens to you is funny.
Gives new meaning to "by the seat of your pants."
8 months?
Amateur.
We could really cheer this thread up by all saying how long it's been.
I have a date tomorrow though. Ever hopeful! Kinda.
Yes, but that's 8 months of solid effort. Honestly it feels a lot like job hunting, yet somehow worse.
I think my knee-jerk encouragement is more in reflex to how down you seem about yourself based on things that are not your fault - sometimes, especially after a bad breakup or the end of a long-term relationship, you really need time to not be On the Scene, and that's okay! In fact it's perfectly okay to not want to date, right now or even ever. Just make sure that whatever decision you make comes from a place of actual desire and not frustration or depression. There's a difference between being healthy and mindful of your emotional/mental/physical needs (e.g. 'I want to focus on myself as an individual rather than part of a couple right now') and making a decision that is ultimately self-flagellating ('I lost the only relationship I'll ever be happy in, I'm not worth love, what's wrong with me').
I also think it's the tendency of the modern dating lifestyle/pop culture to press upon us the importance of Getting Out There, and I kinda think that's horseshit. Yeah, obviously dating can be stressful when you don't know another person well, but it shouldn't be a hated job or an onerous burden.
Anyway I think you're a charming, good-looking dude with a great sense of humor, so like, don't let yourself be persuaded otherwise because of dating randos, whatever you end up doing.
"Sandra has a good solid anti-murderer vibe. My skin felt very secure and sufficiently attached to my body when I met her. Also my organs." HAIL SATAN
Have you tried like, an in-between state?
Y'know, not actively scouring dating websites for your next torrid romance
But also not deactivating your profiles and intentionally ignoring such options
I find I need to go through cycles of actively looking and being in that in-between state, personally
And while it's certainly not common, I've gotten messages and stuff while in that in-between state
Mostly not amounting to anything - people I'm not interested in, or conversations that drop off partway through - but I think those are really important to keeping up forward progress
I don't have any good advice but yeah that sounds like a crappy situation, break ups dont automatically mean you stop feeling things, even if you accept the break up and think its best. Hugs mate.
If you are going to judge or not be on board with this don't bother responding. This will not be a continuing thing. You and I will simply fuck and go our separate ways. I'm not looking for an hour of foreplay and romance. Just to fuck
I give up this is the final time I am bother going to look at OKC I seriously give up on it
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm just trying to process it and then, I guess, find a way to make some good out of it.
I appreciate this post.
For what it's worth, I try not to let it get to me. Really, I do. My frustration is more or less rooted in the fact that I've spent almost the exclusive majority of my adult life as a single man (never mind the fact that I grew up an only child), so I've had 30 years to figure out who I am and work on myself. I don't need any more time to myself. And I'm severely introverted, so let me throw some extra gravitas on that: this introverted, borderline hermit of a man doesn't need any more time to himself. I need time with someone else. It doesn't have to be a lot of time--and in the past, it usually hasn't been anyways--but I need it none the less.
I've spent plenty of long periods of time suppressing my desires in this realm, and inevitably it almost always leads me down an unhealthy road of substance abuse and morose depression. I'm not particularly good at dealing with this loneliness, and as each day passes it just gets a little bit worse, like a basement flooding, one cup of water at a time.
Processing it will take some time for sure, but you've got this, and you'll come out better. I can tell because you're not daft, it'll all be good!
Like, sure, flight would be nice, but what if you're airborne and you have an anxiety attack. Speeding over the Pacific Ocean at 700 miles per hour is not a convenient place to have a case of HOSTILE BRAIN SPIDER ATTACK
I did 13 months of solid effort.
then I met my girlfriend (but not online).
I'd probably still be trying if not for her.
Have you thought about maybe trying out some new, low-anxiety social things outside of dating? Things where you can go and be social or just be around folks?
"Sandra has a good solid anti-murderer vibe. My skin felt very secure and sufficiently attached to my body when I met her. Also my organs." HAIL SATAN
I should clarify: I don't want to be social in a general sense, I want to be intimate with someone. Preferably somebody cool and fun and cute. Being social is all well and good too, don't get me wrong, but I already have plenty of friends, and know where to find them if the mood strikes me.
I don't need platonic, friendly contact; I need intimate contact.
A lot of times those social things can lead to dating
But I get where you're coming from, I think
EDIT: Also I have a standing rule of "don't date from within my social circle, don't date coworkers, don't date anyone who doesn't know the Wu Tang secret." Cuts down on post-breakup drama.
Obviously your current social things ain't doing it for you
you don't like hootenannies?
nope
it's articles that are used for sewing but not fabrics
like buttons and zippers
Isn't that just Hatters?
I thought this too, so I just looked it up
Milliners make hats