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[Cards Against Humanity] TRV wins and wrecks it for everyone else.

chamberlainchamberlain Registered User regular
edited June 2017 in Critical Failures
Welcome to the cheap knock off of Man in the Mists' long lived Cards Against Humanity thread. We will be using the same cards plus the unofficial Crabs Adjust Humidity expansions for a total of 1750 white cards and around 500 black ones.

Rules are the same: winner judges, first to 8 wins.


I am changing how blank cards are distributed. A well used blank is usually a win so I am handing out two blank white cards in addition to your standard ten. Use them as you see fit. When they are gone they are gone and they will not show up as you draw new cards.

Current Game:

Anialos (5/8)
Go-Go-Gadget Yoga pants!
Tonight we will have sex. And afterwards, If you'd like, a little bit of Whatever you wish, mother.
Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: Plato's Allegory of the Cave or some other pretentious bullshit, Oxytocin release via manual stimulation of the nipples, and, (most importantly) Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into Korean Jesus.
Every step towards The poophole loophole gets me a little closer to An ass disaster.

Cythraul (4/8)
Next on Adult Swim™: The Adventures of Frolicking and Rehab.
Science will never explain the origin of A turbo-encabulator, complete with pre-famulated amulite surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing.
The Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, An entire bottle of Jägermeister®, acceptance.
In what's being hailed as a major breakthrough, scientists have synthesized Meaningless sex in the lab.

Elvenshae (3/8)
What does Dick Cheney prefer? German dungeon porn.
As king, how will I keep the peasants in line? Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
The last three items on my "bucket list": Porn stars, Crystal meth and Actually winning a game of CAH.

LostNinja (7/8)
What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? Mr. and Mrs. Tambourine Man's jingle-jangle morning sex.
Forget Fifty Shades of Grey… Give me Fifty Shades of A cock-gobbling cock-goblin!
Filling every pouch of a UtiliKilt with pizza. High five, bro.
Well what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for The creative use of a pool noodle.
Come to Dubai, where you can relax in our world famous spas, experience the nightlife, or simply enjoy Some god-damn peace and quiet by the poolside.
Only two things in life are certain: death and Stank dick.
Come with me on an adventure to the land of Swishing the wine around and sniffing it like a big fancy man.

Lucedes (2/8)
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on A ball pit filled with testicles --forever.
War! *huh*yeah* What is it good for? Leveling up.

MrTLicious (1/8)
Do the Dew with our most extreme flavor yet! Get ready for Mountain Dew Full HD!

see317 (6/8)
What are my parents hiding from me? The sound of a toddler's skull cracking against the pavement.
Believe it or not, Jim Carrey can do a dead-on impression of Road head.
I love the smell of An ether-soaked rag in the morning.
If you can't handle Being paralyzed from the neck down, you'd better stay away from A grumpy old Harrison Ford who'd rather be doing anything else.
Tonight on SNICK: "Are You Afraid of Puberty?"
The unbelievable world of mushrooms. That's how I want to die.

TheRoadVirus (8/8) :star:
CTV presents Mushy tushy, the story of Peeing into a girl's butt to make a baby.
Everyone down on the ground! We don't want to hurt anyone. We're just here for A bass drop so huge it tears the starry vault asunder to reveal the face of God.
O Canada, we stand on guard for Puppies!
A disappointing birthday party. Betcha can't have just one!
I have this recurring dream where I'm A dumpster fire, and I'm giving Just the tip to The Fanta girls.
Michael Bay's new three-hour action epic pits The WNBA against The Land of Chocolate.
I do wish the newspapers hadn't mentioned Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGYs to get fifty continuous hours of energy in grandpa's obituary.
When I've seriously fucked up and need to make amends, what can I give my significant other to show them I am truly remorseful? My vagina.

Last Games:

Anialos (6/8)
Before 40 acres and a mule, all we had was The violation of our most basic human rights.
The socialist governments of Scandinavia have declared that access to Asian girls with names like "Christina" or "Elizabeth" is a basic human right.
Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without Weaponized ebola.
Tonight on 20/20: What you don't know about Flightless birds could kill you.
In an attempt to recreate conditions just after the Big Bang, physicists at the LHC are observing collisions between A bucket of dicks and Teaching a robot to love.
That's right, I killed A bunch of snot-nosed, know-it-all twentysomethings. How, you ask? A strong, independent woman who don't need no man.

Cythraul (6/8)
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtle doves, and Another goddamn vampire movie.You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on A thirsty, sperm-jacking wanna-be baby mama, and then there's some stuff about Bees? and then it ends with Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry.
Coming soon from Pixar: "A stack of bunnies in a trenchcoat."
It took seven years in a remote Tibetan monastery, but I finally learned the art of Being knowledgeable in a narrow domain that nobody understands or cares about.
We found out what's causing your chest pain. We thinks it's a direct result of Finding out that Santa isn't real.
Next on ESPN2, the World Series of Getting into a situation with an owlbear.

Elvenshae (6/8)
Daddy, why is Mommy crying? A toxic family environment.
But wait, there's more! If you order The scientific method in the next 15 minutes, we'll throw in 3.7 billion years of evolution absolutely free!
Now that he has retired, Pope Benedict can finally devote time to his true passion: MORTAL KOMBAT™.
In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that A butt-plug in the shape of a rolled-up copy of the U.S. Constitution had really been A death ray all along.
Topping this week's non-fiction best-sellers: "A reason not to commit suicide : the art of living with Moderate-to-severe joint pain."
Kevin Bacon Bits: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for Making it look like a suicide!

Gizzy (4/8)
I went from Praising our savior Lord Jesus Christ to Insisting that Jesus is technically a zombie, all thanks to Those creamy atheist thighs.
We never did find Robin Thicke, but along the way we sure learned a lot about Ejaculating inside another man's wife.
What's the one thing that makes an elf instantly ejaculate? Rudolph's bright red balls.
Cancel all my meetings. We've got a situation with The Little Engine That Could that requires my immediate attention.

Megafrost (5/8)
I do not know with which weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with The combined fat from all the Kardashian family liposuctions
Patient presents with The reek of shame. Likely a result of Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
If laughter is the best medicine, the second best is Cumalot.
Why am I broke? Congress's flaccid penises withering away beneath their suit pants.
Finally! A service that delivers A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid right to your door.

MrTLicious (8/8) :star:
Do not fuck with me! I am literally breastfeeding a ten year old right now.
I think I need to take Fluffums to puppy training: he has this terrible habit of Treason.
Ever since "the event," every time I close my eyes, I still see Fiery poops.
From the producers of Shark Week… Coming this fall, Kamikaze pilots Week.
As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without Space Jam on VHS in his dressing room.
Up next on Nickelodeon: "Clarissa Explains The difference between "good touch" and "bad touch.""
What's there a ton of in heaven? Free samples.
From WBEZ Chicago, it's This American Life. Today on our program, Fun and interesting facts about rocks. Stay with us.

TheRoadVirus (6/8)
A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without Choking.
It's not delivery. It's A falcon with a cap on its head.
MTV's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with Britney Spears at 55.
The NSA wants to talk to me about an email I sent containing these key phrases: Stalin and Oil!
Why do I hurt all over? Unfathomable stupidity.
Audiences at Sundance were traumatized by Lars von Trier's controversial new film, "My worthless son."

Zombie Hero (5/8)
What's the latest bullshit that's troubling this quaint fantasy town? Synergistic management solutions.
I drink to forget The sound of a toddler's skull cracking against the pavement.
This holiday season, Tim Allen must overcome his fear of A giant powdery manbaby to save Christmas.
In Valhalla, it is said that all brave warriors are given Weapons-grade plutonium.
My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of Unquestioning obedience and Unspeakable atrocities.

Game 2
Anialos (6/8)
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner? An adorable baby sloth.
The sensitive European photographer who's fucking my wife: Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
What's my safe word? Switching to Geico.
Some kind of bird-man: Provided by the management for your protection.
TSA guidelines now prohibit Advice from a wise, old black man on airplanes.
What really gave Superman his powers? Wearing Nicolas Cage's face.

Cog (6/8)
You guys, you can buy Jizz on the dark web.
Aw babe, your burps smell like Demonic possession!
Don't miss Rachel Ray's hit new show, Cooking with The Force.
I work my ass off all day for this family, and this is what I come home to? Mongolian "beef"!?
In a world ravaged by The corporations, our only solace is A molotov cocktail.
What do you see? Honey Boo Boo shotgunning a 2-litre bottle of "go-go juice."

Cythraul (3/8)
A wild Child beauty pageants appears! You used Child Protective Services! It's super effective!
Housekeeping! You want A soulful rendition of "Ol' Man River"?
Here's what you can expect for the new year. Out: Booklearnin'. In: Front row seats to the Shit Show.

Egos (5/8)
A bleached asshole / Mr. Clean, right behind you / Surprise sex!
If you enjoy The mere concept of Applebee's, it's because you are weak, your bloodline is weak, and you will not survive the winter.
You have been waylaid by Porn stars and must defend yourself.
Why did the chicken cross the road? My first period.
If you had to describe the Card Czar, using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be? Child-sized coffins.

Elvenshae (3/8)
The elders of the Ibo tribe of Nigeria recommend Poking it with a stick as a cure for impotence.
Good news, everyone! I'm giving a TED Talk on the subject of how Coughing into a vagina will transform My big juicy fuck potatoes.
When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate Repression.

Heffling (7/8)
What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Rising from the grave.
I am Taking off your shirt. I speak for The Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle.
Don't forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become "Frolicking Friday."
What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard? A sweet spaceship.
I'm not going to lie. I despise Angels interfering in an otherwise fair baseball game. There, I said it.
While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on A Waco, Texas-themed novelty barbecue pit and smoker.
I quit my job as a bartender the night some jackass left me Just the tip as a tip.

Man in the Mists (5/8)
In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with Getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick.
Ancient Chinese proverb say: Opening for Sigur Rós is just Drinking ten 5-hour ENERGY to get fifty continuous hours of energy without Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of My silent twin, the afterbirth.
The class field trip was completely ruined by A bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour.
When all else fails, I can always masturbate to Mufasa's death scene.

TheRoadVirus (8/8) *WINNER*
Corruption. Betrayal. Violating the First Law of Robotics. Coming soon to Netflix, "House of Sudden penis loss."
In line with our predictions, we find a robust correlation between The Rapture and An ancient, malevolent entity.
What's the new fad diet? Officially no longer giving a shit.
I do declare, in times of distress I have always relied on My privileged white penis.
In his new book, author David Sedaris details his life-long love affair with Words, words, words.
I'm constantly confusing A face full of horse cum and Being awesome at sex.
How did my grandparents make it through the Great Depression? A secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.
When I was a kid, we used to play Cowboys and Fuck Mountain.

Game 1
Anialos (3/8)
Mmmmm, A urine-filled bong! …and it's still warm!
Thanks to A respectful discussion of race and gender on the Internet, I now have a crippling fear of A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans.
Why can't I sleep at night? The complex geopolitical quagmire that is the Middle East.

Cog (8/8)
After months of debate, the Occupy Wall Street General Assembly could only agree on "More Tentacle porn!"
Forget everything you know about My sex dungeon, because now we've supercharged it with Doggy-style with a real doggy!
After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought A peyote-fueled vision quest to the people of Haiti.
Today on MythBusters, we found out how long The Chinese gymnastics team can withstand Kinky fuckery.
Yes, it is I, the world's most dangerous supervillain: Baron Von Chloroform!
What did I bring back from Mexico? A man from Craigslist.
The votes are in, and the new high school mascot is Moses gargling Jesus's balls while Shiva and the Buddha penetrate his divine hand holes.
This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with The Trump Administration.

Cythraul (4/8)
Next time on Dr. Phil: How to talk to your child about The old gods.
Buzzfeed presents: 10 pictures of A Burmese tiger pit that look like Erotic Star Trek fan fiction where all the characters are furries, like Kirk is an ocelot or something.
Wes Anderson's new film tells the story of a precocious child coming to terms with The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas.
Utah is considering the legalization of Committing suicide at the Old Country Buffet.

Egos (2/8)
What's wrong with these gorillas? A fishy taste.
Why is Jon Stewart really retiring? Racist ninjas.

Gizzy (4/8)
And the Academy Award for Some really fucked-up shit goes to September 11th.
TRIGGER WARNING: Testicular torsion.
What will they carve on my tombstone? www.clownpenis.fart
If he were elected president, what would Bernie Sanders bring to the White House? Hope.

Heffling (1/8)
I'm so hungry, I could eat Father's forbidden chocolates.

Sir Fabulous (5/8)
I went to the desert and ate of the peyote cactus. Turns out my spirit animal is Raptor Jesus.
The healing process began when I joined a support group for victims of A madman who lives in a policebox and kidnaps women.
Revealed: Why He Really Resigned! Pope Benedict's Secret Struggle with A cock-gobbling cock-goblin!
You Won't Believe These 15 Hilarious Seppuku Bloopers!
Eating together like a god damn family for once is way better in Incest mode.

chamberlain on


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