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USA Presidential Election 2016: A Hard Day's Right

StericaSterica YesRegistered User, Moderator mod
edited September 2016 in Social Entropy++
Thread to be updated soon. Rest assured, I will have new portraits and half-assed blurbs for the candidates and their running mates.

The country that brought you TF2 hats is having an election! For president! It's the head of the USA's executive branch, and arguably the most powerful position that any one person on the planet can hold. This kind of election only happens once every four years, so you gotta enjoy it while it lasts! Let's have a good time and talk about all the hilarious ups and downs of this election season. Warning: sometimes it may be less hilarious, and more soul-crushing!

Things to Consider Before Posting
  • Resist the urge to dogpile unpopular sentiments. If it's really inflammatory then report it.
  • Just because somebody is/isn't voting doesn't mean they are personally responsible for the downfall of democracy.
  • This is SE++ so don't get hung up on derails.

Previously in the POTUS Thread...
September opens with the incredible shrinking lead of Clinton. While seemingly stable at first, Clinton has seen her lead evaporate to within the margin of error. Admittedly, it's on the safer side of within the margin of error, but needless to say Trump is closing the gap. Why could be a number of factors: more FBI information on the damned emails, Trump keeping his stupidity to a dull roar, and so forth. We're now entering the real dog race portion of the election, when the public starts really paying attention to race and considering their votes. It's probably still a bit too early to declare Armageddon and make hasty plans to move to Canada. Debates are still a few weeks away, and Trump is not the best at debating. Sure, he did fine in the primary debates, but in the general you're no longer just serving up red meat to the assholes.

Oh, and Trump visited Mexico last week, his first international visit as a candidate. No, Mexico is still not paying for the wall.

Would you like to know more? Read the previous threads...
  1. Bad Hair Day
  2. Over the Hegemony
  3. Screams from My Father
  4. Vice Vice Baby
  5. A Ring of Liar
  6. A Day at the Racist
  7. Straight Outta Breitbart

In the Blue Corner...

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"Healthy" Hillary Clinton
68 Years Old
Former Secretary of State and Senator


Strengths: A cutthroat politician that doesn't fuck around, which is a requirement if you want to get this far as a woman. Has tied up the minority votes ages ago, and the woman's vote is probably safe. Connections? She keeps popular company. Campaign is top-notch, with some of Obama's old crew on board. In the shitty, weird year that is 2016's rotted landscape, she's the one offering stability and, more importantly, an actual working game plan.

Weaknesses: Has made her far share of Faustian bargains to get here; she's hardly anyone's first choice for president and has kicked up party in-fighting. Sure, everyone and their mother knew the party backed Clinton during the primary, but did you really need DWS on your campaign that badly? Some Bernie Bros aren't going back now. Friendly with wall street, as befitting as person this connected, and we're still not sure if she's all that remorseful about Iraq. Actions speak louder than campaign platitudes, so it's a coin toss as to whether or not she's gotten over her Neocon days in the Middle East.

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Tim "We Can Jesuit" Kaine
58 Years Old
Senator, Former Governor of Virginia and DNC Chair


Strengths: Dull, but likable and not going to rock the boat, which is just what the Clinton camp wants. Carries Virginia, which has liked going blue these past few elections, but we're not sure if it like likes it. Willingness to set aside personal views for the good of the country will be seen as a big plus by wishy washy moderates. Popular with Hispanics, as if this ticket hadn't tied up that vote over a year ago.

Weaknesses: A lukewarm candidate for a lukewarm ticket: the thing about safe bets is that you can't expect a big payoff. Voting record may not matter to party members skeptical about his personal politics.

In the Red Corner...

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Donald "Second Amendment" Trump
70 Years Old
he's allowed to run


Strengths: No shame; all ego. Trump does not wish to play by the rules, and when you're this far behind there's some kind of argument to be made for throwing hail marys until November. Supporters are loyal to the point of some whitebread cult of fear, taking in every Trumpism as gospel and willing to play in his parody of reality. When you can blame Bush for 9/11, badmouth gold star families, and still not miss a beat...you've effectively got the base hypnotized. It's safe to say that Trump's biggest strength is just how much chaos he has brought into this election. Don't get complacent.

Weaknesses: The GOP base isn't what it used to be. The warning signs that banking on angry white men was a poor invested were happening back in 2008: Republicans needed to switch from the Southern Strategy years ago but they opted for short-term gains by stoking fear of the Black Man in the White House. This let a carnival barker like Trump Kingfish his way in and steal the base from the elites. Now it's 2016, and their candidate kicked off his campaign by pissing off Hispanics. Trump is a throwback to a bygone era: the last gasps of Goldwater's fear engine.

3z34ffi.png
Mike "This is Fine" Pence
57 Years Old
Governor of Indiana


Strengths: He's an old-school moral majority conservative to ensure all of the other old-school moral majority conservatives that Trump will offer them a spot at the kid's table. A quiet man that was picked to be a good, subservient underling to Trump and do all the actual President work once in office. A VP pick aimed to bring the party together without stealing Trump's thunder.

Weaknesses: A dreadfully boring man whose politics left the realm of the American moderate a few years ago. Pence is window dressing for aging Republican holdouts and he knows it.

FAQ

Who are our tragic third-party candidates?

Jill Stein (with running mate Ajamu Baraka) is running on the Green Party ticket, and Gary Johnson (with running mate Bill Weld) is the Libertarian candidate. There's other perennial candidates, such as Vermin Supreme, but I'd be here all day rattling off those.

What's a battleground?

A state that is polling more or less in the middle is considered a battleground. Because solidly Republican or Democratic states would require too much time and money to make even a dent in polls, candidates focus on the handful of states that are feasible to turn. Now, this doesn't mean that voting in a "stronghold" state is pointless. After all, many battleground states were at one point or another considered reliable votes for one party or the other, and people do pay attention to shifts in polls even if the overall outcome hasn't quite changed yet.

States "in play" this election include Colorado, Florida, Iowa, Michigan, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Wisconsin. Oh, and apparently Georgia now?

When are the debates?

September 26, 2016
October 4, 2016 (VP)
October 9, 2016
October 19, 2016

When is Election Day?

November 8th, 2016

How long do I have to register to vote?

It varies by state

November 8th is kinda busy for me. Can I vote early?

It varies by state, although some states don't allow for early voting at all.

I want to vote from a safe distance. What are my options for citizens abroad?

This should help you out.

Note that this should also be useful for people who are still in the States but will be in another state/city/etc from wherever they're registered come election day.

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Sterica on
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Posts

  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    I could not for the life of me remember Tim Kaine's name this afternoon.

    So thanks for fixing that at least.

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    edited September 2016
    So Gary Johnson sure is a fucker.

    Read earlier today about his run as governor of New Mexico and he is just... Man is he a jerk.

    Edit: also, thanks for always putting these threads together, Bobkins. You're a swell fella!

    Metzger Meister on
  • Butler For Life #1Butler For Life #1 Twinning is WinningRegistered User regular
    If you swap the first letters of his first and last name, Tim Kaine becomes Kim Taine

    This is my contribution to the thread

  • TheStigTheStig Registered User regular
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    bnet: TheStig#1787 Steam: TheStig
  • FCDFCD Registered User regular
    If nothing else, I want Hillary to win so we can get some more sweet harmonica jams from Tim.

    Gridman! Baby DAN DAN! Baby DAN DAN!
  • TheStigTheStig Registered User regular
    If you swap the first letters of his first and last name, Tim Kaine becomes Kim Taine

    This is my contribution to the thread

    Kim Tayne?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWX4GUYGQXQ

    bnet: TheStig#1787 Steam: TheStig
  • DedwrekkaDedwrekka Metal Hell adjacentRegistered User regular
    For those abroad wishing to vote in the election please contact your nearest "Russian Hacker" for details on getting into the election system.

  • Butler For Life #1Butler For Life #1 Twinning is WinningRegistered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    If you swap the first letters of his first and last name, Tim Kaine becomes Kim Taine

    This is my contribution to the thread

    Kim Tayne?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWX4GUYGQXQ

    I was hoping someone would post this!

  • ManishtushuManishtushu Registered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    I agree, it would be better if no one was talking about Harambe or Jill Stein

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    It's sad that Heroes of the Storm has gone back to Pro Trump or they very Ghoulish talk about how it would turn out

  • Void SlayerVoid Slayer Very Suspicious Registered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

    Where in the constitution does it say they have to be human? I get that natural born citizen implies human but still...

    He's a shy overambitious dog-catcher on the wrong side of the law. She's an orphaned psychic mercenary with the power to bend men's minds. They fight crime!
  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

    Where in the constitution does it say they have to be human? I get that natural born citizen implies human but still...

    Sounds like something a synth would say.

    aTBDrQE.jpg
  • TheBigEasyTheBigEasy Registered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

    So if I move to the US, I can't run for president. But my hypothetical child, if its born in the US and over the age of 35 - could?

  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    Yep

    Even though I've lived in the US since I was 4, I cannot ever be president. YOUR LOSS AMERICA.

  • Munkus BeaverMunkus Beaver You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    TheBigEasy wrote: »
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

    So if I move to the US, I can't run for president. But my hypothetical child, if its born in the US and over the age of 35 - could?

    Yeah, because your child would be a US citizen at that point.

    Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    TheBigEasy wrote: »
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.

    Candidates must be:
    Alive
    Human
    Over 35
    A natural born citizen of the United States of America
    Resident for not less than 14 years at time of running

    So if I move to the US, I can't run for president. But my hypothetical child, if its born in the US and over the age of 35 - could?

    Yeah, because your child would be a US citizen at that point.

    Its not just citizenship though, you also have to be born in the US.

    I'm a citizen but because I was born in the UK, I am not and will not ever be eligible to be el presidente

  • Mr FuzzbuttMr Fuzzbutt Registered User regular
    Also "natural born" so if you were delivered via caesarean then sorry chump, presidentship just ain't for you.

    broken image link
  • StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.
    Probably because it's a joke that stopped being funny months ago

    YL9WnCY.png
  • JoeUserJoeUser Forum Santa Registered User regular
  • SyphonBlueSyphonBlue The studying beaver That beaver sure loves studying!Registered User regular
    JoeUser wrote: »

    "Nuke the brown people"

    LxX6eco.jpg
    PSN/Steam/NNID: SyphonBlue | BNet: SyphonBlue#1126
  • JoeUserJoeUser Forum Santa Registered User regular
    It's too bad no one ever asked if there was some easy solution!

  • Panda4YouPanda4You Registered User regular
    TheStig wrote: »
    I think it's strange you mention Jill Stein as a candidate but don't even mention Harambe who is polling better than her. The candidate BIG MEDIA doesn't want you to know about.
    Probably because it's a joke that stopped being funny months ago
    A "major" presidential candidate polling worse than a dead primate will never stop being funny. :lol:

  • Lord_AsmodeusLord_Asmodeus goeticSobriquet: Here is your magical cryptic riddle-tumour: I AM A TIME MACHINERegistered User regular
    Brainleech wrote: »
    It's sad that Heroes of the Storm has gone back to Pro Trump or they very Ghoulish talk about how it would turn out

    I'm confused by this statement.

    Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if Labor had not first existed. Labor is superior to capital, and deserves much the higher consideration. - Lincoln
  • JoeUserJoeUser Forum Santa Registered User regular
    It's a good time to be in masonry!

  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Sales of 14 ft ladders soon to skyrocket in the Calais region.

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    So if you are summoned in American via a sacrifice or willing vessel can you then run for President ?
    Or if you are from the land that was before America but have been trapped in a cave or rock for the time can you run for president?

  • FawstFawst The road to awe.Registered User regular
    JoeUser wrote: »
    I'm not even sure what this means

    *snip*

    Neither am I, but I saw that Trump is polling double digits ahead of Clinton with the military, so... doesn't bother them, apparently.

  • SorceSorce Not ThereRegistered User regular
    Brainleech wrote: »
    So if you are summoned in American via a sacrifice or willing vessel can you then run for President ?
    Or if you are from the land that was before America but have been trapped in a cave or rock for the time can you run for president?
    Gonna need a birth certificate, though.

    All of the birth certificates.

    sig.gif
  • BrainleechBrainleech 機知に富んだコメントはここにあります Registered User regular
    Xanutha from the lands of the undying would be well below them to have a birth certificate as how can one be born when they were just there from the start?

  • QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    Trump has a plan to get rid of ISIS in a week.

    But

    Uh

    Just out of curiosity he would like to know your plan too.

  • knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    He's going to make Jerry Boykin the Secretary of Defense.

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
  • Panda4YouPanda4You Registered User regular
    Brainleech wrote: »
    Xanutha from the lands of the undying would be well below them to have a birth certificate as how can one be born when they were just there from the start?
    whitewolf.wikia.com/wiki/Neverborn for 2020!

  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    Quid wrote: »
    Trump has a plan to get rid of ISIS in a week.

    But

    Uh

    Just out of curiosity he would like to know your plan too.

    His plan will only work if all the people who would say stuff like "that's a war crime" and "don't use those nukes, stop it" aren't around

    So his plan is to get them into a 30-day brainstorming session to keep them out of the way

    [Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]
  • DouglasDangerDouglasDanger PennsylvaniaRegistered User regular
    Fawst wrote: »
    JoeUser wrote: »
    I'm not even sure what this means

    *snip*

    Neither am I, but I saw that Trump is polling double digits ahead of Clinton with the military, so... doesn't bother them, apparently.

    There's a lot of hatred for Hillary among the military and their groupies.

  • Der Waffle MousDer Waffle Mous Blame this on the misfortune of your birth. New Yark, New Yark.Registered User regular
    Brainleech wrote: »
    So if you are summoned in American via a sacrifice or willing vessel can you then run for President ?
    Or if you are from the land that was before America but have been trapped in a cave or rock for the time can you run for president?

    one of the many problems with the plot to The Omen III: The Final Conflict

    Steam PSN: DerWaffleMous Origin: DerWaffleMous Bnet: DerWaffle#1682
  • Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan Registered User regular
    Fawst wrote: »
    JoeUser wrote: »
    I'm not even sure what this means

    *snip*

    Neither am I, but I saw that Trump is polling double digits ahead of Clinton with the military, so... doesn't bother them, apparently.

    There's a lot of hatred for Hillary among the military and their groupies.

    The vast majority of people I see on my Facebook feed posting the most negative Clinton stuff are military or ex-military.

    Truthfully though - and I'm sure I'd feel differently if I lived in a battleground state - but if it weren't for my wife complaining about the email volume from her campaign, I'd completely forget Hillary was running for office. All the news coverage is Trump, all the sound bytes from her supporters are about how bad Trump is, and I have seen almost no actual "Here's Hillary and her views" since the DNC.

  • Metzger MeisterMetzger Meister It Gets Worse before it gets any better.Registered User regular
    Holy shit...

This discussion has been closed.