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Should I tell her?
High Dive Chimp
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm going to keep this relatively short, because though I know how exhausting it can be to read self-indulgent rambling that doesn't ever seem to want to get to the point, kind of like how this sentence is just... Well, damn.
To start, I'm going to say that I'm very embarrassed by this. I'm in my mid-twenties and I feel like a kid again, in the worst possible way.
Background: I met a girl many years ago. We became best friends. I liked her romantically, she didn't like me the same way. One night, I told her I had feelings in a gush, even though I knew she didn't reciprocate -- her sister and other mutual friends were talking a lot about it, so I thought she should hear it from me directly. Nothing changed, and we kept on spending lots of time together. About a year after I first told her my feelings, we went on a trip with a mutual friend and I did the worst thing. I still had feelings, and I was left alone with her phone in our hotel room, and I was awash with jealousy. I started to look through it. I stopped after a few seconds, but I still told her what I did the next day.
She, quite rightfully, thought we needed time apart. We definitely did. Looking back, I wasn't quite in love with her -- I was obsessed. We definitely had great chemistry together, but I used her as an emotional crutch and expected so much from her. I was so horribly clingy during those early years of the friendship. I don't know why she put up with it. I'm frankly not at ALL surprised she wasn't interested.
A year passes and, after I got back from a big trip overseas, she wants to see me again in person for the first time since that trip. We meet and it's a little weird, but I'm still glad to see her and talk with her again. I don't feel romance for her at this point, besides some deep, distant clanging, maybe. I really see her as just a friend and it's wonderful.
I'm only in town for a few weeks, though, as I got a job overseas doing aid work on a two-year contract. So we spend some time together, then I depart for that job. We start messaging all the time. Daily, just a constant conversation. I talk about girls I'm interested in, she talks about guys. It's truly a sort of relationship me of many years ago, when I was deep in that infatuation with her, could never have managed existing. We interact like this for almost two years. I still see her when I go to visit home for the holidays.
This brings us to the present.
We just concluded a big trip together. I've traveled a bit, her not as much, so it was a big deal for her. It was just us for twelve days.
I had a lot of fun with her, and I think she had a good time, too. The whole trip I went out of my way to make sure she was comfortable, as I will still a bit confused by the fact that we were even DOING this trip at all (in our early friendship three or four years ago, she wouldn't travel with any guy friend one-on-one like that [including, obviously, me], as she was very cautious of leading anyone on).
When we watched movies together in the Airbnbs, I always made sure it didn't seem like I was scheming to cuddle her on the couch. I was always respectful about space. I'm still ashamed of our history and how I was and what I did so I wanted her to be very comfortable.
That said, it's not like I was picking up signs left and right. She didn't drop any romantic cues, and I'm usually good (well, in the last few years, at least) at picking up on those. I got not a single romantic vibe from her.
On the last day of the trip, I realized I had very strong feelings for her. It had sort of been bubbling, but it burst as we were talking about our favorite parts of the trip and she asked me mine and I realized that my time spent with her was truly my favorite. Now, these feelings were nothing like what I had had before, when I had her firmly on a pedestal. I felt something else instead... I don't know. It's very difficult to explain. A kind of wholeness. Maybe love? Or some shade of it? I really don't know, but it hasn't deflated in the time since the trip.
After the trip she went back home and I went back to work, but in just a few weeks I'll be back home again for Christmas and I'll see her once more. And I have this desperate urge to tell her how I feel. I don't know why -- I'm not expecting her to go "I love you too!" But it feels wrong to keep it a secret. I've always aimed to be 100% honest with her since I did what I did with her phone, and keeping this in just feels... wrong. I don't want to do some song and dance, with a gushy hour-long talk and a love letter, but is it still just as bad to even bring this up in a semi-casual way? If so, I'm unsure of how to approach it.
She is truly one of my best friends. Not my only one, but she's in that inner circle and I value her so much. I don't want to lose her.
And yes, I suppose I should be completely honest with all of you. There is a small part of me that is indeed hoping she does reciprocate. She's very shy and she's never the first to talk about her feelings. And even though I truly believe she's not interested, as I picked up nothing on our trip, that small part of me wants it to be true. So that's definitely a factor, I'm sure, in this urge to have another talk with her. The lottery hope.
Please, tell me your thoughts if you have any. I feel horribly small and pathetic right now, like I'm stuck in my younger years again, pining after someone and stuck with this unrequited feeling. It feels like I'm going to lose no matter what I do, so I don't know which path to take.
To start, I'm going to say that I'm very embarrassed by this. I'm in my mid-twenties and I feel like a kid again, in the worst possible way.
Background: I met a girl many years ago. We became best friends. I liked her romantically, she didn't like me the same way. One night, I told her I had feelings in a gush, even though I knew she didn't reciprocate -- her sister and other mutual friends were talking a lot about it, so I thought she should hear it from me directly. Nothing changed, and we kept on spending lots of time together. About a year after I first told her my feelings, we went on a trip with a mutual friend and I did the worst thing. I still had feelings, and I was left alone with her phone in our hotel room, and I was awash with jealousy. I started to look through it. I stopped after a few seconds, but I still told her what I did the next day.
She, quite rightfully, thought we needed time apart. We definitely did. Looking back, I wasn't quite in love with her -- I was obsessed. We definitely had great chemistry together, but I used her as an emotional crutch and expected so much from her. I was so horribly clingy during those early years of the friendship. I don't know why she put up with it. I'm frankly not at ALL surprised she wasn't interested.
A year passes and, after I got back from a big trip overseas, she wants to see me again in person for the first time since that trip. We meet and it's a little weird, but I'm still glad to see her and talk with her again. I don't feel romance for her at this point, besides some deep, distant clanging, maybe. I really see her as just a friend and it's wonderful.
I'm only in town for a few weeks, though, as I got a job overseas doing aid work on a two-year contract. So we spend some time together, then I depart for that job. We start messaging all the time. Daily, just a constant conversation. I talk about girls I'm interested in, she talks about guys. It's truly a sort of relationship me of many years ago, when I was deep in that infatuation with her, could never have managed existing. We interact like this for almost two years. I still see her when I go to visit home for the holidays.
This brings us to the present.
We just concluded a big trip together. I've traveled a bit, her not as much, so it was a big deal for her. It was just us for twelve days.
I had a lot of fun with her, and I think she had a good time, too. The whole trip I went out of my way to make sure she was comfortable, as I will still a bit confused by the fact that we were even DOING this trip at all (in our early friendship three or four years ago, she wouldn't travel with any guy friend one-on-one like that [including, obviously, me], as she was very cautious of leading anyone on).
When we watched movies together in the Airbnbs, I always made sure it didn't seem like I was scheming to cuddle her on the couch. I was always respectful about space. I'm still ashamed of our history and how I was and what I did so I wanted her to be very comfortable.
That said, it's not like I was picking up signs left and right. She didn't drop any romantic cues, and I'm usually good (well, in the last few years, at least) at picking up on those. I got not a single romantic vibe from her.
On the last day of the trip, I realized I had very strong feelings for her. It had sort of been bubbling, but it burst as we were talking about our favorite parts of the trip and she asked me mine and I realized that my time spent with her was truly my favorite. Now, these feelings were nothing like what I had had before, when I had her firmly on a pedestal. I felt something else instead... I don't know. It's very difficult to explain. A kind of wholeness. Maybe love? Or some shade of it? I really don't know, but it hasn't deflated in the time since the trip.
After the trip she went back home and I went back to work, but in just a few weeks I'll be back home again for Christmas and I'll see her once more. And I have this desperate urge to tell her how I feel. I don't know why -- I'm not expecting her to go "I love you too!" But it feels wrong to keep it a secret. I've always aimed to be 100% honest with her since I did what I did with her phone, and keeping this in just feels... wrong. I don't want to do some song and dance, with a gushy hour-long talk and a love letter, but is it still just as bad to even bring this up in a semi-casual way? If so, I'm unsure of how to approach it.
She is truly one of my best friends. Not my only one, but she's in that inner circle and I value her so much. I don't want to lose her.
And yes, I suppose I should be completely honest with all of you. There is a small part of me that is indeed hoping she does reciprocate. She's very shy and she's never the first to talk about her feelings. And even though I truly believe she's not interested, as I picked up nothing on our trip, that small part of me wants it to be true. So that's definitely a factor, I'm sure, in this urge to have another talk with her. The lottery hope.
Please, tell me your thoughts if you have any. I feel horribly small and pathetic right now, like I'm stuck in my younger years again, pining after someone and stuck with this unrequited feeling. It feels like I'm going to lose no matter what I do, so I don't know which path to take.
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But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
I agree with this.
OP: you should be prepared to make a clean break. This situation is not good for you, and in the long run it isn't going to be good for her.
She deserves to know why you're making a clean break. Having somebody ghost from your life without telling you why feels pretty shitty.
That will give her the opportunity to respond. She is unlikely to respond affirmatively, so don't get your hopes up.
Just be brief and straightforward. Don't reminisce, don't get maudlin, don't describe any hopes. Just tell her you have feelings and you need some space to get over them.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
At some point I realized that, I had done this twice in my life (decided to obsess over someone who was unobtainable) and I was doing it specifically to avoid the responsibility, work, and frustration of going out and finding someone who was compatible with me. I chose to not burden those people with my feelings specifically so I could spend time re-framing friendship in my mind, figuring out what I liked about them in platonic and why the friendship was so special. Through therapy, reading, and time, I was able to move on, and finally found myself in the right relationship. I acknowledge that this is difficult, and I've been single most of my life up till this relationship. Still, ultimately I've never regretted not having some big talk with those friends, and cherish the close and understanding friendships we have now.
Cutting people off after letting them know is great advice if you eventually find a relationship and the cycle sort of breaks itself. If the problem is that as soon as you get this sort of rich friendship in your life, its going to cause this burning desire to turn it into something romantic, maybe you should reconsider the issue. If another rejection, and time away, and putting this friendship away is what you need, then go for it. If this is just a cyclical thing she'd have to endure over and over, and you know it, save her this one. Put yourself out there and date, and remind yourself that you need to accept this friendship for what it is, and not what your imagination tells you it could be.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Best way to get over it is to honestly date around. I'm not saying sleep around (unless that's your thing). I'm saying date around, it is awkward at first, and hard, but just go to meet people, get out of a mindset of gotta find my true love. Go with, "being alone on a weekend is boring, let's spend some time with people who I find attractive." You'd be surprised where that can get you.
On a surprising twist, one of the interns has been all awkward crushing on me. Funny how you notice that when you get older. I'll have to let her down easy because I'm engaged, but it is interesting what experience brings.
You already told her once, she stated how she felt, and its not fair to put her in this position again. If she felt differently I'm sure you would know.
The reason why you are messaging you so often, why you all went on a trip and why you are so close is because you are all good friends. She trusts and clearly enjoys being with you in a platonic way.
If that's not enough for you, that's completely and 100% fine though! I been in situations where I had to pull back from a friendship because it was too much for me to handle it just being a friendship. If you go that route be sure to explain it to her, and don't phrase it as "Either you love me or we can't be friends".
I'm going to go against the grain here a little and say just be honest about how you feel. I'm not saying she 'changed her mind', not that that is impossible, but just in the interest of keeping everyone aware of how everyone else feels. Honesty with feelings in a relationship (even at the friendship level) takes away a lot of the complexity that causes stress and strain on interactions.
If you're honest, she's no longer wondering 'well does he still feel that way... am I sending wrong signals? if I go sit on that couch am I getting his hopes up that I want to cuddle?' and you're no longer thinking 'is she going to figure out I'm still into her? should I tell her? oh shit she's sitting right next to me, really close, does she want me to put my arm around her?'
I've been on both sides of this. I knew I was leading her on, but the relationship was beneficial to me. It was a dick move. 99% odds she knows and isn't too concerned that you are pinning for her.
Either you roll a 20 and get the girl, or you ruin a friendship that isn't healthy for you. Either way you win.
Also, if you adopt the policy of just going for it. You won't be in this situation again and are more likely to find someone in the future.
I see no downsides to just going for it. Yeah you will probably get crushed in the short term, but it will work out for the best. And don't just go for it, go all in so hard you'll be proud of how hard you went all in! Life is long, you'll get over any embarrassment or heart ache you suffer.
Even if it blows up, you'll find someone someday and be happily married. Years and years from now, you won't regret making a fool of yourself, getting crushed, or ruining a friendship because you went for it.
GO ALL IN! Don't worry about doing it the right way either. No worries, caution to the wind, 0 @#%@s given, go for it.
This. Fuck ambiguity, fuck not trying again. You are obviously not capable of this not causing you mental anguish at the moment.
Either she says yes, you take a break, or you split with (hopefully) a minimum of hard feelings.
All of the above are better than where you are right now.
This is a super shitty way to look at a friendship and think about your friend btw.
This is advice that treats the other person as a prize to be won rather than a human being. She isn't asking for him to have feeling for her, and by being this level of confronting all you are doing is thinking about your own feeling rather than the impact this will have on someone you theoretically care for. It's petty and self serving.
No? The advice given hinges on the massive amount of unrequited love in this specific instance. Dude needs to be upfront. I included temporary break in there for a reason.
Sometimes you need to be self-serving. As in, he needs to worry about his own emotional well being here.
Just to clarify my position. I saw a few red flags in this story.
1) Their previous history. He was obsessed and violated her privacy. This led to a falling out and they did not interact.
2) Her previous position of not wanting to lead anyone on by going on vacation with them. She is aware she is leading him on.
3) She established contact with him and has constantly messaged him for 2 years.
4) They went on a 12 day vacation together.
She might actually be asking for him to have feelings for her. Maybe she is also a bit self-serving. It happens.
My brain chemistry quickly self-corrected. I realized I was seeing things how I wanted them to be, when in fact she had the opportunity to lay down a thousand signs and never did once. She exhibits not an ounce of romance toward me -- it's just how it is, and I was temporarily blinded by that vacation to see it clearly.
Once a few weeks had passed, and I thought about it more, and talked to my friends and read your responses, I was able to see more properly approach this.
No, she doesn't love me like that. I don't think she ever will. While I want to preserve the friendship, I don't know if it's possible in the current state, for while I know she doesn't have feelings for me, and realizing that helped squash some of my own romantic fantasies, I still do have some feelings for her. And it sucks to feel jealousy or feel unable to offer unbiased life advice re: her dating guys. It sucks for me to feel this way in general. I hate it.
I recently left the country again for work and I won't be back again for at least six or seven months. We hung out a lot before I left. I've thought about it more and I think I'm going to try to use this time away as a natural buffer, and cut down drastically on digital contact as well. To that end, I have decided to tell her what's happening, but not in a flowery, all-or-nothing kind of way... it's going to be as short and quick as possible, just informing her that I'm feeling some stuff again and I think it's best that we take some time apart while I work through it. I could always just pull back silently, but I don't want her to think she did something wrong or wonder why I'm sorta ghosting her.
So thanks again everyone. It was a strange, hopeful period there, and reality coming crashing back down kinda sucked, but I'm glad to be out of fantasyland and into reality once more. I feel like I can use this to make some really constructive life choices.
"Lois: Oh, Craig. Why'd you have to say that? Dear, sweet Craig... I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am SO sorry for what I have to do now! Because now I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me Craig, it's for your own good. Number one: NO to everything you just said. NO to what you're thinking. NO to everything you dream. NO to your what-ifs, NO to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Number two:
[Lois injures Craig's wrist]
Lois: REMEMBER THAT PAIN. Whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the "hello" I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain."