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All my goals are falling apart
HoHoHoldUp
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey everyone, I threw together this account after seeing a similar problem being addressed on this forum. I don't know where else to put it, and I really need some advice at this point in my life.
I'm 18, and I moved out of my parent's house about a month after my birthday. I moved in with a friend who gave me tips on how to live on my own, how to save money, etc. etc. It was what I needed at that point, and I can't thank him for his help enough. Fast forward a few months, and a friend of my friend's from college has moved in with us to help save on rent. I didn't really mind; he's a cool guy.
Eventually, while my parents think I'm going to college, I realize how much I'm losing my mind while going. It was a very liberal college, and while I'm rather liberal in my beliefs, the students were unbearable, the teachers loud and opinionated on topics that weren't even relevant to their subject, and all of my classes were on opposite sides of the campus from each other. So I stopped going to college after another month, since I realized it wasn't going to get any better. I put together a business plan (that my business-owning father said was well put-together, college-level) and pitched it to my friend's grandfather, who likes to invest in small businesses. It was a game publishing company, and my friend, who is a rather skilled programmer, would head the company's in-house development team. My friend's grandfather agreed to invest $5,000 (in increments of $1,000 whenever we needed more), and we'd pay him back once it was said and done, plus interest.
I finally didn't care that my parents were financially supporting my brother and my sister without question, but wouldn't do the same for me unless I attended college. I had a business. So I got the business registered with the government, trademarked the name and logo, and worked with my friend on the game. I wrote the music and story for it, while I looked for an artist to hire. My friend didn't like any of the artists I sent his way, so we couldn't work with them.
Long story short though, because I'm getting really bummed out recounting all of this, my friend (whose rent I was paying with the investment so he could make the game full-time) stopped working on the game for a couple of months, even though he claimed he was. At this point, I was using my personal money to pay his rent ($500, which he suggested, even though it was way more than what he'd earned). He then moved out without warning, leaving me to pay the rent for his last month. To this day, he's paid me back $200 for the over $1,500 he wasted. I'm also in the hole $500 with my friend's friend that stayed with us; I lent him the money to fend off the debt collectors that were hounding him, and he bought a new phone with it.
Later, I heard from my new room mate that stayed in contact with my friend that he'd claimed I "didn't pull my weight," and that he'd "felt used." I'd be fine with this if it was even remotely true, since I took on all the cost of the business and registering it, I wrote the business plan, I pitched it to investors, I set up the bank account, and I wrote the music and story for the game that he insisted we make. (And side-note, he canceled our original game project midway through because he wanted to throw together a simpler game to get our names out there. A simpler game that he expanded and expanded until it was bigger than the original.) When I brought all of this up with him, he essentially claimed he'd "cleaned up for me too often," even though I never asked him to enter my space and clean it, and he felt overwhelmed with everyone's problems, even though he constantly pestered everyone on how they were feeling, and he'd never let up if they wouldn't say.
I just feel screwed. I'm poor as hell now, moved back in with my parents, and I don't know what to do. I've worked so many customer service minimum-wage jobs that I just can't go back to it. I can't handle the idea of college, especially with the "you're not allowed to offend anyone for anything" mentality that's sweeping the nation's campuses. My chest has this constant heavy feeling to it, and breathing sometimes becomes difficult. Not physically, but emotionally; like I literally have to force myself to breathe. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I didn't give a crap about that when my plans for my business were coming together. My parents don't support me in the same way they support my older brother and sister (which I suspect is because my bro and sis got their significant other's pregnant, and they're now very young parents). Am I supposed to get my girlfriend pregnant to be treated even a little fairly in comparison? (That's hyperbolic, I may be 18, but I'm not that stupid.)
After a lot of pestering, my parents have agreed to help me go to culinary school, which is something I've wanted to do for a while, but at this point, I can't even bring myself to be excited about it. It took two years of me asking, and the whole time, they insisted that it wouldn't be good for me. It feels like my parents only started caring when I invoked FAFSA (US student aid), saying I'd have to use that (they insist on paying for my education). But even if I'd wanted to, my parents are so wealthy, I doubt the government would give me anything. And because they insisted I learn the much more in-detail degree, I can't only go on weekends, so finding a job is going to be even more ridiculously frustrating.
I feel empty. I hate sounding like a spoiled brat, or like a broken record, but I honestly feel empty. I find myself wishing I didn't have a girlfriend or a brother that cares so that I could rev my engine and drive into a tree hard enough for it to kill me. I've had to fight for things that I want. I only got financial help when I agreed to go to a college that I hated, while my brother gets his apartment paid for and a well-paying job working for my dad, and my sister has my parents buy a house for her while she works for them to help pay it off. What am I supposed to do? I wanted that business so badly, I poured so much of myself into it over a year, and my friend's laziness and negligence completely fucked me over. I don't know what to do. Being in this house with my parents treating me like I'm 16 is draining me more than I can articulate. And I've only been here for two days.
I'm 18, and I moved out of my parent's house about a month after my birthday. I moved in with a friend who gave me tips on how to live on my own, how to save money, etc. etc. It was what I needed at that point, and I can't thank him for his help enough. Fast forward a few months, and a friend of my friend's from college has moved in with us to help save on rent. I didn't really mind; he's a cool guy.
Eventually, while my parents think I'm going to college, I realize how much I'm losing my mind while going. It was a very liberal college, and while I'm rather liberal in my beliefs, the students were unbearable, the teachers loud and opinionated on topics that weren't even relevant to their subject, and all of my classes were on opposite sides of the campus from each other. So I stopped going to college after another month, since I realized it wasn't going to get any better. I put together a business plan (that my business-owning father said was well put-together, college-level) and pitched it to my friend's grandfather, who likes to invest in small businesses. It was a game publishing company, and my friend, who is a rather skilled programmer, would head the company's in-house development team. My friend's grandfather agreed to invest $5,000 (in increments of $1,000 whenever we needed more), and we'd pay him back once it was said and done, plus interest.
I finally didn't care that my parents were financially supporting my brother and my sister without question, but wouldn't do the same for me unless I attended college. I had a business. So I got the business registered with the government, trademarked the name and logo, and worked with my friend on the game. I wrote the music and story for it, while I looked for an artist to hire. My friend didn't like any of the artists I sent his way, so we couldn't work with them.
Long story short though, because I'm getting really bummed out recounting all of this, my friend (whose rent I was paying with the investment so he could make the game full-time) stopped working on the game for a couple of months, even though he claimed he was. At this point, I was using my personal money to pay his rent ($500, which he suggested, even though it was way more than what he'd earned). He then moved out without warning, leaving me to pay the rent for his last month. To this day, he's paid me back $200 for the over $1,500 he wasted. I'm also in the hole $500 with my friend's friend that stayed with us; I lent him the money to fend off the debt collectors that were hounding him, and he bought a new phone with it.
Later, I heard from my new room mate that stayed in contact with my friend that he'd claimed I "didn't pull my weight," and that he'd "felt used." I'd be fine with this if it was even remotely true, since I took on all the cost of the business and registering it, I wrote the business plan, I pitched it to investors, I set up the bank account, and I wrote the music and story for the game that he insisted we make. (And side-note, he canceled our original game project midway through because he wanted to throw together a simpler game to get our names out there. A simpler game that he expanded and expanded until it was bigger than the original.) When I brought all of this up with him, he essentially claimed he'd "cleaned up for me too often," even though I never asked him to enter my space and clean it, and he felt overwhelmed with everyone's problems, even though he constantly pestered everyone on how they were feeling, and he'd never let up if they wouldn't say.
I just feel screwed. I'm poor as hell now, moved back in with my parents, and I don't know what to do. I've worked so many customer service minimum-wage jobs that I just can't go back to it. I can't handle the idea of college, especially with the "you're not allowed to offend anyone for anything" mentality that's sweeping the nation's campuses. My chest has this constant heavy feeling to it, and breathing sometimes becomes difficult. Not physically, but emotionally; like I literally have to force myself to breathe. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I didn't give a crap about that when my plans for my business were coming together. My parents don't support me in the same way they support my older brother and sister (which I suspect is because my bro and sis got their significant other's pregnant, and they're now very young parents). Am I supposed to get my girlfriend pregnant to be treated even a little fairly in comparison? (That's hyperbolic, I may be 18, but I'm not that stupid.)
After a lot of pestering, my parents have agreed to help me go to culinary school, which is something I've wanted to do for a while, but at this point, I can't even bring myself to be excited about it. It took two years of me asking, and the whole time, they insisted that it wouldn't be good for me. It feels like my parents only started caring when I invoked FAFSA (US student aid), saying I'd have to use that (they insist on paying for my education). But even if I'd wanted to, my parents are so wealthy, I doubt the government would give me anything. And because they insisted I learn the much more in-detail degree, I can't only go on weekends, so finding a job is going to be even more ridiculously frustrating.
I feel empty. I hate sounding like a spoiled brat, or like a broken record, but I honestly feel empty. I find myself wishing I didn't have a girlfriend or a brother that cares so that I could rev my engine and drive into a tree hard enough for it to kill me. I've had to fight for things that I want. I only got financial help when I agreed to go to a college that I hated, while my brother gets his apartment paid for and a well-paying job working for my dad, and my sister has my parents buy a house for her while she works for them to help pay it off. What am I supposed to do? I wanted that business so badly, I poured so much of myself into it over a year, and my friend's laziness and negligence completely fucked me over. I don't know what to do. Being in this house with my parents treating me like I'm 16 is draining me more than I can articulate. And I've only been here for two days.
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In life you frequently will have to work with customers and coworkers that hold different value systems than your own. College is extremely simple and easy way to deal with such things, if you can't deal with other value systems in the no-commitment and literally no-risk college environment you will never amount to anything in any business field, especially in game development.
And, I mean, no-commitment and no-risk is certainly not the correct way to describe college.
That said, maybe try a different college if that one bothers you so much? Or talk to the dean about feeling harassed?
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
edit: whoopsie
Don't get a degree in culinary arts. "Cook" is one of those very hard work for a very low wage jobs, and working in the restaurant business in any capacity sucks. The SE++ Jobs thread would be happy to provide horror stories if asked.
And as someone who both leans conservative and lived at their parents' house for way too long, grit your teeth and get through your day with both issues. While I agree that it's ridiculous to ask that question off the bat in a math class it's not worth getting yelled at or ostracized by your fellow students over. Say what they want you to say and blend in. Once you graduate you'll most likely never see those people ever again and you can deal with the issue as you please. And while it's natural to hate being treated like a child when you're an adult they're being very generous in allowing you to live rent-free in their home. Smile, be polite, and volunteer with chores.
You sound like someone who knows what he wants and has a good work ethic. Best of luck to you!
I was just saying that a math class at a college shouldn't be more concerned with its students being referred to as "he," "she," or whatever it is they prefer, rather than simply teaching the course. College is there for education, or at least that's what I was told. My response was literally, "I'd rather not say," and the teacher berated me for the next minute for not being thoughtful of other people's feelings.
Of course there's more to everything than I felt the energy to type (because I'm honestly really depressed right now), so I won't take the aggression personally (I truly do appreciate the intent behind it, no sarcasm).
I just don't think it's fair to insist that people provide pronouns at the start of a math class out of "respect." It'd be equally fair to say that it's disrespectful to people who're there to learn, not to get to know everyone in the room.
I can definitely understand that, and I do respect it. Outright refusing to use someone's pronouns when you know what they are is extremely rude, I'm not denying that. Asking it at the start of class is alright, but absolutely insisting that everyone answers is out of line. Not everyone has a different pronoun than what they were born with, and the harassment that those with them feel doesn't grant them the right to harass. But honestly, that really wasn't the point of my post :P I'm bummed because everything I've done has just fallen flat on its face after a year of work and financial risk. I understand the apprehension people have on the highly-liberal internet towards my opinion that maybe not everyone should be required to answer every question posed to them, but it wasn't the reason I was here, to be honest. That last part wasn't meant to sound snarky or anything, I'm just very tired, I've obviously had a rough day, and I'm taking less care to phrase what I mean because of it. Apologies if it seemed overly-rude.
My only advice is to find out what makes you happy and keep that in mind. Find out how to maximize spending time doing the things you want and don't become a slave to a life style that you may not enjoy. I would also think twice about going to a culinary school cause it's a skill that you can learn by simply doing the job. I would ask yourself if you really want to focus on becoming a 'one trick pony', when it's so much easier if you have a degree that you can be flexible with. I know many people with engineering degrees who are bartenders, pilots, and not engineers.
I'm saying this because, hopefully from that situation you gained some real insight on the difficulties of that process. I'm sure your friend has his issues, but collaborative projects require everyone to recognize exactly how much they are bringing to the table, good management goes a long way. Hopefully you learned more there about yourself than you are letting on, because it's those sorts of failures you need in your life to have good understanding of your own limitations. That's something a lot of people actually gain in college, or sometimes from their first entry level positions.
You are going to have to take whatever your next step is very seriously, and with some humility. Working in foodservice/ in kitchens is not exactly an easy life path, and if liberal college drove you crazy, the realities of working in a kitchen may not be what you are looking for. That maybe what your parents are cautioning against, you don't go from culinary school to food channel, and pulling your weight in a restaurant is no fucking joke. I used to manage a small deli and my good friend was the owner, we made great food, but it was the most grueling work of my life.
I imagine that you parents are feeding and housing you right now. If you decide to go to culinary school, get fucking excited, because doing that with no debt on the other side is a huge opportunity. If you can't get excited, maybe you need to find some volunteer work and get out in the world and feel useful. Look into the americorp programs and put yourself in a new situation where you have to work.
Not trying to be rude, but c'mon. Accept other viewpoints, I'm not going out and attacking people; the way I think and the conclusions I draw don't affect anyone.
You are making a few mistakes here, I feel. Firstly, please do not seriously consider suicide at this stage. Failure is natural, everyone experiences it and you shouldn't feel isolated because of it. Also, don't directly compare your situation to that of your siblings. Just because they have a different situation than you, doesn't mean they aren't struggling in their own ways.
Please be aware how good you have things. Yes, living with your parents after being "on your own" can feel like a big step back in many ways. It isn't really, and it's very common. Appreciate what your parents have given you, regardless of how they treat your siblings. Life isn't fair, and between the college dropout and business woes it was your turn to get the shit end of the stick, and that is totally fine. It may feel insurmountable in the short term, but things will get better. You're only 18, most people much older than you still have no idea what they want for a career or out of schooling. These things take time.
Basically, this is the wake-up call. There will be times people disagree with you, and that's okay. There will be times when others receive treatment differently than you, and this too is okay. Constantly comparing yourself to others is never a good way of judging your situation.
Everyone fights hard for what they want. And a lot of the time, it isn't enough. Sometimes you try and try, over and over, and the results stay the same. I guess I would suggest not jumping right into cooking school, not at least without trying a simple cooking job first. I work as a cook and have for over 10 years, and it very much is a sink or swim kind of industry. I know plenty of terrible cooks who attended culinary school and a lot of amazing chefs who never set foot in one.
You could try not going to school. Try working for bit. Apply to different jobs, anything that sticks out to you. I have worked as a delivery driver, a shower door installer, in a packaging warehouse, in movie theatres, in landscaping and construction, and plenty more that probably barely count because I didn't stick around long. I wasn't amazing at every job and I certainly didn't love them all, but the point was I tried each one until I found something I liked doing.
Opportunity is a funny thing, because often it appears when you least expect it. I nearly hung myself two years ago, and today I manage a kitchen with some of my favorite people as coworkers and love my career. It's wasteful to give up so soon, when opportunities await you in places you can't even imagine yet.
You can do this. People care about you, love you, and want you to succeed no matter what it is you end up doing. What's important isn't immediate results, but putting in earnest effort.
The other stories you told have a similar focus on your own needs at the expense of others. Your friend was the sole programmer for this game, meaning he really was doing the bulk of the work - yet you call him lazy. Your parents are letting you live at home, presumably feeding and clothing you, yet all you can focus on is how much more they are doing for your siblings.
I'm not trying to demonize you, I think you're probably what most 18 year olds are like - self-focused and not easily able to genuinely see others as equal to that self. College is one of the places 18 year olds go to get over that self-absorption. But going into the workforce will do it, too. I would add my voice to others in stating that if you're going to go back to college, go for something you're genuinely interested in, and maybe wait before going back to figure out what that is for you.
About your depression question: if you're genuinely feeling suicidal ideation, that's not something we at this forum can really help you with. That's something you need to talk to a doctor about and maybe get some medication. You said you've already been diagnosed, but if you still feel "empty" then talk to your doctor about whatever treatment you're getting and that you don't think it's working. There's also the suicide prevention lifeline which is open 24hrs a day: 1-800-273-8255
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (A US crisis hotline site)
1-800-273-TALK (8255) (From the above site)