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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Too bad you only showed him a stool sample.

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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    The top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival:
    "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
    "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
    "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
    "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
    "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
    "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
    "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
    "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
    "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
    "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
    "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
    "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
    "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
    "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
    "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith

    Haha.

    MichaelLC on
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    My sheep kept trying to go the other way but I reminded them that ewe-turns are illegal.

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    AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    My sheep kept trying to go the other way but I reminded them that ewe-turns are illegal.

    Cloning has to be evil, because nothing good can come from Scotsmen doing odd things to sheep.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Bedlam wrote: »
    My sheep kept trying to go the other way but I reminded them that ewe-turns are illegal.

    Cloning has to be evil, because nothing good can come from Scotsmen doing odd things to sheep.

    What's the difference between a Scot and a Beetle?
    one says "Hey you, get off my cloud" and the other says "Hey Mcloud, get offa my ewe!"

    Edit: A shocking twist. By mangling the joke, I've proven that I was the worst joke all along.

    destroyah87 on
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    Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    Beatle*

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Er, isn't Get Off of My Cloud a song by those budget Beatles, the Rolling Stones?

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Would you look at that. My face sure is red.

    Bungled the leadin to a bad joke with a borderline offensive punchline. Yay.

    Just leaving that up there, warts and all, as an example of how not to bad joke.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Er, isn't Get Off of My Cloud a song by those budget Beatles, the Rolling Stones?

    How are a Scotsman and a rolling stone the same?
    Sheep run away from both of them.
    Because they don't like bad music.

    MichaelLC on
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    PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    e00i1pm43iyo.jpeg
    There are a bunch of Peanuts character statues in the Minneapolis area. This one is at the Best Buy headquarters.

    V1zZJj9.jpg

    Perrsun on
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    OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel floof Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Perrsun wrote: »
    e00i1pm43iyo.jpeg
    There are a bunch of Peanuts character statues in the Minneapolis area. This one is at the Best Buy headquarters.

    ( I am trying to upload the photo of the closer view of his feet as well but mobile forums hates me )



    l8k86

    I don't get it.

    OmnipotentBagel on
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    PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    I fixed it. The jokes are more apparent now.

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    OmnipotentBagelOmnipotentBagel floof Registered User regular
    I would probably listen to The Beagles.

    cdci44qazyo3.gif

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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    I need some good (ie) bad caving/spelunking puns for a friend's birthday cake.

    Any ideas?

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    pimentopimento she/they/pim Registered User regular
    Make a big cake, punch a goddamn catastrophe in there, cram some tealights in it, slam it onto the table and then leave the country.

    I'm not good at cakes.

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    I need some good (ie) bad caving/spelunking puns for a friend's birthday cake.

    Any ideas?

    Best I can think of is something that's probably better to put on a birthday card honestly: "I stalagmite not wish you a Happy Birthday if we weren't so stalactite."

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    TofystedethTofystedeth Registered User regular
    Stealing this one from a coworker.

    Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    Piton your party hats, it's <Friend>'s birthday!

    Here's to one more year of somehow not dying alone in the merciless blackness beneath the earth!

    I didn't want to make this stupid cake, but then I caved.

    Jedoc on
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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    I need some good (ie) bad caving/spelunking puns for a friend's birthday cake.

    Any ideas?

    Frajer Reunion 2010

    BLM - ACAB
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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    I groaned out load reading this.

    We got a winner!

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    I groaned out load reading this.

    We got a winner!

    It's stalagtite pun, though.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    I groaned out load reading this.

    We got a winner!

    Yesss. My terrible affliction can occasionally be used for good.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    chromdomchromdom Who? Where?Registered User regular
    This is an exchange I had last night with my husband:

    Me: I have someone I'd like you to meet.

    Him: Who?

    Me: *reveals step-stool* I'd like to introduce my step-stool. My real stool was never really involved in my life.

    Him: *rolls eyes*

    Edit- and as if on cue, my daughter started crying. It was for something totally unrelated. Really.

    I'm watching Louis CK Live at the Comedy Store on Netflix, and the warm up guy almost told this same joke; he just used a step ladder instead.
    Also he really didn't seem to be very good, but I don't know if that was just filmed that way for the special or what.

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    Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    In the old mill part of Leeds, there's a faux-Egyptian temple that one of the mill owners built.

    My comments when we went to see it yesterday:

    "Did he just build one, or is it part of a Set?"

    "It's open to the public - just toot 'n' come in."

    "I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    In the old mill part of Leeds, there's a faux-Egyptian temple that one of the mill owners built.

    My comments when we went to see it yesterday:

    "Did he just build one, or is it part of a Set?"

    "It's open to the public - just toot 'n' come in."

    "I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."

    Just had to Ramses puns down our throats, huh?

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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    RP you are a Bast turd

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    "I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."

    Mrs. Rhesus probably stays with you because of your pharaohmones.

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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    I groaned out load reading this.

    We got a winner!

    This ended up being a big hit, she loved/hated the cake.

    When I bought it and was checking out, the cashier read it out twice and let out an audible groan.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Make a wish! It stalagmite come true!

    I groaned out load reading this.

    We got a winner!

    This ended up being a big hit, she loved/hated the cake.

    When I bought it and was checking out, the cashier read it out twice and let out an audible groan.

    Now we are all sons of bitches.

    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    "I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."

    Mrs. Rhesus probably stays with you because of your pharaohmones.

    pharaomones...

    aramones...

    amones-ra...

    *gasp*

    AMUN RA

    *da vinci code broken*

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    GoldenSeducerGoldenSeducer AAAAAUGH!! Registered User regular
    These ancient Egyptian jokes are tomb-uch for me.

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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    These ancient Egyptian jokes are tomb-uch for me.

    Amen.

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    "I'm surprised you haven't Khuft me over the head by now."

    Mrs. Rhesus probably stays with you because of your pharaohmones.

    HEtgqC4.jpg

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    WordLustWordLust Fort Wayne, INRegistered User regular
    These ancient Egyptian jokes are tomb-uch for me.

    tut tut :x

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    We could market these jokes and create a nu bisiness.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    We could market these jokes and create a nu bisiness.

    Then we'd be all set.

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    destroyah87destroyah87 They/Them Preferred: She/Her - Please UseRegistered User regular
    Bunch of old Giza jokes in here I see.

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    pimentopimento she/they/pim Registered User regular
    facetious wrote: »
    We could market these jokes and create a nu bisiness.

    Sounds like a pyramid scheme.

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    see317see317 Registered User regular
    Houk wrote: »
    facetious wrote: »
    We could market these jokes and create a nu bisiness.

    Then we'd be all set.

    Well, setesh.

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