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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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    sponospono Mining for Nose Diamonds Booger CoveRegistered User regular
    Stolen from that bad kids jokes site:

    Yo momma so ugly she made Hello Kitty say goodbye!

    640qocnq4ske.gif
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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    A dangling participle walks into a bar. After finishing one drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

    Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

    The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

    Rhesus Positive on
    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    I'll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive.

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited May 2016
    Grammar jokes reminds me of one of my favorites, though I actually consider this a great joke:
    Linguist: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the library's at?

    Prescriptivist: Did you just end a sentence with a preposition? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of grammar expert?

    Linguist: Oh, sorry. Can you tell me where the library's at, asshole?

    Back to bad jokes:

    Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm in an accident?
    He's all right now.

    Did you hear about that kidnapping yesterday?
    He woke up.

    Why should you never trust an atom?
    They make up everything.

    How many south americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A brazilian.

    WordLust on
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    Why did the banana go to the doctor?
    Because he wasn't peeling very well.

    How do monkeys get down the stairs?
    They slide down the banana-ster!

    What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
    a dill doe (sorry)

    What did the skeptical pickle say?
    You're gherkin my chain!

    WordLust on
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    Slacker71Slacker71 subgenius RentonRegistered User regular
    How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Two, but don't ask me how they got in there

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will have the album.

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    spono wrote: »
    Stolen from that bad kids jokes site:

    Yo momma so ugly she made Hello Kitty say goodbye!

    That's actually super good.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    Shifty_CalhounShifty_Calhoun Registered User regular
    A dung beetle walks into a bar...

    'Is this stool taken?'

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
    Ten. Ten tickles. (Please don't make me explain it.)

    What do you call a sleep walking nun?
    A roamin' catholic

    What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
    HAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE

    WordLust on
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    Two behaviorists are having sex. When they finish, one turns to the other and says, "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

    Sartre is sitting in a cafe. The waitress asks him what he wants. "Coffee, no cream," he says. She replies, "Sorry, we're out of cream. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?"

    joshofalltrades on
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    WordLust wrote: »
    What do you get if you toss a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
    Linoleum Blownapart

    Oh my god

    People are looking at me funny on the bus, you assholes.

    God DAMMIT.

    Edit: REVENGE!

    She was only a whiskey maker
    but he loved her still.

    The boy's rubber band pistol was confiscated and he was sent to the principal's office
    because the teacher considered it a weapon of math disruption.

    Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    a barber

    Did you hear about the tragic story of the flash fire at the circus?
    It was in tents.

    A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

    However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"
    "No," they drawled smugly. "We've come to seize yer berry, not to praise it."

    sarukun on
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    I had a few jokes to make about unemployed people, but...
    ...honestly none of them work.

    What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space?
    You have to planet.

    I ate too much middle eastern food.
    Now I falafel.

    Why does the furniture store keep calling me back?!
    All I wanted was one night stand!

    WordLust on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    Tom Cruise

    fixed

    BLM - ACAB
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    Did you hear about the tragic story of the flash fire at the circus?
    It was in tents.

    This reminds me of a variation on this one.

    Why is sex while camping so amazing?
    Because it's fucking in tents.

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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    Tom Cruise

    fixed

    Guys.

    Guys.

    Get it.

    It's because Tom Cruise is secretly homosexual.

    Secret homosexuals make the best punchlines.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
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    OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel floof Registered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
    Tom Cruise

    fixed

    Guys.

    Guys.

    Get it.

    It's because Tom Cruise is secretly homosexual.

    Secret homosexuals make the best punchlines.

    Unless...

    Is Tom Cruise part-werewolf or something? Or does he have that Santa Claus disease from that one Tim Allen movie? Maybe he just grows facial hair really, really quickly.

    cdci44qazyo3.gif

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    I thought it was going to be Robin Williams under that spoiler, tbh

    joshofalltrades on
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular

    This reminds me of a variation on this one.

    Why is sex while camping so amazing?
    Because it's fucking in tents.

    This version gets my vote.

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I tried running in a campground but I could only ran. Because it was past tents.

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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    I was gifted a couple of tepees and I am setting up the present tents.

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    A group of college students are taking a world religion class and are assigned a project: they are to assemble into groups based on their religion and make a presentation of the symbol that their faith uses.

    Presentation day comes, and the first group stands in front of the class. "We are Jewish, and this is the Star of David." They go on to describe how it came to be emblematic of the Jewish faith, including how it was intended to imitate the effect of the Christian cross.

    They sit down and the next group gets up. "We are Muslim, and the most recent symbol of the Islamic faith is the Star and Crescent." They go on to give a detailed history of how this took place.

    The final group stands up.
    "We are Christians, and this is a potluck dinner."

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    What kind of traffic light describes the American Civil War?
    A blinkin' one.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    What kind of traffic light describes the American Civil War?
    A blinkin' one.

    It was funnier in Robin Hood Men In Tights =P

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    .... did they make that joke? Jerks.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    I don't get get either of those.

    BLM - ACAB
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    TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    Josh's joke is basically a riff on the "here's why people really go to church" thing.

    Reminds me of one I heard long ago.

    Went something like:
    On main street there were a Catholic church, a synagogue, and a Presbyterian church all in a row. One day, there was a fire which quickly spread to all 3 buildings. The Catholic priest rushed in and a few minutes later came out with the communion set. The rabbi ran in and returned with a smoldering Torah. The Presbyterian pastor ran into the church as it began to collapse and came out clutching the coffee maker.

    steam_sig.png
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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    How many ants does it take to move into an apartment
    Ten Ants

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    How many ants does it take to move into an apartment
    Ten Ants

    :so_raven:

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    This isn't really a joke but coming off the heels of the church joke discussion it seems appropriate

    When I first moved to Abilene I was riding in a truck with my new boss, and I asked him where he goes to church, just trying to make small talk

    So he responded, "I go to Heavenly Rest."

    So in my mind I'm thinking, "Oh he sleeps in instead of going to church, like the old Bedside Baptist joke, that's funny."

    So I chuckled and said, "Oh, really? I've been going to St. Mattress a lot lately."

    And he gave me this weird look and was just like, "Um, Heavenly Rest is the church's real name."

    And then it got awkward

    joshofalltrades on
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:

    Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"

    Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"

    WordLust on
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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    WordLust wrote: »
    Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:

    Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"

    Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"

    BeavisAndButtheadLaugh.gif

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    Tox wrote: »
    WordLust wrote: »
    Speaking of awkward conversations, here is a 100% true awkward conversation that happened when I was in high school. I still cherish this moment over 15 years later:

    Guy in class: "Isn't it weird that the word 'urethra' sounds like a woman's name? Like Urethra Franklin?"

    Girl in class: "Urethra....? Isn't that in your throat?"

    BeavisAndButtheadLaugh.gif

    Exactly. Just imagine an entire classroom full of those laughs.

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    MrBrickMrBrick Underneath pub furniture.Registered User regular
    What's the difference between drinking Budweiser and having intercourse in a canoe?
    Nothing. They're both fucking close to water.

    Why did the baker have brown hands?
    He needed a poo.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh

    Sorry.

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    MrBrick wrote: »

    Why did the baker have brown hands?
    He needed a poo.

    Sorry.

    Oh my god

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Two third-graders are in Sunday School together and the lesson is about Satan.

    As they leave the class, one asks the other, "Do you really believe all that stuff? About how Satan tempts us to do evil and heaps suffering upon us?"

    The other responds, "Nah,
    I think it's like Santa Claus. It's probably just our dads."

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    GoldenSeducerGoldenSeducer AAAAAUGH!! Registered User regular
    An idle, caffeinated mind is the Devil's playground. I came up with this while I was trying to fall asleep.

    What did Basil say to Rosemary?
    Sugar, you make me say umami! Let's spend some thyme together so I can curry your favor!

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    Death of RatsDeath of Rats Registered User regular
    So in my mind I'm thinking

    Hi Thinking, I'm dad.

    No I don't.
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    chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    That joke's a little bland, might need to spice it up some

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    How do you
    chromdom wrote: »
    That joke's a little bland, might need to spice it up some

    This here is sage advice.

This discussion has been closed.