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The Even Worse Joke Thread

2456769

Posts

  • GoatmonGoatmon Property of Amara_P Registered User regular
    Have a look at The Monkeys You Ordered, a site dedicated to re-captioning New Yorker cartoons with extremely literal punchlines.

    Your enjoyment of it is very much going to be determined by whether or not you are amused by things that are so unfunny they wrap back around to being funny.

    Why can't I stop laughing at this
    tumblr_nn4husDSin1qceynno1_1280.jpg
    "This Room is Full of Magicians!"

    I feel like these are probably funnier if you actually read the original strips first.

    Switch Friend Code: SW-6680-6709-4204


    King Riptor
  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades 地獄のようにかわいい あなたは嫉妬深いかRegistered User regular
    I think you could originally click on them and they'd take you to the original but the New Yorker changed up so they don't anymore

    ジェイムズ・ブラウンの好きな色は何ですか?
    青!
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
    By walking
    jk rowling

    joshofalltradeschromdomChallSporkAndrewYaYaToxNaphtaliGoose!AngelinaOut Of ContextkimeMr FuzzbuttOlivawFearghaillironsizidesponosarukundestroyah87naengwendarunia106AnialosMahnmutspool32Curly_BraceElvenshaeMild Confusionstopgap
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Hold the door open for your friendly neighborhood clown.

    Its a nice Jester.

    joshofalltradesTox
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    What did Kim Jong Un say when his dad died?
    His korea is over!

    Why can't dinosaurs talk?
    Because they're dead.

    I'd like to get a job washing mirrors.
    It's something I could really see myself doing.

    What's E.T. short for?
    Cuz he's got such tiny little legs!

    What do you call a broken can opener?
    A can't opener

    What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
    An investigator

    I've decided to sell my vacuum.
    All it does is collect dust

    I hate matryoshka dolls, don't you?
    They're so full of themselves.

    WordLust on
    PlatyjoshofalltradesEncTofystedethRhesus PositivePolaritieSporkAndrewMetzger MeisterDarth WaiterNijaSlacker71RainfallkimeDouglasDangersponoYaYasarukundjmitchelladestroyah87naengwendarunia106Anialosspool32mysticjuicerCurly_BraceElvenshaebalerbowerMild Confusionstopgap
  • PlatyPlaty Registered User regular
    edited May 2016

    Horrible, just... horrible

    Platy on
    MichaelLCjoshofalltradesToxbalerbower
  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    black_hole.png

    Wishlists! General | Gaming | Comics | Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
    Goose!PolaritieMichaelLCMetzger MeistersarukunGnome-InterruptusMahnmutspool32ElvenshaeMild ConfusionFrem
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I used to be against organ transplant.

    But then I changed my mind.

    GvzbguljoshofalltradesDarth WaiterNijaPolaritiedestroyah87
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I bought a new car with a manual transmission. I figured something was horribly wrong when it started changing gears by itself. But when I brought it into the mechanic he just looks at me and says, "Sometimes, shift happens."

    Darth WaiterMetzger MeisterPolaritie
  • DidgeridooDidgeridoo Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    I think you could originally click on them and they'd take you to the original but the New Yorker changed up so they don't anymore

    tumblr_lpmdvyvi0d1qat5d5.png

    "We packed water and dead fish instead of clothes."

    I don't even want to know the original, this is perfect

    Edit: This one too

    tumblr_ln9k9lPDqx1qat5d5.png

    "I should quit smoking."

    Didgeridoo on
    Switch Friend Code: SW-0999-1072-9696
    Avatar art from Katribou
    joshofalltradesMichaelLCJoolanderWiseManTobesJacques L'HommeNijaEncDarth WaiterBillyIdleRainfallOlivawsponosarukundestroyah87naengwendarunia106Mahnmutmysticjuicer
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I studied hard to be a historian but there wasn't a future in it for me.

    Metzger MeisterPolaritie
  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    That one hits a bit too close to home for me.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
    joshofalltradesMetzger MeisterInvectivusStraightziEncToxOlivawvalhalla130ZellphersarukunLucedeswandering
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    That one hits a bit too close to home for me.

    At first I felt bad for you, but then I noticed you were just being facetious.

    ChallBedlamToxDarth WaiterMichaelLCSlacker71OmnipotentBagelkimeOlivawvalhalla130HefflingYaYasarukunMagellBhowdarunia106Fig-DAnialosKreutzElvenshaeBuchowanderingstopgapgodmode
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    This one taken from real life. A conversation this morning:

    A: *sends animated gif of an octopus-shaped kite*

    B: OH MY GOD I WANT ONE. It's like a Cthulhu kite!

    A: Definitely. By the way, "cthulhu kite" is also a polite thing to say after somebody sneezes.

    WordLust on
    Darth Waiterdestroyah87Mild Confusion
  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades 地獄のようにかわいい あなたは嫉妬深いかRegistered User regular
    People say I suffer from soap addiction, but I'm clean now.

    ジェイムズ・ブラウンの好きな色は何ですか?
    青!
    OmnipotentBagelDarth WaiterBedlamGoose!Metzger MeisterToxSlacker71Invectivusdestroyah87darunia106wandering
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    People say I suffer from soap addiction, but I'm clean now.

    That's a lye.

    MichaelLCBedlamchromdomDarth WaiterMetzger MeisterToxvalhalla130MadEddySlacker71HefflingYaYasarukundarunia106AnialosKreutzElvenshaeMild ConfusionwanderingKruite
  • MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    I saw all these little envelopes pop up on Facebook when I was browsing with my phone.

    Like, someone would post a sassy status, like, "And then I kicked him to the curb!" and there'd be an envelope.

    And I was like, did they send him out in an envelope? Is that envelope full of sass? Is it a sarcastic envelope? I don't know how I should be reading that envelope.

    But it kept popping up. Like, on the Cake political page (also, for fuck's sake, people, they have a page for their opinions and they have a page for their music and this gets pointed out every time John McRea posts something libertarian) John McRea would post a libertarian article and just one word. "Thoughts?"

    And then people would be like, "I liked you guys when you made music!" Envelope. Was there hatred in this envelope? Were there receipts that they are using to show that Cake used to be a band in that envelope?

    And it KEPT popping up. Again and again. "Going to Vegas." Envelope. (Clothes in that envelope? Gambling money in that envelope? Plane tickets in that envelope?)

    "Got sick at work. Heading home." Envelope. (Prescription in that envelope? Doctor's note in that envelope? Sickness? In that envelope?)

    It was breaking my sanity. I googled it. Nothing. Nothing on the know your meme page about envelopes on Facebook. Nothing on Facebook about envelopes on Facebook envelopes. Nothing.

    I was at lunch with a friend yesterday, and I asked him.

    "Hey, what's with all the envelopes you posted on your wife's status?"

    "What?"

    I pulled my phone out.

    "She said, 'We should be at the beach and she posted a tiny wineglass, and then you posted tiny pictures of, 'beer glass, beer glass, martini glass, cocktail glass, envelope, beer glass, envelope, martini glass, margarita glass, envelope, smiley face, and then a heart."

    I handed my phone over.

    "Oh. Those aren't envelopes.

    "They're emojis that aren't supported by your phone."

    Envelope.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
    PolaritieTofystedethjoshofalltradesKwoaruRainfallRhesus PositivekimechromdomDarth WaiterMetzger MeisterToxProlegomenaironsizideInvectivusYaYasarukunnaengwenGnome-InterruptusAnialosMahnmutmysticjuicerCurly_BraceElvenshaeMild Confusionstopgap
  • TofystedethTofystedeth veni, veneri, vamoosi Registered User regular
    Hahaha, that's so ✉️

    steam_sig.png
    joshofalltradesMalReynoldsRainfallRhesus PositiveOlivawToxSlacker71InvectivusDuke 2.0AnialosmysticjuicerCurly_BraceMild Confusion
  • WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    I saw all these little envelopes pop up on Facebook when I was browsing with my phone.

    Like, someone would post a sassy status, like, "And then I kicked him to the curb!" and there'd be an envelope.

    And I was like, did they send him out in an envelope? Is that envelope full of sass? Is it a sarcastic envelope? I don't know how I should be reading that envelope.

    But it kept popping up. Like, on the Cake political page (also, for fuck's sake, people, they have a page for their opinions and they have a page for their music and this gets pointed out every time John McRea posts something libertarian) John McRea would post a libertarian article and just one word. "Thoughts?"

    And then people would be like, "I liked you guys when you made music!" Envelope. Was there hatred in this envelope? Were there receipts that they are using to show that Cake used to be a band in that envelope?

    And it KEPT popping up. Again and again. "Going to Vegas." Envelope. (Clothes in that envelope? Gambling money in that envelope? Plane tickets in that envelope?)

    "Got sick at work. Heading home." Envelope. (Prescription in that envelope? Doctor's note in that envelope? Sickness? In that envelope?)

    It was breaking my sanity. I googled it. Nothing. Nothing on the know your meme page about envelopes on Facebook. Nothing on Facebook about envelopes on Facebook envelopes. Nothing.

    I was at lunch with a friend yesterday, and I asked him.

    "Hey, what's with all the envelopes you posted on your wife's status?"

    "What?"

    I pulled my phone out.

    "She said, 'We should be at the beach and she posted a tiny wineglass, and then you posted tiny pictures of, 'beer glass, beer glass, martini glass, cocktail glass, envelope, beer glass, envelope, martini glass, margarita glass, envelope, smiley face, and then a heart."

    I handed my phone over.

    "Oh. Those aren't envelopes.

    "They're emojis that aren't supported by your phone."

    Envelope.

    Captain Holt?

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
    Rhesus PositivesponohonovereGnome-InterruptusMild Confusiongodmode
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    edited May 2016

    'beer glass, beer glass, martini glass, cocktail glass, envelope, beer glass, envelope, martini glass, margarita glass, envelope, smiley face, and then a heart."

    Envelope.

    And then the doctor said, "You know, MalReynolds, I think you're obsessed with envelopes."

    And MalReynolds said, "Hey, you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures."

    HA HA HA HA HA HA

    WordLust on
    mysticjuicerElvenshae
  • MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    I saw all these little envelopes pop up on Facebook when I was browsing with my phone.

    Like, someone would post a sassy status, like, "And then I kicked him to the curb!" and there'd be an envelope.

    And I was like, did they send him out in an envelope? Is that envelope full of sass? Is it a sarcastic envelope? I don't know how I should be reading that envelope.

    But it kept popping up. Like, on the Cake political page (also, for fuck's sake, people, they have a page for their opinions and they have a page for their music and this gets pointed out every time John McRea posts something libertarian) John McRea would post a libertarian article and just one word. "Thoughts?"

    And then people would be like, "I liked you guys when you made music!" Envelope. Was there hatred in this envelope? Were there receipts that they are using to show that Cake used to be a band in that envelope?

    And it KEPT popping up. Again and again. "Going to Vegas." Envelope. (Clothes in that envelope? Gambling money in that envelope? Plane tickets in that envelope?)

    "Got sick at work. Heading home." Envelope. (Prescription in that envelope? Doctor's note in that envelope? Sickness? In that envelope?)

    It was breaking my sanity. I googled it. Nothing. Nothing on the know your meme page about envelopes on Facebook. Nothing on Facebook about envelopes on Facebook envelopes. Nothing.

    I was at lunch with a friend yesterday, and I asked him.

    "Hey, what's with all the envelopes you posted on your wife's status?"

    "What?"

    I pulled my phone out.

    "She said, 'We should be at the beach and she posted a tiny wineglass, and then you posted tiny pictures of, 'beer glass, beer glass, martini glass, cocktail glass, envelope, beer glass, envelope, martini glass, margarita glass, envelope, smiley face, and then a heart."

    I handed my phone over.

    "Oh. Those aren't envelopes.

    "They're emojis that aren't supported by your phone."

    Envelope.

    Captain Holt?

    ONE CAN SEE WHY THIS WAS UPSETTING ME

    zodF56Gl.jpg?1

    Like I thought, "These are either envelopes or windows. Why would they be windows?"

    Envelopes are the obvious choice because they can mean so many things

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
    mysticjuicer
  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    It took me a while to figure out that you were talking about those little unsupported emoji symbols, actually

    I've never seen those as being envelopes before

    OlivawMagell
  • WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    And then ANOTHER box with a question mark

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
    Rhesus Positivechrishallett83MadEddysponoGnome-InterruptusElvenshae
  • MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    Straightzi wrote: »
    It took me a while to figure out that you were talking about those little unsupported emoji symbols, actually

    I've never seen those as being envelopes before

    I think my main thinking on this was, I typically browse Facebook on my computer, where all the emojis load, so it didn't even cross my mind that there would be unsupported icons on the phone. It just didn't scan that these were phone specific emojis on Facebook. So I thought it was like, a new emoji trend.

    And the worst part was, when I would try and explain it to people, I'd say, "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook all of a sudden?" and people would look at me like I'm a crazy person. Like, I spent a good fifteen minutes on my laptop trying to find those envelopes to show to a friend but none would pop up and I was just like, "Huh, must be a slow time for those envelopes!"

    "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook, Will?"

    "What are you talking about, Gettings?"

    "Envelopes. Everywhere. On every post."

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
    mysticjuicer
  • TofystedethTofystedeth veni, veneri, vamoosi Registered User regular
    Straightzi wrote: »
    It took me a while to figure out that you were talking about those little unsupported emoji symbols, actually

    I've never seen those as being envelopes before

    I think my main thinking on this was, I typically browse Facebook on my computer, where all the emojis load, so it didn't even cross my mind that there would be unsupported icons on the phone. It just didn't scan that these were phone specific emojis on Facebook. So I thought it was like, a new emoji trend.

    And the worst part was, when I would try and explain it to people, I'd say, "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook all of a sudden?" and people would look at me like I'm a crazy person. Like, I spent a good fifteen minutes on my laptop trying to find those envelopes to show to a friend but none would pop up and I was just like, "Huh, must be a slow time for those envelopes!"

    "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook, Will?"

    "What are you talking about, Gettings?"

    "Envelopes. Everywhere. On every post."

    https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/02/04

    steam_sig.png
    mysticjuicer
  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    Yeah I've never actually had the problem on Facebook, which is part of it for me. I don't really use Facebook on my phone much though. So I've had it with text messages and stuff, and I just shrug my shoulders because I'm not really an emoji person anyways.

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Straightzi wrote: »
    It took me a while to figure out that you were talking about those little unsupported emoji symbols, actually

    I've never seen those as being envelopes before

    I think my main thinking on this was, I typically browse Facebook on my computer, where all the emojis load, so it didn't even cross my mind that there would be unsupported icons on the phone. It just didn't scan that these were phone specific emojis on Facebook. So I thought it was like, a new emoji trend.

    And the worst part was, when I would try and explain it to people, I'd say, "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook all of a sudden?" and people would look at me like I'm a crazy person. Like, I spent a good fifteen minutes on my laptop trying to find those envelopes to show to a friend but none would pop up and I was just like, "Huh, must be a slow time for those envelopes!"

    "Why are there so many envelopes on Facebook, Will?"

    "What are you talking about, Gettings?"

    "Envelopes. Everywhere. On every post."

    Glad you licked that mystery.

    "Never believe management about anything anywhere." -Aistan
    TofystedethSlacker71Elvenshae
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Back in my day we had to walk ten miles in the snow uphill both ways to get an emoji AND WE LIKED IT!!!

    Bucho
  • The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Why is Christopher Eccleston scared of Paul McGann?
    Because McGann Hurt Eccleston

    zappsigsm.jpg
    Amazon wish list | Please check out my wife's blog and jewelry store.
    Slacker71InvectivusRhesus PositiveDark Raven Xdarunia106mysticjuicerwandering
  • SeolSeol Registered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    Why is Christopher Eccleston scared of Paul McGann?
    Because McGann Hurt Eccleston
    I immediately read that as a variation on "why is six afraid of seven" but the numbers didn't quite line up and of course the War Doctor confounds numbering anyway and it was just.... niggling.

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    If wombs are pronounced "wooms" and tombs are pronounced "tooms", shouldn't bombs be pronounced "booms"?

    What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
    Nothing, it just gave out a little wine

    Why was the soldier pinned down?
    He was under a tack

    I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

    I only used to watch the Sean Connery 007 films, but then I was advised to diversify my bonds.

    TomantajoshofalltradesToxchromdomSlacker71Nijadestroyah87spool32Mild Confusionwandering
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    What do you get if you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
    Linoleum Blownapart

    joshofalltradesToxMichaelLCPolaritiechromdomEbola ColaTomantachrishallett83Rhesus PositiveSporkAndrewTofystedethHeadCreepsknitdanMetzger MeisterNijaYukirasponoYaYasarukunMadEddydestroyah87Jedocdarunia106AbsurdPropositionTamMahnmutwandering
  • joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades 地獄のようにかわいい あなたは嫉妬深いかRegistered User regular
    WordLust wrote: »
    What do you get if you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
    Linoleum Blownapart

    Oh my god

    ジェイムズ・ブラウンの好きな色は何ですか?
    青!
    NaphtaliToxTomantachrishallett83Metzger MeisterOlivawNijaYukirasponoYaYasarukunnaengwenGoatmondarunia106AnialosKreutzTamspool32Mild Confusion
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    WordLust wrote: »
    What do you get if you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
    Linoleum Blownapart

    Fuckin' mad bants bruv!

  • knitdanknitdan Oh no Too much hornyRegistered User regular
    I was gonna go with "a whole mess of Frog legs"

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • pimentopimento they/pim Registered User regular
    A lot of bread.
    Pain. Of chocolate. You know.

    Jokes that require explaining are the best.

    Smrtnik
  • WordLustWordLust Registered User regular
    pimento wrote: »
    A lot of bread.
    Pain. Of chocolate. You know.

    Jokes that require explaining are the best.

    Well I refuse to ask!

    I guess the joke's on you!

  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    How do you drown a hipster?
    Throw him into the mainstream.

    "Never believe management about anything anywhere." -Aistan
    joshofalltradesDarth WaiterRhesus PositiveKwoaruToxTomantaNijaironsizidekimesarukunNeveronnaengwenGnome-Interruptusdarunia106Anialosspool32ElvenshaeMild Confusion
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    How did the hipster burn his mouth?

    He ate his pizza before it was cool.

    TofystedethDouglasDangerironsizidekimesarukunGnome-InterruptusElvenshaeMild Confusionstopgap
  • Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    Why do hipster musicians make such great burglers?
    Because you've never heard them.

    Rhesus PositiveBedlamToxironsizidesarukunnaengwenMild ConfusionNitsua
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