Sister is doing Selfharm

Amaryl

Hey guys,

in the last month or so, its become apparent, that my 14 year old sister, is pretty depressed and has been taking a pair of scissors to cut into her arms. And I don't know how to respond to something like this, so I could really use some help in how to talk or not talk with her.

Personally, I haven't lived at my parents house in 10 years, and I don't live there now, but I'm there pretty frequently (like once every week/2weeks)

A little backstory: Last year we found out that our mother's breast cancer, after 10 years of remission, had returned and metastasised into 11 different places in her body, (bones, and lymphnodes). and a few months ago, she started a new type of therapy that's having a bunch of severe side-effects that's finally showing that my mother isn't doing so good.

My sister is a pretty closed off girl in general, she doesn't have a lot of friends, and most of the friends she has or had are all girls with problematic backgrounds. And well, she's a teenager... So its safe to say its been a pretty stressful year/months.


Now, I understand that the primary goal is, get her some help, but that's not my purview, i'm not there day to day.

Personally I just don't know how or if I should talk to her about this or what's troubling her, because when its brought up, it just devolves in a shouting game on her part, and storming of angrily. Basically I want to help somehow - I just don't know what's good or right to do in this situation, since i don't want to go and make it worse. I hope you guys and girls could give me some advice.

ceres

I cut a lot in high school, and a few more times in my adult life when I couldn't handle what I was going through. I quickly learned all the right things to say to avoid getting sent off somewhere. If you find yourself unable to address the cutting without a fight, maybe you can address the depression. In reality though, she's not likely to want to talk to anyone in her family about it. Real help means talking to a professional, which is something I don't think you can sign off on since you aren't her or a legal guardian. I know we have people around who can give you advice as a professional if I'm not mistaken (@Gnizmo for one). but as someone who isn't a professional and just did the thing, it was something I needed to grow out of. The scariest discussions were the ones forced on me by adults, which caused me to shut down and lie my ass off. I did once in high school approach someone to talk about it (just to talk, because I liked and trusted them) and they reported me to a guidance counselor and that is the last time I ever did that.

Gnizmo

Hum. Cutting is always really tricky. As Celes has pointed out direct confrontation isn't going to get you very far. I definitely feel for you as you are in a pretty rough place. I am hoping your family can convince her to engage with a therapist and finds one that can work with her.

My advice here is going to be a little odd, but mostly because I don't have her in front of me to get a feel for where she is. Talk to her about it at her pace first off. Don't bring it up unless it is somehow immediately relevant. Anything else is likely to be perceived as an attack for reasons I will get into in a moment. Big point here is make sure your interactions with her are not focused on only negative things.

Secondly, and this is going to be the nasty bit, don't try to convince her she should just stop. You aren't going to be able to do it. This is a situation with an emotional solution and no logical one. I am certain she knows it's bad. Any attempt to strong arm her is going to reinforce the helpless feelings that are potentially the core of the cutting.

She is doing this because it is her personal best method of dealing with overwhelming emotions. Without an alternative realistically there is nothing you can do. You can try harm reduction which might work depending. Try something like offering to talk on the phone about anything or nothing if she is feeling particularly overwhelmed. Find ways to be around her more if that's what she finds helpful and is possible for you. A weekend away from your mom and everything going on at home if possible. At no point do you make this contingent on not cutting though. It is unlikely anything will be as good as cutting for her, and it will just lead her to hiding it which is much more dangerous.

Finally just try to accept where she is right now. Don't think you can do anything now that will make it better tomorrow. This is a long term process. She is going to need help, but if she feels judged she will almost certainly hide it. The more she hides it, the more likely she is to say nothing if she does cut too deep and put herself on a serious situation. You don't have to approve of her cutting mind you, and can even express displeasure for it. Just make sure you primairily express concern for her. If she mentions it make sure the focus of the conversation is what she was feeling, and how hard that must be with less emphasis on not cutting. Maybe mentioning it after talking about the issue in a "I wish you wouldn't hurt yourself, but remember I am always here for you."

I freely admit my approach is controversial in a number of ways. It is likely your only approach as a relative outside the home. There are other approaches a clinician or your parents can take. This is realistically the only approach you have given the circumstances. I would like to think it will help, but cutting is hard to deal. Being there and supportive is very much something she needs, and you can do to help in a major way.

ceres

Note: it is also on its own addictive... yet another reason you're unlikely to just talk her out of it.

Amaryl

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it. I understand that getting her to talk to a professional is the big thing and that's something my parents are working on.

I get that there's no magic word that's going to make her stop. But finding a way to be supportive that's not going make thing worse.

ceres

If your parents are working on it, and since you don't live there, you are the ideal "trusted adult". But that's only if you never ever bring it up on your own ever, and can offer a completely nonjudgmental ear. Have the last thing you tell her about it next time you talk be "you know you can always come to me and I won't say anything, and that's the last I'll say on the matter." It will give her a trusted connection to the world and to her family if she ever finds she really needs that. The only thing is, doing that you need to be prepared to actually take on that confidence.