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A Guide to Monsters: Goblins

MeldingMelding Registered User regular
Goblins

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Goblins are an interesting category, as their exact origins are unknown. Testing has shown that goblins have a natural origin, but also can be traced back to fey and demonic ancestry, leading our researchers to speculate that they’re not from any of these places and instead are from an as of yet undiscovered place and simply naturize to their environments quickly. The other common theory is simply that they’re a creature prone to infestations and moved from our world to the hells, the fey wilds, and then wandered back as they show stronger connections to the natural world than anywhere else. We will likely never figure out the true answer, and luckily it doesn’t matter a whole lot to deal when dealing with them.

For the vast majority of the species a singular goblin is a trifling matter, it is when they start to gather and breed in numbers that they start becoming something of concern. Most towns and cities however have goblin exterminators stopping them from becoming a menace to population centers, as when goblins start reaching a critical mass they start to become a lure for more powerful creatures. Avoiding this build up is necessary to keep places generally safe as what goblins might bring in is seemingly random but always dangerous. Reporting known goblin infestations is your duty and should not be ignored, lest your settlement come under siege from a hungry ogre or worse.

Some basics about the goblins:


In general goblins aren’t stupid, most have some basic self awareness, and most know how to use tools and weapons though armour is beyond a lot of the smaller ones. Goblins don’t really build a society however, their main reason for gathering seems to simply to be for breeding and protection. Outside of this, violence between goblins living together doesn’t really decrees when compared to outsiders, and factoring in most goblin’s cannibalistic nature this is often a small source of food. So, it goes without saying that goblins are incredibly violent.

Goblin made crafts are beyond crude, most of their finer weapons are simply worn down larger weapons to fit their smaller hands. Seeing a goblin with a butcher knife ground down to resemble a sword is not uncommon, and while stupid looking is fairly dangerous as even if the edges aren’t the sharpest they’re probably covered in terrible diseases just looking for a way into you. Depending on surroundings their armours tend to range from sticks and branches tied to themselves, to “things that look like they could take a few hits” such as frying pans, pot lids, and anything that looks sturdy. Even the smarter goblins don’t have much skill in crafting, though their equipment tends to resemble the early iron ages as far as design goes.

Goblins however are very adaptable, if a tribe is under constant gun fire they will devise many ways to stop a bullet, most of them won’t work, but the smarter ones might go out in search for bulletproof vests and so on. Hobgoblins can be taught how to use firearms as well, though most do not understand how to maintain them, often rendering even the most well armed hobgoblins useless within weeks of obtaining their fancy toys. This leads to most modern people attempting to build an army of greenskins to give them modern muzzleloading muskets, which is fairly effective. Added in that they enjoy the recoil, they will often overload the gunpowder leading to some interesting shots. However, their general inability to aim well has historically made them poor archers and worse gunmen, and their general chaotic state of being lead to such arms to break down fairly quickly.

Some more on the goblin’s burrow:

As the goblin population grows so does what things are down to their dwellings. Typically this means more powerful goblins such as hobgoblins and bugbears, but after a certain power this also brings in lesser giants such as ogres, and finally minor demons and malevolent fey. Sometimes even humans will be drawn, often in hopes of using this unruly mob to get some kind of nebulas revenge, or to bolster their cult’s ranks for an impending event.

The means of how this happens is not at all understood, when burrows are searched there is no sign of ritual or even sacrifice. Attracting different goblins makes a certain amount of sense, pheromones and and stench alone can lead goblins to dens, even lesser giants it could simply be noticing a power base already present that they can browbeat into submission and servitude. But the best bet we have have now is that the residual radiation from the goblins attracts other worldly beings, and once it hits a high enough mass they can use it to fuel a jump over. This might kill a few weaker goblins, but no one involved would care.

Once in our world the general actions they take is to use the goblins as more fuel, either to gorge themselves on flesh to grow larger, or, sending the goblins into a breeding frenzy so the energies they put forth can pull in even larger things. It unknown if the goblins are aware of this, or even really care but most go along with it only a few cases has any burrow rebelled against the otherworldly being, and we only know about them because of how disastrously bad it went for all parties involved. This is also how we learned goblin infestations should not be ignored.

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Posts

  • DouglasDangerDouglasDanger PennsylvaniaRegistered User regular
    This is neat. I don't play any pen and paper RPGs, but I think pathfinder goblins are funny.

  • I needed anime to post.I needed anime to post. boom Registered User regular
    what's their fuckstyle

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  • Cojo MojoCojo Mojo Registered User regular
    Completely unrelated, but my family is planning on a weekend vacation at some town called Nilbog. Hear any good things about it?

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Cojo Mojo wrote: »
    Completely unrelated, but my family is planning on a weekend vacation at some town called Nilbog. Hear any good things about it?

    I hear it's very stilted and silly.

  • TallahasseerielTallahasseeriel Registered User regular
    But what is a goblins favorite genre of music?

  • RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator mod
    What exactly is the difference between goblins, gremlins, orcs and snotlings?

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  • RankenphileRankenphile Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator mod
    How do goblins breed? Do they birth a litter? Care for their young? What is their gestation period? Is it super, super gross when they bone, or is it true they grow out of fungal spores?

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  • ProhassProhass Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Is it true that goblins have to keep moving forward or theyll stop breathing?

    Prohass on
  • Duke 2.0Duke 2.0 Time Trash Cat Registered User regular
    I've heard many a tale of a Goblin King, suggesting a sort of society. What have you heard of this?

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    What exactly is the difference between goblins, gremlins, orcs and snotlings?

    Under current research, gremlins are considered a type of goblin, though they tend not to end up in burrows, and instead end up in scrap yards as they seem fascinated by taking apart machines.

    Orcs are currently classed under giants, which sometimes puts them into contact with goblin burrows to act as over bosses unless something more dangerous shows up, but there is no generic relationship there to be noted. Orcs also tend to have more formalized social structures compared to most goblins, and can be trained to drive a car. They do not like being called talking bears however.

    We don't have anything classed as snotlings, as that's probably under games workshop copyright and we don't want to go near that shit.
    Uriel wrote: »
    But what is a goblins favorite genre of music?

    If observation can be trusted, noise. as if at any time they are trying to make music, that's what it sounds like.

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    I've heard many a tale of a Goblin King, suggesting a sort of society. What have you heard of this?

    Most that take the title of "goblin king" tend to be outsiders attempting to corral the goblins into doing their business and not actually goblins themselves. Alternatively a goblin king is more like a rat king, however the hardiness and innate magic of the goblins tends to keep this abomination alive for a while, but it is more guardian monster than a leader.
    Prohass wrote: »
    Is it true that goblins have to keep moving forward or theyll stop breathing?

    No, that's sharks.
    How do goblins breed? Do they birth a litter? Care for their young? What is their gestation period? Is it super, super gross when they bone, or is it true they grow out of fungal spores?

    Goblins are basically mammals and breed as you might expect, litters for smaller goblins are between 8 and 20 live young, though many of those won't survive into adulthood. Larger ones have smaller litters and the bugbear tends to only have one per batch. All gestations peroids are fairly short, with even the largest being at most six months. some of the smaller goblisn can have as many as 5 litters in a year.

    Also it is probably super gross, i've never bothered to watch, as I'm usually on the team just gassing the whole nest cause fuck going in there.

  • OlivawOlivaw good name, isn't it? the foot of mt fujiRegistered User regular
    What is the difference between a goblin and a kobold

    Further, is the hobgoblin a relation to the goblin, or a different species entirely named simply due to a vague resemblance

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  • JoolanderJoolander Registered User regular
    Do goblins hate spiders as much as I've been led to believe? And if so, why?

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Olivaw wrote: »
    What is the difference between a goblin and a kobold

    Further, is the hobgoblin a relation to the goblin, or a different species entirely named simply due to a vague resemblance

    Goblins are a weird human shaped semi-intelligent rat thing that over time ruins your property value, a kobold is in the dragon family though is to a dragon what a shrew is to a whale. like you can make the connection but one is mighty, strong, inteligent, attractive, and powerful, and the other is a kobold. Who almost no one likes, because they're a dumb nerd. Get out of here Kobold! No one likes you and you smell bad!

    The hobgoblin is a genetic relative to the goblin, though likely doesn't share many common ancestors, they are a wolf to the goblin's Pomeranian. Or the gorilla to the goblin's those tiny monkeys that eat their own poop. that's far more accurate, because goblins eat their own poop.

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Joolander wrote: »
    Do goblins hate spiders as much as I've been led to believe? And if so, why?

    I imagine the smaller ones might be afraid of larger spiders out of a predator/prey dynamic, but outside of that i can't imagine much a reason, they'd be another source of food if nothing else.

  • HobnailHobnail Registered User regular
    Were Neanderthals goblins and if not what were Neanderthals, were they just Neanderthals or something spooky

    Broke as fuck in the style of the times. Gratitude is all that can return on your generosity.

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Hobnail wrote: »
    Were Neanderthals goblins and if not what were Neanderthals, were they just Neanderthals or something spooky

    they were just neanderthals, sorry. nothing to suggest they were something horrible or spooky.

  • -Tal-Tal Registered User regular
    what does goblin meat taste like

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    -Tal wrote: »
    what does goblin meat taste like

    I've heard it described as "rubbery rat with a hint of snake and cricket." And as such, i have never bothered tot ry to eat goblin, because that sounds really unappealing.

    also from being so small they don't have much meat on them bones.

  • Panda4YouPanda4You Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Panda4You was warned for this.
    what's their fuckstyle
    Cute.
    [url=

    Tube on
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Bugbears

    Bugbear is a term that originates as just a generic bad creature, and over time has come to describe this nocturnal hunter. Bugbears are by far the strangest goblins discovered, with their owl like eyes, bat ears, and terrifying mouth, combined with their fur covered bodies, they don’t even really look like goblins much at all. Add to this their solitary nature and their predatory habits, and it’s barely a goblin, but here we are. A bugbear stands nearly five feet tall at adulthood, and bear some fairly impressive six inch talons and their hands, combined with their night vision and impressive hearing they are an extremely dangerous night hunter, to the point where some have speculated they they are the end result of an intentional breeding process to create a new apex predator. And if it weren’t for how timid they are they’d really be onto something.

    With their impressive night vision they are extremely sensitive to light, being easily blinded by bright flashlights or sudden daylight. This also renders them nocturnal by necessity as daylight leaves them effectively blind. Which, is where their very impressive hearing comes into play. Due to the shape and positioning of their ears they have an excellent ability to locate things by hearing alone allowing them to operate in perfect darkness or even when blinded by light. Since most people attempt to hide from monsters rather than confront them making as much sound as possible, this tends to work out well for the bugbear, however if you do just run at them making as much loud noise as you can you can frighten them off. These two things together make them fairly easy to ward off if you know what you’re dealing with, but they are otherwise very dangerous.

    On the hunt the bugbear moves rather silently, always keeping its distance from a target until it feels like its prey isn’t about to run away, using its strange distorted call to see if it is going to respond by running. If it does not run, the bugbear moves in as quickly as it can silently in order to get the jump on its target and kill it with as little of a fight as it can. If its prey does run off it simply continues the chase until easier prey appears or the night ends. It should be noted that bugbears aren’t above breaking and entering if they can do so with having to make too much noise, so if you think you’re being pursued by a bugbear, lock all your doors and windows, and turn on all the lights. They are likely to go after something else.

    Once they have their kill, they will then drag it back into the woods where it will devour what it can, and then string up the remains in the trees out of sight. Either to come back for more later, or possibly to attack other animals to eat, it is currently unknown which.

    If forced into a fight they focus on using their long claws for attack, but if grappled use their many sharp jagged teeth to bite the shit out of whatever is grabbing them. For this reason armour is very important as their slashes and bites cut deep and blood loss is very serious. In addition a ranged weapon or a weapon with good reach is also advisable as you can at least fend it off until day break.

    Attempting to find a bugbear during the day is difficult as they seem to cycle between using small burrows to sleeping in trees seemingly at random. To best way to check if a bugbear is in an area is to check the trees for signs of corpses of animals that shouldn’t be there, or a lot of animal corpses that look like they’ve been dropped from a large height. Once you can confirm there is a bugbear in the area your best bet is to then bait it out at night with a planned ambush of bright lights, loud speakers, and a gun.

  • ProhassProhass Registered User regular
    I'm beginning to think melding might be in the pocket of big-goblin

  • PolaritiePolaritie Sleepy Registered User regular
    Prohass wrote: »
    I'm beginning to think melding might be in the pocket of big-goblin

    No, I think Melding is in the pocket of Melding.

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  • PolaritiePolaritie Sleepy Registered User regular
    Hmm... if goblins act as some sort of interdimensional beacon in their nests, and then some die when stuff crosses over...

    Could you just sacrifice the nest to summon something benign to deal with it? Or possibly two things that cancel out? Or maybe just to fuel banishing something else?

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Polaritie wrote: »
    Prohass wrote: »
    I'm beginning to think melding might be in the pocket of big-goblin

    No, I think Melding is in the pocket of Melding.

    I think i might be in the pocket of big-knight, but that implies i'm getting paid, and i haven't made money in damn near a year.
    Polaritie wrote: »
    Hmm... if goblins act as some sort of interdimensional beacon in their nests, and then some die when stuff crosses over...

    Could you just sacrifice the nest to summon something benign to deal with it? Or possibly two things that cancel out? Or maybe just to fuel banishing something else?

    This is something we've been testing with for a while, 40 years or so, the problem is its so jumbled that attempting to make anything of it is difficult. I am positive groups focusing more on magic have also been trying to do something with them as well, but they only share so much when comparing notes, all i can say for sure is they haven't made any break through we know about.

    so, we just eradicate nests as we find them. Nothing good ever comes from summoning demons anyway.

  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    what's their fuckstyle

    3.jpg
    early and often

  • Duke 2.0Duke 2.0 Time Trash Cat Registered User regular
    Just an aside for an issue I have with Magic

    so that card is tap 2 fire, summon 1 1/1 creature essentially

    is there some synergy I'm missing here because this seems strangely overdesigned for the effect?

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  • TonkkaTonkka Some one in the club tonight Has stolen my ideas.Registered User regular
    What exactly is the difference between goblins, gremlins, orcs and snotlings?

    Oh man, I inherited (nobody died) a BIG stack of old issues of White Dwarf long ago, and one issue had an adventure for Warhammer RPG. All the troop types had separate "cards" with stats and such, and the snotling card was just awesome. They were described as the servant class and all that, but later in the description they were described as an ambulatory larder. If the Orcs ran out of food, were bored, or the snotlings were "muckin' about an' not fetchin' and carryin' like theys supposed to", the Orcs would just eat a couple.

    I love Orcs. Well, I love the idiotically violent Orcs with Cockney accents the GW introduced to my teenage brain.

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    Just an aside for an issue I have with Magic

    so that card is tap 2 fire, summon 1 1/1 creature essentially

    is there some synergy I'm missing here because this seems strangely overdesigned for the effect?

    it's an older card, but it works at instant speed so at the end of your opponent's turn you pay 2R sac two goblins and get 3 goblins, and then you start your turn and can attack with all 3 goblins, two of them get blocked and are going to die? just do it again, now you're ahead goblin-wise.

    There are much better cards now, and then, but it's actually fairly good if a bit over cost.

  • #pipe#pipe Cocky Stride, Musky odours Pope of Chili TownRegistered User regular
    Uriel wrote: »
    But what is a goblins favorite genre of music?

    Goblincore obvs
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsMKOx6fumc

  • TallahasseerielTallahasseeriel Registered User regular
    Legit one of my favorite bands actually.

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Hobgoblins

    Hobgoblins are probably the smartest type of goblin we have discovered to date, able to create relatively complex weapons and armour some even getting into working iron. Standing roughly four to five feet tall, typically sporting a wild mane of hair if it weren’t for their impossible skin colours people would mistake them for feral humans. When on their own they tend to keep to small wandering warbands moving from place to place raiding for supplies, picking up lesser goblins along the way, acting as a mobile burrow. As it starts to build, the lead hobgoblin typically remains in charge forcing the lesser giants and whatever into service rather than letting them run amok and eventually building into what would be a force to reckon with, if this weren’t the modern world where a bunch of primitives backed with an ogre isn’t actually that hard to deal with, and they often get stopped long before they reach this point.

    Hobgoblin armory is often an incomplete combination of iron chainmail and patches of leather, with the odd metal plate in “important” areas, which while crude and ugly actually offers fair better protection that the sticks and vines most other goblins use. A well armed and self supplied hobgoblin warband will typically carry javelins, axes, and the rare iron sword. Their swords are bit more like long double edges machetes but one can not deny their effectiveness, their axes are often re-purposed wood cutting aces they found but will sometimes be wholly new axes hand made by the hobgoblins which tends to mean they’re of a lower quality but still dangerous.

    If they are backed by a human or other intelligence being their quality of craft will often greatly improve. With access to more information their armoury will often improve to the point of resembling yushman type armours, metal quality will often improve, and maybe people will give the hobgoblin guns to try to level the odds, but there is yet to be a group to have mastered guns beyond suppressive fire. If given older style guns many will try to create their own, often resulting in weapons more dangerous to the user than the enemy, but the rare breakthrough can lead to something dangerous. However even if the smiths survive the eventual breakdown of the backed warband they tend to drop guns immediately and armour quality tends to degrade as well, but that might be access to supplies and less skill, as their terrible armour is still of a better quality, but garbage is garbage.

    Now, these traits might suggest the ability to domesticate and civilize hobgoblins, they clearly have intelligence and the ability to make some kind of culture, but as of yet all attempts have failed. Granted, we haven’t tried as hard as governments in the past, but added in their innate ability to draw other goblins, lesser giants, and then evil fey and demons there wasn’t been a lot of support in the community to attempt to build a hobgoblin civilization. Even attempting peace with the more established tribes to avoid conflict ends poorly, and then devolves into a firefight that devastates the tribe we were attempting to deal with because it turns out aimed automatic fire beats chainmail.

    Finding Hobgoblins in an area isn’t too difficult as they tend to set up small camps and tend to be very loud, and as well they don’t often do much to cover their tracks until they think they’re actually being stalked. However, this becomes moot after they start attracting large numbers of other things as getting them to follow smarter ideas is not possible, instead they just rely on shows of strength to scare off would be attackers.

  • Zombie HeroZombie Hero Registered User regular
    Melding wrote: »
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    Just an aside for an issue I have with Magic

    so that card is tap 2 fire, summon 1 1/1 creature essentially

    is there some synergy I'm missing here because this seems strangely overdesigned for the effect?

    it's an older card, but it works at instant speed so at the end of your opponent's turn you pay 2R sac two goblins and get 3 goblins, and then you start your turn and can attack with all 3 goblins, two of them get blocked and are going to die? just do it again, now you're ahead goblin-wise.

    There are much better cards now, and then, but it's actually fairly good if a bit over cost.

    It came from Fallen Empires, which was full of garbage cards (exception: Hymn de Tourache), but damage did go on the stack back in those days, so you could probably get some mileage out of it.

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  • PolaritiePolaritie Sleepy Registered User regular
    Melding wrote: »
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    Just an aside for an issue I have with Magic

    so that card is tap 2 fire, summon 1 1/1 creature essentially

    is there some synergy I'm missing here because this seems strangely overdesigned for the effect?

    it's an older card, but it works at instant speed so at the end of your opponent's turn you pay 2R sac two goblins and get 3 goblins, and then you start your turn and can attack with all 3 goblins, two of them get blocked and are going to die? just do it again, now you're ahead goblin-wise.

    There are much better cards now, and then, but it's actually fairly good if a bit over cost.

    Also, it works very well with anything that triggers on creatures entering play or dying.

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  • BarcardiBarcardi All the Wizards Under A Rock: AfganistanRegistered User regular
    Does red actually make it go faster? Or is this just how humans perceive color as a danger and thus red only appears to make it go faster?

  • MysstMysst King Monkey of Hedonism IslandRegistered User regular
    what makes a goblin a shortstack

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Barcardi wrote: »
    Does red actually make it go faster? Or is this just how humans perceive color as a danger and thus red only appears to make it go faster?

    that's orkz. also no.

    Also interesting the thing of insurance on red cars being higher because people driving red sports cars more recklessly has seemingly been stopped as insurance companies realized that now all sports cars are driven just as dangerously. Source: shopping for insurance recently.

  • Duke 2.0Duke 2.0 Time Trash Cat Registered User regular
    How would one round up a rabble of goblins into minions capable of throwing recklessly at my foes? Should I entice them with trinkets, what phrases should be used to gain their interest, it is possible to put them off of just raiding everything not nailed down in my dark tower? Could I throw them into a crucible to forge my dark spikey equipment? This one goblin keeps on insisting I'm some sort of overlord, is that normal?

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    Duke 2.0 wrote: »
    How would one round up a rabble of goblins into minions capable of throwing recklessly at my foes? Should I entice them with trinkets, what phrases should be used to gain their interest, it is possible to put them off of just raiding everything not nailed down in my dark tower? Could I throw them into a crucible to forge my dark spikey equipment? This one goblin keeps on insisting I'm some sort of overlord, is that normal?

    It is not recommended to keep many goblins in the same area, nor to hurl them recklessly at foes. We also don't know if most currently understand human languages, some hobgoblins have been seen yelling german, but the people seeing this don't speak german, so what they were saying or if the observers are idiots is currently unknown.

    The best way to get a goblin horde to have anything resembling order it would be suggested to pick the largest goblin and give them a weapon, and let them loose on the others, this will put them in a leadership position, from there you need only control that one goblin and hope none overthrow them. outside of that, it's hard to say, maybe move them off site but with access so you can call on them in times of need.

    Forging things from goblins is even less recommended, you don't know where they've been.

    As far as calling you overlord, I have no idea I got out of the evil game years ago around when i stopped trying to be goth.

  • Indie WinterIndie Winter die Krähe Rudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered User regular
    I see this thread deals with goblins

    but what about

    gerblins

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