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The Even Worse Joke Thread

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Posts

  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I still don't understand
    His name isnt Margaret.

    JayKaosRhesus PositiveSirToastyToxElvenshaeAbsurdPropositionKetarLegacyJoolanderSlacker71kime
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    It's a bad one-liner, Margaret is trying to be friendly but the man is not interested in having a conversation.

    I'll try another.

    Why do cows wear bells?

    Because their horns don't work.

    BedlamKruiteElvenshaeHeadCreepskime
  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    Ah, one of these:
    President Calvin Coolidge was known as “Silent Cal” because of his extraordinarily laconic speech. A famous anecdote tells of a dinner party during which the person sitting adjacent to the Coolidge said: “Mr. President I’ve made a large bet that I would be able to make you say more than two words.”
    Coolidge considered this proposition carefully and then replied slowly and emphatically, “You lose.”

    I was thrown by davidsdurions post about different accents.

    Ringo wrote: »
    Well except what see317 said. That guy's always wrong.
    honoverejoshofalltradeschromdomSirToastyToxvalhalla130BedlamMichaelLCknitdansarukunMunkus BeaverkimeThe Escape Goat
  • PerrsunPerrsun Registered User regular
    I know a Brit who forced his son to join the clergy. There's no doubt he's living vicariously.

    I know this is a month old... but I don’t get it.

  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks San DiegoRegistered User regular
    Perrsun wrote: »
    I know a Brit who forced his son to join the clergy. There's no doubt he's living vicariously.

    I know this is a month old... but I don’t get it.

    A vicar is basically a leader of a local church, usually I've seen in reference to one in a small English village.

    BedlamElvenshaevalhalla130knitdansarukunPerrsunSlacker71The Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

    ...

    "Dam!"

    Metzger MeisterSlacker71The Escape Goat
  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular

    Wishlists! General | Gaming | Comics | Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
    Diplominatorchrishallett83ElvenshaechromdomdjmitchellajoshofalltradesironsizideSlacker71kimeDisruptedCapitalistThe Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Country Grammar is Nelly's best album, yeah"

    Rhesus PositiveMetzger MeisterironsizideSlacker71The Escape Goat
  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

    Wishlists! General | Gaming | Comics | Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
    ElvenshaeSmrtnikChalldarunia106chromdomMichaelLCknitdanironsizideJansonSlacker71Munkus BeaverHeadCreepssarukunThe Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    Tox wrote: »
    Two muffins were in the oven, one said "wow it's getting hot in here"

    The other said "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

    Yeah I didn't want to go with something THAT obvious and played-out.

    So here's something fresh and new and exciting:

    What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?
    A Golden Retriever

    JansonSlacker71Rhesus PositiveToxPolaritiekime
  • McFodderMcFodder irregular 'SploringRegistered User regular
    Not a Golden Receiver?

    Switch Friend Code: SW-3944-9431-0318
    PSN / NNID: Fodder185
    destroyah87pimentoSmrtnikfacetiousRhesus Positivechrishallett83TynnanPlatyToxAnialosAbsurdPropositionThe Escape GoatJoolander
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    god damned shitfucking autocorrect motherfucker!!!

    ElvenshaeMcFodderBedlamMichaelLCJansonchromdomknitdanSirToastysarukunRhesus PositiveJedocLegacyPlatydestroyah87djmitchellatzeentchlingironsizideToxAnialosPolaritieOut Of ContextkimeSlacker71DisruptedCapitalistThe Escape GoatsponoInvectivusNitsua
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    I freaked out the plumber by opening the front door naked.

    I don't know what shocked him more - that I was naked, or that I opened HIS front door...

    Rhesus PositiveSlacker71Lucedes
  • MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    edited October 31
    McFodder wrote: »
    Not a Golden Receiver?

    ArfCA?
    Woofinghouse?

    MichaelLC on
    "Never believe management about anything anywhere." -Aistan
    chrishallett83
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    WiFido
    CockapUHF

    chrishallett83Polaritie
  • knitdanknitdan Oh no Too much hornyRegistered User regular
    Blueticktooth Hound

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
    chrishallett83MichaelLC
  • BlitzAce1981BlitzAce1981 Registered User regular
    Couple of puns from work today:

    1) The lab manager has a drawer full of chocolate/snacks. Someone brought in a training certificate, mentioning to keep it in a safe place, jokingly saying "like your chocolate drawer."
    I pipe up with, "You mean betwixt the Twix?"

    2) One of the other guys in the lab is taking part in Movember. Considering he hasn't shaved in 6 years, he's been getting a lot of comments all day, including people interrupting themselves to say "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BEARD?!" The technical manager walks in at the end of the day, and comments on how well he's dealt with the jokes.
    I immediately say, "He's taken it on the chin."

    They're probably glad I'm not in next week.

    PSN ID - BlitzAce1981 FFXIV - Raiden Solitaire (Sargatanas)
    destroyah87MichaelLCElvenshaedavidsdurionstzeentchlingchrishallett83kimeRhesus PositiveSlacker71valhalla130Metzger MeisterToxCurly_BraceMcFoddersarukunThe Escape GoatJansonAnialos
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    What is the tallest piece of furniture?
    The bookcase. Because it has the most stories!

    kimeRhesus PositiveSlacker71djmitchellaElvenshaeToxHeadCreepsSporkAndrewThe Escape Goatironsizide
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    One time I tried to boil a funny bone.

    But all I ended up with is a laughing stock.

    destroyah87PolaritiekimechromdomElvenshaeSirToastyRhesus PositiveProlegomenaHeadCreepsBlitzAce1981JedocMichaelLCworksintheoryToxjoshofalltradesdavidsdurionsMcFodderDisruptedCapitalistsarukunSporkAndrewLucedesThe Escape GoatsponodjmitchellaironsizideOut Of ContextGoose!Slacker71
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    I just bought a book on demon legislation

    It's kinda focused on one topic

    Possession is nine tenths of the law

    ElvenshaetzeentchlingchromdomToxjoshofalltradesMcFodderDisruptedCapitalistsarukunSporkAndrewPolaritieThe Escape GoatOut Of Context
  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    One time I tried to boil a funny bone.

    But all I ended up with is a laughing stock.

    That's not very humerus.

    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, be warned: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
    joshofalltradesPlatychromdom
  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    What kind of bread hurts?
    Briouch.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
    JedocDisruptedCapitalistkime
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Realtor Santa ClaritaRegistered User regular
    The French word for bread is pain.

    sarukunkime
  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    I know. I used that as a misdirect.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
    Rhesus Positivesarukunkime
  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    o/' 99 bugs in my code,
    99 little bugs.
    Take one down;
    Patch it around...
    127 bugs in my code. o/'

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
    PolaritieironsizideMcFodderDisruptedCapitalistMichaelLCvalhalla130HeadCreepssarukunkimeSlacker71PaperLuigi44
  • JedocJedoc Take a look. It's in a book. It was always in a book, you fool.Registered User regular
  • tzeentchlingtzeentchling Doctor of Rocks San DiegoRegistered User regular
    People are so judgemental. I can tell just by looking at them.

    valhalla130sarukunElvenshaeDisruptedCapitalistjoshofalltradeskimeSlacker71The Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
    Because they're so good at it!

    SporkAndrewWiseManTobesElvenshaeDisruptedCapitalistdavidsdurionschromdomjoshofalltradeskimeThe Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    And now, I bring you a joke from...

    *spooky music and sound effects*

    THE INTERNET!!

    (I'm gonna have to re-write it a tiny bit because the word 'panties' makes me wanna gouge my fucking eyes out)

    Why do so many pairs of women's underwear have flowers on them?
    They're in memory of all the faces that were buried there.

  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    PANTSU~!!!

  • knitdanknitdan Oh no Too much hornyRegistered User regular
    Chris

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
    joshofalltradessarukunSlacker71The Escape Goat
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    Dan

  • knitdanknitdan Oh no Too much hornyRegistered User regular
    Panties

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Amazon: shorturl.at/giJSV Steam: shorturl.at/ftCLSRegistered User regular
    Ugh

  • JedocJedoc Take a look. It's in a book. It was always in a book, you fool.Registered User regular
    A Psychological Thriller In Four Acts

    GDdCWMm.jpg
    Rhesus PositivedavidsdurionsSmrtnikDisruptedCapitalistchrishallett83joshofalltradesTamerBillBionicPenguinchromdomOut Of Contextdarunia106valhalla130ironsizideMcFoddersarukunSlacker71HeadCreepsThe Escape GoatPerrsun
  • FearghaillFearghaill If there is nothing but what we make in this world let us make goodRegistered User regular
    For this joke I give you the Wikipedia article on different species of whales and dolphins, and what one enterprising editor did when there weren't photos available for all of them
    2by3j970zxwd.png

    Rhesus Positivesee317ElvenshaedavidsdurionsJoolandervalhalla130Toxjoshofalltradeschrishallett83Goose!darunia106McFodderLucedesSporkAndrewMichaelLCJedocIvardestroyah87Slacker71Metzger MeisterOut Of ContextdjmitchellaSirToastyFlarnetzeentchlingUrielKruiteTynnanTamerBillThe Escape GoatLindsay LohanhonoverePlatyPolaritie
  • TayaTaya Hit refresh Registered User regular
    Somebody at work brought in some Laffy Taffy leftover from Halloween. There are jokes on the wrappers:

    Why did the boy bring a fishing net to bed?
    He wanted to catch some Z's.

    What's spicy but cold in the winter?
    Chilly peppers

    What did the egg day to the frying pan?
    You crack me up.

    What type of pic do you take with a surfer?
    A surfie

    What did the foot say to the mosquito?
    "Shoe" fly!

    What type of witch can you bring to the beach?
    A "sand" wich.

    djmitchellakimeElvenshaeToxSlacker71Curly_BraceLucedes
  • PinfeldorfPinfeldorf Realtor Santa ClaritaRegistered User regular
    That last one is the only one in the batch I'd seen before. And I have eaten hundreds of Laffy Taffys.

    kime
  • BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
  • sarukunsarukun Mr. Bulldopps Get SchwiftyRegistered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    1ukRNH6.jpg

    God
    DAMMIT

    Bedlamjoshofalltradesvalhalla130ToxSlacker71davidsdurionschrishallett83McFodderfacetiousHeadCreeps
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