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[5E OOC] Before the Darkness - "Who Watches the Poopmen"

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    hello my frands

    today is... THURSDAY

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    iguanacusThe Hanged Man
  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    oh yeah, we were supposed to post character stuff.

    So, my running idea has been my character was a halfling ranger doing mercenary work until one day she got deaded. But she was brought back by her druid brother with reincarnate, as a centaur. no longer fitting in with her all halfling merc group she split off to find her fortune elsewhere. Some might be upset waking up as a completely different creature, but she's really into it.

    The Hanged Man
  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    Halcón del Amanecer is an assumed name, obviously. His real name is Jorge, the mask is to hide his identity in the arena. He's never met another aven person in his life but he's convinced that the mask is all the disguise he needs and he only wears it in the arena or when "stealth" is a priority. All of his money from his time in the arena goes to keeping a small fight school for underprivileged and dispossessed children open. The occupation has of course increased the number of kids like that and made it all the more important that it stays open.

    9cgwn4ynohn9.png

    pic shamelessly stolen from somebody online (I swear, I bookmarked it to say how awesome it was but can't find it)

    The Hanged Man
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    Astrid grew up in a dwarven religious/cultural academy; a mix of débutante, military, religious, and martial arts schools. She didn't really fit in with the rigorous and orderly lifestyle, and when she was old enough she left. Cutting strings with most of her family, she has been drifting town to town doing light mercenary and clerical work since; on the search for direction... passion... SOMETHING to catch her interest.

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    edited October 19
    So, Centaurs and Extraplanar Birdfolk won't have a ton of contemporaries in the city, obviously. Halflings and Dwarves respectively make up the second and third largest groups after Humans.

    Halfings are concentrated much more in the cultivated land south and southwest of Kulshedra, which is the territory that took the brunt of damage from the invasion. This is why Halflings are disproportionately likely to get involved with the Resistance. By the time the Panjandrum forces had crashed through all those little farms and got to the city walls, the city was starving and broke, and many of Kulshedra's leaders had been captured by Wizard-assisted teleporting commando teams, so the city proper hasn't suffered anywhere near as many casualties as the southern farmland.

    The Dwarves of Kulshedra basically run a second shadow-city underground, and only interact with Kulshedra Above via membership in various crafting and merchants guilds, or involvement in the priesthoods of the Eight Eldest Gods. Panjandrum negotiated peace with them without having to send troops down into the tunnels, and offered to carve out a spot for as many Dwarves on the Regent Council as they'd like as a reward, but the Dwarves turned them down. Their attitude towards civil authority is the same for both the old government and the new occupation - "We'll take care of our own damn selves, thank you." Panjandrum doesn't quite know what to make of this, but believes the Dwarves are docile, so doesn't make much fuss. This is a mistake - Kulshedra Below is basically a smuggler's dream, if you have the right contacts. Dwarves who get involved with surface folk are seen as mildly eccentric, but not too much so. It's like being Vegan - they get targeted by a lot of jokes, but only a handful of crazies are actually upset by it. Also the Gnomes share tunnel space with the Dwarves, with their small-sized homes tucked away right in the middle of Dwarf neighborhoods, but tend to keep their stores and workshops above ground and serve as unofficial intermediaries between surface folk and Dwarves.

    The Hanged Man on
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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    Astrid probably thought these dwarves were a lot cooler sounding, in theory, than her clan back home

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    hi

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    lo

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    normally there is a check in before now, i was worried.

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Sorry, been busy, just got home. I'm in the discord.

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Tales from the Barracuda's Bones: The Next Generation

    Session 1: Team Blunt Instruments
    The extraplanar birdman luchador Halcon, the brawling dwarven battlemistress Astrid, and the reincarnated centaur scout Sera were acquaintances from the city's Arena, where they had earned decent wages as part of Kulshedra's "Hospitality Alliance" voting bloc, a political faction looking after the needs of innkeepers, musicians, actors, gladiators, sex workers, cooks, and brewers. Anyone who tended to the bustling tourist and pilgrimage industries, or to the entertainment of the permanent citizens, had banded together to support Lady Octavia's ascent to the Regent Council. When the Panjandrum Empire conquered Kulshedra, one of their first acts was to install several of their own people on the Regent Council, which pushed Lady Octavia and a couple of the other newer councilors back off, and disenfranchised their voters. Many of these individuals were the first to join the Rebellion, when the rest of the city had more of a wait-and-see stance.

    Halcon, Astrid, and Sera accepted a job from Deadeye Drakke, the Copper Dragonborn who serves as Lady Octavia's proxy in running her flagship inn, the Barracuda's Bones. Drakke is also known to be her agent for recruiting mercenaries, or dispensing living stipends to those revolutionaries who are acting as her agents full time. Drakke needed the three of them to look in on another adventuring team he'd sent on a job a few days prior. A knight named Rufus and a wizard called Leopold were sent to the forests north of the Kulshedra volcano and west of the Conclave Incarnadine swamp, to the ruins of one of the oldest villages inhabited by the prehistoric ancestors of both the Kulshedra Goliath tribe and the Conclave Firbolgs. Even after going their separate ways and diverging physically due to the magical influences of their respective alliance, both giant-ish tribes still buried their honored dead here, until a mere century ago when the old city crypt became too full. The other adventurers had been sent here to investigate Imperial activity in the area, and see just what the Empire was interested in.

    On their way out of the city, the party bluffed the soldiers at the gate checkpoint into believing that they were out looking for lizards with culinary and/or medicinal properties. They received a gate pass receipt from the sergeant on duty, noting that they needed proof of that business (i.e. a cart full of lizards) to return.

    Once at the old city, the party found Sir Rufus, a massive heavily armored man who wore a helm covering his whole face at all times, sitting despondent by a campfire. He said he and Leopold had been attacked by goblins who sprayed "green junk" when damaged. The goblins had captured Leopold, and Rufus had barely escaped. His campfire seemed to keep them at bay, but the "green junk" had had an adverse effect on his health, so that his wounds weren't healing.

    Session 2: Spores of the Consumption Engine
    The party followed Sir Rufus's instructions and found the entrance to one of the Old City crypts. Down below, they found evidence that the Goblins had modified the location with traps and illusions, but the actual goblins they fought were encrusted with invasive fungal growths, and seemed to have lost a sense of any strategy beyond basic weapon use. The same held true for a similarly corrupted Bugbear later on. The Bugbear appeared to be a doorman of sorts, there to slide on and off the lid of a stone coffin that hid a tunnel to a lower level. Down below, the party found a branching tunnel with walls and ceilings coated in blue slime. There was a specific path through the slime that was safe, and deviation from that path would cause the slime to rain chilling goo down. With some trial and error, the party found their way through.

    In the lowest part of the crypt, the party found another room full of coffins, with a magic circle at one end where a Wizard matching Leopold's description appeared to be meditating. The Wizard appeared extremely reluctant to move, but was able to gesture just enough to alert the party to a fungal growth on the roof. This pod exploded open to reveal some kind of slime-being, the only recognizable part of it being the bones of a long-dead humanoid suspended in its translucent flesh. The creature caused the mummified remains in the four coffins in the room to come to life, twisting their remaining flesh and mingling it with its fungal essence to create snapping vines with skulls for hands. Some of the creature's abilities caused the fungal growths on its outer surface to adjust themselves into strange machine-like configurations. The creature repeatedly doused the party in poison and tried to spray acid at them as well, and the skull tentacles bit anyone who came within reach, but the party was able to vanquish both.

    Having slain the threat, the party determined that destroying the fungal growths set in chalices around the Wizard's circle would free him. He described several days of sitting motionless, clashing his will against a spell that was siphoning his energy both vital and arcane, and directing it to some unknown entity. He had reached a stalemate with the spell, but was near death, liable to succumb if his concentration lapsed for even a moment. The party rested up and returned him to the surface, where he had a tearful reunion with Sir Rufus. As they left, the party saw several of the fungal formations, especially in the tunnel room with the cold slime, dissolving into configurations of hexagonal lines that retreated into cracks in the soil.

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    iguanacusDoobh
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    what up it's your girl DJ Weekly Check-in

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    also I've decided that Astrid has some distant family in the area

    the Rustmug clan

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  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    Long time listener, first time caller. My question is "What's up with bugbears?" They're not bugs an they're not bears. What's the deal?

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    Have you ever been in a bear's apartment? They got bigger wallcrawler problems than we do.

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    The problem with treating "bigger than my head" as an optimal food size is that later on you have to deal with "bigger than my ass" as the resulting poop size.

    Anyway. I'm good to play. But there might be breaks.

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    bugbear is based on an old world word that was used as like a goblin or whatever as a general "thing that goes bump in the night"

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Today, sadly, will not be a good day for gaming.

    Gonna start a change.org petition demanding that Trump start distributing his bullshit more evenly throughout the week, so that so much of it doesn't cluster up on Wednesdays and demand protests on Thursdays.

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    RainfallDoobh
  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    Fight the power Scoot, don't let The Man get you down.

    RainfallDoobh
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    hey nerds, it's monday

    just wanted to say hello

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  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    hi

  • RainfallRainfall Dungeon Queen Registered User regular
    Heya

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    *swamp monster noises from my flooded basement apartment*

    MOOOOOOONNNNNDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY

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  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    Ouch, any damage?

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Nah, it's just a stain on the carpet right now. My landlord is taking care of it, but I had to move all my shit out of there just in case the plumber screws up and actually floods it, and I'm in a hotel for a couple days.

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    you're gonna come home to find out he rented the place to lizard people, and that they enjoy the flooded house "just fine"

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    I would rather fistfight a lizard person than do another hunt for a new apartment. Any number of lizard people, in fact. A hypothetically infinite phalanx of lizard persons.

    But I guess fistfighting lizard people is higher on my priority list than a lot of things, so that doesn't really indicate much.

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    we fighting lizard people in here? you guys never call me for the fun stuff.

    Rainfall
  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    just Scott

    the lucky bastard

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    So just a heads-up, my landlord doesn't expect repairs to be done until Friday at the earliest. And wifi at this hotel is crap. I'm going to investigate alternatives before Thursday, but a combo of open late, decent public internet, and a place where I'd be comfortable audibly DMing, doesn't bring any obvious venues to mind.

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    well, dang

    just how it goes

    btw, I might have a one shot game for us to play in the future

    one of my GFs is making an adventure for a thing, and needs some guinea pigs

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  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    what news, my friends

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    iguanacus
  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    My parents heater went out, just in time for a snow storm to hit, so there's that

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    Hotel WiFi continues to be inadequate, and an alternative has not become apparent. I’m sorry Dungeon Friends, and I will miss your voices until next week.

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  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    well, i will be around to hang out if anyone wants to

  • DoobhDoobh She/Her, Ace Pan/Bisexual 8-) Stonewall started with a brickRegistered User regular
    It's worth pointing out that we only have two of the original Poopmen in our party now

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  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    They are canonically the more substantial poopers though. Angus and Tusk probably account for 90% of the party's poops by volume.

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  • iguanacusiguanacus Desert PlanetRegistered User regular
    You don't get to be as big as Angus or Tusk and not respect the power of ruffage.

  • MeldingMelding Registered User regular
    everyone knows women and elves don't poop. elf maidens especially don't poop, they glow.

  • The Hanged ManThe Hanged Man Once I ate a pizza so big, they gave me a prize. Then I threw up and they took it back.Registered User regular
    I recall seeing an internet thing breaking down dietary habits and likely biological conclusions. At least for Dwarves, Elves, and Halflings. Here are some further conclusions.
    Dwarves - live underground breathing in toxic gasses and coal dust, and seem to drink alcohol to the near complete exclusion of other liquids, so Dwarf kidneys are probably hella strong. Eat a lot of meat, little if anything green, but probably a ton of mushrooms. Keep goats for cheese. Shits are compact, tidy, and regular, but they piss like the waterfall at the edge of the world in shades as close to opaque as urine can get.

    Elves - Fruits, vegetables, nuts, and grains! So much fiber! You ever share a toilet with a vegetarian? They shit like dragons. On the other hand, liquid intake is mainly clear spring water, wine made from flower petals, and shit like that, and preference for pristine natural environments mean toxin exposure is about as low as it could be, so they probably have the freshest pee in all the land. Drow shits are probably closer to Dwarf shits, with the added bonus of being full of undigested insect chitin.

    Half-Elves - Dietary habits probably depend on which parent culture they were raised in, but their inherent adaptability probably helps them move between cultures more quickly without getting the Chaos Shits at some foreign restaurant.

    Halflings - Similar overall diet to local humans, but many more meals spread throughout the day, and much larger meals relative to body mass. Probably have evolved for quick, efficient elimination, and leave little heaps of rabbit pellets anywhere they stop for a few minutes. Unlike Dwarves, not particularly notorious drinkers, so liquid intake is probably appropriate for size and their pee is nothing special.

    Gnomes - Eat a very great deal less often than Halflings. Have probably learned to automatically Prestidigitation their turds invisible.

    Tieflings - As per humans, but every so often their guts will churn out something... unnatural... with no apparent relationship to any prior intake. Resistant to spicy food, and the aftermath thereof.

    Dragonborn - Mostly carnivores. Draconic Breath probably uses a lot of calories, and makes their digestive processes very efficient.

    Half-Orcs and Orcs - Everything about the Orc body is half-assed, like the Gods were getting tired by the time it was their turn and couldn't be bothered to make them right. They are ravenous because they are inefficient - shits are large, loud, foul, and frequent. No matter how recently the last potty break was, an Orc is always ready to pee again.

    Aasimar - Shits sparkle like Washington Vampires. They think they don't stink, but they do.

    Kenku & Aarakocra - All liquid. Kenku can make it sound like someone else's butt while it's happening.

    Yuan-Ti - Have learned to disguise their poops to look like those of other races, the sneaky bastards.

    Gith - Who the fuck even knows what these weirdos eat, probably eliminate waste in the form of emotions released into the Astral Plane or something.

    Tritons - Don't realize that people can tell visually that they're peeing if they're not submersed.

    Lizardfolk - Not as awful as you'd think, their bodies probably make very efficient use of all nutrients before passing any leftovers out. Do crap a lot of bones though.

    Firbolg - Like elf shits, but the SIZE OF YOUR HEAD.

    Goblins - A race of indigent scavengers clinging to the harshest edge of survival, the entire Goblin race has had non-stop burning diarrhea since the first day of their creation. Their bodies genuinely wouldn't know what to do with a real meal.

    Hobgoblins - Have regularly scheduled latrine visits, literally written down on their day planners. Panic when dietary disruption causes irregularity.

    Bugbears - Their favorite thing in the world is to sneak into someone else's house and leave a big rancid deuce. Bugbear poops are far less odorous than you'd expect, having evolved to make people more likely to step in them.

    Tabaxi - Basically drop jaguar turds? One would assume. They are all proficient in stealth, and it's hard to catch them in the act.

    Kobolds - Leave little lizard streaks EVERYWHERE, have no relevant modesty or hygiene taboos.

    Goliaths - Don't happen often, because their diets are so lean, but I'll bet they measure 'em to see whose is biggest.

    Genasi - Heavy/runny/pungent/spicy, depending on subtype.

    I took like an hour to type that on my phone. I need new hobbies.

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    Doobh
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