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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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    valhalla130valhalla130 13 Dark Shield Perceives the GodsRegistered User regular
    pimento wrote: »
    Nicked this from facebook...

    The Chinese police found over 20 dead crows on the Hong Kong Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
    They then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

    I read this to me mother, in my most official sounding, authoritative voice, waited till she looked at me, then laughed like a maniac for 5 minutes last night. Only bright spot in the last couple of days.

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    edited July 2016
    It is known that the best part of liking bad jokes is being able to inflict them on others.

    destroyah87 on
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    sarukunsarukun RIESLING OCEANRegistered User regular
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    GoldenSeducerGoldenSeducer AAAAAUGH!! Registered User regular
    My BIL and I are proud of this one:

    The Tin Man lodged his axe in Dorothy's leg. The Scarecrow thoughtlessly made a joke about it being an "axe-cident." Dorothy considered it a personal attack because the Tin Man was heartless and didn't apologize. The Lion lacked the courage to speak up against this atrocity of a joke.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    My ex-wife, who was deaf, left me for another deaf man.

    To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    "How's the ventroliquism going?"

    "Not good."

    "But I got you that ventriloquism for dummies book."

    "I don't think he read it."

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    One of the best natural examples of dad humor cropped up a few months ago in The Adventure Zone, after the party killed a large lobster-like creature:

    Dad: We need some kind of butter spell.
    Son: It would need to be clarified.
    Dad: Well, see, it would be a SPELL that makes BUTTER.

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I always check the coin return on vending machines, because I believe in change.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    We had a program at the library where teens could learn how to create art using cut-paper collage. It was so popular that we ran out of the big butcher paper "canvasses" and we had to break everyone down into pairs to collaborate on one collage.

    Everything went pretty well, except right before she dismissed all the teens, the art teacher yelled "Wake up!"

    I asked her why she did that, and she explained,
    "I had to wake them up. They were all co-Matisse."

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Rejection: its all about who you no

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Jedoc wrote: »
    One of the best natural examples of dad humor cropped up a few months ago in The Adventure Zone, after the party killed a large lobster-like creature:

    Dad: We need some kind of butter spell.
    Son: It would need to be clarified.
    Dad: Well, see, it would be a SPELL that makes BUTTER.

    Clint is such a delight.

    BLM - ACAB
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Two nuns were driving down the road with their Mother Superior to a local market when a deer jumped out in front of their station wagon; the nun who was driving, being a kindhearted and timid soul, swerved to miss the deer and ended up plowing into a cemetery.

    Upon opening their eyes in Heaven, the cloistered Brides of Christ were met by St. Peter in front of a tremendous gate of hammered gold, polished pearl columns and ethically-sourced diamond hinges. The nuns wept with joy at their surroundings and bowed reverently before a smiling St. Peter.

    "Ladies, welcome to Heaven, you'll find nothing but the finest accommodations waiting for you. Before you enter, I must ask you a simple question to prove your faith, but since you've all done such a fantastic job so far on Earth, the questions will be very simple."

    *ahem*

    "Sister Mary Margaret?"

    "Yes, Your Saintliness?"

    "What was the name of the first woman?"

    "Oh! It was Eve!"

    "Right you are, be on your way and enjoy the cabana boys. Sister Margaret Mary?"

    "Yes, Your Saintliness?"

    "Where did Eve first live?"

    "Oh! It was The garden Eden!"

    "Correct. On your way and make sure to hit up the blackjack table. Mother Superior?"

    "Yes, Your Saintliness?"

    "You have a considerable amount of biblical knowledge at your fingertips what with all of your years of study, so it's only equitable to require a bit of a challenge. Are you ready?"

    "Yes, Your Saintliness!"

    "Okey-dokey. What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

    "Oh my. That's a hard one."

    "Yep, in you go."

    Darth Waiter on
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    StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    While that is a good joke

    I think it is the line "swerved to miss the deer and ended up plowing into a cemetery" that has me laughing the hardest

    Straightzi on
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    KupiKupi Registered User regular
    You guys hear about the Israeli ninja?

    He was feared across the Middle East for his Jew Jutsu.

    My favorite musical instrument is the air-raid siren.
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    A supervillain hatched a plot to steal all the herbs on Earth. He claimed he would then be free to spend as long as he needed to come up with more nefarious schemes.

    His minion asked, "How?"

    He responded,
    "I'll have all the thyme in the world!"

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    A supervillain hatched a plot to steal all the herbs on Earth. He claimed he would then be free to spend as long as he needed to come up with more nefarious schemes.

    His minion asked, "How?"

    He responded,
    "I'll have all the thyme in the world!"

    Mussolini had looked into locomotives that could burn herbs for operation.
    After all, he had said he would make the trains run on thyme.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    GoatmonGoatmon Companion of Kess Registered User regular
    WordLust wrote: »
    "How's the ventroliquism going?"

    "Not good."

    "But I got you that ventriloquism for dummies book."

    "I don't think he read it."

    GOD DAMN IT

    Switch Friend Code: SW-6680-6709-4204


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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    How many apples grow on a tree?
    All of them.

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    McFodderMcFodder Registered User regular
    Important context! I'm a finance broker based out of a small car dealership.

    Just messaged my fiancee to say that I just had a couple come in to the yard but couldn't get them approved because they have some big bills in front of them.
    r0f5fqsmt2nd.jpg

    Bonus joke: When customers are walking around salesmen often refer to them as 'ducks on the pond', because usually all you can see is their head above the roofs of the cars. So my friends in the industry got that one first.

    Switch Friend Code: SW-3944-9431-0318
    PSN / Xbox / NNID: Fodder185
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Where did Noah keep all the bees?
    In the ark hives

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    knitdan wrote: »
    Where did Noah keep all the bees?
    After all the A's but before all the C's

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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    Jedoc wrote: »
    knitdan wrote: »
    Where did Noah keep all the bees?
    Above the seas

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    To the guy who invented the number zero:

    Thanks for nothing.

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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    To the guy who invented the number zero:

    Thanks for nothing.

    Yeah, that one was a real goose egg

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    pimentopimento she/they/pim Registered User regular
    Houk wrote: »
    To the guy who invented the number zero:

    Thanks for nothing.

    Yeah, that one was a real goose egg

    Wouldn't even give that person a doughnut.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Famed Spanish mathematician Nil El Zilcho? I love that guy!

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    My last job was in an M&M factory

    I got fired for throwing out all the Ws

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
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    Money laundering, a salt, and battery.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
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    Money laundering, a salt, and battery.

    Salt's in for a 11 year sentence cause he did a real number on his neighbor, Maggie.

    MichaelLC on
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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Me: Did you know that the guy that owns those residences is completely obsessed with apartments?

    Megan: ...Huh?

    Me: You could say he has an apartment complex.

    Megan: I am going to hurt you.

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    What's the worst part of working in a muffler shop?
    It's so exhausting.

    BLM - ACAB
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    Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    Me: Did you know that the guy that owns those residences is completely obsessed with apartments?

    Megan: ...Huh?

    Me: You could say he has an apartment complex.

    Megan: I am going to hurt you.

    To be fair, no jury would convict her.

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Hey guys, what did the mechanic say when he was taking in old cars?
    Parting is such sweet sorrow.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Me: Did you know that the guy that owns those residences is completely obsessed with apartments?

    Megan: ...Huh?

    Me: You could say he has an apartment complex.

    Megan: I am going to hurt you.

    To be fair, no jury would convict her.

    I just made up another joke!

    What's the best way to go to trial for pirating music?
    With a jury of your peers.

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    There was a guy Frank who maintained a stretch of river.

    One day, a doe was complaining to him, asking why the water was too shallow for swimming.

    He replied,
    "Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam."

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Me: Did you know that the guy that owns those residences is completely obsessed with apartments?

    Megan: ...Huh?

    Me: You could say he has an apartment complex.

    Megan: I am going to hurt you.

    To be fair, no jury would convict her.

    I just made up another joke!

    What's the best way to go to trial for pirating music?
    With a jury of your peers.

    But only if you plant a seed of doubt.

    camo_sig2.png
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    mildlymorbidmildlymorbid Registered User regular
    What did the gangster cat catch?
    Meow, see?

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    GoldenSeducerGoldenSeducer AAAAAUGH!! Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    This is an exchange I had last night with my husband:

    Me: I have someone I'd like you to meet.

    Him: Who?

    Me: *reveals step-stool* I'd like to introduce my step-stool. My real stool was never really involved in my life.

    Him: *rolls eyes*

    Edit- and as if on cue, my daughter started crying. It was for something totally unrelated. Really.

    GoldenSeducer on
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