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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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    SyphyreSyphyre A Dangerous Pastime Registered User regular
    In honor of Father's Day today...

    I'm dying! call me an ambulance!
    Hi dying! You're an ambulance!

    Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?
    Because if they fall forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

    Whenever I buy garbage bags, I say to the cashier "I don't know why I buy these things. I just end up throwing them out."

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    Speaking of spice jokes:

    At around 7pm last night, two peanuts walked into a subway station and, apparently, one of them was a salted.

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    TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    If you're in the market for a big boat, I Noah guy.

    steam_sig.png
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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    If you're in the market for a big boat, I, Noah guy.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
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    Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    My husband farted for like fifteen seconds straight the other day.

    I didn't know where else to post this.

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    GvzbgulGvzbgul Registered User regular
    It deserves its own thread imo.

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    Did you hear about the guy who got a cease and desist from Paramount for selling unofficial paintings of Star Trek characters?
    He was a Khan artist.

    facetious on
    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    Did you hear about the guy who got a cease and desist from Paramount for selling unofficial paintings of Star Trek characters?
    He was a KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN artist.

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    chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    sarukun wrote: »
    facetious wrote: »
    Did you hear about the guy who got a cease and desist from Paramount for selling unofficial paintings of Star Trek characters?
    He was a 8s6vd9c66uxs.png
    artist.

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    A friend shared this one today. Apparently it's a reference from something, but I'm not culturally informed so I don't know what it is. It's a bad joke pick up line:

    Excuse me. How much does a polar bear weigh?
    Enough to break the ice. Hi. I'm [name].

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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    chromdom wrote: »
    sarukun wrote: »
    facetious wrote: »
    Did you hear about the guy who got a cease and desist from Paramount for selling unofficial paintings of Star Trek characters?
    He was a
    le9rbrxudts2.gif
    artist.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited June 2016
    WordLust wrote: »
    A friend shared this one today. Apparently it's a reference from something, but I'm not culturally informed so I don't know what it is. It's a bad joke pick up line:

    Excuse me. How much does a polar bear weigh?
    Enough to break the ice. Hi. I'm [name].

    "Breaking the ice" is a phrase for getting past the initial awkwardness of a meeting. So they're using that bad joke to introduce themselves.

    On the topic of polar bears, I'm sad to report my sign at work was finally taken down. It was a b&w clip art polar bear with the words, "a polar bear has over 120 points of articulation" written below.
    It was pinned to a meeting room wall for over two years unchallenged in a company that takes itself very seriously.

    MichaelLC on
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    ironsizideironsizide You must whip it Registered User regular
    MichaelLC wrote: »
    WordLust wrote: »
    A friend shared this one today. Apparently it's a reference from something, but I'm not culturally informed so I don't know what it is. It's a bad joke pick up line:

    Excuse me. How much does a polar bear weigh?
    Enough to break the ice. Hi. I'm [name].

    "Breaking the ice" is a phrase for getting past the initial awkwardness of a meeting. So they're using that bad joke to introduce themselves.

    On the topic of polar bears, I'm sad to report my sign at work was finally taken down. It was a b&w clip art polar bear with the words, "a polar bear has over 120 points of articulation" written below.
    It was pinned to a meeting room wall for over two years unchallenged in a company that takes itself very seriously.

    You remind me of my time at a major pharmaceutical company. I decided we needed street signs for the cubicle farms to help everyone navigate. We used people's last names. Those street signs stayed up for several years and even saw conversational use.

    |_
    Oo\ Ironsizide
    camo_sig2.png
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    MichaelLC wrote: »

    "Breaking the ice" is a phrase for getting past the initial awkwardness of a meeting. So they're using that bad joke to introduce themselves.


    I know. Didn't I say it was a bad joke / pickup line?

    Or wait. Are you doing the ironic joke explainer gag? =P

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    WordLust wrote: »
    MichaelLC wrote: »

    "Breaking the ice" is a phrase for getting past the initial awkwardness of a meeting. So they're using that bad joke to introduce themselves.


    I know. Didn't I say it was a bad joke / pickup line?

    Or wait. Are you doing the ironic joke explainer gag? =P

    I think it's because you also said this
    Apparently it's a reference from something, but I'm not culturally informed so I don't know what it is

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are said to be working together to provide a new Beatles snack cracker for hungry fans. When pressed for comment it was reportedly said "They're bigger than Cheez-its"

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    Jacques L'HommeJacques L'Homme BAH! He was a rank amateur compared to, DR. COLOSSUS!Registered User regular
    A man walks into an exam room at his doctor's office. It being for his yearly exam and the man being middle aged, soon the doctor asks the man to bend over.

    "Hey, doc, ya mind using two fingers?" asks the man. Confused, the doctor responds, "I'm sorry, why?"

    "Well, I just figured you might like a second opinion."

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    TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that was the last thing I needed.

    steam_sig.png
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    My daughter told me this one out of the blue today:

    What do you call a three-humped camel?
    Pregnant.

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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    edited July 2016
    My daughter told me this one out of the blue today:

    What do you call a three-humped camel?
    Pregnant.
    Oops, didn't realize how large that was.
    Laughing Sloth

    see317 on
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    JunpeiJunpei Registered User regular
    edited July 2016
    Somehow I ended up in a terrible place and posted D:

    Junpei on
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Luckily she didn't know why that joke is funny. She's only 7. When she told it to me, I was trying hard not to let her see me laugh. She asked, "Is that a funny joke, dad? Why?" I told her I would tell her when she's older.

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    edited July 2016
    Tox on
    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    Luckily she didn't know why that joke is funny. She's only 7. When she told it to me, I was trying hard not to let her see me laugh. She asked, "Is that a funny joke, dad? Why?" I told her I would tell her when she's older.

    Simple answer: the camel's big belly is the third hump, not the ... result ... of the hump.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited July 2016
    Luckily she didn't know why that joke is funny. She's only 7. When she told it to me, I was trying hard not to let her see me laugh. She asked, "Is that a funny joke, dad? Why?" I told her I would tell her when she's older.

    Simple answer: the camel's big belly is the third hump, not the ... result ... of the hump.

    Camels love to have humps, it's true.
    Your mother will not mind at all if I do.

    MichaelLC on
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Depending on how good the hump was, one might want to light up a Camel afterward.

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    Gilbert0Gilbert0 North of SeattleRegistered User regular
    I feel I've been doing my job as a dad correctly when my 3 year old comes up with this. Watching the Land Before Time XXVIIX the pterodactyl is sneezing and not feeling well. My 3, THREE, year old says he has a pterada-cold.

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Luckily she didn't know why that joke is funny. She's only 7. When she told it to me, I was trying hard not to let her see me laugh. She asked, "Is that a funny joke, dad? Why?" I told her I would tell her when she's older.

    Simple answer: the camel's big belly is the third hump, not the ... result ... of the hump.

    That's how I took the joke to mean. I mean, they used it in a Disney movie.

    BLM - ACAB
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    honoverehonovere Registered User regular
    The Geek wrote: »
    Luckily she didn't know why that joke is funny. She's only 7. When she told it to me, I was trying hard not to let her see me laugh. She asked, "Is that a funny joke, dad? Why?" I told her I would tell her when she's older.

    Simple answer: the camel's big belly is the third hump, not the ... result ... of the hump.

    That's how I took the joke to mean. I mean, they used it in a Disney movie.

    I guess it really depends on what kind of camelidae is involved. Bactrian or dromedary.

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    Sir PlatypusSir Platypus Registered User regular
    At work we are selling ridiculously tiny, but kinda cute notebooks.

    A customer was saying she liked them but didn't know what to use them for.

    "I got one to write down my thoughts. I don't have many big ideas."

    I hated her for not laughing.

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

    I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

    BLM - ACAB
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    pimentopimento she/they/pim Registered User regular
    Nicked this from facebook...

    The Chinese police found over 20 dead crows on the Hong Kong Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
    They then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    I will murder you.

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    JoolanderJoolander Registered User regular
    MichaelLC wrote: »
    I will murder you.

    We have enough crows here, thanks

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    If you are ever lost in the city make sure to find the funeral home. Its dead center.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What kind of dance does a dragon do?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2U_kWbXbJo
    The Wyrm

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I tried to play with my accordion in the woods today but I ran across a cave with a sign saying "Don't Polka, Sleeping Bear"

    And I thought that was good advice.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
    Kids don't eat their broccoli.

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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

    To V or not to V, that is the question.

    camo_sig2.png
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